nappinghag

[nappinghag]

in my head, i do everything right

hi, it’s been a while since i posted anything but that’s because there’s really not much to talk about my life aside from this boy problem i had for a couple weeks.

unfortunately, it didn’t end well for me. but it’s not surprising anymore, because i think i saw it coming but just refused to see the signs. anyway i had to stop communications with him because it wasn’t doing me any good. 

so with my bruised ego and crestfallen feelings, i decided to make something out of it. i still kinda hate that his face is on this illustration, but i’d be lying if i said this doesn’t look great. 

i did really amazing with this illustration. and fuck you, *****. no thanks to you for wasting my time.

[nappinghag]

how do you feel? - The Maine, 2017

after nearly (? or already) a month of nothing but static noise, i finally stopped pretending that manual journaling did not in fact make my wrists hurt so much. it helped somehow though, but it frustrates me how ugly it looked and i kept redoing everything again. it only works when i’m outside and can’t draw on my laptop, i guess. but anyway, it’s 2021. what a fucking stupid-ass year to be alive.

this is an old illustration i made.

from when january 6th happened and my body decided to have a meltdown. i passed out, nearly choked, felt pins and needles all over my body and couldn’t breath. it was traumatic, even if i tend to joke about it. i’m still scared of it happening again, but i’m getting help. i met with my therapist/counselor and i’m soon going to get tested by a neurologist. i just know it’s going to be expensive as fuck. but i need it. 

it is january 23, 2021 and my day began as an absolute mess...like crying outside an overcrowded hospital mess bc my mother refused to bring me to a hospital that has a neurologist to check on me. it was wild and absolutely exhausting. i don’t like being sick physically or in the head. 

i am very tired today. it feels like i’m living in a timeloop, and the worst part is its the moment in time where my health began falling apart. sometimes, i wish i would just drop dead. sometimes i’d wish it would just all go away so i can continue living my life unplanned, almost always spontaneous and ever so careless. unfortunately, the its the first one that’s most likely to happen at this rate. i wouldn’t mind though. 

because my therapist suggested it, i started working on my hobbies again. i spent the rest of today working on some crochet pieces. i finished one and work on the final version next. i also enrolled in a online class at Domestika, and because i’m a dumb dumb, i failed to check the main course language--turns out it’s in Espanol. not our colonizers TnT jk 1/2. but it’s good so far, i finished about 30% of the units. i’ll continue tomorrow.

other things that happened and i have accomplished today:

i deleted all the social media apps on my phone including telegram

i deactivated 1/3 of my twt accounts, the rest will follow soon

downloaded books about Buddhism, because why not. i have decided i will reread my old books and start highlighting and breaking their spines

replied to old messages from estranged friends

finished season 4 of the good place :(

crocheted a nice v neck vest for a doll

watered my plants

moved my working space to our living room next to my brother

got my new earphones from the mail

will send Eya a nice message for the weekend

i learned that cutting of a drawing by the knees makes it ugly. dont do it.

[nappinghag]

Everyday I wanna start over/'Cause I remind me of me (Rina Sawayama, 2020)

I gotta work hard    Make up, head up like a star I gotta be that angel

(TW: mentions of the S-word, mental illness)

This entry was a really hard to make to be honest. I had to delete this paragraph a several times because even in the middle typing down everything, I found myself trying to sugarcoat my words to make everything seem easy to take in for whoever reads this entry. 

Anyway, the whole point of making this is to serve as a reminder to myself of the things in my life that I'm continuously working on improving. 

This one is about the ass-kicking journey (which I am currently taking on) of allowing myself to become just vulnerable. No more guilt and shame for feeling what human beings should feel now and then. And girl, let me tell you--dealing with this is by far one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in twenty-five years. For as long as I can remember, the way to deal with vulnerability was to grit my teeth, bite my lips 'til it's nearly bleeding and clench my fists and shut everything out before it gets to me. 

That's how it is when you grow up being punished for crying and letting people know that you're upset. I thought, and unfortunately sometimes I still think, that it's completely my fault that I got hurt.

