naurthingtoseehere

[naurthingtoseehere]

i've lived 27 years on this earth and i'm still getting used to the way "i'm uncomfortable, i want to stop" sounds in my mouth. nowadays i can recognise the signals my body sends me in real time. this fills me with pride; it took so much work to get here. i am also struck with grief.

[naurthingtoseehere]

yesterday was a lot. today i had many reminders that i am safe, and that i am with safe people. i can speak my truth and the people who love me will not abandon me. repair is always possible with people i love when there's been a rupture. it's so hard to remember this truth but i wanted to document this for when i forget again.

[naurthingtoseehere]

idk if this is the most truthful or helpful term but ive been feeling 'emotionally volatile' for days now and its starting to feel like existing itself is too much for me to handle. im not suicidal because my husband is the strongest buffer against that. but god does it feel like i will live such a limiting life being terrified of the world and being terrified of my reaction to it. i will not ride a bike. i will not join the choir. i will not test my potential. it hurts too much to try. absolutely every little thing will tip me over the edge, like seeing a spider in the bathroom or feeling tension in the room. all of this is life. i've simultaneously experienced too much and lived too little and it's all too unbearable.

[naurthingtoseehere]

tw: slightly graphic descriptions of self harm

today i fell to the floor sobbing so violently i almost threw up. a few years ago i used to hit myself on the head, bare knuckles onto my skull, repeatedly. i'm due for an MRI scan soon because i keep seeing flashing lights. before i hit myself, i would cut open my forearm for years. i thought about bringing the scissors out again after i cried today. i lingered on that thought longer than i have in a long time.

i keep thinking about what it means to be sane. i am not broken for having visceral emotions in response to trauma. my body is working as it should. i have not lived an easy life. it is also not easy witnessing a genocide continents away. despite knowing this, i can't help but feel pressured to view myself through the lens of "sanity". i am constantly presumed, and i often think, that i am overreacting. 'my responses are abnormal, therefore i need to be institutionalised.'

of course, my responses can be physically dangerous. i am not denying that i am better and safer now for having better tools to process my emotions. perhaps it's because i've lived with myself since the beginning that my emotional 'deviations' don't seem all that strange to me anymore. in fact, once i confront the functions of my self-harm, i tend not to engage in it and opt for safer methods. but... i am human at the end of the day. i have a threshold. and i almost reached it today.

i don't think this means i've regressed: i think it means that my soul has been tested. of course it has. today i was confronted head-on with grand-scale moral apathy towards the palestinian people. it is bizarre to see that happen and feel like the only one screaming for miles.

is this how revolutionaries of the past felt, when they tried to challenge oppressive social norms? did they too feel so betrayed by the world that they wanted to tear themselves out of their bodies? were their imaginations also tested when people told them they were asking for too much, so much so that they almost believed they should concede to their oppressors? surely they did. surely they were.

so the despair must come, as it has before me. i need to look to their hopes now. rage is a fuel. i can turn my fists away from my skull. i can turn the blade outwards.

[naurthingtoseehere]

these days ive been see-sawing between holding and losing hope for people. i don't know what drives people to be mean to others for the sake of gaining admiration from their group of friends. i don't know what makes people apathetic to the reality of children getting killed with the help of their taxpayer dollars. i don't know what makes people want to bully their own children. i feel crazy for seeing this shit every day. and i don't want to sound like i'm better than everyone - im truly not; i have hurt people in my life, i am often a coward when it comes to sticking up for what i believe in, i often prioritise my own peace and ego over others. but i really try to overcome my shortcomings. and im trying to look empathetically at what makes people lash out at each other, so that perhaps i can help people see eye to eye. im really struggling though. sometimes it feels like even though most people are polite, not many of them are kind.

[naurthingtoseehere]

good post. been leaning on my friends and my husband a lot these days and it's been helping. where i am poor in most areas, i am rich when it comes to love. i would choose this life again if it means i will have all these people around me. i am truly never alone in my despair.

