mytumblydiary

[mytumblydiary]

September 26,2019

After going through the rape I’ve been clinging to you and spending way more time with a bf than I ever thought I would.

But you’ve done so many things and are smart and talented in ways I could never be. And I feel like all I offer anyone is sex and my looks. And I’ve “let myself go” and lost lots of my sexual energy/endurance so what good am I? Why do you love me and keep me around?

Not being able to make you cum too after pestering you for rides and wrecking your place makes me feel like shit. I’m sorry.

[mytumblydiary]

First post in awhile because dating feelz

I'm bi/pan/queer and I've preferred women my whole life but right now all my romantic options are male identified except one agender person. And my options could practically create a dating sims game with the type of options they are:

My friends with benefits of 3 years.  I'm close to him but he owned up to stalking one of my blogs at one point but was honest about it on his own which has helped us get closer.  Bonding over interest in kink and our intimacy with each other.  My feelings for him are complex and strong.

Poor monogamous boy at work who is a few years younger than me who wants me to be monogamous too.  Sweet.  Art obsessed boy who literally just paints and draws and bikes all day.  Too  pure for me.  I'd break him.  Only white boy in this group.

A grad student who was the teacher of a college class I was in awhile ago.  Flirting with me on a dating site.  Sarcastic but also nice and super smart (started college at 14 and now has many degrees).  Literally has been my teacher in the past which would skeeve me out if it wasn't in the past.

An agender best friend of mine who is in an open marriage.  We crushed on each other in middle school and have been friends for over 10 years.  Recently let me live with them and their wife and mom for a month when homeless.  Trauma-bonded with me due to our abusive fathers and other shit we've endured.  Recently confessed feelings to me and his wife is fine with it.

[mytumblydiary]

May 24th,2019

A lot has happened. Apartment flooding keeps worsening so I’m crashing with Sebastian (just got his name changed today) and Becca and Sebastian’s moms home. They have been so good to me.

I have to move ASAP. I don’t wanna get stuck paying for rent next month for a flooded basement that the cats and I aren’t even sleeping in. Maddy needs to be convinced.

Hanging with Sebastian, Becca, Andrea, and Rose has been really nice

Lots of dudes hitting me up for sw shit. I’m busy rn but hopeful.

Ash vs Evil is a good tv show

I need to get my life in order

[mytumblydiary]

May 16, 2019

Abortion rights are being lost and I can’t get it out of my head.  I’m scared

Yesterday was my birthday.  Saw my brothers, ate good food, recieved love and validation.  It was good.

One more final and it’s the essay on Machiavelli and Plato that’s due tomorrow.  Need to get on that shit

Seriously tho the abortion shit has me beyond upset

[mytumblydiary]

May 13, 2019

Demon came forward about tumblr spying on me and I’m shooketh.  I wasn’t expecting it and now I’m stuck in a difficult spot where for the past month I’d been getting over him...but sex was intimate and he shocked me with his honesty.  Like that isn’t what I expected that he wanted to “discuss” with me and I’m honestly so impressed.

Feelings may be coming back that I didn’t want to have?  Maybe?  And now I am in the spot where I can be honest or not about feelings I have on:

1. I’ve once had a crush on a mutual friend of ours.  I’ve never acted on it or anything but it has existed.

2.  I did my own research on him which was arguably worse since I did mine by asking friends from the other highschool in my town if he was a safe person...

3.  Certain things he has done really have upset me.  Not expressing boundaries or telling me if I’ve done things to upset him being the big one.  Not contacting me back quickly is another.

4.  I’ve had growing feelings at random points for awhile now and it scares me a lot.  I don’t know what that even means.  Is it romantic?  Am I capable of being romantic?  I dunno.

On a side note I am doing my economics final tomorrow.  I’m probably gonna fail.  Someone kill me

Orpheus did good at the vet.  Not a respiratory infection and is in fact just a cold

[mytumblydiary]

May 10, 2019

Here I am waiting on food delivery instead of making my lunch for tomorrow.  And took a damn nap all day.  Like a lazy fuck.  Finals week approaches with a class I may fail, my cat is sick, and the basement is filthy due to all the damn flooding.

Good news tho:  

- Demon contacted me.  I’m testing the waters right now.  I don’t know how sincere this new open communication thing actually is.  I’m very wary.  I want to trust him on this tho and am gonna put in the effort on my end.  I’m gonna be the same annoying open book as always.  I just hope he gets more honest with me because sex without honesty feels more gross now in my guts

- I volunteered, hit the gym, and got studying done today.  I’m kind of a fucking badass.  And feel valuable and strong and smart.

-More shifts at the restaurant job?  Fuck yeah.  It sucks to keep up with everything but I like making $$$.

[mytumblydiary]

May 8, 2019

Apartment flood again.  This time really bad and we don’t know why.  From the bathroom this time into the bedroom.  Threw away my long extension cord.  Wack.

