mythoughtdumpanddiary

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

i covered a shift at vivo today and daryl came in in the evening w his mom and younger siblings. I thought he looked familiar while i was topping up. I kept wondering whether it’s him, then after he was done topping up, i decided to ask him whether his name was daryl by any chance, he said yeah and i said were you in cvps and he said yeah and i told him that I recognized him bc he was the head prefect and he asked me which class i was in and i said 6-3 and he said ohh you know sunny then and i said yeah.

half an hour later, he came to redeem ben and jerry’s ice cream and i helped him do it, and he said “so you’re working here part time for the holidays?” And i said “yeah for a month. Are you working anywhere?” And he said “nope I’ve been busy with competitions” and i said “ooo golf?” And he said “yeah” And i said “i used to be a prefect too actually but we never talked but i saw you around” And he was gonna say “what’s your name?” Then saw my nametag and his eyes widened bc i think he recognized me. I said “you recognize me?” And he said “yeah i saw you around too” and i smiled at him and he said that “everyone’s changed alot” and i said “yeah haha you still look kinda similar though, since i could recognize you after 4 years“ and he nodded and chuckled and then i was done scanning his icecream and passed it back to him and he said “okay have a good holidays” and i said “you too” and i waved bye to him and then he left

it made me lowkey SO happy when he said he remembered me and saw me around. After a whole four years. Wow. i feel honored. what makes it a bigger deal is the fact that he was the head prefect and was lowkey popular bc of that and golf

this made me really happy

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

hi ! it is 2022. 2:02am on 2022. wow. im actually kinda hopeful towards this year. ive got plans for self growth. Ive been feeling better the past couple of days. today i felt really energised when i woke up. i havent felt this way in weeks/months. i think it was because of the meditation i did last night. it made me feel that i had found myself again. my skin looked better today. i am so grateful. i think it’s because of the niaminacide the ordinary serum ive been using the past 4 days. ive seen results so quick. i went out to bugis w mom today to exchange some of the clothings. i almost teared up at the store bc of how overstimulated i felt by not being able to fit well into their skirts. but we got a dress instead and that fitted much better, so i felt better. afterwards, we went to kfc to eat before my timezone work shift. after eating, when i was walking to the toilet to change into the uniform, i felt like i had eaten too much and i felt so regretful. my stomach felt as if it had visibly gained fats. even tho i hadn’t even eaten alot. the feeling went away in a while tho, as i busied myself w work. udhaya was nicer today and he sometimes laughed at things i said in conversations w vijay. i hope we can be friends. things were relatively less awkward w logesh too, compared to the previous times. we talked while walking out of timezone after closing.

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

been feeling kinda lost and sad the past few days but today was better. I finished watching the first twilight movie that i had started yesterday, and then watched the second one. Mom helped me to dye my hair burgundy at the front (It didn’t work out so she said we can try again t morning). Zayn and i went out to the park. I did a finding your spiritual guide guided meditation at night. I imagined the head fairy from tinkerbell. As silly as that sounds. I imagined her kinda as a motherly figure and telling me that i can achieve my goals and just have to put in all my effort into them and believe in myself. It made me tear up ngl. It is now 2.35am and im going to bed. Having a good day after so long makes me feel more hopeful for 2022. Today’s the first day of me not listening to all too well by taylor. Ive been listening to it 1-3 times daily for the past 1 week, simply because of how heartbreakingly poetic the lyrics are. I love imagining myself being hurt by a hypo Jake Gyllenhall. But today’s the first day of me not doing that. And i think that’s progress.

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

i made a mistake while cashiering today and mixed up two people’s cards and yuva and vijay had to come out to sort it out. after they did, while walking away, and vijay said “im gonna kill you.” he obviously meant it in a half joking tone, but it made me cry after he went because it made me feel that all i do is mess up things. Mom used to say the same thing so many times, and she still does sometimes, and I suppose him saying that reminded me of her saying the same thing. i silently cried standing at the cashier. nobody was there. i stopped when some customers came.

and after closing, we all were in the office and even though im present, vijai, yuva, and udhaya still talk in tamil. it makes me feel so left out. i want to talk to them. i wish they would be more inclusive.

Walking back to the mrt, i felt really sad. Lately, I’ve been feeling alone, even though i have friends. Well i guess they’re not super close. I miss the friend i had in logesh. firas saw me today while i was walking to timezone for my shift. He said hi, but i was listening to music so it took me a second to mentally process who he was. he said he had come there to watch spiderman w his family. I asked who he had watched it w the last time he had watched the movie. And he said w his gf. I didnr even know he had a gf. I was lowkey disappointed ngl. he was really funny. I said bye after a few secs and left.

