nathank77

[nathank77]

“I don’t want to be friends, I want all of you.”

— Rupi Kaur

[nathank77]

do not dare question my loyalty

because even when i don’t have you

you will still always have me.

july 25th 3:23 pm.

[nathank77]

7/29/25

3:22 p.m

I yearn to be loved. To be thought of. To have someone who cant wait to talk to me. Someone who runs into my arms. Someone who adores me.

I'm so alone if I killed myself no one would notice or even care.

[nathank77]

Sometimes suffering is just suffering. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It only hurts.

Kate Jacobs; Comfort Food

[nathank77]

— william wordsworth (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[nathank77]

7/29/25

9:06

Whelp it's been over a year and some change, since I took even one hit of Marijuana. Tbh towards the end i only smoked when I couldn't fall asleep. But I tracked it bc Mike told me to write down when I smoked and how much I smoked and if I noticed any changes in my hallucination since I was hitting it to try to sleep and since there were times where I tried to reintroduce it into my diet to help with my other mental illnesses.

I found that it worsened my hallucination and it was only effective for knocking me out when all the other drugs I took didn't help me fall asleep. After I had exhausted all my other options.

Today marks a year and some change. I didn't want to celebrate too soon. I still have a vape sitting next to my bed just incase. Its expired as all get out but it makes me feel safer to know if I cant fall asleep I could hit it.

I haven't needed it. And yea thats an accomplishment.

Idk when itll be 2 years since I drank alcohol. I'm just going to go with October 10th 2025... bc I def didnt drink when I got psychosis at all, not even a sip.

But tbh i prob drank last in feb 2023. For my birthday. I was never an alcoholic. But I'd celebrate. So its probably been over 2 years since I even took a sip of a beer. But ill save that for October 10 2025 my 2 years of auditory hallucinations date since they never stop. And I know factually I havent had a sip at that point in over 2 years.

It sucks that I'll never find someone. I changed so much. Even if my hallucination stopped abruptly which it never will I could never see myself smoking weed again bc what if I heard it again? Its not worth the risk.

Nonetheless until I kill myself I will keep my vape next to my bed incase I cant sleep so I have a fail safe. And hopefully I dont have to use it.

I mean I was a pot head. And now I'm obviously not. I just wish any of my changes added up in regards to finding someone and having a future.

I can't change anymore than I have. I dont smoke weed. I dont drink. I wake up at the ass Crack of dawn and I go to the gym. I fixed my circadian rhythm disorder entirely. Its been over a year since I started waking up between 6-8 a.m and going to bed between 7-11 p.m. I always get ready starting at 7 p.m. but I watch tv while I floss and lay in the dark

Ive changed so much. I just wish someone would be proud of me except for me.... I wish someone would love me. I yearn to be loved by someone other than myself

The only reason I havent killed myself is bc I love myself. But the loneliness is too much. Watching my mothets health decline is too much. Without her i lose everything I have and my only friend.

[nathank77]

7/28/25

Changed 10:02 p.m

10:00 p.m Significantly Added to

I cant wait to end it. There is something very calming about knowing the end is near and I dont have to pretend someone will love me or that I'll get a family.

Cause its true. I wont ever have kids. I wont ever find love. I wont ever find anyone who will ever care about me. I stand no chance as a disabled transman with no job.

I wish youd reach out and say what you got to say before I do it. I know you wont. But thats the thing..I cant wait my whole life for a conversation or message that either will never happen or i wont like what I hear.

And nothing i do will get me a gf. My mom is gonna die soon. She's actually not recovering well. She has had a lot of issues.

I have no friends. I have nothing but fitness and no one actually cares about that except for me. I'm kicking the shit out of myself just to be happy. And no one could even care.

I long for the words, "I'm proud of you." Or i love you..or i cant live without you. I never want to lose you. But I wont hear those things.

The only person who will ever love me is me. I wont get my closure from her and tbh I dont want to hear from her if it isnt going to be a good conversation. I dont want closure. I want a new beginning.

And as much as I say I'm good with friendship. I was lead on and I wanted her to be my girl. I thought she wanted it too and I had good reason to think that.

