nellathoughts1

[nellathoughts1]

Questions

Do you know who you are

Do you know what happened to you

Do you want to live this way

[nellathoughts1]

December 28th, 2019

There are days like these when I'm just completely out of it. My only refuge is speaking to God or simply laying in bed listening to gospel music. On days like these it's harder to stay positive and even worse it's much harder to give off positive energy to people. Just letting you know it's ok to not be ok. Pray and I'm sure he will provide the strength to take me through the day.

[nellathoughts1]

December 23rd, 2019

I sit here earlier today with my spirit feeling disturbed. No one troubled be or annoyed me, it was just one of those moments when I'm feeling miserable and unsettled within. I knew that the only cure for this was prayer.

Truth is I was feeling a little disappointed within myself, wondering why being discipline was so hard to be made into a habit. I was wondering why was it so easy to please everyone around me but myself. Why I can easily drop 5k on gift for someone but I have to think twice about buying it for me. I was also wondering why I'm still at a cross road as it relates to making a decision where I want to live and work in the future.

I'm praying that my desires for 2020 will be a burning sensation in my chest and fire to my skin. I want to push myself like I've never done it before. Even if I have to cry through it. I dont want to bargain with myself anymore. I want to fight through the annoying temptation of procrastination. If its God will and I'm in good health and strength, I will make 2020 the best year yet. I'm tired of talking and say I'm gonna do it and stuck in the same place I was when the year started. This cycle ends now. Here's a list, not limited to the things I want to achieve I 2020:

○ Change my diet and then turn it into a lifestyle.

○ Will be doing the CBT UK exam or NCLEX

○ Will formulate an appropriate exercise plan that is flexible enough to work with my working schedule. The very least 4 times a week

○ Increase my savings ( challenge yourself to save all overtime money made or 100k per month)

○ Buy or do something you WANT every month. Babygirl you deserve to treat yourself. *Doesnt have to be expensive

○ Make a budget plan monthly and try to stick to it. Even if not achieved to it's full potential every month, continue to write it anyway.

○ Do a full blood examination

○ Fasting and Prayer at least once a month. BIBLE study. Prayer everyday. Meditate.

○ Limit time spent on social media and use that time to read the book or newspaper.

○ Driving school (before the first half of the year)

○ Buy ground provision, fruits etc by the end of every week.

○ Save for Cruise ship trip

○

[nellathoughts1]

December 3rd, 2019

Blessings🌻

Can I take a moment to talk about the sole fact that God is real and true. Can I highlight that he is everything he said he is and more. Just want to think about how fortunate I am to have him in my life. The peace that he gives. I've been using these two words as a weapon since 2017 when I was practicing for my nursing exams , straight into 2018 when I was studying for my final licensure exam. BE STILL. It was all I needed as a reminder that things were gonna be ok. Just like in my previous post, it simply highlights that God is in control and Joy does come in the morning. I suffer from anxiety and occasionally, depression, but I'm so grateful that when I'm reminded of these 2 words, it seem to always do the job in calming me, giving me hope and a peace of mind. I will never be able to write about the goodness of God on this platform. The thought of his grace, mercies and Love is sometimes overwhelming. I cannot believe that I am loved by someone this much. I don't only see him as a provider, healer, protector etc, God is my very best friend, my father, my king, the author of my life. I'm grateful that I know him, that I'm able to worship him so passionately and true.

Lessons 🍃🍂

[nellathoughts1]

