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Hello hello.

Ive been contemplating maybe attempting to write again. Not sure just yet, but. I do miss it over here.

Might shift this to a gen. multimuse. V deep into dragon age & bleach.

Hope y'all have all been well.

🫶

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This is not the update I was ever dreaming of having to write.

I'm so sorry.

My mother passed away yesterday suddenly. Sometime after 4:40 in the afternoon. I got home at 5:30 and found her. Despite the best efforts of the paramedics, they couldn't get her heart back. She was gone. Her heart had simply stopped.

None of this feels real. I don't even feel real right now. I don't really know what to do from here. I have family coming in. I don't even know why I'm updating over here, really. I just.

Im lost.

& i think this will be my final post on this account.

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So.

This will .ore than likely be the last update I post for a while. I'm putting this under a cut due to the content.

My mom is basically in end stage congestive heart failure.

Mom had a cardiology appointment yesterday, where we learned that we were told wrong after her heart attack & stint. Her ejection fracture rate ( how good your heart is pumping ) did not get better.

It got worse. The heart attack did pretty major damage. A normal, healthy EJF is 50-75%.

Her's is 25%.

She is on the line of end stage Congestive Heart Failure.

We're trying to figure out a game plan- whether that means a life vest defibrillator, a pace maker, medications. We don't know yet. But.

Yeah.

I'm uh. I'm not really sure how I feel, really. I joke that this year is 2015 all over again but now it really does feel like that, because I watched my grandfather die from CHF in 2015, and now my mother is going through the same horrible thing, and it's. It has dredged up a LOT of feelings I burried.

I've also been in one of the worst depressive episodes i have been in *since 2015*. I can't seem to pull myself out of this one, which is what has me a little weary and worried, and my anxiety piqued last week in an ugly way. My lip is torn to shreds from it currently.

My new insurance kicks in on Feb 1sr, and i do intend to find a therapist afterwards because I love my friends, I love my partner, but I cannot keep just piling my venting on them or just shoving everything aside and not talking about anything.

Due to this, my niece possibly having to have a Major surgery at some point this year, and other littler things- I'll probably just. Take a step back entirely from roleplay as a whole, at least on here, for a *while*. I still write fics, I'm still working on my book, but I just.

My bandwidth is shot currently. I work 40 hours a week now & am still my mom's caregiver.

I don't know what to do, really. I'm sort of numb. Really, really numb. 2015 was the year I lost everyone & everything & attempted in November of '15, and this year is. It's scary how it feels like a repeat.

If you want my discord to keep in contact, don't hesitate to reach out. I'm also over on twt & bsky! Those are where I'm mostly active these days.

It's been rad.

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Merry Christmas, Happy New Years, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Kwanzaa. I hope y'all had a good one.

I am officially full-time status now, which is cool. And then my grandma's car got stolen Thursday morning & the dude took it on a joyride, parked it in the back of a field, took off on foot, broke into a house, tried to steal shit, took off into another field, and then got tackled by police. And last night, my mother had a heart attack at 10:30, I didn't get home until 2 am from the hospital & then maybe slept two hours, then got back up, got ready to back to the hospital, she had a blockage between two stints that they cleared, and is now resting at the hospital, and we have a possible ice and/or snow storm hitting our area starting tonight & until Monday.

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Merry Christmas / Happy Hanukkah / Happy almost Kwanzaa <3

Hiatus is continuing. I'm officially going full time at my job next week ( which is a VERY GOOD THING, my stress level will go down & ill get full benefits & pto. )

Christmas was very good. I cried a few times. I made people cry with their gifts. I ate too much. Got a ps5 which I yelled at my mother for doing bc that's too much fucking money to spend but she wouldn't hear it so hell yeah, Dragon Age: Veilgaurd time.

Also, tøp obsession continues, and was fed by both my mother & my partner, and this super fucking cool custom make Taylor Swift print. And a drum pad from Warner which I'm so excited to use and start teaching myself again.

Had almost all the family up, which was nice. I've had this week off work, too, which has also been nice. Now I'm gonna go eat even more food and get my ass kicked at uno.

Much love, I miss y'all, happy holidays, photo dump time.

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Steps in just to drop this & say that I am still alive. I got strep throat last week & was in the trenches with it. I've started making edits which is fun. Work is good but slow due to the holidays. I have family visiting & am having an early turkey day tonight. I made 45 deviled eggs last night. Still love OP, just not actively writing atm. <3 I hope everyone is doing well.

Law sweater for work + the edit I'm most proud of rn.

Okay that's all bye again.

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Tumblr gets the full edit before anywhere else. Good morning, Skeleton Clique.

