nectarandhoney

[nectarandhoney]

Lingering

There’s a phantom in my spine It sleeps at the base of it Sometimes it will send its messengers To my flesh To pain and molest me It is the phantom of the last man I thought I loved A reminder of blind trust Internalized guilt Stupidity, some would say Of youth and fervor A reminder that honesty means nothing in the mouth And that the blood must be put into the crucible A reminder that my trust was broken The lies I swallowed The flesh I exposed.... That man was out of my life by the time I realized the phantom was there It will live with me forever Like the lowly decision I made To lie with that monster The sickness settles just beneath the surface Ready to rear it’s ugly head Willing me to infect another Intimacy has been stifled because of it Casual encounters cannot exist between my sheets To let someone in Means I have to be vulnerable Over and over and over again Reliving the fear of disclosure Rejection and disgust The crass jokes I hear The careless way people speak Remind me of how someone I Thought I loved Broke my trust And how I have to deal The the specter slumbering in my vertebrae Waiting to haunt another body

[nectarandhoney]

Your silence is deafening, yes But everything I use and love is from you Including this screen And these sheets and pillows My satchel My chargers These tears These rings The smile I wear in between our visits This ache in my chest When you’re upset I feel it I’m frustrated with myself And I feel that too And I need you And I miss you But I’m clearly overbearing And I take on so much And stress myself out And you have your stressors I wanna snatch them away And throw them over a bridge Bring you some peace I can’t let this die in my lap But I have I to give you space While I wallow in this Heap of emotions My head is full and my temples are strained

[nectarandhoney]

I’m obsessed with perfection With overflowing in abundance With being more than enough With being okay And simultaneously I’m drowning in my expectations Drinking salt water Struggling with devils snare Because I have to be the best And the best comes when it’s ready And life is a journey And success is a process And love is never complete I will never feel complete Because being complete requires so much That I don’t have Yet Or will I ever? Do I even want it? Everything about me is wrong some days- Everything is slow Everything is inadequate Reminders surround my skull And fill my throat every day Reminders that I’ll always strive for control And lose it with burdensome thoughts And fears of being put out And unappreciated And alone And here I am Frustrated again Scared again Worried I’ve said too much too late Or too much anyway Maybe not enough What can I say? I don’t want you to feel the way I do I don’t want you to speak about yourself the way I speak about myself You have so much you’ve built and kept So much success to lose And I want you to see yourself the way I see you To feel the way I feel about you I just want us to listen to each other We are both striving for something better I just wish I’d give myself some credit Instead of forcing myself Deeper into self loathing and agonizing over every misstep and Mistake And Freudian slip Your silence is deafening It almost feels like punishment But I know I’ve spilled too much this time I know yelled and cried and cursed too loudly I’m frustrated with never feeling like I’ll Measure up to what I want Or what you actually want When you express your dissatisfaction I bring part of that onto my shoulders And weigh myself down Asking you to see me Feel me Or open your ribs so I can tuck myself next to your heart And muffle the sounds of my own

[nectarandhoney]

[nectarandhoney]

Why am I so fragile? Every argument irritates my bowels and stomach I won’t eat I just swallow tears and hope you won’t leave now I can’t even get angry anymore I’m only scared and uneasy I wish I could take it all back I know I’ve upset you I did it out of fear And now I’m getting the silent treatment After your biting words I’m at fault though And my throat hurts and my eyes well but nothing will fall out of them This makes me sick Being away And making you upset But I guess it’s best I’m here and you’re there That way I can’t see your back or your face right now I’ll let you be angry And I’ll just be scared And wrong Yet again

[nectarandhoney]

7.30

I project a whole future onto you You’ve given me reason You’ve shown me so much An argument between us makes me physically sick And now I have an hour more Before you’re gone for two months Maybe longer And I’m praying that we don’t lose focus It aches now The anticipation of you taking flight Blinking back tears while I secretly resent the regular love that others have I’m my own type of masochist If I don’t bleed it didn’t happen If it’s not long distance there’s no real appreciation We take vacations To escape daily lives that we’ll eventually share I’m so scared To let you go back for now But you have to And I have to as well

