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Just finished my placements in overwatch competitive. I hit silver 2 I am going to kill myself.

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u know those water cooler jugs?

fun fact your body consumes about one of these per week. those are 20 liter/5 gallon jugs; it varies by individual but for most people that is roughly how much water you drink in a week, give or take. one week. that is insane. that is so much water. why do humans need this much water. naughty little thirst slut. i hope u wither

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THIS GAS STATION WEED MAKING MY DICK LONGER

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bro, we wake up to come hang with you. we come over to hang out with you. we are here for you. bro.

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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, “I’m sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”

The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead,” replied the vet.

“How can you be so sure?” she protested. I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$1500!” she cried, “$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!”

The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $1500.”

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this is the best sandwich i have ever made SALMON BLT

INGREDIENTS:

salmon (seasoned with something akin to falafel seasoning i.e cumin paprika coriander garlic & onion powders)

bacon cooked CRISP

baby arugala instead of lettuce

thinly thinly sliced white onion

tomato

special sause (mayo, sriracha, dijon, relish, honey, s&p, paprika, garlic powdah, caramelized onions)

all on texas toast

its simple but DAMN is it powerful. there was a typo here

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please look at the name of this drink i saw at a boba place the other day

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i recently noticed that @ jetblackcode created a really interesting tool that lets you see your tumblr stats, one of which is a comparison between the number of notes you've gotten on all your posts to the entire userbase! so, i figured a fun reblog game would be to put in your blog and tag which color you got:

i've colored the buckets on the histogram so that it's easier to tell where you landed on the graph rather than just using numbers ^_^

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by talos this can’t be happening is a mandela effect because the actual phrase is by the gods this can’t be happening and i’ve never heard anyone say the former in game

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HETALIA IS REAL????????