myspacedotcumdumpster

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

12/22/2024 1:10 pm

Riddle me fucking this: why is it that every time I write about how happy and joyful it is to have found someone who I enjoy hanging out with they turn out to be too good to be true?

Maj broke things off with me on Thursday. It came as no surprise because I had a dream about it that morning that I was experiencing a breakup/separation. He also alerted me that something was weird via his language in a text "I was hoping to pop over quickly to perceive you briefly?" and then "and chatski"

Let's dissect this:

"pop over" "percieve" "briefly" "chatski" fast, see YOU, FAST, talk about something that IS SERIOUS but he wanted to make it SEEM fun.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

He spoke from a place of clarity, I only know this because I asked if it was coming from a place of fear. He said two things could be true:

that he needed to be alone, he has to, he needs to be with HIMSELF. he then overexplained a bunch more about what that means.

that he has enjoyed getting to know me, that i am the softest and warmest person he's ever met, that he loves being my friend and hanging out with me.

I want to scream "why am I never enough?" but at the same time, I am the right amount of everything, I am so so so kind and understanding and full of adoration. It's the MEN that let me down. They see how precious I am and how serious I am about how much love resides in my heart and they get scared about what that means? They seem so scared of me, and how much power I somehow hold over them with this.

I had a little roster before Maj, and he wanted to Not be on a roster so what did I do? I severed the connections I had with other because I thought he was Serious about me. Serious about wanting to be with me, getting to know me, intimately understanding who I am Fundamentally as a person.

But, no. He wanted the thrill of the beginning. The easy part of getting to know someone new. That makes me sad, because he still wants to Be Friends. Send memes. Chat on the phone. Come over. but has he considered that I will treat him like a severed part of my heart? He will not get the same Zenny he courted to the coolidge, who wrote him notes, who foraged him treats and knick knacks. That Zenny is reserved for romance.

He will be getting a different person. A cooler and colder self, because the warmth I felt for him now has to warm me, to keep me afloat, tethered to this world, because right now, this time of the year is when I wish to live amongst the dead. The solstice period is so dark and I hear the whispers of how much easier it would be to not feel this deeply a little bit louder.

I hate the holidays because I am reminded of how alone I am. It's a hard time of year for so many people, I just wish to be held, and I was really hoping that Maj and I could hold each other in this time. I want to hold onto hope that things will turn around and I won't be alone on the holiday because I'll be near friends or at my neighbors, but everything is up in the air.

I guess at New Years I will eat grapes under a table to manifest love.

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

12/15/2024 1:58pm

God, I love reading AND I love writing. I love feeling known. I love letting people know me. I love experiencing joy through connection. Something I've been trying to let go of is the inevitable end.

I forgot to take my meds yesterday (oops) and I fell asleep with trying to eulogize my (very much alive) dad. I have so many things I wish to say about him, I cried thinking about a world where he is no longer here. Which brings me to this: I think I have OCD, I have so many rituals and superstitions and how if I think good thoughts then good things will happen. I do not allow my brain to wallow in the unknown or allow comparison to thieve my joy, that just ISN'T fair.

Also, I wish to touch upon how bad ai (Grammarly) is. It keeps suggesting corrections which sound stupid. I hate how our technology keeps evolving into something worse.

I miss 2009 internet. I miss 2019 internet.

2024 to 2025 is about to be a very dark place, algorithmically speaking. Souce: I feel it in my heart.

I've been toying with the idea of writing publically on substack but I fear that my takes aren't important or even worthy of being published on there. What kind of takes does a baddie from Framingham Massachusetts TRULY have? But this begs the question of "are people who post from major cities really able to command our culture?" to be answered. I think in a way, yes, but on the flip side there are so many of us, posters, from metropolitan suburbs, farm towns, and isolated rural landscapes who have voices to share. However, the algorithm is keeping us all apart, so that we may not mobilize.

With the death of the UHC CEO we are all being shown to each other, the algorithm shows similar posts to the ones a user has liked or interacted with, so we are now seeing more takes on the hot issue of obliterating our dying nation's oligarchs from posters far and wide.

When I got up this morning, after one day of missed prozac, I was able to feel the muscles in my core, something I haven't felt or engaged with since getting back on my meds in September. I miss working out. I miss the rage. I miss moving in a way that makes me feel like a weapon. I saw earlier on my timeline that the biggest "fuck you" we can give to our oppressors is being in fighting shape, so that we are clear and aware of what is being done to us as the working class.

