natnatx-blog1

[natnatx-blog1]

Such a handsome chap!

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Feeling so much happier and more human today!

[natnatx-blog1]

Anxietyandme

Anxiety... this word has so many different connotations to different people, but one thing is for sure that it is something that affects a lot of people. Including myself. People without anxiety and those who do not understand the condition seem to think that people are just using it as some sort of fashion statement. Or assume that people of this generation are wrapped up in cotton wool and should "grow a pair" or "stop being so stupid/lazy/depressed" circle whichever applies to you. I'm not going to completely disregard these beliefs as I also feel that some people do use it as an escape goat, or people do genuinely believe they have the condition because that's what doctors have come to conclude in their 2 minute consultation. Just to be clear that is not a jibe at doctors as I understand they are severely under staffed and can only do the best with what they have. However, I am a firm believer that anxiety appears more prevelant nowadays because people are far more open about mental health than they ever used to be. Mental health used to be a sign of weakness or that a person was "crazy" and would end up in what used to be often barbaric facilities, that claimed to be curing people. When in reality, they were creating vegetables who were incapable of expressing any sort of emotion at all (obviously this wasn't always the case I am simply dramaticising certain events for emotive effect). On the other hand, anxiety and depression (not the same thing) are possibly more common today because with the advances in technology and the increase in housing prices: becoming an adult is in my opionion, far more difficult in today's society. For example, my fiancé and I have been living in our own privately rented flat for almost a year... however we will most likely have to move back into his parents house if we have any hope at all of being able to afford our own wedding god forbid our own property. After rent and bills and having some sort of social life which in my opinion is extremely important, we don't even have enough spare to save £50 a month! The morbid reality is the only way people of our generation can afford to be home owners is if a relative passes away and leaves a shed load of money in a will for them, either that or become escorts and earn a hell of a lot of money! Hats off to the ladies and gents who use their initiative and assetts to get what they want out of life, the career is not my cup of tea but I don't have anything against those who have the confidence to persue that lifestyle. The truth of the matter is that anxiety is a massive pain in the arse! It affects so many people in so many different ways which to the ignorant minds means that some people can't be suffering with it at all! The criteria seems to be that unless you're constantly too afraid to leave the house or can't cope in any social situation without having a melt down... you can't have anxiety. Bullshit! Some days granted, I feel like the only place I'm safe is under my duvet in bed, but if I'm at that point then I'm probably having what I have come to name it as a "wobbly". This generally includes lots of tears and sometimes small panic attacks. I haven't had a big panic attack in quite a while which I'm thankful for as they are horrific! During these "wobblies" I also have thoughts that I'm not good enough and why would my fiancé want to be with a blubbering mess and why can't I be normal... that sort of thing. It also normally means that if I'm meant to be at work that day then 40% of the time I can't face going in. This for me is the worst part of my condition as I keep a lot of this secret from my family who probably don't have a clue of the extent my anxiety has affected me and that's my choice. But it also has an effect on my career, I love working with children and people in general and that's where a lot of confusion comes in, from myself sometimes too! Why can't I go in to work if I enjoy my job? I don't find it difficult or stressful necessarily so why can't I just get up every morning with or without a wobbily and go in and carry on with my day? However, I've come to realise that it's not necessarily the work I can't do when I'm in that mind set, it's the thought of having to communicate with people for 10 hours a day, having to think logically and being responsible for my actions. Which in all honesty are obsolutely daunting! On a "normal" day all of these things are absolutely fine and I take them in my stride I'm usually a really bubbly person who acts like a big child, trust me in my line of work this is useful. But, when you feel like crap physically and emotionally, usually crying leaves me with a deyhdration headache and my wobblys tend to rear they're ugly heads the night before so I often struggle to sleep too, then honestly rightly or wrongly I just want to hide in my little bubble. I don't really know why I've started this blog, possibly because I've had a week of feeling like shit and this is the way I've chosen to deal with it. But I've quite enjoyed talking to myself and letting all the crap spew out. If this even sparks a few curious questions about anxiety that challenge people's ignorace or if it makes someone feel like they're not on their own (trust me you're not) then it's been somewhat useful. I do have anxiety, but I am also a caring person who can be a real hoot! I'm more than capable of having a laugh and fun with my friends. I also need to sometimes hide from the world and that's just going to have to be ok!