ndrbrnrd

[ndrbrnrd]

Multi-Dimensional

The monologues I write, are heavily encrypted. Expressed but encrypted in a secret code A secret code that can only be cracked if you know my life, my feelings, my experiences, my pain. They are mental keys, that will unlock and jog my memory The mirror of viewing this not in 2D, 3D, or even 4D But viewing it not with words, but with abstract logic. It comprises with every line said, every meeting had, every action done Adding up, multiplying, exponentially growing in complexity and context. Problem is that my feelings cannot be expressed elegantly in verbal words How do I explain the pain of pain, chronic, toxic pain Left, right, center, above and below Every corner I go, every perspective I turn to. All I run into is pain. But my feelings, for you, for this, for everything are multi-dimensional Multi-dimensional in a sense of professional expertise in separating emotions of anger, sadness, patience, and ultimately love Love for you, love and care for our relationship To care so much about you, so professionally, that I want to be kind, I need to be kind To not care, is not me Without love, what are we? What is the point? The moment I walk out that door and to never return  Will subconsciously hit you in ways you will not realize To flip it, are my feelings honest? I sit here in pain, but with love Is it love, when there are underlying intentions of purpose To maintain, to care, when there's something in return An investment of a reward To love with no reservations, to care It's not ultimately what I'm working towards Every move I make, is it worth the suffering When you clearly will never see Nor do I ever want you to see, how much I truly suffer To love is for you to not see my pain And so, I hide, even though you see me I take pride, so much pride In how professional I've become that the lines have been blurred And my feelings have been slaughtered  As I lie here with love and care till the end.

[ndrbrnrd]

Sandwiches

Sometimes sandwiches fall apart, and putting them back together isn't the same. It doesn't mean you don't miss them.

[ndrbrnrd]

I know you think you love him, but, at the end of the day, it's a transitory chemical feeling that's not worth losing your career over.

The Morning Show: Season 1 Episode 9 - Play the Queen

[ndrbrnrd]

2018: An 8 Month Reflection - Time

It’s funny just how professional I am at procrastinating. It is currently the end of 2019 and yet I still owed myself one final blog post of this 2018: An 8 Month Reflection series. The ironic thing is, it’s about time. 

Regardless, I have been breaking all of my promises to myself for this series and this was the worst one. Maybe because I really don’t want to sit down at 1am in the morning (well I could do it earlier) where most of the city is sleeping and deal with my thoughts. Although I realized, I can only sit down and really listen to my thoughts at this part of the night. Why tonight though? Why have I decided to finally do this tonight? To put it simplistically, let’s just say I fail at dealing with feelings and emotions. This past year and of course 2018 has been a lot for someone as ignorant as me and I guess I finally have to be an adult and bite the bullet. My list has expanded since last year and this post was on the “to do list”. I just didn’t want to do it. It’s simple as that. It’s much easier to take the year off and not have to deal with feelings, but the funny thing is this post is the easiest one to deal with in comparison to the other few more things I need to resolve in my life. 

Time. I wanted this post to be special, which is why I kept it to the very end of the series. I needed the time from the previous four posts to compile my thoughts and execute them elegantly on this one. Sadly, I really used the concept of time (more than 1 year) and funny thing is I don’t think it’s going to be as elegant as I hoped to write it. 

Now to start digging through my past of a year ago...

After everything that was mentioned in the previous four posts, showed that it took me 8 months to really reflect and analyze what I was going through. If this was written in 2018, I would have written this post by saying how much time I need to figure out my next path and to learn to move on emotionally from that hardship. The only way I was able to do so, was to find a better opportunity with time. Now that it’s been one year, it’s safe for me to say that I did overcome it. All the pain and suffering as I wrote those posts are now just words of my past. They really were notes and definitions of what I needed in my life. Before writing this I read the previous four posts and memories of the emotions I felt during that time came back, but I no longer feel them now. 