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

I texted logesh yesterday saying that im changing my whatsapp pfp that we were matching. She said she was okay with it. After i changed it, she changed her profile pic to a selfie and her bio to “generic whatsapp bios? nah im probably binging netflix rn or staring at john or some girl so byebye”. She’s such a whore (disrespectfully), boasting about “staring at some girl” just one week after our break. i still hadnt changed our matching bio so i texted her saying that she changed hers, and she apologized and said that she shouldnt have assumed that i changed mine. She said she’ll change it back, but I didn’t want to anymore, ao i told her not to. She then texted me saying that she needed to talk to me about something in person. I could tell it was about what aruna had told her, about breaking up, so i said is ”is it about what aruna said? I agree anyways”. Yeah then she just talked about how we’re better as friends. She makes it sound like she’s friendzoning me when IM the one who doesn’t like her lmao and not the other way round. She’s so dumb. I know how her mind works, she’s trying to break up w me first simply to avoid being dumped by me. She is doing it as a way to seek control. I don’t care much anyways. I’ve lost feelings since months.

Anyways omg today i met this rlly nice guy. They needed manpower at the compass one outlet so two days ago, my manager asked in the city square timezone gc whether anyone could work there today, and i said i could. So today i went there. And there was alrd a guy there. And sunce it’s a rlly small outlet, rhere were significantly lesser customers than city square. So i was talking to the other guy like 98% of the time. He was so nice. Yk those kinda people who are funny but in a sarcastic subtle way?? Yeah he was like that. Whenever i was talking to him, i kept noticing i automatically kept smiling under my mask, and i felt like a fool because my eyes were probably showing me smiling 24/7 infront of him.

Anyways he was rlly nice. And i kept like making fun of little things he did. At the start, he was trying to tie a balloon and he instead got it stuck around his finger and the balloon broke, and i teased him abt not being able to tie a balloon. And then i offered to tie the balloons, but when i was tying them, they kept slipping away and blowing away so all the air would come out. And then he made fun of me for that, cause it happened like 2-3 times.

Then he made a human balloon figure and i made a animal shaped balloon. And previously he had told me that he had a cat, so i told him that the human was him and the animal was hit cat. Then i used a marker to write their names on the balloons. He then was doing some weird thing idk what it was but he was putting one of the human’s legs in the space between the animal’s head. It kinda reminded me of heterosexual copulation? So anyways then i took it from him and instead made the human sit on top of animal. Kinda like how humans sit on horses. Then he made a balloon sword and i put it beside the human. And he said “that looks very wrong”. And i said “how does that look wrong?? You literally were putting the human inside the cat”. Then he casually goes “so you _do_ have a dirty mind”. Needless to say i was extremely flustered and said “you were the one who did that 🙄”

Then we were just talking abt random things like movies, and etc.

Thennnn, at 4.55pm, he was about to leave and told me “haha im leaving in five minutes. Have fun being alone witj no customers” and i said “you’re leaving already??” And he said “yeah. You sound upset (he said this in a teasing mocking way)” and then i said “yeah, you’re fun to talk to”. Then he said “what, sorry i didnt hear you?” (Again in that teasing sarcastic voice yk that ppl use to make u repeat something u said even tho they heard u). And then i had to repeat it, simply bc he wanted to hear himself being complimented again 😭

This took me a whole ten minutes to type and it doesnt even type as exciting when i narrate it, but i swear, it felt so fun in first person.

And yk how sometimes ppl laugh silently behind their masks? He did that alot and it was so nice/cute. And yk how sometimes certain ppl are looking at u with a certain specific look in their eye and it makes u feel self conscious (but in w good way cause they’re not staring at u in a judgy way yk?) but u stare back anyway. So it’s like a lowkey staring competition except he simply wasnt looking away???? And then i had to keep look away

Yeah anyways that’s the end of today’s episode of “do i like him or am I simply over romanticizing every actuon bc of the attention i need from a man?” 😩

Bye 😝😝😝

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

my mom just told me that nani had told her that my hair made me look like a “हीजड़े.” when i asked the reason, she said that those people often do attention seeking things and get piercings like how i got the ear cuffs two days ago. and this is AFTER nani had told me on video call that it looked nice. i cant believe she’s so fake. as if having my hair red and getting ear cuffs makes me attention seeking or trans???? then i was talking about how she’s so prejudiced bc she has also said before that i ”dress like a muslim” when i wear full pants. mf??? and then she just got pissed at me. then she also said how I didnt tell her when i got my first salary (even tho i had told her the date i was gna get it). and the reason i didnt tell her was bc i didnt think she cared about it. but she just said that it was “basic courtesy”. okay well i didnt know I was supposed to tell you?? and then she said how i spent sm on zayns bday gifts (even tho i spent less than $50) and that since im working, i should know the value of money. i told her that i did know. and she just said instead of gifts i shd spend time w him bc he doesnt need gifts. even tho i spend the most time w him and he’s the closest to me??

