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neolibrary · 2 years ago

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hate the club

pairing: Ten x you

genre: exes to lovers. angst ensues. smut.

warnings: alcohol consumption, vulgar language, unprotected sexual intercourse

word count: 6.3k

summary: A couple of months have passed since your breakup with your ex, Ten, and though a part of you doesn’t want to see him again, the other needs answers. When you meet him at the club one night, you ask him for closure.

Strobe lights of various hues flickered across every inch of the room. Bass speakers were to thank for the loud music reverberating beneath your toes. The bar reeked of alcohol and the fumes of toxins.

But none of it registered in your mind. You were too absorbed in thought. Surprisingly, they were still clear over the blaring speakers.

It came as no shocker that they were about Ten. This was practically his club now. Ten worked here every Friday night and Lisa had been the one to tell you that his performances spurred an influx of customers, which meant more money for the business. It was no wonder why they permitted him to continue.

He’s really a superstar now, you thought reminiscently. Your lips twitched with the desire to smile. That had been your nickname for Ten for the longest. Even when he had nothing and built himself from the ground up. You remembered the way his cheeks would flush and his lips would break into the biggest grin.

That being said, you wanted to be anywhere but here right now. Ten would be performing tonight, given it was Friday. Alas, your friends invited you on a girls night out, and you couldn’t decline.

They would see right through you. You wanted to put on a brave face. Like hell you would let them know that after three months you were still brooding over a boy you couldn’t have.

And a boy that clearly didn’t want you.

“I think she’s on Mars somewhere,” Lisa quipped when you zoned out.

Your eyes flickered. And you remembered where you were. Not someplace with Ten that only existed in your memories, but out with your girls.

Jennie gasped, “There you are!”

The girls laughed.

You rolled your eyes. “I’m here. I just spaced out a little, is all.”

“Ten’s on in a couple of minutes,” Rosé told you, having actually been paying attention.

“And I’m supposed to care why?”

Rosé gave you a knowing look. “You know why. All I’m saying is that we can leave if you want. Go downtown to grab some Chinese food and call it a night.”

You frowned. It would seem your friends knew you too well. Leave it to them to see through your measures to act indifferent.

With a shrug, you replied, “It’s not a big deal, you guys. We broke up months ago. The past is in the past. I can handle a little performance.”

Jisoo pestered, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, Jisoo. I’m sure. It’s totally fine,” you lied through your teeth. “And he’s a good performer. You can admit you guys want to watch.”

Jennie spat, “I don’t care if he can bend over backwards and defy the laws of gravity. He broke your heart. The guy’s an asshole first and foremost.”

No, he’s a performer, you wanted to say, but fought like hell to resist. Defending Ten was a natural instinct, because you had done it since you could walk. When the other kids picked on Ten and called him names, he could count on you to threaten them with a wave of your fist.

It had always been like that. You standing up for him was what brought you together. Ten had always been too weird; too different. He invented a norm for himself. It was what people hated about him, but what drew you to him.

You figured it was only natural that the two of you had fallen in love. Ever since you could remember, it had been you and Ten against the world. Now, the world loved him. And you were discarded and forsaken.

Those days never passed you by. You remembered when you used to tower over Ten and teased the living hell out of him for it. Then, in high school, he grew just enough to be slightly taller than you and never let you forget.

But those weren’t the days you longed for. You missed the days when you would come home from a long day of work to a loving boyfriend. The ones when you would cuddle and chat about everything under the sun. When it crossed your mind that those days had been gone long before the fateful breakup, you denied it with your whole being.

The Ten you knew back then wasn’t the Ten you knew now. Somewhere between then and now, he had become a stranger in a blink.

You noticed the crowd cheer and your gaze immediately flitted to the stage, pulse thudding when you noticed Ten had gotten a hold of the microphone.

“Good evening,” Ten said, smiling when the crowd erupted in cheer. The sight tugged at your heartstrings a little too harshly. “Uh… I want to start off tonight with an impromptu song that’s very personal to me. Are we good with that?”

The crowd, once again, shouted their consent. You noticed some obviously perplexed partygoers go silent, but spectate curiously.

“Okay, cool. DJ.”

Then, a song proceeded to play through the speakers. The beat kicked in and Ten started to sing. It was sweet, melodic. Like it always was.

Your heart thudded viciously against your ribcage to the beat of the music, finding the pulse it had tirelessly searched for. You could feel it lingering at the base of your neck. Maybe it wasn’t all that familiar. Something about this song contrasted starkly with the ones you remembered he would practice over and over.

Those nights never escaped you. Long ones consisting of Ten overworking his body in front of a mirror until his body went numb and then some. He sacrificed so much of himself for this career.

Something bitter scorched its way up your throat. He sacrificed us too.

Ten started to sway to the music. You were surprised to find he wasn’t doing much dancing right now. It left you with nothing to focus on nothing but the lyrics. And that handsome face of his.

The more you listened, the harder your lips molded into a frown. It made you realize how much you missed his voice. You remembered those nights where he would hold you in his arms, singing into your ears, and wondered if he remembered them too. You never wanted to accept that he’d forgotten how it felt to love you.

For a long time, you wondered if he ever really did.

Maybe it was never what he wanted. Everyone saw you and Ten together, including yourself. Your parents saw it. His parents saw it. Even the goddamn bullies and every college professor saw it.

You figured Ten had seen it too. But maybe he had tunnel vision. He only saw the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

You were, of course, at the other side.

Still, your eyes were glued to Ten. You couldn’t take them off. You were just so proud of him and who he had become. Nothing would change that.

Then, Ten’s gaze flitted to you, and you saw his eyes widen with alarm for a fraction of a second. And yet, he never faltered. Your heart ricocheted, and you averted your eyes elsewhere.

Holy fuck.

The song ended soon after, but Ten had a line of performances in store to keep the club entertained. By the end of it, you couldn’t even count on both hands how many new fans he had. The club was a great spot for exposure.

You headed straight for the bar when he was finished. Your body was begging for tequila. You took a shot, wincing when it scorched its way down your throat and made your heart beat quicker.

“I’m going to the bathroom,” Lisa announced to you, Rosé, and Jennie. Jisoo was accompanying her. It went against girl code to let your friend wander by herself at a club.

“Don’t die,” Rosé told her, sipping on her drink.

You waved her away. “Have fun.”

Lisa rolled her eyes, made some snarky comment about how she would have fun in a public restroom, and walked off with Jisoo in tow.

You sat there and chatted with Rosé and Jennie, tirelessly attempting to distract yourself from the thoughts of Ten that plagued your brain. You wanted to hate him for what he did to you, but the memories were unshakable.

“I hope you guys liked his performance at least,” you muttered.

“Not one bit,” Rosé said without missing a beat.

You groaned, “Oh, come on. He’s great. You have to give the guy that.”

“Why do you want us to like him so bad?” Jennie asked, finishing her second shot of vodka.

Rosé clapped her hands together. “Exactly. Don’t tell me you’re still head over heels in love with that boy.”

“I never said that,” you retorted promptly. “I’m just saying, the animosity is weird. You guys don’t even know why we broke up.”

Jennie interrupted, “Correction - you don’t even know why you guys broke up.”

You bit your tongue. She had you there. That day was still so bizarre. One second, you were fighting to salvage what was still left of your relationship with Ten, and the next, he was telling you it was over.

The pain made you delirious and dizzy. Had you really been clinging onto something that wasn’t there anymore? You thought you could overcome any barrier, because before anything, you were friends. That was the foundation.

Still, you fought. You denied it with everything you had. You tried to convince him you could get through it together, but it wasn’t enough.

You wanted to lie and say that it had come out of nowhere, but you knew those currents had been stirring under the surface for some time now. Those restless days spent practicing in front of a mirror. Those nights where you slept alone, wishing he would crawl into bed. It all culminated in the worst day of your life to date.

You noticed Jennie and Rosé glance behind you, an unrecognizable look on their faces.

You gave them a look. “What?”

Then, you looked behind you. And what you saw made the world tilt upside-down.

There beside Lisa stood Ten in his glory. Well, not exactly. He looked borderline petrified. Your heart proceeded to do a somersault or two.

Ten, glancing at Lisa, stammered, “I-I thought…”

“You’re still as gullible as you were when I met you twenty-something years ago,” Lisa scoffed, stepping away and beckoning the girls to follow suit. Which they begrudgingly did after she shot them a commanding scowl.

You swallowed to damp your dry throat. Your hands were shaking.

“Um, hi,” you managed to force out your mouth.

Ten smiled thinly. “Hey.”

This was awkward as hell. The last time you saw Ten was three months ago when you came to gather the last of your belongings from his apartment.

“I saw your performance. You did great.” No shit. You made eye contact with him, idiot.

“Thanks,” was all Ten said, glancing at the floor.

A few seconds of painfully awkward silence passed.

“We were set up,” you both droned in unison.

That got a giggle out of the two of you. You always did share a single brain cell. That was what led you to believe you were soulmates.

Ten cleared his throat. “Uh, how have you been?”

“Like you care,” you said more harshly than intended.

Ten recoiled, eyes flickering. “I do care.”

It hurt to look him in the eyes. You wanted to believe that. You really did. You so desperately wanted to believe this was the same boy you grew up with and swore you would go through anything and everything together.

With a shrug, you said, “I couldn’t be happier. You?”

“Same as the last time you saw me.”

You shook your head. “Go figure.”

Ten meandered around you, having resigned himself to the fact that he wouldn’t be getting out of this easily, and took the barstool beside you. “I thought you hated the club,” he said.

You gave him a look. “Yeah, well, we were supposed to be having a girls night.”

Ten winced. “Did I interrupt your plans?”

“Definitely,” you drawled.

You turned your head, scanning the room for Lisa. To hell with her. She was the only one that knew at length what happened between you and Ten. And also the only one to hear both sides of the story, given that alongside you and Ten, the three of you were childhood friends.

Alas, you couldn’t spot her anywhere. When you found her, you were going to give her a very large piece of your mind.

Sighing, you stared Ten plain in the eye and said, “How long are we going to keep dancing around the problem?”

Ten shrugged. “That’s what we always did,” he replied, waving over the bartender.

“And look what happened,” you snicked.

Ten massaged his forehead. “What the fuck do you want me to do?”

“Tell me what’s going on! That’s all I ever wanted, Ten. I just wanted you to tell me what’s on your mind,” you cried out, eyes wetting with the threat of tears.

Ten got an overwhelming sense of deja vu when he looked you in your eyes. He was right back in that moment, traveling back in time to when he told you it was over. He would never forget the pain shimmering in them.

He regretted hurting you, but there was no way he could take it back. He was only doing what he thought was best for you at that moment. Nowadays, Ten was having second thoughts.

“You and I both know we were broken long before I broke up with you,” Ten persisted, digging in his heels. “If I stayed with you, I would only be delaying the inevitable.”

That hurt. It stung like hell, because it was the truth, but you would never admit it was already over. “Every relationship has trials and tribulations. We could have fought for us, Ten. That’s what we promised we’d do.”

Ten hissed, “How could we fight for what was already gone?”

“It wasn’t gone,” you snapped. “It was broken. We could have put it back together again.”

“Sorry to break it to you, babe, but we aren’t menders. We’re runners. We run from shit.”

You rolled your eyes. There he went again, deflecting onto others. As to be expected. “No, you’re a runner. You run from shit. Don’t try to put this all on me.”

Ten was heating up a thousand degrees all over. God damn you. You knew him too well. You were the only person in this whole world he couldn’t pull his bullshit on.

The bartender slid him his vodka and Ten thanked him, taking a brief interval to throw back liquor. “It doesn’t matter,” he said. “We were talking less. Spending time away from each other more. We had different goals.”

“And I unconditionally supported yours,” you reminded him in a clipped tone. “I still went to every show. I was always your cheerleader. And what did you do? You threw me away.”

Ten, not sparing you a glance, groaned, “Like I’ve already said, had I stayed with you, I would have only been delaying the inevitable.”

You shook your head. There was a pain in your chest you never knew until now. This boy wasn’t the Ten you’d fallen in love with. You couldn’t understand what you’d done for him to be such a bitch to you. Fame changed you.

When Ten stood, trying to walk off, you grabbed his wrist and barked, “What are you so scared of?”

Ten looked you up and down, sizing you up. There was so much emotion in those eyes of yours. He saw hurt and anger. But deep down inside, he saw the longing.

“I’m not scared of anything,” he insisted, lying through his perfect teeth.

“You can lie to anyone, Ten, but you can’t lie to me. I’m your best friend,” you said, fighting. It was all you knew how to do.

Ten was the opposite. He never wanted to fight. He was passive-aggressive as all hell.

Ten laughed, but there was no mirth in him when he retaliated, “You were my best friend. But not anymore.”

And with that, he snatched his wrist away and walked off.

You gaped in disbelief. You wanted to hate him with everything you had. Every day had been spent wondering what you had done wrong or if there was somebody better. This only solidified your suspicions.

Still, you gave chase, because you needed answers. No matter how much he was hurting you right now. You could never move on until you knew why he was treating you like shit after all you’d been through.

Outside the club, you were hot on his tail, calling out behind him, “I don’t understand this new you. Explain it to me. Why are you being such a jerk?”

“Fuck off,” Ten shouted back, holding his middle finger at you.

You persisted, because that's what you did. Persist. “No. You don’t get to walk away again. What the fuck have I done wrong?”

“Nothing. Absolutely nothing.”

You pressed, “Then why are you treating me like shit?”

“Because I’d rather you hate me than hurt for me!”

You both stopped dead in your tracks. Ten grinded to a halt, the words having left his mouth before he could put some sort of rein on them. You stared at him, open-mouthed.

As it turned out, there was a reason for all of this. You just needed to apply some pressure and beat it out of him.

“Well, well, well,” you lulled, clasping your hands together.

Ten cradled his face in his hands. Everything was coming to light. He blew out a sigh, crouching against a wall. You could see the tears at his lashes threatening to spill over.

He still loves me, you thought wistfully. Even now, you knew Ten better than anyone. You recognized that emotion gleaming in his pretty brown eyes.

“You’re being a dick to me…,” you said slowly, trying to make sense out of something that didn’t make sense. “Because you wanted me to hate you?”

Ten nodded. You couldn’t feel the shame in his chest. He hated himself for hurting you, and he wanted to make it stop. He felt like he was wasting your time.

“But why?”

Ten wiped at his eyes. “I thought it would help. I wanted you to move on. You were willing to hurt to be with me and I couldn’t ask you to do that to yourself.”

It was all starting to come together. When Ten was putting his body into overdrive while you slept in a cold bed, he knew you were hurting. He knew you were longing for the way things used to be when you spent every second of every day together.

Rather than let you hurt for his sake, he was willing to let you go so you could be happy.

“You didn’t have to. I told you I’d stick with you through whatever forever. No questions asked,” you explained, finally approaching him. You wanted to be there for him. You never wanted him to shut you out ever again.

There was a frown etched across Ten’s face. “That’s what I’m talking about, baby. I couldn’t let you do that. Why should I be selfish and keep your heart locked away when you deserve to be with somebody who can make you happy?”

You didn’t miss a beat. “You made me happy. I was content to call you mine.”

“You don’t deserve me. You deserve somebody that can be there for you whenever you need and not just whenever they’re available. Who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.”

“You didn’t love me?” you whispered.

Ten look borderline appalled to hear you even say that. He vehemently professed, “I loved you so much I let you go, and it was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.”

“Ten…” you called out.

Ten met your eyes. He whispered, “I can’t be them, baby.”

That downright infuriated you. Never for a second would you allow Ten to think he wasn’t worthy of you. “Baby, let me ask you this. Who stood up for you when those rugrats called you names?”

“You.” It didn’t require any hesitation. It slipped off his tongue automatically.

“And whose shoulder did you cry on when you needed a break from a family?”

Ten blew out a sigh. “Yours.”

“Exactly. I’ve always taken you as you are. The only thing I’ve ever expected out of you is to love me back just as hard in return,” you crooned, brushing some loose strands of hair out of his face.

Your touch disarmed him. Ten missed the feeling of your hands running through his hair.

“I never asked you to be anyone but yourself. You made up in your head this ridiculous standard that you expect yourself to comply with and punished me for it without ever asking me what I wanted.”

Ten frowned. That was true. For as long as he could remember, Ten had always set himself at a high standard (it didn’t help that there was an ungodly amount of expectations sitting squarely at his shoulders). It made him forget he didn’t need to be perfect with you.

His heart couldn’t take this, but it couldn’t take another second of being away from you. Even in a room full of people, cheering his name, Ten never felt more alone. But he could spot you in any crowd. It was your presence that made Ten feel whole.

Overcome by a shroud of melancholy, Ten looked you in your eyes and whispered, “So you don’t hate me? Not even a little?”

He needed to know. Maybe a minute ago, Ten was willing to let you hate him if it meant you would be free of the pain. Now, it would kill him to know you hated him.

You shrugged, but shook your head. “No. Maybe I wanted to. Maybe there was a part of me that really wanted to hate you for what you’ve done to us. But I searched my whole being and found nothing but love for you.”

Tears burned Ten’s eyes. She’s too forgiving for her own good, he thought.

The sight of Ten crying finally brought you to tears. He wreathed his arms around your back, pulling you towards his chest. It made no sense how much you missed his warmth.

It was giving you life all over again.

Then, your eyes wandered a bit too far, fixated on his plush lips. They were still to die for. You didn’t know what came over you, but you locked lips with him in that second, desperate for a taste like it could mend your broken heart or wake you from this godawful nightmare.

Ten kissed you back just as hard. He missed you. He missed the way your body molded into his. You were like his missing puzzle piece, the part of him he would always need. In a world without you, he was incomplete.

You gasped the moment Ten pulled you up and pushed you against the wall, lips becoming rougher. His hands went from kneading your cheek with his thumb to getting a hold of your hips, hoisting you up just long enough for you to lock your legs around his.

The two of you lost what little self-control you still had, kissing each other with utter abandon. It was reckless. But it was love.

Ten wasn’t just your best friend or your lover. He was a part of you.

You lost track of how long you spent kissing him there with only the moon and all her children privy to this liaison. It was the pressure that ultimately killed him. Me or this career, you thought.

He never realized he could have both. It would just take some fighting.

“Alright, that’s enough,” came a voice from behind you.

Ten reluctantly set you back down, both of you pivoting around to spot Lisa with her hands at her hips.

Lisa feigned annoyance, groaning, “I knew the two of you could work this shit out if you grew some balls and talked to each other.”

You lowered your head, bashful. Though Lisa had seen you and Ten make out many, many times.

