myupsteadheart - Tumblr blog

myupsteadheart · 1 month ago

Text

Once More - Post CPD 11x13 Story

Hello!

I've mentioned that I've been fiddling with a(nother) post-Bolivia story, but it just isn't coming together. For the best? Probably. It will likely never see AO3, but I figured I'd share the first chapter here as a lil bonus.

It is very much Hailey's story, set right after her exit in season 11. No big content warnings, except angst and to make known that it's more of a "what could be" story than one with a real resolution. The happy ending is yours to create. Under the cut.

Of all the doors Hailey could be knocking on right now, how the hell did she end up here?

She double checks the house number. 1227. The yellow house on the corner. It’s a sprawling, woodsy street- not like the uniform tree-lined blocks of Chicago suburbs, but of a neighborhood tucked into the border of a big city and the mountains that surround it. It’s quiet, apart from the wind rustling in the leaves and some birds squawking overhead.

Hailey didn’t spend a ton of time picturing this place until she had a reason to. She pulls at the luggage tag hanging from her backpack until it snaps off, and she shoves it in the smallest pocket of her bag. Out of the pocket spills some damp tissues, evidence of her past few hours. She scoops them off the front porch quickly and forces them back in the bag.

She just needs to summon the courage to knock on the door. She left Chicago, got on the plane, flew hundreds of miles, and somehow this feels like the hardest part. Once she knocks, there's no walking it back.

Hailey raises her fist to the wooden door, but never actually hits it as her eyes glaze over- using the swirling grain of the wood as an excuse to zone out. How did she end up here?

She could be in the middle of Manhattan, pushing open the glass doors of the FBI headquarters. In Albuquerque, striding through a DEA office. In Washington DC, in Denver, in Philadelphia, in a new city every year with FEMA. Anywhere.

Hailey considered everything. She had known it was time to leave Intelligence for weeks, probably more. The unit that was once home was stripped of everything that made it so until it was only a crutch- a mere shadow of what it used to be that she clung to to convince herself she was still doing okay. It wasn’t until she took a bullet for it that she knew it had nothing to offer her anymore, and she was giving everything of herself for a chapter of her life that was never coming back.

Once she finally turned in her badge, she buried herself in her computer. Hailey looked up just about every law enforcement agency with a three-letter nickname. Days passed as she tried to picture herself moving on. For the first time in a long time, her future was wide open. Yet when she closed her eyes each night, she didn’t see New York or Albuquerque or Washington DC or Denver or Philadelphia. She saw a face.

Soft green eyes screaming for help.

Hailey hasn't seen Jay in a year and a half, but his face is as clear as if he were still falling asleep next to her each night. He doesn't deserve her worry, but love doesn't always work that way. She has faced plenty of monsters, and she has sat across interrogation tables or in courtrooms with their family and friends who insist that they aren't the monster Hailey saw. She never really understood it until she was the one on the other side of the table. Jay isn't a monster.

She knows she needs to move on, but Hailey can't do it- not really- without knowing what will happen to him. Maybe this will just be closing another chapter that is never coming back. Maybe all this will do is hurt her again, but moving to New York or Albuquerque or Washington DC or Denver or Philadelphia without knowing either way wouldn't be moving on at all. It would be living the last two years of her life over and over in a new city.

So here she is, staring at the wooden door with a hand-drawn sign reading Halstead hung on the wall to the right. Her closed fist hangs awkwardly in the air. She closes her eyes for a second and takes a deep, dramatic breath. Just as she summons the courage to finally knock, the door creaks open.

"Hailey?"

Her hand drops. "Hi, Will."

He stares with wide eyes. "Hi," he says slowly. He glances behind her as if still looking for the second person who should be by her side. It takes a few seconds for him to realize that she isn't someone he sees every day anymore, and she doesn't belong in Seattle. The air deflates and Hailey recognizes the fall of his face when he remembers everything that has happened. "Is everything okay?"

"I left Intelligence." The words tumble out. They don't really have anything to do with anything right now, but she hasn't had anyone to tell yet. Will is the first person she is talking to, so he gets the jumbled mess of emotion she is still sorting through. "And I'm leaving Chicago."

"Wow, okay," he says, understandably unsure what else to offer.

"Do you have a minute?"

