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Life springs eternal On a gaudy neon street Not that I care at all I spent the best part of my losing streak For what I can't recall -Sheryl Crow

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Unpleasant Surprises and Stupid Mistakes

Well, my closest friend in this city is not moving on July 28th, yay! He's leaving this coming Saturday instead. I just wanted to write this to basically remember all the good times (some bad ones too!) I wish I could learn the lottery or something so he can stay but that is unattainable for two reason: there are no lotteries in Nevada,only gambling, and I don't gamble anyway.

The surprise is that Dain is leaving in 6 days instead of July 28. In all my life, I have liked several straight people, I should say "straight" because I wonder. I know he will be like an hour away on his bike but I won't see him everyday. It's funny because Tori just "and he isn't you" and Dain is always saying that I wil find someone like him.Not true.

The stupid mistake is that I am using Henry's card to treat myself to money. Oh well, that's life

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No Place like Home(Goodbye my Friend)

Wow, is it just me or do we all get to that point in our lives where we feel both gratitude and sadness for times that have may or may not have passed. On June 25,2011 I was relaxing and reflecting in Alliance, Ohio while on vacation with my family, who, by the way, I miss incredibly. I have a million things running through my mind, correction, I wish I had only a million things on my mind. First, I am realizing how quickly the nine months I have been here are going by; some days I need to stop and think "what is today?" or "where'd the time go?" Today though, I am mainly writing about one thing that has been at the front of my mind daily. I cannot say how much things have changed between Dain and I. A year ago I coulldn't be happier that I was away from that "miserable,fat,drunk asshole" as I liked to say. Then sometime in September of last year after flipping out on him upon my return to the city of Sin, he lost his job and it was then that I realized that Dain was a human just like me with real emotion and many emotional problems. We have been through a  whole cycle of a friendship in that year's time. Somtimes, I still feel that I wish I could be with him but most of the time I have nothing but respect and gratitude for God to allow Dain and I to form a friendship from a bitter and troubled past.

 So, I am thinking today that in just 33 days it will be time for Dain to move back home to Wichita, KS and it sucks with every thought. It will be so differennt without my cigarette buddy, my drinking buddy, my smoking-the-fake-weed buddy, my only set of ears that I trust, and, most importantly someone I love and respect as if he were an older brother. My heart truly aches when I think about him leaving. He says "Neil, I just hope and pray you find someone like me". I may find someone I could trust but there will only one Dain Lynam that I know of. But as I told him yesterday, we should not sit around bummed for the next month but instead enjoy this fleeting amount of time we have left. I used to either jokingly or angrily tell him that I guess friendships have a shelf life when he'd say that we've run out of things to talk about. Maybe there is no shelf life but there are memories that I will take to the end of my life. I hope that he finds a good job back home, stays out of trouble, and keeps in touch. It gets me thinking about people who have had a long life and have had friends that have moved,moved on, or passed away and what a long list of friends we have and I thank God for all of them. On that note, it is time to wrap it up but before I do a final Thank You to both God and Dain for this time that we had a second chance to try out this "being buddies" thing. Now just please give me the strength to be a strong as possible when I am in his company. Try not to cry and get bummed when I am smoking a cigarette outside and already feeling like a chunk of me is headed to Kansas with him. We have to enjoy this time and save the sadness for July 28 or somewhere close to there. Thank you buddy

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My Livid Life: To Hell with Vegas

I'd like to start by reminding my readers that I am protected by our wonderful amendment about free speech, so if you don't like what I have to say well, too bad. Seven and a half months ago I decided to give Vegas a second chance, and, for the most part, it has been going okay. But when push comes to shove and things get bad, they don't get mildly bad, they get horrifically bad. First, I am in constant disgust at the state of my teeth, all from alcohol and heroin and Special K that I stopped using six years ago. No job for me looking like a meth addict.

 I am also disgusted with the senior citizen who resides here, actually both of them, Henry and the renter Lawrence, ages 72 and 61, respectively.(actually non-respectively). Henry just wants young teen-aged boys so he can perform oral and anal sex on them and he is disgustingly ugly and perpetually miserable for no good reason. He doesn't believe in God and says "we are already in Hell". No old man, you are just a miser,a bastard,a cocksucker. (Henry's family that might read this:take that to the bank). The other guy gives all Jewish people a bad name as he has to be asked to pay his rent over and over. Last night I was innocently reading, keeping to myself when I overheard with my excellent hearing Henry and this Lawrence talking a whole lot of shit I don't want to hear. That I take 3 showers a month, overdo it on my Klonopin, and Henry telling the man that he(Henry) was not gay b/c he talks masculine. Ah hahahahahahaha, fucking false. Then the other man says "Neil's feet are black". True, old mother fucker, they are b/c I do not wear shoes or socks when it is warm. Nothing would please me more if they were diagnosed with terminal cancer or had massive heart attacks. And as for you God, a big thanks for NOT helping matters. You do indeed give people more than they can handle. On that note, I am done.