December 2nd. 2019

Blessings🌻

This year gratefulness filled my heart. Even though I would complain from time to time, I've noticed that I've become a little more optimistic, just by thinking about all the reason I should be thankful. It's a "mind thing". Being aware of my blessings intentionally have the power to change my mood in an instant. Being aware of the little things I'm blessed with, knowing how undeserving I am, gives me peace. Nowadays when I miss the bus, I just tell myself that I was'nt suppose to be on that bus ( even though I may never know the reason). I do not take my daily routine going out and coming in for granted. A million things could have happen on that journey and I will always remain grateful for that. May I never take for granted the roof over my head, the state of health of my family and friends, the Job that pays my bills. Yes even my job, that have taken a toll on my mental wellbeing, I'm grateful regardless. Because of my job I'm not in arrears, i can go out and enjoy life and buy the things i want and need. There is always something to be grateful for in every day. The moment I wake up and air is being exchanged through my lungs, is reason enough to feel blessed, it's a new day which mean another day was granted to me to be great, to change for the better, form new habits, choose happiness even in the midst of confusion and pain. There have been many moments when I feel confused and hurt and God showed me that hey, there are still reasons to be grateful today. Sometimes is thinking about how lucky I am to have a mom who cares, who wakes up religiously every morning to make my breakfast. Sometimes is having a friend who stay there in silence until I'm done crying. Or that same friend who's sole intention is to ensure that I'm doing ok. Sometimes it's the little things like listening to my favourite songs, cuddled up in my own arms. Life is hard and full of pain but I will never forget that life is also beautiful. How awesome it is that God has intentionally placed situations and people in my life to make this journey a little easier to trodd.

Lessons 🍃🍂

I've learnt that bad times don't last. But maybe I've learnt this sometime ago but somedays it is a beautiful reminder. So babygirl breathe...exhale the thought that this is the end of your story. Exhale the thought that your goals may be impossible to achieve. Exhale the thought that you may not be able to survive the next step your trying to take In your career. Exhale the thought that you are not enough, because you are enough. Exhale the thought that you can't and remember with Christ in the vessel you can smile at the storm.

As I go into the year 2020 may I practice the art of gratitude. May I try each day to intentionally think of reason to be thankful and positive. May I remember that I'm never alone. God is with me always. May I remember that God will provide in abundance, on every journey I travel. May I remember to be still,never give up and smile because at the end of the day things are gonna be ok.

[nellathoughts1]

December 1st, 2019

Blessings & Lessons

As I come to the end of chapter 2019, it's just about that time to sit and do some reflection on things I'm grateful for and lessons I can now hold on to, to become a better woman in Christ. This is officially a tradition. I've been doing this for years, as far back as high school. I would make videos on my laptop or write my thoughts and save it in drafts in my email. Now I have this platform, which make things a little easier :).

Everyday until NYE, I will write about a blessing and a lesson that I'd experience this year and how can use this gift in 2020.

Blessings🌻

This year I realized that people don't have to have a special title to be appreciated. I started the year reassigned to ward 2B, little did I know, it would be the beginning of quite a few beautiful encounters. I read a quote that said, don't pray for a job but pray for great coworkers. After being in a Job for 1 year plus, I couldn't agree more. There was ups and down but it was good while it lasted. Especially with Moya, ohh the countless laughs and support will remain in my heart forever. One of the up-sides of working with people that all have different personalities is the good you can see in all of them and wishing to emulate that quality someday. I realize that one coworker doesn't hold a grudge, she speaks what is on her mind and forget about it a couple hours after. The other is very hardworking, one has good resilience. One find strength in being in her own company, one always stays firm but professional when dealing with any form of conflict, one is so humble and calm most time. The list goes on. Even though we have all went our separate ways, the point is, I appreciate them all. And if I can start taking away the good in the beautiful people I've met, I will continue to work on being a better me. In the middle of the year I was moved to ward Edwina, met a different team a month after. I could say the same, I feel comfortable working with most of them and I'm so very grateful that the place I spend majority of my time, is not a toxic environment. Dear God, thank you for intentionally placing me in a environment where I can coexist in harmony with my coworkers. Thank you lord for coworkers who became friends, for the ones who have taught me good values to emulate by simply being themselves. I am grateful for the good moments shared. The spirit of team work and support. Lord I pray for each and everyone of them, that may enjoy the rest of the year, have a merry Christmas with their family and loved ones and a much brighter and better 2020.

