mytarotpractice

[mytarotpractice]

What in fuck do I do with this?

Well, this is kind of a shit situation. My husband (yes. I have a husband and a boyfriend. They both know about each other and it’s ok) has put me in a serious bind. I don’t know what to do in this situation but my inclination is to leave. I really want to move out but I’m going to not make a rash decision.  

I asked the cards to help me understand. I did a simple 3-card spread. Card one was me, card 2 was Husband, and card 3 is what can be gained from the overall situation. 

Me = Hierophant. This indicates seeking knowledge and wisdom. Which, yeah...I am. I do. Regarding this situation, I am not sure how to manage my internal values against what may be reasonable, logical, in the overall best interest of our marriage, etc. 

Husband = X of Swords. Ruin, melodrama, rock bottom. Well, yes, this makes sense given his recent actions. I don’t understand the underlying cause of these actions. I’m disappointed by them and they fundamentally change how I view him.  The problem is that I don’t know where they’re coming from and I can’t help but think if I maybe understood better then I might have a softer approach to dealing with this.  Maybe not. 

What can be gained from the overall situation = Strength. Maybe strength for both of us. Maybe just strength for me, since this is my reading. I’m hoping that it will be strength for both of us and not just me. 

I asked the deck for clarification on our individual cards because I wanted to understand better the context in which these cards were meant. 

Clarification of Hierophant = II of Pentacles. This is change. This is the inevitable presence of change. Within the book’s explanation of this card, it mentions balance. Earthly possessions are the realm of pentacles and it suggests a new job, financial situation, or MOVE. “Even if you fear this change, it needs to happen and might even be fun. Face it with grace.” That’s sad because all I can think about since this thing happened with Husband is moving out. I can’t move until I get financial aid. Even then, separating our finances wouldn’t be easy.  

Clarification of X of Swords = X of Pentacles in reverse. Typically I don’t read reversed cards because I find them to be somewhat cryptic. However, in this case, I think it makes sense that the cause of his ruin/rock bottom could just be an overall feeling of emptiness in every area. I know he gets concerned about finances very easily and our financial outlook at the moment is very uncertain. I don’t know when I’ll get financial aid. This uncertainty might be causing him incredible stress. However, we all are faced with incredible stress and I don’t know if this makes his actions justifiable. 

[mytarotpractice]

Daily Card: The World

I asked my deck a couple of days ago if it was mad at me. It kept giving me cards that weren’t related to my questions. It kept giving me terribly ominous warnings. I thought it was pissed that I didn’t take its advice to break up with Brandon. 

In response to my concern, it told me that it loved me by giving me the II of Cups and that it was concerned about me by giving me a card signifying worry, I can’t recall exactly - maybe V of Swords? 

After that, the readings have been back to being helpful and useful. So here’s what i need to know for today according to my deck. 

Completion and wholeness: it’s here. I have it already. I need to realize it and appreciate it because all of the searching is just making me stressed and unhappy. Be happy about my relationships - they are whole. They are complete and they are there for me. Be happy about my career - it’s there, it’s happening. 

Just fight discontent all around because everything I need is already here. I am already whole. 

[mytarotpractice]

Daily Card: Something Good Please

I asked the deck what I have to look forward to today. That I needed to hear something good after all of the difficulty of the last week.  I finally did talk to my boyfriend and we are going to discuss the future of our relationship on Friday. I hurt his feelings pretty badly, and I’m a Sagittarius sun with an Aries moon, so I know I can do that when I’m hurt (though it’s never intentional). 

But for now, I need to focus on something not so hard. I start school today and this is the card that my deck gave me. 

The keywords for the magician are empowerment and action.  It says that I have the power of all four of the elements within my reach. This card is about action. I have this to look forward to, at least today. Maybe for the next few days, as I get into the swing of school, as I sort out things with my boyfriend, as I establish a new routine.  

I love the energy that this is giving me for the day. I really feel like my tarot deck gets me. 

[mytarotpractice]

3-Card Spread: What to do now?

It’s been 3 days and I still haven’t had a conversation with my boyfriend (not boyfriend?) about what happened.  I cry multiple times daily. I just want to have a conversation and resolve this. I’m trying really hard to think about what I should do.  So, I asked for some advice from my cards this morning and I’m crushed by what they gave me. 

From left to right: Situation, Obstacle, Advice.

Situation: VIII of Cups is not happy. The guidebook is so incredibly clear about this. Pack my bags and move on, because there is nothing good left for me here it says.  I burst into tears upon reading that. 

Obstacle: Ace of Cups has a keyword of “Love’s beginning”; it’s telling me that new love is on the way and to enjoy that and go with it. If that’s true, that’s definitely an obstacle because I’m still very much battling with my feelings for my current boyfriend.  

Advice: VII of Cups is telling me that there are other fish in the sea.  That I shouldn’t settle.

Here’s what I want this to mean. The situation is that we are on the cusp of a breakup. The obstacle is renewing our love - working things out, filling our cup back up after it being empty.  The advice is not to settle in this relationship. To insist that it be up to my standard and to make it something fulfilling for us both. 

The reality of what this is telling me may be much, much different. I really am holding onto hope here, but I’m getting absolutely no feedback from him so that might be something to pay attention to. 