As soon as I took my dose this morning, I felt myself slip back into the soft and docile state that it has me blanketed in. I felt myself lose the rage. I felt myself become muted.

Every Sunday I post a "Sunday Slay" video on my ig stories, showcasing my Sunday Best outfit for my shift at the museum. I took one take and I started off with "I'm feeling depressed and wearing muted colors, very proletariat coded, the wealthy class wears white because they can afford to fuck up, whereas someone like me can't" I deleted it. Who the fuck starts a fashion video like that? Then I posted the next version where I convinced myself to be more animated to spread joy to those I know watch my stories for this weekly segment. I didn't want to let them down. I didn't want to call a spade a spade. We all know what kind of broken system we live in and under and by me, a whimsical little bitch, saying so unfortunately makes it real. I must continue to curate a weird and zany little dream world for those who follow me to visit, so that there is some solice to be found online.

I was talking with my friend and lover, Majid, today about posting, he is also a poster, but has declared that I post so frequently on many different apps and always seem to get at least one like, I said to him "it's because I allow myself to be seen" or at least what I want you all to see. I am very precious and kind and funny, and I love sharing that online, and aways have. I have been online since before my frontal lobe was finished growing and I will be on here until I get demented and start regurgitating posts from the decades of memes I have witnessed when I am in the nursing home. A part of me thinks I will be dead before that chapter in my life. Maybe all of us will be? But that's bleak. Who knows what the future has in store, all I know is that in the present I will remain effervescent in order to spread that energy to others.

Anyways, that's all I have to say for right now. Who knows what I will say next?

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

This picture of a UPS worker delivering a package on 9/11 right after the second tower was hit is so fascinating to me. I totally would have used two buildings being blown up and the city infrastructure pausing as an excuse to not do my job. Just go back to the depot and call it a day. But no he’s bravely delivering that Backstreet Boys poster or whatever while everyone else stares at the buildings behind him in shock. Went “Well, that sucks. Can’t do anything about it I guess.”

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

8/28/24 1:21 pm

I feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Tim abruptly broke things off with me yesterday.

I really wanted us to be an Us.

He said that he had therapy and was scared that he's not going to be able to provide me with the time, energy, and attention that I deserved. He broke things off out of respect for me. But I do not think that was respectful. I found it to be cowardly.

Up until that point, he had shown me nothing but green flags. My friends, whom I told about this, suggested that maybe his red flag is that he cannot commit. I think he's just scared. I'm scared too. Falling for someone is supposed to make you feel a little insane and unstable. I was getting used to him being apart of my routine, in fact, I craved him as a cameo in my day through text correspondence or phone calls.

One of my friends pointed out that the right person would make space in my life for me, and I thought that's what Tim and I were doing. I wanted it to be him so badly, and I'm just so so so sad.

Part of me thinks that I came on too strong, I told him that I squirted the other day, maybe that scared him. Also, I'm at the tail end of ovulating so I've been feral.

I just wanted to have fun with him. We decided to remain friends, but I'm going to express that I do care for him and that this summer was magical because of our shared intellectual correspondence, the laughs we had, and the bits we did. I find him so charming and I am so attracted to him. I've never met someone quite like him, because he is a true gem.

I want to continue expressing to him with no fears or reservations, but this whole scenario has felt so catastrophic, that I'm scared that I will not be able to present as my authentic self because of how hurt I feel.

I hope things all work out how they are supposed to so that I may continue on the path I am supposed to be on.

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

don’t

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

Cornelis Kick (Dutch,1631-1681)

Still Life with a Lemon and pink Roses

Oil on canvas

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

Interesting observations I've made recently.

It's 7/28/2024 1:30 pm

I went on a first date yesterday. His name is Tim. We spent the last few weeks texting, voice memo'ing, and then eventually: chatting via the phone. Saturday was the 3-week mark of us knowing about one another's existence thanks to Hinge (Not Sponsored).

I like him.

It's been cool to interact like this, we have been in contact every day which makes me feel like we are speedrunning knowing one another. However, all I've seen from him are green flags, so I am not alarmed.