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Sleeping with the Enemy

I'd like to start this off by saying that what am I about to write is protected under the First Amendment, so if someone reads this (i.e. Henry's family), the only way it is slander is if he was at a job or in the public eye. It's defamation if I write things that are not true. Neither applies. 

So, yes, last night I was tempted to take 57 Klonopin and 29 Atenolol(my heart med which certainly would have done the trick b/c when I took a whole one as instructed, my BP was 98/50, no joke. But as many of you know, I have lived below or with Henry for 11 years. Last night, after I told him that he should try praying, he became completely unhinged. Unhinged in the sense of completely ballistic. Then I was talking to Mom and he really blew a lid. Here factual and actual things that were said to me,in no particular order: GO jump off the Boulder Dam ya' cocksucker, You felt Dain's penis when he was sleeping, then proceeded to call my Mom a fucking lying whore, and Fuck Jesus and God, if those mother fuckers walked in the door, I would tell them fuckers to get out, everyone hates me, especially on Facebook,you are a druggy" and the rest I must have sub-consciously blocked out. He then called his brother-in-law to save him (he did not). Before this I punched him in the leg. I am not like Dain, I can't control my anger when I do have one.

But my real question is this: Lord Jesus, if you see one of your children in pain,ready to take their lives, why don't you intervene? He is beyond cruel and if one person says "God is testing you to prepare you for something worse? For fifteen years I have prayed for that man and wished him a horrific death more than I prayed. I have to sleep on an air mattress in his room. I tape recorded him and if you all heard his out of control temper, ridiculous. With that being said, Jesus,God,Mother Mary, I am leaving this day in your hands

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Hetero-itis

Before I start this dreadful thing let me just say Happy 11th Birthday to Ryan,wow he's growing up quick.

And now let me say that the idiot is awake, go to bed Satan.Maybe I should go play PlayStation 3 instead? No, I'm going to blog instead. I just was reflecting on all the straight (or supposedly straight) people who I have liked. To not bore anyone I will say there was Patrick,Jeromy,Bill,Dino,Jeremy,Jon,Eddie,David,Greg and Patrick # 2, who turned out to be the closest I almost ever got to a "straight" person and also the most heartbreaking of them all.He was kind of a slow learner but he had a heart of gold and we shared a painful past  of being molested. He would let me kiss him(quickly though) and come over on hi two hour breaks and let me hold him and rub his hair while he slept. All the while, he was engaged and had a little baby daughter. After kissing quickly goodbye after he woke up everyday at 4am to ride 45 miles to a Methadone clinic with me. Like a defiant baby, when I didn't get my way, I would threaten him that I'd tell his fiancee everything. I never did. Until six months later when I did text his girlfriend and tell her everything. One of the nastiest things I have ever done and ultimately, I tried to kill myself over my stupidity. So, now it is 2012 and an unusual thing happened last year. I moved to Las Vegas with my old landlord Henry and he rented another room out to this giant asshole Michael. We did not agree with one another at all. W constantly fought over trivial matters and he told me I had less chromosomes because I was gay. Nonetheless, I actually said the words" I hate him". Then, because he was such a huge bastard I moved back to Ohio. Unfortunately, that did not work out as I lost money spending it on my ungrateful and very lazy nephews. So, without much thought, I was on a plane back to Vegas last September. And Michael and I picked up where we left off: within the first of week of being in Nevada we had two arguments, one in which I threw a vase towards him which broke. Sometime within the next couple of weeks, he lost his job and, oddly, for the 1st time , I felt sorry for him. Over the course of the next few weeks, we actually became friends, very unseen turn of events. And when Henry about ripped Michael's head off(no really, literally), I felt so terrible for Michael. Well, here we are, for the first time in my 33 years, I ,yes, have somehow developed feelings for him. He is being really cool about it, although, he too, has a girlfriend.I wish I knew why I get all crazy for straight people; I think it's this fascination and hope that they will someday not be straight,not be gay, just NeilClutterosexual, which,in and of itself, is impossible. NO wait, nothing is impossible. I will say that I have the utmost respect for Michael and hugging him and/or rubbing his head while he slept would be my rather unusual idea of getting to third base. A home run would be a kiss, no tongue. Okay, I had to vent this because I feel like I am setting myself up for FAILURE, which is fine as long as Michael and I can still be friends. I am beyond grateful to wake up everyday and call a person, who I once had a hatred for, my friend. And thank you God for all of these people listed above who,with the exception of one, have been very accepting of my feelings; now that to me is what a true man is all about.  

