n0v4r3d

[n0v4r3d]

61/100

09.22.24

Day 61 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

I guess it's not so much a plan anymore as it is staying in the routine. On paper, my life is great. Stability across the board, but once again I'm putting myself through the emotional wringer. I just want to be good. Do good. Stay good. Life doesn't work that way, I know. But all I want is some form of really experiencing the "it will *all* be ok" feeling. Because most of it is. But the parts that aren't are wildly destabilizing. Trying to make sense of things that don't make sense. I feel so completely detached from this place that I feel like I'm living in the Twilight Zone. And the only people here I have familiarity with, I have imaginary beef with. Their little clique is fixated on talking the talk about a certain 12 step program. The one that saved my life. But the fellowship element of even that doesn't feel right here. On the road, it's been great. But here there is such a weird, unsettled feeling about it all. Like, I haven't really been to my old stomps in several months and I'm preemptively mad that I ASSUME they'll think something is amiss. I haven't had the thought of a drink in I don't even know how long. And I'm angry at the hypothetical that people will conflate my absence from specific meetings with the road towards relapse. I literally live my program every day and here I am justifying myself against an imaginary scenario. It's exhausting. It's not normal for me. Anger doesn't come easily or naturally to me and I'm so goddamned resentful of this entire place that I'm just blanket-applying the feeling across the board. And I'm toeing the line between defensiveness and not giving a single fuck, depending on the day/hour/sometimes minute. All I know is that I have a few people I can absolutely rely on who have deep insight into my day to day. And my experience seems to right now be between me and God. I need my program to be my program. I need there to not be baggage associated with it. But it feels like an inevitability that there will always be that baggage with the people who watched me try to get sober and fail and then finally get it. I just need to be gone and really start. Not start over. Just start. I've been ready for awhile. So let's get on with it...

[n0v4r3d]

Day fifty-whatever...

09.19.24

Well, I started the day with what felt like a mild panic attack, was able to calm down over the course of about 90 minutes, had an incredible workout, then cried in the shower. All a part of the 100 day plan...

At least I'm still sober and alive, am I right, guys?

[n0v4r3d]

42/100

09.03.24

Day 42 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Damn, I have really fallen off these past couple of weeks as far as journaling. Honestly, it *feels* like it's because I've been so busy. And I have. But I also haven't taken the time to just spend a few minutes organizing and articulating my thoughts into the digital void. Everything is pretty good. Speed bumps always occur, but there has been nothing that has even come close to derailing me. I feel very good about life overall. And it's nice. Tomorrow is another work trip and I'm not super enthused for the "go go go" feeling of the travel ramp-up, but I know with the right amount of coffee and rest, I'll be just fine. Plus, I get to see my brother! Alright, another decision to have a good day today... until next time... hopefully tomorrow.

[n0v4r3d]

37/100

08.29.24

Day 37 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Once again, nothing profound today. Today is a good day because I choose it to be. I don't always have the luxury of just deciding like this. But today, I feel I can. And so I do...

[n0v4r3d]

36/100

08.28.24

Day 36 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

I won't lie... I'm doing pretty good, but today (and apparently the last few days) I haven't felt compelled to express anything in writing. I'm feeling lightly burned out and my brain is mush. Not in a deeply concerning way, just in a "I came back from an awesome vacation and this is my first week back in my standard routine" way... I dunno... life is good and I genuinely feel fine.

[n0v4r3d]

32/100

08.24.24

Days 24 to 32 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

So it's been a week (and a day) since I journaled. Don't panic. I was very busy. I went on a trip to Seattle. It was more of a spiritual retreat. It's the best I've felt in terms of environment since the day I moved away from there. The most condensed version I can share here is that I belong there. Time to see how everything starts to unfold... but my eyes are open and my spirit is awake.

[n0v4r3d]

23/100

08.15.24

Day 23 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Today is about getting some shit done. Feelin’ pretty decent overall. Some genuine gratitude this morning. Not much to report… hasta mañana.

[n0v4r3d]

22/100

08.14.24

Day 22 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Oh boy. The perfection standard is rearing its head...

All of the "should have/could have/would have" moments of my past are seeping into my thoughts. Regret is a tough thing to live with. And the worst part is that there's no way to outmaneuver accountability.

