mypersonalspaces

[mypersonalspaces]

Fuck 2020.

Wow. This year is fucked up. Started with a month of cold and light depression, worrying about money. February I turned 24 and was disappointed again by mum not moving her furniture. Then excitement at a new opportunity to work with kids outside! Yayy ah long hours sure.. Not much pay? Yeah I can deal with that, I get a qualification out of it so that's great, i just need to knuckle down for a while.. Bit of hardship to be able to move else where. All the time whispers of corona virus.. But the goverment is always wrong and is just scaremongering now that brexit is done its the next thing to scare people, to make them forget. But as it goes on it gets more real. Spreading over the world. But im fully focused on my new job, finding it hard with the 10 hour days outside with new people, new kids. Really exciting but difficult all the same. Trying to find where my people are at this job. But Ben's getting more and more anxious about covid, we need to get more food, the toilet paper is running out in supermarkets over the country.. But my job has just told me I can join with the forest school! But Ben is literally crying when I get home from the anxiety of it. From worrying. And no one in his family takes him seriously. So I have to. So I'm trying to be the rock he needs, but nothing I say comforts him. Its all getting too close to home. There's cases in Norfolk now. There's no handsoap. We're talking at work to the kids about washing our hands more. Ben's getting medication for his anxiety. I'm off to look after him but he's just lost in a hole of despair and worry and anger and confusion. I dont know what to do. We've gone shopping and ben insists we wear masks. I'm still not convinced. I feel silly. He gets more annoyed at me and I feel bad for him. Then I read some more bits on it and hes right. But he's worse, saying we're all going to get it. He's not anxious anymore but angry. He can't control his emotions at all. Talk of lockdown. We can't find food properly for a week. The shops arent running out of food but people are getting up when it first opens to hoard as much as they can. Others suffer terribly for it. It's all anyone can talk about. What's happening in other countries, why havent we reacted quicker. Here's lockdown. I only went to work for 2 and a bit weeks. I barely know anyone. Some hours Ben is fine but mostly he's a mess. I know its just stress and anxiety but it's getting difficult to sympathise and not get annoyed. We have little spats. But they always make things better in the end. Its just a whole roller-coaster each day. I have to watch everything I say. Whether this would be too much to tip him over the edge or what other people are saying, whilst trying to figure out myself what's going on. Which I just can't when I'm trying to make sure he's OK. I need space. I get snappy. All this in a space of a week. Things are moving rapidly. Too rapidly for me to process. Its only been a month since I started my work and now I'm off indefinitely without pay until the lockdown finishes (whenever that is) or I can ask if I can come back and get paid. What the actual fuck is this year. Fuck. (23:42 1/4/2020)

[mypersonalspaces]

4/11/19 grandad 7 am

Dream where I had sent granddad a text saying how much I missed him and how I would give anything to go fishing with him.

I see him walking down the street and remember hes just staying at a home that doesn't let him get to see people much. Hes explaining how his phone hasn't been working and he's not got any texts through.. Then he gets some signal an reads my text, he goes all emotional reading it and looks at me and smiles I would love nothing more than for that to happen.

(the location changes from a random quiet road to Andersons meadow to sitting around the table at dad's and Ben is there. He doesn't say anything to ben but I get the feeling that he gets to meet him)

[mypersonalspaces]

I'm so happy that your so happy and have found such a lovely partner and place to live, I'm sad that I don't get to see you as much but im just mostly really happy. I miss you. I love you. (23:53 30/10/19)

[mypersonalspaces]

I've been feeling a bit wierd. A bit up and down. Or flat. It could be the autumn blues, or it could be my contraception, it could be the emotional stress I've had from Ben grieving, it could be me not having a job to distract myself, it could be me not drinking enough water, it could be the after affect of mdma. Or it could be nothing and it's just my natural rhythm. (23:54 27/09/19)

[mypersonalspaces]

Humanity is fucked. Perfection won't ever be good enough. As we evolve and technology evolves there will always be the next best thing, we won't ever achieve the ideal place. There will always be injustice and there will always be people fighting against the injustice. Humanity it seems is the definition of eternal struggle. It will always be bettering itself. Which means there will always be the next thing to get right, to correct, there won't ever be a point in time when humanity as a whole stops to look around and enjoy what it has accomplished. We are saying we have come so far but we still have so much to do. (11/9/19 00:34)

[mypersonalspaces]

Ah why is it that for 90%of the year nothing happens but for that 10% percent is where everything happens but its never spread out. That 10 always happens within a few days?!?!!