Ten cleared his throat. Shit had never been this awkward. “You were right.”

“Of course, I was. I’ve never been wrong,” Lisa said, lips twitching as she fought like hell to resist a sly grin. “You need to act smarter, Ten. What are you doing out here, kissing girls in alleyways? You’re a superstar now.”

You droned, “You oughta pay her to be your manager.”

“Clearly she does it for free.”

Lisa shook her head, then stepped over, locking her arms with yours and whispering, “Sorry to cut this little tryst short, but I promised the girls I wouldn’t leave you alone for too long.”

“I wasn’t alone,” you said.

In the same moment, Ten was quick to say, “She wasn’t alone.”

“Yeah, but the girls don’t exactly trust Ten right now. And it’s gonna be a while before they get over it. Until then, your meetings are supervised when she’s under the influence,” Lisa explained, an apologetic look on her face.

You frowned. It wasn’t the tequila that made Ten look this damn fine.

Your eyes flitted to Ten’s face. Not only his temptingly kissable lips. “Promise you’ll call?”

“I promise,” Ten swore, a solemn glimmer in his eyes.

With that, Lisa led you back inside the thumping club.

That following morning, Ten did call and asked if he could come over. You, of course, said yes.

Then the doorbell rang. And you lost what little mind you still had.

Ten stood before you. His hair was somewhat messy, not perfectly combed like it had been the night before. And his clothes were casual, not some (presumably) uncomfortable costume. He looked completely raw. “Um, hi,” he greeted.

He swallowed sharply and your lips twitched with the desire to chuckle. You can perform in front of hundreds of people, but can’t look me in the eyes, baby?

“Hi, Ten,” you said, letting him inside. Your heart was crying his name, but you hid it well.

Ten came inside, hands tucked into his pockets. You shut the door behind him, leading him to the living room.

Having him sitting on your couch felt foreign. It was easier to believe when you were under the influence. You were used to seeing him on television, or social media. Now that he was here in person and you had a sound mind, you couldn’t fathom that he was here in the flesh.

Ten cut to the chase. “Last night, I realized I never apologized. So I came here to say that I’m sorry. I was trying not to hurt you, and I ended up causing both of us unnecessary pain.”

“Ten…,” you sighed.

“I’m not done,” he shushed you, “I said hurtful shit to you thinking it would make shit better, when I should have fought for us like you said. You remember what you always told me?”

“It’s not over until it’s over,” you both said in perfect harmony.

Ten’s lips broke into a smile. “Yeah. I cut us short. But after a restless night of tossing and turning in my bed, I realized I’ll never be satisfied without you.”

That piqued your interest. “You weren’t happy?”

“I was happy,” Ten said. He couldn’t lie to you. His rapidly growing career became a perfect form of self-expression. “But I was empty. There was a part of me missing that without it, I would never be whole.”

Those words broke you. You realized in that moment that you weren’t alone in the feeling. Having known Ten almost your entire life, you had difficulty adjusting to one without him. He was fused into you, a part of who you were. He was your loose thread. If it was pulled, the rest of you would completely unravel.

Ten crept closer and reached for your hand, cooing, “I’m ready to fix this, if it’s not too late. I can’t let anyone call you theirs if it’s not me. Every piece of me belongs to you.”

“And every piece of me belongs to you,” you said back, breath picking up in pace the closer he got you.

Your ex leaned into you, nibbling at your earlobe the way he knew you liked, and whispered, “Do you forgive me?”

“Yes. Will you shut up and kiss me?”

“Gladly,” Ten chirped.

Ten’s lips were on yours in an instant, staking his claim to your throbbing pulse. You were owned by him. Your body would never not surrender to his touch, because it knew as good as your brain did that you needed him.

He needed you too. That manifested itself in his greedy kisses, sure to swallow you whole if he could. Your breath caught in your throat when he pushed your back against the couch, climbing over you. Ten lowered his head to your neck, tucking his teeth into the flesh, and let out a dangerously sexy noise at your soft moans.

It felt like he was teasing you. None of it was fair. Ten knew exactly how to disarm you, because he knew you better than anyone. You were so weak.

Desire made the room too hot to breathe inside, and you could inhale Ten and exhale him out. Your every breath was for him. Every beat of your heart was for him. You couldn’t live without him. It would kill you to stay away for another second.

Your hands flew to his shirt, tossing it into oblivion, and Ten separated from you just long enough for you to strip him down. Everything was a blur. You were both down to your underwear in moments, overcome by the same greed. The kind that only existed between a pair of two heartsick lovers.

“Ten,” you whimpered.

He cocked you a glance. “You want this?”

You nodded.

Ten smacked your thigh, prompting you to cry out in surprise and your thighs to tense with a mixture of pain and pleasure, and sang, “I need to hear you say it, baby.”

“I want you, Ten,” you told him, voice tangled somewhere in your heaving chest. “Fuck me. Touch me. Do whatever you want with me. Just do something.”

That was all Ten needed to hear, smirking to himself. He still knew your body better than anyone you had ever spread your legs for.

Needless to say, other than him, there weren't many.

Ten slipped your panties past your ankles, leaving you completely bare, and let two fingers inside you. You made a sound, your cunt accepting them with hunger. Ten swore to himself. You always got so wet for him.

His other hand ventured your body, giving your breasts a nice squeeze before ultimately rising to swipe his thumb over your cheek. He thought you were the most beautiful thing in the world.

Finally the lack of self-restraint got to him and spurred by your delicate sounds of want, Ten withdrew his fingers in favor of filling you with his dick. You shuddered when the head teased your entrance, tensing with need.

Ten was still reluctant. First and foremost, he needed to be certain this was what you wanted. “Are you sure about this?”

You threw your head back, groaning, “Oh my god, Ten, I’m going to kill you if you don’t fuck me.”

That got a chuckle of Ten. With nothing more needed to be said, he penetrated you, slowly but surely filling you with his size. You sucked in a large breath, getting a hold of his biceps like you would stubble into oblivion without him there to hold.

You threw your head back again, though not out of exasperation, but pleasure.

It brought tears to your eyes how perfectly Ten felt inside you, as if only he was meant to bask in your warmth. You were made for each other. You would stand by that until the day you died in each other’s arms.

Ten gripped your hips tightly, hissing at how you sucked him in. He remembered you being tight as all hell, but it disarmed him as brutally as it did the first time.

“Shit,” Ten groaned, ruined by all-consuming pleasure. “I swear, you get more beautiful every time.”

I’m so weak for him. You had no wall to put around Ten. No resistance. He saw every side of you there was to see.

“Don’t stop. Please, don’t fucking stop,” you begged.

Ten was quick to retort, “Where in the hell did you get that crazy ass idea from?”

You laughed. Even after all that was going on, he still could make you laugh like it was nothing. Your head was in the clouds, but your body had never been more alive.

There was a wet smack when your hips met, his cock driving into your pussy. He could make an absolute fool out of you if he wanted. Ten kept a hand at your breast, toying with the nipple, and listening to the euphonies of your soft moans as you cried out his name.

He couldn’t shake the countless memories of you in his bed, muscles taut and your thighs tense as you shook from orgasm, unsure if your body needed more or if it wanted to get away from him. Ten licked his lips. You had always been so sensitive.

Every thought in your brain revolved around Ten and how much you loved him. No man had ever made you feel like this – in and outside of sex. And no other man ever would. Even your body knew you belonged to Ten.

It reminded you of those days in college, fucking in every available inch of his apartment when his roommate wasn’t home. You were so reckless back then; dangerously in love.

Having sex with other people felt strictly forbidden when it came to Ten. First of all, nobody knew your body like the back of their hand except for him. He knew what you liked and what could make you scream.

It had been like that for half your lives. When you were in high school, you hooked up once, and never let anyone near you since. Every day together – from the first to the last – Ten never failed to stake his claim to you. He would walk in public with his arm wreathed protectively below your ribs, so everyone knew you were his.

Dared anyone make a move on you, which happened seldom, Ten would give them a clear measure to never do as little as look in your general direction ever again.

Back then, they weren’t always verbal messages.

Ten took one look at the ecstasy you wore on your face and knew he needed to finish you before you could finish him. You looked gorgeous as ever, lips part as you cried out for him.

They parted further when he got a hold of your neck, pressing his fingers to the side. You gaped, staring at him open-mouthed. It was no secret you liked it when Ten denied you exhale.

Every breath was quite literally dependent on him.

“You’re going to come for me,” Ten said in a sexy, husky voice, “And I’m going to keep fucking you until you do.”

You might as well have handed your heart to him on a silver platter. Only love could feel this goddamn good.

Ten never slackened his grip, fingers wrapped around your throat, but his dark eyes pierced into your soul and read your thoughts. You wondered if he could feel the pulse drumming at your neck, just beneath his fingertips.

The intense eye contact was enough to wear down the last of your self-restraint and you broke it, eyes rolling to meet the back of your skull. Your lips parted, but no sound came. Your nails ran down his back, drawing long red lines into the surface of his spine.

Ten hissed, but you knew he liked the pain. He liked to feel remnants of you when you weren’t there, to see what you did to him. How you broke him down, piece by fucking piece.

The moan that escaped Ten when he came merely moments after you was sickly sweet, and he finally let go of your throat in favor of crushing your hips with his bare hands. You whimpered, milking him for all he was worth.

You always did love it raw.

Ten collapsed on the couch with you, sated. The two of you sat there as you heaved, trying to breathe through the smoke.

Only moments later, Ten broke the silence, “I came inside you.”

You snorted, caught off guard. That was the last damn thing you expected him to say. You threw him a look. “You weren’t worried before you fucked me raw?”

“Slipped my mind. I wasn’t thinking straight.”

You shook your head, lips curling into a smile. “Don’t beat yourself up about it. I’ve still got that IUD, remember?”

“Yeah, but…,” Ten started, having no idea where he was going. “I don’t know.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re having a post-nut clarity,” you groaned, leaning into a pillow.

Ten chuckled. “I just want to make sure this is what you want.”

“There you go making up what I want again.”

Not a second later, Ten reached for your hand. “No, I’m asking you what you want now. So tell me,” he whispered, something fragile in his eyes.

“I forgive you. I want you to forgive yourself,” you said, smoothing your hand over his chest.

Ten smiled. “I can do that.”

“Good,” you said and pressed a kiss to his mouth. “We’ll figure this out. That’s what we always do. Just don’t push me away.”

Ten rested his head on your chest. He whispered, “I won’t.”

You wrapped an arm around his back, beaming brightly. It reminded you of old times. The days you thought were over and so desperately wanted back.

Then, another thought hit you. You groaned, “I know one thing, though. Lisa absolutely cannot know about this.”

Ten laughed, eyes crinkling. The sight did a number on your heart. My superstar.

#m: ten #u: wayv #g: angst #g: smut #au: exes to lovers #au: exes #t: oneshot #wc: 5k-10k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

Text

araw-araw — l.mk

description. in which mark was sure that what he felt for you was certainty. | inspired by araw-araw - ben&ben

pairings. lee mark x female reader

genre. fluff, established relationship, college/university!au

warnings. none

word count. 2k

notes. a lot of inspiration for this fic actually! there’s this post, then this edit and me missing live shows and concerts pre-pandemic. this one’s for the filos out there, i hope we get our nct x filo artist collab someday too!

Keep reading

#m: mark #u: dream #u: 127 #g: fluff #au: college/university #au: established relationship #t: oneshot #wc: 1k-5k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

Text

spin the bottle

part of @rrxnjun 's "the crush chronicles" collab

PAIRING: childhood friend!donghyuck x female!reader (side pairing: friend!yangyang x friend!karina)

GENRE: college au, childhood friends to lovers, fluff, slightly angsty, coming-of-age, mc and hyuck grow apart and then become friends (or lovers!!) again, best friend!yangyang, best friend!karina, xiaojun and giselle are mentioned a couple times

WARNINGS: mentions of food, explicit language, alcohol consumption, mentions and use of drugs, smoking, vomiting, use of pet names (barely lol), probably a bit too fluffy at the end, the side couple is lowkey more interesting than the main couple (oops), super cliché plot line, not proofread (please let me know if i missed anything)

WC: 21,2 k (oops lol)

‣[PLAYLIST]: amusement park by baekhyun, can i call you tonight? by dayglow, on the way by nct dream, fallingforyou by the 1975

SUMMARY: you knew you loved lee donghyuck ever since you met him, when the two of you were little kids. you had become best friends and were practically inseparable. until one day, donghyuck had to leave town and he also had to leave you. however, your feelings for him only grew stronger and stronger and you knew you had to confess to him when you met him again in college. but all this time, you kept suppressing them and you were always left wondering one thing; if he ever loved you back.

A/N: wow i can't believe it's finally here!! i've spent months working on this fic and i can say i'm very proud for actually finishing it. thank you everyone for being excited for it and especially thanks to @rrxnjun and the collab call for giving me the basis for developing this idea <3 enjoy reading this fic and don't forget to give me feedback, it helps me a lot<33

read on wattpad / ao3

You were five years old when you first fell in love. Or at least you thought you did. You could never know what falling in love meant at such a young age. But that’s how you want to describe it. Because your feelings for him could not be compared to how you felt about other boys. He could not be compared to other boys. That’s why you fell in love with him. But he didn’t fall in love with you. Or if he did, he never showed it.

Loud cheerful screams were the sound echoing in your ears, mixed with the soothing dreamy music coming from the merry-go-round ahead of you. The gate in front of you seemed ginormous in comparison to your small body. Rainbow fairy lights were climbing up the sides of the gate, confetti glued in between each one of them. White balloons were tied to the top and bottom corners of the pillars, leading up to the bright red and gold sign at the top which read ‘Welcome to Dreamland’.

Your eyes were roaming around the place, looking up to the sky and then left and right to the amusement park your mum took you. Soft awes and chuckles left your lips every time you spotted something new. Everything seemed magical in your eyes, the music and the colors transporting your little brain to different dimensions; this was indeed dreamland.

You stopped in front of the merry-go-round and inspected it. The blue, gold and white horses were moving up and down to the rhythm of the music, kids were riding them with cheerful smiles on their faces. You wanted to go there too. You looked at your mother to ask her to get on the merry-go-round. You opened your mouth when-

“Y/n! Y/n!” a cheery voice was calling your name. You stopped to look towards the direction of the sound, only to spot your best friend. “Yangyang!”

You let go of your mother’s hand and sprinted towards him, capturing him into a tight hug. “Wanna go to the horses?” you asked him eagerly.

“Yes! Let’s go” he agreed and your mothers helped you get on the merry-go-round. After all, it was your favorite.

You and Yangyang went on almost every ride of the amusement park. You loved bumper cars, you went on the ferris wheel with your mothers and went on almost twenty rounds on the kids’ roller coaster. You even tried to catch a teddy bear at the claw machines, but you couldn’t get the chance to do so.

After hours of trying all of the amusement park rides, your little stomach started growling and the smell of food everywhere around you only triggered your hunger more. You passed by the food canteens, smelling and taking in all the delicious scents. "What should I choose?" you thought. Just then, you spotted a stand with something strange looking; it was multi-colored fluff on sticks. Cotton candy. You had never seen it before, so you had to try it.

“Mum! I want to try this! It looks like clouds! I want the pink one!”

Your mum agreed and bought you and Yangyang one stick of cotton candy each, while his mum bought you drinks.

You went over to the tables to sit and eat your cotton candy. You sat down on a chair and took a bite. You didn’t know what to expect, but the sugary flavor definitely met those expectations.

“Wow, it tastes so pink! And it feels like the clouds! It's so fluffy!” your mother laughed at your excitement and agreed.

Yangyang was eating his cotton candy too, but he suddenly grabbed your hand and dragged you down the chair. “Let’s go for a walk. Mum, can we go for a walk?” he turned to ask his mother.

His mum shrugged. “Okay, but not too far from here, I want to see you” she said and we left, grinning.

Obviously, you didn’t listen to her. You liked the freedom you had at that moment, so you went strolling through the entire amusement park.

You and Yangyang were holding each other’s hand so that neither of you run away and got lost. Your other hands were holding the cotton candy. You felt so small among the other people and the huge amusement park rides, but you liked it. You felt at ease.

Yangyang let go of your hand and started skipped in front of you. “In the count of three I’ll start running and you will chase after me to catch me!” he said leaving you still.

“No! Yangyang, I can’t run fast!”

Yangyang didn’t listen to you. He smirked instead and started counting. “One, Two. Three!”

“Wait!” you yelled, but he had already run away.

You sighed and started running through the crowd too. You could still spot him in between other people, but you couldn’t run that fast and stumbled when taking longer steps.

Yangyang stopped and turned back to look at you. He smiled and yelled. “Come on, you’re almost there!” and resumed running.

You were breathing heavily, your feet were feeling sore, and you couldn’t move with ease through the crowd. You took a deep breath and gathered all your energy to run as fast as you could. Your only focus was to catch your friend Yangyang, who was now walking backwards looking at you with a smug expression. You had blocked out your surroundings entirely and didn’t notice that another boy was running too. And he was running towards your direction.

Yangyang was now standing, waiting for you to catch him. “I got you!” you shouted before you let out a scream and fell on the ground. The other boy was running fast too, which ended in him bumping into you. Both of you and the other boy fell down on your butts, the cotton candy you were holding was now smashed and dropped on the ground too.

“No! My fluff!” you frowned, tears already forming in the corners of your eyes.

Yangyang was shocked to see you fall. He came over to you to help you get up, smoothening your dress. “Are you okay Y/n? I’m sorry, I didn’t want to get you hurt” he was the one that sounded more hurt.

“It’s okay Yangyang” you reassured him. “But my fluff fell too! I wanted to eat it!” you whined.

Yangyang hugged you. “Don’t worry, we’ll buy a new one."

The other boy steadily stood up by himself. “I’m sorry, I was running too. I didn’t see you.” The boy said, his head lowered.

Neither you or Yangyang responded, so he lifted his head slowly to look at you. “I can buy you cotton candy if you’d like. Sorry” he apologized again.

But you couldn’t speak now either. He looked at you with sorrow eyes, plump lips forming a pout. You took a moment to really look at him. His skin was darker than yours, he was slightly taller than you, his bowl-cut covered his eyebrows, moles on his cheek and neck.

You didn’t know why, but you felt your stomach clench. You cleared your throat and spoke. “Don’t be sorry, I was running too.”

The boy nodded. “My name is Donghyuck. What’s yours?” he asked.

“I’m Y/n and this is my friend Yangyang” you pointed at your friend beside you and he flashed a bright smile to the other boy, Donghyuck.

