mynewoldname

[mynewoldname]

stop fighting.

I stop fighting the version of myself that doesn't exist. It's the version you made up and manipulated me to believe it's true-broken, shameful, and a sub-par human. I fought so long, internally challenging lies and externally putting on a facade to counter what you've painted, not realizing the facade did not convey the true me. The me that God envisioned. Through healing,  I realized I was fighting something that was never there. My community loved me and poured grace, patience, and understanding into my life.  It was my community that saw through my potential and reminded me whom God created me to be. Hearing my story, they stayed and loved on me—the kind of agape love my soul needed. Staying became a symbol of grace and mercy.  They offered me an ear and heart to understand my hurt, which ultimately led to healing from my experiences.

You never stopped to listen. Blame was your skillset in which you mastered through passivity. Pointing a finger -"look, do you see how she is!? She's unhealthy." But I pray that others begin to ask why. I pray that others will see that what may seem unhealthy were coping mechanisms to ongoing distrust, manipulation,  and narcism. I pray that when others do ask "Why?" your response reconciles who you are with whom you've painted me to be. Because last I reckoned, you said "I do," and no one forced you to.

[mynewoldname]

on being human.

To be human is to go through. And to go through means that you’ll feel love, pain, joy, disappointment, and every spectrum of emotion you can think of. Hopefully not all at once. But you’ll feel. You’ll go through. And at the end, you’ll realize how strong and capable you’ve always been.

[mynewoldname]

god the father and parenting.

A consistent father figure wasn't present in my life growing up. I had a hard-working single mom, two exceptional siblings, an older sister and younger brother, and a few close friends I called family. When I first got saved while living in Brooklyn, NY, the truth of God the father felt foreign. God the conqueror, healer, miracle maker made more sense. They aligned with concepts I could personally reference, like overcoming hardships or learning to let go of past hurts. But God the father? I could not make introspective references to characteristics or a persona I've never fully experienced. My father was not in my life. It was a reality that I lived with that did not add or take away from my everyday living. But God's attributes as a father are vital to building trust and faith. Not having a reference point was a challenge to fully embrace God's character in that way. To find an equilibrium, I opted to trust in God's promises to help manage my faith and tabled the concept of "God the father."

Forward years later to a new season- motherhood. My daughter is of school age with negotiating skills that could convince a baby to give up a pacifier. She's a pro. I noticed these little personality surprises about her during a season I intentionally dedicated to getting to know her. It's a choice I made when I realized work, side hustles, personal goals, and humdrum routines were chipping away at our time together. I hated not being able to have long conversations about her day and what she did at school. Sometimes work made its way home, and doing homework took longer than expected, which led to fast-approaching bedtimes, and before I realize it, I was hitting snooze all over again. So  I customized an evening routine that built-in that extra time for us to bond. It was (is) one of the best intentions I've ever set. I, a former non-snuggler, am now the snuggle whisperer, thanks to my daughter's consistent protest that snuggling is the law. I've learned that she has high empathy levels and cares deeply for people. She loves art because it's her happy place and reads Captain Under Pants because it makes her laugh out loud. I know that these will change as she grows. I pray that I continue to be intentional at building our relationship to notice the changes. Understanding and knowing her makes me happy. I relish witnessing the freedom she expresses in her personality, which further deepens my love for her as a parent. As I allowed the swirling feelings of appreciation to settle in this season, it was at that moment of realization I felt God whispering, "...and that's how I feel about you". I  started to understand finally.

I can't imagine not wanting to provide for my daughter. I can't imagine not desiring the best for her. When she's sick or unhappy and wants to snuggle, I can't imagine not wanting to support her. As her mom, thinking about her protection and safety comes naturally like breathing. When assessing these feelings through my faith lens,  the meaning of God the father gradually became clear. He's not just a conqueror, healer, miracle maker.  He's also a caring and loving dad who understands parenting and loving a child. A dad who delights in who I am and relishes at how I'm uniquely and wonderfully made. He enjoys my differences, my wants, and even protests. He tenderly guides and supports through his promises and continuous grace. I'm glad I know Him as a father.  Luke 15:11-31

[mynewoldname]

escape.

When I desire solitude

I’d run away in my dreams

But now that you’re in them

It’s the last place I want to be

[mynewoldname]

night.

Fade me into the evening 

I'd like to see the grey

In its ubiquity 

Unbothered by the day"

[mynewoldname]

promise land.

May you bless this land and those who cherish it.

[mynewoldname]

on motherhood.

It’s progress. It’s learning and unlearning. It’s growing as your child grows. It’s having patience in moments when the illusion of control tries to settle in at the end of a busy day. It’s trying not to cry when plans fall through then laughing when it all works out. It’s praying for peace to make it through the cold /flu seasons. It’s mustering the strength to watch the same My Little Pony episode for the 100th time. It’s snuggling, laughing, and playing. My daughter makes my motherhood journey worthwhile. I’m privileged to love such an amazing human. She’s teaching me the true essence of God’s love and I am thankful to have been chosen to raise her.

[mynewoldname]

on the speed of life.

A friend shared an Oprah Winfrey Super Soul Sunday podcast episode. Oprah chats with Pico Lyer about his latest book, “The Art of Stillness,” in this episode. Their in-depth discussion focused on the nuances that prevent people from cultivating stillness in their lives. As Pico outlined steps we can take to master the art, he made a statement that shifted my perspective on what it truly means to live life. He said, “we’ve become accustomed to living at the speed of light, that we’ve forgotten how to live at the speed of life.” Lyer further highlighted that we, as a society, forget how to be there for ourselves and others when we forfeit stillness to drown in busyness.

