mysticalshiningpixiedust-blog - Tumblr blog

[mysticalshiningpixiedust-blog]

I have feelings for you. I care for you. I think of you many times through out the day and night. I dont act on my feelings because I dont want to do anything that would jeapordize how we interact now. Im afraid. I am perfectly content knowing you are okay. I want you to be happy. I want you for me.... But i know i am not the right one for you... We are in diffrent stages of our lives... Our age diffrence is 10 is not a problem for me...but life expierence is.... Ive had my family and enjoying my life as a mom of older kids. . you however, are still at an age , if you chose to do so, coyld meet the right woman, get married, and start a family. As much as i want you for myself.. I dont want you to miss out on all the joy of having your own kids. I know we have talked... And i think we might of had a conversation or two about this... And im sure you said you might want kids.. If that is not true... If you have no desire to be a father... I would like you to know that I have feelings for you . i miss you when you are gone and i look forward to seeing you at work... And yes ive wanted many times to find myself in a situation where we could be alone. Ive had to avoid that because i dont trust myself. I have a very vivid imagination, and would probably make you blush if i told you what i wanted to do to you.

So i struggle every day with trying not look at you as anything but my friend... I dont want to interfere or takeva chance on losing what we have now. I love talking to you. I look forward to hearing about what makes you happy...you get a sparkle in your eyes when you talk about things you love... Its cute. The way you smile makes me smile.. Ive got to stop... Anyway i got this off my chest .. Now im just looking forward to you returning home from Paris. You havent even left yet... And i already miss you. Please come hone safe.

[mysticalshiningpixiedust-blog]

My mind is going to explode if i keep this inside any longer.

Im a woman in my early 50's and

I was married for 20 yrs and have had a couple of relationships in the last 10yrs. My history with men has been a learning expierience.

The last guy i dated really broke me down emotionally...i doubted myself and lost all of my confidence... So i made the desicion to not date anymore. I needed to figure out why I lose myself in relationships and why I am attracked to the wrong men.

A time out to reflect on what went wrong was needed.

In the past 3 yrs I have been on a journey to find my true self. I have peeled back layers of emotion and relived some of the pain i had supressed for decades. I have done a sort of cleansing of my soul. I am trying to expose the pain so i can heal the wounds of my heart. I figure in order to move forward, i need to let go of the things that weigh me down emotionally.

I will admit its not easy to look at yourself when your darkest fears and the raw emotions of your heart are exspossed. Even if its only you, who is seeing it.

So during this transformation i have

not been intamite with anyone. That is my choice... Although i didnt realize it was going to be for this long.. I have longed for human touch. Ive cryed tears of lonliness. I have cried tears of joy. Hell, I have cried for everything.

I think its important that you know I have a roommate that i live with. So im not completly by myself. I do interact with people on a daily basis but not in an intimately.

I admit that im still learning things but i have come a long way. Now here is what is what i need to get out ..... During this 3 yrs I have talked to a co worker on a regular basis. I have told him things i thought things that i felt..at diffrent times in my journey... I feel that my truths are safe with him... He tells me things too. Crushes he has on girls. Etc . we actually share way to much in that since. I dont know when or how it started but everyday when we see each other we hug. This is not unusual for me because i am a hugger. I get hugs from many people. Somehow, i have allowed myself to have feelings for this guy. Im not sure how to express what kind of feelings they are. I try to convince myself that its no big deal...but i have a crush on him....i cant think Of any one thing that changed or when my feelings changed. I truelly dont know

How this happened.