Lessons 🍃🍂

I've learnt that "Acceptance" can take you a far way. Acceptance is not giving up but it is surrendering control, being still, letting go and letting God take control of the situation. Acceptance is having faith that all things (not some) is working towards a bigger and better divine plan, crafted by Jesus himself. Acceptance is being content with the present, knowing deep down that the present situation is not permanent, but it is to be lived to the fullest. This include enjoying every moment of it, learning and having a grateful attitude. Acceptance is the key to the gateway of internal peace and a joyful spirit. Acceptance is power. This year I cried many times and was drowning in fear, thinking about the things I have no control of. God blessed me with the wisdom of looking at surrender and acceptance on a whole new level. I didn't realize that most of my problems stemmed from trying to take full control over the plans and goals I've set for my life. Other things I tried to control was people based on their value in my life. I would think that, hey you are my best friend, why are you not living up to that title? Or hey this is not how family suppose to be. It made me angry, full of resentment and cold. I didn't want to live my life like that. So this year, I learned to let go of the notion that people with titles in my life should meet this invisible unwritten list of expectations. As a matter of fact, I'm practicing to stop using titles and removing the ones I've set for years. The effort and passion I use to pour into people, I'm slowly learning to pour into into myself, my rship with God, eventually working on my rship with my mom and overall building a healthier lifestyle for myself. The truth is I can no longer pour from an empty cup. The other truth is, I have a lot of work to do on myself. I'm trying to prepare myself in becoming a great daughter, wife, mother and nurse.

For 2020, I would love to really make it a selfish year. Where I go in over drive and work vigorously on improving all aspects of my life. All while appreciating and accepting people and situations I will encounter along the way.

Dieu est Amour 💙

[nellathoughts1]

November 23rd. 2019

Notes on love, desperate desires & the waiting game.

It's almost 1am in the morning and I'm here reflecting about what I've been struggling with these past few weeks. If I can't be honest with myself, then who am I really fooling. I like to believe this is a safe space to gather my thoughts into words so I can gain some perspective or solutions. The truth is not always pretty and easy to hear, so with that said, the next few sentences will be the raw truth about my desperate desire for love and the waiting game which I resent.

As I open my phone to check Instagram, Facebook etc, all I can see is people enjoying the great milestone of falling in love, getting married and having kids. I've been single for let's say 7-8 months. In between that I strongly believe I've never really been in a serious committed rship that I'm proud of. I've started dating as young as maybe 18. Now I'm 26 and I feel like wow what a waste of time and how pointless these rships all were. I mean what did they contribute to my life? what life changing lesson and experiences did I gain from any? They all were a series of trauma, rejection and situations that threaten myself esteem and self worth. One may say, you did learn in the end; to be wiser and it made you stronger. Ok BUT, what if I had the opportunity to be in a mature relationship, where the guy actually understood how to treat a lady. Took the time to truly know me, made plans for a fruitful future for the both of us. The type of guy who shows me the definition of support, honesty and love. The type of guy who's mind is not possessed by sexual desires 24/7 or who find the need to manipulate me to get what he wants. Even if this rship still didn't work out for whatever reason ( let's say distance, grew apart or different interest) I would be proud enough to speak about this person. I would have known that maturity, compassion and love etc is very much possible in a rship and I shouldn't settle for anything less. My point is, there are too much pointless failed rships, men who think that they are men, mature and ready to commit. Some people are looking for fun and that's ok (as long as the other person is informed). I'm just thankful I didn't end up pregnant or with a STD, that's all I'm thankful for. The best I can do is forgive myself for not knowing better at the time. I'm proud of myself for truly learning from my past mistakes. Since my last rship I've learned that its important to give myself time to truly know a person, to see if their values match mine, to see if we want similar things, to see if he loves God as much as I do. To learn what he's ambitious about and the lifestyle he accepts. So as much being disappointed sucks, I think it's better to cut the time wasting from early, see the red flags for what they truly are and move along with my life. Recently I've met a guy at the supermarket who looked pretty decent, 2 days later in the "getting to know phase" he informed me that he was married but still looking to have fun. Without a second thought, I threw the whole idea away, delete his number and moved on. Even though I felt like ugh why this keep happening to me, I was grateful for honesty and that he didn't waste my time.

