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[myshittyquarterlife]

My thoughts

My therapist told me to start journaling and to gather all my thoughts together into one place to avoid me having restless sleep and fighting demons at night. 

I like that I can trust you here, with nobody else, and no judgement. 

So let me categorize this bitch: 

Friends: First off, I have been dealing with a lot with friends and friend circles, and even Sara is involved which doubles it because I take what happens to her to heart. She feels betrayed and neglected by our friends and I don’t blame her, I feel the same way. She recently confronted “ Amir” and he reacted in the most horrible way, by gaslighting her, and not only that, but by falsely accusing her to deflect on his insolent actions. Not only do I feel rage, but more disappointment and disgust. For a second there, I was also gaslit and was ready to go apologize to him, but it took me only a few hours to be struck with “ oh shit he almost won at gaslighting me, he shouldnt be this much of a victim, how did this twist this way” but that’s the thing was gaslighters, they will try to make you believe another reality and twist your whole world around. Luckily, I was very proactive and attentive to his intentions that I warned Sara over it. As much as she says she doesn’t want to get into it and confront it, I do think she should have her free space to express what he said to our friends, not to prove a point, but to clear her name and also screw him over and bring his true colours out, in case the first time wasn’t enough. 

I am filled with injustice and disgust but all I can do it sit back and watch her be sad and feel alone, I wish they were more emotionally aware. 

Mother: So the thing with my mom is, I hate when she brings expectations onto me, specially ones about my love life, or my marriage status, she doesn’t always do it, but the few times she has, its been nothing but heavy and invasive. I feel unsafe, watched, and walked in on. I am in a happy relationship and I wish I could be in it safely without the involvement of anyone else or the fear of being caught. 

I do understand that she probably isn’t pushing anything or investigating but it does feel invasive even when she does sometimes ask, because it scares me into not wanting to act a certain way around her to avoid that confrontation, I just wish she was like my father, just non chalant and has boundaries. You can build a foundation without having to spill your sex life to your parent. 

I do feel watched, scared, restrained and not free, I feel like I have something to hide and that I have to watch my every move and word. I have a ticking bomb and a constant fear of being confronted. 

However, to try to rationalize it; She is probably just like any other mother, she will be curious, she will ask annoying questions, but they don’t necessarily have to mean that she is forcing anything upon me or that I will be shunned out if I don’t do them. They are nothing but a nasty suggestion, yes they will ruin my month, even year, but I need to learn how to  brush them off because they will keep showing up. I feel very frustrated and like I wanna fight her, she needs to stop being a snake, because as normal as this may be to any other person, it causes me the biggest anxiety in the world and makes me wanna throw up, just leave me the fuck alone and love me as I am for once, without your nasty comments. 

I dont know how to cope, and I dont think sara can even help because she has a healthy mother, and i envy their relationship, it just seems much easier, and even then, like the worst case she finds out so what? she is understanding and nice and open minded and wont kill her. my biggest fear should not be my mother.  I cannot confront her even though I feel a need to because everytime I hear something new I grow with resentment and anger, and I just cant confront it without looking weird because to her it was a passing day and something that probably didnt cross her mind at all, but it seems like soemthing that bothers her about me , like shes looking for any opportunity to bring up my love life and want me to be groomed or someshit, can she fuck offfffff i wanan breathe and be my own self i am fine i dont need her stupid wishes or whatever it is she considers happiness. 

I cant ever be excited for family reunions or gatherings because its me constantly being nervous or confronted or looked at with great disappintement, almost like any of my accomplishements dont mean shit, my degree, my gym workouts and healing from ED , my job, my license, nothing matters 

That’s pretty much all I have to say about this day. 

[myshittyquarterlife]

My Queen of Swords

I often come to you at times of sadness and desperation, but can I introduce you to my wonderful partner? she is all types of beautiful and sparks up the passion inside me to write about something not depressing. 

She is my Queen of Swords, just like the symbol, she resembles a nurturing, loving, kind, wise nature. She has been through a lot but has the power in her to not let it overpower her true nature and morals, another lady in her shoes would have developed a villain persona, but she, is another level of resilient. 

She has always been somehow lurking in my life for the past few years, whether as an acquaintance, a mutual, a friend, a quirky flirtationship, a sexting buddy? a girlfriend. And in all forms and ways she’s been in my life, I have ben grateful and even with her sporadic visits, I’d feel reassured that I have a guardian angel protecting me, even from afar.

It has always felt like there was a barrier between us amongst the different dynamics, but it was usually weird when others were present, we had just never talked alone or got the chance to be fully with each other, I only realized why recently. If I had ever gone out with her once alone, while she was dating her ex, it would have stirred up a lot of confusions and mixed feelings, so I am glad it happened this way. 

To describe her, she is the most kindest, wonderful, nicest, smartest, funnest, prettiest girl I have ever encountered and I am so happy to claim her as mine, forever, and ever, and ever. She makes me feel like I have a stupid crush in middle school. Do you know the feeling when your silly crush acknowledges you in class and you get so happy? she makes me feel like that but all the time throughout my “ adulthood”. 

