myroominspace-blog

[myroominspace-blog]

day 3

Today I naturally woke up just before my 6.30 alarm. I got ready and went to uni for 9am, for two hours of combinatorics and two hours of dynamics. I had my meeting with my tutor for my investigation and I was so so nervous about him reading my sample chapter.

All in all it hasn't been a hugely productive day. Again I need to remember to be honest with myself.

[myroominspace-blog]

day 2

Today I woke up at 6.30 am. Me and N went to the gym at around 7am. I did leg press, squats, db step ups, plank and side planks and ran on the treadmill for a while.

I had the besan chilla again this morning for breakfast, got ready and then cycled to the library for about 11.30. I went to the silent area and it was so much easier to focus. I've been using this focus app that uses the Pomodoro technique. I wasn't using it strictly enough really but I'll try harder tomorrow. I had some left over besan chilla for lunch and I went home around 5pm and ate some noodles with spicy schezwan noodle sauce and mushrooms. I do find I eat more than I need to for pleasure.

Me and J went to a nearby town to get her some makeup and we spent a while bitching about this rude lady at a counter. After coming home we did a tumeric and gram flour face mask, as im on such a gram flour wave at the moment, and N made some delicous american pancakes.

I feel that today was an improvement, however small. I did feel overwhelmed at points in the library once I realised how much I have to do. I must approach things with the attitude that I can do them. I watched a video recently and it talked about how a lot of maths is about confidence. More than anything I just want to come to my exams feeling confident that I can do well on them.

I'm going to watch some Bob Ross now and fall asleep I've got to be out by 8.30 tomorrow so I'll wake up at 6.30 so I have time to make lunch.

I am in control, I have a choice.

[myroominspace-blog]

day 1

Today I woke up 7am.

I had a shower and made some gram flour pancakes with tomato and spinach and had them with yoghurt. I made one more to take with me to uni and then left.

On Mondays I have Linear Optimization from 9am-11am, and then Dynamics and Geometry from 11am-1pm.

In Linear Optimization I make notes from the lecture slides on my phone barely even reading them. When he asks us to try a question I don't attempt it. My lecturer S couldn't find my test paper and said it would likely be in his office and I could come get it later.

I keep feeling so stressed in Dyn/Geo because when my lecturer asks us to try an example I don't even know where to start. He comes around to see if we need any help or a push in the right direction and I'm sitting and praying that he doesn't come over to me so I keep my head down and look at the notes I've just written. He comes over and asks me hows it's going, and then he says 'Oh your reading through your notes, is it making sense?' I smile and say kind of, and he asks if there is anything I don't understand specificallly, and I say that I'm getting there, and he goes to help someone else and I feel so relieved.

I'm entirely aware that I am not in school, I'm in my final year of university, and his job is to support my learning and it's my job to ask. I'm choosing to be here. I'm not anxious in most parts of my life, and I have become pretty confident over the last few years, but something about the academic environment causes me so much stress.

I say that I'm struggling but in reality I'm not even trying. Struggling is when there is resistance to your efforts, but my efforts to complete tutorial work/understand content outside the context of coursework and tests is minimal.

After my second lecture I went to the cafe to eat and then just got on my bike and went home. I cooked the left over batter and then cooked some vegetarian sausage rolls too. I spent the rest of the time trying to get some gratification from my phone and cleaning ect.

Compared to my second year I have improved a lot. I am focused on maintaining a routine and I'm attending so many more lectures than before. I'm trying to go to the gym three times a week, and even though I don't stick to eating healthy I am conscious of what I'm eating.

Just like G I know I am doing everything I can to improve my situation, without addressing the core issue. Doing everything else eating well, staying fit, having a routine, will help immensely, but it will not fix his or my core issue.

I'm so aware of the time I spend searching for cheap gratification but I can't seem to take control and stop myself.

I spoke to R briefly on the phone and she told me that it is going to be extremely difficult for me to focus if I keep talking to G everyday on the phone. I keep telling myslef I can handle it and I can do it, but the reality is I'm not handling it, and I'm not doing it.

I need to be honest with myself. I know I am capable of doing so well. Since G hasn't been well he has been my priority, in the forefront of my mind always. I've done what I can and I was there when he really needed me. I'll speak to G today or tomorrow and explain this in the kindest way I can.

Now university is my priority.

I'm going to write here everyday at the end of the day, and say what I've done and how I've been feeling. So far writing things down in my notes has been a good way for me to understand how I'm feeling.

The whole process has been so difficult but I can do it. I am the disciplined, determined person that I admire so much.

If I act, I am.