 *Only one name has been changed to protect innocence and integrity. The rest all would be fine and even the one name I did change would likely be fine with me talking about it, but that name has been changed regardless

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355 Days and Counting

I usually write a year-end blog but starting last year, I change course and wrote about what I would like to accomplish and I happen to have that list right here beside me and I am about to take a peek at it to see what I did (or didn't) accomplish. And, according to the Mayans, we have 355 days left so let's live it up. But first, let's see what I accomplished in 2011. Well, not a lot actually. One goal was to get the two and a half year bladder/prostate/urinary problem fixed. That, as a matter of fact, I just went to the hospital and am on Cipro, maybe once and for all that'll do it, even though it only offered temporary relief in the past. My biggest goal, to get my teeth fixed was a complete and utter mission FAIL. I actually lost more, therefore making me even uglier, lowering my self esteem to a 1 on a scale of 1-10. And only one because I think I am a decent person. I also hoped to be happy in a living arrangement. To be continued as I am living in Las Vegas since September and things have been mostly good with the exception of Henry being horribly mean after I dialed 911 and hung up when he pulled Dain's hair. And Henry's sister who thinks she owns this house and also thinks that I am not able to listen to two conversations at once as was the case last night when she warned Henry that if we went out she would never bail me out of jail. I called her out on it and she wasn't too happy but I was the one who was extremely unhappy. She is a materialistic control freak who tries to tell me what I can and cannot write on the Internet in my blogs, very ridiculous. Speaking of Dain, I left here in June because I absolutely abhorred him. Fortunately, when I came back, after a fight where I threw a vase at him (and missed), I am proud to say that we are friends. Actually, I kinda have feelings for him but he has a girlfriend he never sees who has four kids to four men and has her relationship status as single? One goal I completely accomplished was going to school and getting a 3.5GPA in the Spring, a 3.5 in the summer and a 4.0 in the fall.

So, onto this year. I still wan to get my teeth fixed first and foremost, actually I need dentures, they are in dire straits. I am also supposed to start school on January here in Nevada and I want to get either a good job or an intern job. As always, I would like to find someone to call my own and currently that person is someone who is taken and, for the most part, straight. But I have a strong feeling that he has not told me all there is to tell about his past, and I mean his sexual experiences. I also feel his girlfriend is cheating on him and my guts usually right on target. With that, I am closing this list now and hope to come out the other side of 2012 untouched and alive, as I always say.

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2011: The Beginning

I always write a year end blog so I figured why not a year-begin one (if that’s what you’d call it)? If I happen to survive this year, then I can write all about it in eleven more months, be it for better or worse. I hope to come out untouched and alive, to quote one of my favorite authors, Dean Koontz and his brave character Chyna Shepherd. I don’t suspect that I will come out of the other side of this year untouched in the sense that life tends to throw us all quite a few curveballs. I do however, hope to come out the other end of 2011 alive. And speaking of life, I can only wish that the death toll of people I know will be as absolutely low as possible, unlike 2010 and the eleven deaths that occurred, three of them people I knew well. So let’s talk about my goals for the year.(More for me than for you,sorry, I just know that I am no celebrity and most people could care less what my goals are).