Donghyuck smiled too and you felt your stomach clench again. “Do you guys want to be friends?” he asked and both you and Yangyang nodded. “Yes let’s be friends! Do you wanna go ride the bumper cars?” Yangyang said and grabbed both yours and Donghyuck's hands.

That’s the first memory you had of him. The first time you saw him, and the first time you've ever felt this weird clenching feeling in your stomach. This was a memory you would always cherish and always remember dearly. But you weren't really sure if he held this memory as close to his heart as you did.

Beep. Pause. Beep

Why isn’t he picking up the phone? You had called Yangyang three times already. Where is he?

You put your phone in your pocket and grabbed the books you needed for your next class from your locker. As you locked it, an arm linked with yours and dragged you to the corridor.

“Are you ready for this new semester? I heard new students transferred to our department, they might be hot” your best friend Jimin was smirking, wiggling her eyebrows.

“Yeah they might be, but I have a class now and Yangyang isn’t here, I can’t cover up for him on the first day!” you complained.

“Oh come on Y/n, you know how he is. He probably slept in, he’ll be here, don’t worry” she said and you nodded.

You were walking towards your class, greeting a few of your old colleagues on the way. It was your third year of college already, but it still felt like your first day.

You and Jimin parted ways and went to your respective classes. You agreed to meet up later for coffee and lunch, after classes ended.

The amphitheater was almost full; you managed to spot an empty seat at the back of the room and hurried to sit there before someone else took that seat.

You sat down and placed the books on top of the desk. You checked your phone again and saw that Yangyang had now texted you.

[Yangles]

slept in. don’t save me a seat

ttyl :)

Typical Yangyang. You sighed and put your phone aside as the lecture was about to start.

For the next two hours, you couldn’t concentrate on the lecture because of the group of friends chatting behind you. If you were honest, their conversation was a lot more interesting than the lecture.

The girls behind you kept talking about the new students at the computer engineering department. You heard comments such as “oh he is so hot” and “they looked at me and winked”. Oh Jimin is gonna love the tea.

The lecture finally ended and you headed towards the coffee shop in which Jimin asked you to meet her. You sent her a text to let her know you’re on your way. As you were typing the text, suddenly an arm slung around your shoulder. So you let out a loud-ass scream.

“Guess who’s here!” Yangyang exclaimed, a wide grin plastered across his face, eyes bright, his loud voice a bit too close to your ear. If you ever become deaf, it’s all his fault.

“Oh good morning to you too Yangyang, I’m fine thanks and you?” you said ironically and he rolled his eyes at your comment.

“Cut the ironies bestie, I met Donghyuck earlier” he said and your feet froze and stayed glued right where you were standing.

But you haven’t seen him in years. He moved out of town when you were fifteen, right before high school, because his parents found a better job. He had promised both you and Yangyang that he would call and maybe even visit you whenever he could. And he kept his promise for a while, but after things got tougher with school, his phone calls and occasional visits stopped.

Your stomach clenched. You gulped and removed Yangyang’s arm from your shoulder. “what do you mean Donghyuck is here?”

“I mean that Donghyuck is here” he said, rolling his eyes again, but his tone was serious. “He transferred to the computer engineering department. I came across him on campus and met his friends too. Real cool guys. He asked me about you too.”

“He did?” you regret speaking, because you didn’t expect your voice to come out that shaky.

“Um yeah, why wouldn’t he? He wants us to meet and hang out, just like the good old days. Are you free now?”

“No, I’m actually meeting Jimin for coffee now. I was texting her before you scared the shit out of me” you said.

Yangyang laughed. “Okay, I’ll see you later then. I’ll tell Hyuck you said hi” he squeezed your cheek and left.

But you were still standing frozen, trying to comprehend what Yangyang just told you. Donghyuck is back. He is back and you couldn’t wait to see him again. So he does remember you. There must be a reason why he didn’t contact you all these years. People’s lives change, right? Does he still look as pretty as he did back then? Does he still care about you as he did back then? All these questions started forming one after the other in your head, but you couldn’t distract yourself from the clenching feeling in your stomach. In fact, these exact questions were to blame for causing you this feeling.

You were ten years old when you fell in love again. Not that you ever fell out of love. But at least now you were sure about your feelings. It wasn’t something you had made up; it was rather a confirmation that you had loved him ever since the day you saw him.

You had went to the park with Yangyang and Donghyuck. The three of you decided to do sports in the park; Yangyang took his skateboard with him and Yangyang took his bike. You, however, didn’t take anything with you; you didn’t know how to skate and you certainly didn’t know how to ride a bike. You just wanted to tag along because you had fun spending time with your friends.

But Donghyuck had offered to help you learn how to ride a bike. Yangyang bursted out laughing so hard when Donghyuck said that. “I tried to teach her how to skate once and let me tell you, I wouldn’t even think about teaching her how to ride a bike” Yangyang said.

Yangyang always found his way to make fun of you. He didn’t do it in order to be mean; it was anything but that. He liked teasing you because you would get annoyed and then he would apologize because he felt bad. “I didn’t mean it Y/n” he would say. “I know” you always responded.

But that day Donghyuck was present in this conversation. What you didn’t expect was for him to stand up for you. “Well, in her defense Yangyang” he started “skating is too hard. It needs patience both by the skater and the student. The bike is a bit easier to handle. I think Y/n can do it”.

Every time Donghyuck spoke about you, your stomach clenched. You didn’t know what it was about him that made you feel this way. Was it his eyes? His smile? His honey skin? His soft voice? His kindness and humor? The way he treated you? You didn’t know.

Yangyang agreed with Donghyuck. “You’re right, I didn’t mean what I said. Just so you know. I think you can do this Y/n” he said, his smile fading.

“Don’t apologize Yangles, I know you didn’t mean it” you said and his signature grin appeared on his face again.

You eventually learned how to ride a bike. Donghyuck helped you every time; he taught you how to keep your balance, held you every time you were about to fall and did it every day until you were finally able to do it on your own.

One day he asked you to go to the park to ride your bikes together. Yangyang said he couldn’t come because he felt sick. So it was just you and Donghyuck.

You always felt such comfort with him. He reminded you of a warm summer day in nature. His pure gaze felt like the sun rays hitting your skin, his plump lips seemed to be as soft as the cotton fields, his laugh livelier than the chirping birds. He was comfort himself.

That day the two of you went biking, you couldn’t help but smile at the way you felt. You felt free, independent, powerful. The world surrounding you was in a haze, the only sight you could see was him, the only sound you could hear was his voice.

But sometimes it felt nice not hearing his voice. It meant that he was at peace, and you were too. You had left your bikes standing against a tree and the two of you sat down on the grassy ground to just stare at the sunset. You both loved the sunset.

Donghyuck’s arm was resting on your lower back, his head leaning towards yours, which was resting on his shoulder. Sometimes, when you sat in a position like this, you would try to match your breathing with his. If you were to be honest, you would admit that it was quite hard.

Donghyuck’s gaze was set on the colorful sea of clouds ahead of him, You did the same. He didn’t turn to look at you when he spoke up. “You know, Y/n, at moments like this, I realise how much I enjoy spending time with you. You are truly the best friend I could ever have. I would never leave you, okay?”

The words he uttered at this exact moment confirmed that you sure loved him. More than just a friend. But you could never open up to him about this. He could never know. Not when he wasn’t feeling the same. Not when he didn’t keep his promise.

Jimin was sitting at a coffee table near the window, sipping from a white plastic cup while texting on her phone. You skipped towards her and sat down on the chair opposite from hers. “Donghyuck is here”.

She put down both her cup and her phone and looked at you with furrowed eyebrows. “What? Don’t tell me he’s one of the transfer students” she said.

“Well, apparently he is” you said. “Yangyang told me. They’ve already met. Plus, he asked about me”.

Jimin’s bottom lip dropped down to her jaw. “What?” she said again. “Okay, when are we meeting him? I need to have a word with him”.

You laughed at her reaction. “Stop it Jimin, I’m over him now. It’s been years since I had a crush on him.” you said.

“I don’t believe you. You can’t trick me with that. I won’t fall for it.” she said, her tone serious. “I know you dated and all, but you always compared everyone to Donghyuck. You expect me to believe that you moved on?”

You rolled your eyes and sighed. “Whatever” you said.

The two of you paused for a moment before Jimin spoke up. “Do you think he got even hotter?”

You laughed at her comment and playfully slapped her forearm. “Stop it Jimin!”. She was now laughing too. “I don’t know, okay? He might be.” you said.

“Do you want to see him?” Jimin asked you and your eyes shifted down to your lap.

You seriously didn’t know. A part of you wanted to see him, talk to him, hug him and feel him again, ask him about his life and interests, spend time with him. But a part of you was scared; scared that if you saw him, you would fall in love with him again.

“My guess is that you do. Come on, I missed him a bit too” Jimin said and you chuckled. “Now, how about we get you some coffee and you tell me about your day, hm?” Jimin asked and you nodded in agreement.

The next day Yangyang insisted on picking you up from your dorm and driving you to your classes. He felt bad he missed the first day of the semester so he decided to make up for standing you up by driving you to class. You grabbed your phone to text him and let him know that you were ready but he beat you to it. He was already parked outside the dorm complex waiting for you in his car.

You opened the door from the passenger’s side and got inside the car. “Hey” you greeted him and he did the same, flashing you his signature wide grin.

“Don’t make plans for later. We’re going out tonight. You, me and Donghyuck” he said after he turned on the engine.

The mention of this specific name took you aback. You muttered a small “okay” and you hoped he heard you the first time so you wouldn’t have to repeat it. “Should I tell Jimin to tag along? She said she would like to hang out all together too” you asked.

Yangyang shrugged. “Yeah sure, I haven’t seen her in a while. Hyuck would love to see her too” he said.

You thanked him for agreeing to invite Jimin and smiled at him. But you couldn’t ignore the clenching feeling that appeared again in your stomach.

Your thoughts carried you away and you didn’t realize you had already arrived at campus. Yangyang parked the car and both of you exited it. You exchanged a short conversation of “see you later” and “text me for any news” and went to your respective classes.

The day went by in a flash. It was already afternoon and you were in your dorm with Jimin, your closet wide open, clothes scattered all over the bed.

You let out a frustrated sigh. “I officially don’t have any clothes” you whined.

“No, you do,” Jimin said, “you’re just nervous. And I don’t even know the reason why, I thought you were over Donghyuck, right?”

“Jimin please, you’re making this even harder!” you whined again.

Jimin got up from the chair and stood in front of your closet. She searched through the racks and the drawers for a while until she stopped and put an outfit on your bed. “Here,” she said, “get dressed. And do it quickly. We’re gonna be late”.

You complied and took the clothes to get dressed. It’s just a meet up with old friends. Nothing to be stressed about. You didn’t have a crush on Donghyuck anymore either. You were probably nervous, or rather excited, because you hadn’t seen him in a long time. Yeah, that’s probably why.

You were supposed to meet Yangyang and Donghyuck at the local diner. Yangyang promised to be there earlier so that you and Jimin wouldn’t have to be the ones to wait for them. You weren’t sure whether you should believe him or not; every time he promises to be early, there’s only gonna appear something on his way to make him late.

Jimin offered to drive the two of you to the diner that you were supposed to meet your friends at. You’ve been to this diner before, you’re going out with your best friends, just a normal night out. But why is your heart beating so hard? Why does it feel like it’s about to rip your chest apart and fly out of your body?

Jimin parked the car in the diner’s parking lot. You spotted Yangyang’s car in the parking lot too, two figures standing beside it. It must be them. It must be him.

“Hello? Are you listening to me?” Jimin waved her hand in front of your face and you quickly snapped out of your thoughts. “I see them, let’s go” she said and exited the car.

You imitate her movements and get out of the car too. Jimin noticed your uneasiness, so she linked her arm with yours and walked with you towards the boys.

Yangyang and Donghyuck seemed to have a conversation about something and didn’t realize you were right there, standing in front of them. “We’re here” Jimin spoke up and the two boys turned their bodies to look at us.

Your gaze immediately fell on the boy that made your heart beat and break at the same time. Black leather jacket hanging from his shoulders, black skinny jeans and boots covering his long legs, comma-styled black hair exposing his forehead. You locked eyes with him, his chocolate ones piercing through yours, plump lips sliding upwards to a wide smile. You swear you saw sparkles in his eyes for a second. Only your heart knew the answer.

“Y/n” Donghyuck breathed out and you returned his smile, before you threw yourself on him and embraced him tightly.

He started laughing. “I missed you so much” he said in your ear and you were thankful he wasn’t able to see your face because your cheeks were almost on fire. “Cute, but I wish I could say the same bitch-ass” you laughed too.

“Oh shut up, you haven’t seen me in years and this is the treatment I get?”.Of course he clapped back. Typical Donghyuck. And right there and then, it felt as if not a single day had passed.

You hugged him tightly. You forgot how comfortable he felt. He had rested his chin in the crook of your neck and you stood on the tips of your toes to do the same. He had definitely grown a bit taller since the last time you saw him. You took a moment to remember his scent, to feel his touch, to hear his voice. And then the clenching feeling was there again.

Yangyang cleared his throat. “Um, we’re here too, you know” he trailed off. You and Donghyuck broke the hug and Donghyuck motioned Yangyang and Jimin to join you in a group hug. Your cheekbones hurt because you were smiling so hard. Your heart fluttered. You were happy.

Yangyang was the first one to break off the hug because he started whining and said he was hungry, so he went inside the diner and invited us in. Donghyuck followed shortly after him, leaving you and Jimin behind. Jimin turned at you and mouthed “girl he’s so hot” and went inside the diner. Typical Jimin, you thought.

Time seemed to have stopped and felt like you were trapped in a loop. Spending time with your favorite people, laughing, talking, reminiscing about the past while making plans for the future. You only stopped the conversations when you had to take a bite from your food or take a sip from your drink. Yangyang didn’t seem to be bothered by that though.

“So,” Donghyuck started and you shifted your gaze to your drink “are you still dating that guy Y/n?”

Oh he was talking to you. You looked up at him, confused. “Who? Dejun? Well, no, we broke up, like, so long ago” you said.

“Yeah he yeeted his way out to be a model in China or something, honestly who even cares? I almost forgot about him” Yangyang said after he emptied his glass of beer.

Donghyuck chuckled at Yangyang’s remark and went back to eating his food. Jimin kicked you under the table and when you looked at her side, she was smirking.

“Well Yangyang, how about you tell us about your relationship, hm?” you asked him and he choked on his food. He started coughing and Donghyuck patted him on his back to help him breathe.

“Let's not talk about it bestie, okay? I know I fucked up” he said after he caught his breath.

“Why what happened? Donghyuck asked, intrigued.

Jimin was the one who spoke this time. “He's supposed to be dating this girl but he never texts her, calls her or takes her out. Basically he never wants to spend time with her. I seriously don’t know why she hasn’t broken up with him yet”.

Yangyang lowered his eyes. “It’s not like I don’t wanna see her,” he muttered, “but I may or may not have lost feelings and I kinda don’t know how to tell her”.

“Maybe if you weren’t such a coward you would confront her and stop playing with her. It’s that easy you know. Whether you love or don’t love someone anymore, you should tell them before it’s too late” you told him.

“Sounds brave coming from you, Y/n” his response caught you off guard. You threw a piercing glare at him and before you opened your mouth to speak, Jimin spoke over you. “Maybe we should change the topic, what do you think?” she said.

You and Yangyang exchanged a look and focused your attention on your food. Donghyuck chuckled at the interaction between you and your best friend, but he didn’t say anything.

The rest of the night went on smoothly and you soon forgot about the tension between you and Yangyang from earlier. He was right though. You should consider your own advice sometimes. Why can’t you tell Donghyuck you like him? Why didn’t you tell him when you had the chance to do so? Your feelings for him began to resurface and it was just the first time you saw him after years. You couldn’t let yourself make the same mistake again.

The entire night you and Donghyuck kept throwing hidden glances at each other. You caught him staring at you multiple times and if you were honest with yourself, you did stare at him too. You couldn’t ignore the fact that he looked beautiful. He had always been beautiful.

Your mind, however, was focused on something else, something you wanted to have an answer to. Why did he stop reaching out for you when he left? You needed to know the reason why. He must have had a reason. You tried to push this thought aside and allowed yourself to have a good time. I’ll ask him another time, you thought.

You were fifteen years old when you had your first kiss. And it was none other than Lee Donghyuck himself who stole it from you. Part of you believed that the reason you were so attached to him even now was because of that day; he gave you your first kiss. But a part of you knew that the kiss was the incident that tied everything together.

Donghyuck announced one day that the company his parents worked in was moving their main offices to a different town, so they had to move away from this place. The same day, you announced to your friend Jimin that you had your first heartbreak. Of course you were going to miss him. A lot. Yangyang was sad too that day. Jimin didn’t know him well enough, but she still felt sad when Donghyuck told you all.

The day before Donghyuck and his family would move away, Yangyang had an idea; to throw a goodbye party for Donghyuck. Donghyuck disagreed and said that a normal hangout with all of us would be just fine, but Yangyang insisted on throwing a party at his place. It will still be just the four of us but a little bit fancier, he had said.

So eventually everyone agreed. The previous day, you and Yangyang went to the shops to buy snacks and some decorations. You were walking around the convenience store aisles when Yangyang finally admitted to his ulterior motives.

“So, Y/n, here’s what we’re gonna do. For the party. I think we should play games but in a more adult way, if you know what I mean” he smirked and wiggled his eyebrows.

You looked at him confused and urged him to continue. “So we’ll play spin the bottle. And before you protest, no we’re not gonna drink anything with alcohol in it because we’re gonna get caught, but it’s gonna be a good excuse for me to kiss Jimin and for you to kiss Donghyuck”.

You stopped walking with a bag of chips in your hands and turned to him. “Are you out of your mind? This cannot happen, ever!” you whisper-shouted at him.

“Oh come on Y/n, don’t be such a party pooper. We both win in the end so what’s the matter?” he whined.

You thought for a few seconds. “They might be uncomfortable and turn down your offer. We want to have fun, remember? Plus, I don’t think Jimin likes you back and Donghyuck certainly doesn’t like me back either” you said and put that bag of chips you were holding into the shopping cart.

“Okay, Jimin might not like me back but I am completely, utterly, absolutely sure that Hyuck likes you” Yangyang said but you ignored him.

As if the odds were against you that day, Jimin and Donghyuck agreed on Yangyang’s suggestion. Jimin wasn’t that fond of the idea of playing spin the bottle at first, but eventually the boys convinced her and she said yes. You had no other choice but to agree too.

