mythoughtsaboutfinley

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

Ok I had to talk tonight because of this past weekend. I was ranting on and on to myself at 12:45 am and then figured WRITE THIS SHIT DOWN!!! This is the stuff I want to look back on and remember how much I love that you’re in my life.

This past weekend, we went to Georgia and hung out with our friends! It was so so fun and I don’t want to ever forget the experience that all of you gave me. I’m just so grateful for those 2 nights 🥰🥰

But what I really want to focus on is how you made me feel when we were sitting at the island, talking with our friends and laughing and joking. You had your arm around me and you were rubbing my shoulder with your thumb. I was watching you stroke my shoulder and I couldn’t help but get butterflies in my stomach. I was smiling, like a schoolgirl in love and I turned to look at you while you were talking to one of our friends. And I looked around the room after that. One friend talking to you, the other standing between the sink and the island, laughing and taking a sip of their drink. Our other 2 friends, the other couple, cuddling and laughing while also having sips from their cups. It was a perfect moment that I want to remember forever.

Us playing Twister, watching Get Out, going around the pasture and driving around the cows. It was all just the perfect weekend and I’m so happy we were doing it together.

And of course, tomorrow, we’re off to Epcot! It’ll be cold and rainy and I’m not too too thrilled about it, but since I’ll be there with you, I suppose I’ll manage somehow. 💙

I love you so much, my fert. You’re my reason to exist and I can’t wait to spend our lives together 💍💙💚💍

Love, your fox💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

Uhhh...sooo...that last post was...wow... That was an anger that I never want to feel again. That will NEVER be shown to you cuz I don’t want you to ever see just how disgusting I was being. Reading that almost 3 years later, made me tear up.

I would never say those things to you now and I can’t believe I even thought them about you then. You aren’t evil. You aren’t any of the things I said. You’re my best friend and my partner and I love you. You’re the best thing that’s happened to me.

That was legitimate rage and my head was clouded by an anger I haven’t felt since then. I hated rereading that.

So much has changed in these almost 3 years tho. After all that, we eventually started talking again in late August. You were over Jerrod enough by then even though that asshat still lives in your mind to this day.

By January 2019, we moved into a house together! With other people of course but still! It was the first time we lived under the same roof and that was definitely at trial of our friendship lol

In late March 2019, we got a puppy. Her name is Anna and she’s the light of our lives. For most of 2019, things were pretty good. My feelings for you started coming back a bit but just living with you was enough at that point. I got to see you just about every day and say goodnight to you in person, when you wanted me to, and I got to wake you up and we would go to universal all the time. It was great.

But then we had to start coming up with our plans for the future. We we’re gonna move to possibly New York just the 2 of us but then we found friends that wanted to join. Those friends fell through hard and we had our own drama with them and that but we decided to move back in with my mom til June 2020. Buuuut, a few months into living there, a pandemic happened. Like, a literal global pandemic that halted the entire world. And because of that, going out and traveling and working certain jobs even, wasn’t safe. We were laid off from our job working at a movie theater in March 2020 and have been living at my mom’s house since. With no job, no outside social life and a LOT of time to figure things out.

So now, in mid April 2021, we’re still at my mom’s but we’re making plans. Now that we’ve been partly vaccinated. But we also..well..have become a couple! In December 2020, we decided to finally go for it. And aaaahhhhh ☺️☺️☺️🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰💕💕💕💕✨✨✨✨✨💚💚💚💚💙💙💙💙💙

You’re absolutely my favorite person ever. And I love you so fucking much. And calling you love and you giving me kisses and us starting a little family it’s all just 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

I love you so much. I will be good to you. I promise. I won’t ever let you feel the way HE made you feel. The way any of them ever made you feel. I love you, my Finley.

Oh yeah, and you’ve come out once again! You’re bigender, falling into the non-binary category and ugh. I just.. I love you. So much. You have changed your name to Finley also and it suits you so much!! My family and your family still call you by your other name and we still have to use she/her around them but hopefully once we live where we plan to stay, you can start changing all that slowly.

We’re also gonna move back to the Orlando area for a year and then move on from there, so I’m excited to see how this next year will go, living back in Orlando together but as a COUPLE this time!!