[nectarandhoney]

I was clinging to the earth, Fully aware that gravity is keeping me in place Suffocating Tears Gasping sobs How do I- Swallow the immensity Of loss That’s suspended in anticipation? I can’t Catch up or slow myself down But I keep walking toward the door- Spying through the door to sense of peace, stuck ajar The light a thin shard that cut my lens The phantom that keeps me quiet In the day And reeling back into my head at night Does not discriminate against what she devours All she needs is a thought- A doubt, a fear, a dangling disappointment She grows bloated from these things- Until she catches my breath, my eyes The things I need to function, Gulping down the sleep, Until I can rend that feeds her And settle in The cyclical nature of feeling alone- Time slipping through my fingers, Opportunities dissolving at the start of my tears- Is pervasive It spreads and seeps into everything Escape is only temporary And all I can do is lie in wait for the phantom

[nectarandhoney]

Anniversaries are birthdays of when we took chances You took a chance to speak to me once And then you did again I’m not quite sure when we fell into this But I know when you said hello for the second time And that’s where we made the same turn in a path How do you count the ways someone makes you think and cry and smile and grow? I can’t So I lump them together into a sum of firsts and lasts and continuations You are brilliantly made You are curious You are aggressive You are as clumsy as you are careful You are mine We are tightly bound And I ground you While you unearth me What a blessing To be nurtured instead of discarded I’d given up so much hope in being happy again, while trying to pick up the pieces of broken feelings and dreams Thank you My love is sticky My feelings are hot and I let them smolder internally You’ll reach into the coals and embers of my phoenix fires Still trying to shed layers and remain tender And still find a beating heart, only for you

[nectarandhoney]

How do you cradle tears and happiness in trembling hands? How do you remain vigilant when you have to rush and then wait to come back home? Do you let the sand flow between the fingers and fall? Do you cling to the grains and hope they stay in your palms? Saying goodbye and watching you go while knowing you’ll be back is still hard. Clinging onto your remainders, willing myself to be patient and not cry, are hard projects that keep the knots in my hands tight. Patience is the virtue I find elusive the more I see you. I want to walk off this bridge and meet you in the deep. But I’ll wait for you and our time and these visits will grow harder to leave. I’ll sigh into your spot on my bed and will you to appear. I’ll steal your hairs and burn them into my lungs. I’ll use the linens you left. I’ll drink from your cups. Ill inhale the lingering scent of your scalp on these pillows and this hat. You melt me into scalding liquid ochre. I yearn for you. But life says I must rush and wait still. For now and for sanity I have to linger between encounters until we can be one in one for life.

[nectarandhoney]

How do we measure our movements? How can we trace our words? Delicately drawing the symbols, following through, making sure they land in the soil as seeds And not flames Or daggers Of venom How do we get to the point where Masego can sing to us While we breathe in soft skin And smooth over dips and scars? I want to tango Without stepping on toes Without injuring you Going to sleep away from you, Fitful Nervous Apologetic Irritated- The thirteenth made me tremble I know I am yours But our feelings are our own We’re supposed to hold them gently Gingerly Steadily But here we are, Still clumsy In this dance; Stumbling, Breaking things and willing them to mend themselves It takes active listening and sincerity To make those replacements We have it We are learning still A year in. I know you’ve been rummaging through my moods Finding the strings we need, getting lost in the clutter and shut doors, I’ve cut my hands on shards While gathering more thread from your floors to untangle- Dancing on glass, inching closer to something sturdy Praying it won’t break in the the mean time The happy medium is somewhere amongst the mess and slivers Let it come steadily We’ve already hurt ourselves enough with these mistakes

[nectarandhoney]

I used to get strawberries when I fell When I played When I enjoyed the outdoors Now I cower from the outside most of the time And I have strawberry legs That came from puberty and growing And accepting myself as older Casting away the strawberries I used to pick as a child I’ve now grown the seeds on my flesh and they linger Forever