You wanted to kiss Donghyuck. You really did. But not in a forced scenario and definitely not in front of Yangyang. You wouldn’t bear his annoying ass teasing you about it for the rest of your life. But this could be my chance to finally confess to him, you thought. But even if you did, nothing would change. He would still leave town the next morning.

Yangyang grabbed the glass of cola you emptied earlier and put it on the ground. You gathered up sitting on the ground too. You looked at Jimin and she smiled at you. “Don’t think about it too much Y/n, it’s just a game”. It wasn’t just a game to you.

Yangyang was the first one to spin the bottle. The empty cola bottle spun for a few seconds, four sets of eyes staring at it with laser rays coming out of them. The bottle started gradually spinning less quickly, until it took three, two, one seconds before it stopped and became still; the top part of the bottle was pointing at Jimin and the bottom part was at Yangyang’s side. “Oh my god Jimin has to kiss you bro” Donghyuck said, smiling.

“This game is bullshit, I don’t wanna do it” Jimin said and crossed her arms. Jimin’s words made Yangyang’s lips drop down to a frown.

“Come on Jimin, it’s just a game, you said it yourself” Donghyuck said. Jimin sighed and leaned towards Yangyang. “Fine, come here then you bitch” she said before she grabbed Yangyan’s jaw and kissed him on the lips. You and Donghyuck stayed still, watching them. Jimin only went in to peck Yangyang, but he went all the way in and kissed her properly. Jimin was quick to react and pulled away from him.. “Ew, don’t do that! We agreed on just a kiss not a full on makeout session. Jeez Yangyang” she said and sat back down at her side.

Yangyang tried to hide the sulk on his face. “I tried to taste your chapstick more, you bitch, but it turns out it tastes awful. What the fuck is this taste?” Yangyang said and wiped his lips with the back of his hand.

“It's vanilla” Jimin said. Yangyang loved vanilla.

The game continued for a couple of rounds and every single time, as if it was its fate, the bottle landed on Jimin and Yangyang. Jimin had already had enough with kissing Yangyang just once, so she suggested that they avoid the kissing part and just hug instead. This went on and on and on until the bottle spun again, going round and round and round until it stopped in three, two, one. But this time, the bottle’s ends were pointing towards two different directions. The bottom part on you, the top part on Donghyuck.

You gulped and looked at him. He seemed calm, relaxed. For him, it was just a game. Sitting there at that moment, looking right into his deep brown eyes, you regretted agreeing to play this game. And you made a mental note to slap Yangyang after all of this was over.

“Now this is getting interesting” Yangyang whispered just loud enough for you to hear him and went over to Jimin's side to sit beside her and watch.

Donghyuck licked his lips and leaned over towards you. You hoped he wouldn't be able to listen to the drumming sounds of your heart or see the embarrassingly vibrant red color on your cheeks. You just went along with it. It’s just a game, right?

Donghyuck was standing a bit too close to you, probably the closest the two of you have been physically. Or rather, the most intimate you’ve been together. He lowered his head to meet your eye level, and came closer to your face just enough so that his lips were grazing over your ear. “Don’t be nervous, it’s just for fun” he whispered to you. Suddenly, this wasn’t just fun anymore.

Donghyuck pulled away from your ear and was now staring deep into your eyes, his face almost attached to yours. He looked at you for a couple of seconds before he gave you a reassuring nod. You didn’t have the energy to say anything, so you gave him a nod too, signaling him that you were fine.

Before you could even process what was about to happen, Donghyuck leaned in and kissed you. Plump lips captured yours in a soft dancing motion, their taste perfectly resembling a mix of the pizza and cola he had earlier. Shock waves run throughout your entire body, as he moved his hand to the back of your neck to support you.

You allowed yourself to fall entirely into him, eyes closed and lips moving along the rhythm he created. A few seconds felt like hours, his homely yet unfamiliar touch making your stomach clench and your face heat up in love.

And then he stopped. Donghyuck pulled back and flashed the brightest smile you had ever seen painted on his beautiful face. He licked his lips and you laughed awkwardly, looking down at your lap to avoid his piercing gaze. Your heart was still beating rapidly. You could taste his lips on your lips, you could feel the touch of his hand in the back of your neck, you could hear the sound of his beating heart, you could sense his cool breath fanning your burning face. Donghyuck had stopped kissing you, but the sensation of his kiss was still present in your entire body. You just had your first kiss, and at the same time, you had your first kiss with Donghyuck.

“Gosh you were kissing for ages. Like, get a room, or something” Yangyang said and went back to sit on the side of the room he was previously sitting in. Jimin threw you a playful wink secretly from the boys. You knew what it meant. We need to talk later type of wink.

It was getting late and Donghyuck’s parents called him to go back home. He needed to leave sooner than the rest of you because he still hadn’t packed all of his things. You greeted him one last time before he walked out the door to leave.

As the door closed, you felt your heart sink down the deepest ocean, a piece of it shattering, tears welling up in the corners of your eyes, dryness in your throat. You missed him already. It had been just a couple of seconds since he walked out the door and your heart to go out that door with him too.

A tear streamed down your cheek.So this was it. A second tear followed shortly after the first one. Then another one. And another one. Soon enough a pool of tears was running down your face and it hadn’t occurred to you that you were going to miss him that much.

But as if a lightning bolt struck you, you quickly wiped your tears with the palm of your hands, stormed out the door and ran after Donghyuck.

“Donghyuck!” you yelled and he stopped to look back at you. You were lucky he heard your voice, he hadn’t walked that far though, you were quick to react and follow after him, just so you could spend some more time with him. You and him. “Do you mind if I walk you home?” you asked him and he nodded.

You skipped a bit so that you could walk beside him. You started walking alongside Donghyuck, taking a few seconds to catch your breath until it came back to its normal rate. “So, when are we gonna see you again?” you asked him. He left a low chuckle and shook his head.

“I honestly don’t know, Y/n” he said. Another piece of your heart shattered.

Donghyuck noticed your saddened expression and took your hand in his. "Hey, look at me” he said. You stopped and turned towards him, taking in the details of his face. His chocolate eyes were gleaming under the moonlight, the moles on his dark cheek reminded you of the stars in the night sky.

“I will not forget you. Ever. Always remember that. I will try my best to call you as much as I can, all of you. You guys are my best friends, I could never leave you. I don’t know how long I’ll be gone, it won’t be that easy for me to visit you often. but I promise to make up for all the time that we will lose. Especially for you. But I can’t be sure when that will be.”

A tear slipped down your cheek again and he wiped it away with his thumb. Why is he being like this all of a sudden?

Your voice wasn’t strong enough at that moment for you to speak, so you opened your arms to embrace him instead. And he hugged you back so tightly you thought your body would be merged with his. He buried his head at the crook of your neck and you stayed there for a while, feeling the presence of your bodies on each other. Not a single word was said, yet you felt so comfortable and safe in his arms.

That night you had helped him pack his things. You stayed in his room afterwards, talking, laughing, crying. God you were going to miss him. That day, you thought for the first time ever that maybe your feelings were reciprocated. But he said nothing about it. So you didn’t say anything either.

But you wanted to. It felt like all the words were stuck in your throat and there was something blocking them from coming out. I like you Donghyuck, I like you a lot. It was that easy. But for some reason, you couldn’t say it out loud. Maybe you didn’t want to. Maybe you were too scared of rejection. Or maybe you were afraid of losing a friend.

You and Donghyuck were sitting at the stairs of his porch, next to each other, facing the stars of the night sky. You didn’t want to go home. You couldn’t. You wanted to stay there longer, kiss him again, talk to him about anything and then kiss him again.

When you stood up to leave, he hugged you one last time, stroking your hair lightly. He spoke in a low voice in your ear. “I’ll be back. Don’t forget me”.

How could I ever forget you Donghyuck?

The day after you met Donghyuck at the diner, he texted you and asked to hang out later after your classes. You would be lying to yourself if you said that you didn’t screech like a schoolgirl the moment you saw his text message on your phone when you woke up.

Of course you agreed to meet him. At that moment, you didn’t feel nervous, at all, but as time passed your stomach was clenching more and more.

Jimin wouldn’t stop nudging you about it the entire day. She wanted to meet up for lunch because she was dying to talk about this ever since you came back home last night. “The first thing he did in the morning was to ask you to hang out later? Yeah, sounds like a date to me” she said.

You rolled your eyes at her. “It's not a date, drop it. He just wants us to hang out, that’s it” you said.

“Are you sure that you want to just hang out though?” she asked you.

You thought for a second. “Well, no, but I won't try to do anything more than that” you said.

“Whatever,” Jimin said “you have to tell him sometime though, you know that right? And you also have to admit to yourself that you never really got over him, so now that he’s here you have to make your move. You had your chance once and you lost it. So don’t lose it again now”.

You sighed. “What if he doesn’t feel the same” you said.

“Who gives a fuck?” Jimin said “If he doesn’t feel the same, you will close this chapter and begin a new one. There are other fish in the sea too, you know”

Yeah but it’s not the same, you whispered to yourself. Jimin didn’t hear you.

As soon as you came back to your dorm, you went straight to searching through your closet for an outfit to wear later, when your phone chimed.

[Hyuck]

meet me at the park in about hour

[Hyuck]

bring your bike too

You were staring at your phone screen until it turned off. Oh he’s such a little bitch, you thought.

You put on comfortable clothes and running shoes, and decided to ride your bike on the way to the park. The sun was beginning to set; orange and pink hues painted the sky, a light chilly breeze combing through your hair. The park was still lively, little kids were playing with each other, old couples were going for walks, some students were studying under the trees.

You hadn’t been to the park since the day Donghyuck left. Yangyang wanted to go skating there from time to time, but every time he asked you to keep him company, you turned down his offer. Then, he started filling his time with dating girls and you started spending more time with Jimin, so the park wasn’t your go-to place to hang out anymore.

You saw Donghyuck leaning against a tree, foot resting on top of the bike’s pedal, same black leather jacket as the day before, a bucket hat hiding his pretty features. He was scrolling through his phone as you approached him.

“Hey” you said and his head shot up, turning off his phone and placing it in his pocket. “Y/n, hi” he said and smiled. You smiled back at him. He looked beautiful when he smiled.

“So, you still like the park, I see” you said. He nodded and hopped on his bike. “I do. So come on, let’s go for a ride. I think we have to catch up on a lot of things. And I promised to make up for all the time we lost. So, let’s go” he said and started riding his bike.

You followed shortly after him until you were now biking beside him. So he does remember his promise, you thought. You smiled to yourself and pushed your thoughts to the back of your mind. You wanted to enjoy your time with him, just like the old times.

You spent hours biking and talking about anything. Donghyuck told you stories from his high school years, the friends he met on the way, how he changed his college major and decided to come back here to study computer engineering.

“A part of me wanted this change because I missed this town, you know? I have so many memories here, I was kinda attached to this place. All I needed was a valid reason to come back, and I found one, so here I am.” he said.

You couldn’t help but bring the same questions to your mind, so you gathered all of your strength and asked him. “Then why didn’t you visit us at all? Or even call us back? You did at first and then you stopped. Why?”

Donghyuck pulled the breaks of his bike and rested his feet on the ground to stop the bike from moving. You mimicked his actions and stood there searching his features for an answer. He cleared his throat and turned to look at you. You couldn’t see his face clearly because the bucket hat was casting a shadow over his features.

“Honestly, I don’t really know. I didn’t want to stop contacting you, but I don’t know why I did it.” He paused for a few moments. He drew in a breath and started again. “You know what, I think I know, but I can’t tell you now. Maybe some other time, okay?” he said.

You were left confused, but decided not to question him any further. Instead, you nodded and smiled at him. He would tell you when he was ready to do so.

The sky was getting darker and darker and both your stomachs growled in hunger. Donghyuck suggested that you buy takeout and sit under at the park to stargaze. You left your bikes leaning against a random tree and put your jackets on the ground to sit on them.

The sky looked beautiful. The stars and the moon were shining brightly, contrasting with the pitch black background of the sky. Donghyuck was staring at the sky when he spoke up “I remember how much you liked watching the sky when you were younger. You were always watching the stars closely and we made bets on which one would fall first.”

You chuckled at the memory. “And you always lost. Every. Single. Time. Seriously, you have no intuition at all. You had won one time and bragged about it forever” you said and he laughed.

He turned his head to face you. He had taken off his hat too, his black hair was falling over his eyes. “You were just lucky all the other times. Don’t flatter yourself” he said.

You sat there and ate your food in silence. Comfortable silence. The only sound that was heard was the singing of the cicadas in the trees and occasionally your munching on the food.

Everything felt at ease again. You and Donghyuck, sitting beside each other, enjoying each other’s company, not having to utter a single word. You were smiling at yourself, it really felt as if not a single day had passed.

Donghyuck looked back at the sky and took a sip from his drink before he addressed you. “You really improved. Biking, I mean. I remember you were still struggling when I left” he said.

“Thanks, I still rode my bike to school so that I could get used to it more. Thank you for teaching me by the way. I don’t think I ever thanked you properly” you said.

“It's no problem” he said and sipped from his drink again.

He opened his mouth to speak again, changing the subject now. “So, why did you break up with that guy? Dejun, was it?” he asked.

Why is he so curious about that? “Oh, there were many reasons actually. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was really cool and I liked him a lot. It’s just that we got kinda bored of each other, I guess? And he also graduated from high school a year earlier than me so then he had to go back to China for college.”

Donghyuck nodded. “I see” he paused and asked again. “How was he like?”

“Why do you even bother so much? He is old news now, anyway” you said. But now you were curious about Donghyuck too. “Tell me about you, did you date anyone in high school?”

You don’t know why but you got anxious waiting for his answer. He shrugged. “Yeah but nothing serious. Just casual things, you know?” he said and you hummed in agreement.

The night went on and you talked more. You and Donghyuck agreed to hang out at the park every day after your classes, like you used to. That’s what he suggested. You couldn’t say no; of course you wanted to spend time with him.

And that’s what you did. You grew closer again, maybe even closer than you used to be. You enjoyed biking and stargazing in the park a lot. It had become your thing; an activity that the two of you shared with each other, an excuse to get away from everyone and everything and make up for all the memories you could have had.

There were quite a few moments when you wanted to look Donghyuck in the eyes and tell him I like you dumbass. But every single time you backed away from doing it. You were too scared that these harmless words would end up destroying everything you had built with him.

So you waited. You waited for the right time to bring it up. You were having the time of your life alongside a dear person that you’ve loved and appreciated your entire life. You were not ready to take the risk and possibly lose him. So you never said a word. Because he didn’t say any words either.

“Why does Donghyuck keep asking me about Dejun? What is so interesting about him? If he wants to find out more about him, he should be the one to date him” the frustration in your voice made a couple of people turn their heads from the tables next to yours.

Jimin took a fork bite of her carrot cake. “Girl, you must be joking” she said, munching on the piece of cake. “He asks about him because, guess what, he is jealous! J-e-a-l-o-u-s. Got it? Why are you so stupid, gosh! The man has clearly fallen for you and you are so oblivious of it!”.

“I mean why would he be jealous? Dejun and I broke up so long ago” you muttered to yourself.

Jimin heard that and, obviously, she wouldn’t leave it at that. “This is what happens when you like someone. Donghyuck keeps asking you about your ex boyfriend because he wants to make sure he’s in the clear to make a move.”

You sighed. “Is this why you keep asking Yangyang if he broke up with his girlfriend? Look, Jimin, I love you, but I don’t think Hyuck likes me. As a friend, yes. But nothing more than that.”

Jimin gulped down a glass full of water. “Okay, whatever floats your boat, Y/n” she said and took another fork bite of her cake. “So, did Yangyang tell you? A frat guy he knows is hosting a party this weekend, wanna go?” she asked you.

“Come on Jiminie, you know I don’t really do parties” you whined.

Jimin rolled her eyes. “I wasn’t expecting a different answer. But we’re definitely going. There’s gonna be hot boys, good music and lots of alcohol. I heard Donghyuck is going too”.

“Well, he didn’t mention any party” you defended him. “He didn’t mention any party yet” Jimin corrected you. “He's gonna bring it up any second. I bet you can’t say no to him, you care too much about his feelings but you never care about mine” Jimin sulked.

You mentally slapped her only because you couldn’t bear to slap her for real. “I will go to the party because you want us to go, not because Donghyuck will supposedly be there. You know I always come along with you in everything. We come as a package, remember? Now, don’t sulk and eat your cake, we have to think about our outfits” you said. She was your best friend after all, it was the least you could do.

Jimin’s face lit up and her lips curved upwards, stretching all the way to her ears. Before she could open her mouth to speak, you cut her off. “But you have to promise me that you won’t get drunk, okay?” you said and lifted your pinky.

She linked her pinky finger with yours and nodded in agreement. “I don’t exactly promise it, but I’ll try my best” she said.

Donghyuck indeed mentioned the party later that day when you went out at the park with him. “I don’t really wanna go either Y/n, but all my friends are gonna be there. And now that you’re gonna be there too, I can’t be the only one missing out from all the fun” he said.

Donghyuck has had his fun share with parties during high school. He told you so one night at the park. He would sneak out the house and go to parties during weekends, but one night, or rather morning, he went home super drunk and threw up all over the front door rug. He claimed that this happened because of a dare his friends made him do and that he didn’t intend to drink as much as he did. After that, he avoided parties like the plague. It’s not that his parents never allowed him to go again; he could easily sneak out his window. He was smart enough to realize that parties were simply not good for him.

“I wanted to fit in with them, you know?” Donghyuck said “I got used to it eventually and I actually kinda liked it, but now I don’t really enjoy such things”.

That’s one of the many reasons you liked Donghyuck so much. His honesty. He wasn’t afraid to speak his mind about things that bothered him, or simply voice out his thoughts. So why wasn’t he doing it with his feelings too? Was it so hard for him too? Did he actually like you, like Jimin said? Or maybe you just wanted to believe that he did. If he really did, he would probably have said it by now.

But his actions spoke louder than his words. You couldn’t help but think about the way he looked at you under the night sky when you were staring at the stars but he was staring back at you. Or when he wiped your strawberry milk stains from the corners of your lips and his fingers stayed there brushing your lips a little longer than they should be. Or when he held you close to him among big crowds so that he wouldn’t lose you from his sight. Or when he would let you rest your head on his chest while he was stroking your hair so that you could fall asleep faster.

You swear you had heard him whisper something to you once, but when you asked him to repeat it he waved it off. Were you that desperate for his attention? Maybe. But maybe both of you were fools, afraid to let their heart be free because of the painful possibility that it might break.