He is so bright, like a field of sunflowers. His laugh is infectious. He has friends and family, whom he is close with. A good sign. That means people who know him, like knowing him. They cherish and value him.

I've observed that he gives me his full attention. He is attracted to me (confirmed: he told me). He is respectful of me and my quirks. He is vibrant, a former theatre kid. Now, a 26-year-old with a career in the industrial plumbing-part sales field. He is responsible and on time. he is polite.

I am attracted to him, which is equal parts exciting and frightening. It's nice to be seen, heard and thought of, and I keep reminding myself of that. Love shouldn't be hard. Sure, there are hard moments within relationships, but the foundation should be fun and secure.

The other week, I met my ex boyfriend, Sean, for boba. We dated from 16-20/18-22, so we were literal babies. Not a clue about the real world. When we broke up, it was devastating because it was all so much. He wanted to get married and I wanted to be free. 6 weeks after our breakup, he met his now-wife. That was 10 years ago and now they have 3 children, which is what he's always wanted. I talked to my therapist about him and I's dark moments and how we are now friends (mostly online). The love that I had for him never left, it simply evolved, and I cherish that.

I dated so many people through out my 20's. Too many to remember, actually. And now, I have insane little stories and snippets of lore that have contributed to my growth as a person. It's helped me develop who I want to be, and who I want to be with.

With Rocco, I was dating a former degenerate. He was smoking weed before school and then as an adult making DMT in his kitchen with his stunted "friends". He never evolved into a fully formed person.

Personally, I feel that he never grew from the 8th-grade boy mentality. He, and I quote, "has never been friends with an ex" (red flag). Now, that I'm reflecting on that statement, that astounds me. Out of ALL the exes that he has: he doesn't still care about one?? I know he cared about Theresa. Some girl from Panama who thought they were getting married. She thought that because HE gave her the wrong idea by introducing her to his family. Culturally, in all aspects, he was so unaware.

Now, that I'm on the other side of our breakup, I am glad that he isn't talking to me. But, I still find it cowardly to simply banish someone to the realm of the unknown. We shared so many good moments, but also SOOOOO many bad ones. I can't help but find myself romanticizing some of them, EVEN THOUGH *I* was the one who was unhappy - and tried to end it 3 times.

Eventually, desperate, knowing what would get him to leave me, I expressed that within polyamory: I wanted to date other men. I knew he would break up with me. Because my attempts to break up with him due to safety concerns (lying, doing drugs, disrespecting my boundaries) weren't valid to him, so he rejected my efforts and would claim he would "change" and "do better" and that I was "the love of his life" and "made his life worth living". False promises and manipulation.

Astrologically, we had many similarities. We were born in the same year a few days apart. And, I know there's a saying that we act as mirrors for everyone we meet. It was paralyzing to be with him, I felt as though I was negating my own potential by being with someone who had no goals or aspirations - the opposite of who I am. The reflection I saw of myself within him was a subservient emptiness. He took so much from me. I was in a cycle of people pleasing him, and then isolating myself from my friends.

On my date with Tim yesterday, I got a notification yesterday from Co-Star, an app that I now treat like poetry instead of fact, saying "Love is not always written in the stars". It came moments after he took a wrong turn in downtown Dedham. He jokingly stated that it was a ruse so he could spend more time with me. I smiled and laughed because I knew he meant it. We both didn't want to separate after the date, but I had to go walk a dog (Pippa the Bulldog). I used to think of astrology as fact, it was prophetic. Sometimes if DOES feel that way, but most of the time I think of it now like a fable or mythology.

Tim's Astrology is very pleasing to me. Enchanting, really. He is quick and witty, but also so heartfeltly genuine. He radiates kindness and it is very hot to see. He has a water-dominant chart (thank gosh), with accompanying air placements, and the best earth placements. The placements I'm very interested in are His Cancer Sun, Gemini Moon, Pisces Rising, and Taurus Venus. Wee woo!!!!

I've told my friends about him, they have told me to have fun. And they're right. I should be having fun. Love is supposed to be fun. I am confident in this and my feelings. Thinking about it makes my face go like :3 :) :D. That's HUGE.

