myxoedema-blog

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badweird feelings

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An Idea of how a week should generally go.

January: Focus on sleep schedule, meditation, studying and cleaning. 

Every day: sleep/wake up on time. Meditation x2 a day. Studying.

Specific days of the week: Cleaning!!! + Reflection coffeeshop day.

Friday: Dishwashing + laundry + clean disk + BUY FOOD for weekend!

Saturday: Clean toilet + organize bed room + more laundry. (This day also leave apartment and go chill at coffeeshop for studying + reading) 

Sunday: Sweep floors. Pick 1 floor and wipe it clean. Kitchen counter. 

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2019 RESOLUTIONS

For 2019, my goals are fucking simple: 

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- Regulate sleep. (10 to 4?) 

- Meditate. (x2 a day eventually)

- Exercise. (Start after paeds rotation. Begin with x2 a week. Mix between swimming, classes and weight lifting. I wanna pick up cycling at some point too but thats for later) 

- Read. (10 books in 2019)

- Thrive in medical school. (Exact definition of thrive: Set realistic studying/reading goals and manage to achieve them on a day-to-day basis). Be more goal oriented rather than result oriented.

- Platinum Kingdom hearts 3.

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1- Beat mental resistance. It is basically fear mixed with perfectionism mixed with anxiety. It is a monster that rears its head when I try to study, work on a project or attempt to draw. It IS my biggest enemy right now and is capable of rendering me powerless for DAYS on end. (keep it small and simple and achievable) + (Good enough is good enough)

2- Beat the OCD that is triggered when I start exercising. I have to stop ruining the gym and fitness and exercising for myself. I need to learn to exercise and seek improvement without holding myself to an impossible standard. Also if I can turn exercise into a social thing that would be GREAT.

3- Free myself from weed. I am absolutely and completely dependant on weed to feel good and think good thoughts. I have to gradually ween myself off of weed and find a way to enjoy life and be mentally sane and productive without weed. I will do this by exercising regularly, meditating, organizing my life and having good quality sleep 

4- READ MORE: 10 books in 2019.

5- Acknowledge my own limitations. Taking on too many objectives at once is a recipe for failure. Keep it simple and achievable.

6- DO NOT ISOLATE. Reach out, reach out, reach out!!! reach out to at least 3 people a day via text.

7- GET OUT MORE. Once every week: wake up in the morning and go for a coffeeshop. Do some writing and reflecting. Analyze your life and re-affirm your goals and aspirations.

8- The “ANYTHING IS BETTER THEN NOTHING” principle. Any therapy is better than no therapy. Any exercise is better than no exercise. Any studying is better than no studying, Learn to embrace grey areas and ditch black-and-white thinking.

9- REGULAR APARTMENT CLEANING. Assign specific tasks to specific days and turn cleaning your apartment into a habit. 

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LOOKING BACK ON 2018

31/12/2018

Its the final day of 2018. Before I talk about my resolutions, goals and aspirations. I would first like to reflect on 2018. I wanna figure out what went wrong and what went right and what lessons I can learn from it. It was definitely a mixed bag of a year. Neither good nor bad overall. 

IC3:

2018 was rough. I remember starting IC3 with a strong motivation to get my shit together. I had just finished IC2, which I had survived using a mind-fucking combination of Ritalin and weed. My brain felt fried. I felt helpless without drugs. From that moment on, I resolved to stop using Ritalin and depend solely on my sober brain to study. I felt helpless and weak. My mental health was shit. I started exercising 3 times a week: Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. My body actually got really hot towards the end, but a certain obsession with how one of my shoulders is higher than the other completely ruined it for me and made the gym a source of depression. I remember going back home after the gym and crying my heart out because my body is asymmetrical and I will never look the way I want to look. I smoked weed almost every night and it was the only thing holding me together at the time. Everything was under control until I had to stop preparing for the USMLEs, and thats where things started to go downhill. I simply was nowhere NEAR ready to take on a challenge as big as the USMLE. Not with having recently stopped taking mental stimulants, not with being barely held together with weed. Still, I resolved to take that exam. I planned and I planned and I tried my best to fit in some Pathoma studying in between my IC3 work. I even passed my diagnostic. I got through the first 2 thirds of that semester just fine. 

