being a teenager is so confusing
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rough sketch of this picture
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god im seriously shit i wish i could die so bad
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i really really really want to die right now i have NO ONE and theres nothing i can even do about it.t
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i just want to die so bad but i cant because my mom and sister will be so so sad and it will scar their lives forever i seriously just wish id never been born because i cant die like that fuck i just want to die i would get my dads old rifle out of the cabinet and put it in my mouth and pull the trigger i just wish i could so bad but my best friend (?) is coming to my state tomorrow APPARENTLY so i have to see him but he doesnt even want me there!!!! it would just be better if i died but out of obligation he has to see me and if i dont see him im an asshole even though he would be happy about it. i KNOW he just wishes he could ignore me i wish he would just SAY IT i cant fucking do this it makes me too sad and reminds me too much of rose i remember when she ghosted me for like 3 weeks or something and talked to everybody else i just wish he would do that to me i mean what hes doing right now is close enough. maybe i should just drop off the face of the earth? like not die but just go radio silent u know and that would take care of that. it seriously wouldnt change much i mean i dont think anyone would even NOTICE at this point except now elliot expects me to text him back?? or maybe not??? i dont even know i just want to die
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i deleted all my instagram stuff i dont want anybody to see me or what i say or anything i dont want to subject them to it and i dont want them to know i exist
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like i cant even post that i feel bad to my tumblr main with 45 followers because my 45 followers dislike me and they dont even KNOW me something is seriously wrong with me and i dont know what
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i wish i could tell someone i feel bad but i never can because literally nobody likes me i have some kind of personality or appearance wise or vibe detterent thar makes everyone dislike me i just wish i could change it and then maybe i could tell somebody i felt bad and not make them hate me more
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i forgot how it felt to be this fucking like horrible feeling i thought i was feeling bad before but now i just feel so awful its unbelievable. i cant believe i did that im so fucking mad ans sad and idk bad feeling
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and i feel how i felt with rose with elliot now just like she stopped liking me he did too. if either of them even liked me in the first place??? probably not tbh i think im actually unlovable or something like seriously but i was literally supposed to be ok and cool even if nobody liked me. i was cool. i am supposed to be cool, ok, and fine.
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i was supposed to be better itold my sister that inwas better and i was supposed to be better for her
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fuck everything is awful im awful i self harm replased im supposed to be OK but i fuck up and now im not
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everything sucks 😭
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if i accidentally rb to my sideblog dont hmu 😭 i am sorry 💔
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anyways i think that at least any good art MUST have meaning right? at the same time there are amazing paintings without a lot of meaning, they are just very skillfully done and are simply beautiful. and the other one its like aesthetics or something? that honestly doesnt make a lot of sense to me. but i know people who make that kinda sculpture or whatever usually have some kind of vibe or message they are trying to create. btw i hate when people act like wow that stupid sculpture of a blob in a beautiful form is so easy looking i could do that. like dude those are actually pretty hard to make 😭 u have to use wire and shit like its hard asf😭
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