Finally, he can do something. Will smiles softly. "For family, I have two. Come on in." He opens the door wider and motions her through. He looks older in the short amount of time since Hailey has seen him, but in a way that makes him appear more mature than worn-down. His auburn hair is cut shorter and smile lines are deep around his eyes. "I gotta say, I was ready to come out swinging when the doorbell camera kept capturing motion at the front door." He jokes weakly. "Usually it's a squirrel triggering the sensor."

"You'd hit a squirrel?"

"They tear up Natalie's garden and chew the power lines. They're lucky that hitting is all I'd do." Will pauses. "Actually, they're lucky I have a son who would never forgive me if I shot one."

"You'd have to be able to actually hit one," Hailey laughs emptily. "So I think they're safe for now." She spots a picture of Owen hanging in the hallway. He looks older too, but in the way kids seem to change five years at a time when you don't see them for one. "I like your home." It's disheveled and cluttered with signs of a happy life. Piles of shoes in the entryway, jackets hung on hooks by the front door, sports equipment stored by the back, a full family calendar hanging on the fridge. "Not quite a Chicago penthouse anymore, huh?"

"Thanks for assuming I had a penthouse." Will swings the door shut behind her and nods her toward the living room. "But not quite, no. It's not what I pictured, but we wanted a change of pace- room for Owen and future kids to grow up."

"Is Natalie-"

"No," Will shakes his head quickly. "Not pregnant, but we're trying." He shuffles around the room to straighten up blankets and move piles of freshly folded clothes from the couch. "Is that weird to say? It always feels weird to tell people we're trying."

"It's fine."

"We're doing the whole thing. The house, hopefully more kids, a wedding eventually. We're just doing it a little out of order, I guess."

Hailey takes a seat in a deep suede recliner that he points her to. She sits on the edge with her elbows resting on her knees, her hands tangling with nerves. "Order isn't everything. It's great," she answers. "Really, I'm- I'm happy for you guys."

She isn't very convincing, because she can't hear about Will's life without thinking of Jay. The wedding he should be at. The uncle he would have been- he is- and the kids who could look a little bit like him, but he might never meet.

Will sits crookedly on the armrest of the couch and nods slowly as their struggling attempt at small talk dies between them. "You didn't come all this way to talk about our family planning."

"No."

"Should I get us something to drink before we get to the good stuff, or should we jump right in?"

"You gotta get him out," Hailey breathes.

Will raises his eyebrows and smacks his lips. "Okay, we're jumping right in." He scoots down to the couch to sit across from her. "And by him, you mean-"

"Jay."

"And by out, you mean-"

"Back to Chicago? Here? I don't know, Will, but he has to get out of Bolivia."

"Right," Will sighs. He sits back and scrubs his hands over his face. "Did you hear from him? Did something change?"

"No."

"Because last I heard from him, he was doing okay."

"How long ago was that?"

"A year or so, but I haven't heard anything different since then."

"Then why isn't he home?" It feels like everyone wants to keep dancing around reality. Voight, Trudy, the rest of Intelligence all told her it was okay to move on because Jay was finding his way without her, but no one could answer one simple question. Why was he still over there? "You want to believe he's getting better. I get that. I lost everything for that- but it's been a year and a half. If he were really doing as okay as he told you, he'd be back by now."

"Maybe he's not ready. Maybe... maybe he likes it."

"Then why hasn't he reached out? You and I both know that he wouldn't shut you out without a reason. The divorce papers might be the last thing I ever hear, but I still know him and I know when something doesn't feel right."

"None of this has ever felt right, but-" Will hesitates. His eyes dart to her before flitting away, and he has the same look on his face that Hailey has seen from everyone. He wants to say something, but he's afraid to hurt her. The irony is, no one can hurt Hailey like Jay did, and she is still here fighting for him.

"You can say whatever it is you want to say." She gives him permission to do his worst.

"I just think...he made a choice." Will answers, delicately, like each word could be the one to break her. "I'm not saying it was right or that I agree with it because I don't, but it was his choice to make."

"And I think that if the next time we see him is in a body bag, honoring his choices isn't going to feel so noble."

"So what do you suggest? We throw a grown ass man over our shoulders and drag him home?"