Then I started my medical research component. It threw me off balance. The nature of the work was not straightforward and quantifiable. No, it needed a lot of background research and emails back and forth and learning a completely new statistics program. I hated it. On top of that, I had decided to stop smoking weed. I know I had a problem. I was too dependant on it. Two days without it were enough render me completely numb and devoid of motivation. My attempts to quit failed. No, they backfired. I fell behind on my research work, I stopped exercising and I stopped studying for the USMLE. At that point, I also had to start studying for my long case exam. I refused to cut back on my work load and admit that I cant do it all. I can work on my research AND study for my long case AND study for USMLE. I just didnt know how to handle the situation because my depression kept getting worse and worse and soon enough I couldn't even leave the bed. 

I barely managed to get my research assignment done. By then, I had only 1 week to prepare for my long case. I wasted 5 of those helpless and depressed in bed. I should have reached out, should have screamed for help. But I didn't. Day number 6 I agreed to meet with Malak so that we can study together. I made the stupid mistake of taking LSD before meeting her because I thought it would give me some kind of focus and energy. Im not going to go into too much details but I ended up having a BAD trip in the college library and I had to ask Malak to escort me home. I spent 12 hours of HELL on my couch that day.

After my bad trip I woke up the next day. I met with malak again in the library (this time sober). We went through as many cases as we could. The following day was the exam. I did terrible. I ended up passing with a 50%. I would not have passed if it wasnt for malak. My case was a seizure and I wouldnt have known how to take a seizure history if she hadnt explained it to me. Anyways, Thats how the semester ended, on a very depressing note.

SUMMER VACATION: 

The idea for my summer vacation was simple: Stop smoking weed, start taking anti-depressants, study for USMLE and get my jaw surgery done. What happened was: The anti-depressants fucked me up. They made my depression worse, I slept all day. I did NOTHING for an entire month (June). After June I realised Its too late for me to starts studying for the USMLEs so I decided not to take the exam. I also stopped taking the anti-depressants as I felt like they were useless. Additionally, the surgeon decided that my teeth werent ready and so I couldnt even get my surgery done. I wanted to go back to Saudi but my passport, which I had mailed to get my Irish visa renewed had somehow gotten lost and I only got it back much later then intended so I couldn’t go back. I ended up going on a 10-day trip to Ibiza, Spain with a bunch of my friends where we drank a lot, smoked a lot of weed and did a LOT of drugs. It was fun, liberating almost.

And that was it. Then SC1 started and so far I did great in my OBS/GYN rotation and not so well in my GP rotation. I still have a chance to turn things around. To take my life into a new direction. To find success and happiness. I just need to carefully analyse the past and learn from my mistakes. 

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SC1 Summary 2: GP

GP rotation was a bumpy ride. The nature of the portfolio assignments meant that I couldn't quantify them or accurately measure my progress as I was doing them since a lot of it is background reading and research. It really was a huge challenge for me and It threw me off balance for the first couple of weeks. 

At that time, I was also not accepted into any of the collaborative agreement elective positions I applied for, which meant I had to start looking for electives. 

I was overwhelmed and discouraged when I realised almost none of the U.S hospitals accepted students with no USMLE score. It took me a while to decide that the US can fuck itself, and started looking for electives somewhere else. 

I decided to look for electives in the U.K, Australia and New zealand. Eventually, I secured a 4-week elective in orthopaedics with the university of sydney, Australia.

Here’s how I dealt with the challenges of GP: 

1- I embraced the “good enough is good enough” principle to deal with my paralysing and self-destructive perfectionism. 