Id take her anyway i could get her but tbh I can't just be her friend as a single loser. Thats just a fact. I need a gf for that and trust me ill never find one. Itd just be embarrassing.

I couldn't invite her to my house. Let's be real..I'm a dirt poor ghetto hood rat. I cant invite anyone to my house. Its embarrassing.

And even if I get someone to talk to me. Once they find out I'm disabled or trans they'll bounce

And tbh I'm going deaf and all I do is hallucinate. Honestly it was the straw that broke the camels back.

Hey i was reading into things but its weird how your husband was gone from your profile during the cancer thing. All the posts. He was just gone. And then bam its like you fell back in love with him. Yea people can change. And I'm glad youre happy.

But I actually did think you were my soulmate. And then i thought maybe my soul friend but idk..now I just think you were a lesson to stop hoping for anything good to happen to you.

I can never stop thinking about you. My every thought bumps into you. I try so hard to forget you like you forgot me but I cant and I know I never will even if I got married and had kids youd still be on my mind. Until you reach out and I stopped believing that would ever happen.

I feel like if it was romantic ever I'd have been your back up plan when youre the only person I ever wanted..and yea I could be just friends but imagining that gets harder and harder and I feel pathetic pretending you even remember my name and if you do thinking you could have positive thoughts about me.

When all you're thinking is he is a crazy. He is psychotic..I'm scared of him

I got your address and I know where you work. I could show up any day and i wont. Cause you didnt invite me.

What happened in 2023 only happened bc I had a psychotic break and I wish youd forgive me its not like i showed up at your kids school or rang your door bell. Or like i even drove on your street.

I wish youd ever forgive me. I forgive me. But nonetheless facts are facts. I ain't ever going to have a future worth looking forward to.

I will always be poor. Trying to figure out how to make spending 60$ possible without losing food. And if my car goes i cant get another one. I'm actually fucked.

Life only gets worse. For me. And I want to leave before I see how I can wait years and nothing good will ever happen for me.

Despite all the positives changes ive made in my life nothing changes for the better.

I just hope you feel shame for leading me on and changing your mind. Cause you crushed me. I wish you had left it as you and him all this time. I accepted it in feb 2024... but then wow it was almost like you were trying to play with my heart some more.

What hurts the most is i actually feel like your toy. When all i wanted was for you to care enough to let me show you that I could change the way I know you if you gave me the opportunity.

I mean a lot has changed since 2023. I only wish youd give me a chance.

I still see the regret in your eyes but idk what you regret? Meeting me? Probably. Everyone always does.

[nathank77]

7/17/25

10 p.m Added to Significantly. I will unfortunately never truly be able to move on from you. I will wear the breast cancer badge still and support you from afar bc I did it all with love. And I will always love you even if you hate me. Even if you want me to hate you.

Next you'll get a cat.

That's my thought. The final stab in my back to make sure I could never imagine i could be loved by you. Once you get a cat, I could never go over your house- of course assuming you ever wanted that I ain't gonna show up cause you know I'm not fucking psychotic.

I can only imagine youre scared of me. But if you unblocked me everywhere id add you to my blocked list. So if you ever make that choice send a message first cause if I see it and you haven't itll happen. Why? Cause I'm sick of begging you to care about me.

Quite frankly I'm sick of begging for anyone out there to love me. You play a pivotal role in why I cant trust people... and unfortunately despite your responsibility youre never going to take responsibility for it. But its your fault I'm stuck on you.

You made me like this bc you crossed the line. I didnt until you did. And what you did i mean let's be real. I was emotionally vulnerable. I never expected to hear from you and then all of a sudden you really did write it down and you popped up. My heart skipped a beat I was so happy.

It changed everything. But unfortunately for me you weren't planning to stay. Unfortunately for me I became a burden to you. Unfortunately for me the day you started talking to me it changed everything.

I could have moved on. You would have meant something to me. You wouldn't have been a bot. You'd have been that therapist I had who went above and beyond. And when I got psychosis I would have messaged you instead of Erin bc I would have trusted you and the boundary wouldn't have been crossed.

But once you popped up on my phone it changed everything. And it may have kept me alive but I'm not lying doing a l sit is cool and all but none of this pain is worth it bc you lead me on romantically. And you know it.

