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nblahova · 5 years

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Three Days

21.03.2020

I’m sitting in the kitchen of my grandparents' old apartment. I’m alone, and will, with no exception, stay alone for the next 14 days. I’m wearing my flowery kimono, listening to jazz, drinking Turkish coffee. My brain is full of the happenings of past days. The worst three days of my life.

On 17th March I was still in Amsterdam, the city that’s been home of mine for past 6,5 years. I decided to pause my part-time job and to stay at home as much as possible. My health condition puts me in risk group and I assumed taking distance from everyone is the most responsible, not just for myself but for the others too. I planned on waiting it through at home, and i felt safe, felt good. I thought how exciting it is to be told to take it slow, to read, watch movies, hopefully start planning and making work for my upcoming solo show in June.

I’ve questioned my position in Amsterdam in past months, especially after I graduated. I’ve never been very nationalistic in sense of thinking that my home country is the best place for me. However, after finishing art school I slowly started to play with the idea of moving back - I missed the nature, I missed the real grown food in our countryside home, I thought artists maybe have it a little lighter and easier over there. Over past months I’ve been switching between “I need to go back”, “I’m scared to go back” and “I cannot let myself go back”. Oh, how irrelevant those thoughts and feelings are now! No one would have thought we all appear in strange times like these.

I’ve been subletting a house from a girl, who went on Erasmus to Prague. On 17th March she called me saying her studies have been cancelled and she has to return back to The Netherlands. She packed her bags and went back home the following day. At this point the pressure from my family was real strong - they wanted me back in Slovakia no matter what - and the chances to return were already limited. We made a quick decision to pack my stuff in the boxes (after 6 weeks of living there), pack my suitcases and book the very last flight to Vienna. I was lucky to get the very last seat on that plane, knowing that the airport would shut down the same day at midnight. I cried and cried, thinking how unfair and unfortunate it is, how nothing worse can happen to me. Leaving my life behind (in boxes), leaving my love, my friends. I cried as my boyfriend dropped me off at Amsterdam airport, I cried in the departure hall. I spent an hour waiting in line to get my suitcase checked in. People were nervous, there was an obvious fear in the hall. Almost like the one I remember from those times of terrorist attacks. I could sense everyone feeling vulnerable, unsafe.

When I finally got to check in desk, the lady behind cheerfully congratulated me on being able to take the last plane ever. We laughed about my suitcase being just 22.9kg, and how I managed to pack my life for unknown future within the allowed limit. Just after I handed her my passport she looked at the computer screen and went “Hopla. New update.” It must have been around 12:40 around that time. Apparently, just minutes before someone has decided to allow only Austrian citizens on this plane. None of this was mentioned on any websites around that time (I kept thoroughly checking Amsterdam Schiphol airport website, Vienna Schwechat airport website, KLM airline website). I was rejected. Explaining how Vienna airport is actually where all Slovaks fly, how close it is to our borders and how every other country surrounding Slovakia is shut down was of no use. I was not allowed to board this plane. I took all my belongings, went outside and just cried. People laughed at me for wearing a mask, people took distance not understanding why this young woman, with latex gloves on, cries so hard.

Normally I work well in emergency situations, but this time I felt caged. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t name what I wanted. I thought that maybe going back to Slovakia isn’t so bad, now that I’ve been rejected.

To make it a little more clear for the ones who don’t know - probably one of the worst fears of us young Slovaks is being banned from travelling. The past is still too present of how our parents and grandparents have been locked down in one country for decades. We were raised thinking this cannot happen to us, ever again. We were encouraged to move, to value it, to enjoy it, to really use the freedom they never had. Slovakia might be politically unstable, but one thing we try to protect is the freedom of movement, of speech, of act. We cannot let ourselves go backwards in this one.

But this fight is of a different kind. It’s a war led by a virus. It doesn’t care about the politics, nor about the borders or passports. At the same time, the measurements most of the countries took are political for many. Not being able to get back to my homecountry is something I would have never ever imagined. Not being able to work out one little hole in the system, where I could let myself through. Being too alone to deal with this, with noone being able to help me.

The plane I was supposed be on departed and I was back again in my, now former, house. I called the Slovak embassy, where they suggested to sign up for repatriation. The word I have learnt just a few days ago. And yes, it’s as serious as it sounds. Slovak government has arranged transportation of Slovaks who wish to get back. (The estimated amount of Slovaks abroad is around 250 000, of barely 6mil. citizens). I was told to register and wait for a confirmation email. In this case, they wouldn’t confirm everyone. They would prioritise people based on their age, health state, and reason why they are abroad and why they need to return. I was approved within 2 hours. The bus would leave the next day, filled with other citizens, most likely also the infected ones. We would have to sign a document, where we declare that we will suffer (the actual English translation of the word they used) though obligatory quarantine in a place set up by government. There we would spend next 14 days, waiting to be tested and if proven negative, we would be allowed to go home to continue the self-isolation. These places are in different cities around the country, empty buildings or hotels, hosting 3-5 people in one room, banned from leaving the room at all. For people of risk group like me this would mean almost no chance to avoid getting infected too. At this point I had only two choices - to stay in Amsterdam, to be potentially homeless, for sure jobless, not knowing when and how this all ends, and therefore financially unprepared - or to go back to Slovakia and take the risk of getting very ill.