The songs, in order, are: Mulberry Street ending, Lane Boy beginning, transition into Trees, the ending of Navigating, and My Blood. Which sounds like a really weird combination, but trust me on this one, okay?

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Dumping an update because I genuinely cannot believe what has happened. TW: pet hospitalization, parental trauma, work... so much.

My partner's dog ( and mine, she's my baby, too ) is currently in the vet bc her kidneys are fucked and we had a moment of pure panic in which we thought she was about to die and I got home on Tuesday to my partner crying and then I was crying and Tuesday was also a super long day bc I had to bring my mother to an appointment to get a new foot brace.

Woke up Wednesday to the Worst News Possible with the fucking presidential race and went to work where many coworkers were celebrating, so I had to just dissociate almost all day bc whaaaat the fuck.

Missouri did overturn their Abortion Ban which was good, at least.

Wednesday was also Warner & I's five year anniversary.

My mother revealed that her chronic heart failure is in the moderate stage & she'll be lucky to see 10 more years, let alone 5. So I've been grappling with that.

But in good things: I started decorating my office for Christmas bc fuck it. I love Christmas decorations so much.

I was able to get SIGNED drumsticks from Josh Dun that were just delivered to my house.

My blanket is going well.

I got a bead kit to start making friendship bracelets for future concerts.

I got my Clancy stole in.

I've been working on making this Carrd for the lore for Twenty One Pilots, too, which has been a test with my abilities. It's been fun.

I am just... I have too many emotions and no emotions and I am just so very tired. I don't know how to feel or what to do at this point because too much is happening at once and I just want to. Not.

Yknow?

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So that... Happened.

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I don't wanna clog this blog with OOC posts so, here is where you can find me:

Other tumblr ( personal )

Bluesky

Twt / X

+ my rp FB, which is used more to shitpost & talk than anything else, really. <3

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Things keep happening.

I'm sorry. My activity is probably just gonna be spotty from now until after Christmas, I think. One, it has officially entered Trauma Season for me; two, I'm gonna be busy with family visiting off & on over the next 2 months; three, my writing muse has shifted more to focus on my OCs rather than any canon muses, and even then- it's my *book* that my muse has focused on, so thats fun but also leaves little room for outside things which is annoying. There are also other things that I don't feel comfortable talking about on here that had happened & it's just been a rough while.

I apologize to those who I have threads with- I don't have a time frame on when I'll get to them. If you want to drop any of our threads, it's *okay* to do so. I understand.

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Green Day will forever make me think of the Hearts for some reason. Esp the American Idiot + 21st Century Breakdown albums, and Still Breathing. Heavy on Law, Pen, and Shach with Still Breathing.

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We had 111 kids last night stop by the house to trick or treat. I also handed out candy to 110 kindergarteners yesterday morning at work. I had kids yell BEETLEJUICE all day at me. And I made some drive thru workers' day by showing up in full Beetle. So. Yesterday was definitely a good Halloween.

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Well, I attended Juliard, I'm a graduate from Harvard Business School. I'm well traveled. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. I've seen THE EXORCIST ABOUT A HUNDRED AND SIXTY TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT.

Not to mention, you're talking to a dead guy.

Happy Halloween from the B Man.

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I'm getting back into the headspace & this song hit me like a freight train so excuse me while I talk about an eternally doomed ship.

SumAce. [ Warner's Ace, specifically. ]

Ace is in love with Suma.

He will not say that he is in love with Suma.

Because saying it makes it real. And making it real means that he damns them both to an early grave. It's inevitable, isn't it? The sins of his past. Surviving Marineford, only for her aunt to give her life for him to survive. All those he loved who selflessly gave their lives for him.

The massive target that now sits not only on his back- but her own as well.

"Because he knows deep down that he's already dug his grave.

And it's just deep enough for two, now."

-Warner.

They are doomed. He speaks of her, asks of her. She hears this from others. But he will not draw closer because to be seen together is certain death. She is Luffy's crewmate; her bounty is catching up with his own. Most likely will surpass it.

To want to say fuck it all and be together and hide. Move every year, change names and appearances. But what kind of life is that?

So they do small meetings. Once every few months for however long they can spare without people getting too curious. The curse of the doomed lovers.

"I won't fall in love with fallin'; I will try to avoid those eyes. But now I'm here to give you words as tools that can destroy my heart."

The curse of the doomed lovers.

"I won't fall in love with fallin'; I will try to avoid those eyes. But now I'm here to give you words as tools that can destroy my heart."

The Will Turner/Elizabeth Swan dynamic.

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I have 10 chapters left in Gideon the Ninth help me. Help. I love this book. I want to write muses from this series. Oh no.