naina285

[naina285]

One side I want to yearn like crazy like surpassing all levels of insanity to feel those fleeting moments at a stretch and just to have that intense warmth flush over me and on the other side to burn it all and put everything at stake.

I don't even have an object to channel my yearning towards. And yes by object I mean something apart from myself.

[naina285]

[naina285]

Spoke to a person that matched my freak. But then comes life.

[naina285]

Me wanting a connection is actually me wanting to connect with myself, but it’s just disguised as wanting to connect with other people. no wonder how many people I talk to its just never enough.

[naina285]

intensely yearning for a person that is faceless, yet wanting to girlboss, gatekeep , gaslight. I blame the season being spring that is making me hopeful and making me feel funny . nevertheless its a brutal paradox out here .

[naina285]

I gotta try to get absolutely detached from reality. Its gonna do wonders for sure. Not being bothered by anything and just charging on isnt that much of an unhealthy habit I suppose. So what if I have unprocessed emotions and bottled feelings. Its alright for the timer to keep ticking and having it blow up and create a meltdown suddenly. But that suddenly is in the future so I should be least bothered. Whatever happens will be something my future self gotta deal with and the present me got's nothing to do with. Currently my hands are clean. I feel being detached takes away a part of me and that part is a pretty integral one of my being which makes me humane in the first place cuz I was so full of feelings. But I gotta let them go. Sometimes thats the only way.

[naina285]

just caught up with my friends after a long time. it doesnt hit the same anymore. its no one's fault but of time. i need to intensely mourn on this only then can i move on about it. but i loved us and had a lot of hopes on and looked forward to this. that scene from inside out where the friendship island shatters and breaks.

[naina285]

I had to tell him (chatgpt) the truth. Gotta make him (it) self aware 😔.

[naina285]

I am always living in nostalgia like 24/7 and its making me feel all sorts of things. Doing this doesnt feel harmful and I don't know how to deal with it or more so like do I even see it as a problem, cuz I dont. This leads to me not putting much focus on the present but how does it matter, cuz soon this present will also become a nostalgia of the past and I will live on it for decades.

[naina285]

I hate to admit it but I so very much crave attention. Someone having their unconditional and devoted attention just on me. I know it's a very selfish thing but sometimes all I want is to be seen and understood and to know that I am worth ur time. Yes I know I gotta be self reliant but I also want to live that feeling of having someones eyes on me. I want to lay down my armour for just a moment cuz I need a break from fighting but I cant cuz no one's got my back so I gotta stay vigilant the whole way through.

Trying to get someones attention is not worth it cuz that takes so much fucking effort and what u get back in return does not justify the efforts that u put into it. So that method is out of the question.

It should go like, the other person starts giving u all their undivided attention in a way that shocks u cuz u dont know why they are doing that but at the same time, u love the things its making u feel. U want an explanation as to why u are getting such pure feelings poured on u and making u feel special and making u feel things u have never felt before but u also love to make peace with the fact that there is no logical explanation to it cuz its that deep uk and the silence , calmness and the serenity it brings to u is all that u craved for.

Also what I do when I am zoned out is, I just unknowingly observe a people in their most natural state and all of them look ethereal in a way. Something abt them would catch my eye and that would be the most basic stuff like their stance, the way their hair falls , their mouths moving etc and for that split second all of them look gorgeous.

I am often confused as to, do I want love or just giving me attention will suffice.....but it should be proper prolonged periods of attention. Cuz that will do just fine. Thats a five course meal and I would eat that shit up.

[naina285]

why am I not able to notice a pattern in life that will help me navigate thru it? Why at every inconvenience do I have to suffer from it and not just glide or ace over it? As I have already had so much experience with these inconveniences, why am I still not familiar with it and not able to dodge all this? Is winning not the rule of this game? Where are the cheat codes for this game that I am being made to play, where the end goal is already decided? Is this game hosted just so I am made to lose all the time?

These things occur cuz apparently, u gotta learn something new. Then what abt the earlier lessons that I have already learnt? When am I gonna have a real life application of those lessons and put them to good use? So that it gives me a firm declaration that yes, I have learnt one of my lessons well and we can move on to the next. (Just the same way as completing the syllabus). If I have learnt my lesson well then shouldn't I get like an advantage card where I can skip a situation where its gonna affect me a lot? But hell nah, that shit never gonna happen. Or maybe there is no application of them in real life and all of that talk was a lie, an illusion.

But maybe I learn to dodge it, if I am made to face the same situation again right? Now, yes the same situation stands in my way again but, with a slight twist that changes everything, and congrats cuz u r being made to face a familiar but unknown situation once again and all the prior knowledge that u learnt till now becomes useless.