[naurthingtoseehere]

every now and then i feel guilty about not reaching out to my dad but then the resentment kicks in to push the guilt away and i dont think about it again for a month or so

[naurthingtoseehere]

was gonna blame this all on my anemia but it really is so much more than that. my suffering makes sense. the richer get more powerful by ensuring that i am exploited. the life of a sacrificial pawn is my destiny. there are dreams i have that will likely never eventuate. things like having children, owning a home, reaching a certain level of physical fitness. and then there's other things that /might/ happen, but not until i'm a lot older. like getting my drivers license. or getting on adhd medication. i might get to visit my family overseas again, but i think i knew the last time i left indonesia that this would be the last time in long while. "next year i'll return" i said, to them, to myself. i knew deep down that was a lie. that's why i cried leaving.

i know i have a more than others because i live in the global north. still, most if not all the things ive listed should be achievable for everyone. i want to build a world where that is possible. but im running on empty. so is everyone around me.

i am torn between my desire for a better life and the acceptance of reality. which would be more meaningful? which would be more productive? right now im just interested in which would hurt less.

[naurthingtoseehere]

breaking up the sad posts with a cute moment from today. i was at an asian grocer this afternoon and worked up the courage to ask the filipina cashiers if they had any kangkung (water spinach). they immediately slipped into tagalog as they showed me where it was. i'm not filipino but tagalog has enough similarities with indonesian that i understood a word or two and got the gist of what they were saying to me. i couldn't bring myself to correct their assumptions; being momentarily adopted by titas is too warm a feeling to pass up.

i'll say salamat po next time i buy my groceries.

[naurthingtoseehere]

its going to be a while until this happens but the thought of being employed full time again makes me want to puke. i know i have to do it and i owe it to my husband whos been working more than full time to support me through uni. so it feels really selfish to be having these emotions. but god i am so deathly afraid of my own incompetence its unbearable. i feel myself retreating and becoming more scared of the unfamiliar as i get older. i'm regressing. i hate it.

[naurthingtoseehere]

brain is so damn full all the time i can't sleep can't relax.. i've been venting a lot but i feel like that's not enough. what i haven't been doing is letting out emotions but. it's hard to cry when you're dehydrated. hard to yell when you're in public or live with other people. hard to draw or write when the perfectionism is too much of a barrier. hard to talk to god when you're mad at Them. ugh. it's all stuck in here

[naurthingtoseehere]

yesterday was rough. i didn't pray much, and i went to bed right after breaking my fast and passed out. feeling a bit foresaken. feeling angry. and i can't seek an elder for spiritual guidance because the imam is dead.

idk if today is going to be much better. we'll see.

[naurthingtoseehere]

on the train now and the sleep deprivation is really getting to me. some really deep anxieties and doubts are rising to the surface, distracting me from my faith and work. i shouldve tried to take a nap before leaving. the ground feels so shaky beneath me. im finding it difficult to keep myself tethered to the present. im floating towards an existential crisis that would really threaten my peace. am i supposed to live in perpetual chaos?

[naurthingtoseehere]

my god. just read some news about some horrific islamophobia occuring just a few suburbs away thats currently under police investigation. the dread i felt when i read that. all the added vitriol against muslims in this country following isntreals latest iteration of colonial violence against palestine has come to a head. im scared.

[naurthingtoseehere]

made it through the day with sheer will and my husband told me he's proud of me for all the resilience ive been showing these past few days. im so in love with that man. im so glad we have each other

[naurthingtoseehere]

oof. had a streak of good days and have finally been tested with a really bad morning. firstly i slept at around midnight and woke up at fajr (if i was going to oversleep and not eat it would've been nice to at least get a full night's sleep 💀). secondly i slept though my alarm because i was too busy having a nightmare about being SA'd. i woke up wanting to give up on my day. i am dreading the thought of going to my first in-person lecture sleep deprived and with less food in my belly that i would like, and having to do all the work i wanted to get done today. all while having my mood coloured by that jarring reminder of my trauma.

it's times like these where i miss being in a muslim household where everyone encouraged each other to wake up on time, break fast, pray. there would be someone awake for me to seek comfort in after my nightmare. but its only me conscious in the space between night and morning.

it is better for all involved that i live apart from my mother, but right now i just want her. there's many things i wouldn't dare turn to her for, but this is something she can provide comfort with. she knows what to do when her child cries from a nightmare during ramadan. in today's case, she might have been able to wake me up before the dream got bad.

people fast in far worse conditions than mine today; this is a sobering fact. but its still hard. right now, it feels like im just clinging on in trying not to fall into despair. today feels like those failed ramadans from last year, and the year before that, and so on.

may god help me get through today.

[naurthingtoseehere]

im feeling really good. i dont remember the last ramadan that ive been this locked in. it must have been around a decade since ive fasted more than a handful of days during the month. ive finally found multiple safe spaces where i can practise and stay true to my queerness and my values. i guess that really makes all the difference. plus it helps that ive progressed so far in my mental health. alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.