I wont even go over the list. And I'm not talking about anything that happened after we stopped talking... I'm simply talking about everything that truthfully really happened that couldnt be blamed on coincidence or reading into things. Everything before june 2023.

Things you actually did. You clearly changed your mind. And its sad.

I expect one of these days you'll get a cat and make sure I know it, so that I cant even pretend one day I could be invited over to a picnic or a family game night. That one day I can become apart of the family.

I will still pretend. I need to. I need to remember the girl i thought i knew.

I need to imagine family game night, friendsgiving. And yes all these fantasies involves your husband being there.

But as the years go by and from what i see you look like you had feelings for me and you changed your mind. It hurts. Bc I'm never someone anyone would chose.

Not even as a close chosen family member.

Anyways I'll unfortunately never stop talking about you or thinking about you. Every thought i have bumps into you, and until you show up which i dont expect will happen I'll never stop thinking about you unfortunately

And I also dont think ill be here in 2026 if, "it," means anything.... bc tbh I dont think its worth the wait. What if youre mean? What if its bugged? What if you dont ever send the message bc its better to leave things left unsaid if they will only hurt a person? That's what your silence means to me other than maybe youre scared of me.

What if you hurt me more? Or what if I wait until 2029 6 years later and you still haven't ever reached out?

My mother is dying. I ain't lying.... shes always sick.

I'm going to be homeless soon. The kids dont love their absent brother like they used to and I cant afford to go there bc i have no money.

Poverty is killing me.

You dont get it. I want the pain to stop. And I dont think whatever you chose to do is worth waiting it out.

Sure i could plache in 2 years assuming my mother makes it... but who cares? 1200 views? I can die with my L Sit and say i did something I'm proud of. I didnt do it for the veiws. Christ I'm half of them. I did it bc watching my dreams come true is the only happiness I get.

I will die with my l sit as my profile picture and sadly that'll be my legacy as I will never have kids, get married or have a job. I won't become YouTube famous. I wont ever have a girl touch my hand again. I wont ever get hugged. I wont ever have anything romantic in my life again. All ill have is the touch of dr checking my breathing or stabbing me with a needle.

Nathan fox will never be anyone important to anyone else. And Nathan "plache"ette wont make me YouTube famous either.

I will never get a job and have financial security. I will never have a stable, comfortable life. I will never experience a vacation again. My life is over.

It doesn't matter how much I have changed and how hard i work on myself the tunnel is dark. There is no light. And there never will be a light. I've got a month or 2 max.

The pain is not worth it. I cannot trust anyone or let anyone in. And I give up. Working on myself isnt working, no one sees me.

And next you'll get a cat to further validate that you would never want me in your life as sorta ha ha.

"The truth is you could slit my throat

And with my one last gasping breath

I'd apologize for bleeding on your shirt"

"You wanted more, but you didn't care what, now

I don't know if there's a difference between

Who you are and who you pretend to be"

- you didnt care that what you did bc of what you wanted could result in this. I could have let go of you and still loved you but I cant because idk if there is a difference between who you are and who you pretended to be.

[nathank77]

All I wanted was a family. But no one ever wants me. No one ever will.

“They may not have loved you, but they did change you. They taught you. They grew you.”

— Bianca Sparacino

[nathank77]

“When you love someone, it’s never over. You move on because you have to, but you take them with you in your heart.”

— Elizabeth Chandler

[nathank77]

My entire blog is a love letter written in silence, just for you. I wonder if you ever read it.

[nathank77]

No one ever wants me.

“We just got to accept that some people can only be in our hearts, not in our lives.”

— Kathy B.

[nathank77]

7/27/25

I don't trust anyone bc of you and Kristen. Its not a lie. I had trust issues before. But between the two of you, I cant trust anyone. No one.

I cant even begin to open up to a therapist at this point. I talk about surface level shit. And it stems from kristen, you, and many therapists I've had who have left me..... it keeps me safe to not actually open up to them and actually trust them or rely on them

I dont trust humans bc everyone leaves. And youre one of them. I cant even trust my phone. Is it just bugged? Probably. Thats what I'm going with. Not all of it. When you block someone random, their name is on top and their username is on the bottom. Even if you never knew their email or phone number.