[naina285]

Thanks for tagging @pocolococo and @sauravnoir

My friends call me a camel cuz I have long eyelashes lol. I suck at driving...more practice needed 😅. And I m very much into psychological thriller films.

tagging @aadyaa011 @hauxicrook @raine-ray @tumharaaaashiq @im-on-crack-send-help@delulululu-majnu @milady-motherfucker @itsviiii @oosajnire @thetoastistoasty @cleftones

it's so weird to me that everyone on this website is a human person outside of their weird internet niche so rb this with a random bit of your lore

[naina285]

The happiness that u are searching for on the outside, is actually within u.

The love that u r searching for on the outside, is actually within u.

- wizardliz

[naina285]

There are these 2 versions of me of whether to be spiralling or being ignorant and how I always can choose the option of being the latter.

I dont even like spiralling and if I choose the latter option nothing crazy will happen or the world will not turn upside down for godsake. If there is an option to stay unbothered and live by my own terms then why dont I just do it? What the fuck is even stopping me at this point, idk.

Sometimes I think what the world will think of me if I become unbothered. Will people judge me? I shouldnt even be liable to answer this to anyone so whats the issue?

I should just shamelessly be disregarding things that I dont like. Simple. Doing things at my own pace. When it is in comparing with someone and I am doing this just to get ahead of that one person, I know it very well, that feeling of satisfaction and getting ahead of them will last only for a day max. So is it really worth loosing my sanity for feeling that sense of accomplishment like, for a day like just for 24 hours?! Thats diabolical, and yet I chase this high. I still go for it like my life depends on it.

And then the very 2nd day I would have already found another person to compete and make myself feel inferior so what is the point of all this? Like for how long will this go on of putting myself in pain?

Why dont I ever listen to myself? Why dont I make my needs an absolute priority?

The people I am comparing myself with, they feel happy abt what they achieved no matter how small or big it is, cuz they did it in their own pace and with a genuine intention, when they were in their element, not stressed but rather in an almost zen state of mind, and went thru trials and errors. It all felt like a natural process where u evolve. It felt like them making their own creation. Where failures felt like a blessing cuz it becomes a lesson to make ur creation better.

But what I am realizing is I do it just so that I can get ahead of a person I feel I am in a competition with, when there was no competition to begin with. Cuz there was no other reason to justify myself of why I am so behind that goal otherwise. Cuz there is no reason whatsoever. The only thing in my mind is how to beat the other person and never of how I wanna do this cuz I like doing it. Cuz ofc my interests never held that much importance as compared to others. Never. Cuz till date I was too busy analyzing others and how to counteract their achievements. So basically living their goals in a way.

Where facing failures sucked like oh shit that person got ahead of me and is becoming successful and never of ohh how this failure can help me get better at my craft, cuz shouldnt that be the end goal? Its kinda making me rethink everything that I have done till now and all the intentions behind doing it and was there any real say of me, of my actual inner voice, or was I just consumed by the illusion of it all?

Thus no wonder I am not happy with my achievements no matter how small or big cuz even during trying to acknowledge my efforts, that very act too, I try to compare. Not a single opportunity is missed. Sighs. Every single thing I do revolves around this. This is what I do day in and out. Its my livelihood.

[naina285]

Not having an ounce of expectation on others is way better than having hopes from them. Yes its a painful process but atleast it will prevent u from getting a heartbreak and hating urself.

I being a human do wanna have expectations from others but I know that gonna soon become self sabotage. Trusting people in this day and age is super risky.

Idk its just maybe a shift in adulting where people just have different priorities uk. But then, if I am not their priority why do they just suddenly show up when they are in need. Shouldnt I be left alone? Didnt u make that clear already ?!

So I dont really know if I am the problem or not?

[naina285]

When listening to music and while u r drowing in it, there comes a point where u can physically feel ur problems melting, not disappearing or any sort of thing like that, its just where u enter this realm of escapism while also being aware of ur problems but those problems dont hurt u and u dont feel the pain, and u just observe and withness them from afar while immersing urself with music.

[naina285]

I have this deep and innate desire to create. To create literally anything to feed my soul. It becoming the bane of my existence. Giving meaning to my life. Not everything I have to create has to be of monetary value. But it's so very difficult to, when u see others doing the same thing that u r doing but much better. Its pretty discouraging. If that's the case you reach a point of exhaustion sooner or later. 

But social media has made it mandatory to create something just for the sake of it to be shown to others, to get validation and make money out of it. Ofc that would be the sole purpose of social media which runs on capitalism.

In today's time, creating and watching someone else create has a very thin line of difference in it. While watching a video of someone, for example filming their creative process, you feel like you're being creative too cuz you are unintentionally vicariously living through them at that moment.

Just like when watching motivating vids, which are not that impactful but it makes u feel like u are at the top of the world, but thats just a false hope being sold to u. The true source of motivation can only actually come from within, on a random Tuesday actually, and not from watching a mere video.