The truth is though, I'm longing for love. I want to be held and loved. I want to have fruitful conversations and laugh uncontrollably. I want to build a God-like future with this special person. I want my next rship to be the last rship. I want a life partner, to travel with and achieve milestones with. This I've been thinking about real hard.

[nellathoughts1]

November 15th. 2019

My mind is one big jumble. Mostly it's like a bunch of cords that are badly tangled and it seem like its gonna be a task to unravel the mess. The sad part is I can't begin to comprehend how it got so badly tangled in the first place. It's like I woke up one day and realized no matter how hard I try, happiness is not being served on the menu anymore. Right now I don't think I have any more 'try' or 'fight' inside of me. I have to do this thing called life every day, I get it. But why does everyday feels like a battle or an obstacle to get over. Work is filled with confusion, my home is filled with confusion and God seem so far away, rather than just a prayer away. He should be enough, I want him to be but I need a second to understand why everything seem to be crumbling down in front of me. Failed relationships, hardships everywhere, things that is out of my control. He said "be still", he said "give faith a fighting chance", the battle is not yours, lay your burdens at the cross, joy comes in the morning. Why dear lord do I understand these powerful words but cannot live them. Please help me to give up and surrender everything to you.

[nellathoughts1]

October 22nd 2019

The year is basically coming to an end and I’m just thankful for everything it offered so far. New hope and possibilities. Dear God, I thank you. I didn’t think I would learn so much about myself and other things. But thats the beauty about life, I will never stop learning. I had to face some harsh truths this year, the kinda of truth they say hurts, because it’s hard to accept the reality of things. One of them is, im no longer close to Patrine. There was a time where daily conversations or even weekend conversations were a must. Home and bored? No problem, I’m gonna fish for money and take 3 buses to portmore. Talking on the phone for hours trying to figure out life. The truth is, things didn’t have to be this way and I think that’s the part that hurts the most. I begin to realize that maybe effort in some cases was a one way stream and that misunderstandings were always there but now it’s becoming a strain. With all the pressures of this adulthood transition and still planning for a better future, I decided that I can no longer force any relationship, including a relationship as important as this one. I battle with depression and in moments when it’s dormant I have to protect my peace. So now I accept whatever is left of this friendship and move along with my life. Since this revelation, I can safely say I will no longer put my all in friendships the way I did before. I do things with passion, and when things fail or things seem unfair, I’m really the one that gets hurt in the long run. Don’t get me wrong, I will be a friend, I will celebrate with them, sympathize when needs be, buy gifts for birthdays etc but I WONT give my all, I won’t pour out passion. Right now I’m trying to do that for myself and someday my husband and child(ren).

This year I made the decision to be single. Time, I can’t afford to waste it anymore. I can’t settle in a relationship that I’m positive will not work out. I feel like maybe this one was the last straw and I also feel like I have reached the point where I have truly recognized my strengths and my faults. My vision is much more clear about the deeper things I need in a relationship. The obvious was always love, support, gentleness, justice, security and of course being faithful. I still want a husband that is established or is working on establishing his self like me everyday. But then I begin to realize that theres so much more characteristics and assets a man need to bring to the table, likewise a woman. This brings me to the ‘not so obvious list’ (1)he has to be a Christian: I have battled with this topic about being ‘evenly yoked’ with your life partner. But I didn’t want to believe it. Now it’s the only thing that make sense to me. I love Jesus with all my heart, I love to worship, my spirituality is a big part of me. So to be dating a guy who wasn’t even interested to understand why my Christian values and worship was so important was uncomfortable, for lack of better words. I had to put the most important aspect of my life on the back bench, so there would be more comfort in indulging in sin and also to not let the other person feel forced into something he did not believe in. Now where is the self love in that? And resentment will definitely come in the picture eventually , when I realize what I had to do to please a man and not myself and God. (2) We must need/want simlilar things. This one is a bit complex to explain. But to put it simple, I am a free spirt but at the same time it’s very easy for me to get comfortable and settle. However, I think we must always, as a couple be willing to go for the next best thing. I want to travel and learn about culture and art. I want to get married and have children. I want a beautiful home with a backyard. I want a family vehicle. I want family road trips and togetherness. We must need/want similar things. It’s important! So if a guy is not interested in any of these things I don’t see how he could be my life partner. Because Klenisha no longer says no to herself to yes to a man. (3) we must be best friends, communicate effectively because no one can read minds and most of all be passionate in love and acts of love.

