nenevergonnabeyou - Tumblr blog

nenevergonnabeyou · 1 month ago

Text

kyo+gi

im watching kyogi's love story and im stil halfway part 2 but i cant stop sniffing kasi nga naman !! to give context theyre an mlm couple that stayed very private for 6 years until kyo spilled everything on lui's bday which shocked literally everyone.

my mind then went to my first relationship, which was with a girl, and i just realized how deep the wound really is. when i talk about relationships, ofc id say it wasnt normal for how toxic it was but the pain of not being accepted always seems invisible to me not until i hear a beautiful queer acceptance story. ykwim? i dont even feel it when somebody asks how it was for me when i came out.

hearing other couples having private but not secret lovelife, or parents accepting each other, or being taken out on dates normally, not having the need to show the relationship to the public — thats when it hits me. the security of just loving somebody and not needing attention from others, because youre never hidden in the first place. for me, chances of posting my ex gf was such a pleasure bc thats how i felt the support. people clicking the like button or commenting positively was the only way for me to absorb that "oh okay, i am valid. my love is valid."

it was hard. it was REALLY REALLY hard especially when it came to our parents. i was insulted and humiliated in front of her entire family, sometimes in front of friends too. my mom still doesnt fully accept me.

it was even more difficult to hide and be hidden. im a very showy person and i love expressing myself. im so confident when it came to love. im always the one to approach or make my intentions clear first. all of that changed during that relationship that i lost all of my power in expressing my love. i even think half of my anxiety rooted from it bc i was always wary and stressing of people thinking were more than friends, people seeing us kiss and get close, bc someone out theres just one message away from telling on us (which happened a lot of times btw).

well all of this is just the grief talking. whyd my very first wlw relationship that meant so much to me thats supposed to found my queerness and shouldve protected me become a nightmare? i understand the need to grow, but why did a 15 yo have to go through all of that AT ONCE for 3 yrs? why wasnt the world a little kinder at least to me (im talking about how i was cheated and if thats needed to knock some sense into my dumb ass then ok but at least let me be gay freely)? i just wanted to experience the 'living my first life as a gay teenager' too.

ok ill continue watching now. this took me 42 mins to write lol

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 1 month ago

Text

shoes

hate how we almost only settle for less just cause we're poor.

all my life, in terms of fashion, ive always want to do a pop of color. one reason i dont is that i dont think how to do it or that itd look awkward. second would be it being a waste. its hard to repeat colored things bc it would look more repetitive that it would to neutrals. this realization hit me just now when i was looking up the shoes that i want to buy and its green. my sister went, "look for something that can match anything." which i then replied to with, "this can match anything." in which she didnt believe. well i feel a really strong urge to just buy that pair.

im already settling for this brand, just so it could last longer since im gonna walk a lot on it. i dont wanna settle again for a boring neutral color. if i manage to get the budget i will buy it whether it matches everything or not. if it really doesnt, then ill have to make it work.

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 2 months ago

Text

tap on the back bc i managed to achieve most of these

i don't have the heart to tell my sister i can't afford sending her to college, giving her the birthday she deserves, buying groceries, taking another interview for a job, because all i want to do right now is kill myself

3 notes · View notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 2 months ago

Text

i have so many friends but not having girl friends stay with you is hurtful. all of my gfs, i just cant connect with them like that. i cant get myself to like them. kung di mga trapo binoboto, ang pangit ng beliefs, or nag stray away na from my life kasi magkaiba na ng environment. or maayos naman upbringing and goods naman overall pero may thinking na separate art from artists (which for me is only valid pag di ka agree sa simple things like fav color na gusto ng artist, not when it comes to political views or personal values in life). i have my young gay friends naman, and i help them with serious stuff like kung sino papakinggan na opinion and how to weigh things properly. but i want girl friends my age :((( i have my sister too but she has friends who are kinda racists. its just...... maybe i got too high standards.

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 4 months ago

Text

i don't have the heart to tell my sister i can't afford sending her to college, giving her the birthday she deserves, buying groceries, taking another interview for a job, because all i want to do right now is kill myself

3 notes · View notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 4 months ago

Text

forgiving is such a humbling experience. i could never do it, never once liked doing it, for it feels like letting go of the power you are in control of. yet universe has its ways. you could hate somebody so much not knowing they'd be the very people to offer you a hand.

i'm feeling desperate still but i guess i have no choice but to accept the aid i'm getting :/ and just really stop talking about them. i'd be the dumbest if i let this shit go because of resentment. k, forget i'm mad

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 4 months ago

Text

my hands are sadly hanging; my lips quivering; my eyes wandering; my feet walking back and forth. how i long to be held, touched, and felt.

