Good God, it's been a while. Life update might be posted later. Right now I just want to express how sick I feel. I havent been vegan since a little after Christmas... or officially anyways, I dabbled with some fish here & there. Anyways, I'm at Ciro's (Pizza place by my job) and I got a slice of their pepp & mush & I feel absolutely disgusting. Basically since deciding I wasnt vegan, I have had some sort of animal product everyday. Everysinglefuckingday. Almost to fill the void of not eating meat for three months. I crave smoothies. I crave vegetables. I crave my gardein meats. I crave beig vegan. I know that to some people it's as simple as going to their local grocery store and buying gardein products or just simply eating vegan/plantbased, but for me it's so much more than that. I know there's a middle ground, I could eat mostly plant based and dabble with salmon, meat, cage free, etc. But then some days I just want a MR steak from Applebee's. Lunch break is almost up... // To be continued
I have to be at work in 6 hours... I just got home from work lol. Work is literally like a never ending cycle, man.
Anyways, Friday night was so good to me but per usual, when I take any steps forwards life decides to fuck me.
This morning was brutal. I left my house at 748am to be at work by 830 and apparently not only did my life take a hit but so did the roads. I’m talking black ice everywhere guys E VE R Y W H E R E. My car was an ice cube so I sat in my car waiting for it to melt and I was just blasting Tame Impala and thinking.. thinking how the hell I got here and how Im not someone who I’m proud of. Thinking how I know I’m a piece of shit and how I do NOTHING to change my life and myself.
Anyways, I hit two cars (just tires, thank God), got stuck going up a hill, almost got stuck in a ditch, and eventually gave up and with the help of a neighbor (kind of) I went back home and didn't go to work. This morning was a perfect representation of my life *rolls eyes* I always have the intention to try and then end up not pulling through and failing.
I slept from 11 till 3ish and worked from 4-11 and then sat outside waiting for Mike (.. Mike will get a post on just him later on) and we talked till 12ish and then I drove home. I’m so glad today is over with (Saturday 12/17/16)
**I work two jobs. This morning I didn't make it to my full time but the roads were waaaaay better like literally back to normal by 4pm to make it to my part time
Today I was finally able to hangout with Daniel, Danny, and Hilda. It’s been quite some time since we were able to sit down and eat and talk together. We went to Loving Hut, a vegan restaurant, it’s about 20 minutes away from my brother’s house.
We ordered some spring rolls, nuggets, fries, cheesecake, and mango bubble tea as well as a lemongrass soy / veggie stir fry which was AMAZING 👏🏽😩👏🏽😩👏🏽 Anyways, I am making it my goal to finish setting up my camera this week and I'm going to edit a few videos to post! I cant wait to be able to transfer pictures from my camera straight to my phone!!!!!
I love hanging out with Ricardo. He always listens, never judges, and always makes me laugh, like really laugh.
There was a point where I forgot who Ricardo was.. like my Ricardo. He was going through stuff, but now the Ricardo that made me miss my Ricardo is gone. All of the negative memories are gone. I’m so happy he's back.
I remember that for quite sometime I thought we’d never be friends again. I felt like giving up, he was so mean to me... or not mean but rude... anyways, I thought that it was ending.
I’m so happy (for selfish reasons, too) that I stuck around/ that he stuck around/ that we stuck around.
I texted him tonight that I would look for him in every single lifetime.
For too long I have decided to settle. For too long I decided that being angry was OK. For too long I chose resentment. Unhappiness. Self hate. Self pity. For too long I made excuses to cover up my lack of self love.
I have decided to leave all of that behind. I am no longer settling. I am choosing me. I am choosing to love myself. To put myself first.
Life is really and truly what you make it. We can, at any moment, decide that we don't like how things are going and change it. Life is our own book that we can write without any guidelines. I'm not saying this will be easy, but I know it’ll be worth it.