There is so much more I can say but I will leave it at that. 2019 is paving the way for an amazing 2020. The year I believe so much will change for me, only for the better.

-Dieu est amour

[nellathoughts1]

August 17

It’s been a tough couple of days. I’m not surprised that my depression is triggered by rough situations, especially situations outside of my control. I think I understand now why they call it crippling depression, sometimes it feels like paralysis-depression. I have no sense of drive or motivation to do anything. Things that I’m passionate about. Not even to fight hard for my future. I’m tired, I’ve always been tired. This time however, it’s a little different, this time I know that God is by my side, so I just go through the storm because even though it’s apart of me, it gets dormant and I can smile again, truly smile and appreciate life.

One night I went to bed, I was tired and physically sick. But I was ok. Then the next morning I woke up to a story no daughter wants to hear. My mother was hurt and she was alone. It broke my heart to pieces, I mean it crushed me. I don’t think I’ve ever cried like that before. I won’t say much more but all I know it was a wake up call to try my best to have a relationship with her. So I’m taking baby steps. I’ll crawl, until I can walk, until I’m able to run. It not going to be easy at all, but it’s worth they try. I’m thankful for God, for helping me to keep it together for the past couple of days.

[nellathoughts1]

July 13th 2019

Changes & a season of waiting

[nellathoughts1]

June 6th. 2019

Grief

Grief is a topic I'm grateful and fortunate I don't have to deal with right now. Even though grieving takes many form and it's relative to the situation at hand, it is often use when referring to a permanent loss of someone close to heart. Life is not a competition, so it's not about whose story is the saddest. My heart is broken for the people around me who I can empathize with. I'm sorry that they hurt even if I don't know them that well. Maybe it comes from being familiar with what death feels like and loosing someone close to me. I guess I can use all the grieving situations I see around me, sometimes more often than I would like and learn from it. Learn that the people God has placed in my life, especially the ones that have brought me great joy and memories, to the people who took care of me when I was vulnerable and dependent, maybe I should be brave, take down my guard and show them some love and try to live in peace with them. Because tommrow is truly not promised to noone. Death is final and permanent. Life is filled with endless possibilities. Please Nella, learn to forgive, choose peace, choose light and good times. Most of all continue to trust God and pray for the people he placed in your life..easier said than done ( I know) but it's worth the try.

-Dieu est Amour

[nellathoughts1]

June 5th 2019

Keep on hoping

Keep the faith

Continue to trust in him

Continue to love yourself through it all

Continue to choose you and everything you believe in first

Stay strong

You can do all things, because Christ is within you.

-Dieu est amour 💙

[nellathoughts1]

June 4th. 2019

God's grace is enough!

Today I woke up in sadness. As a matter of fact I went to bed with a heavy heart as with my previous post, I explained how my night ended. Because I see the situation for more than what it is I know I had to spend sometime with God. So I did a little fasting a prayer session this morning. As usual I always feel renewed. I learned that:

God's grace is enough.

When I'm weak, he will be my strength.

Lay all my burdens on him and be still.

