myseoulliving-blog

[myseoulliving-blog]

Dear internet and future me,

This is the first post that I have ever posted to social media. I’m 18. It is currently 20/01/18 and the time is 22:10. This moment is important to be because this the moment when I have finally stopped caring what people are thinking and will think about me. For the past four years I have developed anxiety ( I know I'm so unique a white girl posting on tumblr about anxiety ) and I have blamed it on my looks, society, my peers, the pressures at school when all this time the only thing that has held me back from achieving is myself. Now, this will change and must change because my mother raised no weak ass bitch. 

To future me, as I HIGHLY doubt that anyone other than yourself will be reading this in the future, I will update you on what has so far happened in my eighteen years of existence. Firstly, 2017 was the worst year of your life. You suffered with extreme mental health issues. This is quite frankly not great at the best of times, but you made great mates with Mr Anxiety whilst doing your A Levels. However, you and Mr A had quite an abusive relationship. Mr A enjoyed making you stay up at night, give you panic attacks... well everywhere and worst of all made you doubt yourself and your abilities. What Mr A took away from you was the sense of rationality and reality. Without rationality and reality you’re basically crazy, which to be blunt, you was. WAS. You gave up and the harsh untruths which Mr A used to speak inside your head won and there was no medication that could have fought this demon in your head other than yourself. This then made you graduate with CDD with an A in your EPQ for your A levels. The insane thing is I can remember all the exam questions for my GCSES. Even my English Literature that I took when I was fifteen. Exams I took less than a year ago...nothing. Basically, you turned into a little bitch who couldn't face up and scream NO when someone, even yourself, told you that you couldn’t do something. 

You are now on your gap year. It is January and to be fair you have accomplished a lot:

Got yourself a job which you love. Earning your own money and building key skills such as being able to speak to strangers. Who would have thought this anxious, introverted ginger could do that! 

Got yourself to a dermatologist to fix that face! Looks don't mean anything, but feeling confident in my exterior has certainly helped. 

Got yourself into Uni studying English Language and Linguistics and Korean!

Now here are your 2018/future goals!

Love yourself 

Go to Korea, see and immerse yourself in a culture that is far from what you know and are used to. The world is much bigger than you and to be fair mate makes your insecurities and worries look completely insignificant. Go to the country whose culture and language you love. 

Open yourself up, whether that means the risk of being ridiculed. If you never take the chance you’ll never be loved 

Go to Uni and get a first. Prove to yourself how clever you are. Make your A Level grades look like a stumble not a complete car crash. You ARE intelligent. You’ve got to prove this to yourself! 

Now, TELL THAT ANXIETY THAT IT AINT ALL THAT AND A BAG OF BLOODY CHIPS AND THAT YOU CAN AND WILL SUCCEED.