Had an otherwise good day but god finals are coming and I am nervous.

Thighs are thicc.

Bought a friend a sandwich today.  And bought myself a snowcone and veggie burger.  Need to spend less money.

Sleepy.  Gotta work on school junk tho

[mytumblydiary]

May 6, 2019 Stop Week

Start of Stop Week.  Need to get on my shit with studying

This weekend was fun.  Talked a lot at a party with guy who I keep drunkenly talking to at all my friend Wolfies parties...but I don’t ever remember his name.  Cool communist dude tho.  Silly and patient with how quiet I can be despite his partial deafness which is nice.

Zy and I are talking less which is sad and Demon still isn’t talking with me.  Sex during finals is something that would greatly help me destress but...fuck it tbh.  I’ll survive.  Back on Hinge and also trying to find decent hookup apps

At work this weekend we hit 950ish pieces on Saturday (700ish by lunch) which is close to record breaking and then we got out early on Sunday which is good since I was hungover.

I’m low on money.  Need to spend less.  

My cats are so cute.

I’m feeling more body confident than I’ve felt in weeks.  Depressive phase is ending but I’m not manic presently...which is good.  Gettin’ shit done.

Oh wait.  Just got home on the bus and I think I saw Demon when getting off?  He didn’t say anything the whole ride...I mean I don’t have my glasses and can’t see him but I don’t think his eyes are that bad that he wouldn’t notice me at all...then again I got off the bus fast and it may not be him at all.  I once thought a super tall native american woman was him from super far away so idk.  My eyes are trash like that...but his job did move to my bus route so...idk.

Regardless his eyes are good and now I have anxiety that he is avoiding me.

[mytumblydiary]

May 3, 2019

My depression was getting good and then just got super bad again and kept me from journalling for days.  I’ve been working on school, trying to clean my home, my two civvie jobs, planning sex work junk, and trying to function even a little bit.

Today all I have scheduled is school, volunteering, and waitress work and then I’ll have factory shit 6am tomorrow.  This weekend is gonna have almost no damn sleep.  I’m tired and sad and horny and lonely and talking to people is emotional labor that I don’t have.

Met a cool queer girl while volunteering and we bonded on gay culture and hiding aspects of our lives from our families and communism.  I also bonded with some homeless guys that I was serving food to over our shared goth culture and it was nice to connect with people instead of isolating.

Took notes for a classmate who couldn’t attend class due to medical reasons. Having friends in the SW department is a bonus for both of us.

I need to work out more.  I’m losing my muscles which makes me sad

[mytumblydiary]

April 29, 2019

Ran on no sleep (took a nap at 5pm - 9pm tho) and took a test in my last class (economics...kill me), managed to talk with two future sex work clients between classes, and send an email explaining my situation around struggling to show up to class all the time to one of my professors.  I took dangerous levels of caffeine today to function but...when I’m I not taking dangerous levels of caffeine tbh?

I have a killer body recently.  My hips and ass are shrinking too which is bad and I need to fix that.  But the rest of it is all fucking awesome.  I look hot...and more importantly I’m getting stronger and hope I’ll feel confident to try training for combat again.

Need to start making more art again once finals are over.  Still haven’t made that one hentai pic for NN.

Sleepy all the time but hopefully the depressive phase is in its last few days.

[mytumblydiary]

How much caffeine can I take in a day before my heart totally gives out because I need to function, have depression, haven’t slept at all this night, and have a test this afternoon

I’ve already taken 400mg of caffeine.  Still hasn’t kicked in after an hour.  Gonna keep taking more til I 1.Wake up or 2.Die.  Either is fine

[mytumblydiary]

April 28, 2019

So my boss said he’d call to tell us the plan for our Sunday shift and he never did so I just...didn’t show up and explained it over text to him and he STILL hasn’t replied.  Hopefully I won’t be in trouble.  Not gonna think about it.  Anxiety is real tho.  Just gonna let it go.

If push comes to shove I’ve been offered a job as the local homeless shelter in my hometown

Wrote a bombass essay on Thomas Aquinas and his relation between real natural science and how he uses his own logic around it to justify the existence of the abrahamic god.  Still not a christian and never will be ever ever EVER again given it’s oppressive and abusive views on love, relations with others and ourselves, but gotta keep my thought critical and open.

Fetlife submissives don’t seem to understand I’m not getting anything out of being a domme and want it built around me despite it being their fucking money and therefore their fantasies and boundaries.  Even non pro-wise I’m not gonna fuck with any BDSM that is domme or sadist focused instead of focusing on wants of the sub.  But especially as a job it’s annoying.  I want you to pay me for my time.  My fantasies or whatever don’t matter at all.  I’m in hardened business bitch mode.

