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A rainbow for the birthday girl.

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My darling 4-year-old. Happy anniversary of your birth, dearest daughter. I love and miss you with my whole heart.

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Waiting is the ultimate surrender.

And this pain is excruciating. There are no words to adequately express the grief of missing my child. I don't understand how folks who love her believe that forcing our separation is in her best interest. I pray that they will choose to put her needs first. No child should be denied the love and care of their mother. Sylvie asks not to leave our visits week after week. Recently at the end of our time together, she covered up my heart surgery scar with my scarf and said, "Maybe if we cover your boo boo, the doctor will know you're all better and I can go home with you." Her longing for our reunion is clear.

I know it's no small miracle that I survived this past year. I'm still amazed and grateful for the life-saving heart surgery I was given. As a result, I get to live to advocate for my daughter and myself. And eventhough our deep need for reunification has been denied us for so long, I know this won't last forever. God is loving. He doesn't wield a punishing brand of power like humans do. Everyday I'm choosing to trust his mercy and his timing for reunification with my daughter. I don't understand why it's taking so long, but I realize it may have something to do with God healing my physical and emotional heart. So much of this past year has been unspeakably traumatizing. I'm grateful for the many ways God is healing my wounds. My heart has been more than sustained, it's been transformed.

I cling to God's promises to make all things new. Graham Cooke's sermons are helping ease the ache. Even when there are no outward signs of progress and the days are long, I know that I know that the Holy Spirit is moving. Hearts and lives are being changed even now. And I pray God richly blesses those who hurt us. I know their actions are an extension of their own pain. I want transforming love and radical peace for all of us. Every. Single. One.

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"Surrender your own poverty and acknowledge your nothingness to the Lord. Whether you understand it or not, God loves you, is present in you, lives in you, dwells in you, calls you, saves you and offers you an understanding and compassion which are like nothing you have ever found in a book or heard in a sermon."

- Thomas Merton

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Out of the clear blue: A rainbow after many days of rain.

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“Dreams are shores where the ocean of spirit meets the land of matter. Dreams are beaches where the yet-to-be, the once-were, the will-never-be may walk awhile with the still are.” - David Mitchell

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“Kindred Spirits” by Brian Andreas, the Story of the Day for August 1, 2018. For more of this story, click here.

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The sign from a 1950s fashion department hanging in my friend’s photography studio cracks me up… As does the robot belly mini fridge and saxophone lamp. I think it's channeling Bill Clinton on Arsenio Hall.

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Deuteronomy 30:1-16

1 Here’s what will happen. While you’re out among the nations where God has dispersed you and the blessings and curses come in just the way I have set them before you, and you and your children take them seriously 

2 and come back to God and obey him with your whole heart and soul according to everything that I command you today,

3 God will restore everything you lost; he’ll have compassion on you; he’ll come back and pick up the pieces from all the places where you were scattered. 

4 No matter how far away you end up, God will get you out of there 

5 and bring you back to the land your ancestors once possessed. It will be yours again. He will give you a good life and make you more numerous than your ancestors. 

6 God will cut away the thick calluses on your heart and your children’s hearts, freeing you to love God with your whole heart and soul and live, really live.

7 God will put curses on those who hated you and were out to get you. 

8 And you will make a new start, listening obediently to God, keeping all his commandments that I’m commanding you today. 

9 God will outdo himself in making things go well for you: you’ll have babies, get calves, grow crops, and enjoy an all-around good life. Yes, God will start enjoying you again, making things go well for you just as he enjoyed doing it for your ancestors. 

10 But only if you listen obediently to God and keep the commandments and regulations written in this Book of Revelation. Nothing halfhearted here; you must return to God totally, heart and soul, holding nothing back.

11 This commandment that I’m commanding you today isn’t too much for you, it’s not out of your reach. 

12 It’s not on a high mountain - you don’t have to get mountaineers to climb the peak and bring it down to your level and explain it before you can live it. 

13 And it’s not across the ocean - you don’t have to send sailors out to get it, bring it back, and then explain it before you can live it.

14 No. The word is right here and now - as near as the tongue in your mouth, as near as the heart in your chest. Just do it!

15 Look at what I’ve done for you today: I’ve placed in front of you Life and Good Death and Evil. 

16 And I command you today: Love God, your God. Walk in his ways. Keep his commandments, regulations, and rules so that you will live, really live, live exuberantly, blessed by God, your God, in the land you are about to enter and possess. 

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I have huge respect for this Chapel Hill band, Mandolin Orange. Along with Josh Ritter, they crafted a gorgeous evening for the Boulder, Colorado based radio program “eTown.” I especially appreciated Andrew Martin’s lyrics in the song “Wildfire”:

“Civil War came, Civil War went Brother fought the brother, the South was spent But its true demise was hatred passed down through the years It should have been different It could have been easy But pride has a way of holding too firm to history And it burns like wildfire.”

During their interview, Martin reflected on his heavy-heartedness over being a “son of the south.” The music reflects their exasperation over our all-too-often racially and morally corrupt region of the nation. It’s a lasting heaviness many of us know well. We are still a land ravaged by hatred that burns like wildfire.

Josh Ritter also communicated his fears for America through his songs. He said, “Our nation is experiencing a catastrophic version of inclement weather.” He even poked fun at Jeff Sessions in one song which was met with roaring agreement from the audience.