[mytarotpractice]

Single Card: Happy New Year

Happy New Year.  I guess. I’m still in a bit of agony over my relationship situation. To start my practice this morning I just asked the tarot to show me something I needed to know for today.  I’m emotionally raw and I didn’t really feel like I had the emotional energy to ask a specific question, at least not to start.

This was a lovely card to receive. The IV of Wands has keywords of completion and celebration.  Saying that my labors have been steady and strong and that my harvest will be plentiful.  That’s a true story if I ever heard one.  2018 closed with a lot of hard work coming to fruition.  It’s telling me to focus on all of the good things that have manifested, and there are plenty.  This is good to be reminded of because I’m definitely hurting right now.  

[mytarotpractice]

Clarity Spread: I’m hurt AF.

What in fuck. I had the hardest night with my boyfriend last night.  It’s too much to go into right now, plus I’m all hurty and fucked up from it. The gist is that I love the fuck out of him and he can be thoughtless and selfish.  Don’t get me wrong, he’s not all bad. None of us are.  But I’ve been trying to work with him on meeting my needs and desires and I just feel like it’s all such a waste.

Here’s what my Wild Unknown Tarot (which has his same birth day and state, btw) had when I asked for clarity on this situation:

The overall situation: V of Swords

Contributing factors: VII of Swords, III of Swords, Son of Swords.

Ok first off...fucking hell. Swords represent the air element and my man is a Libra.

So, the V of Swords has a general reading of “this is fucked.” Maybe not doomed, but certainly fucked. The guidebook has the key word “Self-Destruction” associated with this card. Other notable quotes from the guidebook include: warning, “you know to avoid,” pain and discord.  Okay...fuck...I get it.

It pisses me off that I also go the VII of Swords. “Secrecy, self-interest” are the keywords in the guidebook for this one. Great. Fucking great. See, I hate that I got this card because I KNOW there is secrecy and self-interest in our relationship. In fact, a big issue for me is past secrecy and current displays of self-interest. Yes, tarot, I fucking know that my man is secretive.

III of Swords further reiterates the theme of suckage. “Betrayal, heartbreak, turmoil” are the keywords. “There will be emotional entanglement and confusion.” Yeah, no shit.

Finally, the Son of Swords appears to remind me that “working with this stimulating and exhausting young man can prove to be a challenge.” Well if that isn’t my boyfriend then I don’t know what is.

Interpretation: I know that he and I are at a crossroads. After a lot of, shall we say, expressing my pain last night, he texted me today with an apology and an offer. I’m actually going to type it all out here because I want to be able to refer back to this if necessary depending on how this relationship pans out in the next few days.

“Hey K - I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said last night.  You don’t deserve the kind of anguish I’ve put you through.  If I knew that I was doing that, I wouldn’t have.  I think that we sometimes misunderstand each other’s intent and that becomes a sore spot over time.

I don’t want to stress you out or be a distraction to you before you start school.  I have always cared about you very much and thought that you are super attractive, intelligent, caring, wise, respectful, fun, and exciting.  I don’t want to be a detractor in anyone’s life, more especially, someone who I care about deeply.

But if you want out, and it sounds like you do, I want this to end in a way that we can continue to be friends without harboring bad feelings.”

I see the V of Swords as a warning, like the guidebook says. I don’t think it’s necessarily a death sentence for our relationship. I think the earthworm is a very interesting animal choice for this card. If cut in half, depending on where on the worm’s body, the “tail” of the worm will die (because it lacks vital organs etc) but the side of the body containing the head and heart will survive and regenerate.  If this is to represent our relationship - then it’s certainly experienced a trauma (due to self-interest, secrecy, betrayal...).  It’s survival is unknown at this time, but it may be possible.  

If the worm is to represent ME,  which is sort of a stretch I think because my understanding is that Minor Arcana cards aren’t really meant to represent PEOPLE, per se. Anyway...fuck...if it’s supposed to represent me, then it’s doing a damn fine job of representing how I feel at present.  I literally wailed last night. I’m hoarse today from how hard I was crying. (Thank GOD I waited to make that kind of display until I was alone) . I feel like there are so many swords attacking my livelihood in this relationship that I was bound to be chopping in half by one of them.

All of the contributing factors that came up I can tie to specific moments in our relationship, and I kind of hate that. But, maybe it’s just serving to remind me of the reality of this thing. That it’s been painful.  Right now, all of the pain I’m feeling IS coming from somewhere. It’s not just something I’m creating in my mind.

I guess right now my next step is to evaluate and decide if moving forward with this relationship is in my best interest or if I should take him up on his offer to split and try and remain friends.

I’m going to pull an oracle card from my Santa Muerte Oracle deck to try and see if there’s any advice from the dead. I’m hesitant to try and ask for anything specific, so I think I’m just going to see what the deck wants me to know.

Ahhhh feck. Fuck you, oracle deck. Not really, but kind of.  This is the final card in the deck.  It’s showing that something is concluding and a new beginning is coming.  It reminds us that everything has an end date and Santa Muerte “lovingly holds our hand” as we enter the realm of rebirth. The advice from the dead for this card is: “Make a firm decision on what to cut and what to change in your life, otherwise no betterment will be possible.”

I don’t know if I want to believe that this reading is telling me to end my relationship.  Maybe if someone else was reading my cards that is what they may say.  What I know is that there’s no denying that something has to change.  I think we have definitely come to a fork in the road.  I love him and I don’t think he’s a bad person.  I hope we can talk and come to a good mutual understanding.