I have been grounding myself daily, because I know how easy it is to fall into a crush. I am on course for so many things and I will not minimize or dilute myself in anyway - not that I think I would. Tim seems so delighted by me especially whilst expressing success. Even though this is new, I do not feel like I need to wear mask to appease him, or anyone. I am simply doing me, and will continue to do so - however I will bask in the joy and delight that love can bring. I am excited to explore this :,) <3

Edit: 2:54 pm - Noelle and I broke up in February, it was hard, but alas, our love has always been. We are still great friends. I also re-read my last entry and I do not actually think I hate Rocco, I think more than anything the love I had for him turned to sour sorrow. I feel bad for him, in a pitiful way, but not enough to let that consume me. His energy is not allowed to take space in my heart.

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

even letters: B, D, E, G, H, L, M, N, O, R, S, T, W

odd letters: A, C, F, I, J, K, P, Q, U, X, Z

sometimes vowel: Y

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

Oof.

Never again will I let a man interrupt my life.

Disgusting.

It's 11/4/23 1:26 pm

He derailed me for the last month with this break up. I tried breaking up with him in July so I could be free of his bullshit before the school year.

I think I hate him for telling me how I feel.

I told him how I felt, and then he needed to rewrite it to better suit his needs.

What about my needs? My need to NOT be in this dumbass relationship? I've been so over him for so long but now I'm angrier than before. The rage persists.

In other news, I love my girlfriend. Dating her was the best choice I made fo rmyself.

The lore is, I told Rocco I wanted a gf since the beginning of our relationship, and the conversation never came because it was never the right time for Him.

However, when I met Noelle, the conversation needed to happen. She is effervescent, silly, and grounding. We lean on each other. We hold each other. We function without constant attention from one another, however we thrive in that light with eachother.

I find that when I look at her I can't help but stare, she's so pretty, I lose my mind. What a joy it is to be in the presence of a modern angel. :3

Anyways, I'm doing my homework but needed to write some shit down. The rage, and the joy.

xoxoxo

Edited to add: when I broke up with him in the summer, he manipulated me to stay with him. It was bullshit, I am TOO nice. He developed a crush on Noelle. I entertained the idea that maybe they could date, but I couldn't handle it. i wasn't sure at first why? Was it because my bf was hanging with my gf? or bc my gf was with my bf?

No. It was anxiety that he would manipulate her like he manipulated me for the past 2 years. He did his little routine like he did with me, talking about his big trip to Asia A DECADE AGO. His spirituality. His interest in bugs. Luckily, Noelle was not as interested in him as he was in her. He was TOO interested, attached to the idea of her really quick too. They hung out twice alone. He already decided that she was his gf.

I expressed I didn't want them to date, I was wrong, I couldn't handle it. He was mad at me because I was taking away HIS power, and that he felt REALLY COOL having two gfs. weird. boring. annoying.

Fuck him.

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

It's all bad, besties.

It's 7/20/2023 10:43pm

I feel ill. My head hurts.

I broke up with Rocco last week. His response was "I don't want to break up". Okay??

He called today to talk. It was okay but also so awkward.

I paced for 20 mins after we hung up and called him back. I told him I don't like how this feels. I don't like how he lies to me.

He gave me some bullshit about how he didn't think lying about something silly would be so upsetting to me. He was wrong. He also lied about big things. He didn't have time to talk about that because he was tired, sweaty, and hungry.

Guess what? I was too. I am emotionally spent from constantly giving him grace. I am so tired of being a vehicle for him to live through. I want to live my own life, bask in my own emotional successes, heal from the hurt I have endured. I am so tired.

It feels like he coasts off of whatever I am doing instead of living his own rich and fulfilling life. I hate that so much. I don't want to be the center of his attention. I have been doing so well not talking to him. He has been suffering without me. That should be a wake-up call for him to get his ass moving and grooving.

It's hard because I do love him. I am just so claustrophobic.

I decided I don't want to date him anymore because he needs to address his sneaky behavior around drug use. I don't want to be a crutch for him through that. I want him to build resilience and figure it out on his own. I just can't fucking bare the weight of him figuring it out and putting me through it with him.

I pondered marriage and found out that when a male and female couple gets married, the woman figure gains 7 hours of extra labor where as the man loses one. That includes her cooking meals, doing chores such as cleaning and administration, and childcare/pet care. I fucking HATE THAT. I feel like I already gained those 7 hours. I don't want that. I want 7 hours for myself, to dedicate to my art, my spiritual exploration, and my quiet time.