"You go try to talk to him, where he can't dodge phone calls or hide behind the distance."

"What if you're wrong?"

"Then you get a nice trip to Bolivia. Have fun- but do you really think I'd be doing all of this for a man I divorced if I thought that were true?"

"You keep saying 'you'," Will stops her, "like you aren't involved in this, too."

Silent tears begin welling up despite Hailey's best efforts, and they spill over when she tries to blink them away. She pulls her sleeve over her hand and swipes them away in frustration. "I can't..." See him. Relive everything without finally falling apart herself. Be the tough love he needs when she would do anything- including watching him go to Bolivia in the first place, including watching him stay again- if he looked in her eyes and asked for it. "I can't."

"I wouldn't go without you." Will shakes his head. "If we really did this- if I left Natalie and Owen to go check up on him, I'm not getting all the way to La Paz just for Jay to look at me and ask, 'where's Hailey?'"

"He doesn't want to talk to me."

"I thought we weren't honoring his choices."

Instinctively, Hailey's hand ghosts across her side. The gunshot wound still stings. All her life, she has been hurt when she was only trying to help. What began as violence at home conditioned her to accept the pain of other people's burdens. Jay needs help, but she can't survive much more in the name of giving it if she ever wants to be able to put herself back together. Seeing him, looking into his eyes and watching him walk away again- that would hurt her more than a bullet.

It was only supposed to be Will. She is quiet for a few long seconds, her gaze fixed down and her hand slowly swiping along her scarred side. Maybe Will notices, maybe he doesn't. He doesn't have time to say anything either way before the front door opens, and Natalie walks inside.

"Oh." She stands up straight when she spots Hailey sitting in the living room. "Just when I thought this day had run out of surprises." Natalie speaks slowly as she studies their flushed faces and rigid postures. "It's good to see you, Hailey."

Hailey forces her most convincing smile. "You, too."

Will blows out a long sigh and scratches at his brow with his thumb. A heavy silence weighs down the room. "How was work?"

"Fine," Natalie answers. "Busy." Her gaze darts between the two of them. "I'm interrupting something." She states the apparent. Neither answer her, so she kicks off her shoes and offers a tight smile. "Right. I'll leave you to whatever this is. Hailey, will you be staying tonight?"

"-No."

"-Yes." Will cocks his head, urging her to accept this. "You're family," he says evenly. "If you're staying in Seattle, then you're staying here."

"I'm going to shower, then I'll make up the guest bedroom." Natalie settles the debate. "It's yours for as long or short a time as you want it."

"Thank you. I won't bother you for long," Hailey promises.

"Not a bother at all." Natalie shifts her attention to Will and finishes with, "just remember Owen's bus drops him off in ten minutes." A non-negotiable request to wrap this up or take it somewhere else before he gets home from school.

"I got it," Will assures. Once Natalie is out of the room, he rubs his hands over his face again. Slower, in resignation more than frustration. "I'd have to talk to her before we make any decisions."

"Of course."

"So let's just let this lie for now. We'll come back to it."

"Okay."

They drop the topic, but it never really drops for Will. Hailey watches him carry it. Sometimes all it takes is one card falling to bring the whole house down. She was that falling card. She watches Will walk away from the conversation with the understanding that Jay really might not be okay- and once you know someone you love is struggling, every thought finds its way back to them until they are all you can think about.

Hailey knows all too well.

She sees it in Will's empty smile when Owen comes home and talks about his day at school, like every story is digging up memories of a shared boyhood. She sees it when they sit down to dinner and, whether he realizes it or not, Will adjusts the one empty chair at the table. She sees it when he looks at Natalie and his face falls, like Will is finally understanding everything Jay lost.

Moment by moment, Hailey watches Will be consumed by the realization that his brother is not okay until he is knocking on the guest room door at 5:30am looking like he didn't sleep a wink.

"Let's go," he agrees.

***

Hailey shakes in her seat. Her leg bounces, her eyes shift. One unexpected jolt, and she is sure she'd hit the ceiling. The plane tilts upwards, carrying them away from Seattle.

Will puts his hand on top of hers that grips the armrest for a brief second, and he raises his eyebrows at her when she whips her head in his direction. "I didn't realize you're a nervous flyer."

"I don't care what science says, humans belong on the ground."

