nehakhan30901

[nehakhan30901]

SAISHA!!

They say nothing lasts forever but I see for a fact that parenthood does.

Since the day of conception(or even before that), a parent’s life revolves around the child trying to be a worthy parent.The home should be in a school district, the car should be big enough to hold a car-seat, the job should have stability and a good insurance plan, the social life should not always demand leaving the kid with nanny.All these factors which otherwise, in a single person’s life like mine, determine my individuality, my choices, in short my whole personality.When an individual becomes a parent, her child and not the personal choices makes her whole.

Last week I inadvertently became part of an unparalleled tragedy.A family lost their first child, a beautiful, bright and brilliant six year old, Saisha Shankar. A loss only a parent can empathize with.I am not a mother but I am human enough to understand how a life you created and nourished becomes more dear to you than your own life.I understand how heartbreaking it is to see that life end and that body cremate to ashes.

For 48 hours, the mother watched her infant second child fighting for life while mourning the loss of her first one.And I was sitting there, in that hospital room, watching this feat of humanity both amazed and dismayed.She would cry one moment, feed the infant the next.And while everyone else including the father fell in the trap of weakness and got sick, she was there, the last “man” standing because she couldn’t afford to fall sick.She is the provider, the nurturer for whom, ‘taking a break’ isn’t an option.

Witnessing a funeral full of teary-eyed, terrified parents today made me realize why we become parents in the first place.We become parents to learn to love unconditionally. To become selfless enough to raise another person’s needs before our own and compassionate towards others who are doing the same. It is to make us better human beings and pave our way to salvation.

Saisha, like all of us, came into this world to fulfill a purpose and with her brilliance and beauty, she served it in a far short time-period than most people. She made 2 people on this earth extremely happy and proud leaving them the gift of her baby-sister to live by.

As for us, watching her go made us turn back to HUMANITY, love and relationships, away from SCIENCE or RELIGION neither of which could explain her untimely demise.

[nehakhan30901]

Losing!!!

What is so special about losing?

Surprised that I am talking about what everyone dreads?In a world where “play to win” is the mantra, losing sure does raise many eyebrows.Judgement and advices come along followed by your own sense of bewilderment.Why did I play at all?Why couldn’t I just bask in the glory of my former victory and never let anyone discover that I am not fit for the next level?

Yes, that is one option.And it isn’t a wrong one.If it brings content, why not?One doesn’t always need to hike their way in life.Sometimes a stroll in the park can be as fulfilling.

But when it isn’t, when one feels that she isn’t being challenged enough, the next step needs to be taken towards that mountain where there are waterfalls to be crossed on thin logs of wood, and melting snowfields to be carefully trudged.Where without the gaiters and the poles, the only way forward is to hold hands and take support of the people you trust.

Yes reaching the peak and gazing at that gorgeous view of the glacier is fulfilling.But what makes it even better is that tough hike to it where you stopped ten times contemplating if you can make it through this one.

So going back to my point.Winning is important but losing before makes you a more deserving winner.Why?Because it brings about humility, stoicism, patience and most basic but most important, re-evaluation and improvisation.We wonder why all those strategies and techniques or even natural talents that helped us meet the goals until now are not working.And that question results in two solutions and those solutions divides the world into two kinds.

Those who realize that all that could have been done is done and the next level is unreachable.

Others who realize that all those techniques and talents were fit for the levels below.To reach the next level, new strategy needs to be defined, new techniques need to be invented and new talents need to be developed.They create, they innovate and that is why, they lead.

After all, a problem not solved always needs a solution that doesn’t exists.

[nehakhan30901]

Half-way through life...

They say time goes by fast.But my past 1 year went by in such a slow motion that I couldn’t afford to miss even a single painful moment of it.Every tear, every disappointment, whether my own or of those who found a mirror in my misery.

When I broke down over a crumbling relationship, the strongest person I know shared the story of being beaten down by a betrayal.When I wanted to give up after multiple failed interviews, a very successful friend shared her moments of insecurities and failures when she almost gave up too.When I judged myself for an unconventional lifestyle, a friend with an ideal family life told me the kind of compromises she makes everyday.And when I feared the rejection of the world, the most popular friend shared her story of most humiliating abandonment.