I needed the time to reflect on my mental and physical health of 2018, and to start putting my well being first. Even if it meant not dealing with particular people due to stress or immersing myself with a new internship. The decisions and life events I have made this year during my year off from school helped me learn that healing from this part of my life is possible. What happened in 2018, significantly contributed to attaining a new and fruitful internship, but it also contributed to learning what I really need in life. Because of that, I started focusing on myself and keeping busy by being around people that add inspiration and hope. Of course, it did give me the excuse to procrastinate my past (as you can see with this very late post) but I don’t regret the time I’ve used to do so. 

I hope company x is doing well. I think about them from time to time, but all my feelings from this 2018 experience have disappeared and remain as words and stories of my past. At this point, I feel nothing for them. No hate, no anger, no pain. No sorrow. I am free from them in terms of a job position, and from their impact of my emotional and mental well being. 

[ndrbrnrd]

2018: An 8 Month Reflection - Relationships

Current time: 11:50pm on Wednesday August 22nd. It finally seems like I’m going to make my deadline right? Wrong. It usually takes me about 40min or more to compose my thoughts as I’m typing. The little rants here and there (like now) and then actually expressing my point takes time, which I am pretty much procrastinating right now. I mean I guess I’m improving, I’m starting to actually type before Wednesday night is over. 

Relationships. Why did I even pick this topic to write about in terms of my 8 months?  I chose to talk about it because this whole 8 month experience has made me think a lot about relationships in general, but more specifically: work relationships.

I really think it’s more of the fact that I never really felt like had a work relationship with the people I directly work with. At first it was all fresh and new, supervisor starts to train me so I would be in her proximity and here and there we would have little chats and I would get to know her personality. With less than a month, she stopped showing up and things became more long distant since I was sufficiently trained enough to function on my own and to do the job. Communication was by text or email and visits were mostly once a week. When they came to visit, it was very short and brief and on some weeks there was no point to have a meeting at all. Even through distant communication, replies between both parties became slow since both were busy in their own labs/doing other things. Not only that, sometimes important questions were not answered especially in a sense of urgency or security even when they were out of the country. Yes, communication through text and email occurred in order to get tasks done, but there is a difference having the physical presence of a co-worker/supervisor in your work environment vs. working together remotely. This taught me several things.

It taught me a lot about communication. Every relationship needs to have a solid foundation on communication. How often you communicate, reply and interpret each other’s questions, needs and concerns. This means it really is a two way street, where both parties need to be free to express their thoughts without the other party shutting them down in a rude or a hurtful manner while being completely professional. I personally never felt like I was part of the company, it was as if I was third wheeling a work relationship and I was only being exposed/spoon fed small tidbits of information without getting the whole picture and the motive behind it. It made me realize midway through that their needs for me are completely the opposite of my needs from them. Trying to communicate my end, I was shut down as a result and I did not take it too well internally. 

I learned that I did not like long distant/remote relationships. Sure, I was okay if I did not need to go to the lab and I can work from home, but I did not like the fact I did not have a direct co-worker with me on working days. I show up to no one, I leave to no one. Being a ghost in my environment was the easiest thing to do. Part of the reason why I was so interested in lab work was the team based environment or working side by side in proximity to a co-worker that is doing the same work as you. Personally with me, I learn through people. I learn about what they do, their journey, and how to be proficient in the work they do. Also it makes things easier for me to express my struggles with what I have to do to someone in the company instead of someone outside the company. It makes getting through the work day a lot easier knowing that there is someone with you than going through it alone. Yes there were members in the lab facility I socialize with, but it was mostly small talk. Majority of the time we keep to ourselves because the other members are from different companies with their own work schedules that don’t necessarily coincide with what I need to do. At times I admit, I got envious whenever I see the other lab members laughing at something someone said or display teamwork in their lab efforts. It was something I always wanted which made me feel lonely during my days. To repeat that 5 days a week for about 8 hours gets to you, and sometimes distractions such as texting friends during work (finding some other distraction drug) doesn’t completely fill the void that is missing in your work life. I love having a job that I can wake up and go to everyday, to be excited to see co-workers or start a new project with someone; personally I cannot see myself consistently working from home, I like the mobility and the versatility, but I need that other place I can go to get away from life’s issues/family problems and develop work/team relationships. Don’t get me wrong, I like to be independent in my tasks. I want to be self-sufficient and reliable on my own, but to have that support team around you to complete a long term goal is also what I seek to have. 