He chuckles. "I wish I had known. I would have prescribed you Xanax or something."

"You're assuming I don't already have it."

"Fair enough. Take it," he shrugs. "We've got a long flight. It might help you get some sleep."

"Yeah," she says dismissively, but she never takes it. It's so much more than flying jitters. Even if they still have well over ten hours until they land and even if she doesn't see Jay for another ten after that, Hailey won't risk dulling anything she feels. Emotions, instincts are all she has to get herself through this, and he's good enough at disarming them all on his own.

She stares out the window as cities beneath them blur into brown and green swatches from almost 40,000 feet up. Then everything is blue as they make their way over the Pacific. Hailey passes a couple of hours like this. Call it an unintended talent from a rough childhood- she can shut everything out and sit in solemn, silent, undisruptive nothingness. She sits and stares at the window while Will absentmindedly watches a movie, flight attendants pass through the aisles, a baby cries a few rows back, and other passengers step around each other, leaning into her space. It's like she isn't there.

After a few hours, her muscles go tight. The stiffness in her legs is expected, but the dull ache in her side catches her by surprise. Hailey leans awkwardly and presses her fingers to her scar to ease the soreness.

"Are you ever going to tell me what happened there?"

Will notices, because of course he does. He was probably diagnosing her the moment her hand ghosted over the spot yesterday.

"Gunshot," she answers. No point in hiding anything anymore.

He shuts the movie off and turns in his seat. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Bad case," Hailey explains simply. "It was a through and through. I'm fine."

"How long ago?"

"A few months."

"Hailey."

"A month," she corrects, "and a few days. Don't worry, the surgeons at Med found a way to function without you. I was patched up, and I'm fine."

"Does Jay know?"

"Nope."

He nods slowly. It's tiresome to watch the same expressions fall on people's faces when they learn snippets of how her life has been for the past year and a half. Will at least has the composure to hide the pity quickly. His throat tightens when he swallows thickly. A beat, then two. "Why are you doing all this for him?"

"I wasn't planning on doing this at all."

"Okay, but you still showed up in Seattle."

Hailey bites at her cheek. The words are always there, simmering under her skin, burning with everything she lost. Hailey can leave Intelligence, leave Chicago, try to outrun it all, but can't outrun something that is part of her. Jay is part of her. She promised him as much before she even took her vows. His life, her life- they're connected, even if they aren't lived together.

Hailey doesn't have to do this. She could land in La Paz, turn around, get on the next plane out, and be back home by tomorrow. Except, where is home? And why the hell would she make promises if not to show up for him when he needs it most? So the words always stay a breath away, burning.

Will knows, because of course he does. "You love him."

The words sound so simple coming from someone else. "Everyone expects me to be able to just turn that off," Hailey whispers. "Like the second he left, I should have been able to just wash my hands of him and move on. Tell me, if Natalie left today and did everything Jay did, yet you knew she was struggling, would you stop loving her?"

Will doesn't think more than a second. "No, I'd be doing exactly what you're doing."

"It's easy for everyone to have an opinion from the outside. I'm not flying into some fairytale ending. I get that. I know he needs help, and I can't move forward without trying."

Will puts his hand over hers again. Hailey didn't realize she still was gripping the armrest. Tense is her baseline right now. He squeezes her fingers until she relaxes, and Will flashes a sad smile- maybe his only smile through this whole ordeal. "We'll try."

The plane touches down in La Paz several hours later. It's early October, the end of the rainy season. A steady shower falls as they disembark and make their way through customs. Raindrops race across the cab window on the bumpy, winding drive from the airport to the neighborhood where Jay lives.

Dark clouds hang low above their heads, as if the skies know everything that is brewing. It's the closest she has been to Jay in a year and a half. For months after he left, she saw him in strangers' faces in Chicago. In the district, in the grocery store, at the gym, at their favorite restaurant- everywhere he should have been. He was never there.

He could be here. Jay could be around any corner, an arm's length away at any moment. It feels heavy, all-consuming, and dark like the clouds that seem to push closer and closer each minute.

Nothing is okay. Hailey feels it. Will keeps up appearances and paints on the same reassuring smile when he leaves her in her hotel room to go find Jay first, but it doesn't last long.

