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[mysteriousblu]

04.16.2024 - a text that shouldn't have been sent

I wonder...

Do you ever think of me? I do. I tend to text you when I think of you. It was something Alex taught me. He told me a good way to keep in touch with people was to text them whenever they pop in your head, even if it's a quick text.

I try to do that.

Text people when they pop in my head and remind them that I care and that I still think of them. 

So I wonder. 

Do you ever think of me? 

Or have I become an after thought, a someone you used to know and talk to and no longer has a place in your mind. 

My spot taken by another, when once I had a clear defined space. 

I wonder... 

[mysteriousblu]

04.16.2024

Hold my hand and guide me through the dark, sweaty crowd.

Reach out with a hand behind your back to check that I haven't been lost in the maze.

I'll walk a little faster to not lose your hand.

A sweet queer sapphic romance to never happen but our hands will forever remember the feeling of each other.

[mysteriousblu]

04.22.2024

I wonder how many doors am I unintentionally leaving open?

How many doors have a left open to leave the option to run?

How many easy escape routes have I left available to myself?

Too scared to close the doors,

Fear of my easy way out in case things go south or boredom sets in or the feet go cold 

I wonder how many doors am I intentionally leaving open?

Does he know? And would he be hurt if he knew?

He'd be disappointed and worried to find out these secret plans

He wouldn't know what to think or what to do. 

But just the sheer look in his eyes is enough to bring shame to me and shut all the doors. 

Is this a got of self sabotage?

How many doors have I left open? And how many have to close before notices the exit signs?

[mysteriousblu]

05.18.2024

Your words.

Seared into my skin the moment they met the air we shared

Your words.

The mark of them irreversibly burned to a crisp.

Your words.

A wound healed to the naked eye,

But I...

But I still feel it

I feel the raised skin where your words once laid.

The moment replays in my head and I can so clearly see the moment of realization when I knew nothing would ever be the same between us again.

Your words.

A wound where no mending would ever be able to reverse the effects you had on me.

Your words...

I still can hear them sizzling on my skin. 

[mysteriousblu]

"Sweet dreams" you say as we both lay in hotel beds in different cities with a phone connecting us both.

You say you miss me and that you promise to text the next time I pop in your head.

Do you pinky promise?

Do you pinky promise to remember me?

Do you pinky promise to not let me become a distant memory?

Do you pinky promise to treat me like I'm the only one again?

Can we flash back in time to the night where you asked about the strings attached to the offer of a hotel room and a festival?

What would've been if I had said this felt like a romance instead of avoiding the question?

What would've been of us? 

Do you pinky promise to not forget me again?

"Sweet dreams," let me hear you say it again. 

[mysteriousblu]

05.08.2024 - The Time Travelers Wife

Sometimes I feel like a time traveler.

Life stops at home for me as I leave you every time,

Yet continues for you.

Are you the time travelers wife in this case?

Do you wish our life wasn't the way it is?

Do you get tired of waiting around for me?

Do you sigh to yourself when you're left alone after I've vanished?

Do you eat alone and wish I was at the chair across from you?

Sometimes I feel like a time traveler.

Are you the time travelers wife?

[mysteriousblu]

04.15.2024 - inspired by "Conversations with friends" by Sally Rooney

conversations with friends.

because that's all we are right?

friends.

friends as you stand behind me with your lips near my ear, close enough to feel your warmth breath and send a chill down my spine.

friends.

friends as our feet play games underneath the table with your wife across from us as you casually drape an arm across the back of my chair with a cigaratte lit in the other.

friends. 

friends as we wait for everyone to go to sleep before i go down the stairs and straight to your room

friends.

friends as you close the door behind me and begin to undress me, eager to have me all to yourself again.

friends.

friends as you lay in bed with me with your wife alone in a room upstairs and our hidden moans soaked in the walls.

conversations with friends.

because that's all we are right?

friends. 

[mysteriousblu]

03.10.2024

Australia again.

But at least this time i didnt bring a boy with me.

[mysteriousblu]

01.18.2024 - nick fell in love

I saw a girl on the train today, 

And I fell in love.