If you’re not happy, then let it go. That was an important thing I’ve learned. With the other posts I’ve written about plus this one, it’s pretty obvious how I was emotionally feeling. To myself, I’m known to sacrifice for the sake of the relationship. I will do anything in my power to try and sustain a relationship for whatever reason. This was one job I was willing to push for because it was a step towards a career I’m interested in. All at the same time, it was weighing me down to the point where I am emotionally, physically and mentally drained. I did all this just to maintain a professional relationship with my superiors because of what I said during the interview. If part time was offered I’ve considered staying, but really I needed to move on and find something new even if it means being jobless for a while. It taught me that commitment to a job hurts you more when you’re not happy or when you feel like you’re not part of the work relationship that was established. 

Not all environments are the same, just like any relationships one has with another person. No two relationships are exactly alike, they may be similar/of a certain type but not alike. It is the same core values/needs/expectations in the work relationship that both parties must be able to work out in order for the company and the employee to be successful. I know not every party can get what they want, but I guess that’s where compromise and sacrifice fits in. The thing is, how much are you willing to sacrifice and at what value?

This whole experience really did make me question/reflect/wonder about my relationships in my life and in general. Friends I don’t talk to as much, people in my life I miss, chances I regret not taking. Should I have put more effort? Or should the other party put more effort as well? C’est la vie, and as cheesy as that sounds, it’s a tough act to follow. Personally for me, I learned that in any relationship, you want your environment to be a safe space where you can be yourself to grow and thrive as a person. 

[ndrbrnrd]

2018: An 8 Month Reflection - Alone vs. Lonely

Here we go again, another week has passed and I still didn’t fulfill my deadline. I have no idea when I’ll learn to be on time. I’ve been late for about an hour for the past two weeks. My excuse for this week was completing last minute assignments that was due at the same time this blog post was due, plus I got home at 11pm. Well it’s not like readers are sitting on the computer waiting for 11:59pm to strike, but I’m just making excuses for myself again. Please have hope for me. 

To kinda procrastinate, I’ll go on a little rant session. At this moment it’s 12:45am, and I am alone in my room. Am I lonely? No. My mind is either feeling really tired and wants to sleep (which is why I’m probably rambling) or it’s trying to piece together ideas and sentences for this weekly post. Now, I could go to bed since I do have work tomorrow in the lab which no one is really there, but I really have to type this up. I’ve been disappointed by many people in my life, I can’t be one of those people now. Besides, what would it say about me anyways if I kept delaying it. Bear with me. 

I have started to really notice the difference between alone and lonely. I mean it can get really confusing because it seems like they mean the same thing, but it doesn’t. There are four different possibilities: Alone and not lonely, not alone and lonely, alone and lonely, not alone and not lonely. I’m just here to meander about the first three. 

How I’ve decided to look at it based on my experience is that being alone is when you are physically and spatially the only person in a given environment, whereas being lonely is where you are emotionally/mentally detached in the environment you are in regardless if there are people or not. They say that a person can feel lonely even though they are with a group of friends, or a person can be in a quiet room or going on a hike alone and not feel lonely at all.

With this whole experience, I pretty much felt alone and lonely. Spatially I was alone every single day. I had a big lab room all to myself and I only had to occupy a quarter of it. On rare occasion the vice-president of product development for company x would come in and work on some assays and experiments, but other than that we would not get in each others way since we had ample amount of space between us. At first being alone everyday felt weird, but at the same time it felt great. I was able to dance around, remind myself of things I have to do out loud, text and message friends, listen to music and more recently binge watch Netflix. The privacy was great, and it was nice to know that no one would get in the way of my lab/personal space. The bliss did not last for long. Not only did I feel physically alone, I felt uninvolved in the company. The fact that I did not feel like part of the team and more like a side project created feelings of loneliness in the lab. This affected my motivation and willpower for daily functions such as eating. Friends could only help to an extent, and not all my friends could be there and support me. Regardless, the loneliness was something I had to deal with on my own. 