He returns less than an hour later. The light in his eyes is gone, reduced to emptiness. He works his hand over his jaw as he hands in her hotel doorway with every bit of optimism drained from his body. "He's, uh- he's not coming back," Will rasps. "I didn't tell him you were here, so you should do whatever is best for you. I'm sorry I pressured you so hard to come." He takes a step away from her room and towards his own. "I need to check in on Owen and talk to Nat. I'll be in my room."

Then he's gone. It's up to her.

Hailey's decision was made when she got on the plane, so she pulls on her shoes and throws her hood over her head. The rain beats down on her and puddles wet the bottom of her jeans on the short walk from the hotel to the address Will gave her. Nighttime is setting in. The last bits of sunlight disappear behind the mountains, and street lights are turning on, reflecting against the water on the ground in yellow ripples.

Jay lives in a small building a few blocks from base. His apartment is a blue two-story complex on top of a hill. Hailey can see it from down the block, and she puts her head down to keep the water out of her face as she gets closer. He lives in apartment 6. The closest unit on the ground floor.

Not that she truly could, but Hailey doesn’t have time to prepare to knock on this door. From the edge of the driveway, she sees him. There is no happiness or anger at first glance. Only stunned silence. Jay sits on a plastic chair on the front porch. His posture is dejected, and the glow of a cigarette in his mouth flashes orange. His hair and face are clean-cut in military precision, but his skin is sallow. Eyes cast down. Shoulders weak and dropped low. Everything goes silent when she sees just how unrecognizable he looks. The rain, the wind, the sounds of the city- they all disappear as Hailey stops in her tracks and stares.

This is not a Jay she has ever known. The bullet in her side hurt. Watching him walk away again would have hurt more. Seeing him like this... this hurts the most. Never once did she imagine her first sight of him in a year and a half would be a Jay she can't help, and that the only thing she can do for him is to admit that she doesn't know what to do for him at all.

Hailey takes a few slow steps towards him with her arms wrapped tight around her body. Tears are trickling down her face, and she doesn't even try to stop them. More would take their place in seconds. Jay tosses the cigarette butt into the parking lot and reaches for a beer bottle sitting on the table next to him.

Her foot scrapes against an uneven dip in the pavement, and he looks up with the bottle hovering at his lips. He squints through the rain, but the way his whole body seizes up tells her he knows exactly who he sees. "Hailey?"

God, even his voice is different. Her name on his tongue used to be her favorite sound. It's not the dark circles under his eyes that scare her most, nor the way his clothes hang from his skin and bones frame. It's something deeper, something lost and broken and hollow from the inside out.

She takes a deep, gasping breath as tears flow steadily down her cheeks now. Hailey steps under the patio cover in front of him, and she focuses on a gold chain hanging from his neck so she doesn't have to look into his eyes.

"Hailey-"

"No," she interrupts him. She can't hear her name from that voice anymore if she is going to get through this. "Jay, you need to get help."

"I'm sorry-"

"Stop. We're not doing that right now." His chair scrapes against the concrete as he pushes to stand, so she takes a step back. "Stop."

Jay stops, but sits forward in his chair and dips his head to see her. She shifts her gaze down to his feet. "Can you look at me?"

Hailey shakes her head. She hasn't looked in his eyes once because if she did, she would still find the good times. Hailey remembers the way his eyebrow quirked up when she recited her vows, as if he was looking at her and seeing their future unfurl in front of him too. She would see the way they shined when he laughed hard. She would see their home, their promises, the careers they built, the children they planned to have.

She can't look at him, so she steps forward and takes his face in her hands. She presses her lips to his hairline, water and tears slipping along their skin. "I don't know what else to do for you."

He starts reaching out for her, but she steps farther back before he can touch her. "I need to move forward, and I want that for you, too. You can make it to the other side of this. I know you can. Please, Jay." She presses one last, fleeting kiss to the top of his head. "Get home and get help." Then she turns away.

Hailey retreats down the driveway and wipes her tears. She never looks in his eyes. When she gets back to the hotel, she packs her bag, texts Will, gets in a cab, rides to the airport, and buys the first ticket she can out of here.

#this is too good!!!!#i need MORE #I know you're struggling but I definitely would read this story!!!!!!#upstead fanfiction

29 notes · View notes