mythoughtstaylor

[mythoughtstaylor]

[mythoughtstaylor]

““Do not tell everyone your story. You will only end up feeling more rejected. People cannot give you what you long for in your heart.””

— Henri J. M. Nouwen,  The Inner Voice of Love (via amargedom)

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for wheat is wheat, even if people think it is a grass in the beginning — Vincent van Gogh

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“Comparing yourself to others is an act of violence against your authentic self.”

— Iyanla Vanzant

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Ahh fucking hate this

i think i just need to accept the fact that i get sad at night regardless of how my day went lmao

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The truth

Daily reminder!

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why am i so small and sensitive and in need of constant reassurance

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i hope one day my heart isn’t as heavy as its is now

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Something I need to learn

“Feelings are just visitors, let them come and go.”

— Mooji   (via elbesoie)

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When you feel you have lost everything, you still have

books

unexpected kindness in strangers

the rest of the world to travel

languages to learn

animals to take care of

volunteer work to do

the power of a good night’s rest

the changing of seasons

infinite things to learn

billions of people to meet and possibly love

billions of people who might love you back

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“As long as you’re learning, you’re not failing.”

— Bob Ross

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i wonder how many strangers hate me bc of how someone else described me to them

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Update!!! Weird update!!

So tonight was my friends birthday dinner with her foster family, extremely boring, we fucked around the entire time. I took pills, I broke my one week of being sober. I’m still out of it but I’m waking up, I remembered what my therapist told me.

“It’s a choice. You choose what you do. You want to be a drug addict? That’s your choice. You get to choose your life.”

For some reason the idea of me having control of what I do is really waking me up which doesn’t make sense because it’s common sense to know that you’re in control like duh.

But I remember thatsnd immediately got up, while being out of it, and worked out. 35 minutes, cardio, toning. I did it while wanting to crash on my floor. What I do is my choice. I have to choose my future. I don’t know but tonight I’ll paint.

Think about that, you have the CHOICE.

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Wow ive never ready anything written quite like that spot on 😥🤭

Enough excuses for parents who abused their kids but “meant the best”. They “meant the best” for themselves, not for the kids. It’s fucking easy to just rely on emotional abuse, threats, humiliation, shame, guilt and violence to get your way and to force your kid to stay in control and to sabotage and fuck up the child’s life so you would feel good about it, and then to just remind yourself “i meant the best” to feel no guilt about doing so whatsoever. Just repeating to yourself “it doesn’t hurt them” and “they deserved it”  while actively forcing your child to keep all the obvious trauma symptoms out of sight or ensuring the child believes it’s their own damn fault for feeling the way they do.

You know what’s not easy? Having your parent force control of your life via emotional abuse, threats, shame, humiliation, violence. Your parent getting into your own head and  gaslighting your senses until you feel worthless and insane and like a monster, until you don’t dare to feel your own feelings, until you’re ashamed of the pain you feel and can’t see yourself as anything other than a horrible burden and nothing you do can ever change that or make you good enough. You know what’s even harder? Still believing that your parent “meant the best” and not even daring to blame them and still being forced to draw the conclusion that it was after all, all your fault, for existing as you do, for being who you are, for not ever being good enough! And then, on top of all of it, hearing the rest of the world agree with the parent’s view, pressuring you to never blame them, to forgive them, to never hold them responsible, to “be better” and understand them, to not ever try to place blame on anyone but yourself because then you’re the monster.

Just. How. Is. One. Supposed. To. Heal. From. That. Healing can’t even begin until the blame is placed on the parent! This person literally benefited from their child’s suffering! They did not get affected negatively from it at all, they didn’t even care, they walked away satisfied and getting what they wanted while the child now has a lifetime of traumatic consequences and mental illness problems! Their freedom is taken away, their quality of life reduced, their relationships and friendships sabotaged, their confidence crushed! They’re placed at extra risk for addictions and obsessions because they keep falling into the black pit of trauma no matter how hard they try to distract and their life is heavy and painful no matter how well they do afterwards! Their brain can’t regulate stress properly anymore! Abuse causes literal brain damage and all this is just so the parents would get their way! And you all still insist they shouldn’t feel guilty about it or be faced with consequences of their abuse? They shouldn’t fucking admit to themselves and to their children what they’ve done? If the truth will kill them, let them die. Abused children’s right to heal comes way before the abusers feeling good about themselves.

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Onml lmao

When you overshare your childhood trauma over text at 3am and then look back the next morning and you’re just like yiKES ITS BEEN FUN HAHA TIME TO DIE

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What’s up

It’s 4:40am

All I can think about is what I haven’t done. And before I dwell on that I stop and realize I’ve never done this in my life so far. I’ve never planned for the future, I’ve never wanted something so bad that I convince myself it’s possible even if it’s far from it.

I know it seems stupid but I spent most of my childhood searching for a reason to live and this? Even thinking that I have the ability to think about pursuing what I think could make me happy, that’s so out of character for me.