I love you so fucking much, Finley. And going back and reading all my posts is crazy. The things we said and the fact that they’re happening now. The fact that you said maybe we’ll be together at some point in the future. You were right! 💕💙💚✨ I didn’t understand back then. I wonder just how long in the future did I have to wait. How long before you wanted to be mine. And honestly, it barely feels like time has passed. We’re definitely better people since those talks, but it feels like I barely waited any time. Now, it feels like that, anyway. But while waiting, it felt like a fucking eternity lol

And the fact that I said I’d wait for you. I did. I waited and you chose me. You chose me. I’m so fucking happy. I love you so fucking much that it hurts. My heart has never felt this way for anyone. And it only gets bigger every day I spend with you.

It’s Saturday at 11 am and my mom is making pancakes. Usually, on the weekends, you’re supposed to come into my room and get me up, you and Anna. But I’m guessing you’re still asleep once again lol

But that’s okay. I love waking you up cuz you open your eye a bit then have a small smile on your face when you see me and that just...ugh. Like...my whole body just goes 😭😭😭🥰🥰🥰✨✨✨💕💙💙💚☺️☺️☺️☺️✨💕

So I think I’ll go wake you up now~

Love, Elli💙✨

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

This blog is dead.

It’s not fucking fair

Why am I the one hurting and you get to act like nothing happened??

I didn’t do anything!

I defended myself when you said I was being shitty and yet I’m in the wrong!

It’s not fair that I’m stuck mending how awful I feel because this came out of fucking no where and I fucking drove 2 and a half fucking hours and yet I’M the shitty friend!

That I tried to make sure your month was uplifted after how shit it had been, really trying- WANTING to make you smile and I’M the shitty friend!

Not caring about myself in the least, even going so far as to be okay bringing you back home when I had every right not to BUT I’M THE SHITTY FRIEND

It’s all bullshit! I should be over you like you are to me and yet I’m crying almost every night and hung up on WHAT THE HELL EVEN HAPPENED because it when downhill real fucking fast

I should be the one enjoying my fucking life without you and yet I can’t because I’m stuck on so many unanswered fucking questions!

It’s not fair! I did NOTHING WRONG

I ONLY SAID THAT YOU MISUNDERSTOOD ME AND GOT ANGRY AT ME

HOW AM I THE ONE IN PAIN???

IT’S BULLSHIT

And you know it

I’m not sending any of this to you

You deserve to see it all but what I’m saying will only make you continue thinking that you’re right

When you’re not

No one thinks you are

Not even your own mother

I should be over you

And our friendship

And how you treated me

I need to be over this

But instead I spent my whole drive from work crying because I was treated so unfairly and you don’t even care

I can’t even have a new friend because of you

Because I’m so scared of being treated like shit again

I’m so used to you

And your bullshit that you’re all I want to go back to

I’m fucking in love with you and knowing that is fucking eating me alive

You

The way you acted

The way I feel

It all makes me want to fucking die.

I literally thought about jumping today

Because I can’t stand being alive anymore

I want to move back to Daytona because of you

I don’t want to work here anymore because of you

I literally want to die because of you

You’re garbage

You’re bullshit

You’re the epitome of an evil person

You used me to make yourself feel better and when you were done with me, you tossed me aside

You don’t deserve friends

You don’t deserve relationships

You don’t deserve anything

Because you treat people like shit and you know it

All people do is care about you and you treat them like shit for doing it

You’re insane

You’re bipolar maybe

You need therapy or meds or SOMETHING

You’re rotten and you deserve NOTHING.

All I did was fucking care about you and you couldn’t even take that

You don’t deserve to have anyone care about you

I’m glad Jerrod broke your heart

You needed to see how it felt

You needed a taste of your own medicine

You needed to be torn apart and broken

And I didn’t deserve the backlash from that

I didn’t deserve your anger

He did.

But because you’re so fucking stupid, he didn’t get it

You sent it all my way because you’re a heartless person that’s only satisfied when things go how you want them to go.

Fuck you.

I hope you’re never treated well

I hope any relationship you get into from now on, platonic or romantic, it’s shit

I hope they realize how shit you are and leave sooner than I was able to.

Goodbye and good riddance

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

Ok, fine. Here it is. What I’ve been trying to hide from you for over a year now.

There were so many more times I wanted to write on this blog. But time would get away from me. There was more I wanted to say, but I kept it all to myself instead.

I made this blog because someone else inspired me to. She wrote about her gf whether she was around her or not. It was called “lovenotestojulia”

That blog doesn’t exist anymore because the two...broke up. They were my inspirations for so long to believe in love and once they ended things, I honestly thought that it really didn’t exist.

I still think that.

These were moatly my thoughts at a time. But to be able to look back at them does give me some joy. Looking back on good times is nice. It really is.

