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To Little Nikkita
You are loved, you are brave. Your prayers have been heard. You prayed for strength and God gave you adversity to overcome them.
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Healing begins here.
I once read about the Neakita flowers-- about how white flowers with gold linings had sprouted from the Trail of Tears. There was something so incredibly beautiful and melancholic about this concept. How this story came from our indigenous people. How from our tears, life was able to form. It captivated resilience and strength. Not to mention, Neakita is extremely close to my name (I’ll explain the value of my name in another time.)
I wanted to dedicate my first post to healing. To all the souls who have felt incredibly lost in this journey, we always hear: “You are not alone.” And yet, we continue to feel that way. Somehow, deep inside, we begin to yearn for something to save us... Maybe a friend will see through me. Maybe a stranger can pick up on my vibes. Maybe a dog can sniff the sadness that I feel. And yet, it feels like there is no voice left inside of you. It feels like you want to scream and yet no one can hear you or understand you. It’s when your pain is so incredibly numbing that there are no tears to shed-- mind you, I am or.. I was a crier.
And that’s when I realized and keep telling myself-- no one can save you but you. But there is no saving needing to be done because you are already saved. Your heart beating, your lungs breathing, your mind thinking-- are all parts of you wanting to live. The pain is felt because you are alive. It’s time not to fear the pain but to embrace it so that you may understand that in order to grow, in order to seek happiness, the binary must exist.
Dark cannot exist without light. And light cannot exist without dark. Pain cannot exist without peace. And peace, does not exist without knowing pain. What is “resilience” if one does not know to fall? What would you be having to pick yourself up from if there were no ground to catch you?
I am writing this to begin again. To find life again-- especially because I feel like I have been struggling to live. Struggling to find my voice. Struggling to understand my place, why I’m here.
And then I think of the Neakita...and how I must trust this process as I learn to bloom.
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