These words rest on my heart and it was enough. I hope I can remember these words as I go through this revolutionary period in life. I hope I remember along the way to trust God, be still and never give up! Taking one day at a time. Patience is the key as I travel on this journey. Thank you God for this perspective

Dieu est amour 💙

[nellathoughts1]

June 3rd. 2019

Today was going good. I did some business at uwi and made it ontime for work. Everything seemed fine but one simple trigger, that occurred almost at yhe end of my shift just ruined my entire night. And now it feels like the whole day was bad but in reality it wasn't. I instantly went in the worst mood, at work, which if I'm being completely honest, was very unfair to my cowokers. All I know is that I'm trying. I know mentally and emotionally I'm not doing very well. But I'm trying my very best to give the best of me. To smile, to be patient, to be respectful, to not let the burden and unfairness of my work and he environment get the best of me. I try. But today I felt like I failed myself. Mostly because I want it to become apart of me to not allow everybody to piss me off. I don't want to give them that power but at the same time, it's hard for me to tolerate any form of unfairness and disrespect. At this point all I can do is pray. I feel like I'm gonna loose it one day and it won't be a pretty sight. All I can do is try to stay strong and hope for better days. Dear Lord, give me the strength to endure. Give me the patience as you change the course of my life into something so beautiful I didn't know it exist. Thank you for all you have done. Love you my King!

-Dieu est amour 💙

[nellathoughts1]

June 2nd. 2019

Moving forward

How do I move forward with this spirtual goal I have in mind and in my heart. Right now it feels like a long way to the top. At the same time Christianity is not a destination it's an ongoing journey. A journey that requires alot of patience and even more than ever, FAITH.

I'm tired of making plans that seem to fail after awhile. I'm tired of only feeling like I need God whenever I'm in an emotional state. I need to need him all times, neutral, basic or normal moments, I want to need him. I want to work towards a full filling rship. Right now I don't know where to start. I really dont. As I reflect on one of my favorite quotes "you put one foot in front of the other, and when you look back you've climbed a mountain. I believe if God can help me through the difficulties in my life he will be elated to help me with this as well. So be still darling and as you withdraw from lies, wickedness, lust, greed and anger from this world, I only ask you of one thinh, don't give up. It will not be easy buy it will definitely be worth it.

-Dieu est amour 💙

[nellathoughts1]

June 1st 2019

Dear God,

It has been a clueless couple of days, maybe weeks or months. All I know is right now the emptiness, the numbness is not how I want to live this life. I am completely lost without you. I got up, I fall back down, I held on to your hands, only to let it go again. I failed myself also when I failed you. I have been carrying so much anger inside of me, for so many things. I just want to lay them all at the feet of the cross. It is too much of a burden to carry. I come to you today lord, in a brand new day and month asking you to accept me, forgive me, renew me, bring me closer to you, let me smile again, bring my soul joy and contentment. Help me to be still, all me to allow you to protect me, to guide me, to make Godly choices, to be good, to be honest, to be patient. As I rekindle the candle to continue on my Christian journey oh lord, be my guide and order my steps into the unknown. I don't know if I can do it or If I will fall for the next shiny new desire. But what I do know, is that I'm tired, complete exhausted of going back, of letting both you and myself down. I'm tired of not honoring the only person that have groomed me into the woman I am today (who is not perfect) but definitely full of growth. God what I'm trying to say, is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for choosing him instead of you. I'm sorry for trusting in them instead of you. I'm sorry that it's always easier to procrastinate on your teachings on our rship and not theirs. I'm sorry for everytime I did not choose you first. It was not wise and it only brought me to this. With you Lord, it has never only been about needing or wanting you to bless me with my hearts desire, but I have always loved having a rship with you. Life seem so meaningless, just opening my eyes everyday, going to work, then home and maybe a few outings with friends here and there. I want to go back to the mornings when I'm aware of the blessings of being alive. Walk with me God, don't let go. I need you. Because I don't know what I'm doing. Truth is lord, it doesn't matter what you give me, If I don't have you lord, nothing even matters. I have received many things that I've prayed for, and even in moments of living the dream and realizing my blessings and answered prayers, I do feel empty, alone, frustrated until, only until I sacrifice some time to speak to you to gain e perspective. My next goal on life is to do Nclex, to live and work in America. To get a fresh start and brand new experiences. But I could get all of then in the next coming year and more and it still will all mean nothing if I don't have you in the center of my life. Lord please forgive me, please guide me in the path of living my life intentionally for the both of us. I love you.

-Dieu est amour 💙