narcissismic

[narcissismic]

number one.

My first step in my journey to cure my own narcissism is to acknowledge my flaws and write them all down. This way, I’ll get a direct understanding of what it is that I actually have to change. 

If you’re wondering, I’m okay with dealing with criticisms when I can control what is being said. 

1. Emotional Control --- I have no control over my emotions, and I think this is the issue that interferes the most within my daily life. I respond to events as if I’m a toddler that isn’t getting their way. I don’t just get angry or sad over things, I have outbursts that are completely irrational and extreme. I will yell at the top of my lungs, or cry as if I’m being tortured, and immediately I will jump to conclusions of giving up and/or suicidal thoughts during these times. I will make rash decisions such as leaving a car and running away if I’m fighting with someone in the car, pull my hair out, throw/break things I own, and more that I’d rather not mention. 

2. Insecurities & Self Awareness --- Being self aware has its perks, but I’m past self-aware, now. I’m o b s e s s e d with myself, and not in a good way. I have such a strong obsession with my appearance, personality, how I come off to others, and my reputation. (And being talked about is the absolute WORST, but that’s another story). My obsession has overtaken me. You could name a part of my body, and I would be able to tell you every single detail about it and everything that I hate about it, and very very rarely will I ever like something about myself - but even then, I can counter it with a reason to dislike that very same thing. I can’t look at pictures/videos of myself UNLESS I’m the one that’s taken it. Seeing myself through a camera (I guess symbolizing through “other people’s eyes”) causes me embarrassment, anxiety, and contributes heavily to my depression because all I can see are my insecurities - which is EVERYTHING on my body. This insecurity heavily affects my relationship with my boyfriend as any girl in his life (or even on instagram) causes me to react in extreme, irrational, downright insane ways. 

3. Blaming Others --- I can attribute every single thing I’ve done wrong to either “something that happened when I was 6″ or “this person MADE me act this way” and it always results in it being not my fault, and putting the blame onto someone else for the way I act. I’m constantly itching to be a victim, and I find myself subconsciously wishing a certain bad thing would happen to me just so I can get angry about it happening to me. For example, I used to wish my ex would cheat on me just so I could get mad at him for it. I don’t know why. 

5. Entitlement --- I will literally be in an argument, and irrationally fight my standpoint even when I know I agree with the other person more than myself, just because I “have to be right”. I feel like the world should all pity me, and I feel like I should be handed things without hard work or earning it. If I don’t get my way, I throw the wildest temper tantrum instantly and my body will shake with rage. 

6. Lack of Empathy --- I feel like I can empathize with others. The issue here is that my entitlement causes me to feel like I should get special treatment in arguments, conversations, and basically anything. This is unfair to the other person, but in the moment, it just seems right. It feels like the world must revolve around me. Nevermind. I just read something that changed my mind. When someone else hurts someone, I feel empathy. When I hurt someone, I feel nothing. I feel like I’M the victim. So no I do not have empathy. 

7. Manipulation --- I feel like I have the tendency to act in a false way sometimes, just to get what I want. For example, making myself cry before seeing my boyfriend in hopes he’ll “feel bad for me”. I don’t know why I have these tendencies and urges, but I think I should acknowledge it.

8. Need for Reassurance --- I’m in a relationship, so you can imagine where this gets me. I’m constantly needing reassurance or I’ll cry. But I guess this is just due to my insecurities I mentioned before. 

9. Arrogant & Judgemental --- Not much to say about this. I feel like this is more a concrete personality trait and I don’t know how much I can really change this about myself, but I guess we’ll see. 

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I guess that’s my list for now. 

[narcissismic]

if you have any questions for a narcissist, i’ll be happy to answer the best i can.