I would like to get this urinary situation nipped in the bud once and for all. Sounds crazy but in March it will be two years of four catheters, two surgeries, and one firing as a result of my stupid penis, to put it bluntly. The doctor just the other evening ,New Year’s Eve-ning to be exact, was claiming that I must have Chlamydia or some sexually transmitted disease. If that were true then someone must have snuck in my room and had their way with me which is 100% unlikely. So STDs aside, I also hope to get this other physical problem taken care of and I won’t go into detail but to say it’s not hemorrhoids but is a literal pain in the ass. (No not Irritable Bowel Syndrome either, I sometimes wish it were, let’s leave it  be, I like being honest but not too too much.) Another goal which will only serve me would be to get accepted for SSI disability so I am no longer perpetually poor. I am not proud to have to live off of the government but for now, I may need to. Which is a good segway for my other goal: to do well in school so I can graduate and sometime in the near future (Spring 2012), I can at least have an AA degree, that’s Associates of Arts for those who may think I am going to school to conquer alcoholism, that I have already done. My biggest and most important goal is to get my teeth fixed. If that happens, I will never tell people that my self esteem is a 4 as I did when I had good teeth. NO, I will say at least a 7, not because I am attractive but because I try to be an honest and decent human being. By the way, I have never thought I was attractive so that’s gonna be a challenging hill to climb. Although, one of my best friends said that her friend and Mom said I had a chiseled face like a model, God Bless them(and my Grandfather who was a Cherokee Indian which gave me my chiseled face.) And my sister who is absolutely beautiful tells me how much we look alike, that’s beyond flattering but I only see it in the eyes. Hmmm, what else can I bore people with? Two final goals: come March I will be done with the Suboxone clinic and therefore done with drugs. Can I do it? To be honest, not right now I don’t think. I think there is about a 20% chance of me NOT having to take Suboxone or even nerve pills, but let’s hope that goes up come March. And finally, I want once and for all to say at the close of 2011 that this “was a pretty darned good year”. Since I was young I have not said that about any years and there have been many, so many that I didn’t see them at the time. And to all of you, I hope you all have an equally good year. See you in December, God willing…

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On Second Thought/The Turnaround

*(DISCLAIMER: NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT, WELL, TO PROTECT ME REALLY).  

It is very few and far between in someone's life that you meet a person and  you cannot stand this person at all, only to discover later that this person wasn't so bad after all. Even more impressive is when you can call that person friend, when just not too long ago in the distant past, you wished they were dead. Well, that is exactly what has happened to me on this Christmas night, well before that but lets start at the beginning.

  Just over seven months ago I moved to Las Vegas (Henderson actually), Nevada with an old friend from Ohio.Before I came out, I was warned by my mother and brother that Henry's  renter Dain, was a real oddball as well as a drunk who did not work. I am open minded so I came anyway and Dain and I seem to get along great. For about one week. Then it very rapidly went downhill from there. Jason started picking at me for really mundane and stupid things. I did steal pills from my friend who I came out here to live with and Jason was right to put a lock on his door and make rude comments about my thievery because I shouldn't have been so brazen. After my friend found out I stole nerve pills, things got progressively worse, especially between me and Jason as well as with my friend's sister, MaryEtta. Jason would just constantly pick on me about things like stealing a grease jar in the kitchen and pitching it, using all the dish soap, and we just did not get along at all. I ultimately decided to return to Ohio and the main reason I did was Jason. When my friend told Jason why I was leaving, Dainn and I had a bit of an argument in which he said that I was "fucked up", "had less chromosomes b/c I was gay" and that I needed some "tissues for my issues". In the meantime, I was keeping a journal (not online, surprise!!) where, on a daily basis, I thought of new ways in which Jason would die. For example, he gagged when he brushed his teeth (specifically his tongue) so I was hoping he would gag, then puke, then choke on his own vomit and expire like Jim Morrison of the Doors before him. On another occasion, I was mopping the floor and  praying, yes praying to God, that Jason would come out of his bedroom and accidentally slip and break his neck on the wet floor. At that point, I wrote that "I would proceed to spit on his paralyzed face". Very evil.

  So I returned to Ohio after I had enough of Jason picking on me, as I put it. 

  Fast Forward to September when I decided to return to Nevada kind of hesitantly on account of Jason and Mildred. Just as I suspected, trouble broke out the first week I came back. Apparently, I poured Jason's sage all over the counter one night and, the next day, when I woke up, he confronted me about it. One thing I hate is rude awakenings and I let him know this before tossing a vase across the kitchen table, sending it crashing to the ground. Although I have zero recollection of this, I tend to believe it is true because of the fact that Dain tells me that I said "I hate being woken up like this ..ROAR", which is something I would say, maybe not the ROAR part. A couple of weeks later, Jason was working and he lost his job. And, since I am not the cruelest person in the world contrary to wishing death on people constantly, I actually felt 10% sad for him losing his job. The same person who, four moths prior, I likely would have said that "the fat, lazy, alcoholic could not keep a job anyway." 