None of them were trying to console me or prove that things will get better one day.With their breaking voices and misty eyes, they could still feel it, afresh, that intense pain.It never goes away.It’s just buried 6 feet under with a stone grave always there to remind it’s existence.

And as I listened silently, I discovered that us racing for the most successful and glamorous lives are all running towards a goal that is futile. Finding a perfect partner, bagging the best job offer, attired in the most expensive dress is all a short-lived gratification.Deep down we still wonder if we actually deserved it or just got lucky.We question our abilities and live under the constant fear of losing it all one day.

I spent half my life doing the same and now I am exhausted.I don’t want to keep running.I want to pause and breathe.I want to walk in the snowfall and watch it turn the ugly into pristine.I want to watch the turbulent ocean demean me with the show of its might.I want to stand atop a mountain and admire the hidden treasures of the universe.And without any expectations or desire, I want to lose myself in that moment, forever.

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Smog!!

It’s that time, when the sky turns white, blocking the view of what lies beyond, those stars shining bright.

How do I find my way, Amidst the haze clouding my judgement and spirit I am exhausted, on the verge of giving up if only, the Sun of hope sends its ray.

[nehakhan30901]

San Diego Trip 2015

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Ms. Megan

Ms Megan is a savvy one. With her wit and intellect, She glides in with poise no one posses. Oh I admire the subtleties, The knowledge, The discretion, The prowess.

When the fools around bloat with conceit, She giggles ducking behind that screen. Oh these ignorant souls, Have no idea what surprises this world beholds. Predictable, the one verb that doesn't fit Life is outrageous, astounding and every other bit. Learn while it last As that's what living is.

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Deserted Downtown...

Sets another sun in the New York sky, closing down those busiest lanes, lingering wind from Hudson  now returns to lay its claim.

I stood on the pier, admiring the lady with the copper dress and so did the moon from far above clearing out the darkness.

I strolled on those deserted streets wondering what sets night from the day, the coffee houses turned upside down, or the shuddering subways. A slurring junkie walked by, filling the marijuana in the air a homeless cozying under the diner’s porch the beleaguered Bull now lonely and scared.

[nehakhan30901]

Chicago trip 2016

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Moments in Manhattan

I started my day today with the goal of mastering the design patterns.After throwing out the trash accumulated with the laziness of the whole week, I donned my trite look with the jeans and sweater and left for the city to carry it out.

One may ask why all my significantly productive plans are carried out in Manhattan and not those viewpoints of Jersey City.Well I am no Barney Stinson but as my manager puts it, “do you want to see the view or do you want to be the view?”, I guess my preference is always the latter.Not being-being.Rather being a part of the view.

Sitting in this Barnes and Noble store, right in the heart of downtown New York, I witness the lives of the busiest city in the world.Sitting next to me are two pretty little girls, I guess 5 and 3 years old, reading some children books, with their father sipping coffee and just looking after them.Why are they here?Why can’t their father hand over an iPad to them at home and watch soccer instead.I am sure some fancy iOS app will provide the same content in an animated or “virtually-realistic” fashion.

Probably because he wants his next generation to experience how he grew up.He wants them to visualize their own world of characters and action in those simple words.He wants them to learn to find a personal space when surrounded by a bunch of people.Or he simply wants them to be in a physically social surrounding where each one is trying to learn something new rather than those virtual social arenas where people are re-iterating their opinions and not open to any other’s.

Bookstores, libraries are my peace point for their absence of pretense and callousness.When each person here opens up a book, they are opening themselves to someone else’s perception, experiences or opinions.Someone they don’t know and have no pre-conceived notions about.Someone they can’t go back and argue with. I may want to equate it to a spiritual  exercise, where you connect to some concealed idea in the back of  your brain using author’s words.You retrospect and relate this idea to the experiences and aspirations of your own life and thus gather all the information to take a decision that eventually translates into an opinion.

Ratiocinating in moments like these, with a backdrop of the gorgeous snowfall, while sipping the Starbucks mocha.New York does inspire deep thoughts.