neighbor-of-hades-blog

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

Maafkan aku dan semua keraguanku atas ketulusan Maafkan aku dan semua ketakutanku akan kasih sayang Maafkan aku dan semua prasangka burukku akan pertolongan Maafkan aku dan semua kebodohanku akan perasaan

Maafkan aku dan semua kepalsuanku akan hidup dan takdir

Aku sungguh menyesal

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

If you like it when I have nightmares, If you like it when I couldn’t fight my monsters, If you like it when I am so dark,

I know what can you do to please yourself.

Break my heart. I’ll be in the deepest hollow. And you can enjoy the darkest me.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

You said that you'll pull me out everytime I am about to sink. No, you enjoy it everytime I am drowning.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

You like the idea of me as a dark creature. I somehow have expected this long before you said it. And it's terrifying. You enjoy myself of being wrecked and tortured. You liked it when I have nightmares and all my monsters in my mind. That's just insane. I never expect you to be this far. And it's terrifying. But here's the most terrifying fact: I still love you anway.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

One of the symptom of my illness is: losing interest in doing activities that once was pleasureable. In my case, I lost interest in everything. I will just lay down, doing nothing and not talking to anyone. This could happen for days till I have my desire back. Then you walk in. It was different with you. When my depression occured again last time, I do lost interest in you. But even though I really don't want to talk to you and I don't want you to talk to me, you always comes to my mind like all the time. ALL THE FUCKING TIME.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I Wish I Could Tell 2

You are not a burden. Never. Instead, you help me in the healing. You help me heal myself. Your sincere affection means a lot. Too much. So fucking much more than you could imagine. With or without you, my anxiety has always leads my mind to think of worst cases. It was never you. So pushing you away is not a solution. It's myself that I need to change. I've got a soul to fix. I really really want you to stay and we help each other. No, I don't want you. But I need you. You can never imagine how dead I was before you. I see myself in you, and I learn myself through you. I also discovered your flaws and so many 'fixing' that you need, but I was too busy fixing myself. I am afraid that we're too busy in helping myself that you are neglected. I am afraid that being with me doesn't give you any benefits. I am afraid that I will just be a burden to you. Being with me will exhaust you more than being with the most extrovert person. I will drain your energy. And I hate that idea. I want you to go and to stay. Equally. I want you to go because I am way too fucking complicated and I don't want you to get along with someone who is sick, like me. But I want you to stay because I need you (yes, I am a selfish creature). I promise I will try my best not to shoo you away like I have done. Whatever it is your desicion, to either leave or stay, I will appreciate. I don't want you to make the decision to grant my selfish wish. I want your heart to decide. And I appreciate your decision to stay. Really. Just please, tell me if you change your mind. Tell me if you have chosen another decision. I love you. So much. I mean it. Really. I never loved anyone in this world wholeheartedly. It's you and only you. I feel grateful that God has sent you to meet me and make me learn a lot. I give you all of me and I know the consequences. Muhammad Hasan, it will be a privilege to have my heart broken by you.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I am full of trouble. I am a mess. I am complicated. I wish it was easy to change. I don't want to be a burden to you. I am trying.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I Wish I Could Tell

I have anxiety disorder that leads to depression, insomnia, digestion problems and weak immune. I have mental illness. I am sick. I even talk to myself as if I were somebody else. Then I would yell and even curse myself. And I often lie to please myself. I don't want to see a psychiatrist. I don't have much money and I am not explaining such thing to my parents. Never. They just won't get it. Besides, I don't trust anyone. I think that it's only me that can fix myself. No one else could. I don't want to rely myself on people I barely know and barely know me. I don't know I'm just not used to ask for help. Well, I didn't get the proper diagnosis but as I realized that something's been wrong with me for too long, I tried to find it out. As I said, I just did small research by myself, studying the symptoms. I have found the trigger: home. I realized it about 6 months ago after I did some research. Then I started doing a self-recovery by myself. I have found the core and I prepared myself. So I thought I could overcome this shit next time. Turns out that it's still a long way to go. It's so fucking hard. But I won't give up.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I suppose to go now. Quietly.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

Sometimes I feel hopeless and think that all these 'medication' I have been doing are bullshits. But I want to be healed. I am tired of being sick.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I always wonder why

- My insight and big ideas are often misunderstood (I am not quite sure how to reach my full potential in a world that doesn't value my insights) - I often have difficulties understanding how other people feel, most of the time I end up hurting them - I dislike planning and have an innate desire for freedom

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I am a mess that nobody deserves. I don't want to ruin anyone's life.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

Solitude

I never knew if anyone could walk into my life and successfully beat my solitude

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I despised myself for the cheesy sentiment, but what else did I have?

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

I Love You

For most people, to hear someone says those three words is reassuring. It's supposed to be comforting and soothing. But anxiety has a way of making anything scary. And anxiety has a way of making love seem impossible. But I have made my decision. I will enjoy the fear. At least I don't feel numb.

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

A solar system behaves very much like an atom… Don’t you think?

[neighbor-of-hades-blog]

Kenapa kau menikmati kepalsuan-kepalsuan?

Semoga bukan kepalsuan-kepalsuan yang kumaksud yang kau nikmati itu.