I will probably retire this blog now though since you’re reading it. Not sure.

Or I’ll continue to post whenever there are things that I just can’t say to you.

Like how I almost wrote to Ryan ( your Ryan ) recently. Telling him to remember the good times and just move on. And...more but still. I didn’t. I typed it up and everything, but I didn’t send it. I could never.

Just like things in my previous post that WERE said but are now erased cuz I knew you’d be reading it. I could never let you hear those from me because as angry or mad or upset that I could be, I know that some words sting and I’d never say it to you or about you, no matter how much I may think it.

Well... I’m not sure what else to say here. I don’t want to actually leave your life... I just...want to be my own separate part in it. I always make threats because I hope they’ll scare you. That they’ll get you into saying you don’t want me gone cuz I know I’ve said that and felt that plenty of times.

So I always want to hear the same from you...

I hope..you aren’t upset by any of these posts. They aren’t meant to endorse anything in you. They were truly just my thoughts about you. How I felt. How I feel. How close you are to me and how I could never admit certain things to you.

But...I think this is as good a time as any to show this to you.

Love, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

I seem to only come here at the desperate times now. When we’re fighting or something.

I still meant it when I said my feelings for you were gone. However...there’s a part of me, if I can be honest, that is hoping if we remained single into times where we didn’t want to be anymore that...we’d just say “fuck it” and date or something. Two of my friends made that same pact. And...I always wanted to bring it up to you, but I never got the chance.

But now things are a LOT different than I ever thought they’d get.

You’ve got a...boyfriend now. And I hate him. You hate that I hate him, but I do. And there are many tiers to why, but I think it’s mainly because I don’t have my single best friend anymore. You and I always sighed and daydreamed about being in a relationship and now that you are and I’m not...I hate it.

But who cares what I think. Well...you apparently. For some reason it’s so awful to you that you don’t like him. And I don’t think it’s the reason I think.

I think you hate that I don’t like him because you want my approval. Someone you talk to and are around— well...USED to be around constantly. If I don’t like him, then how are you supposed to hang out with the both of us?

But I think the real reason you hate that I don’t like him is because you do. Like, that’s it. Because you do and I should like what you like. Ok, what if I said I did like him. What if I hung out with you and I liked him. But like...I REALLY liked him. Then what? Would you rather me hate him?

I wouldn’t though. Don’t worry. I think he’s...kinda ugly. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So...this post is gonna come to a close. I’m very close to showing you this entire Tumblr..actually...

I told you that if he and I couldn’t be separate in your life...then I’d leave. And I meant it. And well...if I leave..then I’m showing you this tumblr. I really want you to see how I felt about you up until now. How there was always someone who was head over heels for you and you had no idea. Even when I was around you, I was typing things on this tumblr and you had no clue. I want you to see that and just know how true my love was for you. And how I still love you, just in a different way now.

But when I do show this tumblr to you, I’ll make another post for you to read. Idk what it’ll say, but I’ll come up with something.

It’ll either be really soon or just...soon. Idk yet.

For now though, that’s all.

-Elli.

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

This blog fell to the wasteside when my feelings for you did as well.

I may not feel the same way about you as I did before, but I still care about you greatly.

Almost one month ago, you felt it was best that we aren’t in each other’s lives anymore. You said that our constant arguments were too toxic to salvage anything. I thought you were wrong and I still try to prove it to you every day.

You unfortunately only saw the bad parts of us and never praised the good.

You only claimed me to be at fault for everything when it was clearly on both our heads.

You called me a liar and said that I didn’t try at all to make our friendship better though so many signs pointed to the fact that things weren’t going to change in the span of a month.

I’m sorry that it all happened and I’m fighting every day to show you that I meant my promise. My loads of promises that I’ve told you throughout our time together.

All in all, I just want you back. To be friends again.