She likes cheese, specially weird smelling ones, she likes bread a lot, she is into boujie gourmet type food, and I will work twice as hard to afford it for her. 

She likes Fleetwood Mac and I have bought 2 vinyls because of her, she likes tarot cards, and I have filled my whole shelf of different tarots. She likes to perserve her youthfulness and beauty and so I have filled my bathroom with different face products so I could follow her routines. I even adopted mixing the same essential oils she does so I could smell her all the time, and feel her presence. 

I love her, so much, I would kill to have a life with her. My life will be fulfilled knowing I could always take her shopping with me and treating her with little gifts like kombucha or whatever it is her bug eyes desire. I want to take her with me wherever I go like a keychain, I want to come home to her after a long day and snuggle up with her, I want to cook for her, I want her to cook for me, I want to have rituals with her, I want out own little witch shelf, I want us to host cute dinner parties then gossip together after when everyone leaves.  I grew up feeling constantly exiled from what I have perceived as a “ home”, my childhood house was hold, but through it all she has been my constant and forever home that no one can take away from me. 

[myshittyquarterlife]

Lonely night

I am severely lonely, and not the lonely that I felt before where you’re expecting a phone call or a friend coming over later. No. The phone, does not ring, the door does not ring. 

I feel an immense disconnection from reality and from people, and not in a quirky way, but in a “ is anybody in my life even real” way. Maybe its the sudden clash I’ve had with people lately which made my brain detach from everyone, but its deeper than that, I am gaslighting myself and doubting if I ever even meet anyone or if I followed a false narrative. 

Maria does not talk to me at all, and its her behaviour but I feel like I am delusional about our friendship, wow this girl got a handful of rants on my previous blog and now here, what a consistent character. Except when has it ever been good? 

Joanne denied the fact that we casually dated which triggered me because its not that I care for her validation or her cherishing our memories, ew? its more that I feel people would do anything to alter their memories of being involved with me, which ruins my perception of what's real and what's not and that's pretty problematic for my dissociative brain. 

Amir did the exact same thing too recently which also goes back to me feeling like I am delusional and gaslit. 

None of my friends have reached out to me, once again, no one checking on me, they only did it once through my partner which is unfair because she is not me. She is in fact way better. Which brings me to my other thought, and I say this without jealousy or comparison, but I genuinely feel like she’s more approachable and likeable than I am, I find that my friends tend to reach out to her more, and its not just because she is in their proximity, but there are other social behaviours which have proven it to me. I usually wouldn't’ knit pick on such details, but I guess because I feel shunned out, it has become evident. 

I am literally writing this in the dark, listening to my sad music, it is so nostalgic to high school, except I don’t have friends to look forward to seeing the next day, as per my daily routine. Oh how I miss having a routine and being comfortable, I would just always know what to expect and who I’ll be seeing, not this gibberish. I am lost, and confused, and messed up all the time. 

Who knew 10 years later I would still be writing to you, in a different setting, different continent, with the same, if not more severe anxiety problems. 

An added bonus is I have a wonderful partner this time, and she is all types of amazing, I am thankful for her presence, and support  

[myshittyquarterlife]

I don’t know

This is my first post, the last time I did this, I was 15, it was 10 years ago. I never thought I would come back here, to you, writing out my feelings, because I still don’t feel the comfort of anybody’s presence. 

My life has drastically changed since the last time I wrote, hence why I decided to not add onto my old journal, but to start a new one. I would not want to mess with younger me, she went through a lot, I am leaving her alone to process things peacefully as I suffer through my adulthood. 

Now things may be very confusing for you, please do not freak out, I will briefly update you on my life events:  Yes, you can like both genders, its called bisexuality, and that is what I am

It was not a phase, and yes you are over your high school god forsaken hopeless love, you are in fact best friends to this day

You also fucked? 

You had sex, you gave head, received head, got into a threesome, had some one night stands, anonymously got with someone over an app? car hookups, spontaneous hookups, you even got sexually assaulted consistently by friends, strangers, you name it all.

You are a sexual deviant. 

You got into an accidental relationship, it ruined your life, you were sick and anxious for a while, so you can say you’re pretty sexually traumatized. Congratulations. 

Fast forward, you graduated, you are a dietitian, you have a stable long term girlfriend that lives across the world. You are happy with her, the happiest you’ve been and it is for once on mutual terms. 

Surprise, you’ve agreed to be open/poly with this person, yet you have the worst jealousy issues. 

So in between that, you dated a guy, it was shit, but in a sense that it was anti climactic and disappointing, he turned out to be a shithead, but not in a predatory way, just a mid little hurt. 

These are the prominent updates on your life, now we will move on to your most recent trauma: A big conflict that arose involving your friend group, him, your gf  That’s it for this post, the next one will touch on my current issue extensively