nd-universe

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I love that some of my most popular comics on here are the ones about autism I love this autism website

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Was I neglected as a child? Checklist

Bold if you experienced it, italicize if you’re not sure. If you read a line and it rings true for you, but you think ‘that’s my fault because I never said anything’, bold that line! This is about your experience, not blame assignment. (tw for painful content ahead)

Physical neglect

I couldn’t count on having clean and decent appropriate clothing every day.

I couldn’t count on having decent meals every day

It was my responsibility to make food/assure there’s clothing even at a very young age, or there would be none

I couldn’t count on being taken to a doctor when I needed it

I was not receiving proper vaccinations/medications as a child

I was not taken care of for my injuries, flu’s, fevers, or health issues

I was left alone and ignored when sick

I felt guilty, ashamed and/or scared when sick

Nobody noticed if I was injured, sick, or scared of something that was happening to my body

It was safer for me to keep my sickness/injuries/medical fears to myself

I felt it would bother everyone, or make everyone mad with me if I admitted to being sick, hurt, or scared about my well being

I had to take care of other kids as a child, so my physical well being felt like an afterthought, it was something I was supposed to take care of myself

If I was taken care of physically, it was used as a blackmail later, I would be required to allow myself to be controlled as a return 'favour’

My medical issues were neglected to the point where they turned into long-term issues later

Emotional neglect

I haven’t felt it was safe or welcome to open up to my parents or caretakers as a child

I was not encouraged or supported in expressing my emotions or experiences

I was not encouraged to speak about my passions, desires, or what I wanted from life

I was repeatedly attacked, shamed, ridiculed or manipulated with any private information I would share, forcing me to learn to hide

I was not welcome to speak unless I was somehow entertaining or giving out vital info

It was communicated to me in subtle or direct ways that it doesn’t matter what I want or need, and that nobody cares

I was shamed and accused for wanting/needing attention

I was not receiving supportive or warm physical attention as a child (encouraging pats at the shoulder, affectionate hugs, being stroked in approving/affectionate way)

I felt uncomfortable receiving physical attention from my parents as a child because it communicated ownership and non-consensual enforcement, rather than approval and pride

I felt completely alone in any hardship and pain as a child, and knew nobody would stand by my side

I didn’t feel safe asking for help, explanations, reassurance, comfort, physical attention or to be listened to

I felt like a burden if I wanted for someone to hug me and tell me it’s all going to be okay

I was never comforted or reassured after crying or having a breakdown

I would get ignored, laughed at, humiliated or punished for crying, breaking down, or exploding in rage

I was taught that what I feel is irrelevant, and I would do better to stop expressing it

I was taught that expressing any painful emotion would get me nowhere, and it was better/safer to hide it

I spend hours crying or breaking down in pain/terror/stress/anxiety/catastrophizing alone with no comfort and nobody who cared or wanted to hear what I was going thru

I was to take the role of comforting and emotionally caretaking for my parents, or other children

Psychological neglect

My parents didn’t notice I was depressed/anxious/psychologically unwell

My parents failed to provide me with a diagnosis for adhd, autism, or similar struggle, and I had to live and deal with it all on my own

My parents failed to believe me I was mentally ill or struggling with any kind of disability or trauma, leaving me to endure it all on my own

My fears about my value, or my future, were only intensified by my parents behaviour; I never felt reassured and secure in my current living conditions, and even less my future ones

My parents failed to acknowledge my sexuality, gender, world view, and pretended it wasn’t there

My parents failed to notice I was self-harming

My parents failed to notice I was engaging in other self-destructive activities that could have, or did, cause long term damage to my life

My parents failed to notice or do anything about changes in my behaviour that signalled trauma (becoming aggressive, clingy, dissociated, numb, closed up, bed-wetting, nightmares)

My parents failed to notice I was missing school

My parents failed to notice I was failling into addictions

My parents failed to notice I was suicidal

My parents failed to notice my suicide attempts

Lack of protection

I was unsupervised for long periods of time as a small child

I was exposed to physical danger as a child without my parents noticing or reacting to it