I don't want to give myself away for marriage. I want to give MYSELF a marriage.

oof.

My wrists hurt from using them to wedge clay, play video games, look at my phone, and now type this. I am going to bed.

Goodnight <3 (10:53p)

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

I hate how this feels

it’s 2/26/2023 1:56 pm

It’s been a while. I hate feeling like something bad is about to happen. 

I quit my job to save myself, and now I feel stuck. Hard. Lost. 

The train explosion in Ohio hasn’t been good to process. I keep thinking about the contaminated crops. They’re going to eventually kill us. I can feel it.

I will savor every meal as if it was my last. 

Rocco’s mom has been making lemon cake recently, it’s so good. I don’t want to think about the future where it will not exist. 

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

Time is still moving

It’s November 27th 2021.

It’s been a minute. Dad’s surgery went well, he’s fine. The doctors want him to get on the vegan movement. He said “after the holidays”. Valid. It’s sad because he’s gonna miss his fav meal of steak and eggs, but it’s going to be good for him.

I turned 28 on the 12th. I went up to Portland, Maine with my partner Rocco. He and I started seeing each other in August. We went on one date and immediately I was like “okay, this is who I’ve been hoping would show up”. He is so kind, compassionate, and silly. His birthday is November 9th, so our trip up north was a double whammy birthday celebration.

On the first night of our trip my sister and I got into it via text and she said some rude things to me regarding me being irresponsible. Luca was going to be at the house with Dad while I wasn’t home. Here’s how the convo went: Jess: FYI –– Frank is bringing Luca back to the house on Saturday. There aren’t any edibles lying around right? Me: I haven’t done edibles in a year Me: Lol Jess: Ok but There aren’t any lying around right? >>I fucking hate this tone she has. Me: No lol there’s my cabinet up top of mushroom honey but there’s nothing for hime to reach. >>I should have lied to her and not even mentioned this because this is where she went off. Jess: Mushroom honey? Psychedelic mushroom honey In the kitchen? Me: It is hidden. In the back of the cabinet. Well Labeled. Jess: That seems irresponsible. Frank’s not going to read a label and I want my kid to be safe there. Where is it? I’ll move it. >>It frustrates me how she discredits Frank to not read a label that I marked in big block letters. Also, he is not a tea drinker so why would he need honey. Also, your 4 year old does not consume honey so why would Frank give him it? ALSO! IT! IS! HIDDEN! Me: Top Cabinet to the right of the fridge. Back right corner. There is no way Frank is going to touch it. If you do move it, let me know where. Me: I wish you told me he was going to come over earlier in the week (before I left for my trip) so I could have cleaned better. Jess: Ok. Since he does still watch Luca there, if you could keep your psychedelics in your room I would appreciate it. >>Move sugar into my room to get ants for your comfort? No. Jess: I asked him yesterday bc my sitter canceled. Me: I wish you guys would loop me in to your plans. Me: Oh okay, but still Me: I’m going to dinner!! Talk later Jess: He shouldn’t need to give you notice to back to his house. I hope you are being respectful and living neatly. That’s a reasonable expectation. >>I hate how territorial she is over a house she hasn’t lived in since 2008. She is more territorial than Frank, he understands that I work full time and go to school full time. I am a human trying my best. Also I should note that I have cleaned more in the last 9-10 months than he has in 12 years since mom died. I went tf off. Me: Respectfully, I deserve to be given a heads up. I shouldn’t have to live life on my toes like that especially since that home is what I consider my space. I take care of it. Also, you don’t live neatly 24/7. So Please don’t hold me to the same standard  that you don’t hold for yourself. Thank you. Goodnight. >>I really don’t like this side of myself. I felt so hurt.  Jess: He needs to tell you when he’s going to his house? I disagree. Also, I own my own house and pay all of my bills. I have no roommates. You live at Frank’s house. I would expect that you live neatly and be respectful of a shared living space that you pay zero dollars for. >>I fucking couldn’t respond to that without bringing up how he’s my dad, not hers, and how his expectations of me are different than they were of her when she was my age. Not to mention that she is 12 years older than me and bought her house right when the recession ended. She is in a different part of life than I am and she is so keen on letting me know that however I exist is wrong. When I brought this up to my therapist she noted how Jessica took on an authoritative tone and that she in no way is an authority figure to me. She is my sister. This nightmare conversation took space up in my brain the whole trip. It made me so sick. Since I didn’t respond I simply heart reacted to it. Fuck you.