I've made so many mistakes. I have an inclination to see life on terms of a karmic scale, tipping one way or the other. And as much as I want to pat myself on the back for good deeds and positive developments, the things I wish I could undo still hold the power to derail my optimism.

This morning I woke up telling myself to have a good day. And now, a few hours upon waking, I'm going down the rabbit hole of remorse.

So my only option in this moment is to forgive, to learn, and to keep pushing myself in pursuit of doing better. I believe that these imaginary scales I've conceived can tip in my favor with time. If I continue to lead a good life and let that be the norm over a sustained period, the darkness of my past will exist in the rearview while the promise of tomorrow will serve as the landscape ahead of me.

"Sorry" has become such a trite and meaningless word in my vernacular. I am sorry, but just expressing that with that word alone does not come close to the amount of emotional investment I have in wanting to be able to right all of my wrongs.

I believe in hope. I believe in redemption, rehabilitation, and second chances. And that is my fuel to forge a path into tomorrow.

[n0v4r3d]

21/100

08.13.24

Day 21 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Today is one of those days that just feels "middle of the road," but in a very positive way. Peaceful. No anxiety and no grandeur. Just kind of "is."

For a long time I would pretty rapidly fluctuate between the belief that I was going to do great things or that my entire existence was over. While I maintain the highs of my ambition can yield benefits, they can also lead to intense disappointment when everything stabilizes. And in that quiet, peaceful, "normal," I would descend. Rather than sustain any semblance of peace or contentment in the mundane, I would crash into existential dread that all I do, did, am, or will be was ultimately meaningless. Bounce back, rinse and repeat.

It was al so exhausting. So a day like today, where I can just give my sincere admiration to little things is something I'm grateful for. I can burn myself out so easily at both ends, so it's nice to comfortably sit in the middle, even if it might not last.

[n0v4r3d]

20/100

08.12.24

Day 20 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Today I don't have any profound reflections, wisdom, insight, thoughts, feelings, or lessons. I had a slower start this morning, but it was very pleasant. I'm actually experiencing genuine gratitude lately and it's nice to be able to get through the day and be so happy with what I have versus that hunger for what I want. The truth is that life is going to continue to unfold - both according to plan and in unexpected ways. I just want to continue to remain open and hang onto stability and peace. I know challenges will happen and I won't always feel prepared to meet them. But I keep getting better at responding. I learn something new pretty much every single day. Sometimes, it's just these tiny nuggets of insight or wisdom. And, honestly, that's a much more sustainable pace than an onslaught of revelations. I'm not the man I once was and I do not expect to stay the same. I actively encourage it not to. Lots to look forward to and I'm just going to keep on fighting the good fight. Onward I go.

[n0v4r3d]

19/100

08.11.24

Day 19 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Today I am struggling to ensure that my self care doesn't overlap with selfishness. I've been in such a state of doing the things I feel are best for me that I can take for granted that that doesn't mean it's always about just me. I have duty and responsibility. I don't want to lose sight of that or become overly comfortable with existing in a state of not needing to compromise or self-sacrifice. And I'm not even talking about big ticket items. Just the little things. This morning was a sobering reminder of just how far inward I had ventured - there was no affect on anyone else during my little two month stint. And now I have to remember that re-entering the world and having relationships also means showing up. It's what I want and I think I might have to re-learn some of those practices. I will try to be patient with myself, but I also don't want to forego holding myself to a standard of general goodness. I don't want to be some curmudgeonly hermit. I want to be sociable and dependable and spread the love that has been given to me. I'm so tired of learning lessons with discomfort or regret, but oftentimes, that's the flow. How I react in the moment is something I'm still working on. Distilling thoughts and feelings and being able to respond is critical. I won't always have a day or even an hour to reflect. Sometimes I have to make a decision in the moment and be able to consider the consequences with some semblance of urgency. I believe I can do this and I will strive to be more self-aware and present so that I don't feel so blindsided by life. I'm also probably once again overthinking every tiny little detail. Today's agenda, aside from some chores, is learning to chill the hell out again.

[n0v4r3d]

18/100

08.10.24

Day 18 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Today was a very good day. I am grateful to be present and experience life as it unfolds. That's it. Just a recognition of the good things.