I was exposed to physical danger and physical violence, by my parents

I was exposed to pedophiles and child predators as a child and was never warned, protected or removed from their influence

I was introduced to pedophiles and child predators by my family members

I was never given protection from bullies, or any unfair treatment during my education

I was never given support or comfort after being hurt by a stranger or a peer

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by another child, and nobody noticed

I was bullied/abused/sexually assaulted by a sibling/neighbour/relative/teacher/peer, and nobody noticed/nobody stood by my side or tried to protect me

I was groomed by a predator (who could even be a family member) and nobody protected me or stopped it from happening

I was exposed to and groomed by a cult, and nobody seemed to notice, care, or help me get out of it

I was not given the knowledge to recognize a sexual assault on me, or grooming or any other predatory behaviour from strangers or other adults

I never felt protected from any outside danger, or felt like I was worth protecting; instead I was taught to feel guilty and ashamed for getting hurt at all

If you have bolded more than 4 of these, you have experienced neglect, and you were forced to struggle alone thru experiences that you were not meant to handle or survive on your own. Neglect is the type of abuse that will have the most disastrous consequences on your trust in people, your relationships, self worth, feeling of community, and will ensure that everything you were put thru is unexpressed, unresolved, and weighing down on your life. You did not deserve to be neglected like this, and none of the above is the result of your behaviour. You were not supposed to be put thru any of this alone, much less as a child.

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Me: mentions childhood incident I thought was normal

Friends: ummmm that's emotional abuse

Me: starts noticing how I tend to have panic attacks or dissociate when my parents do or say certain things, tries to talk to them about it

My parents: You're lying and making this all up

Me: spends years thinking that I'm crazy and blaming myself

You're not crazy - someone is gaslighting you.

You can speak up.

It is never your fault.

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You are not what your abuser says you are.

You are good. You are strong. You can be independent. You can thrive. You are wonderful without them. You do not need them.

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Warnings for autism and ADHD related ableism discussion

I think there's something really interesting about the different traumas acquired by being autistic or having ADHD in a shitty ableist society.

The two disorders have a significant amount of overlap. Of course they're not the same and each comes with its own challenges that the other may not have but, when compared with other disorders/neurodivergencies, for all intents and purposes they are very similar.

However, society's perception of them is almost the exact opposite, which gives people who have one or the other wildly different kinds of disabled trauma.

Society at large likes to think they know a great deal about each of these disorders, but really knows almost nothing. What it comes down to is this:

Society believes and treats autistic people as if their entire personality, capability levels, and potential to succeed as a human is hinged to their autism, and they don't have a confident outlook on that, so they treat autistic people as if they can't do anything or are stupid. Autistic people have to continuously fight to be seen as something other than their autism (or in addition to it, of course, because I don't mean to say they're trying to escape their autism)

And on the flip side, society believes that ADHD is a myth, an excuse, a made up word for children that won't behave or are undisciplined, or a childhood disorder that 'goes away.' People consistently underestimate the symptoms/traits of ADHD, aren't aware of them, or don't believe them. People with ADHD are constantly told that these symptoms/traits are their own shortcomings rather than part of their ADHD. ADHD people have to continuously fight to be seen as having the disorder that massively affects their lives.

Because of these nearly opposite societal takes on each of these disorders, despite their similarities, autistic people and ADHD people end up, largely, being traumatized in opposite ways.

On the one hand there are autistic people who have any failure blamed on their "inherent inadequacy" due to their autism, taking away their sense of ownership, control, and agency of regular, human mistakes or failures they've experienced. And on the other, you've got people with adhd who have failures that are actually caused by symptoms of their disorder being told that they simply didn't try hard enough or that they clearly don't care or it wouldn't have happened.

(also to clarify, I don't mean to say that autistic people don't also have failures or mistakes caused by symptoms and that ADHD people have some that aren't, just that no matter what caused it, this seems to be the societal response)

In the end, you get commonalities in both groups that are directly caused by these societal traumas. Actually, there are two extremes that happen in both groups for the exact opposite reasons, and, often, these extremes coexist/alternate depending on the company.