Glasses similar to mine, with a style screaming "I'm effortlessly cool" and she probably is exactly that. 

5 stops till I get off,

I need to say something. 

What do I say to a stranger on a train? 

"Hey... do you know how to get to so and so station?"

4 stop till I get off,

I need to say something.

A paralyzing feeling hit me,

I'm Unable to move to her side of the train. 

3 stops till I get off,

I need to say something.

She'd never talk to someone like me, why try. 

2 stops till I get off,

I need to say something.

Our eyes meet and a gentle smile follows it, with a head tilt that feels inviting.

Do I dare?

1 stop till i get off,

I need to say something.

Someone like that couldn't be single,

Might as well save myself the heartbreak and say nothing.

This is my stop,

I haven't said anything to her.

The opportunity is lost;

If this is meant to be the universe will have us meet again and next time I won't make the same mistake. 

[mysteriousblu]

I wonder.

How vulnerable can I actually be without risking it all?

[mysteriousblu]

I think a part of me died after you.

The rejection hurt so much I had to cut off a part of myself to protect.

I can never tell if it'll rebuild itself or if it's forever gone.

But I can feel it.

I can feel a part of me gone.

The part of me that believed in devoted love.

I think a part of me died after you,

And I don't think I'll ever tell you how much you hurt me.

[mysteriousblu]

An apology.

I said I missed you, and you held me gently with my head against your chest. 

You held me in such a comforting way. I needed this a few years ago, where was this then?

You kissed my head and held on to me until you felt like I didn't need it anymore

Both arms extended on either side of my shoulders, looking at me like you always have with those eyes of yours.

My eyes stay calm but my heart is pounding.

I lean my forehead into his and we share a deep breath and then a kiss. 

A kiss. A kiss. And another kiss.

We run off hand in hand in hopes of exploring this newly unlocked side of each other. 

"Wake up."

None of it is real. Always a dream and that's all it will ever be. 

My heart still breaks a little every time you appear in my dreams.

[mysteriousblu]

01.05.2024

i've orchestrated beautifully written and tragic love stories in my head for years,

but i'd never be able to write one quite like ours.

because ours has a happy ending.

[mysteriousblu]

01.05.2024

found an old video of us.

june 2021.

i broke up with you later that same year in November.

we looked so in love.

we twirled around in a museum.

you held me and placed my head under your chin.

you kissed my forehead and i can imagine that i closed my eyes.

this was one of our picture perfect moments;

where after seeing us like that you'd never imagine either of us unhappy.

june 2021.

i wonder if i was still in love with you.

[mysteriousblu]

12.15.2023

I find myself asking questions I shouldn't.

What about her is different from me?

Do you love her?

What does she have that I don't? 

Why did you never love me?

Did you ever want to touch me?

Why did you never want to touch me?

What does she have that I don't?

What about her is special?

Is she special in the same ways you told me I was?

[mysteriousblu]

01.04.2025 - Happy New Year to me.

Life feels weird lately.

I'm uneasy in stillness that I have not actively chosen.

I need the anxiety for reasons I have actively chosen, not a punishing anxiety making the smallest of tasks feel impossible.

I'm uneasy in stillness despite telling others to enjoy the moments in between and to not always feel so rushed to move along.

Does this make me hypocrite? A word I've feared for so long, am I actually what they called me all those years ago?

Why do I struggle to listen to the advice I myself tell others?

Why do I struggle to enjoy the quiet?

Life feels weird lately.

[mysteriousblu]

11.05.2023

i regret all the times I bit my tongue and stayed quiet

i should've let go and let my words be free

i should've told you i loved you and that i felt like we deserved each other 

i regret all the times i bit my tongue and stayed quiet 

i should've stood up for myself more and stood my ground

i regret all the times i bit my tongue and stayed quiet 

i should've never held on to my chest and cried in the other room quietly

i regret all the times i bit my tongue and stayed quiet 

i should've protected my heart sooner and not let you sleep in my bed

i regret all the times i bit my tongue and stayed quiet 

i shouldn't have let my heart experience so much pain...

i regret all the times i bit my tongue and stayed quiet.