myname-isnia - Tumblr blog

myname-isnia · 7 hours

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myname-isnia · 9 hours

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You've heard of the character who is disinterested in romance but suddenly changes their mind and gets into a relationship by the end of the story, now consider:

Character who starts out as a hopeless romantic obsessed with the idea of love and after some introspection realizes they're aromantic

#me last month

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myname-isnia · 10 hours

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im like if a poet or perhaps another writer of some sort never wrote anything

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myname-isnia · 10 hours

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Suiren is Aplatonic

#bc I said so. argue with a wall #she feels romantic/sexual and familial attraction but not platonic. end of story #and hey. why am I making excuses. suiren is mine if I say she's aplatonic then she's aplatonic #she's my character I can do what I want #alasie fulfills my aroace rep needs and honestly that's enough for now #look once I realised I was spec and claimed a bunch of identities under that umbrella #I began wanting to give some of them to my characters #bc with how prominent family is in my stories I can't really go for afamilial #but it very recently occured to me that suiren straight up doesn't have friends #of course for the most part it's because of trauma and her entire community hating her #but even after her recovery.. I just never gave her a friend?#she has her family + people like opal and bolin who are considered family and kuvira. that's it #the only friend she's ever had in my multiverse of madness is alasie. and even then 'friend' is pushing it #they would only know each other for a few weeks before Suiren has to bail and probably didn't interact all that much #and honestly. even in utos I don't see her as someone who'd go around making friends #maybe there are a few people who she's on good terms with but not quite on friendship level #if any of that makes sense #but since she does have that thing with alasie I will say that she's once again like me. plato-indifferent aplatonic #she doesn't care much either way whether she has friends or not and will care if she has them. but more as a person than a friend yk?#she is a kind and caring person by nature even though her demeanor hides it. it comes with her set of beliefs #so she will care for and love people. but not consider them friends #it's nearly midnight so I'm yet again on tumblr with my batshit insane takes #sotrl suiren

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myname-isnia · 11 hours

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myname-isnia · 12 hours

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THE BLORBO!!!

#NIGAR KALFA!!!!!#MY GIRL!!!!!#I forgot how much I loved her #the only good part of catching snippets of the rerun #her <3 #magnificent century #muhteşem yüzyıl

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myname-isnia · 12 hours

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Sometimes you turn on the TV and get hit with your hyperfixation from 2022 and the only thing you can do is let out a long suffering sigh

#I forgot they were showing it on tv again #I absolutely do not have the spoons to rewatch it but I caught a glimpse while grandma was switching through channels #I both do and don't miss these guys #like on one hand it was quite literally my childhood bc mom watched it around me all the time #but on the other... almost 150 2 hour episodes of non stop drama. who has the strength for that #definitely not me #plus they're currently showing the Leo arc and I'm already emotionally unstable #magnificent century #muhteşem yüzyıl

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myname-isnia · 13 hours

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Yeah i have a dark past (being 13). Just an absolutely horrible backstory (being 13). It would keep you up at night if i told you about it (i was 13 one time)

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myname-isnia · 13 hours

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they used to make smackable technology. you used to be able to hit your tv when it didn't work good.

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myname-isnia · 17 hours

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Just over a month ago I was 100% convinced that I was bi, openly talked about wanting a girlfriend, mentioned on several occasioned that I want to meet a pretty girl who’d rail me well enough for me to want to uproot my entire life and move to be with her, etc etc. I was so sure of this, believed it for five whole years, almost to the day. The anniversary of my realisation was just about a week away

Then, in the span of one night, it was as though a switch was flipped. Nothing happened, but something changed. I realised that I have never once experienced romantic or sexual attraction to any real person and that the thought of being touched made me want to vomit. I decided that the aroace label fits me better. It was a big hit to my sense of self because I felt like an entire third of my life was a lie. But it’s alright, I told myself. It’s still possible to find people who will love you. Family, friends, maybe a qpr. Everything will be okay. I never was aphobic towards others in any way, but definitely had some internalised aphobia directed at myself to work through