2- I forced myself to be make quick, concrete decisions. Its better to make a wrong decision than to make none at all and be stuck in limbo.. The decision to ditch the U.S and go for Australia. The decision to choose CBT as my EBM task topic or the decision to make shit up for my reflective and palliative assignments. I was decisive as fuck and I liked that about myself

3- There was a period where I woke up everyday at 4AM. Showered and brushed teeth and had tea. Then immediately started working on portfolio. That hour and a half before of work before starting the day proved to be the most productive time of all. I stopped taking naps since I had my work done by the time I got back home and it gave me time to cool down before going to bed. 

4- I barely did any studying because weed and monster hunter world but also because my brain just couldnt handle doing the portfolio, attending my GP clinic AND studying the GP book.

5- Towards the end I started smoking too much weed and playing too much video games. I also fucked up the waking up at 4AM sleeping thing because I went out clubbing with my friends, and honestly I never recovered from that. This is a actually a recurring theme in my life and next semester I will make sure that never happens again.

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SC1 Summary 1: OBS/GYN

So here is a summary of how my first rotation in SC1 went by and how I managed to survive it: 

1- Wake up at 6AM everyday. 

2- Study at least 1 lecture a day. 

3- Smoked weed on friday and Saturday nights only. This was easy because I spent my week days in Drogheda in a hotel away from my apartment. 

4- I abandoned the idea of exercise in favour of a more study-focused day. I did not exercise at all during this rotation. I remember looking at my body in the mirror in the hotel bathroom and feeling like shit. 

5- I embraced taking naps. I took a nap when I came home from the hospital every day. when I woke up from the nap I would make myself tea and get started on studying immediately. 

6- My diet was pretty crap. 

7- I did not go clubbing. Not even once. I would hang out with my friends sometimes, but leave early before they get ready to go to the club. 

8- I did smoke weed mid-week during the 7th and last week to help me figure out how best to study for my OSCEs. It helped me focus on the most important things only and lessen the load I put on myself. 

9- I carried my sketchbook to the hotel with me. I gave myself 20-minute drawing bursts once per day. I managed to get 3 very good drawings done. I should learn from this and implement it more from the future. 

It was not a perfect rotation all in all. But Im very happy with how I performed in it. I was consistent, and when was kind to myself on my bad day, of which I had many. I tried my best to be proactive and productive and things just seemed to work. I did NOT end up studying all the lectures, there just was not enough time, but I got through most of them and I even did the important ones twice. 

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Zig Zagging

30/12/2018

Here it is, the end of 2018. Here is what happened over the last few days. 

26 December: Got high and felt happy and thought I was finally gonna get my shit together. 

27 December: Organised my apartment and unpacked my bags. I went out walking too. Towards 3-4pm I started shutting down. My brain refused to do shit and I ended up  taking a nap that destroyed the whole day. When I woke up, I ended up hanging out with 2 of my friends. We went to 3 different club. I did not smoke or drink, which I was proud of. We got back and watched a movie at my friends place then I went back home and slept at around 3.

28 December: Woke up stuck in bed. I felt that familiar feeling of being stuck in a box, of being completely numb, of not knowing who I am and where I am and where I want to do. It was depression at its finest. and It got me good. This day was completely wasted with naps and staying in bed watching youtube vids and jerking off. I hated myself. 

29 December: Not exactly an upgrade. Same thing basically. Super tired, super depressed. But I decided to do something about it at the end and hit a reset button by getting high. I made myself weed soup. I got high. I resolved to brush my teeth and shower the minute I wake up and the immediately take myself out of the apartment for the entire day.

30 December: Here I am. Writing this from a comfy couch in my favorite coffee shop in Dublin City while sipping on a matcha latte. They make the best matcha lattes here and now its even available with soy milk! Anyways. I did what I promised myself to do. I woke up, I brushed my teeth and showered and fed myself then took myself out of the apartment. Im proud of myself. Today may not be productive study-wise. But my mental health is in desperate need of some resuscitation and a time out of my place is the best way to do this. Im going to spend the day reading Vengeful  (A novel), and glossing over a japanese language learning book they have here in the cafe, and perhaps ill write more too. I’ll write until things make a little more sense in my head. Finally, at the end of today im going to meet Malak and her sister and we’re gonna go see bohemian rhapsody. Hopefully I wont get back home until 10pm, and then I will immediately start a night-time ritual to prepare for bed. WISH ME LUCK!!

