namandboss

[namandboss]

I saw you removed your account from Netflix. It is scary how things start to change, you know.

[namandboss]

I love you. 😊

[namandboss]

It broke my heart reading your new notes.

It is so difficult for me to balance between our love and the practicalities of it at the moment. And I don't even know if that should be the real concern to begin with. I'm changing, that is all I'm feeling; and I just was not sure if our paths are the same anymore. How does one know when things start and end?

It hurts me a lot, too. It hurts me that you try to try, and that you try so hard.

My head is spinning. I am just trying to gain back the full agency of making decision about my path and I am sorry that at the moment, I can't bring you with me. It is not fair for you to have to deal with this unstability and it would kill me if I drag you through all these. I know you said you made your decision but I wish I could just give up everything for you, too. And I just can't. I thought of quitting school and go back closer to you. But I can't.

I felt the same emptiness, too.

I love you, I just don't know how to be with you and juggling my own needs right now. It is selfish but I think I need to see it through.

I always thought about that 15-year mark. Maybe I shouldn't have left in the first place. I'm scared. Of walking alone, again. I'm so sorry, baby.

[namandboss]

I had a talk with a friend today. She asked if I can be the one who support you through this, give you space and time you need without asking anything in return, even when I need to deal with this feeling alone.

Yes, baby.

I decided to be your Fatima. But I wonder if she can hide her sad eyes being woman of the desert looking for her love one to return cus I cannot.

I love you. :)

[namandboss]

It’s been roughly a year since you left, baby.

I can still feel the pain in my chest the day I went in the gate at JFK back home. It was like something ripped my heart out and left me regret not kissing you, holding your hand, hugging you and telling you I love you enough. So what happened inside the gate was me trying not to cry most of the waiting time.

Three week we spent together is the most precious moment of mine, I can ‘Expectro Patronum’ my ‘Pratonus’ out of it. I was soooo happy I was there with you.

I got use to the way we are not together again somehow. Most of the time without you here, I barely know where to go so I’d been spending time alone, wishing you were here, and It was fine cus I could feel the love you have for me.

And then I feel that pain in my chest again. The emptiness comes back. I don’t know why exactly. It’s just growing on me. I can’t think straight this whole week. I want to keep my mouth shut cus I know what are you going through, but baby I am in fear that you will go through all of this without me and it will be just me here alone at the end. I hope it’s just me noticing the change between us. I hope I am being too dramatic.

Is everything the same, love?

In this hard time of yours, I know I can’t do much. I’m sorry. I might not be intellectual enough, I’m sorry, but can I go where you are going? I will do whatever it takes. I am trying my best.

I love you. A lot.

Ps. I didn’t go to your old place in On-nut by accident. I planned it. I needed to feel you again. It helps but not as much as I wish it would.

[namandboss]

I feel a lot of excitement and anxiety these days. I am excited that you are coming. I am excited that I found some nice topics to work with-and that they are meaningful to me. The past 5 weeks have gone by so fast. I can't wait for May!

[namandboss]

It happens when you use auto-pilot mode in the morning.

[namandboss]

Last day at work this year. Laugh for all the shit that will definitely happen in this coming Jan and Feb. 😂😂

[namandboss]

I spent time on Netflix a lot this weekend. Maniac, the series I watched, was about real and unreal things, also psychological theories. The series shown the process of how we dig down to our problem, admit it and confront it. It’s interesting. You might like it. Anyway, there must be something weird about me. Evertime I want to escape reality a bit by watching fictional things, I always end up watching series that either hard to understand or heart-wrenching. hahaha. I love you. I hope we can spemd time together very soon.

[namandboss]

Here are some colors for you hehe. I passed this shop the other day. It was really lovely. There is a tiny buddha statue among those for some reasons haha. And Hindu flowers. A little bit of mixup here and there but the colors are so great. Try to eat better na, it helps with the stress, too - I think. I love you baby.

[namandboss]

I wish I got bored of food just like this girl. I ate a lot especially when I am tired. Mostly junk food and snacks. 😅 I shouldn’t say anything about eating just cold bento in Japan. Now my life is relying on convinient store and frozen food. Been busy working and feel tired all the time these days. I know you are too. However, I know we can do it because we are super great! Love you na. Mak makkkk.

[namandboss]

Been through super hard working time. Still grateful that you are always here with me. :) I love you.

[namandboss]

So I went to the museum today to see a new show. I got a bar of chocolate and caramel as I was craving some sweets. The wind was so strong sometimes I caught my breath short. It was a nice day. I tried not to squeeze any unnecessary meanings out of the ordinary things, since everything seems to stay more authentic that way. I just wish you are here so we can hop on a train and travel somewhere. Would be such a nice feeling. Miss you and your presence love :)

[namandboss]

I woke up laughing this morning. It’s good that things can be funny both in your dream and reality. My life is not that sad, I guess. After we chat everynight and after I turn off the light, I have one habbit to softly say “goodnight, baby” to you everynight as if you were beside me. This puts me to sleep easier.

Happy birthday, baby. I am really lucky to have you. I’ve never imagined I can love anyone this much na. You keep me going. You inspire me in soooo many ways.

Ps.You gonna get your present from me for sure.

[namandboss]

Old photo of us. We rarely take proper couple picture together. We need to take more. My manager asked me the other day if you can come and teach us English. Unfortunately, you are not here, or else you would be my English teacher. I miss us being double introverted in that room a lot. :)

[namandboss]

These days, the weather is pretty nice! It's sunny but windy and cooling. I should spend more time outside rather than cooping up like a chicken inside haha. And it's half way through the first semester. Gone just like a blink. I hope you enjoy all the moments as much as you can :)

[namandboss]

My taxi drove pass this car care one day but it doesn’t link to what I’m about to write. I’m going to Japan to work there for 2 weeks. I hope everything is gonna be alright. One thing I need to do is wake up at 5.30 almost every morning there. Ugh. I was really worried about my dad’s health. (I still am.) I realized one thing from taking my dad to the hospital. One thing we can do for our love ones is trying to always be healthy as much as we can. It actually means a lot. Being sick is bad for your people’s minds. I am taking vitamins everyday now and I also avoid every possible things that cause sickness. So you don’t have to be worried about my health. I hope you are taking care of yourself too, baby. (At least you eat more veggy than I do.) I need to buy more clothes just to survive 2 weeks in Japan. Also need to buy Yen soon. I love you baby. Miss you every day like always na. I have no chance to have any big meal since you are not here. I miss eating up all the meat!

Ps. Hey I am back here now. Sorry!