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

It's been a few months, my dear... Not because I wanted to stop writing these messages. I thought about this account a lot. But I've just gotten a bit busier, as you have as..our lives have. We aren't talking anymore. It breaks my heart in pieces to type this but...almost 2 weeks ago, we suggested a break. And a break is what we're doing. There hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you. Texting you, calling you, anything. Wanting to share what I've been up to. But... I can't. We decided to break until the start of June. But I'm going to try a little longer. I want to prove to you that I don't need you and I want you to eventually miss me. I'm really curious about what will happen when the first of June comes. Will I be tempted to text? Will you be tempted to? Will I actually do it? Will you actually do it? I know you won't, but it's a nice thought to have, that it's killing you not to say at least a word to me. I thought about it a bit. Does it suck not talking to you? And all I can say is...sort of. Which isn't what I thought my answer would be. I miss you making an effort to talk to me. That's what I miss. That's what I cherished. So, knowing that near the end here, I was putting forth more effort than you were, I don't miss that at all. That's why I only claimed sort of. There's so much more I can put in depth about this break we're having and how it's overall making me feel but I've got time to do so. It's only the 27th of May and as I said, I may not come back June 1st. I may wait til June 5th or even June 17th. So, I've got time. But we'll see. Also, I work very long shifts these next two days and since it's 12 am, I need sleep. But I'll update this in intervals throughout the day if I can. About what happened and my thoughts. Who knows, maybe the intervals will last this entire break and something new will come out of this. For now, I'm going back on what I've written in the past. They make me smile to remember what things were like before the storm. Love, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

For the past few days, your anxiety has been getting the best of you. And everytime it does, you've wanted to talk to me. There was one time that I offered you speak to your parents, not because I didn't want to talk, but because I felt like I wasn't helping. So you called your father and talked to him for a bit, then called me ( back ). That night, we stayed on the phone for hours. Hours upon hours. I didn't want to hang up because if I did, you may have been feeling your anxiety again. So, I said you could hang up whenever you felt like you were okay. But...that didn't happen lol. Instead, we stayed on the phone. All night until morning. You hung up around 10 am. We stayed on the phone for 10 hours hahaha! We both fell asleep on the phone and that was that. So last night, you wanted to "break that record" and so...we stayed on the phone for..12 hours I think. You're absolutely crazy, love. 😂 Besides that, things have been good with us, I'd like to think. I don't bring up anything..too serious, but I hope you still know how I feel about you. If it hasn't been obvious yet. However, how you feel about me... I dare not being that up, but you do indeed give mixed signals... You want to spend the night at my place now. And I'm totally alright with that! It's just your wanting to wait a bit before and now you want to not only that but possibly sleep in the same bed as well..! Mixed signals ugh, lol. I also perhaps brought up kissing. Just...practicing kissing. I maybe hinted about wanting you to help me practice and you hinted that you'd maybe be okay with that. Either way, I'm anxious to see what the next couple weeks will be like that's for sure. But I am hoping I can see you next week. Gonna be super honest here...I very much want too kiss you.~ Love, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

I haven't written in a week as...a lot was kinda happening. With us. I spent the night at your place and as I stated, the whole situation there was just...different. It felt a lot different from the times before. But after that...things got even...stranger. We seemed back to normal. Like, a good normal. But things were still strained. Noticeably strained. At least to me. You were treating me a little colder and in ways that I wasn't expecting. It was...hurting me. Tonight, I brought this up. Well...most of it. And you informed me that you felt the whole situation to be awkward. An awkward situation that... you kinda started. I wasn't planning for you to invite me, but you did. And you said you just wanted to be nice so you did it. From there, I felt like things were somewhat better. I thought you were inviting me to the parks Thursday and Friday. I thought it meant I could spend the night again, but this time for a couple more nights. Wednesday night I'd stay over, Thursday we'd go to the parks then I'd stay as well and Friday we'd go to the festival and I'd stay til Saturday morning. It's what we'd do before and I thought you were implying it was alright to do again. This upset you. You were implying that and I just assumed and invited myself to stay. I didn't mean to, again, I thought that's what you meant. I wouldn't have thought anything if I didn't think you meant it first. I told you the way you sounded to me was offensive... That you sounded so harshly and it got me upset. I told you how you acted towards me last week got me upset as well. These confessions made you angry. I wasn't sure how to feel about that but...it happened. You got upset that I got upset but my upset was sad while yours was angry... These things do happen to us...a lot more than they did, yes. But...it's getting us to learn more and open up more to each other I feel. I want to keep opening up to you. I don't want us hiding anything. We can't. Because of how I feel about you.....I can't just let you walk away angry. I want to show you that I care and that I want to fix whatever's wrong. So if it means not being able to see you for a few weeks then...alright. Maybe in that time...you'll miss seeing me as much as I already miss seeing you. Or that may be too selfish..I don't know. Either way, my holding back seems to be sparking something in you. I can't put my finger on it entirely but...I know something's there. I really do. You may not know yet and you may still be figuring it out and that's fine. But I still promise to wait for you. Goodnight, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

Well, in a twist of events...I'm here at your place. Not sure how it happened but...it did! I'm sleeping on your floor though and it truly sucks. One, uncomfortable. Duh. And two, I miss being near you... I would ask but I'm so afraid of what the answer could be that I'm just...not going to. Half of me just wants to take a chance. The other half wishes you would offer me a spot. But I know it won't happen. You already said I should wait a few weeks on coming over again, then this happened so spontaneously. Ugh. Not being near you sucks. A lot. You're right here in the room with me and....it's awful. Goodnight, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

I will wait for you.