Ive been crying for thirty minutes, and now im in the train otw to work and im still crying. it hurts so much to never be enough for her and always being put down for things that i like

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

saw this tikok twenty minutes ago, and i didn’t realise how much i related until i read the comments. Here’s some:

- “Bro I feel like I’m just a little stepstool for them to have some experience then move on or smth 💀”

- “I’m like a side character whose just there to push them forward”

- “it seems like romantic relationships they've always just ended up drifting away slowly:> so I've become dependant on romance which is so unhealthy” 

- “I feel like I’m a catalyst for other people to grow and evolve, whilst I stay in place and then be made absent.. it’s a viscous and tiring cycle” 

- “im a transitional person, because everyone else changes, but i don’t. i get to watch them outgrow me, and i can’t be mad, bc im the one w/o momentum”

and now i realise this is how i feel logesh and i’s relationship. i think it makes me sad to see her tumblr posts of her learning to be confident on her own, because in the relationship, she often relied on me, and i helped her learn how to heal. and now she’s doing it on her own. and instead of feeling proud, i feel used. it makes me feel that she would never have gotten to this point without me. and how can she just not acknolodge all i’ve done for her, and instead make it seem like she did it all by herself?

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

zayn is two !!! i love that kid. i got him a walking toy puppy, bubbles, and a car, and he loved them. yesterday night, mom made a cake for him and he was excited while cutting it at midnight. papa didn’t wanna wake up for his birthday and mom and i were annoyed at him for that. im still pissed at him about that. i havent talked to him today.

yesterday i dyed my hair. i was honeslty quite happy with it, until i came home and mom started critisizing me about it, saying that it was too bright, and that it’s supposed to be subtle like in the pinterest picture i had showed her. honestly i didnt even realise that it didnt look like that. anyways, she told me to text them and ask them to fix them, and i did, and they gave me an appt for 20th dec (in three days) at 11am. when i dyed my hair yesterday, i didnt expect it to be so expenive. they gave me a graduate student so it was $68 instead of $45 like their website said the price for trainee students. and i had to bleach it which was $68 too. so in total, i paid like $136 from my bank account. man i felt so guilty. but i just told myself that it’s not like im gonna be doing it very often. and that i’ll work even harder and earn it all back.

also, ive been getting into manifestation by watching simone’s videos. they make me feel alot better, and more confident. ill update my progress

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

it is day 1 after our break. I have been crying alot throughout the day. I know I’m the one who initiated it, but i didn’t have a choice. I’ve been getting agitated at alot of minor things in front of mom because I’m so stressed with my rs, money, and my weight. mom said i was crying way too much because yesterday i was crying over having to eat when she was giving me lunch for work and today i was crying over her saying some mean stuff to me which I can’t even remember atm. she got mad at me and i said some stuff and that made her more mad and she told me to not talk to her and that it’s better when I’m at work. I then went to my room and cried for thirty minutes while listening to music.

in the evening, i went to waterway point by bus because I didn’t want to be at home and it was raining so i couldn’t go for a run either. i took the bus and went there. i was listening to my sad love playlist on the bus and it made me sad. while walking in the mall, with the music, i felt like a main character who is slowly walking in a movie because they are heartbroken. not me romanticizing my life by imagining what i appear like to others lol. im pretty certain im controlling my food and being so nitpicky because of all the stress. when arguing, mom asked why im being so agitated, i told her i was stressed with many things and she taunted me for it saying that wow you’re so old you’ve got sm stress.

when i was ironing my shirt to wear to wwp, mom said to seek therapy if im having depression again. And i said back in an agitated tone, that im not depressed. And she said that all the symptoms are the same as the ones i used to have. I stood there silently and it made me tear up as it hit me that i was acting how i used to. I just continued ironing with my head down so she wouldnt see me tearing up. later on at night, i was texting logesh and she told me that she had talked to kaisah and shruthi about our break because she needed to talk things out, and they both (+aruna) suggested her to break up w me. which honestly disappointed me. it makes me look like the bad guy here. she told me she’s not gonna do it because it’s at least worth to give the break a shot, and im glad she’s not listening to their advice.