Lyer’s remarks also parallel a theme in “Deep Work” by Cal Newport that reiterates “busyness has become the proxy for productivity.” We’ve continued to let this dangerous ideology filter into our lives. We don’t realize the subliminal impact. We gradually pile tasks on our to-do list, and the list becomes what we live for instead of a reference.

Busy has become a norm and has also woven itself into our definition of success and progress. Have we forced ourselves to believe that we’ll get somewhere if we keep moving forward fast enough, not realizing we’re only running in place? Have we not realized that we are the root of our exhaustion and burning out?

Life has always been about a steady pace forward. I imagine that’s how life should be. I guess the speed would parallel the cycle of seasons. Seasons never seem to rush to move ahead. They happen every year without fail. What’s unique is that we know they come and go. And as much as we, “humans,” want to rush, seasons and all activities take their time. Flowers bloom when they need to. Grass grows in its own time. Animals migrate when it’s time. All these activities take place within an assigned season.

How awful would it be to give up the solace and rest of winter to rush into spring? Or zoom past summer’s heat for the briskness and subtleness of Fall? Imagine if Fall forced summer to end before it needed to. Thank god seasons don’t think as we do.

[mynewoldname]

growing.

Elusive, time slips from my tight grip. 

Days are good at leaving 

Never ceasing to wait for a minute 

I want to stall growing up. 

But holding on is like chasing after the wind; 

You will tire and never win.

Before you know it, they'll leave to live their own lives

Navigating life at their own pace.

I pray to raise her to make the world a better place

[mynewoldname]

respite.

It has finally subsided The fleeting feeling That makes it hard To invite healing. It has subsided. I no longer wonder. For the first time in a very long time, I no longer wonder.

[mynewoldname]

rescue.

I once heard a man scream, I heard it through his eyes. His silence screeched with anxiety, That one day he'll die but be alive. Going through the motions Everyday mundane routines. Robotic and listless He feared were the fate of his dreams. He made every attempt to thrive Putting in long hours of work. But the exhaustion in trying made his dreams subvert. So there remained silence brazen in his heart. Shielding him from growing Or falling apart. His hopes shattered inward Without an echo, not a sound. And gradually the world lost a dreamer. Another man down.

In memory of John Winterrowd  R.I.P

[mynewoldname]

he said.

My purpose for your life supersedes your current emotions and longings. I know the desires of your heart. I want them for you too! You are being refined, and what you want will change after the process.

When you are made new, and your heart has evolved, your desires will also grow. Your passions will enliven. And your identity will be rooted in knowing that your steps are ordered for greatness.

Let My process refine you into the woman I know you can become. I see you. Do you see you?

Jerimiah:29:11

[mynewoldname]

on wings like eagles.

Potential. You find it at the edge of giving up. At the moment you decide to take one more step forward. It's the fruit of all your trying. The strength from persistently rising.

Rising above your fears, doubts, and shortcomings to ultimately soar into a version of yourself that conveys a simple truth..... you have what it takes to do anything.

Isaiah 40:31===> The strength of those who hope in the Lord will be renewed. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and won't become weary. They will walk and won't grow tired.

[mynewoldname]

reset.

Revitalize my dreams The few I tucked beneath The pain and the hurt And the broken beliefs Bring back my passions The few I once carried The few that fell The few I buried Give me hope The kind that sees through storms The kind to embrace faith With a welcoming warmth Breath life into my bones Father, please breathe And let your love revive me

[mynewoldname]

in the rain.

I listened to a Steve Furtik sermon on embracing the rain. I thought, what an odd concept, shouldn’t we be running from the rain and storm? But as he explained it, it’s in the rain that God does the fine-tuning to grow us into our purpose. But this place gets uncomfortable, and we like to seek greener pastures for comfort. Unfortunately, the pursuit of greener pastures can be distracting. When you take your eyes away from what God is doing, you can miss out on the opportunities to build your character that will sustain you in your purpose.

We are to stay persistent in the rain, even as we’re enduring the pain. We are called to be on guard against all that distract us from the process: fear, worry, disparity, misleading pursuits. We are to fight the good fight and stand firm in faith as we embrace the rain.

[mynewoldname]

remember your freedom.

This weekend was a rough one. I spent its entirety battling feelings of frustration toward all the unfavorable circumstances I’ve endured. What helped simmer the internal whirlwind, though, was reading Romans 8:2. The verse reminded me that I am truly free from past hurts, pain, and mistakes.  It reminded me that I don’t have to carry their weight in my mind or my heart. It’s hard to grasp freedom in moments when unpleasant thoughts remind me that the past happened the way that it did.

Like a mental boot camp, I’m learning to train my mind to yield to the promises of freedom. I’m learning to accept that freedom from those unfavorable circumstances is part of my inheritance as a daughter in Christ. I am free, and peace is mine to take. I know that I deserve freedom and peace; I just need to remind myself to believe it.

Romans 8:2====> The standards of the spirit, who gives life through Christ Jesus, have set you free from the standards of sin and death.

[mynewoldname]

it’s a stretch.

It hurts. The growth. Damn. Sometimes, the pain of stretching can be unbearable. Those seasons where your tolerance levels are low. The seasons where circumstantial conditions weaken your focus. Dear God, has the cold solitude of fall and winter creep into my subconscious like a pesticide? I think I might have asked for it, and I also think it plans to stay- The thorn in my foot, my Achilles heel. The very thing that makes me more robust, but just can’t kill me. Am I invincible, or do I have a high pain tolerance?  Can you tell the difference?