One of my best friends has been dealing with legal shit since they are the trans woman who recently threw glitter lavender water at a wellknown conservative speaker.  She is being deadnamed, targetted, arrested, threatened, and treated like fucking shit and I’ve been watching this shit play out and it’s adding to my depression.  This sweet girl who I used to trek through the snow to hold as she cried or defend her from shitty transphobes in bars is now a stronger and more amazing activist than I ever could be.  I love her and really hope she gets out of this as unharmed as possible.

I triggered some memories watching a thing about sexual assault today.  All stories are different so not all things remind me of myself.  Most things don’t get that response so I felt safe but she said shit that straight up applied to me and situations/thoughts that felt relevant to my own situations and I spiralled into thinking of the fact one guy who assaulted me moved back into my town recently and my feelings are mixed up now.

Good news is that finals are coming up finally, I got to see one of my friends new baby (this friend was homeless til recently and has become almost one of my family and I’ve been with them during their lowest shit and I want to cry at how far this powerful badass has come and how loved their baby is gonna be), and the cute communist guy is still up in my DMs on insta.  Not all life is bad.  

My next entry will be post-economics test tho so...yikes.  After skipping quite a few classes.  I’m expecting a bad time.

[mytumblydiary]

April 26 and 27, 2019 Sensory Deprivation, final prep, and dicks

On Friday I had a pretty garbage day of class and didn’t volunteer for once. BUT I did the sensory deprivation/float chamber and it was neat. Didn’t relax as quickly as I’d have liked but was still nice. I liked to feel my hair swirl around me like a mermaid.

Finals are fast approaching and I’m struggling with caring about anything due to depression. I need to get my ass in gear.

I still am chatting with my cute IG commie buddy. I still miss Demon sometimes but maybe he’ll contact me on my birthday or for finals. Not sure if I can fuck him again tho given everything else. I feel disappointed and disrespected in some ways even tho I know it’s all my own fault. Also I’ve been just really focused on myself and growing again recently instead of needing sex as an escape so much.

I’m also getting turned off by the amount of men sliding into both my fetlife and IG DMs. I really fucking wish these dicks would let me live my life for real and stop being so overconfident and shit.

Work is boring and hope they hire my lesbian buddy back on because she was the best. At my restaurant job there was tension from my boss telling one of my tables to leave after they tried to offer me a job while I was working which my boss found rude as hell. Tension is normal there so hopefully at least the factory fixes itself so one job will be low stress.

[mytumblydiary]

April 24, 2019

I am still depressed and skipped class.  Hit the grocery store to buy sharpies and food at like 10:30pm.  Made a sexy af croptop that says “damaged goods” because insults rando men online give me are the perfect artistic inspiration for my slutty aesthetic.

It is 2am.  I can’t sleep since I slept all day.  I’m lonely.  I’m gonna brush my teeth and stare at the ceiling/force a nap til I need to do laundry and hit the gym.

Probably should masturbate first and foremost tho.  Yes.  That is gonna be the plan

[mytumblydiary]

April 23, 2019 Tuesday

Today I hit the gym again!  Feeling strong.  Still a depressive phase but I’m strong.  Strong and not sad

I also had a productive day in class, got told about a potential future job at the homeless shelter, and kept talking to Zy on IG and he is still really cute and sweet.  I really want to actually hang soon.  Even to just be comrades in arms to fight the good fight.  He is really great

Misophonia is acting up in my classes and other public places a lot more.

Bought some tabletop games I can’t afford but whatever.  I love hidden identity games.  I don’t like lying in real life and suck at strategy...but god I love the chaos and double dealings when it comes to games

Tips sucked tonight but we are training a new server which is cool (I matched and starting talking to this person on tinder way back when and they are friends with one of our other servers by coincidence and both are also friends with Zy).

I am tired.  And lonely but it was a good day

[mytumblydiary]

Working out despite after last weeks depressive phase of not accomplishing much. Had a good gym day today before class. I still am in a depressive phase but this kind of helps me.

I can’t wait to be normal or even just manic again. My self love is gonna be so high. Right now I just wanna sleep and avoid life tho but got keep strong

And tbh nothing makes me feel less emotionally vulnerable and weak than becoming physically strong. A wobbly and meaty inside but a hard and tough outer shell makes me feel safer.

[mytumblydiary]

April 22, 2019

Depression is still a thing but today is good.  Picked up some levothyroxine.  Went to class.  Worked on some artsy junk.   Gave a friend 20 bucks so she’d have dog food.  Bought my mom a birthday massage

Am excited because I also bought myself an hour in a sensory deprivation chamber which I’ve been super eager to try for awhile now and didn’t realize there was one in my town or that it was so affordable.  This Friday is gonna be so relaxing hopefully.  I’m not gonna get my hopes too high just in case it’s a letdown...but I’m pumped.

My eye fucking hurts as I type this.  No idea why.

I had two pieces of chocolate pie, a salad, and crackers today which means no more eating or I’ll go over my calorie count.  At least it is 8pm right now so I shouldn’t be eating more anyway.

I’m so tired but feel I need to get more shit done tbh