You and Jimin were standing in front of the frat house door, the loud music blasting through the speakers behind the wall created a throbbing base sound in your ears, your heart beat in sync with the beat of the song that was playing from inside that house.

“Do we knock or...” Jimin trailed off before the door slid wide open and a tipsy young man stood by it. “Welcome ladies, come on in” he said. You and Jimin looked at each other for confirmation before hesitantly taking a step forward. The young man stepped aside so that you could get through the door.

The place was dark, the only source of light being the neon special effects lighting coming from the DJ set. The rooms were packed with people, some of them already drunk, some of them dancing all over each other, the mixed odor of sweat, alcohol and weed making you dizzy. At that exact moment you reminded yourself that this was why you didn’t like parties.

You and Jimin stood there, eyes wandering all over the room, trying to take in the scenery in front of you. “Damn, this is so cool” Jimin breathed out.

The guy who opened the door a few seconds ago was nowhere to be seen. A girl was walking with her sunglasses on, when she bumped into Jimin and spilled a bit of her drink on the ground, a drop of it landing on Jimin’s shoe. A “sorry” was barely audible on top of the loud music and Jimin stood there looking at her shoe in disgust.

“I guess it’s not that cool” she said and grabbed your hand. “Let’s go get ourselves some drinks.”

You walked towards the kitchen which was a bit brighter compared to the other rooms. Bottles of different types of alcohol were lined up on the kitchen counter. Juice boxes, ice and plastic red cups were placed on the kitchen table. A group of boys were refilling their cups with their alcohol of choice, while a couple was making out up against the wall next to the fridge.

Jimin’s disgusted expression from earlier appeared again. You decided to ignore your surroundings and went over to the kitchen counter to grab a drink for you and Jimin.

“Where’s Yangyang?” Jimin asked

“I honestly have no idea. He said he’d text me once he gets here, but I’m a bit surprised he didn’t arrive earlier than us. He doesn’t miss on such things” you said and Jimin nodded.

“And Donghyuck?” she asked again

You put the bottle of alcohol down and grabbed a box of grapefruit juice. You shrugged. “ No idea either.”

Jimin smirked at your answer, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she took her cup and guided you out of the kitchen towards the living room. “Come on, let’s dance” she said.

The music was blasting into your eardrums and your body caught the rhythm of the music, adjusting its muscles to move along to it. It wasn’t as bad as you thought it would be. Your body was swaying to the fast-paced song that the DJ was playing when you felt your phone vibrate in your pocket.

[Hyuck]

where are you?

[Hyuck]

can’t see you

You lifted your head to look around the crowded living room in hopes of finding Donghyuck. It didn’t take you long before you could spot him among the crowd, though. You could never miss him anywhere, he always stood out in your eyes. Your gaze caught his, and his lips curved a bit when he saw you.

He tried to squeeze between the people dancing in the living room in order to get to your place. “What are you looking at?” Jimin asked you when she noticed that something bothered you.

You didn’t have time to answer her, because Donghyuck grabbed your arm to smoothly turn your body around and shift your attention to him. You felt a lump in your throat, your breath trapped inside your lungs. There he stood, messy hair falling onto his eyes, black graphic shirt and jeans, a Cuban link around his neck and matching rings on his fingers contrasting with the dark colors of his outfit. He looked gorgeous.

He flashed you a smile, raising his voice so that you could hear him. “Hi” he said. He simply said hi. Yet a group of butterflies started dancing in your stomach. You said it back.

Jimin got the message and leaned in your ear. “I think I saw some girls I know from one of my classes. I’d better leave you two” she said and turned on her heel to leave.

Donghyuck waved Jimin off and grabbed your hand. He then bent a bit lower and leaned in your ear. “Should we go somewhere quieter?” he asked you, his low voice vibrating in your ear. You could only nod.

Donghyuck walked in the front and you followed behind him, still holding his hand. He led you outside the house, towards the back yard. Plastic cups were scattered all over the grassy ground, two girls passed out beside some bushes, a guy sipping alcohol from a glass bottle and dancing on his own. Yeah, parties were weird.

You felt weirded out and uncomfortable at the sight and Donghyuck sensed it. He squeezed your hand and you looked up at him. He nodded to the large swing beside the barbecue stand and motioned you to go and sit there.

You sat down on the swing and Donghyuck copied your movement. He leaned his body towards the back so that it touched the back of the swing and with a swift motion, he pushed his feet on the ground and the swing started moving. You lifted your feet off the ground and let Donghyuck rock the swing smoothly.

You sat in silence for a moment, that comfortable silence that only existed when you were with Donghyuck, which was interrupted by his honey voice. “I don’t like parties” he simply said.

You turned to look at him but he was staring into the void in front of him. “ I have bad memories when it comes to parties” he said.

You didn’t speak. You didn’t want to. You always let him open up to you without interrupting his stream of thoughts.

Donghyuck drew in a sharp breath. “Remember that story I told you about that party? That one when I went home the next day and threw up all over the door? Yeah that one. I couldn’t bear going to something like this again when the last time I did, I didn’t even do it for myself. Did you know that I started drinking so that kids at my new school thought I was cool? That’s how I ended up spilling my guts all over my mother’s rug.”

He turned to look at you. “Pretty disgusting, huh?” he chuckled.

You chuckled too. You lowered your gaze to your feet. “Then why did you come here tonight?” you asked him.

“I don’t know” he said without even thinking about his answer. “I guess I came for my friends again.“ He paused for a second and spoke again “And I guess I also came to see you, mostly” he trailed off.

You stilled at his words and you thanked yourself for staring at your shoes and not looking at him, because he would be able to see the embarrassingly bright red color of your cheeks.

“But you see me everyday. We hang out all the time” you said.

“I know” he said. That’s all he said. What was that even supposed to mean?

Before you could speak, Donghyuck got up from the swing and extended his arm in front of you. “Come on, let's get out of here. This party sucks, we both hate it, so why waste our time? Let’s leave. Me and you.” he said.

You looked up at him. “Hyuck,” you trailed off “as much as I hate this party and as much as I want to leave with you, I promised Jimin to keep her company” you really hated that you had to say this.

“Jimin has found other people to hang out with, she’ll be fine, I know it.” Donghyuck said, a glimpse of hope in the tone of his voice.

That glimpse vanished when you rejected his offer for the second time, the corners of his mouth dropping to a frown. “I’m sorry Hyuck, I can’t” you said.

Donghyuck nodded to himself and put his hands inside his pockets. He cleared his throat but his voice still came out a bit raspy and low. “It’s okay, I get it.”

Your heart shuttered upon seeing him like this. You really didn’t want to make him feel bad, but you had also promised Jimin to be there for her since she wanted this so much. And you couldn’t let yourself break that promise, even though it was actually a bit trivial. Because in all honesty, Jimin would really be fine.

But also a small part of you was too flustered to spend time alone with Donghyuck at that moment. You felt as if you weren’t capable of controlling your emotions; your feelings kept growing stronger and stronger, and his presence alone was enough to make you feel overwhelmed with love.

The back door opened and someone came running through it. “Donghyuck, dude!” a guy you didn’t quite recognize yelled and came to grab Donghyuck by his arm. “You’re missing out on all the fuuuun my dude, come in back insideeee we’re gonna get fucking wasted!” the guy was yelling and patting Donghyuck on the back of his neck while dragging him inside the frat house.

Donghyuck said something you didn’t quite catch, and he tried to let go of the guy’s hold on him, but he failed to do so. The guy had already taken him to the back door and inside the house.

The door closed shut behind them and you left sitting on the swing by yourself, rocking it slightly with your feet. You shivered under the cool evening breeze and wrapped your arms around your body to shield yourself from the cold.

You didn’t want to go back inside. You promised Jimin to keep her company, but a frat party was the last place you wanted to be at, at that time. You grabbed your phone and, speaking of the devil, a few texts from Jimin appeared on your screen.

[Jiminie]

spotted yangyang. pretty sure he took a girl to a room

[Jiminie]

doesn’t he a gf?

You sighed reading Jimin’s texts. You really had to have a talk with Yangyang. And Jimin, for that matter. At least you knew that he was safe and that you probably won’t have to take care of him like a baby after you leave the party.

[you]

let him be, we’ll kick his ass tomorrow

[you]

where are you?

The text you wrote was delivered for the next 15 minutes. Jimin hadn’t read your message. All of a sudden, your hands became sweaty and your chest felt heavy as if a rock had fallen onto it.

Why didn’t she text me back?

Worry started welling up inside you and you rushed inside the house looking for your best friend. The music had got louder, the crowd was bigger, the smell of alcohol and weed more prominent. You went running up and down the stairs, kicking open every single door you found on your way.

Still, Jimin was nowhere to be found.

You stood at the edge of the stairway for a second to catch your breath. You opened your phone to call her and started walking towards the bathroom, the last room you didn’t check.

The phone was beeping in your ear, but Jimin didn’t pick up. You exhaled sharply and opened the bathroom door, still holding the phone in your ear. The sweat on your palms and the rock on your chest magically disappeared when you saw Jimin kneeling in front of the toilet with an arm holding her hair back out of her face.

A sigh of relief escaped your lips and you stopped the phone call. “Thank god you’re safe. I was so freaked out you bitch” you said and crouched down beside her. “Are you okay?” you asked her.

Jimin nodded and let her hair fall down her shoulders. She wiped her lips with the back of her palm before she spoke. “I’m okay. I had a bit too much alcohol and I threw up. But I feel better now. Sorry for making you worried” she said.

You opened your arms and she fell into your embrace. You stroked her head lightly, as you could feel her warm tears wetting the fabric of your shirt on your shoulder. She promised not to drink too much, but your gut somehow knew you’d better stay there at the party because something like this would be inevitable. “It's okay Jiminie, I was the one who left you alone, I promised to keep you company” you said.

She pulled back from the hug. “I guess we both broke each other’s promise” she chuckled and you did the same.

Jimin sniffled and wiped her already dry tears. “Why are you alone? Where is Donghyuck?” she asked you.

“We were sitting outside but then a random guy came and dragged him back inside. He seemed pretty wasted” you replied.

Jimin’s eyes widened and she stood up abruptly. “Oh no, oh no no no” she said.

You stood up too. “What? Jimin, what's wrong?” you asked her curiously.

“If it's the guy I think it is, then Donghyuck might be stupid drunk right now, or even worse, under the influence. We need to find him. Now” she said and ran out the bathroom and down the stairs, skipping a couple of steps while doing so.

You followed right after her, the rock falling on your chest again. You hated parties. This was final. Things like this are unavoidable in parties, and you hated the fact that your friends had to go through shit every single time.

The music wasn’t as loud as earlier and the living room didn’t feel as crowded. Most of the people were gathered outside in the backyard, or were already passed out on the beds or the floors of the bedrooms.

You and Jimin spotted a group of people gathered in a circle in the middle of the living room. Everybody was sitting on the carpeted floor, bottles of alcohol scattered everywhere around them. You noticed that a guy was holding a blunt and kept rotating it to every person gathered in that circle. Oh no.

Their voices were mixed in with the music coming from the DJ set, so all you could see was their mouths moving without saying anything meaningful. The smoke of the blunt made the living room foggy and your lungs were struggling to work properly in between the crowded room.

The stinging sensation in your eyes caused by the smoke and flashing lights made your eyes watery and you could not tell apart any face in the crowd, except for Jimin who was standing next to you.

“What the fuck is going on in here?” Jimin whispered.

You rubbed your eyes in order to clear your vision without even caring if this would ruin your makeup. The faces on the people sitting on the floor became clearer, and it didn’t take you long before you spotted the familiar chocolate eyes looking drowsy, honey fingers placing the blunt in between soft plump lips.

A girl passed Donghyuck the blunt and he took a long and slow drag from it, exhaling the smoke into the thick air creating smoke rings. He then gave the blunt to the person next to him and he leaned back supporting his body with his elbows.

Donghyuck was wasted. Whatever that guy did to him in such a little time got to him immediately. His chocolate eyes were drowned in a pool of red, his hair looking messier than before and his clothes were all wrinkled.

You stood there frozen looking at him. If you had tried to keep him away from that guy, he wouldn’t have ended up in this situation. He had told you that he was pressured by other people to do stuff he didn’t want to do, but was he that naive to let this happen to himself once again? How many times has that even happened before?

Your thoughts had carried you away, your vision was blurry again and your ears had blocked away all the sounds. An arm slung around your shoulders and you jolted up at the sudden touch.

“Where have you been bestie? You came rrright at the perfect time. We’re playing spin the bottle” Yangnyang said drowsily, his eyes painted in the same red shade as Donghyuck’s.

“Oh you’re here too, come on, sit down” he said to Jimin and dragged us both to the circle on the floor. He used both his arms and his full force to sit us down next to each other, and then he got up to sit across from us where he was previously sitting.

The girl to your left offered you the blunt but you rejected it without a second thought. Everyone was either stupid high or stupid drunk, some of them were both. You were suffocating. You felt like a total stranger there, even the existence of your own body was making you anxious.

You turned to Jimin on your right. “We need to go home” you mouthed and she kept nodding to herself constantly.

Your eyes roamed around the small circle, trying to find a way to get up and leave. But before you could do that, the chocolate pair of eyes that was now drowned in deep red, locked in with yours. A sense of déjà vu ran through your entire body, shivering under his gaze. This cannot happen again.

Jimin took your hand in hers and squeezed it tightly. She was uncomfortable and so were you. You tried to get up and leave, but the girl next to you dragged you back down.

A guy gulped down an entire bottle of alcohol before he put it down in the middle of the circle. You didn’t even bother to look at what type of alcohol it was.

Yangyang moved in closer to the middle and grabbed the bottle. “Alright, I'll go first!” he shouted and with a swift motion, he spun the bottle fast.

The bottle was spinning at a rapid speed until it came to a stop, its two ends pointing on two people you didn’t know. Apparently, you were the only one who didn’t know them because everyone else was super excited for their kiss. Or at least they were too high to understand what they were doing.

The bottle spun again. And again. And again. You lost count of how many rounds you were in, the same way your eyes were lost in Donghyuck’s. You kept him under your gaze, watching his every move and trying to justify the way he was acting. You had never seen him like this, so out of himself. What happened to the boy you saw a couple hours ago? The boy you knew ever since you were five? It felt as if he had almost lost whatever it was that made him different from the others. Right now, he looked like every other frat boy in that house.

But he didn’t really look at you. In fact, his mind seemed to be roaming around, not really paying attention to any of his surroundings except for when someone would pass him the blunt.

The bottle kept spinning and almost everyone had kissed someone else at this point. Yangyang took his fair share of the game as he kept on kissing a different girl in almost every single round.

Jimin squeezed your hand again and you realized how uncomfortable she might have felt. This time, you wouldn’t let any of the others stop you from leaving. Your friend wasn’t feeling well, but so were you. So you let go of Jimin’s hand and stood up, ready to leave.

As if fate was against you, you heard a burst of cheers and whistles coming from everyone gathered in the room. You regretted not leaving sooner, because the one end of the bottle was pointing at your side. And the other end was pointing at Donghyuck.

Cold sweat ran down your temples and a tight knot appeared in your stomach. This can’t be. You froze there standing still, staring at the bottle on your feet. You lifted your gaze from your feet to meet Donghyuck’s, who was staring back at you with a smug expression painting his face. From the corner of your eye, you could spot Yangyang grinning like a madman, his entire dentition on full display.

As if he did it on purpose, Donghyuck took a long drag of the blunt before standing up too so that his eyes leveled yours. The smugness on his face never left his features, his drowsy red eyes pouring into yours.

He slowly walked towards you, stopping right in front of your standing figure. His face was now way too close to yours. You could smell the alcohol and God knows what else on his breath, the heat of his body radiating to yours.

Donghyuck parted his lips and your breath got caught in your throat. His body somehow got even closer to yours. He tilted his head to the side and leaned against your ear. His hot breath was fanning over your ear, his lips softly grazing your skin. With a voice hoarse and low, he spoke loud enough for you to barely hear him. “Don’t worry sweetheart, we’ve done this before.”

You hadn’t even noticed which end of the bottle was pointing at you, but Donghyuck took the initiative himself and smacked his plump lips onto yours. His touch caught you off guard. You were standing there doing nothing, while Donghyuck placed both of his hands on the sides of your neck, his lips moving aggressively yet smoothly on top of yours.

You waited for him to pull away so that you could leave the party as soon as possible, but his intentions seemed to be different. He bit on your bottom lip in an attempt to part your lips so that you could kiss him back. You hated to admit it to yourself but it definitely worked. You parted your mouth just enough and moved your lips in sync with his smooth plump ones, the taste of alcohol from his lips transfering to yours.

The knot on your stomach kept on tightening more and more with each second passing. Your pulse rate had reached an infinite number of beats per minute and you were sure that your legs would not be able to hold you for much longer.

As if Donghyuck read your mind, he pulled away after leaving a last soft peck on your lips, removing his hands from the sides of your neck. He pulled back smirking at you as you were still standing frozen, your lips still feeling numb and swollen..

You had blocked away everyone else that was around you. You couldn’t hear anything of what they were saying. Your brain was still trying to comprehend what had just happened.

With a quick snap back to reality, you grabbed Jimin’s hand and turned your back to everyone else, storming off through the door of the frat house.

The night of the party you slept over at Jimin’s dorm. As soon as you exited the frat house, you went straight to Jimin’s car and you offered to drive since Jimin wasn’t in the right place to drive. She was still feeling unwell after she threw up all the alcohol she had consumed previously the same night, so you wanted to make sure she would be fine. But honestly, you weren’t feeling well either, and it wasn’t because you had drank.

Your mind kept replaying the moment Donghyuck kissed you like a video on loop. You were suddenly fifteen again, playing a silly game of spin the bottle with your friends where you happened to kiss your silly little crush. But now it happened again. And it wasn’t a silly game or a silly crush anymore.

Why was Donghyuck so complicating? All those times you hung out together, you never noticed him having any romantic intentions towards you. Everything he did or said was purely in the terms of friendship. But the way he approached you, touched you and kissed you at the party told you otherwise. Were you that blind not to notice his intentions?

You tried to excuse his behavior, saying that he was high or drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. Which is not necessarily a lie. It wasn’t his fault that he got peer pressured into drinking and behaving like one of the frat boys. He is the complete opposite of a troublemaker and ill-intended person; no wonder people found it so easy to talk him into things.

Plus, it was only just a game. He sure didn’t think of it as something much of a big deal, so why would you give it so much importance?