It's still a little sad to me whenever I think about how nicer my relationships with other people could have been if I knew and learned how to communicate myself better. Instead I turned to the best defense that works in everyone's favor (but mine), humor.

(the following paragraph will mention s*ic*de attempts, you can skip it if it's uncomfortable)

 Feeling like complete shit? Nothing a good ol' dark joke can't fix. 

Me wanting to jump off of our third floor balcony at 12 midnight? just feeling random and quirky!

Googling and making a noose out of the ropes I bought online and tying it in one of my hanging cabinets for maximum leverage (March, 2020)? she's brave or whatevuh. 

Even then, in the middle of all that, I felt so much guilt over feeling weak. I felt really sorry towards my family and friends--and myself. Because something so easy as staying strong is hard for me to do.

It really is very exhausting. I'm very much aware that everyone doesn't care and it doesn't really matter so much whether I'm physically, emotionally and mentally sound all the time. But I think it's how I view myself, and put so much pressure on me that causes all this internal dissonance (aka mental illness, luv). Well, at least I have the slightest idea on where to start, noh?

Honestly, being self-aware kinda sucks too, because it's a lot more heartbreaking to see yourself deteriorate when you clearly know there's something wrong and where it's coming from. I wish it was easy to heal, like a simple "live, laugh, love" moment could turn everything downside-up, But like other illnesses out there, sometimes it takes a while or it doesn't get fixed at all. Relapsing sucks ass too. The disappointment in watching yourself spiral into something unpleasant again and again is soul-crushing.

Anyway, because I've decided that I'd like to live a little bit longer so 1) I can finally get myself a nice PC and play Sims 4, 2) to experience going on a really nice and fun date with a significant other that I genuinely like (whomstve I haven't found yet), and 3) FINALLY see snow for the first time ever, I picked what's left of myself back up again so I can unlearn my bad habits and make peace with being vulnerable (no guilt, no shame, no forcing myself to stop crying) whether by myself or towards other people. 

If you've reached this far, thank you. It feels really reeeeeally reaaaaaaaaaally nice to let this all out. By default, I hated typing all of this out but that's just the years of going through corporal punishment for being upset talking. 

I'm actually happy. I think I've accomplished something. Hopefully, things turn out well in the future, If not, I hope I keep finding the motivation to try and try again.

[nappinghag]

from the wise words of the musician, hayley williams

It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.

I thought it would be nice to make little drawings to accompany my entries, so here is #1. 

For the past...7 months, I've been trying and struggling hard to adjust to this new system we're all in, as well as the huge changes that came with it. Sometimes I still feel like I'm just floating through each day, disconnected from the rest of the world. Sometimes I forget what makes me a person. On days like that, having a good cry often helps. Recently, I was going through some (not so good realizations). Because this pandemic has affected my life entirely, it has also taken a toll on my relationships with family and friends. Growing up getting bullied often for being a pushover, I truly came to hate the idea of losing friends, of getting cut-off suddenly. This reaction must come from the fact that at a younger age, people from my old school did it to me for fun! And because I made it so easy! for them! to do it! So now, all of this [gestures everywhere] needs a lot of processing still. But anyway, I am working on it. Although my resources are very limited, I have resorted to a lot of self-soothing and self-talk to put emphasis on where I think the issue lies. It's helped so far, but of course, it won't help entirely. The four years I spent studying Psychology is more useless than I thought. So, until I can afford therapy, this will have to do. Anyway, I just realized I should stop crossing oceans for these people who I thought would do the same for me. We spent a good couple years growing together, but now, I think we've grown apart and feel like we aren't good for each others lives anymore. And this is very hard, but it might be for the best. Really hate friendship breakups, y'know. It's the WORST. But it must be done, so... This is it. Along with losing my drive to fulfill my aspirations in life and losing myself, I still am grieving over this because I don't have a lot of friends, and it takes so much from me to let others in my space. So it also takes so much from to let go and accept that we don't have to friends anymore.