The first extreme is refusing to unmask and making yourself very serious. For autistic people this seems to also come frequently with a kind of shyness because they're afraid if they say something that's "wrong" or that shows they missed subtext, they'll give ammunition to those who infantilize them. For those with ADHD this extreme comes with constantly overworking themselves, killing themselves with stress, and minimizing every struggle because they're terrified that if they relax for one second, or validate that something was difficult because of their ADHD, the people who called them lazy are right and they're just making excuses for their shortcomings. They seek desperately to prove to themselves and others that they do try.

The other extreme is leaning heavily into the stereotypes and abusive accusations they've faced their whole lives. For autistic people, this can mean taking on learned helplessness and refusing to try new things because they believe they really can't do it by themselves, ending up with less agency because they rely on help they don't really need but are too scared to forego. For those with ADHD, it can mean developing class clown syndrome and completely giving up on trying because no matter how hard they try, they can never get a result that satisfies society when they're constantly fighting symptoms that hinder their success. Both of these are self fulfilling prophecies that end up pushing them into the hole they felt it was impossible to avoid.

People with both disorders get to flip a coin on which trauma they get more of. Regardless of which one led to more trauma, the results end up looking the same - they're likely to fit into one of the two extremes.

Anyway, I don't really have a solid point to all of this - it's just some observations I've made on how the trauma inflicted on both of these groups is wildly different and yet often yields the same results for opposite reasons.

If anyone has anything to add, I really would love to hear!

[nd-universe]

Would you spend a day with younger you?

If so, what young you age would you meet with?

What would you say to them?

What would you do?

I’d love to meet with younger me.

I’d observe toddler me from ages 2-4 and take so many notes. I’d tell them to keep being authentic me. We would go to the playground together and stay on the swings or a tire swing. Maybe I’d cuddle with them in a hammock.

I’d also want to spend a day with tween me. Maybe specifically aged 8-12. I’d tell them to be themselves.

Speak up and stand your ground. It’s okay that math is hard. You are not lazy. Try to advocate for yourself. Make it clear that this is difficult for you. Talk to teachers and get accommodations.

Then we would go to the woods and take photos. Clear our minds and exist in peace. Reflect and ground ourselves so we feel less like a pathetic blob with no reason to live. I want to show them that they can stay alive and they will believe in themselves. It will be okay.

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Giving me a silent place to take tests?

Fine.

I’ll just be confused In Silence.

Give me a little extra time to do work?

Fine.

I’ll just be confused for A Little Extra Time.

Let me audio record lectures?

Fine.

I’ll just listen to the recording and be equally as confused as I was when I was already present at said lecture.

Get someone to help me study?

Fine.

I try that and quickly realize that people who just Know How To Do Things don’t really know the ins and outs of said concept well enough to “teach” it to someone who doesn’t think or understand the world the way they do.

I need help learning.

I need help comprehending.

I need help understanding.

And nobody seems to know to help.

I’ve tried everything, not once, not twice, but time and time again.

And I’m tired. I’m not lazy; 

I Am Tired.

[nd-universe]

IEP or EIP, they are the same thing. An education plan unique to the individual.

My brother had one for his speech delay and I also found that he was aggressive as a child…well I should say he’s been aggressive since childhood. He qualified for special needs education because of it and probably because he had a little bit of hearing difficulty and a speech impediment.

My sister also had an IEP for a speech delay too. She was 2 years old and not saying much. She kind of stopped professing her speech at 2 but her IEP didn’t last long and she continued to mainstream school.

Me, well I was born with mild to moderate hearing loss but I’ve never fully qualified for any hearing aid or similar devices. Honestly, I remember my mom telling me to sit close to the front when I first got glasses and to have my good ear(right ear) face the teacher as best as I could. Turns out both my ears have deafness but one hears high pitch and the other hears low pitches. I also have a speech disorder and with short sentences and words I was very hard to understand. I struggled to say what I wanted which lead to a very frustrated tot but I was very relaxed and content. In my toddler group, I rarely interacted with my peers. One report stated: “snacktime listed about 10 minutes and [Redacted] ate in silence”. I was just a toddler so the lack of socialising with those my age, communicating for long periods of time, and struggle to communicate my needs were issues that would “mature with time”. At least I was close to my teachers and adults. Do those count as friends?