Other than that, the trip was nice. Rocco and I had really good sex all weekend. It was so special and fulfilling. I love him so much :,)

While on the trip, I realized that school is fucking hard, and it hurts my brain and body so much. I had to do homework there and I literally can’t bring myself to do it. Homework literally does not fucking matter to me. 

I miss painting and having free space in my head. Do I even want to be a teacher? Why am I even doing this? Is it because I want to be the adult I wish I had in those years? Probably. But the thing is, I wouldn’t be able to teach whatever I wanted. There’s state sanctioned curriculum. I wanna be able to teach whatever.

-------

I’ve been crying for 2 hours now. I want to drop out. Again.

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

It’s Been A Long Time

It’s July 1st 2021.

Kind of wild that 1/6/2021 is now known as “insurrection day” (when a bunch of maga freaks and fascists stormed the capital). It’s so fucking exhausting to live through historical event after historical event. I wish I could bury my head in the sand.

I’m at my Auntie Beth and Uncle Steve’s house. Since my last entry, I moved home to Framingham, which has been so incredible. I live home, alone. Dad spends all of his time down at the cape with Karen :) he comes home once a week to spend time with my nephew Luca while my sister has school committee meetings. It’s good for both of them to have that time together.

The reason I’m at my aunts is because my dad had heart surgery today. I didn’t want to be alone. It’s raining and the AC has made the room cold. It’s nice to be bundled as I write this. My dad had a quadruple coronary bypass, originally it was gonna be a triple but I guess he got a lil extra. Karen, a former nurse, said that the doctor told her that his heart looked good and that he’s gonna be bothering us for another 20 years :) (lol) 

Yesterday, I was so overstimulated. In February, I ended up getting a job at the middle school I once attended as a covid classroom supervisor. $26 hourly for 35 hours a week, made some fat stacks. I commuted for about 2 weeks until my former roommate Gia, who worked from home, would jump down my throat when I returned, practically BEGGING for interaction. At this point, Patience and Clay (formerly Kate) were on a long trip to New Mexico. I told Gia I needed space, to like decompress from returning to work after almost a year out of it. Gia began to gaslight me regarding that, saying it was mean or whatever. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to want space, she has never had anyone say no to her so maybe that’s why she didn’t get it.

I planned to move in May but I started packing in Feb, moved the first week of March. I have been deep cleaning for months, the kitchen, the bathroom, the garage etc. It’s been nice to move the energy around and make the space mine. Dad really has enjoyed the new life I brought in to it.

I was very successful in my job at Walsh, and ended up getting hired for the summer program. I trained all this week for it and it begins on Tuesday! I guess my overstimulation was from screens, meetings, returning to FHS, and on top of all of that: spending a final day with my Dad pre-heart surgery.

Karen has been updating me all day (bless her) and he is doing good, he’s in the ICU and vibing. I think I’m gonna visit him Saturday! It’s gonna be hard and scary, because I don’t want to see him hooked up to machines. But, it’ll be nice for him to see me :) I love my dad, and the life he has. He is a pillar and I am so grateful for him. 

unrelated, but I also got the official word from Framingham State that I have been accepted into it’s Teaching program!!!!!!! WEEEEEEE!!!!

Anyways, I’m really tired and am off to bed. I am so overjoyed by the abundance that the universe has sent me.

goodnight, I’ll talk to you later :)

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

Way Later

it’s January 6th 2021. 12:57am

2020 was the worst. the pandemic really failed the vibe check.

I’m still on my own, but I’m happy to have my own company.

Derrick turned out to be a freak and a creep. I set his ass straight. He is blocked.

Cameron the Virgo moved to NYC, came back for the pandemic, I saw him twice over the summer and felt disrespected physically the first time. with his self-serving entitlement and horny goblin hands he touched me somewhere that I did not authorize. In the moment I froze. I saw him again afterwards and was vocal about not wanting to do anything physical, he respected me. I don’t think he knows he disrespected me previously. I wished him a happy birthday. he replied. I replied. no reply back. He texted me in December, it was a self serving text to catch up, why would he suddenly become so emotionally available after so long? he said he was thinking of me when he found himself in quiet moments.I hypothesize he was horny and wanting to get out of the house. I didn’t told him I wasn’t doing well. I didn’t elaborate. I simply put it out there. He replied with a centering response about his own struggles. okay. i didn’t reply. Why would I hold space for someone who hasn’t held space for me? Maybe I am wrong, and overthinking the energy, but I needed somewhere to place my anger.