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 5 months ago

Text

sometimes i wonder.. will i ever get to the point where i need to kill myself just to stop the pain?

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 5 months ago

Text

i think i know why i dont like asking for help. my standards are too high. i dislike feeling disappointed, whether it be by others or myself. often times, i only ask for help when im done trying to fix things on my own. and when i do it i want to really get the help i need. if not, i sulk and feel a bit neglected. id regret why i asked for help in the first place. it feels like if i cant fix it, no one really can. and then comes the disappointment. and then the self-hatred. at least if i did things on my own and failed, i wouldnt have to experience feeling the embarrassment out of asking for help. it makes me feel weak. being vulnerable around people is important in building relationships. but i guess ive just had enough of it. especially when they too, dont ask for my help. or if the help im asking for is too small compared to their problems. id say i shouldve known better. im sorry its just really hard to go easy on yourself... :(

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 6 months ago

Text

i miss my friends. i miss talking to them without thinking about what they think about philippine politics, or the harmful effects of ai, or abortion. i know conversations with friends doesn't always have to be about some serious shit but we hardly ever talk about it, and i'm starting to somehow feel like they don't care.. about the society? i get it though. not caring is the key to being happy. i just can't help but look around and want to help. not saying they also don't want that but just that they're not voicing out their opinions enough? uhmm they're not caring enough.. in a way that they don't even research about what right things we should do to be able to help. and i hate that. i can't talk to them about light stuff anymore because i don't feel like doing that with someone who doesn't care. the older i become, the harder it is for me to like people. because everybody sucks. even i, suck too, sometimes.

0 notes

nenevergonnabeyou · 6 months ago

Text

"look, i've gotten so good at solving jigsaw puzzles! it's so fun."

"that's easy. i can do that too."

"no, please don't. i was just trying to share how good i am now."

"why not?"

"because it hurts thinking somebody would always be better than me, especially if it's my friends."

"do you envy us, gwenne?"

"of course i do. i wouldn't be me if i wasn't always envious about what others can do."

"why?"

"i like knowing im good at things that others can't do. it makes me feel that i, too, can excel at something. i, too, can be the best at something.

i wasn't always like this. but i've shared games only i've discovered to others, taught them how to do it, and then they got too good even i couldn't get to their level.

my father once taught me how to play checkers but i could never beat him. it comes to a point where my tears are slowly falling down but i'm still fighting. i could see him try to stop himself from laughing, maybe about how cute i looked like-- trying to beat him, but i only felt like a loser.

i could only win when he lets me, and he couldn't even act dumb. i know he does it to make me feel good. still, i didn't. and so i kinda carried that with me. why couldn't i be better than him?

these days, i hang with no one but myself. and so the thinking becomes overthinking. from feeling resentment, i've become a resentful person. i think i'm better than everyone else, while still feeling like a loser inside.

i can't help but hate my friends about things i refuse to talk to them about because i figured it would only lead to disagreements. and i, for one, couldn't sit with the fact that i was wrong, and that they were thinking that way.

i couldn't wrap my head around why people do the things they do. not caring about politics or the environment, hurting me with their words, supporting people who have done awful things. i'm too woke, they say. and so i resented them for that.

i will never understand why my family treated me awfully. why couldn't they keep me in a single house when i was young? why didn't they think better so they could protect me from the things i'm feeling right now. they tried, but why didn't they try harder? and so i resented them for that.

i've gotten too attached with resentment that i feel my ego being stepped on whenever it goes away. i hate confrontations because despite being resentful, i still have the softest heart and couldn't even bother to argue when somebody explains their thought process to me. i accept what they can offer, be it an apology or an excuse, and put an end to it by forgiving them or ignoring them forever. and forgiving hurts so much 'cause when i get hurt i'm often stuck with a "why? i would've never done that to you." so why should i forgive? why does forgiving essential for a person to grow? why couldn't i carry all these with me forever? i feel like it's all i have.

i have so many friends, more than anybody could even ask for, yet i still feel so alone. and so i let my baggage stay. letting them go only means i'm gonna get left again. people might hurt me and leave me but at least my grudges stay with me and help me cry at night."

"that seems a lot."

"it is a lot. i know i'd feel better and lighter when i let these go but i'm going at my own pace. i'm still trying to sit with the fact that sometimes, people are just really mean, and maybe the purpose they have in your life is to cause such deep pain. -that i can't always question why they did what they did. -that i don't always have to think about the other version of them who refuse to do what they did."

it's a cruel place out here. don't go out. better, don't even ask to be born, unless your family is mad rich and secured. being born in a poor toxic household can give you irreparable damage. stay safe.

0 notes