You mentally slapped yourself for thinking like this, because Jimin, who was already fast asleep, would yell at you for excusing Donghyuck’s behavior. He’s not a kid, he’s a grown-up, he knows what he’s doing, she would say. You had to wait until the morning to hear her scolding. The thing is, she wouldn’t be completely wrong about this.

During the thunderstorm of thoughts pouring inside your brain, a bold lightning struck in between. What if you confessed to him? Your heart couldn’t bear hiding what it felt for any longer. At that moment, you didn’t care if it would ruin your relationship with Donghyuck. He has acted recklessly enough quite a few times now, so you were allowed to be reckless for once too. He had to know how you felt, because this is what would make you feel at ease with yourself. He can’t find it so easy to kiss you in a drunk game and not feel anything either. After the spark that lit up with the touch of your lips and the butterflies that danced around the knot in your stomach, you knew you had to tell him. But the problem was that you didn’t know how to do it.

For the meantime, you had curled up in Jimin’s bed hugging yourself tightly, crying your eyes out until sweet sleep brushed over them and closed them shut.

The morning of the next day you and Jimin went out to grab breakfast together. She was still feeling a bit weird because of last night’s events, but she said that a plate of chocolate chip pancakes would cure her hangover.

You were fiddling with your fork, scraping it at the surface of the plate, a screeching noise coming from it. Jimin visibly shivered at the sound and you stopped it.

“So,” Jimin began, swallowing a big piece of the pancakes, “wanna talk about last night?” she asked.

You put your fork down and sat back, crossing your arms. “I don’t think there’s anything to talk about. Everything is so confusing” you answered.

“Um, that’s exactly why we need to talk about it” Jimin said. She drank a full glass of water and then set it down on the table with a thud. It was so loud, you thought that the table might have broken.

“Donghyuck literally kissed you and we’re gonna completely ignore that? Come on Y/n, we cannot pretend it didn’t happen. Well, at least you cannot pretend it didn’t happen” Jimin said.

“Drop it Jimin, he was drunk, or high, or whatever.”

“No he was not. Well he was, but not that much. He knew what he was doing. Look, Y/n, Donghyuck has been a great friend to you and I know how much you love him for that. But when it comes to the romantic part of your relationship, he’s been nothing but an ass.”

You sighed and didn’t say anything in return. Jimin was right. He really was an ass when it came to romantic relationships. But you couldn’t ignore your feelings. You knew the way you felt when he touched you, when he leaned close to your ear and whispered to you, when his lips danced with yours.

The question is, did he feel the same?

You broke the silence by speaking up. “I think I’m gonna confess to him” you said.

Jimin almost choked on her food. She started coughing and you immediately got up and patted her on her back to prevent any accidents. You filled in her glass with water and helped her drink a bit.

“You what?!” Jimin practically screamed and you were thankful that the restaurant was not full that morning.

“I thought about it last night and I can’t keep suppressing my feelings, But I don’t know how to do it and I still think that Donghyuck might not like me back, hell, he only sees my as a friend, but at the same time I felt it when he kissed me, it felt different than the first time he did it back at that goodbye party before high school and God I hate parties becau-“

“Hey hey hey! Calm down bestie” Jimin interrupted you. You were panting, trying to catch your breath. You didn’t realize you went on an auto-rant mode until after Jimin spoke.

“It’s okay, I know it’s hard to do it. But if you finally feel confident enough to tell him, you should do it. We’ll think of a way to do that, together.” Jimin reassured you and you nodded to yourself.

Speaking of the devil, your phone screen lit up and a ting sound echoed in the room. You picked it up, only to see a text from Donghyuck.

[Hyuck]

see you at the park later?

You sighed again and made a mental note to text him back in a minute when you would have calmed down from your previous outbreak.

You really had to tell him, and you had to do it soon.

Despite your initial denial, you agreed to meet Donghyuck later that day at the park, at your usual spot. You were contemplating whether to meet him or not, because even though you wanted to confess, your anxiety and fear of a bad outcome got the best of you.

You didn’t mind if you got rejected. You really didn’t care at all. At that moment, you just wanted to get it out of your chest. A few weeks ago, you would be dreading the possibility of Donghyuck rejecting your feelings and ruining your friendship. But right now you had none of that in mind.

You rode your bike on the way to the park in order to clear your mind with some fresh air. The sun had almost set and the park was becoming emptier. You spotted Donghyuck sitting on the ground with his back resting on a tree trunk. He had rode there on his bike too.

You went up to him and he only noticed your presence until after you sat down beside him. He turned his head to your side and he flushed you one of his precious bright smiles, the one that always made your heart skip a bit.

You didn’t want to lie to yourself, but your confidence from earlier magically vanished the moment you saw his face.

“How have you been? It was a mess last night” you spoke first and his smile dropped at the sound of your voice, his plump lips forming a soft frown, eyes falling down to his lap.

“Don’t remind me of that” Donghyuck said. He paused for a second before he spoke again. “I actually wanted to apologize for that. For whatever happened. I clearly didn’t mean anything I did or said, so if I did anything bad or weird, don’t tell me. I don’t wanna know. I promised myself I wouldn’t get carried away, but guess what! I did nothing but that. I’m sorry.”

You waited for him to finish with what he wanted to say before you said anything else. You went closer to him and rubbed his back in sympathy.

It took you a while to take in everything he said. What did he mean by “I didn’t mean anything I said or did”? Did he regret kissing you? Didn’t he feel the same spark, the same tingle, the same knot in his stomach?

You tried to push these thoughts away and focus on your feelings. It was time you put your feelings first, or rather, yourself. Your heart was beating out of your chest, blood rushing into your cheeks, as you gathered all your confidence and courage before you spoke up.

“Donghyuck?” you said in a soft, quiet voice, barely above a whisper. Donghyuck lifted his head, his chocolate eyes diving deep into yours, his skin glimmering under the moonlight like frozen honey.

That’s when your voice got stuck in your throat, and you stood there staring at him and he was staring back at you. “Wanna go on a ride with our bikes? To clear our minds?” you said.

He nodded and his plump lips curved upwards, his eyes creasing a bit on the sides. This is not what you wanted to say, but at least you said something.

You wanted to say so much more. So many things occupied the back of your head, you wanted to scream at him for giving you all these mixed signals, you wanted to scold him for acting so immature, you wanted to hug him and tell him that he’s too good for this world, you wanted to feel his touch and warmth on your body. But you did nothing for it.

You had to think of a way to confess to him without having to say any words. Otherwise, you would fuck up. Or you wouldn’t be able to do it at all, and you would be left with the burden upon your chest.

In the meantime, you were reminded how beautiful you felt every time you were with him. You relaxed, you laughed, you cried, you smiled, you frowned, you were stressed and then you were not. There was only one boy in all the world that could wake up every single emotion inside you and that boy was none other than Lee Donghyuck.

You still quite couldn’t put your finger on what it was that made him so different from the other boys. Maybe the fact that he was just a guy, like everyone else, but he seemed so gorgeous in your eyes. Maybe it was because you knew him in a way no one else did. That’s why you felt the need to share your feelings with him, because no matter what, you somehow knew that he would always love you back, even as just a friend.

You were still mad at him for acting this way. But you could not completely ignore the person you knew because of one reckless incident. You knew Donghyuck very well, and you knew that he was better than this. You weren’t in the right mood to confront him after seeing how bad he felt with himself, so you chose to put whatever happened at the party towards the back of your head for a while and enjoy your time with him.

There is always the right time for everything.

“Aeri broke up with me” Yangyang announced, with a frown on his face that could reach the floor.

“She did? Yeah, I’m not surprised. You shouldn’t be either” you said.

“But why?” Yangyang whined.

“Are you serious right now?” Jimin spoke up “You literally hook up with every other girl, plus, you never gave her any attention! And you have the audacity to cry about it.”

You were walking on campus, heading towards your respective classes. It had been two days since the frat party, and Yangyang’s girlfriend found out about his doings and she finally snapped.

Donghyuck caught up to you and joined the conversation. “Oof, I found you guys, I was looking for you everywhere. Wait what happened?” he asked as soon as he noticed Yangyang’s frown in his expression.

“Aeri happened” you said.

“Who's Aeri?” Donghyuck asked, furrowing his eyebrows.

Jimin was the one to speak up this time. “Yangyang’s girlfriend. Well, now ex-girlfriend. It took her a bit long to come to her senses but I’m happy she finally did.” She turned to Yangyang and slapped him in the back of his head. “See, you never even mentioned her name, you idiot! You’re gross, honestly” Jimin said with a disgusted expression.

Donghyuck smiled slightly at Jimin’s comment, but none of them saw him but you. Was it just your idea or did he look extra fine today?

Jimin walked to your side and linked her arm with yours. “Now if you will excuse us boys, we have to talk about girl things, mhm?” Jimin said and dragged you away from them, leaving them walking behind you.

“So, I thought of the perfect idea” Jimin whispered, lowering her head.

“About what?” you asked.

“You will make a quiz and send it to him” Jimin said. You stopped at your track to take in what she just said. “What?”

“You want to confess to Donghyuck, right? So I did some research and came across this quiz that you supposedly send to your crush and then they have to respond and send it back to you I guess. What do you think?” Jimin said.

“It sounds childish. Yeah I don’t think it will work” you said.

“But why? Let’s give it a try. Please” Jimin whined and you couldn’t do anything but agree with her. “Okay, listen. I’ll see what I’ll do. If I feel confident enough to send it to him then we’re good, otherwise we’ll have to think of something else” you said.

Jimin screeched and hugged you tightly. “Thank you thank you thank you! Oh my god, I really think it will work. Plus, it’s not gonna be a face to face confession so don’t be nervous about it. You got this. I’ll meet you later after classes to work on it. Love you bestie!” Jimin said and ran off to her class, leaving you walking on your own in the campus.

Maybe her idea wasn’t that bad after all. This couldn’t go too wrong, right?

Later that day you met Jimin at your favorite café. You found her sitting at your usual table, scrolling on her phone.

Yangyang decided to tag along this time too. You bumped into him on your way out of campus and invited him for coffee too. You didn’t tell Jimin about it, but you were sure she wouldn’t mind.

You sat down next to her, and Yangyang went for the seat on the other side of the table, taking out his phone.

“Let’s start, take out your laptop” Jimin said and you did so. You opened an empty form sheet and stared at the cursor appearing and disappearing on the screen. “Well, how do I start?” you asked.

Jimin took the lead and turned the laptop to her side so that she could type on the keyboard easier. “So, we'll start with his name. Write something like, ‘Hi Donghyuck, if you’re receiving this it’s because I have a big fat crush on you and I don’t know how to tell you-‘”

“Shhhh,” you interrupted her “don’t say his name” you whisper shouted.

Yangyang raised his head from his phone screen and joined the conversation. “Don’t worry about it bestie, it’s not as if we don’t know about it. It’s so obvious that you like Hyuck to the point it hurts my eyes every time I see you looking at him. Can’t you be more discreet about it? What the fuck are you two even doing by the way?”

You were left speechless and kept blinking, staring at Yangyang. Of course he would figure it out, he’s been your best friend since you were literally babies. You shouldn’t be surprised by this.

“We’re making a confession quiz to help Y/n tell Donghyuck that she likes him. I saw it online and apparently it works wonders” Jimin said.

Yangyang stayed silent for a few seconds before he started laughing hysterically. You and Jimin looked at each other and then back at Yangyang, waiting for him to stop with his laughing outburst.

You waited until he finally caught his breath, wiping a tear that slipped from the corner of his eye with his finger. “You guys are seriously so funny” he said.

“What's so funny about it, Yangyang? Hm?” Jimin asked him.

“I just find it such a stupid idea. Don’t you think it’s a bit childish? It won’t work” he said.

“That's what I thought too, but I’m gonna give it a try” you said.

“Okay, whatever” Yangyang said and went back to scrolling on his phone.

“Don’t give him any notice, Y/n. Let’s move on” Jimin said and started typing on the keyboard.

“So, we'll start with questions such as ‘Did you know that I liked you?’ and ‘If yes, then how did you know?’ and then ‘Do you like me back?’ and stuff” Jimin spoke while typing at the same time.

“Wait Jimin, don’t you think these are a bit too straightforward?” you asked. Jimin stopped typing and looked at you dead in the eye. “Are you kidding me? This is how a confession works, hello?” Jimin answered, full of irony. Through the corner of your eye, you saw Yangyang scoffing.

“Okay so next,” Jimin started typing again “you need to ask him the important stuff, which is what he thinks of you. And that includes what his first impression of you was, how attractive he finds you and how much he likes your personality.”

“How about we ask him something like ‘Is this awkward?’ because trust me, it probably is” you were the one who suggested a question this time.

Jimin wasn’t entirely sure if you were joking or not, be she agreed and typed it after the previous one. “Now, let’s end it with a precious moment between the two of you. One that he remembers, it might be anything” Jimin said.

She typed fast, her fingers running on top of the keyboard. Her eyes never left the screen, following the letters without even peaking at the keyboard to see what she was typing. She then pressed the enter key with all her strength and sat back on her chair. “And we’re done. It’s sent” she said.

The moment she said that the quiz was sent, you started trembling. You didn’t feel nervous up until that point. What if everything went downhill after this? It’s just a stupid quiz, you thought. Sure, the quiz was stupid, but your crush wasn’t. You were worried that once Dongyuck sees the quiz, he’ll start seeing you differently. You were only hoping that this differently didn’t mean negative, because if it did, your entire relationship with him would change. And you didn’t want to lose such an important person in your life over a not-so-stupid crush.

You didn’t see Donghyuck on campus the next day. You were sure about it because ever since Jimin sent him the confession quiz, he hasn’t left your mind. You kept looking for him everywhere but not because you wanted to see him. It was rather the opposite. You knew that if you saw his face after knowing that you had confessed to him, you wouldn’t be able to utter a single word. You avoided him.

You had to thank him, though, for making your job easier. Not a single sight of him on campus for the entire day. Good news.

But the bad news was that he didn’t text you throughout the day at all, which was odd. He would usually ask to meet at the park, or just text you about not anything of importance. But there was no sign of him that day.

A lot of thoughts formed in your mind at the same time. In the worst case scenario, there was something wrong with him. In the best case scenario, he felt way too awkward because of the confession quiz and he didn’t want to do anything with you. You couldn’t explain how this was the best case scenario, but you were worried sick about him. So you hoped for the latter.

You didn’t want to text him or call him though. You wanted to avoid him, right? Your current behavior didn’t match the confidence you had a couple days ago. It felt like you were more intimate with him now, you had exposed a piece of your inner self and you were scared that your actions would make him feel uncomfortable.

Yet, you decided to give him time. You wanted to wait for his response. Whatever it would be. You thought that your confession would help you ease your mind, but you’ve been thinking about him even more now. What if he didn’t feel the same? Of course, you would respect his feelings. You can’t force people to like you, or love you. But deep down, you knew it would hurt. You would still continue to love him even if he didn’t love you back. You cannot turn on and off feelings like a light switch. Loving him took a long time and getting over him would take even longer. You didn’t want to get over him. You probably couldn’t. So you wanted to keep loving him and hoped that maybe, there was a slight chance that he would love you back.

However, you didn’t see Donghyuck on campus the day after that either. But this time, you didn’t know if it was because you were avoiding him or because he just didn’t come to any of his classes.

Worry washed over you when neither Yangyang or Jimin had heard of him. “I thought he would be talking with you” Yangyang told you. Yeah, you thought the same thing.

After your classes ended for the day, you decided to go by his dorm and see him in person. You still felt like avoiding him but you didn’t have another choice at this point. You wanted to see him.

You put on your earphones and let the music keep you company while walking. Your heart rate was slowly increasing with each step you took, but you couldn’t explain if it was because you felt anxious or because your heart followed the beat of the music.

After listening to a couple of songs, you found yourself standing right outside Donghyuck’s dorm door. Taking off your earphones, you stood there still, waiting. You raised your arm hesitantly, knuckles touching the wooden surface of the door. You slightly pulled your hand away from the door and then your knuckles touched the door again.

Knock. Knock.

You drew a step back, arm falling to your side. And you waited.

One, two, three, four, five, si-

Donghyuck appeared behind the door, wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a t-shirt, hair messy and eyes droopy.

“Hi, um, sorry d-did I wake you up?” you said.

“Um, no it’s fine, uh, is there something wrong?” Donghyuck said, rubbing his eye with his fingers.

And then you noticed the flush color painting his cheeks and the way he kept his eyes on the ground, not trying to maintain eye contact.

“I was just worried, you know? We haven’t seen you in two days and I just wanted to see if you-“

“I’m fine Y/n, there’s nothing to worry about, now please, I was in the middle of something so, uh, I’ll see you later, bye” Donghyuck interrupted you and closed the door right in your face, without even sparing you a glance.

What was this all about? Why was he acting like this?

You blinked away the tears that were forming in the corners of your eyes and walked away.

“Girl, you’re not the one avoiding him, he’s the one avoiding you!” Jimin said, munching on a cheeseburger.

She swallowed her bite and spoke again. “What I think is, he’s in love with you too, but he’s an even bigger coward than I thought he was. I believe he got so flustered by the quiz we sent him, but don’t worry, he’ll come to his senses sooner or later.”

You rested your head on your palm and sighed heavily. “I don’t know Jiminie, his behavior is so confusing lately. I kinda regret sending him that quiz”.

“Uh oh, don’t say that again. You confessed and well done for that, so now it’s up to him to decide how the relationship between you two will go. Don’t blame yourself for how a man thinks. You never know what goes on inside those pea sized brains of theirs” Jimin said.

“So you say that he’s ignoring me because he likes me back?” you asked, a question which was addressed more to yourself.

“That's exactly what I’m saying,” Jimin said. “I mean, he couldn’t even look at you and his cheeks were all blushy and stuff? Girl, do we see the same things? Because this clearly shows he has lost his shit over you.”

You remained silent for a while, leaving Jimin to eat her cheeseburger in peace and allowing yourself to sort all of your thoughts that were scrambled inside your mind. Maybe she was right. Again. Her intuition regarding people’s feelings and behaviors is remarkable. She always left you wondering how she could be so good at reading other people.

You thought you were good at it too, until this boy named Lee Donghyuck came into your life. It wasn't that hard to understand him as a little boy, but now that you’re all adults, it seems like he has built walls around his heart and it’s not easy to read him anymore. The problem was that you didn’t know why he did this. He used to allow himself to be open and vulnerable with you. At least you thought so.