[n0v4r3d]

17/100

08.09.24

Day 17 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

My problems (" ") on this ninth day of August in the year 2024 are all very much first world. What is the impulse of a human being without actual threat of destitution to manufacture the most trivial of world-ending scenarios? Is it a result of the conditioning I'd experienced living in chaos in a past life? This sinking feeling of always waiting for something to go wrong? I don't know. But one thing I used to hate - that I now value immensely - is gently being put in my place. It's the "thanks, I'm cured/just snap out of it" equivalent. It's not always 100% effective. Sometimes, it takes awhile for me to catch up. But in the end, I'm always OK. And if I can end up OK after enduring years of suffering and misery at my own hands, I'm pretty sure I will be OK with my cushy job, strong relationships, and first-world comforts. Seriously, man. Look in the mirror and inventory everything. What's really missing? Because any absence I'm feeling is most certainly spiritual in nature. Day by day I build bigger, better, stronger. A steady pace, not everything all at once. Life is more fun living in hopeful anticipation and excitement. Having things done for me would only create a bigger hole.

So today? I'm grateful. Both in practice and belief. For this is the truth: I have infinitely more to be thankful for than upset about.

Gratitude isn't a cure for biological faulty wiring. Seemingly unprompted emotional lows. But every little thing I do and maintain daily keeps me in a place to manage it and, inevitably with consistent effort, emerge from it. Not everyone who shares my journey has made it this far. Like it or not, "fair" or "unfair," I'm one of the lucky ones.

So I will not take this life for granted and I will act upon my responsibility to all who did not make it to fully capitalize on this. To realize a life worth living. That's my goal because that's my purpose.

[n0v4r3d]

16/100

08.08.24

Day 16 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Routine still solid. Work is fine. Life is good.

Today is a good day and I think I'm cool to just leave it at that.

Just a reminder to never forget what's most important in life.

[n0v4r3d]

15/100

08.07.24

Day 15 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

The man I am today was forged in the fire of pain, suffering, and mistake after mistake. So much of it was unwittingly self-imposed misery. I did what I could with what I had - which is to say from an internal point, not much.

I wasn't born some broken shell. I wasn't a chronic fuck-up. But I certainly could not fathom the depths to which I would one day fall and, worse, could not understand why or how to escape all of it.

I repeated slight variations of the same behaviors over and over again, always expecting a different outcome. My external awareness remained expansive, but my self-awareness was null. I couldn't admit that I was becoming the sum of my screw ups rather than someone with the fortitude and ability to learn and grow.

It took me until my 33rd year to remove alcohol addiction from the equation, but that gave me the clarity to start to explore all of the other stuff that had constantly been numbed and drowned out (literally).

Today, I don't have everything I want. My life isn't where I envision it long term, but I have so much more than I was able to even dream of for years. So, knowing that, I will continue to piece by piece implement the never-ending series of lessons. I will adapt, improvise, learn, and overcome.

Life is weird as shit. It feels like it *should* be simple. But it isn't. We have to counterintuitively work very hard to simplify and distill it.

I'm still getting there.

[n0v4r3d]

14/100

08.06.24

Day 14 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Preventative maintenance.

It’s obviously important to identify problems, issues, obstacles, barriers - however you want to characterize any kind of problem or period of adversity. But progress isn’t only made in correction or amendment.

Equally important is the concept of staying on top of everything when all seems good. This is a difference maker. It can greatly reduce the fluctuations between periods of prosperity and despair. And it takes serious awareness and introspection.

I can’t tell you how many times I believed I was doing this. But exploring and respecting my feelings - no matter how irrational or trivial or unfounded they may seem - keeps me self aware and in tune. And in that space, I can work things through before they truly become problematic.

Maybe all of this sounds a little too “self help-y,” but all I have to offer after 34 years, much of which was chaotic and dark, is my experience. I had to learn every lesson I’ve learned the hard way. And now I aim to soften that. To grow with grace and compassion for myself.

[n0v4r3d]

13/100

08.05.24

Day 13 of 100

THE 100 DAY PLAN

Today? Nothing but some clarity and gratitude. Late start, but feeling happy. I’m excitedly anticipating all of the possibilities… what a difference a day makes.