  Sometime over the course of the next couple of weeks when he was down about losing his job, I slowly started talking to him and even empathized with him over it during one conversation. Finally, I bought this fake marijuana from the cigarette store and we smoked it. Then he bought some and we also smoked that. Very slowly, we started to become a little more friendly with each other. One final fast forward to this month, December, and my friend who I moved here with pulled Jason's hair rather violently one night and I very egregiously and stupidly called 911 and I hung up. By now I completely had 100% respect for Dain and felt horrible when my friend thought that Jason called 911 which wasn't true. 

 One final fast forward to the present. After all the hating and death wishing, I can say that Dain and I are pretty good friends and I am so thankful for that...with one small problem ,maybe two. I thought I just respected him as a friend but whoops, I would just have to take it a step further and, as of about last night, I started growing feelings for him, yes those kinds. So now, on this great Christmas night, his girlfriend, yes girlfriend, is here, and I find myself kind of jealous and even a little bit sad. This sucks. On one hand, I wish it were six months ago and I would hate him so bad that even friendly liking him would make me sick to think about. But that is how it goes with me, always want what I can't have. I hope I do learn someday. For now, its straight person number nineteen that I went and decided to get some freakin' stupid feelings for. Go. Me.....not. Better than the death wish and hostility but still, C'mon Neil., this straight thing is getting old I do appreciate our friendship no matter what 'cuz anger is not good for anyone, especially when that anger is accompanied by wishing the person dead.(And, for the record, I DO NOT wish his girlfriend dead).

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2011: The Year in Review

Well, here it goes folks, it is time to tell you all about my wonderful year (and what a year it has been!!). January started with me spilling cofffee on my best friend's computer , which caused a major fallout but was remedied later. I also had the pleasure of driving down the road in the snow in Ohio and, woopsy, I spun around three times and ended up in a ditch. Luckily, my friend Harry towed me out. February found me, well, I cannot remember much about February to be honest, I know I was in college at EGCC but that's all that comes to mind. And then came March. Come to think of it, I really don't remember much about March either? April, however, my memory is getting sharper. My best friend and I had the fight to end all fights (or at least to get me moving out) and so I left Toronto,Ohio and headed west to Las Vegas. By the second week of my stay at my ex-landlord Henry's, I learned that (a)he had at least a hundred Xanax in a fire safe, (b) how to use to straight pins to get into said fire safe (or not so safe) and (c) ingest large amounts of Xanax until I got caught. I also decided to go back on Methadone (stupid) and was literally crying for home about every day. So, in June, I got this idea to move back to Toronto with a virtual stranger in the dumpiest, smallest trailer you could ever see. And speaking of seeing, there were no doors in the trailer so you could easily see under the blanket that doubled as a door while someone was taking a dump...very nice. I was there ten days before she decided she didn't like me because "I cleaned too much", among other things. So finally, I happily moved in with my two nephews Ben and Thomas in July and Thomas's girlfriend, Sarah, who was very nice and restored my faith in females, just not enough to go straight! But I wrecked in Ben's car in August and Sarah's evil mom came to visit and they were all pigs who didn't clean,cook, and did laundry 3 times in three months. I spent well over 1700.00$ on their fat, selfish asses but at least I learned not to be such an idiot. So come September I split in a taxi then a plane right back to Vegas where I am now. It's been okay here, I just finished my junior year of college with straight A's and am trying to go to college here in January. Henry is the same crab he always has been but sometimes he's been nice and he gives me shelter but I pay for this shelter. My goals for 2012 are to finish school and get a job, car, and teeth. That's about it. And as I said in the beginning of 2011, to make it through 2012 untouched and alive. But their are still sixteen days left of 2011, so I better just hang on there a minute*. Thank you God for letting  me live to see another year and I wish all of you a happy 2012.Peace

*On December 16th , Henry got arrested for pulling Dain's hair and shoving Lawrence. So maybe I better write on the 31st, because he's likely kicking me out to be homeless for Christmas..That's great, all over hanging up on 911

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The Thankful List

Since it is Thanksgiving, I guess it should be appropriate to write about what I am thankful for. First off, my friends and family back in Ohio, I miss them. I am thankful that I have two weeks left of school and straight A's in my junior year of college. Although he can be a real cranky crab, I am thankful that Henry at least helps lend me money. I am thankful that I (almost) made it through another year untouched and alive as I said before. I am thankful to live in a nice house and a nice area with nice weather. I am thankful for God. That about does it

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Why Can't It Be YES-vember?