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HIGH

26/12/2018

Salvation comes in the form of weed soup. God bless this feeling and this emotional liberation. This simple and transcendental beauty. The way it makes me feel like there is yet hope for me. Some prize I get at the end of the line for working hard enough and suffering long enough. 

I spend so much time trying not to smoke weed. Because it makes me feel too good. So good that nothing else matters. So good I question the point of achieving anything when I know it will never measure up to the feeling you get by lighting a joint.

Weed is the light at the end of the tunnel. The thing that makes every experience magical and meaningful. It makes me like my friends. It makes me like myself. It gives life taste. It makes me see color. True color.

If only I could palate life and people and things that way without it. I wish I could show interest, passion or love towards anything and anybody without it. 

I cannot live without weed. Without it I crumble like dried leaves. I lose myself and my perspective and every reason I ever had for living. I run away from weed like a mad man in fear of dependency. Of it controlling my life, But it doesnt control anything. It just makes everything so much fucking better and it is reality’s fault for being so goddamn depressing and exhausting. 

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MISERY

25/12/2018

Merry fucking christmas I guess. I cant open my fucking mouth. I cant eat, I can barely speak. My mouth hurts and I wanna punch someone in the face. Here is a list of everything thats making me miserable at the moment:

1- I barely did any studying recently

2- Im gonna have to go through almost the entire paediatrics rotation with my jaws freaking closed. 

3- there is a weird bruise spot on my sternum that appeared out of nowhere and its making me feel very ugly and depressed. 

4- I got a really bad haircut yesterday I wanna slit the stupid ugly barber bitch’s throat and chop his body into pieces im so angry

5- My stomach is fucking KILLING ME. Im either dealing with diarrhea or im farting my ass off whenever I eat ANYTHING I dont even know what fucking going on but its NOT COOL.

I just feel like shit, and I have no idea how im going to survive the next 6 weeks, let alone thrive and do well in college. Someone pray for me please.

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PRESSURE

22/12/2018

Im feeling pressure. Im doing my best to get some studying done and also take care of myself. Studying the GP textbook is a major pain in the ass, I keep thinking that whatever im studying now wont even matter when it comes to the finals. This type of thinking is not helpful and Im trying to ignore it. 

I resorted to doing my own summary of each topic, its the only way I could make sense of things. Im skipping past a lot of the bullshit, I hope it works. 

I covered most of the major cardiovascular topics today, im happy with that. 

REMINDER TO MYSELF: no more making smoothies!! I made myself a smoothie for breakfast this morning and my digestive system has been paying for it ever sense. Gave me major diarrhoea and im still farting my ass off. What the fuck?

I also had difficulty sleeping last night which made me take a nap today. My sleeping is getting a bit messed up but thats just something im gonna have to deal with/fix later when I dont have to say ELEVATED while sleeping. 

Im feeling slightly anxious and rushed and it even shows in my writing. I need to take a minute to breathe, take things slow, and remind myself that Im doing an alright job.

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A Decent Day

21/12/2018 -10PM.

I had my big operation. I woke up with a swollen mouth and a swollen eye for some weird reason. I was able to speak immediately after. I stayed in the hospital for day. I spent that day sleeping, watching law & order with my dad, reading and playing Cuphead. 

I was discharged today at around 10AM. Between the antibiotic course, pain killers, salt wash, mouth wash, ice packs and having to plan a chewing-fee diet, I was overwhelmed. 

I made it through the day, however. We went to the pharmacy, and then shopping at the supermarket. I got back home and brushed my teeth (extremely painful and full of blood) and took a shower. We skyped my mom. I made broccoli soup. It was my first time making soup but it turned out alright. 

After I made the soup I was hit with major diarrhea. My poop was jet black from all the blood I swallowed. I was stuck in the toilet for the better part of 2 hours. I was supposed to study and install a digital painting software on my laptop but now there’s no time. I did manage to clean the kitchen area and wash all the dishes, though which is really good.

