nachtnabelle

[nachtnabelle]

post purge/bp relapse is NO JOKE YALL i slept for two days straight and am STILL TIRED. FUCK

[nachtnabelle]

jack of all trades, master of fucking nothing. i set myself up to fail, to disappoint. i will never be good.

[nachtnabelle]

hey, i see your recent posts from a few days ago. i hope you’re feeling a little bit better now. if not, i hope u do soon. our dms and asks r open if u wanna talk. take good care of urself ok?

hi! im sorry, ive been really busy with college prep and then orientation. im here now though

and thank you ☹️ im not sure if i feel all that better, but im doing alright enough. i hope you’re okay too 🙏 (because icl, it is kind of worrying you found my account at all)

i’ll take u up on that offer if i need it ❤️ but u dont need to busy yourself with my woes 🙂‍↔️

take care of yourself too

[nachtnabelle]

you know why.

why am i like this actually why do i refuse to let anyone in

[nachtnabelle]

i give up

[nachtnabelle]

i think im making up for tears i never shed. i wasnt a sensitive child, i never cried easily. i angered, yes, but that was the uglier version of a child brought to tears, the version not idealised. people prefer heartbreak than someone who’d fight back.

i hope i never marry. i hope i never have children. i hope i never get into another relationship. i hope the next time i let someone in, i dont prove my parents right.

[nachtnabelle]

aaaand its ruined for me.

im going to fucking crash out. im so upset. im accused by the internet and by my parents that i dont try to make friends, dont try to connect with people and thats why im friendless. yet everytime i try to connect, try even a smidge to open up and fucking… boom. blows up in my face.

i broke up with my ex because he was homophobic and i had to censor myself constantly around him, not only about anything queer, like alot of other things too but like the unfortunate fact is that queerness is an integral part of my identity.

even so, i know and have been guilty of the whole “dont make everything gay!” thing. how people immediately ship two men when two male characters pop up, etc etc. but right now, right? right now im fucking sensitive about queerness, internalised homophobia ramped up to the goddamn max because of one stupid men and a hundred little microaggressions from my “friends” because in the end we all know im a childish, delusional heretic who needs to grow up and get with the program or fucking kill myself.

case in point, i dont talk about being queer. im as disconnected as can be from my queerness, and therefore from my identity and who i am as a person. ive been having a major identity crisis, realising how deeply unhappy i am and i know its my fault. and every single microaggression? my friend ignoring everytime i say something beyond surface level? other ones going quiet when i mention anything remotely queer? the elephant in the room (me talking about how i know how disgusting i am, etc) being decidedly left out even when i open up to the one person i trust not to hurt me when i speak honestly to them?

that shit fucking hurts. maybe i deserve it. this is my fault. i wronged them and this is karma balancing the scales.

even so, my brother is also queer. he should get it, right? he knows i dont make everything gay, i dont reduce things to simply being funny characters wanna kiss! romance is everything! and all fucking that. he does the same goddamn thing. but when i bring up the queercodedness of a movie we just watched? suddenly its “its only like that if you look at it that way” and “its beautiful because it can mean alot to everyone because its non specific!”

I KNOW. WHO DO YOU THINK I AM? i have never once reduced things to simply being silly little gay people or oooh everything is a queer allegory hehehe. im not a fucking child. im someone who is hurting about my goddamned identity and i have no fucking friends at all and i just realised my trust issues exist for a fucking reason and im trying so fucking hard to trust people anyway and all it does? all it does is send me hurting back.

our parents repeatedly told me to never trust anyone, to never tell anyone anything (aside from them, but they never said a word when i never fucking confided in them) and to never show people my (healed) sh scars (which they never helped me with, just made me cover up). i had anger issues growing up, and now i just hurt myself whenever i get too angry to calm myself down. wonderful, isnt that? now im just ridiculously repressed and had to watch another relationship crumble because i couldnt fucking be honest.

not that i didnt try to be honest! no thats actually the worst part. because i did. i tried. i really did try. and it just blew up in my fucking face.

fuck you. fuck all of you actually. i dont need anyone. i’ll do alone? so be it. i dont need connections. i dont need understanding. i’ll fucking die alone. i can do it on my own.

anyway, my kinlist is very small and are only comprised of characters i really, truly relate to on a deepscale, intrinsic level. not a, oh this characters trait is so relateable! way, but a i feel them in my soul and my bones as if this characters experiences and feelings and life were ripped out of my being and placed onto a screen. unfortunately that means i kin characters like rumi from kpdh

[nachtnabelle]

i am so ridiculously alone

[nachtnabelle]

we broke up

[nachtnabelle]

you know the quote, “i am an amalgamation of everything i have ever loved?”

i feel like that has something to do with why i’ve felt like i havent grown in years. its like… like i stopped loving. i realise now that i probably just need a fresh start and maybe antidepressants.

[nachtnabelle]

you enrage me

[nachtnabelle]

there is something so terrifying about choosing to live

[nachtnabelle]

pros: it would most likely vastly improve my life in a multitude of ways

cons: might get scared

[nachtnabelle]

i liked living within the delusion that i could be loved, normally

[nachtnabelle]

im going to be sick

[nachtnabelle]

loving you shouldnt make me love myself less

[nachtnabelle]

had a fascinating english class that resulted in the notes header “the forcefeminization of victor frankenstein”