Ugh everything is about to die. I can feel the level of panic rising, cramming food and sunshine into the bodies before the snow. Before the cold dark long sleep. Before the winter. But my logical brain knows its just gunna be a rest for nature. Its recuperating for next year. But this time of year for me personally is when everything needs to happen. Need to find a job for winter now. Need to sort out what I'm doing next year now. But I can't because I'm waiting, I'm waiting for mum to text me back, I'm waiting for Aaron to get back to me, I'm waiting for mum to move all her things out of the way, but I've been waiting for so long. But it all needs to happen now before it gets to winter. It seems before its too late. I know it won't be too late, but everything is screaming at me that it needs to happen before it's too late otherwise it won't ever happen. (1/9/19 22:48)

[mypersonalspaces]

OK enough of this whiny nobody likes me shit.. I literally just haven't put in the effort. I just need to talk to my friends otherwise they won't be friends anymore that's how simple it is. My brain was stupid and sad over the winter but it's getting better again with the sunny days. So.. I just talk to them, don't need to make plans to do things, just talk. Tell them you miss them, tell them you feel out of touch with them and want a recap of their last year. Or few.. Tell them that your sorry for not being there for them and that you want to get better at keeping in touch, and if they could try as well that would be great.

(18:01 10/4/19)

[mypersonalspaces]

Goodbye orange hallway, I never thought I'd get so emotional about painting.. All my life I've walked in the front door of my home and you've been there, on my best days and my worst. Forever vibrant and bright and very, very orange. It is a mark of the passage of time and the next part of my life. Another goodbye to my childhood and another step towards the futures to come. I will miss you orange hallway but I will be glad when you're not orange anymore.

[mypersonalspaces]

For fucks sake it's Christmas eve and I'm crying about my friends.. (or lack of..) she doesn't even know when she's here.. And only wants to meet up because she's back not because I haven't seen her since last time.. My brain is bombarding me with thoughts to make me cry at 1 am.. Ffs.. Like several years ago when they went out drinking I only remember being invited out when they were already out as if I were an after thought.. I could of helped it by actually going but it was usually after 10 when I had already gotten back from work.. But it still sucked.. The last time I felt truly in a friendship with all of them is when we went to the beach and we were on the rocks and it was cold but beautiful and we had each other and it just felt right. I dunno I'm probably being massively over dramatic about this and I should just talk to them about it or whatever.. But that's my biggest downfall is honestly talking.. It scares the fuck out of me and I'm terrible at it and it always makes me feel stupid afterwards.. Like I'm a small child again and I don't know how to communicate with people.. I can write it down here and tell you how I am and what's going through my head but you don't hear me crying, you don't hear my ridiculous snotty nose making me choke at the most poignant part, or my ragged breathing as I try to stay in control.. Or the 5 minute breaks I take to just sob and think some more about what I'm really feeling. That's another thing, when I speak aloud of how I'm doing I never quite get it right.. I rush some things so they come out wrong and its not what I mean but because I said it it must be true so I convince myself of that truth when it's the opposite of what I wanted to say.. However much I rehearsed it...... Well my nose isn't running anymore and I think I could sleep.. Plus my arm is aching from writing all this under my douvet.. Merry Christmas (1:38 am 25/12/18)

[mypersonalspaces]

Even my mum is too busy to see me. I want my friends to want to come and see me and talk to me about what's going on in their life. I want to see them or even just talk to them at least once a month and not just hi how are you been up to much no? Nah me neither.. OK bye. Kinda talk like a how are you doing today, seeing anyone? Met anyone interesting? Seen an interesting thing on the Internet? What have you been watching that's really good? Kinda thing I don't know.. Just more than a conversation that you don't even bother saying goodbye on.. Fuck I hate this year. No adventures because I was either too busy at work or I didn't have a car. Hardly saw my friends. Have probably gotten worse flexibility and strength this year. Lost a cat. Done hardly anything to the garden. Haven't painted the hallway. Have sorted very little out. Haven't been drinking enough water. Probably generally more sad than happy this year. And that's just my personal life let alone what's been happening in this shit show we call politics... Fuck. (13:47 2/12/2018)

[mypersonalspaces]

My friends suck. They never talk to me. They don't invite me places. It's always me trying to get them to do things or start conversations. I only have 4 friends anyway. I've only seen one of them the most this year. I'm still upset they didn't come to my birthday meal. I know as you get older you get more busy and meet new people but that shouldn't mean you can't make enough time to see your friends in months. Literally half a fuckin year at times. Maybe I haven't tried hard enough to see them.. Maybe they don't know how much I need them. But it shouldn't be this much of a struggle for so long surely... (8:26 am 1/12/18)

[mypersonalspaces]

That time when we tried to have sex but I was a bit sore and so I tried to give you a hand job but then when I reached for more lube and tried to squirt it onto my dry hand with my lubey hand it was too slippery and squirted nearly in your eye and then we laughed for a solid 15 mins with tears in our eyes and just gave up with the sex thing entirely and just went to sleep.. After cleaning up all the wasted lube of course.