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

We talked tonight.... Oh boy did we talk. I couldn't hold back anymore and I had to know how things were between us. I had to know what we were before I continued doing what we did. I had to know how you felt about me, where you wanted this to go.... Your answers were always the same until I tried to answer for you. That helped..at least a little. I finally kinda of get things, and so... I won't press on anymore. What's done is done. You say you still like me and that there's a possibility for us in the future, just not now. And I'm okay with that, honest... Just knowing you like me makes me feel...wanted at least. A feeling I've never felt before. So...I'll wait for you. I want to be with you. But the timing now is bad. Through tears and frustration, I figured things out. I just hope we can go back to how we were, BEFORE we were an intimate thing. Flirty and sweet and cute... It may take a bit but...I want to be like that again. Nothing more, nothing less. Goodnight, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

I can't believe I stayed up talking to you until 5 am.... We're crazy lol. But...we ended up talking about...our feelings. And that was all because one thing started leading to another and.....well I'm not going into detail of course, lol So, now we're here. I tried bringing up how...confusing this all was...but you started falling asleep so it wasn't possible. I'm not completely mad at YOU for it... Moreso I'm mad at you for not going to bed because you work tomorrow. I want to make sure you get enough sleep. You promised me we'd finished this conversation tomorrow, so I'll have to take that for now. You still mean so much to me. I hope you know that. Goodnight, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

We didn't talk much today until late tonight. But that's alright. You were adamant in calling me and that flattered me so much ☺️ You're watching Beaches right now, for the third time tonight lol. But I know how much the movie meant to you in seeing it. How much Idina means to you. It's funny watching you go on about Idina as much as you do. Sometimes I may even find myself jealous of Idina? You just love her so much. But who am I kidding, I get jealous of all your friends. They all mean so much to you and I'm always afraid I don't mean anything. But it's nothing I could ever bring up, of course. Anyways, I keep egging you to go to bed, but you're refusing. You'll watch Beaches one more time til 3 am lol. But...if it means we can stay talking to each other for that long...I'm okay with it. Love, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

I figured you'd want to sleep in today since you've been up late and haven't had much lately. I want to text you but I'll wait a little longer lol. Love, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

I’m currently talking to you on the phone. But you’re falling asleep on me. It’s alright, it’s cute.

I love these talks so much, even if we aren’t saying much. But you should go to sleep, love. You’ve earned it.

Goodnight, Elli~💙

[mythoughtsaboutfinley]

I’m starting this blog because these are things that I don’t feel I’ll be able to say to you. Right now we’re…“on a break” I guess. And it feels terrible. But I could never let you know. Not right now. I miss sending you sweet goodnight texts. Sending you the green heart. You calling me “babe” or “bae” and ESPECIALLY "love".

I miss having that chemistry with you that I honestly feel we still have but not being able to admit it. I told you I may love you and I think it scared you. I hate that and I don’t want you to go. We started arguing over tiny, silly things and that scared you too. You didn’t like getting annoyed or bothered at me. But you feel because you did, it meant things weren’t good between us. I think we just needed to breathe, talk things through.

We’re better now. No longer strained. Things are like how they were for that good solid month and I want it again. But again, I won’t press it now. If anything…things will fall back to how they were? Like I said, I still feel like we have that chemistry. And if I’m honest…I think you feel it too.

But I’m going to wait on things. I’m still going to care about you and feel the way I do because I’ve never felt this way before. But I’ll wait til I think it’s right to talk things through again. For now, I’m glad to be cared about by you in any way. It’s been 3 weeks since I’ve seen you, and I miss you so much. I want to see you and be near you again but I know we should wait. I’m okay with that for now. As long as I get to hear your voice, I’ll be okay. If I get to see you on Sunday, even if for a little while, that will make my week.

So, that’s all I’ll write for now. You’re working so we don’t have the time to talk. I hope you’ll call me tonight and we’ll have our talks like we usually do. I’ll be looking forward to it.

Love, Elli~💙