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

after a week long of contemplating my feelings and thoughts, i decided to write her a break up letter today and left it in her locker at the end of my shift today at work. she responded via text and wrote “dear pari,

dude thank you for writing this. i missed you so much. not as a girlfriend but as my best friend. i told myself the day we started dating that even if we don’t work out as girlfriends but that i would still love you as my best friend. and nothing can change that. i have to go because i have to eat but you’ll always be my twin brain

and i can’t lie and say i wasn’t angry or anything. but everytime i saw something and was like ‘i wanna send this to pari’, or i wanna talk to pari just killed me

i missed talking to you everyday. i missed doing stuff with you. and i really hope we can still be best friends.

and also im sorry for avoiding you at work and stuff and i won’t do it anymore”

she also thanked me for writing the letter and said it gave her closure in the right way and that it made her realise she doesnt need to be scared or sad or angry. and then proceeded to fill me in with all the things she had wanted to tell me. i actually feel much better now. I’m so glad that she didn’t take me in the wrong way or start blaming herself too much. I’m happy she still wants to be friends with me, and it made me smike when i read that text from her saying that.

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

a break up seems inevitable

it has only gotten more awkward lately. on the 2nd of dec, we both did closing shifts together and i barely talked to her at all unless it was about work. when we walked out of timezone together, we just made small talk.

she kept an envelope in my locker and said it was for our 8th month anniversary (which was on the next day, but i wasn’t working on the 3rd, which is why she passed it on the 2nd). i opened it when i got home, and she wrote alotta appreciation messages in the letter and said that she’s been worried about whether i’m losing feelings, and that i should tell her if i am. she also wrote that she doesn’t think she’ll ever stop loving me in a romantic way. 

yesterday, on the 5th of dec, i came in at 16:30, and she was ending at 18:30 so we had 2 hours in common between our shifts, and we did not even say a single word in the middle. usually she says hello, but she didn’t this time. which i don’t blame her for either, since i’ve been acting distant. 

she mentioned in her recent tumblr post that she played out the worst scenario in her mind, and she realises that she’ll be fine. she also mentioned that she’s been having more confidence and is getting back to the sec 2 version of her, before her burnout. it makes me feel bad to realise that reading those posts made me feel sad, instead of happy for her, because i saw how fast she can move on. does it make me a bad person to not want her near me, but also not want her to be happy and with someone else?

anyways, i’ve been researching on reddit about relationships, and they make me feel that i indeed should break up with her. it isn’t normal to feel so put off and irritated around her. i’m thinking of writing her a letter and saying it all in there. i just have to figure out how to phrase it. and hope that i won’t regret it once she’s gone.

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

it’s slightly better now because she apologized for calling me hurtful on that day when we went to vivocity for interviews. yesterday, we decided to play at timezone so she came over during my break at 14:30 and we played air hockey, basketball and the car racing game. it was her first time at timezone. it felt less awkward compared to the past few weeks, as i was feeling more excited too.

i’ve been talking to mom about dying my hair or getting a piercing since the past 3 days, and initially i was planning to do it using the box dye since salons go up to $100+, but mom told me to research on the salon kaisah was going to for her highlights, but it was $150+ so i searched for cheaper alternatives and found a hair school which does it for a range of $25-$45 only. it is located at marina square, which is where i used to go for tuition. i booked an appointment for 16 december. it took a lot of persistent convincing for mom to allow me to go, but she let me go in the end, for which i’m grateful, since 2 days ago, she said i can’t do either my hair or piercing because she thought that i only wanted to do it because my friends are doing it. i was looking at hair inspos on pinterest the whole evening and decided i liked red and black the best. so i think i’ll be asking for that. it looks like the picture attached above ^

[mythoughtdumpanddiary]

relationships

shawn and camila broke up yesterday and it’s making me sad today as i was looking at their pictures on twitter. they were like a power couple. and they broke up after 2 years because their relationship started feeling “stale”. 

watching shawn walk so slowly on the street made me feel sad because he seemed so sad, as if he was contemplating life. he’s loved her for years. poor him :( 

it’s making me wonder if my relationship is gonna last. shawn has been crazy about camila for YEARS before they even started dating, and they broke up. right now, it doesn’t seem like my relationship with my gf is strong enough to withstand what we’ve been going through lately. 

i know i should be putting more effort into my relationship, but i can’t seem to be able to. i don’t know if it’s because i’m too tired to try again and again, or if it’s something else. i still do like her. maybe in a platonic way, maybe in a romantic way, i don’t even know myself. i don’t even know what i’m upset about. i know she’s trying to work on herself, and i’m doing my best to be supportive by offering advice, so what am i upset about? am i upset at myself and projecting it onto her, or am i upset at her? so many questions, to which i can’t seem to find the answers to