[nectarandhoney]

I was clinging to the earth, Fully aware that gravity is keeping me in place Suffocating Tears Gasping sobs How do I- Swallow the immensity Of loss That’s suspended in anticipation? I can’t Catch up or slow myself down But I keep walking toward the door- Spying through the opening to get a sense of peace, stuck ajar The light a thin shard that cut my lens The phantom that keeps me quiet In the day And reeling back into my head at night Does not discriminate against what she devours All she needs is a thought- A doubt, a fear, a dangling disappointment She grows bloated from these things- Until she catches my breath, my eyes The things I need to function, Gulping down the sleep, Until I can rend that feeds her And settle in The cyclical nature of feeling alone- Time slipping through my fingers, Opportunities dissolving at the start of my tears- Is pervasive It spreads and seeps into everything Escape is only temporary And all I can do is lie in wait for the spectre

[nectarandhoney]

I think at one point during our encounter You were musing of things you’ve seen and done In and around the lakes in the city I remember you excitedly telling me Of your adventures Were you coaxing me out of my silence? Or is that how you enjoy your views? I think you wanted me speak more Or laugh a little louder I felt bad But I was under a spell I want to tell you something, my sweet: When you bring me to the water Or forests Or plains My throat will seal shut And my eyes will speak and wander I didn’t want to kill your joy I was just in awe of the things I dont experience Down here in the clay oven I absorbed everything quietly While your singsong voice gave me tales Of your times in peace with nature Amen

[nectarandhoney]

I witnessed my first ceremony Of two women in love And I realized matrimony scares and amazes me But I’m no longer hard pressed To do the same As wonderful as the occasion can be I’ll muse and plan for as long as this little heart desires At this point though, my time is nowhere near here I’m content to hover Between the earth and clouds Whether the time comes at all at this point Is none of my concern anymore I’m sustaining beautifully With us at our now and close future But signing and permanent sharing of affairs on paper can wait My heart fluttered during the procedure I watch elders swell with pride I watched the wives dance with their blended families That was enough for me It was enough to taste the feeling And cheer them through their victories that evening

[nectarandhoney]

I was brought into the world by elder nuns to a scared, teenaged Muslim girl in upstate New York My life has been a testament of my mother’s tenacity We don’t see eye to eye But we do see soul to soul She gave me a rigidly relaxed personality that seeps past the facades placed in front of me I can be nothing but my true self I have a young mother, and I am not a young mother I told her that the thought of me having a six year old at this age is unimaginable I thanked her for that She told me I was her inspiration She is mine in many ways She tried her best, and I don’t approve of all her methods But she gave me almost everything so I can shape a life for myself I stumble since I was sheltered from so much Ignorance is not bliss It is a broken leg that’s slow to heal But when it does, that growth helps Experience opens doors The scales fell from my eyes, one by one And now I stand Shakily But upright Because a scared teenager chose to raise me to be something better

[nectarandhoney]

We took some smokes and twisted ankles Nails perfect Skin shimmering Feelings injured Took off those heels Climbed up the stairs And listened to the din Of the music down below Laughing crying Asking why we’re here The urge to be alone in a crowd Is almost as intoxicating as The poisons bubbling in my stomach Before I hurled them back to the earth To be young and miserable Full of experiences Yet still burgeoning Pass the papers Haze drifts Lungs vibrate Throats choke and tears fall We were there And now we’re here Waiting for the thunder to stop And the sun to shine And temporarily blind us From failures and loss and injured emotions To smile again Only to put the disguises back on And shift from function to function Letting shards of our mystery fall onto other lives While we drift in the night

[nectarandhoney]

Those moments before it rains In the foothills And near the air Stifling every lung from The clay below The wind wanders The trees get restless Each degree sinks into the grass That deep sigh Caresses Catharsis Compounding The release as tumultuous As the emotions scrambling into the Recesses of a mind After death And loss of control