Every year since 1996 I have noticed a strange and very bad problem that occurs when November begins, namely November 2. This year was sadly no different. Here's the rundown:

NOV.2,1996:Nathan and his friends get mean with me,I throw electric guitar at them, hitting 3 birds(well people) with one stone (well heavy instrument). They retaliate by pummeling me to the ground and jumping on my stomach. The same night I scared a girl who was my friend by jumping out of the dark and pushing her on a bed.Bad idea since she had a bad experience with a guy who was serious while doing that. So I went to the ER and got codeine for my bruised belly and thus the drug addiction started. Then the next day I get confronted by the girl's boyfriend in the school parking lot.

NOV.2,1997:I was working at my favorite job ever at the Olive Garden when Nathan walked out b/c he dropped a tray full of steaks and the manager wouldn't give him a lunch break.Hence, we were on the same schedule and I had no ride 44 miles to work and had to quit.

NOV.2,1998:got really drunk the night before and lost my job at Eckerd by not showing up

NOV 2,1999:after being accused of stealing money from my best friend's stepmother (I DID NOT), I decided to go ahead and steal a bottle of Vicodin from said step-mom.Needless to say I was really not welcome at their house anymore.

NOV. 2,2000:went to a rave, actually was a good one as was 2001,2002,2003,2004

NOV.2, 2005:went to Pittsburgh on an overload of Xanax and wnet to a gay bathhouse where I refused to get nude as they requested and demanded my $14 back, didn't get it. Left 20 minutes later and right through a red light, 195$ citation ,luckily no DUI

NOV.2,2006,2007,2008:as far as I know they weren't bad????

NOV.2,2009:was driving home from Pittsburgh and didn't stop completely before turning and had to humiliatingly walk the line (well the cracks in the pavement of the Sheets parking lot, spell the alphabet forward and backwards, failed breathalyzer then passed the second time). NO DUI but a $200 ticket and the cop made me sit at Sheets for one hour to "sober up" more,ugh.

NOV.3,2010:my friend who I lived with went through my texts while I was sleeping and one was kinda mean about her and a huge fight broke out, one that ultimately would have me moving to Las Vegas.

NOV. 3,2011:after an unprecedented 62 days of Henry not being nasty, he blew up because he didn't believe the pharmacy shorted me ten Xanax (THEY REALLY DID).

  So, I guess some November 2nd curses were my fault but please, just NO more NO-vember!

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Las Vegas/ Round 2

I arrived in Las Vegas on Saturday, September 3rd, and since then I have had many good time but a few upsetting times as well. I am happy that I  am  maintaining straight A's in college and I am enjoying September evenings in the hot tub with an outside temperature of about 82 degrees and with 2% humidity, that is very comfortable. The bad times manly consist of Henry whe he loses his tempre, which he has only three times to his creedit. WE got to work o n that, I don't wanthim hacing a heart attack, his anger only hurts himsefl. My other not-so-great times involve my nephew wanting money for his car and the fact that my other nephew has been cruel to me on th computer, disregarding everything I have done for them totaling over $1,700.00. So I believe that I should not have to give ben money for his car. With all the mney I spent, the thre of them could go together and give ben $537.00 ad ben can reimburse me for the cigarettes I bought him for a month as he said he will, $400.00 to be exact. 

     On another note, I am realizing that no one says "hello" when I am walking down the street, that just boggles my mind. Of course I say hello first, but  to no avail. Poeple are just disconnected and detached. On a brighter note, I am trying to get to know Mary Etta's renter, Stephen, and we are headed over there now. I am mainly looking for this town of impossible prospects of making friends. He seems to like the same things I do,. I don't mean a romantic way either, just hoping to get some friends and he seems to be a very nice guy. On that note, gotta take a shower and get out of here.. Peace out to all...!