It was weird how I could feel lonely in the work I do. Maybe it’s because I’m dealing with a long distance work relationship with my superiors and they just did not have time to integrate me in the company, or maybe it’s the combination of the routine repetitive work along with the long distance work relationship. It does get frustrating when you need a second opinion about what you’re doing or any questions you may have and sometimes your superiors are just not the people you need to ask in the moment. It is hard trying to deal with it while maintaining the NDA you have agreed to sign. Whatever this feeling was, it was not something I wanted in a career and in a work environment. 

Currently, as the end is near, I still feel alone and lonely in the lab. Day in and day out I do the same thing everyday on the computer and I do wonder if there is any motivation or reason for me to even show up to the lab. I have been using the private time to be alone with my thoughts and reflect about past meetings with my superiors or just anything and anyone such as friends, family, and even what I want in the future. To be honest, if it wasn’t for those alone periods I would not have been able to write this five part series in a short amount of time (relatively speaking). Out of respect towards my employers, I still show up on days where I can work from home, and to fill the void of loneliness, Netflix has become a great source/drug for me at work till the very end. 

[ndrbrnrd]

2018: An 8 Month Reflection - Motivation

Well, it’s another week and I still didn’t keep the promise to myself in maintaining deadlines. It’s past midnight on a Thursday morning. I try, but I haven’t tried hard enough. If I didn’t make that deadline to myself, I don’t think I’ll ever get to posting on my blog. It really does take motivation. 

According to the Oxford Dictionary: Motivation is “A reason or reasons for acting or behaving in a particular way.” and “Desire or willingness to do something; enthusiasm.”

Going to work every single day is hard. Waking up in the morning, getting ready, and commuting all take energy and time. Not only that, you have to repeat that 5 days a week. Even if you were to work from home, you still have to find that energy to eat breakfast, sit in front of your computer and open that file or that conference call you are suppose to make. Universities offer courses on motivation in the context of psychology, but it’s different when you learn the mechanisms of the theory versus experiencing the will or desire to do something. 

With these past 8 months, my expectation and my reality did not match up. After one month of learning all the motions in running a lab I wanted to move forward in the experience and build on skills. To be able to come to work every single day to practice my skills and learn a new piece of the puzzle is what gives me that drive and desire to do the work I am assigned. Not only that, I wanted to learn more. Learning more about the small start up company and feeling involved with the work I put in is the reason why I would climb that mountain every single day and work for 7 hours or more. It’s not just learning how to do the task it’s why I’m doing the task. I wanted to know what this task looks like in the bigger picture and not just a small piece of the puzzle. I have this burning desire to ask questions and to know more. 

Throughout these 8 months, weekly meetings decreased and communication was to a bare minimum of assignments and tasks. Meetings were only for completed presentations and not weekly discussions. It turned out to be a routine repetitive chore of repeating the same task with no involvement or insight into the company. I did not get to learn/understand the motivation behind the experiments I ran, and how they interpret my data or proceed with further steps afterwards. If any further steps did occur, I was not updated with the progress. I only knew the task I was responsible with, and nothing more. Questions were not really encouraged. I was personally called out for asking too many questions on the job. According to them I asked way too many questions and I’m only there for 7 hours to get paid to just do the job and provide results. After that I am free to go home and speculate any wandering thoughts I have. 