(11/9/18 12:25 am)

[mypersonalspaces]

I love you. I love your enthusiasm for life, I love how you always want to help people, it's sad that you've learnt that not everyone can be helped however hard you try. I love your creativity, all the ideas you get when something inspires you are amazing, I love that you think in such a different way to everyone and come up with different solutions. I love how chilled you are and how you don't care what other people think, sometimes it annoys me quite how much you don't care but that is just one of the things that make you special. I love trying new things with you, we have such similar ways of talking and describing things. I love that we think so similary that we literally say the same things. I love sharing music with you, even if you don't like all the things I like that reminds me how much we are separate humans with our own individual lives that have chosen to spend our time together. I love learning how to be a better person with you. I love laughing with you and at you, I love being able to go from being serious to being silly to being serious again in the space of a minute. I love play fighting with you and I love tickling you. I love kissing you and cuddling you. I love being able to talk about sex with you. I love having sex with you. I love how honest we can be with each other. I love all this and I can't wait to find out even more things I love about you xx (12:16 26/5/18)

[mypersonalspaces]

things im gunna work on this year

1. my fear of heights, I want to be able to deal with heights a lot better and to be able to put up the zipline at work on my own

2. my communication skills, I want to be able to talk aloud to people a lot better without stuttering or mumbling my words 

3. my money management, I want to be able to save up some moeny this year for the winter and i want to be able to pay my rent on time each month

4. my physical health, I want to get stronger and i also want to increase my flexibility again, so for this i need to put more time and effort into exercising

5. my social life, I want to see my friends more often and try and organise some sorta dinner night each week or 2 weeks or every month.

(20:07 06/03/18)

[mypersonalspaces]

I feel so grateful for the things i have in my life. I have my wonderful cat back, I have a job that i enjoy a lot. I have an amazing boyfriend,who cares for me and understands me.i have my health. i have a family who ares for me and helps me when i am in need. the only thing that is going wrong is my car, and i dont see my friends enough. i see his friends plenty and theyre wonderful people who i get along with, but  i dont get to see my own friends enough. i worry about them but i dont know how they are or what theyve beeen up to. who theyre seeing, what music they listen to. we never go out for dinners or anything like that. i need to tell them that. i need to go on an individual dinner date with them both then a dinner all together. i also feel like i need more friends which... i dunno.. i love the friends i have but theres a reason i dont see them much. theyre always busy when im free and they cancel a lot. i dunno, ive been thinking abou tit a lot recently and its just.. i feel like he goes out to see his friends and they come round here, and just i stay here. and i go to work. and i come with him sometimes to see his friends. and i feel like its only on important occasions i see my friends, like birthdays and new years. im gunna try woek on that this year i think. trying to see my friends more and maybe attempt to make new friends i dunno, depends who is about in the world that i will meet..

(19:55 06/03/18)

[mypersonalspaces]

How am I feeling about this year? I am ready for being outside A LOT both in my job and in my free time. I am more prepared to be an outdoor instructor. I am looking forward to doing more camping both wild and at festivals. I am starting to get more excited about going to festivals. I am definitely trying to be louder and more outspoken. I want to try and get fitter this year.

(24/02/18 21:28)

[mypersonalspaces]

Fuck, I love you so so much. You are so amazing and resilient and caring and kind and funny and smart, maybe not book smart but real world smart, you make facing the world feel not so difficult and daunting. I love looking at your face and your eyes and your mouth and the way I can feel so secure and loved just by being in your arms. There isn't much I don't like about you, even how we disagree about cooking.. But even then I see my reasons are just because that's how my parents did it not anything else. The things I don't like are pretty small.. Like how quick you are to jump to a negative conclusion and how you expect the worst from everyone. I don't like that if you get turned off you just leave me and start talking about horrible things straight away. I don't like..... Nope I think thats it.. I love the colour of your skin, I love your style, I love that you think I look sexy in my gardening trousers, I love your laugh, I love that you genuinely don't care what others think of you, I love how much you care about me, I love your excitement and enthusiasm for juggling and learning new skills, I love how we both know that the government is shit but don't care quite enough to know the details, I love that we both need to be outside and am at our happiest when we are doing something, I love that we both long to live in the woods, I love that you love to go dancing and feel wonderful and meet people, I love all of you. I love you.

(23:55 1/2/2018)