n2-deep

[n2-deep]

What's Wrong With Me?

What is wrong with me?

Sometimes, I feel like I have no friends.

Or, let me clarify, no real friends. It's not that I don't have pleasant conversations with other people or get invited occasionally to hang out in groups with them. Instead, people only ask to hang out with me because they feel awkward that I'm there when they ask others but don't care about me or my interests.

So it more or less feels like I have a ton of acquaintances—like I have many people who can get on just fine without me in their lives. 

It's hard, too, when you see other people on social media hanging out and sharing happy moments in their friendships or hear stories about what other people did (and quite obviously, you weren't invited to participate). It can feel very isolating and lonely when surrounded by everyone having these fantastic fun times and everyone else being friends.

These and other negative thoughts tend to creep in and magnify whenever I feel down and stressed. But I can manage when I'm in a good mood and have my stress under control.  

This is all not a coincidence: feelings of loneliness often go hand-in-hand with depression (which I have), and it can often be fueled by anxiety (which I also have). I am looking back at my life. I see now that these feelings have always been with me. Never feeling accepted or even wanted. Constantly feeling that you are on the outside looking in is hard. I have read some information on ADD and TBI related to it, but? 

At the end of the day, it has to be me. Something I'm doing.

This is truly a question. I do not want people to feel sorry for me. I want to understand. It is hard to admit my feelings and vulnerability of feeling this way. I have always thought I fit in differently than the charity case. 

I try from time to time to reach out and reconnect and ask "friends" to do something. What I get in return is "we should," but when I try, they have something else going on, or I never hear back. 

Is this all in my head? 

Example: When I was 17. That summer, I was in a pretty bad accident. The truck I was driving rolled five times. My face shattered the window. I was ejected out and was pinned under the truck. I was flown to the hospital. After I was released and got home, I never heard from anyone. No one called to check on me. Nothing like I was forgotten, and we never really reconnected.  

Example 2: I thought I had finally found friends. I was part of something. I had a big group of friends. Within the large group, there was a smaller, closer group. These people were the ones to show me that my marriage was terrible for me. My X had just settled for me, and we had nothing in common. "I just never felt good enough for her or her family. " And she hated my friends. I had a job that I loved, and I got to work with my friends. Then, my closest friend became my boss. Everything I did needed to be better. " It is a whole nother story. " So I quit or was fired depends on who you ask. I walked away from that job "and friends" I felt like an outcast. Not a single one of those people ever came and asked me. Didnt come to see if I was okay. Then, not long after, the girl I was seeing dumped me and replaced me overnight. 

I am leaving out a lot because It hurts to think back and the feelings it reminds me of. I'm not hiding it. I don't know if it is relevant to my overall question. What is wrong with me?

I hope to post this where people I know do not see it. Or where if you do, please don't tell me that you did. I would love to know what I am doing wrong if you have feedback.