Day after day and week after week was all the same. Same time I start, same time I leave, relatively same tasks I do everyday. I did not have any co-workers who worked on the same tasks/projects as me. In fact I did not have any co-workers in the lab facility I worked in. Socializing became hard and the majority of the days I was alone. Some days I would create small talk with the other members in the lab facility, but it’s not the same as having a co-worker directly working with you every day and developing a relationship. It became harder to go to work everyday and live the 9-5pm lifestyle. 

The earlier months were the hardest. With the lack of involvement in the company I couldn’t find the motivation to show up and do the job. I knew I had to because it was contract based so I needed to think of something. What motivated me was to work and get the job done so I can get out of there as soon as possible. This taught me to be efficient and learn how to manage my time. As a result, my appetite decreased and I didn’t feel hungry throughout the day. This happened repeatedly every single day for about 3 to 4 months. I wouldn’t eat or drink for 8-10 hours and by the time I did eat or drink I wasn’t hungry enough to eat dinner. There was no point in eating or drinking throughout the day if I wanted to get the job done. 

The turning point was getting drunk. It wasn’t the getting drunk part, it was getting a fever the day after. The fever was pretty bad to the point I could not even go to work. I knew from that day on, I had to start taking care of myself. I have to start eating and drinking water more. I learned not to be too strict on myself with the time, I did have the freedom to eat whenever I wanted. so I decided to take the time I need as long as I get the work done as well. 

There were other aspects in my life at that time where motivation was rock bottom. I think the most important motivation I have yet to learn and I’m still learning in many different aspects is the will to move on and to move forward in life through any eventful hardship. 

[ndrbrnrd]

2018: An 8 Month Reflection - Expectations vs. Reality

I didn't keep my word this week. I thought I could do it, balance everything from daily life to writing a blog for one month. As the saying goes “your eyes are bigger than your stomach”. Things to improve on.

In the beginning, after saying yes, I’ve had a lot of presumptions and expectations for this. I did not expect work to be easy, I expect it to be challenging. I hoped it would push me to my limits and change me in ways that would make me a better lab technician/scientist. I expected to learn how to use my brain, to think critically and ask a lot of questions. I expected to be stressed. Stressed in a sense that this job would consume a lot out of me for an 7-8 hour day but I would gain so much out of it that I would feel accomplished by the end of the day. I expected to tell people about the interesting stuff (within confidential limits of course) about what I do. I would learn about the life of a start up business and actually take part in the experience with the role I was assigned to do. I hoped to do more for the company than just for myself and the task at hand. Most of all, I wanted to be an involved motivated team player.

Turns out, expectation kills. Having that hope, makes it hard to adapt in situations where your expectations don’t meet at all. It’s hard though, when you have that expectation, that hope, based off an interview or just in terms of what a job experience should be like. You hope it would be sunshine and rainbows in the most stressful rewarding way possible, but not everything is fair. It was hard adapting to what was expected of me because that didn’t suit my values as a co-op student. There came a point where I wanted to learn more, to know the meaning behind my work and what I did, but they did not seem willing to share it with me.

I tried to find ways to distract myself during work, so I can just get the task at hand done and over with for the day. After work I would distract myself with friends and going out just to fill an empty void. I felt alone at work, in ways that I never thought I would feel. I never knew that not being involved makes you feel alone. As my imagination started running wild, I couldn’t imagine myself being in this type of situation for the rest of my life. I did not want to see myself not growing and developing in a place after 4 months or even longer.

But like I told others, don’t get me wrong. It does not mean this experience did not have value. I did not expect to have so much freedom in a lab space. I was able to take responsibility for myself and be my own manager on a daily basis. Clearly I still had to report to my supervisor, but in terms of micromanaging tasks I was able to do that however and whenever I want to do it. No one was consistently looking over my shoulder. I had responsibilities and I could run the show without anyone to stop me. For that, I am grateful. 