Not long after, when I had yet another fight with my mom, I realised that I was afamilial too. Family was always a touchy subject for me. My parents can't stand each other, neither could my maternal grandparents. I hated my little sister for the longest time because my mom didn't want to be around us any longer than she absolutely had to and essentially dumped her on me. My extended family was always wracked with conflicts too. So as soon as I was old enough to understand all of that, I lost all love for my family. I still care for them and would try to help them in any way if needed, but I don't exactly love them in the expected way. And I don't want a found family either, no matter how much I like that trope in fiction. I've had friend groups before that attempted to assign familial roles to everyone, and I hated that. It didn't matter if I ended up the put-upon older sister, the distant aunt or the mom friend, I refused any role I was given and was ostracized for it. Whether biological or not, I don't want to be anyone's parent, sibling, daughter, or anything else

That was all very hard to work through and accept, but I'm slowly getting there. I had a long crisis about feeling like I will never be enough because all I can offer someone is a platonic relationship. That's still something I struggle with, but it was slowly getting better. Until I suddenly understood that I didn't want a qpr either. I don't know, it just feels like... too much. Too personal, too intimate, too close for comfort. Something that I wouldn't trust anyone to not turn into something I wouldn't want. I have struggles with boundaries, my touch repulsion fluctuates way too much, I have an unpredictable temper and am way too easy to piss off. I don't think I could ever be in something as close as a queerplatonic relationship with anyone, it would make everyone involved miserable. So it isn't something I want either

And now, as if all of that wasn't enough, I'm considering a possible aplatonic identity as well. I'm not completely aplatonic, I have a handful of very close friends that I deeply care for and genuinely love, but I have no interest in expanding that circle. Friendships never came easy to me, I was always the backup friend for everyone to talk to when no one better was around. And when I did make friends, I often struggled with feeling genuine empathy towards them and didn't realise I was hurting them by leaving their messages on read or not wanting to hang out after school. I always felt so out of place in friend groups, and in one-on-one friendships I was always too much. Too clingy, too obsessive, too ignorant of what the other person wanted. Because it wasn't friendship I craved, but attention and a chance to talk to someone. So while I wouldn't trade the friends I do have for the world, I don't want any new ones. I have no interest in "finding my crowd" or whatever. I'm okay with what I have, I don't need anything else. After scrolling through the relevant tags it seems like plato-indifferent demiplatonic is as close I can get to describing how I feel

So... I don't know. On one hand, I'm happy that I'm figuring myself out and can feel more confident about both my identity and what I want from life. But on the other... it feels like some kinds of threads are snapping one by one. Like I'm becoming less and less connected to what is supposed to make me human. I know that's stupid, love isn't what makes us human, there's nothing that decides someone's humanity apart from the fact they're born a homo sapiens. But if I don't feel romantic or sexual attraction, don't want a family or a qpr or new friends, what worth is there to me? Humans aren't meant to live isolated, but I seem to lack the ability to form genuine connections 99% of the time. If I lose my current friends, I don't think I'll be able to make new ones. And then I'll be alone

I know this all probably stems from trauma and if I manage to heal, some of that may change and I'll find myself wanting things that currently make me nauseous to even think about. But there's no guarantee I will ever heal, or that things will change if I do. It almost seems like I was destined to be alone, like my very being is self sabotaging by nature. Or maybe I'm overreacting and this is all just some internalised shit that I need to work through. I don't know. I just don't fucking know

#no idea where this is all coming from but I needed to get it all on paper. so to speak #so it stops orbiting around my brain and driving me nuts #this all really is so tiring and painful to think about...#at least I got it out. I should probably go try to focus on smth else now so I don't cry in front of my grandma #but can I just say #aromantic asexual aqueerplatonic afamilial plato-indifferent demiplatonic is a fucking mouthful #and that's not even touching upon the mess that is my gender identity #ughhh. why can't these things just be easy

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myname-isnia · 19 hours

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