Now you are left wondering what’s in his mind and what is it that makes him act this way. Was the quiz that awkward? Did he see you in a different way now?

Questions like this kept messing with you and you wished you could unsend that quiz if it were to prevent this outcome. But you decided to give him a little bit more time. You were friends after all, right? Friends always come back to each other, no matter what. Right?

The next couple of days Donghyuck had been ignoring you still. Jimin said there was no point in feeling sad about it and that he would just snap one moment and realize what an asshole he was.

You hadn’t told Yangyang about any of that. He had mentioned the quiz once, asking you something like how you made it and what you wrote exactly, but nothing more specific about Donghyuck. So you decided to let it go, he wouldn’t understand anyway.

You were sitting at the park alone, leaning against a tree while watching the sun slowly hiding behind the hill, waiting for the moon to rise and take its place in the sky. The cheerful screams of little kids were gradually fading away and the park was becoming quieter, the only sound interrupting the silence from time to time was the barking of dogs.

You felt peaceful. You found a moment in time to have for yourself, a small escape from all of last week’s dramatic events. You breathed in the fresh air, you let your body relax and your mind roam around the scenery of nature in front of you.

This inner serenity didn’t last long though. Your phone chimed in your pocket and the screen lit up, the intense brightness hurting your eyes due to the contrast with the now darker sky.

You lowered the brightness in order to take a better look at the text on your screen. You squinted your eyes a bit further, this time not because of the brightness.

[Hyuck]

i really need to talk to you

it’s important

you know where to find me

i’m at your favorite place

You kept rereading Donghyuck’s texts over and over. So he ignores me for days and now all of a sudden he wants us to meet and he puzzles me with a riddle? What the hell?

You turned off your phone and stared blankly in front of you, trying to think of what place Donghyuck was talking about. You didn’t even care about what he wanted to tell you. You had to find him first.

The gears inside your brain got to work, spinning quickly and digging through your memories to help you find the answer. But you were already in your favorite place. The park. At least it was your favorite at the moment. So if he were at the park, where could he be? You would be able to see him by now.

The gears in your brain suddenly stopped moving and the light bulb shone brightly above your head. You knew exactly where he was. And it wasn’t the park. You grabbed your things quickly and rushed out of the park, heading towards the place you could never imagine that you’ll ever see again.

You had been walking for only ten minutes and your legs were hurting and started feeling wobbly. The one time you actually needed your bike, you didn’t have it. A sigh left your lips and you continued walking, looking at your phone from time to time in case Donghyuck texted you something else or called you.

You could tell that you were almost there by the red and gold lighting attacking your eyes, contrasting with the darkness of your surroundings. You squinted your eyes as a reaction to the sudden appearance of light, walking towards the source of red and gold. The smell of butter popcorn lured you in and that’s how you knew you were at the exact place you needed to be.

You stood under the bright sign, the same white balloons climbing up the pillars on each side of the gate, confetti sprinkled and glued in between them, fairy lights trailing upwards to the glowing sign. ‘Welcome to Dreamland’.

You stood in awe. You never thought you would visit this place again. It's been years since the last time you visited the amusement park and it felt strange yet so familiar sitting there, looking at the place that felt like your childhood home.

Your eyes were roaming around and you just stood still, not moving a single step further. For a moment, you had forgotten the reason why you were there in the first place.

The scent of the familiar cologne was roaming in the air, snapping you out of your thoughts. Donghyuck cleared his throat and you turned around to face him.

He looked beautiful. The lights of the amusement park were reflecting in his eyes, his hair fell softly covering his forehead, his plump lips curved upwards to a smile.

You noticed that he held his arms behind his back, but you didn’t question it. You just stared right into his eyes, just like he stared into yours. “Hi” he said, his voice blurred among the music and random screams from little kids running around the amusement park.

“Hi” you greeted him back, and then both of you remained silent, looking at each other. Your eyes started stinging from keeping them open for a long time, so you lowered your gaze to your feet.

Donghyuck sensed the awkwardness and cleared his throat again before he spoke up. “I’m sorry, Y/n” he said.

Your head jolted up at the sound of his honey voice and your gaze locked in with his. You parted your lips to speak, but he beat you to it. “I’m sorry. I know my behavior was shit. I was an asshole. I was ignoring you when I shouldn’t. I’m surprised that you came to see me after the way I treated you. So thank you" he said.

You didn’t want to speak. You didn’t have the courage to do so, but you also didn’t know what to tell him. Instead, you waited for him to continue talking.

Donghyuck’s gaze shifted from your eyes to other places around him and he pursed his lips. “You know, I received that quiz you sent me” he trailed off.

You gulped at the mention of the quiz and suddenly your heartbeat picked up a pace so fast that was probably beyond human.

“I didn’t-” Donghyuck started, “I didn’t send it back to you because I wanted to answer it now, with you here” he said.

You found yourself incapable of speaking at that moment. You simply nodded and diverted your gaze back to your feet.

“Please look at me Y/n” Donghyuck said and you froze, slowly lifting your head to see him looking directly at you. You could tell he was nervous by the way he inhaled sharply and the soft red color that painted his cheeks.

“I didn’t know you felt this way about me,” he started, “so when I saw that quiz I was so troubled. Maybe you were obvious with it, maybe not, but what’s certain is that I was too nervous around you to even notice anything.”

You tried to process his words and come to a conclusion. Everything that came out of his mouth didn’t make sense to you. Why would he be nervous around me?

Donghyuck gulped and continued. “Do you remember how we met?” he asked, but the question was mostly addressed to himself rather than you. You smiled at the memory. How could you forget such a pretty boy?

“It was here, this exact place. We were both running, we bumped into each other, fell down and then dropped your cotton candy” he said and started laughing. You did the same.

“And then we became friends. Inseparable friends. You have always been the sweetest friend I’ve ever had. You are kind, funny, you make me feel comfortable, you’re always there for me even though I behave so shitty sometimes” he said.

“And you’re so beautiful. I find myself staring at you when you’re looking away and I just ask myself how can a person be this beautiful” he said, his voice getting gradually quieter, just a little bit louder than a whisper.

“Do you know why I stopped contacting you when I left?” Donghyuck asked, this time the question addressed to you.

You cleared your throat before speaking, voice barely audible. “No.” It was the first time you spoke after greeting him.

Donghyuck shifted a bit, balancing his weight on one leg. “Because I liked you so much I couldn’t bear talking to you, knowing that I wasn’t able to see you, touch you and tell you how much I missed you” he said. “I thought that maybe, if I didn’t talk to you again, maybe it would hurt less than it did.”

You felt your lips drying, eyes widening upon hearing these words. This can’t be real. Yes, you wanted him to like you back, but you never expected it to be true. Even if you believed in a slight chance that he might like you back, it never occurred to you that it might actually be true.

“Hyuck, what are you talking about?” you asked him, not believing a single word he was saying.

“I’m talking about how much I like you, Y/n. Fuck, I might even be in love with you. I don’t know, I always get this weird feeling around you and I can’t get it to stop! I keep thinking about you and how I want to be able to kiss you without finding excuses with these stupid spin the bottle games! I like you so fucking much Y/n, I don’t know how to act.”

You stood still, frozen. So this is really happening, you thought. All this time you were worried about your feelings for Donghyuck when he was feeling the exact same way towards you. Your heart fluttered to the sound of his confession and you felt like smiling so hard until your cheeks hurt.

“Please say something Y/n” Donghyuck whispered. You didn’t say anything though. You didn’t have to. Instead, you took a couple steps further and stood right in front of him, placing your hands on each side of his neck, smacking your lips onto his.

He responded immediately, parting his lips slightly to kiss you back. He removed one arm from behind his back to cup your cheek with his hand and he kissed you gently and genuinely.

The knot in your stomach was untied, releasing the butterflies it had been holding in for so long. Donghyuck’s plump lips moved in sync with yours, his soft touch on your cheek sending streaks of warmth down your entire body.

You slowly pulled back to catch your breath, looking at him in his eyes, both of you smiling as hard as ever. “Of course I like you too, dumbass. I’ve liked you ever since I met you.” You said and Donghyuck smiled even harder than before, if it was even possible.

You removed your hands from his neck, dropping them to your side. “What is behind your back?” you asked him eagerly.

Donghyuck dropped his hand from your cheek too and brought his other arm from behind his back, only to reveal a stick of fluffy pink cotton candy.

Your eyes widened at the sight. It was the last thing you expected to see.

“You know, I promised to buy you one because I had dropped it when we bumped into each other, but I never had the chance to do that, so...” Dongyuck said and you slammed your body into his arms, grinning hard and laughing.

You squeezed him tightly and he returned your embrace, wrapping his arms around your waist, his head finding its way to rest in the crook of your neck.

“I think I love you, Donghyuck” you softly said in his ear.

Donghyuck’s grip on you tightened more and he breathed in. “Y/n, I know I love you” he said, just loud enough so that you and only you could hear him.

Donghyuck pulled back slightly so that he could see your face. He was still holding you tightly, as if he physically couldn’t let you go. As you were lost in the pool of honey in his eyes, he spoke with a low voice. “Do you think you’ll finally be able to beat me in bumper cars?” he said.

You laughed at his question and his smile grew wider to the sound. “No, you’re too slow. I actually pity you” you said.

Donghyuck poked the inside on his cheek with his tongue and raised his eyebrow at your answer. “Oh yeah? Let’s find out, bitchass” he said and linked his fingers with yours to guide you to the amusement park.

Just like that, your heart was full. It was right at the place it needed to be from the very beginning. It was finally home.

The doorbell chimed behind you and a chill breeze entered the inside of the diner for a brief second. You didn’t have to turn your head to realize that a group of high school kids entered the diner, their voices were too loud and annoying. You rolled your eyes and popped a french fry into your mouth.

It’s been about two weeks since you and Donghyuck made it official. You agreed to start a relationship that very night you confessed to each other outside the amusement park. Donghyuck only agreed to go out with you if he won three consecutive races at the bumper cars ride. Turns out you ended up crashing his car in every single round, but Donghyuck kept on saying that he didn’t really mean what he said and kissed you into agreeing to go on another date with him.

You were happy. Ever since you started dating, you found yourself enjoying the time you spent with Donghyuck even more than you did before. It’s not that many things changed, it was mostly the same things you used to do. The only difference was that neither of you was afraid to express their true feelings anymore.

You and Donghyuck were sitting next to each other at the diner booth. Donghyuck had his arm wrapped around your shoulder, while he used his other arm to grab french fries from the bowl on your table. You agreed to buy just one bowl of french fries to ease your appetite before you ordered your actual meals.

Donghyuck was talking to you about the drive-in cinema that will start working again next week. He said that they would be playing one of his favorite movies, so he practically begged you to go with him and treat it as a date as well.

“What are you guys talking about?” you heard Jimin’s voice and you looked up to see that she had just arrived with Yangyang standing there next to her.

“Oh hey guys, we didn’t hear you entering. I was telling Y/n about the drive-in, it’ll be open again next week. Wanna go-wait-” Donghyuck started saying, but he cut himself off when he noticed that Yangyang was holding Jimin’s hand.

“Dude what?” Donghyuck asked again and you sat there staring at your friends with eyes wide open. Jimin and Yangyang were grinning at your and Donghyuck’s reactions, before they went to sit on the booth opposite of yours.

“Yup, it is exactly what you think it is. Now, what were you saying about the drive-in?” Yangyang casually joined in the conversation without addressing the matter that clearly needed to be addressed.

“Jimin, why didn’t you tell me about this? How long have you guys been going out?” you said smiling at your friends.

“Not that long, just a few days after you guys. See, I was going to tell you about it Y/n, but Yangyang thought it would be funnier if we just showed up one random day like this and let you guys figure it out on your own” Jimin said and Yangyang kissed her forehead before wrapping his arm around her shoulder.

“Yeah, turns out that stupid quiz you girls thought of works wonders” Yangyang said and popped one french fry that he stole from the bowl.

“Wait, Yangyang, you were the one to send Jimin the quiz? Oh how the tables turn” you said and he waved you off.

You weren’t even the slightest bit surprised that Yangyang and Jimin were dating now. Honestly, it was quite obvious that there was something going on between them, but both of them were way too stubborn to admit it. Was it that way with you and Donghyuck too?

The four of you spent time at the diner that night. The feeling of being carefree and relaxed around your friends reminded you of the time you used to spend all together back in high school. It really felt as if you never lost touch with one another, everything was back to normal. Except this time, your heart felt at ease too.

It was getting quite late and the diner was almost empty now. The four of you didn’t really have the heart to check the time and make a move to get up and leave, you were having way too much time to just call it a night.

You had now ordered a second round of drinks, non-alcoholic though because none of you was really that good at staying sober. Instead, you just stuck with fizzy drinks and sodas.

Yangyang emptied out his second bottle of coke before he slammed it on the table. He licked his lips and sighed. “Wow, this was a good one” he said. But this wasn’t the only thing he had in mind. You could tell by the smugness of his expression.

Yangyang smirked and then lifted his head to flash one of his signature wide grins. “I don’t wanna go home yet, guys. So, who’s up for a game of spin the bottle?” he asked.

Jimin kicked his leg under the table, Donghyuck sat up and smacked him in the head and you stretched your arm to pinch his nose. The four of you burst out laughing, thinking about how things would have turned out if it wasn’t for Yangyang’s stupid ideas.

TAGS: @matchahyuck @peachjaem00 @hyuckieslove @bbyyhyuck @vdollys @positionslab @renjun-fairy @back2jisung @xxxx-23nct @jisungxident @smwhrinthehaze @tgnctzen131 @ridinhyuck @comfzo @daincty @aquamxrina @cas104 @annenakamura @jellymoonbear @nmyarhs @wakasays @hiraarri @myst-03 @meltinghershey @sundamariis @milkpier @kookiedesi @yipyipmorals @yvnjin-s @liliansun @peachyarpakka @06hee @cacaubs @emptynote @hyuckjensung @nanasfavenctzen @hearteyes4ji @the-midnight-arthouse @fairiejjk @idkbrohaha @n0hyuck

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#m: haechan #u: dream #u: 127 #g: fluff #g: angst #au: college/university #au: friends to lovers #au: childhood friends #au: coming of age #t: oneshot #wc: 20k-50k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

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The Flower and The Hummingbird

—𝗉𝖺𝗂𝗋𝗂𝗇𝗀: balletdancer!jungwoo x ballerina!reader ft. bestfriend!haechan and renjun

—𝗐𝗈𝗋𝖽 𝖼𝗈𝗎𝗇𝗍: 11K

—𝗀𝖾𝗇𝗋𝖾: ballet!au, enemies to lovers, angst,

—𝗐𝖺𝗋𝗇𝗂𝗇𝗀𝗌: injuries, alcohol consumption, smoking, mentions of death, divorce, suicidal thoughts(?)

—𝗌𝗎𝗆𝗆𝖺𝗋𝗒: One night you meet one of the best dancers you’ve ever seen, but you didn’t expect him to be an idiot. You were hoping you would never see him again, when suddenly you are offered a unique opportunity that will put you on his way again.

N/A: I dont know A THING about ballet this is all fiction but all comments to correct anything are allowed.

Dance has been a big part of your life and it had such an important weight that you even dedicated yourself almost full time to it. Blood, sweat, dedication, passion and tears is what was hidden behind all the effort you had made not only you, but your family as well to get to where you were now.

Starting with recreational classes, your focused and dedicated attitude that you gave to ballet attracted offers from prestigious academies and dance companies in your town. Thus you were climbing and improving yourself until you reached the Rêvasser dance company.

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#m: jungwoo #u: 127 #g #g: angst #au: ballet #au: enemies to lovers #t: oneshot #wc: 10k-20k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

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that’s rich!

❝ word has it that yuta nakamoto is the new black. personally, i think whoever came up with that is deeply disturbed. ❞

PAIRING ▸ yuta nakamoto x fem!reader (ft. wong yukhei)

GENRES ▸ slow burn, smut, crack, fluff, angst, college au, enemies to lovers, summer romance au, mutual pining

WARNINGS ▸ reader is super shallow at first but !! character development, mentions of family issues, sexual tension, love triangle, yuta and reader bickering all the time, teasing, sneaking around, corruption kink, yuta calls you princess and kitten, fingering, overstimulation, exhibitionism, oral (fem. receiving), i promise it’s fluffy after the angst

SUMMARY ▸ despite having everything in the palm of your hand, you soon realized that not everything could be won over by money and your jaw-dropping looks. unfortunately, you had to come to that conclusion when your birthday present was the bane of your existence, yuta nakamoto.

PLAYLIST ▸ here!

WORD COUNT ▸ 27739 words

AUTHOR’S NOTE ▸ i’m so sorry for the wait but it’s here !! thank you so much for your support on this series, it always makes my heart swell to see the love it gets! part of the dunk shot! series but it can be read separately ♡

DIAMONDS WERE A GIRL’S BEST FRIEND, BUT LEE TAEYONG WAS YOURS.

Sometimes, you wished your father sent you off to an elite private university, but you supposed a public university wasn’t too bad when you found the right crowd. The issue for you was that you simply couldn’t relate to the people around you. There was no right crowd when you were a pearl among stones. It wasn’t like you were classist or anything, but public school students just didn’t suit your taste.

Although, Taeyong was an exception to that. You weren’t just settling for him as your best friend because he was all you had, but maybe somewhere deep down in your tiny, diamond-encrusted heart was a space for Lee Taeyong. He had been your rock since high school, after all.

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#m: yuta #u: 127 #g: slowburn #g: smut #g: humor #g: fluff #g: angst #au: college/university #au: enemies to lovers #au: summer romance #au: mutual pining #t: oneshot #wc: 20k-50k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

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hooked on the feeling

❝ you know, i don’t usually get girls falling all over me like this. ❞

PAIRING ▸ lee taeyong x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ fluff, crack, meet-cute au, strangers to lovers, college au, mutual pining

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, lots of !! fluff !! and ft. giselle and ten being your annoying best friends, making out, minor suggestive content

SUMMARY ▸ in five minutes, you’re about to ride the disco pang-pang that you’ve been dreading. that’s plenty of time for you to admire the attractive biology major from your university that you wish you can pluck up the courage to talk to. luckily (or unfortunately), you end up falling right into the lap of lee taeyong.

PLAYLIST ▸ love me like that by sam kim • my treasure by treasure

WORD COUNT ▸ 4612 words

TAG LIST ▸ @leeknowsredeyeliner @wownajaemin @geniejunn @huangberryyy @halbae

AUTHOR’S NOTE ▸ hello !! this is for @notnctu’s beginnings collab! please check out the other author’s works as well !! note: this is a disco pang-pang if you didn’t know >:) and thank you so much for inviting me to this collab, joyce! i adore you so much and wish you the best. i’m so glad to have met you and make sure you keep in touch every so often !! ♡

YOU WERE A NERVOUS WRECK.