It’s frustrates me though. Looking back and reading these reports and evaluations, I saw so many red flags but this was the early Y2K.

A child who couldn’t say short words to communicate thoughts and just made noises. A toddler continuing to babble and make hard consonant sounds but again, it was deemed just something I’d grow out of. Asking me to speak louder because my tone and volume where not at levels to be understood. Even repeating myself didn’t help. My records say I had a moment where I said “gance” repetitively and just smiled when I was asked to repeat myself. I don’t even know what I meant by gance. Dance? Pants? Who knows.

What I do know is that my childhood development was not at the same level as peers. I have documented proof of such. From birth to now, I have always been a very quiet and reserved person. I was never fussy and only cried when I was frustrated— that hasn’t changed.

If you saw a toddler sitting on a bench at a park watching their peers play and laugh, wouldn’t that confuse or concern you?

Am I disabled? Prior to finding my files from early childhood, I didn’t fully consider myself disabled. I have mobility issues as my scoliosis, flat feet, and limb length differences cause many challenges with standing, sitting, and walking. There are other people who have it worse than me but that doesn’t mean I’m not disabled. I have a communication disorder, I have mental illnesses, and a sleep disorder which is valid and I should be treated fairly in life but I’m not. It’s actually a struggle for me and with it being disability pride month, I want to continue advocating for myself and others. I want children to have continued monitoring of their development even after they are deemed “not disabled”. Just because you aren’t “disabled enough” doesn’t mean you should live a life in the dark thinking you’re not trying hard enough and pushing myself way beyond burn out. It hurts a child’s mental health and I am proof of such.

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Executive dysfunction gothic

- You have to shower. You cannot shower. You are standing right in front of the shower. You want to shower. You cannot shower.

- The meeting begins. “Did everyone see the email?” There is a chorus of nodding heads. You nod, too. You think you may possibly have checked an email account before, on one single occasion, at some unknown time, probably in a past life.

- You are hungry. You have been hungry for three days now. The hunger has not spontaneously resolved itself. How inconvenient, you think. How rude.

- You depend on your planner/calendar. You loathe your planner/calendar. You can’t function without it. You live in constant fear of it. It’s an unhealthy relationship. You think you both should start seeing other people.

- There is a pile on your floor. It is a treasure trove, the Room of Requirement. It has everything. You look for something specific. It has nothing. There was never any pile.

- There’s been a change of plans, they say. You don’t understand. They repeat: “there’s been a change of plans.” You don’t understand. The mere suggestion causes a buzzing in your head that drowns out everything else. You don’t understand.

- You’re in class and you don’t understand the lecture. You look back at your past notes. You look at a calendar. You have not been to class in two weeks. You have no memory of this supposed time. Where did it go? Why did it leave?

- “Organizational tips for success: Keep a planner! Write it down! Stick to a schedule! Make a list!” You are torn between deranged laughter and ugly crying. You choose both.

[nd-universe]

What to do when you’re having a poor executive function day/been sitting in front of your computer for a few hours wondering why you can’t do your work: 

1. Take a deep breath - Let out all that anxiety over the project you’re doing so you can think clearly

2. Pull up a clean sheet of paper and something to write with - You can use a fresh word doc, new page in your journal or planner or whatever else works for you, the idea is that after this you will have a physical list to look at to help keep you on task.

3. Identify your obstacles (i.e. What is keeping you from doing this task?) - For example: Is it scary? If so, why? Does it feel too hard? Is there something else that you feel needs to be done first? Write these down!

4. Plan how to overcome your obstacles - This can take some creativity and some thinking to best figure out how to overcome the obstacle. I’ve included examples below for potential plans.

Example 1:

Obstacle: I don’t know the best way to approach this task.

Plan: Brainstorm on paper ways that you might be able to approach this task. Google ways to accomplish this task. Review lecture notes or example homework problems on how to accomplish this task. Ask a friend/coworker/classmate how they might start the task. Write down everything you feel might be relevant until you feel like you know where to start and where to go.

Example 2:

Obstacle: This feels too big and overwhelming so I don’t want to do it.

