myownshitshow

[myownshitshow]

[myownshitshow]

[myownshitshow]

why do men get bored of me so fast...do i give too much away....am i not enough....do they want more...

[myownshitshow]

crazy how ill be 19 in 3 months

Im 17 now

Well at least i will be in 3 days. Truthfully i dont know whats going on with me. Im not a vegetarian anymore. Im smoking weed now? In doing shit i wouldve never done a few months ago. My attitude is shit.

Who am i?

[myownshitshow]

a year later

I haven't posted here in a while. honestly I forgot Tumblr existed for a minute, I know nobody is watching but...sorry haha. well here's an update I guess. I made It to graduation!! I lived!! class of 19...wow Ive heard that bundle of words and numbers countless times in my life and it actually happened. I graduated a year ago this upcoming Monday. lots happened since then actually...after graduation and I mean the next afternoon I woke up, I got incredibly sick with tonsillitis for 2 weeks and ever since that day I fell into the deepest depressive episode ive ever been in. to be quiet honest im still in that episode but what's different now and what's changed is that 4 months ago I started seeing a therapist. apparently im depressed and have bipolar disorder. add GAD or generalized anxiety and insomnia and you've got this little bundle of mentally ill me. I was surprised though, shit got really tough and my entire world came crashing down. I came on Tumblr to find sim character mods and ended up signing into this account accidentally. last July I started playing a game called cyber hunter where ive met all different types of people from all around the continent. they are now some of my best friends. um I don't know if I updated you guys on my hypothyroidism benign not tumor thing..well I don't have a tumor, still have hypothyroidism. um...still don't have a job, finishing my first year of college. in the middle of a global pandemic because of COVID 19...I guess that's it really. just mentally struggling but I hope to come out of it soon. im trying. anyways that's all I really have to say for now. OH I got bangs a few months ago?? that was impulsive. even though I deleted all social media 3 years ago (public aside from snapchat) I just got a public instagram again.. I hate it lol uh I should also note for future me that this was written on May 1st 2020 at 3:24 AM...I guess bye..for now. 

[myownshitshow]

positive outlook my ass. 3 days after this i was told i could have a tumor and i have hypothyroidism which is why im ~depressed~ and have no ~energy~

ive reaaalllyy let myself go. ive never really let my life fall apart this bad. i dont know if its the non clinical depressive state (and i say that because i have not been clincally diagnosed with depression i just feel really depressed right now emotionally) im in or if its because i dont care about anything that in here. i know its gross, but i havent taken a shower in DAYS. my hair? the most knotted it has ever been in my entire life. my eating habits? disgusting. my water intake? close to none. i havent washed my face, hair, clothes. nothing. i have never done this in my life and quiet frankly i dont give a FUCK. its december 31st 2018 and im starting off the new year looking and feeling like utter ass. so. im in the shower right now at 2:37 am. standing here typing this out, feeling sorry for myself. sad. lonely. angry. trying to wash everything the past week has mustered up. i think im going to spend today, even though i just started my period yay, cleaning myself up for the new year. going into 2019 with a positive outlook. im graduating in a few months, and then a few months after that starting college in the fall. this next year my life will possibly change entirely. thats something thats never happened before and im scared. ut thats okay. things will be better i can feel it. its 2:39 now :/ i think ill just stand here for a few more minutes and reflect on this past year. maybe take care of myself. starting with my personal hygiene because lord knows i need to. i feel disgusting. whoevers reading this probably thinks im disgusting because thats how i feel. well im sorry reader that i can bring myself to get out of bed but who really cares amiright. anyways. i hope that when im reading this again, that things are better. if they arent, well. at least my mind was in the right place i hope.

[myownshitshow]

quick update: um i have a tumor

LMFAOOOO this is so funny to me. my life falls apart and i get a fucking TUMOR. what kind of book am i in. can whoever’s writing it do something good for me. i was diagnosed with hypothyroidism because of a tumor laying right on my pituitary gland. dont we just love that for me. whatever. its benign thank fuck but a doctor showing you a picture of your brain and telling you, you have a tumor is kind of alot. idk i just. hm. shits really hitting the fan for me right now

[myownshitshow]

oh i deleted my local social medias a long ass time ago i forgot to tell you guys. it was a couple months after this lol

Im actually going through it right now holy fuck. I dont want any friends except for one, i dont want to speak to anyone and i want to delete all my local accounts. My ex boyfriend broke the mutual with me after he and i have been friends for 6 YEARS and now he all of a sudden wants nothing to do with me? Unfollows me, quits texting me, and this all happens after i go to dinner with my “old best friend” man fuck her. I never considered her a best friend anyway. Right after i talk about him with her for 1 minute after i havent even talked about him to my current bestfriend in FOREVER he just dips. Shes bat shit crazy if were being fucking honest. She was telling me how she didnt like some of my friends because she was jealous and then she inserted herself into a trip im going on after graduation with my current bestfriend like girl!!!! I havent spoken to you in 2 and a half years ! Fuck off mate!!!!!! Im so tired of the bullshit!!!! I did not just rekindle a shit ton of friendships after ghosting because of a depressive episode only to be fucked over like this! Not to mention that, but other people have unfollowed me???? Like what??? For what??? You dont just accidentally see my face name and @ and accidentally unfollow me especially if i know you might have a problem with me. I dont need this, i dont need the whispers or the silent judgement. The soft blocking and the false news. Im going back into hibernation. Im perfectly fine with my one and only friend. Fuck everybody else because i dont need them. Im a senior now. I dont need ANY OF THEM itll all be over soon and ill never have to see any of them ever again. Im literally considering just deleting all of my social media right now. I might just do it. Whats the point. I have stan twitter now. I dont need any of that local shit. Im fine with reading my books and listening to my 1000 song playlist. I dont need the added stress and anxiety