Overall, Im surprised by the amount of energy I have post-operation. I havent taken a nap since 8AM. I am very happy with how this day went down. Even though I didn't get to study, Im hopeful ill manage to put in a good amount of work tomorrow and the days after. It was a good day.

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Progress report

19/12/2018

The past 2 days have been relatively productive. My head is not very clear at the moment. I cant seem to recall much actually. I did go out swimming yesterday. I also hung out with a bunch of people I dont normally hang out with. We played super smash brothers on Switch and ate pizza. It was simple, different and fun. I saw my therapist and we had a productive session. I washed the dishes and cleaned the bathroom floor. 

Whats next? 

I packed my bags and moved to my sister’s apartment. My dad just arrived from Saudi. Its going to be just me and him for the upcoming week. Im getting surgery on my lower jaw tomorrow. Its a major shift and a lot is happening at the moment I suppose. But it feels like my life is moving forward and its kinda nice. I really need to double in on my studying though. I will not get another chance to study for my GP exams. 

UPDATE: 

I beat mental resistance today and managed to put in an hour and a half of studying dermatology and finally finished the second lecture!!! Im so proud of myself and very very happy :D

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Revelations

17/12/2018 - 00:18AM 

I am stoned right now. I wasn't supposed to be but I am anyways. I have come to an important conclusion about myself: I cannot stop myself from smoking weed when offered to me by friends. I just cannot say no in front of all of them. I dont want them to know how hard Im trying to get my shit together. I dont want them to know I struggle with doing the simplest things and that I cant both smoke weed and have self-discipline at the same time. 

I have therefore come up with the following resolution: No more hanging out with these people. I dont care if they’re the only friends I have. If they’re not willing to do something that doesnt involve smoking weed or doing drugs or staying up late at night then its time for me to find other people. 

Maybe its my fault for not having self control but at the moment I just need to admit my weaknesses and find ways to bypass them until im strong enough to face them. I will take care of myself by keeping a healthy distance from anyone that doesn’t help steer my life in the right direction. I love them. I really do. I have the best time with them. I just cant see myself moving forward with them constantly breaking whatever momentum I manage to build up. Im tired of starting over.

Here is a list of all the good things I did today: 

1- I organized my apartment. 

2- I studied in 2 separate sessions. I even studied dermatology the day immediately after I went out clubbing which I dont normally do!! Im confident ill be able to finish dermatology within the next 2 days which is very good progress. 

3- I went out walking to get my food instead of ordering it online. 

4- I reorganized my closet!!! I put the donation clothes in a donation bag. I put summer clother away as well. I found clothes I havent worn in AGES and now I can wear them again!

5- I brushed my teeth and I took showers. 

6- I skyped my friend. 

I have so much hope for myself. I believe in myself and in my abilities. I wouldn't be making these sacrifices if I didn't know I was capable of becoming more.

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Wrong Choices

 15/12/2018

I made the wrong choice yesterday. I smoked weed, I drank alcohol and I went out to a club with my friends. After that I texted keith and he came over and we smoked weed and made out and he wanted to fuck me without a condom and I had to stop him repeatedly. We slept together and he set the alarm early and kept ringing and he kept putting on snooze. Eventually I snapped and kicked him the fuck out. He took my fucking charger with him. Also, he kept hinting at how much he loved me and was willing to fight guys for me and shit. Overall I realized that he’s fucking boring and he needs to go. 

I was supposed to stop smoking weed and playing video games. Clearly I didnt stick to the script. Im having a really hard time finding the balance between discipline and flexibility. I never know whether im doing too much or not enough. 

All I want to do is have a good body, make good art, and do good in college. I want to excel at what I do. I want to be hard working, kickass and I want to be recognised. I want to be seen. The road towards becoming that person is tricky and requires some really hard sacrifices. 

The friends I keep around me. I wonder if they’re helping me get to that goal of if they’re holding me back. Am I surrounding myself with the right people? Why does it feel like the only way to get to where I want to be is by shutting people off? I dont want to do that. I want to keep my friends but honestly, I cant afford to do drugs and go out clubbing anymore. It throws me off my game and gives my depression strength. Its fucking hard for me to recover from a night out and its hard for them to understand it.

