mythoughtsareyourthoughts

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

rambles

i was thinking yesterday about how i get anxious being away from home for too long. i was running errands by myself and i was reminded how in the back of my mind there’s always mild dread because i’m away from home. however, as i type this out, i’m realizing the anxiety is more related to solo driving than physically being away from home. i think the longer i solo drive spontaneously and not for work or school, the more i dread being away. and the feeling is always there, it’s just more in the background than the foreground.

another thing i’ve been thinking of lately is loneliness. not in depth, because i think i’ll cry, but it comes to mind more and more that i don’t have any friends. not ones close by anyway. moving around so much can kind of do that. and im bad at messaging back (which i heard may be because of my poor self esteem so that’s fun). i miss my friends from elsewhere and i want to make friends so bad. (i’m scared to admit that it’s an ‘i’d do near anything to make friends’ kind of bad). i’m awkward and shy but i do think i like people.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

i deserve to be here

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

second day of new job

it’s the middle of the night before my third day of work and i’m feeling a lot of things. mainly selfish thoughts as per usual. i’m very stressed about being in the workforce and among people all the time now. i’ve been in my own bubble for so long and it’s stressful. i’m scared that i’m not going to succeed or be liked. i know being liked by everyone isn’t the point or realistic, but being in my orientation scared me yesterday. i was convinced that i could be friends with everyone and everyone would want to be my friend. i also could see how much u wanted the approval of the people i was talking to. i’m afraid ill give up too much just for someone to like me. i’m trying to stop that before it happens. i know that i’m a shy and introverted person who wants to be talkative and extroverted and while that’s fine, i need to tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with who i am now. socializing comes with practice and so does self confidence. i can’t be pretending to be someone i’m not. it’s hard for me to think about being enough just as i am. i need to put more focus on my job.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

period

my period is going to start soon and i can already feel my thoughts declining. it’s like a flip switched and i can only think negatively. i’m trying so hard to check myself and being myself back to reality but it’s hard. fuck i want to scream

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

thursday

last thursday was the worst. i can’t believe how poorly i behaved. i let my fear and anxiety control everything. i couldn’t even act like a normal person. i’m so embarrassed and honestly feel pathetic. tomorrow i go back and i just want to feel better. it’s sad when your one goal of the day is to not cry. but it reallly is. i cried for 2 days straight about it and then was ok and now im crying all over again. i just want to stop. i feel stupid. i don’t know what’s wrong with me. honestly this experience just made me think that i can’t function as a normal person. i don’t know what happened and why im like this but it sucks. and i’m scared. why is insecurity so hard to get over? and how do so many people have confidence? even in the people who don’t have as much confidence as they should, how can they still push through? i don’t get it but i want to get it. i just need to get over myself. i don’t even deserve to be having a breakdown over this. i wish i liked myself more. i know i’m capable of hard things. i wish i did more and that i had someone to talk to.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

week 6

this term is kicking my ass. today was definitely one of the worst days at school i’ve ever had. i failed my test horribly and now im close to not passing. this past week i was slacking with the visit home, my parents coming back with me, and being late one homework. i managed my time terribly and i’ve never done it well to begin with. i can’t believe i cried in front of my professor. i can’t even blame my hormones because i probably would’ve done it even if i wasn’t on my period. i honestly just feel so sad and miserable and dumb and pathetic. i feel like i have no purpose and i know that i have no ambition. i feel like im just here and im squandering my life. i’m genuinely a selfish and terrible person who always feels sorry for herself even though i literally don’t do anything. i’ll do what i need to do this week. i’m better than this and i know i can improve. the only thing stopping myself is me. i can do it.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

live a life that’s true to yourself

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

home alone

i hate when boredom turns into loneliness which turns into self pity. i don’t deserve it and i actually have things to do. i’ll be happy when tomorrow comes and my day will be full because i made plans for myself. i’m in the process of improving my life so let’s pump the breaks.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

no it’s not an epiphany

i always have these thoughts when i don’t have time for them ugh. let me just say that it’s week 9. i barely got through my mental health final and i have another one tomorrow. why is now the time that i want to start improving and living my life for myself? idk i’m just finding a lot of beauty in a lot of things right now. i feel emotional about it and i truly want better for myself. i’m starting to do that with getting more involved in school and now those feelings are carrying over into other things. i don’t like feeling so lonely and insecure. i want to be a confident person who has ambition and more creative hobbies and is more social. i hate being in my head all the time. it gets me nowhere. i don’t want to watch other people living their lives and just live my life for me. i want to continue to find the beauty in life and make myself one of those things.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

interlude

i’m in this apartment by myself, watching the bear, on my period and i’m in tears. i’m just feeling overwhelmed by how much i love this show and how i just want to be a better version of myself. seeing these characters and their relationships are making me think of my own. i’m shy and quiet and neurotic and it puts off a lot of people. if i just get out of my head for a few seconds that can change. i have no hatred in my heart and i don’t feel bad about those other people. i just was thinking about what if i had said something at the moment and spoken up about that thing? i’m grateful to have the power of my life in my control and be able to do something different. i need to stop crying about myself all the time and make the change. genuinely. i’m an adult. i need to stop watching other people living their lives and start acting on my own. again, i’m not even upset. i just need to do it. like dressing nice every time i go out just because it makes me feel good. wear lipgloss and earrings everyday just because it makes me feel good. decorate my room how i want, cook dinner, clean, use perfume, workout. all these things would make me feel better and give me some purpose. i just want to love myself some more, that’s all. i say that with no hate or anger or regret. just love for what i’m capable of becoming.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