[myownshitshow]

i think im gonna do that thing all teenagers go through at some point and “reinvent” myself. cut my hair, try new eyebrows, a new style, a new energy, the whole shabang.

[myownshitshow]

ive reaaalllyy let myself go. ive never really let my life fall apart this bad. i dont know if its the non clinical depressive state (and i say that because i have not been clincally diagnosed with depression i just feel really depressed right now emotionally) im in or if its because i dont care about anything that in here. i know its gross, but i havent taken a shower in DAYS. my hair? the most knotted it has ever been in my entire life. my eating habits? disgusting. my water intake? close to none. i havent washed my face, hair, clothes. nothing. i have never done this in my life and quiet frankly i dont give a FUCK. its december 31st 2018 and im starting off the new year looking and feeling like utter ass. so. im in the shower right now at 2:37 am. standing here typing this out, feeling sorry for myself. sad. lonely. angry. trying to wash everything the past week has mustered up. i think im going to spend today, even though i just started my period yay, cleaning myself up for the new year. going into 2019 with a positive outlook. im graduating in a few months, and then a few months after that starting college in the fall. this next year my life will possibly change entirely. thats something thats never happened before and im scared. ut thats okay. things will be better i can feel it. its 2:39 now :/ i think ill just stand here for a few more minutes and reflect on this past year. maybe take care of myself. starting with my personal hygiene because lord knows i need to. i feel disgusting. whoevers reading this probably thinks im disgusting because thats how i feel. well im sorry reader that i can bring myself to get out of bed but who really cares amiright. anyways. i hope that when im reading this again, that things are better. if they arent, well. at least my mind was in the right place i hope.

[myownshitshow]

they always tell you to ask for help but if i cant ask my own parents who the FUCK am i supposed to ask

[myownshitshow]

ive never hated anyone as much as my m*m i swear to god she makes me want to strangle myself. She is the reason i am the way i am SHE is the reason i hate myself and my life. I resent her and i always will. Im fine if i never have to speak to her again. I wish i had a different family they all fucking suck. Mental ass people. I hate them all

[myownshitshow]

im a try hard and its really annoying

[myownshitshow]

I still dont know who i am. I leave the house more than usual on occasion but i also stay in my room 24/7 and never communicate with anyone. I wrap myself up with books and netflix and twitter and stay to myself with being a social butterfly. But i guess thats what comes with finding myself and growing up

Im 17 now

Well at least i will be in 3 days. Truthfully i dont know whats going on with me. Im not a vegetarian anymore. Im smoking weed now? In doing shit i wouldve never done a few months ago. My attitude is shit.

Who am i?

[myownshitshow]

my past few posts suggest that im afraid, but if you look at the common denominator im scared of growing up. Im a senior in highschool and in a few months my entire life is about to change. A year from today i can be doing something completely different or be living a completely different life. Im afraid i will change or that ill have nothing. Im afraid i am going to set myself up for failure and ruin my future. Sometimes i think of how easy things would be if my life was set up for me. But thats not how things are for me. Im just scared of making a mistake that will ruin me

[myownshitshow]

What scares me the most

what am i most scared of. Hm. Easy, commitment. Its not staying with someone for a long time that scares me its that one day, they can get tired of me. Im not afraid that ill get tired of them but vice versa. Theyll learn all my flaws and in the beginning love them and then later hate them or resent me for it. Im scared that if i fall in love young and we stay together that he will resent me from taking away a part of his life, being with other people and experiencing life with other women. Im scares that he will grow bored or agitated and leave me. Im scared that one day there will be a shift in his love and he will no longer do so, he will no longer love me. Thats what im afraid of. Im afraid that if im around for too long ill get hurt. Im afraid that if im around for too long i wont be loved anymore. Love is a very powerful thing and brings happiness and dumb decisions but it can bring pain and thats ultimately what scares me the most.

[myownshitshow]

Im not scared of growing up, im scared of not knowing what to do. The future. Im scared that i cant provide for my future family or myself or that ill be in debt forever or hate what i choose to do in life. To others i have it all figured out but in reality im just as lost as the next person. Im so scared that ill end up in a place i dont want to be in. I want it to be figured out for me and i want to have a support system but i dont, i cant. I have to do it by myself and that scares me. I dont know how to take care of myself