[ndrbrnrd]

2018: An 8 Month Reflection

How do I begin? These past 8 months have been a roller coaster (yes the most cheesiest line) emotionally, mentally, and also physically. It made me question many things about what I want to pursue in life, and all the aspirations and goals I've set as a child to present day. I did not expect that by the end of my co-op I would write a reflection on my blog, and if so it would be the most inspiring uplifting message I would ever write to myself. I would write about all the skills I've learned as a scientist and what it is like to be employed in the biotechnology field. I would write about the technical challenges and frustrations but in the end I would be rewarded with useful skills that would set the path onto the next journey into the field. It would be more of an affirmation that this is what I would want to do with my life and I just needed to be exposed to a different perspective. How do I feel in the end? Still lost.

To end the 8 months, I plan on posting a personal weekly blog post on Wednesdays at 11:59pm for the entire month of August. I realized one long post may not be enough and it would probably be long winded and disorganized. It'll teach me that everything has a due date and motivate me to put all the jumbled up thoughts in my head onto the screen.

[ndrbrnrd]

So if I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo, you know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations, him and the pope, sexual orientations, the whole works, right? But I'll bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You've never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling; seen that. If I ask you about women, you'd probably give me a syllabus about your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman and feel truly happy. You're a tough kid. And I'd ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right, "once more unto the breach dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap, watch him gasp his last breath looking to you for help. I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. And I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.

Sean (Robin Williams) from Good Will Hunting

[ndrbrnrd]

Someone once asked me if I had learned anything from it all. So let me tell you what I learned. I learned everyone dies alone. But if you meant something to someone... If you helped someone... Or loved someone... If even a single person remembers you... Then maybe you never really die. And maybe... this isn't the end at all.''

- Person of Interest S5 E13 Return 0

[ndrbrnrd]

I truly believe that in your early twenties, a relationship’s sole purpose is to help each other grow. There’s a bit of a misconception on what relationships should be like when we’re young. We tend to get so caught up in love with each other and so impatient with wanting to start our lives with our significant other that we start treating our relationship like a marriage. We hold expectations, rushing and forcing the pace. We become possessive over one another, we become selfish, and we sometimes lose ourselves along the way. We tend to forget the main purpose of our early twenties: to find yourself. I’ve been there and I’ve done that. I fell in love with what I thought was the love of my life when I was 18, and by age 21 we broke up. Within those three years we accomplished a lot. We made a lot of mistakes, too — or lessons learned, the way I like to look at it. We rented our first apartment together, and then a few others. We had a joint bank account, cosigned a car, and shared a phone plan. We were so madly in love, so eager to do everything together, and so impatient to start our lives together, not realizing there was no rush. We still had the rest of our lives to focus on our relationship, and we needed to focus on our selves first. After a while, I lost myself, and he lost himself, too. I wasn’t myself anymore; I was Dylan’s girlfriend. He wasn’t Dylan anymore; he was Chelsey’s boyfriend. The things that set my heart on fire, all my passions and interests slowly faded the deeper my love grew for him and vice-versa. Without realizing it, I was no longer the same person anymore and neither was he. Eventually we grew resentful towards each other. I became selfish and possessive. He became resentful and unhappy. Your twenties are your selfish years. They are not meant for you to invest so much time and energy on a relationship. Does that mean you shouldn’t have one? No, not at all. Your twenties, though, are meant for you to find your passions, to learn, to travel, to see everything, to experience everything, to manifest your dreams, and to mold yourself into someone you're content with, so that when you’re 70 years old rocking on a porch swing next to the love of your life, you don’t have any regrets. You want to know you did everything you possibly could and wanted to do in your life. How do you do all of this while having a relationship? Easy. I truly believe that in your early twenties, a relationship’s sole purpose is to help each other grow. Motivate each other. Inspire each other. Support each other in everything the other wants in life. If you are in a relationship, it should be because you love that person’s soul. You love their interests, passions, hobbies, company and vibe so much that you want to be there to support and motivate them to keep working on themselves until they have reached their full potential, and vice versa. When two people are each so happy and content with their own self, that is when they can be truly happy together. You shouldn’t have expectations. That’s a mistake I’ve made in the past and a mistake anyone can be guilty of. If you and that person are meant to be together, you will be together. You don’t need to worry about where the relationship is going, whom the other person is talking to, or what they’re doing when you’re not around. Real love does not hold jealousy, it does not hold envy, and it is not self-seeking. What you need to worry about is accomplishing every experience you can, whether it is something as small as having a beer with a coworker or as big as taking a year trip to India. Keep on doing these things till you’ve put the tin lid on who you truly are, and just sit back and patiently cheer on everything your significant other’s journey entails as well. After it all, if you two are still in love, well then that’s just beautiful. That’s just real. The next time I’m in a relationship, it will be with someone whose soul I love, and I will support them in anything they aspire to do. They want to take a trip? I hope they have fun. They want to go to the bar? Good! They want to go snow boarding, skydiving, surfing? Well I will be right there beside them, because that sounds dope. They want to be out all night till 6 a.m. having fun and making memories without me? That’s OK because I’ll be doing the same — can’t wait for us to share our crazy stories with each other after though. They want to go to school half way across the world? Hell yeah! That sounds like so much fun. I’m jealous! I’ll miss you though. If we have common interests in things we aspire to experience and accomplish then hell yeah we’re going to do them together. Whatever we want to do together we will do together, whatever we want to do separately we will do separately, and support each other the entire time. They are going to "do them" and I’m going to admire it and support it while I’m finding myself and getting everything I want from life too. When I’m 70 years old, rocking in my rocking chair I’m going look at them, still so deep in love, and tell them thank you. Thank you for letting me and helping me get everything from life that I wanted, and they are going to say the same back to me.