I was at my dad’s house when he texted. My dad wasn’t home, he was down the cape with his gf Karen (!! she rules!!). I only left the apartment because the energy my roommates were emitting xmas week was fucking toxic.

Patience and Gia, who are married, broke up on xmas eve. Kate, our 3rd roommate who is also Patiences gf, had to console her while Gia got me drunk in the kitchen. Overall, horrible holiday.

They decided that they don’t want to renew the lease. I have until Sunday to tell them what I want to do. I don’t have steady income due to the pandemic. I want more than anything to live alone but definitely can’t in this apartment (big money for one person)

I don’t want to renew the lease, and I don’t think I would be allowed to because I don’t have stable income. However, with that being said, a lot of people are invested in my art and are interested in purchasing. I just need to make a plan, and honor it.

I’m thinking about moving home to Framingham. I’m scared of regressing and losing all that I’ve built. But with that being said, that’s the age of Capricorn speaking, the world has entered a new age of Aquarius. The material assets are no longer the most important, it’s about the assets unseen. I have been manifesting my success and so far it’s been working.

Spiritually, I feel very good. I feel magick and source/God all around me, it’s been nice to connect this way. I’m happy to have the space to explore this. It really is such a gift. 

I’m trying to make amends with those I’ve lost or harmed. I added Ben on facebook. It’s been 5-6 years since we last spoke, he has never known me as Zen. I think he would be hip to the change and not deadname me. I mean, Sean did it with no questions asked!

I pray for clarity and pleasure.

I know that I’m creating what I need to, and I’m excited to perceive more birds this year through my art and my observation. I accept that I don’t know what will come next but I will do my best to make sure I’m prepared for it.

I love you. I’ll see you later.

[myspacedotcumdumpster]

December is almost over

I broke things off with that girl shortly after my last post and I did something hard: accept myself and heal.

I started parenting my inner child, nurturing and allowing myself the space to be: no expectations or scheduled emotions. 

I allowed myself to lose control and to be intimate with men. I sucked a dude from Philly’s dick in the work parking lot. He came on my boobs, the inaugural nut as I refer to it. I made out with a coworker hot but psycho Adam. fuck him, making smooch with him sucked. I was intimate with another coworker, Tony the libra. We went to walden pond and it was a nice serene bubble. We fucked thrice. I got nervous and broke it off with him, I didn’t want to shit where I ate. We are still friendly which is nice :) I met someone on Hinge named Cameron the Virgo. He and his partner of 5 years, they were on a break since June, broke up the morning of our first date in August. I love what we did when we did, and how we did it. In November he moved to NYC to find himself, I was his rebound. We haven’t spoken since, which hurts but it’s probably for the best. He was thoughtful and kind. I miss him and how he would look at me, and smile. He gave me the space to experience my orgasms and then would hold me after them, I would cry through them and then laugh. Our love was primal and pure. He smelled so damn good. For my birthday he brought me a cutting of his plant, my favorite type! Pathos. She has rooted in water and unfurled a leaf. I like her in water as opposed to soil. She is such a good friend and sits with me as I type this at my desk.

I am working at the ax bar still, I like it. My mural design got axed but I’m supposed to be making some other drafts. I need to bring myself to produce something. It’s hard when all you want to do is lie down. I was supposed to hang out with Derrick the Virgo tonight but we are both feeling crummy. He and I had one date the other week. The thing about time apart after first meeting someone, in my opinion, is very important. When I met Cameron we had our second interaction 12 days after. Derrick’s pheromones are nice, I smelled them, they weren’t wildly intoxicating but they were inviting. It’s hard to come back from a relationship like the one I experienced with Cameron because I can’t help but compare others to him. I felt so seen, heard, and honored. What a way to be loved. What a thing to lose. I have to do these things for me now, it’s hard because I can’t pull my own hair or spank myself the way someone else who respectfully disrespects me could. Derrick has expressed he’s a lil freak. Only time will tell how freaky.