I liked Ritter, especially during his interview portion. He’s a thoughtful speaker who crafts his words into story pictures. He is exceedingly charming with all grins and a boyish charm that belies his 40+ years. I hate to say it, but I don’t love his singing voice. There’s a soulfulness missing that’s more consistently found in the music of my Americana favorites: Jason Isbell, Ray LaMontagne, and The Avett Brothers. I think I’ll enjoy his new book, “Bright’s Passage” more. Josh is a gifted wordsmith, no doubt, but his sound doesn’t quite scratch my musical itches.

There was one Ritter song, of which I’m failing to pin down the lyrics, that caused tears to roll down my face. It was clear from Ritter’s words that, he too, has known the pain of a marriage that was utterly unsustainable. His words transitioned beautifully into the hope and joy he’s known in his new partner, and mother of his children, but the contrast between the two relationships caused an ache inside me. As the death rattle of the last days of my failed marriage drag on, the ENFP in me couldn’t help, but feel comforted by Josh Ritter’s words of understanding. I felt the ice that’s served to help protect my terrorized heart begin to thaw in a way that serves to tenderize.

On a much lighter note, I was overjoyed to run into Josh Oliver. He’s a mightily gifted musician from Tennessee who played for many years with The Everbodyfields and Jill Andrews in addition to his solo career. He’s now touring with Mandolin Orange. It was so good to hear him again. The surprise was definitely a highlight for me.

The most moving part of the evening, however, was an interview with a North Carolina woman who won the eChievement Award of the week. Ali Casparian shared her story of turning her domestic abuse nightmare into “Bounty and Soul”, a non-profit organization that aims to create healthier communities. Casparian rescues unused food to share with folks who are food insecure at five weekly markets. I was astonished to learn that after fleeing her abusive partner in New York, Casparian developed this program out of her own need to heal and grow starting in, of all places, my remarkable church in Asheville. I was covered in chills, and let’s be honest, tears, throughout her interview.

Nick and Helen Forster have a great deal of which to be proud with what they’ve birthed at eTown. Each program is true to its commitment of sharing “music, ideas, and community”. I was also proud to learn that WNCW was the only station who saved a spot for eTown when it struggled financially during its inception in 1991.

Music has helped heal and sustain me in countless ways throughout my life. I’m grateful to eTown for accompanying me during many commutes, long drives, and roadtrips. Thank you so very much. There’ll be more in the podcast soon.

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Folks have questioned why I update this blog in the midst of my season of deep grief. I do it because I want to remember what I was reading, thinking, exploring, learning, and listening to while I pressed through each new day. I want to have an account of what my life looked like while my daughter and I were forceably separated. I need to remember this for myself and I want to share this season with her when she is old enough to understand.

My time spent here also helps me stay accountable to myself: Do I face each new day with gratitude? Am I paying attention to daily miracles? Where am I finding joy amidst this seemingly endless suffering? Am I choosing to dwell on what is good and right and true?

On days like these, when I feel nearly buried by grief, I’m byoued by snail mail, like the one below, from friends who lavish me with love. Their words of encouragement are like talismans along this often dark path.

It would be easy for me to dwell in this hurt-filled place. Though I don’t freely share this, I’m often wracked with grief. My life, especially these past few years, have been rife with trauma. Overwhelming sadness is something I choose to overcome every single day. And I’ve been shocked and deeply hurt by the people who’ve repaid my love for and investment in them with unbelievable actions that clearly reflect their own bitterness and shame. I weep for them, too. I cannot imagine the feelings of guilt they are suffering.

But I refuse to live with that brand of ugliness. Most importantly, my daughter deserves better. I always speak highly of and kindly about our oppressors during my time with Sylvie and will continue to do so when she is living with me again. To choose otherwise would only harm her. She will learn the truth when she is old enough to seek it. To expose a child to such horrors will only break her heart and my daughter is too young to be exposed to these scarring realities.

For those of you who have or are still suffering under the often paralyzing reality of forced alienation from your child, my advice to you is simple and also hard: Hold strong, friends. You’ve got a child to fight for. Don’t stop fighting. They deserve your undying loyalty. Children need heroes, especially in our current culture where the sanctity of childhood is violated in every imaginable way. Please take gentle care of yourself so, in turn, you can care well for your child.

And for the beautiful souls who choose to invest their lives in protecting children and victims of domestic violence: Our gratitude for you is everlasting. You are doing hard, holy, life-changing work. Your endless toil on our behalves is nothing short of heroic.

I dropped by my DV law adviser’s office the other day to thank him for all he’s done for me. I had some good news I wanted to share with him in person and I was so touched by his beaming joy in response. Andy has encouraged me and believed in me when my belief in myself has faltered. After all my nightmarish experiences with morally bankrupt practitioners, I’ve been pleasantly surprised that God used a lawyer to remind me of my worth as a mother and as a person. That man cares. He is among my earth angels.

Friends, I know I say it frequently, but I won’t stop repeating the truth: You are not alone. You are never alone. Even when all the odds seem to be stacked against you, please remember that your story isn’t over yet. As long as you have breath, you have life, and so you have another opportunity to make a difference in someone else’s life… including your own. No matter how much the circumstances seem to prove otherwise, God is on your side. And I firmly believe God is for my persecutors, too. He loves us. ALL of us. Deeply. God wants their healing just as much as he wants mine.

Just ask God what he thinks of you. I promise that he loves you passionately and completely. And he feels the same passionate love for the ones who seek to do us harm. God created them and loves them, too.

Love can change anything and love will change everything. I believe this much is true.

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Thank you, Meg. I love you SO BIG. I cherished our time together.