[ndrbrnrd]

Teeth

Two rows of teeth Lined up in a particular way Some are straight Some are crooked Each contribute to part of a whole When part of it is missing Or chipped in some way Everything has changed

[ndrbrnrd]

Wake Up

PTD and other symptoms Of indecisiveness is malignant I see I diagnose myself as benign one year ago Pushing it off until I find time to figure out me Within the year I've been on a treat Dazed and excited at this new world With a personality so different from me Spontaneous and instant Slowly I see myself change I've learned to become different Less rigid and conventional Mannerisms and phrases fit into my vocabulary Pushed aside is the me right there waiting Where do I go, what will I do? Time is ticking Choices need making Life needs changing Where will I be? Ships are changing course Some are leaving Seasons and colours will change I need my individual compass And find my direction that is for me

[ndrbrnrd]

Attachment

In ways I've grown attached to you Things you'll never know but see The way I changed my behaviours To conform to a group with thee 8 months of whirlwind experience From trips to talks and things that are new From sights to jaywalks and breaking laws A part of me not true Misunderstandings of the past with significant others And complicated texts and ships to see I became less distant and started following you with glee The ship I always see from afar I hopped on board as a guest You welcomed me invitingly Ships have changed From one ship to another And different paths must be sailed But the feeling you've given me, it has never failed I thank thee for everything But I need to be prepared to retreat into my shell In case anything happens Because of me or destiny I can't expect to always be around you I try so hard not to feel Because things are going to change Getting my suitcase ready, being prepared is ideal If things don't work out Thank you for all you've done Your generosity and kindness I've learned from you Makes me want to become better too Prove me wrong, and then I'll see It's all I'm waiting for, it's all I'm hoping for Then one day I'll become attached so much I can never let go, or end something and leave it be

[ndrbrnrd]

The Viewing

To see a person at a still state So lifeless, dead Not the way you always see It hurts to view at this state Not tangible anymore Can't speak anymore Can't hug or kiss or share a laugh Final words are one-way only Avoid Not go Keep the memory of the person With life Like the way you last saw To see the person at a still state So lifeless, dead Makes everything real That the person Has left you --------- In memory of two of my mom's friends only a month of separation.

[ndrbrnrd]

No matter how it falls apart There's an "art" in breaking hearts But there's no fair in farewell, no And when I see you in the street I pray to God you don't see The silent "hell" in "I wish you well"

No Good in Goodbye