            5 better fro

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Fall of the House of Clutter

This blog is more about the season of fall than actual fall from grace although that could be an unfortunate side effect. I have not wrote a blog in God knows how long so I figured it would be time to catch up. First of all, I did go to Las Vegas on April 30th as planned but immediately regretted it when Henry's renter was nasty to me. One thing he said was that I am just "sensitive because I have extra chromosomes being that I am gay".Now, only an alcohol soaked brain would come up with something as preposterous as that. Nonetheless, on June 21st, I came home just in time to go on vacation with my family to the annual trip to Alliance, Ohio. In the meantime I was preparing to live with a new person. Carrie, who was quiet and just seemed to be carefree. Boy was I wrong. This crazy individual proceeded to find fault with everything I did such as: cleaning too much, calling the cat kitty...just weird stuff. So I left her white trash ass on July Th losing hopes in females. (Normally gay men get along wonderfully with females, not so with Carrie). So when I finally went to a more positive place with my nephews Tom and Ben, I was a little scared that I would be staying with Tom's girlfriend who was not only female but also pregnant..double whammy. But it turns out that Sarah restored my faith in females as she was very nice to me. Since I have been here I won 500 dollars, then 100 dollars, it's either lucky here or I am lucky. But this fall, well before then, I will be going back to Las Vegas and to be honest, I wouldn't care if life ended before then. Henry's roommate and family are horrible to me and I am really far from mine so I feel like I am being sentenced to a crime by going back. I only hope that God has a reason/motive for me going back. Well,more importantly, I hope He has a good lesson for me to learn by going back to that hell hole. We'll see. On another positive note, I am doing well in school online ni my Sophomore year. Two A's and one B. and maybe an F since the teacher decided to come to class two weeks late.

[neilclutter]

Queer and Loathing in Las Vegas

It's been awhile since I blogged and I thought I would share a few of my experiences while living in Sin City since April 30th of this year. Where to begin? Well, back the first week of living here I encountered trouble in the form of Henry's renter who seemingly found fault with just about everything I did. The most facetious thing he did was this: So my toothbrush is sitting on a sink far from  the edge and I go in and it's gone? I know the reason he did this was because he wanted to see if I brushed my teeth and how long it would take for me to notice since my teeth are not great. I looked and he says he must have "bumped" it behind the toilet which is virtually impossible since the sink is solid granite and bumping it would not cause it to fly 2 feet in the air and behind the toilet. This is a 38 year old man, I have to forgive him because he as an alcohol problem, which he says he has stopped but that's neither my business or concern to worry apart. Besides, we have made good enough amends and I just try to steer clear of him. Then Henry had accused me of having his room key, which he found later. I then started going to a Methadone clinic again (bad idea as I was up to 55Mg's). Then I went to a new doctor for Suboxone who gave my Oxycontin for one week (15Mg's.) to "transition" me to Suboxone. Nonetheless, I got sick for one day and it was not fun. I now am down to 4Mg's even though he prescribed 16Mg's a day so I am proud of myself. As for Henry's family, they seem to be a little (understatement) critical of me , making comments to Henry that I look old and/or appear to be high when I am not, but I feel I look old and that does wonders for the self esteem to have someone point out your flaws when you are sensitive. I feel they seem to think I am mentally disabled, never mind that I have a 3.50GPA, high  honors and received a letter from the VP of my school congratulating me. As for the rest of the time, we went to Palm Springs ,California to a Villa that is 1200.00$ a week at the Marriott, then off to Long Beach, California to some gay bars and an 80.00$ a night dump room, it was a case of riches to rags!! But , for the most part I have enjoyed myself and will be returning on June 22nd, hopefully to go to my 4th vacation, the annual trip to Alliance with the family. That will be a nice capper for the Summer after having some ups and downs here, it will feel safe to back with my family who knows me and loves me and doesn't criticize me. Then school  starts online July 5th. So that's my last month and a half in a nutshell

[neilclutter]

Lord please take me

When I say that I am very serious about it. For 20 hours Henry has accused me of things that only one I did do and that was wrong. I feel lie I am trapped in a nightmare and I will wake up in my bed at Kelly's and we will be talking and watching tv and I'll be there to hug Izzy. I just got back from walking to get away from him treating me horribly although I apologized and was in the wrong. I went and prayed with a woman at the bookstore and as soon as I came in, he accused me of stealing his stamps, maybe to sell them, They said US stamp so I assumed I could send a letter with them but no, they were four cents. I feel like once I start crying I will not stop and never before in my life have I wanted so badly for God to take me in my sleep.I just want to be home  at Kelly's talking and laughing and getting ready fr school. I slept one hour and tonight I Will sleep none so maybe I could die another way. I have never felt so much like dying this much in my whole life. IT has been 16 days and I have no one here to talk to and I just want to go home to Heaven with Gramma. Lrd, f=if you are real, please make  this stop.