Plan: Break down the tasks into smaller, tiny tasks. Make them as small as you need to make them feel manageable. Write down all these tasks check them off as you go. 

Example 3:

Obstacle: I’m waiting for someone to get back to me with comments on this project but they’re taking too long.

Plan: Follow up with this person and identify what you can do without their comments. For example, if you’re waiting for someone to sent you a section of a project or paper, write your section to the best of your ability. Can you have someone else review this project and still get good feedback. Or tell yourself you’ll revise/edit your project and integrate their comments later when you get to them. Often when I identify what feels out of order, I can move past it or put it farther down my list so I’m no longer just stuck waiting.

5. Encourage yourself and commend yourself for filling in the gaps actively that your brain couldn’t do on it’s own today. - You’re doing a great job!

Sincerely,

A Graduate Student with Adult ADHD

[nd-universe]

When you grow up with so many undiagnosed and/or unrecognised problems, it becomes increasingly difficult to accept it yourself. I have had anxiety for ages but it still is ignored by my family. I am called dramatic and overly sensitive yet my brother and sister need patience from others because of their anxiety.

Did you forget about seventh grade when you first found out about my self harm?

I am deaf. Mild to moderate in both ears but it was moderate to moderately severe when in was a baby. I don’t need hearing aids but I still feel so guilty abs pathetic for asking to have something repeated to me over three times.

I cancelled an audiology appointment last year because my family was doing something that day. It was a hearing aid consultation and evaluation.

I put so much energy into seeing specialists that when I get answers and share them with my family so they are aware, I get dismissed and any further efforts to get help I give up on.

I should get an MRI and see a behavioural therapist because I have had many undiagnosed concussions and I pretty much have autism. My mother ignored this and I made no effort to go to my follow up appointment.

Why should I try to get answers only for me to feel worse than before? I’d rather be in the dark than feel like I have been thrown into the ocean with no ability to swim to shore.

All I want is to be myself fully without yelling, shame, or tears. The only person who truly accepts me for every drop of me is my partner. I love that but I wish more people were like that to me…

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TW ED

In 2015 I weighed 141.5 pounds.. 5 years later, I tipped the scale at 186.5 pounds. This morning I weigh 162.5 pounds and dropping. Almost 25 pounds dropped since December 2020. I thought I was fat, unhealthy, and disgusting back at 141.5 lbs. I think I am doing well and looking better at 162.4 but I want to lose more. I want to get to 155lbs but seeing I was 140 before..maybe I want to be down to that again.

I am not a story to praise. I don’t want to hear congratulations for my appearance. I heard it when I was starving myself to tears my freshman year of college. I should be shamed because I started my weight loss in such an unhealthy way.

Now I am using one of those mirror workout things and I try to use it 3 times a week so that does deserve praise.

I try to eat better but I get urges. I get the same urges from middle school where I would hoard food in my room or shove food down my throat quietly in the bathroom. I then felt ashamed and disgusting. Well..I started doing that again...making ramen in my room and chugging the liters of root beer and ginger ale I keep under my bed. I am confused though because of the other urge.

I lost 5 or so pounds by purging when I started trying to drop some weight this year. I'd eat small portions of meals only to flush it down the toilet. Coming from someone who is so obsessed with dental hygiene, it should not be surprising if I stated it takes a lot for me to keep up the purging. I developed a new habit from this though...I need to brush my teeth when I know I am done eating. It forces me to not purge when I feel that creeping in my throat.

But I am confused because alongside the binge and purge, I starved myself for half my freshman year of college. I think I still do that? I skip breakfast and lunch frequently and find satisfaction when I eat earlier than 6pm for my evening meal.

Is it okay to enjoy the feeling of being hungry? The pinching empty pain in my stomach. The acid reflux and nausea..I hate it but I love it because I know I can lose weight from this. I want to say I had an eating disorder when I was 12 up until 18 but I am 23 now and not much has changed. I never went to get help and no one has said anything so I guess I don't have an eating disorder anymore? Or did I even have one, to begin with?

I guess it safe to say, I am royally confused as fuck and I don’t know what to do about it.