So, what do I do? Weed cleanse, definitely. Videogame cleanse? I dont know about that, honestly. I really want to learn moderation. I need to stop being so extreme. I have to take things slow and easy for this to work.  

Ok. Ok. Hear me out!!! Lets take a break from video games for these 5 days only. On these days we focus on studying derm & GP summary. (10 pages a day + 1 GP subject. 5 hours total?). I wanna do SOME kind of exercise. Maybe ill go to the Markievicz for a Gym & swim session one or two times. I could ask Sinan out for a squash session? and do some drawing.

I want you to think REPLACEMENTS REPLACEMENTS REPLACEMENTS. Do not quit a habit unless you’re willing to supply yourself with an alternative. You cant just leave yourself hanging. 

OK SO FOR THE NEXT 4 DAYS: 

- Studying. 

- Exercising (2 days)

- Drawing (3 days) 

- Cleaning!! (To fill the time) 

- Planning and re-affirming my goals. JUST KEEP REMINDING YOURSELF OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT TO ACHIEVE.

If you feel bored or stuck, either clean or sketch or go out for a walk to clear your head. 

I need to dedicate 2 days of every week as “Feedback days”. Days were I sit down, read everything I wrote on my journal, reflect on past events and make decisions in order to improve my life.

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Putting my thoughts back together

14/12/2018 

The first semester of my fourth year in med school has finally ended. I survived. I managed to meet the demand of obstetrics and gynaecology and wrote my general practice portfolio to the best of my abilities. I managed to secure myself an elective in australia. I kept up with my psychotherapy sessions. I made time for my friends and sister. I tried my goddamn best and I regret nothing. 

However, towards the end I started to slightly deflate. My energy levels shot down and I started playing more video games and smoking too much weed. I can smell a depressive episode making its way to me. I will not succumb. I know exactly what I need to do. I know exactly the person I need to become in order to overcome this. Its only a challenge that is there for me to prove myself.

Im going to start taking small, gradual steps towards becoming the person I want to be. I want to work hard. Be passionate. I want to exercise and make art and study my ass off and show talent and innovation and fucking live life to its fullest. I will not give up and be average. I dont care what I have to sacrifice but I will become the best of the best, regardless of what I choose to do.

1- A break from weed and jerking off. I will balance this by allowing myself to play PS4 at the end of the day as a reward. 

2- Plan regular sex. once every week or two weeks is NOT asking too much.

3- EXERCISE. I know its difficult for me to stick to exercise when its not regular. Im a go big or go home person. But I need to be more flexible then this. If the only exercise I can do is once a week then once a week is enough. However, If I manage to find little pockets of space, I try to fill them with exercise. (Swimming once a week, yoga, climbing, squash, gym, CYCLING). 

3- Draw as much as you can. Make it easy and manageable by doing it in 20 min spurts or 1 hour a day of digital. Plan times for watching vids and learning and times for actual drawing. Go to art classes and groups to motivate yourself, get some social interaction and get advice from experts.

4- A regular sleeping pattern is the key to all of this. 

5- Study, Study, Study. When it comes to studying, quantity can be just as important as quality. Make this my top priority the minute I wake up everyday. Everything else is after. 

6- Clean my apartment every weekend. Divide specific task for each day. example: do laundry and wash dishes on friday!

7- Improve fashion sense, decorate apartment and learn how to cook good food!

8- start with only 1 or 2 of these points. Only move on to other aspects once you establish them as habits. Start with sleep, study and cleaning.

Good luck, me!

[myxoedema-blog]

AVERAGE

10/12/2018

My academic performance has been described today as average. Average??? 

Im angry. Something needs to change NOW.

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TOO MUCH

10/12/2018

Ive been smoking too much weed and playing too much monster hunter. My productivity and focus are wavering. I need to take back control. Remind myself that I need to be working my ass of to get as high a grade as possible this year.