I was lucky enough to get in contact with one Slovak, who has been rejected to board that plane too. This was a pure coincidence of my mother calling their neighbours, who’s friends have a son studying in Amsterdam. We spoke on the phone and feared the transport as well as the obligatory quarantine. But there wasn’t any other way.

Almost by the time I made peace with getting ill, something has happened. Czech government has allowed Slovak citizens to transit through their country. Up until then there was a ban for all international citizens, including Slovaks (which again, something we would have never thought, after being Czechoslovakia for so long). We booked an early morning plane to Prague and waited. My boxes were packed, stored in the attic of my former house, my suitcase filled with my much needed medicine for upcoming 6-12 months.

I got to the airport at 4am, being let through check in at around 5am. First victory. Us Slovaks waited nervously at the gate, not knowing whether they let us through. When the plane started to board, I was stopped because my passport wasn’t Czech. At this point I was ready to go through dead bodies (Slovak saying). I showed them my declaration of just transiting through Czech republic. They probably didn’t have time to check the new updates and let me through. The plane was full in the back, however empty in front. Just a few people sat there, with approximate distance of 3m from each other. I believe these were either infected, or just waiting for the results. We were told not to move to empty seats in any case.

The plane landed. We got out and as the Schengen zone is closed now, had to be checked at security. (Again, unimaginable thing for us Slovaks in our former home country). Two of us were let through, me and the guy weren’t. We were handed a paper that said “No tourists, no internationals.” No matter what out history is, on paper we are internationals now. They took out passports, the declarations and we waited again. They let us go after 15 minutes, stating strictly how we need to exit the country as soon as possible. We had booked a car, but as Czechia is locked down, all car rentals were closed. We were lucky enough that the company we have chosen had one extra car to be moved to Slovakia. We got this car and drove away. Usually it’s about 3,5h drive from Prague to Bratislava. Roads were full of international trucks, who mostly drove both on left and right lane, blocking us from passing. Before we reached Czech-Slovak borders we got stuck in about 25km traffic - one lane, filled with truck drivers who have probably been there for hours already. Rudely we drove past them and reached the borders. Police stopped us. We told them we’re Slovaks and need to get back home. They escorted us towards Slovak border. Then Slovak police stopped us. We didn’t leave the car, but been tested for body temperature. We had to give out our personal information including our ID number, phone number and the address where we will stay next 14 days. We were told not to leave the house, not even to take the garbage out. The police joked about three boys being in one quarantine together and me alone and separate, and how more enjoyable it would be for them to have a woman around. I had to bite my tongue, but this was not a situation to fight sexism. They let us through.

Boys drove me to this apartment where my father already waited, wearing gloves and a face mask. We couldn’t hug or touch, but I could see how relieved he was to have me back. My family has prepared the apartment for me, filled with food and sweet little messages and pictures laying around. I put on jazz music and went for a cigarette on my balcony. Spring equinox, 21 degrees outside. My only touch with outside will be this balcony for upcoming 14 days, but I couldn’t feel happier and safer in that very moment. I made it.

I’m shaky writing this down. The trauma I have from past days will be hard to get over. My worst nightmares happened all in just two short days.

When being rejected from the plane (and not knowing that this would get even worse) someone who heard about my story called me “an adult woman that should be able to deal with this on her own”. That is a mind of someone privileged enough to say such thing. Someone that has never appeared in this situation where their rights and freedoms were taken away. And I pray for them to never ever experience this.

Hopefully this virus will change something in people’s mind, finally understanding the struggles many face daily - immigrants, people living in war zones, people being discriminated based on their nationality or ethnicity. When someone as privileged as me can end up like this - how about the one’s that have been limited way before this virus took over? I’m angry remembering all these people in Amsterdam laughing at me two weeks ago when I said the situation is serious. The ones laughing at me for wearing a mask, those organising corona parties or brunching in city centre every day instead of home-office working. The ones that said this is just a flu and it cannot hit us, white Western people. Because nothing can touch us, right? Oh, and please forbid if our economy gets affected. Our comfort and luxury.

I know much and many will be affected by this. Some will loose their jobs, become poor. Some will die. There’s no way to joke about this anymore. It’s too late. We have to develop new way of being, of discipline, we have to start working together, for ourselves and everyone else. To follow maybe strict rules given by governments, to simplify our way of living and consuming. The change is needed. I wish for the best to all of us, for strong health and for being able to overcome these days, weeks, possibly months. We’re in this together.

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