Its weird how its just double usernames with you. Its weird how my pose or anyone's pose changes for seconds and then goes to whatever their pose actually is.

All I know is i cant trust anyone. Everyone is a bad person. Everyone..

And I only bring up the professional relationship bc tbh I dont expect you'll be in my life. I truly dont. I dont even expect if I asked to be your client that youd respond, let alone give me the option to actually talk to you. Don't worry I dont plan to do that. I don't want the fake version of you. I only want the real version of you even if youre fucking hideous on the inside..its enlightening.

Nonetheless if you never talk to me again, considering I must assume about 50% of what I have seen is bugged due to the white wall and the pose and the username weirdness..... I could never open up to anyone again..

And you play a pivotal role in why.

[nathank77]

7/26/25

8:00 p.m

It must be nice to be loved well. I will never know what that feels like.

One thing i do know is 2025 is it for me.

Poverty. Loneliness. No potential for anything. Soon my mother will die. So why hold out any longer?

I won't find a gf. Have a life. Get married. Have kids. Go on a vacation. Or ever feel loved again.

I'll always have nothing. And what little I have, I need to be thankful for bc it could be much worse.

I'll never have someone to rely on or have someone who cares about me. I'll always be like a ghost. Invisable. I wish I had known what i know now in 2023 I would have ended it rather than endured it all.

I didnt want to be right. I said and I qoute, " i will be single for the rest of my life when katie leaves me." I was fucking right. Almost 3 years.

I worked on myself. I've changed so much, but no door opened. I might as well have just ended it after i went to Massachusetts.

None of this pain has been worth it.

[nathank77]

How do you go from talking every day to will we ever speak again?

k.b. // wafia - how to lose a friend

[nathank77]

7/26/25

2:11 p.m

Intentions only matter so much. I learned that lesson with cecile. I learned it the hard way.

The consequences of your actions regardless of your intentions have more weight. Sadly.

And despite your intentions whatever they were or are, the consequences greatly outweigh it.

Do i forgive you? Idk thats why I want the opportunity to make a choice. I'll never get that.

Do i forgive myself for letting you do what you did despite your intentions? Not yet. Cause thats why I'm in pain.

[nathank77]

7/26/25

11 a.m -Remember I'm glad youre happy with youre husband but what sets me off is you wont be my friend. Thats what hurts the most.

Last thing i wanted to add is you can unblock me everywhere. And I mean everywhere. Message received. I never meant shit to you and you must be scared of me or something.

But I wouldn't message you ever regardless of if you unblocked me everywhere. Idk if I'd even respond to you if you messaged me.

But I promise I ain't gonna message you. I ain't gonna show up anywhere near you.

And tbh I may fucking block all of your accounts if given the chance or maybe I'll wait until you message me but you wont but if you did then id block you right after. Potentially anyways. Or maybe I'd leave you on read. I prob wouldn't respond. It would depend on what you said if I even gave you the opportunity to send the message. If I didnt block you first.

I never meant shit to you. You never wanted me. We could have had a genuine friendship. You could have been like the mother i never had.

i want you to take responsibility for the part you played in this. I'm not lying if you didnt cross that boundary, you wouldn't be elise. You'd just be Elise Blah LCSW. I wouldn't think of you. You wouldnt matter like all the other licensed professionals I met. I just wanted you to know that. You'd just be another stupid therapist I talked to who meant nothing to me. Another fucking bot. The relationship you chose to have with me is why I'm like this. Its your responsibility and your fault. Your actions triggered this. Thats why I cant, "get over it," or, "move on."

But dont worry, youre safe. I ain't fucking psychotic. You just manipulated an emotionally vulnerable person in 2023 and unfortunately I thought you were a good person. Like I said I could be bugged. So only your actions in 2023 matter to me. The things you actually did.

I hope you beat cancer and I hope youre happy. I wish you wanted me in your life.

But just like everyone else no one ever wants me. I would have never been good enough for you.

I dont expect I'll hear from you and I dont expect you'll ever message me to give me the opportunity to chose if I want anything to do with you and with that being said-

I wish you the best;