22

it’s my birthday and i’m feeling good. genuinely. the new term starts tomorrow and i officially start living on my own next week. i’m nervous but this’ll be good for me. i need the opportunity for growth. also even though i spent 6 hours in the car today, i had dinner yesterday with my family and i’ll be back home next weekend to spend time with them some more. i’m grateful for this break and i hope to be more productive these next 10 weeks and this next year. it’s time for me to branch out and try new things and learn who i am by myself. i’m excited.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

new year’s resolution

finally a post where i don’t feel deeply sad, but incredibly insecure instead:) my new year’s resolution is to stop being so neurotic. my overthinking ruins a lot of experiences for me. it also ruins a lot of goals and desires i have. since it takes so much energy out of me, i’ve decided to not let it do that anymore. at least i’ll try my best. i’m starting school soon and i wanna be able to make friends and say what i’m thinking without worrying what other people will think. i just want to stop making life harder for myself.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

i feel stupid

i feel gross and dumb and stupid. i don’t do my homework, i don’t do chores. i have no job and no purpose. having my friend here was supposed to make life better and easier. instead i’m still trying not to fall into my bad habits from last year. i’m not good at anything. things that used to keep my interest don’t anymore and i’m just wasting my life away and disappointing my family. i feel guilty and embarrassed and worthless. this sucks and i hate it. i just wish i wasn’t a disappointment.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

march 2022

so much has happened. most recently, i learned my dad has been cheating on my mom since i was one and i only learned about it because of the most extreme circumstances. my mom wants a divorce, i don’t want to be around him right now, and my brother got the last laugh because he’s been complaining about my dad from day one. and yet, he’s the most willing to keep a relationship with him. i don’t know what to do about everything. i cried for like an hour yesterday and i’ve been angry every minute since finding out. i’m tired of being so upset that i don’t want to hang out with the rest of my family, but i don’t know when this feeling will blow over. on top of everything, school starts in a couple of weeks. at least i stuck to reading. i get so bored of my phone and more often than not tv too now. hopefully school is a good distraction and i stick with good habits. i just wanted things to go well and i wanted to be happy while i started this new chapter in my life and now everything is messed up. i just want to scream.

i have positive thoughts for school though. i just wish everything else was positive as well. oh well.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

november 2021

it’s nov 2021. at this point i feel like i’m ruining my life for lack of a better phrase. i don’t do my homework, i don’t do chores, i’m not healthy, i don’t socialize. i got my license thinking it’d help with being at home, but it’s made no difference. i miss my friends, my brother, and even my old job. i’m constantly stuck in the past wishing i would’ve done this or that, knowing those moments have passed. i wish i had the motivation to do something with my life. i know every decision i’ve been making is in my worst interest. i know i need a routine to distract me from this depression (?) and give me purpose. i know i could reach out to my friends more. i know i could respect myself more, but it’s hard. i hate that doing things that will make me feel fulfilled take so much effort now.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

it’s been a while

so it’s been 9 months and things are different now. aside from covid, i’m not going back to school in california. i’m also not pursuing OT anymore. i’m going to nursing school! i also got a job in july (thanks mom). so i’m a tray passer right now and training to do diet office in 2 days so that’ll be interesting. anyways, i’ll start at my new school in february. my mom also told me that cna classes in the hospital start in january and go on for 3 months until i can apply for an open position. i’m actually very excited. with all of the anticipation of these new changes, i need to remember to stay on track with school. anatomy is kicking my ass and i still have more final projects to do. not to mention the fact that i got my permit:) with all that said and as fun as the future sounds, i’m worried about my socal life. i don’t know anyone here except for the people i work with, but i’m so shy and have such poor social skills that i feel like i’m ruining every friendship opportunity that comes my way. i do still talk to my friends from ca though and i don’t think i’ve turned off everyone new that i’ve met so there’s that. i just need to be hopeful about things and be confident in myself. i know that being confident is the key to living my best life, but that’s a post for another time. the future is looking bright, i just have to stay focused and believe in myself because i know i got this.

[mythoughtsareyourthoughts]

second semester

i’m feeling pretty good about my life at this point. i’m being productive in school, i like the people i’m surrounded with, my family is doing pretty ok (my brother is home now), and i have clear goals for the future. i want to be a kin major and be an ot. i want to minor in wgs. i want to take part in a medical outreach program. i want to be healthy, i want to reach out. i want to make the most of my time here. to get to the point, i’m positive and excited for the future. just today, i was talking to my roommate about living together next year and how much of a great time we’ll have. we want to motivate each other on being more involved on campus. getting out of our comfort zone, and working to be the best people we can be. that’s what we’re here for anyways. i love how optimistic i am right now and don’t want to stop. school is gonna be great, my grades will be fine, and so will i. i need to calm down, stay focused, and stay present. that’s the most important thing right now.