Ten and Giselle were so adamant on riding a Disco Pang-Pang ever since they saw a TikTok about it, but you were not interested in potentially falling all over a bunch of strangers. Ten, on the other hand, was ready to see you eat shit. He had an iron grip, and you knew he was going to be recording you and Giselle humiliating yourselves.

Your friends had dragged you all the way to an amusement park just for the ride, but you were able to convince them to put it off until the end. For the entire day, you were trying to convince yourself the ride was harmless, but you had seen far too many TikToks, and you didn’t want to end up being the laughingstock of one. These were rides that you found fun to watch on a screen, but you weren’t very happy about going on one. Plus, you were already feeling queasy from the last few roller coasters, so a ride that spun you around didn’t sound too appealing.

In a measly five minutes, you would be riding the human death trap, clinging on like nothing else mattered and fighting to keep your lunch down. You could hear the ride’s operator shouting over the 1980s playlist he had running. He was sending people hurtling across the floor while laughing at their misery.

Nevertheless, you steeled your nerves. One little ride wasn’t going to take you out. You were determined to hold on for dear life and brave through the experience.

Of course, all this bravado fizzled away once you realized you were going to be part of the next batch of riders.

“Y/N, you look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Giselle pointed out.

“Not yet,” you replied, dazed. “After this, though, I’m gonna be seeing many ghosts.”

Keep reading

#m: taeyong #u: 127 #g: fluff #g: humor #au: meet cute #au: strangers to lovers #au: college/university #au: mutual pining #t: oneshot #wc: 1k-5k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

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off the record

❝ go ahead and ask your questions, but i want you to ride my thigh while you do. ❞

PAIRING ▸ johnny suh x fem!reader

GENRES ▸ smut, fluff, crack, college au, sports au, journalist au, fuckbuddies to lovers

WARNINGS ▸ profanity, sexual tension, lots of teasing and flirty banter, smut (this is so self indulgent), dirty talk, oral sex (fem. receiving), squirting, orgasm denial, praise, kinda degradation, thigh riding, fingering, sex in front of a mirror, steamy scene in a shower, johnny is actually very soft, alcohol consumption, mentions of drugs, ft. annoying best friends chenle, jisung, and mark

SUMMARY ▸ when you get the biggest scoop on one of the sports teams, you’re determined to get in on the front page of the school newspaper. unfortunately, your only lead is the basketball team’s captain, johnny suh, and not only is he a tough nut to crack, but he’s also a little too good at distracting you.

PLAYLIST ▸ good intentions by rini • thinkin bout you by katie

WORD COUNT ▸ 12737 words

TAG LIST ▸ @leeknowsredeyeliner @geniejunn @huangberryyy @greasywall @sehunniepot @yasmini24 @gomjohnny @vantxx95 @jenoxygen @wasssuhjohnny @sadgirlroo @commentgirl @dreamycomets @sokkigarden @nohuyck @epiphany-beom @nachotequilaqueso @chitaphrrrr (+ dunk shot! tag list at the end)

AUTHOR’S NOTE ▸ thank you so much for supporting this series !! this one took a while but it was so fun to write. part of the dunk shot! series but it can be read separately ♡ hope you enjoy !!

ACCORDING TO SOCRATES, YOU WERE POISON TO A STUDENT ATHLETE.

The so-called Socrates in question, named Zhong Chenle, had once told you that if he wasn’t your best friend, he would hate your guts. In the sports world, jocks and journalists didn’t seem to get along very well. Flattered, you responded to your dear friend with your middle finger.

Chenle considered himself real smart, even going as far as to compare himself to one of the greatest philosophers (hence, the nickname Socrates you deemed upon him). Yet, with this vast amount of supposed intelligence, your best friend still couldn’t seem to figure out why you were hovering around Johnny Suh like a fruit fly.

“He knows about the steroid scandal,” you explained calmly. “I just want to find out what he’s hiding.”

Zhong Chenle’s brain decided to translate this into: “I am madly in love with Johnny Suh,” so now, your stupid best friend was convinced that you had the biggest crush on the basketball team’s captain.

Keep reading

#m: johnny #u: 127 #g: smut #g: fluff #g: humor #au: college/university #au: sports #au: journalist #au: fwb #t: oneshot #wc: 10k-20k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

Text

sunshine

pairing: merman!jeno x reader (she/her)

summary: Moving back to the town known for it's cruse of letting fisherman disappear from the ocean isn't the best idea - accoring to your parents. But they don't understand. They don't understand that for five years you lived without knowing if the encounter you had with a strange boy with a fishtail was real. They don't understand that your heart is calling for him.

words: 21.3k

story colour: silver

note: This story is so different from everything I've written so far. And I can say with my whole heart that I'm proud of this. Everyone close to me had to witness the mess I've been while writing this. The excitment, frustration and impatience I had while working on this. I really hope you enjoy this story as much as I enjoyed writing it. Remember to always treat people with kidness!🪽

(Also enjoy the little special guest appearing in this story)

masterlist of ‘nct dream as supernatural creatures’

It feels like ages since you last been here.

The place you grew up in. The place you spent your childhood in. All your favorite memories happened in this very town.

A small seaside town south of the pacific ocean. It’s fairly known for its high fish rate. Fisher all over the world visit this town to see for themselves the wonder it promises. But as many fishers as you gain, as many you also lose as well. While the town is known for its wonders, it is also known for its curse. Many people sailing the sea around the town have mysteriously gone missing, only their boat returning safely to the shore. At first every time this happened, people would search day after day for the missing person, but after many of those incidents, people stopped. Now only a bitter taste lingers whenever an empty boat washes up on the shore.

Shortly before your parents decided to move away from the town you once called your home, a nine-year-old girl went missing. She vanished after going into the sea for a swim. She was just four years younger than you. Everyone in town was in shock, mourning over the young life that was taken that day.

So, it makes sense why your parents and friends questioned your decision to go back to the very same town you moved away from. The very same town your parents started to get scared of.

You could just say it’s the sea you miss. The smell of saltwater engulfing you. The melody of the waves crashing against the sand, hypnotizing everyone that spends just a few minutes watching it. You could say it’s the people greeting you every day, asking about your well-being, and offering you fresh fruits to try. The genuine care the people show and the fun little events they plan. You could say you miss the friends you grew up with, not having talked to them in five years and wanting to know what happened to them. Get in on the five-year worth gossip you missed. You could say you miss the person you once were back when you were 13, craving to seek what you lost and once had. But that would all be a lie.

The answer is very simple. You are going back because the town is calling you. Well, not the town itself, more someone else. It’s him calling you.

When you step foot outside the little apartment you moved in a few hours ago, you are immediately greeted with the fresh breeze of the coastal town. Salt lingers in the air, and you can hear seagulls squawking as they fly over the water. A familiar feeling washes over you, the very same you felt as a child. It makes you stop with your eyes closed, taking in the nostalgia that engulfs you. You can get used to this again. How your muscles loosen up and every doubt you felt, every hardship you had over the past months, it all fades away almost instantly. It’s like you are ten years old again, running through the small streets, chasing the wind, and filling the town with your joyous laughter.

But before you stand still on the same spot for any longer, you decide to walk around the town, intrigued by what has changed in the five years that you’ve been away.

And you notice pretty quickly that nothing really changed. Yes, the people grew older. The apple lady has more wrinkles on her phase and old creepy Mike can barely walk anymore, but the town still looks the same. You still find the graffiti at the back of the fish museum – yes, the chairman of the town insisted on making one to honor the towns trademark - was still there, looking exactly as worn out as it did before you left. The little bakery still has tape sticking over the hole a teenager smashed into the window when you were nine. You guess that they either don’t have the money or time to fix it and work well enough with the tape. The water dispenser still stands at the exact same place, a bit rustier than you have it in mind, seeming that still no one uses it. You remember your mother telling you how many germs there are on it, and it made you stay five feet apart from it ever since. You also saw one kid turning it on and tripping over as the force of the water splashed right into their face.

But most importantly, you walk by the small garden that was built further away from the town center. It was made by the Na’s who own the local flower shop. Ever since you discovered it, is has been your favorite place. You remember how you used to always come here whenever your parents gave you a hard time at home. And as you enter the small area, you can’t fight the small smile that makes its way to your lips.

The garden is filled with flowers of all kind and colors. Butterflies, bees and other small animals fly around, taking place on the beautiful flowers. A magpie flies by you and into the tree where its nest is, feeding its baby with worms they just found. You can’t help but to stare at the scenery in front of you, silently thanking the Na’s for still taking care of this place and putting their time into making it look like you stepped into another world.

You wish you could stay here all day, watching the different animals and basking in the comfort you get from this place, but the rumble of your stomach changes your mind. It reminds you that you haven’t eaten anything besides a chocolate bar, too nervous about your arrival in your hometown. So, you go to the only place you’ve trusted with your food ever since you were a child.

“Dream Team” the bakery with the smashed in window owned by the Lee family. When it comes to bread, cakes, and pastries, no one beats the Lee’s. Not even the bakeries in the city you moved to. But maybe it is just because you are biased. Mark Lee, the son of the owners, was your best friend growing up. Your ride or die. Someone you thought you would never lose. Well, everything changed when you moved.

A part of you is scared about seeing him again, dreading his reaction upon your arrival. But another part is beaming with excitement, wanting desperately to see what happened to the once awkward and shy boy.

Without further hesitation, you open the door to the little bakery and step in. And almost immediately you are greeted with the smell of freshly baked goods. Bread, cakes, doughnuts and most importantly their famous cherry pie. You haven’t had a piece of it in five years and admitting it, you missed it a lot. No matter to which bakery you went and tried cherry pie, nothing could compete with the one the Lee’s bake.

The little bakery still looks the same. They still have the same tables that you and Mark used to write hidden messages underneath and the bright orange chair standing around them. You remember buying those chairs with the Lee’s when they first opened the bakery. You found them at a thrift store a few hours from here. Mark’s mom fell in love with them the second she saw them. Saying something about how they will bring contrast into the little bakery, making people stop and stare. And that’s exactly what happened. Everyone talked about those chairs, and they became the number one attraction of the ‘Dream Team’.

Walking further in, you see the small picture frame hanging on the brick walls and it wrenches your heart. They kept the picture of you and Mark baking your first cake when you were five. It’s one of your fondest moments. You had just met Mark two days prior in the kindergarten. You always thought he was weird, not talking to anyone and mostly keeping to himself. But your mom explained to you that the little boy just moved here from Canada with his parents and that he was probably just too shy to make friends. So, you made it your task to become friends with the strange boy. You can still remember the way his eyes lit up the moment you talked to him, like he has been waiting for someone to finally approach him. And when he showed you his Pokémon card collection, you knew this friendship would last forever.

Apparently forever is a short time. Because when you moved, it only took two months for the two of you to lose contact with each other. Busy with life and responsibilities. You having to adapt to a new town, a new school and struggling to make friends. And him, well, you don’t know what happened to him. Or why he stopped responding to your calls and messages. You just hope it wasn’t something bad, or that you did something to scare him away.

“Y/N?”, you hear a voice calling out for you. Turning around you see a young man standing in the door frame of the bakery. And it takes you a second to recognize who he really is.

“Mark? Is that you?” Letting go of the things he is holding in his hands, Mark runs over to you and immediately engulfs you into a tight hug, spinning you around in circles.

Joyous laughter fills the small space. “Is that really you? Or am I just imagining all this?”

A chuckle falls from your lips, as Mark sets you down to the ground again, giving you the chance to take a good look at him for the first time in years.

He looks different, but the same. He still has his boyish smile and big doe eyes, but his features matured. Showing that he isn’t the little awkward boy anymore, but a grown man. It’s weird seeing him like this again, so used to the picture of him that is still burned in your memories.

“You’re not imagining anything. I’m really here.”

Mark smiles brightly at you, taking you in a good look at you. You have changed as well, puberty making itself noticeable on your body.

“Damn.”, Mark says, his voice a lot deeper than you have imagined it to be. “You look so good. What happened to you?”

You have to laugh at that, punching his shoulder playfully. “What a charmer. But you too Mark. You look so grown, it’s crazy.”

“Yeah, puberty.”, he smiles, being almost unable to take his eyes off you. Somehow Mark still cannot believe that you’re really standing here in front of him after all those years. He has already given up on the thought of seeing his childhood best friend ever again. But here you are, in your full glory. “But what are you doing here? Are you visiting?”

“No, not visiting. I came back, permanently.”

“What?”, the boy in front of you asks in disbelief. “But why? Didn’t you like it in your new town?”

“I did like it there. But that’s not the reason I came back.” It’s not even a lie. You really did like it in the town you moved to, but somehow no matter what you did and what you changed, it never felt like home. It was never a place you wanted to grow up in or build a life in. So, you had to come back to the only place you felt like a connection to. The place that changed your life with just one incident. “I just missed my home. My real home. And I missed you. God, I missed you so much Mark.”

Mark can’t help but to pull you into another hug. “I missed you too, Sunshine.” You smile at the nickname, wrapping your arms around tighter around him. No one has called you that since you moved, and you missed it. Sunshine is the nickname Mark’s father gave you when you were nine. He said that whenever you enter a room the sun shines brighter, like it senses the presence of someone pure hearted. He called you the happy pill since you loved to make the people around the town smile. Helping them with their tasks, gifting the children your old play toys and always wearing a smile yourself. The nickname got carried around and after a while everyone called you sunshine.

“Mark Lee. What have I told you about leaving your things at the entrance? The customers won’t even be able to get in and-“, Mark’s mother stops scolding Mark as her eyes land on the two of you. She hesitates for a second, thinking her eyes are betraying her.

“Y/N, dear? Is that really you?” You let go of Mark, walking over to Mark’s mom.

“Yes, it’s me. How have you been doing?”

You can see tears forming in her eyes, as she sets the flowers in her hand down and wraps her arms around you. “How I have been doing? God, Y/N, how have you been doing? We haven’t seen each other in so long.”

Tears stream down the older woman’s face and you can’t help but to let one or two slip yourself. “I’ve been good. Stressed from graduating, but good none of the less. And you?”

“I’m so much better now that I’ve seen you.” You huff out a laugh, letting her go to wipe the tears from your face. “Look at you. You are the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen.”

Redness fills your cheeks as you scoff from embarrassment. Marks’ mom always knew what to say to make you feel like her words are actually true. She was one of the people helping you in the process of self-love. “You always know how to boost my confidence.”

You’ve always had a good relationship with Mark’s parents. They loved you the minute Mark introduced you to them in kindergarten, glad that their little boy finally made a friend. Especially his mom loved you. Not having a daughter herself, she treated you like the daughter she never had. Girls’ days filled with doing each other’s hair and nails. Weekly meet ups to talk about boys, discuss the problems only women understand. She was like a mother to you and seeing her again after such a long time, makes you realize how much you really missed her.

“You must be starving from coming here all the way. Sit down. I will get you a plate of cherry pie.” You smile at the mention of your favorite pie, hearing your belly grumble in cheer of finally getting something to eat. Turning around to find a table to sit on, you see Mark secretly wiping away a stray tear himself.

You sit down at one of the tables, relishing the familiar feeling you have in the presence of the Lee’s. It’s comforting, knowing you are at a place where you can be yourself. A place you are loved and appreciated at.

“You know what?”, Mark says, sitting down beside you. “This is the table we used to always write stuff on.”

“Really?”, you exclaim, already bending down to look at the underside of the table. Seeing all the little doodles you made all those years ago. From deformed dogs to funny words and friendship declarations.

“Don’t think I’ve never noticed your little drawings.”, Mark’s mom says as she puts your plate with pie down at the table. You and Mark sit up straight again, giving each other a busted look. “I clean those tables every day. But I couldn’t bare to wipe them away. If it weren’t for me spraying hair spray on them, they would be long gone.”

“Really mom? That’s so sweet of you.” Mark’s mom ruffles his hair, giving her son a sweet smile.

“I didn’t want to erase the years of friendship you have.”, she points to the pie, looking at you now. “Eat up, dear. Later I will take you two out to dinner so we can catch up some more, okay?”

Both of you nod, you already stuffing your mouth full of cherry pie and Mark laughing at your messy face. All while Mark’s mom watches you. A soft smile on her lips, glad to see the two of you together again.

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Later that day you enter the bakery yet again, having changed out of your sweatpants into a summer dress. You see Mark cleaning the tables while his mom counts the income they made that day.

And you notice the vase of beautiful orange and yellow tulips on the register. “Those are beautiful.”, you remark as you lean closer to them, inhaling the sweet scent.

Marks’ mom looks up at you, a smile forming on her lips. “They are from ‘Flora’.”, she says, walking over to you.

“Flora? Isn’t that Jaemin’s parents’ flower shop?”

“Yes.”, Mark answers this time. “Well, it turned more into Jaemin’s store. His parents still help out a lot in the store, but Jaemin does most of the work these days.”

You nod, thinking about the just mentioned boy. Na Jaemin. You still remember the kind boy with the prettiest smile you have ever seen. How can you not remember him, when you had the biggest crush on him in middle school. You almost feel like the little girl again that blushed at the mere thought of being in the presence of Jaemin. Everyone had a crush on him at some point. He made girls and boys melt into a puddle right in front of him without even doing anything.

It's crazy how you can still vividly picture yourself standing at your locker until the bell rings just so you could get a glimpse of him. But from one to another day that changed. And suddenly the kind boy didn’t interest you anymore. Your focus was put on something totally different.

“Didn’t you have like the biggest crush on him?”, Mark asks with a teasing voice, knowing exactly what the answer to his question is. You used to always vent to Mark about your crush on Jaemin and how perfect he is. Mark would just tell you to shut it and go talk to Jaemin, completely over your constant raving.

“I mean, yeah, but that was so long ago.” The longer you think about Jaemin, the more intrigued you are to know what has happened to him. Did he change a lot? He probably did. “Is it okay if I quickly head to the flower shop and say hi to him? I just haven’t seen him in so long.”

“You’re sure it’s not for another reason?”, Mark asks, wiggling his eyebrows at you. But before you can react, his mom already nudges her elbow into his rip cage.

“Mark, stop that.”, she shakes her head at her son. “Of course, sweetheart. How about we meet at the restaurant?”

“Sounds perfect.”, you say, excitement rushing through your veins. “See you in a bit.”

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The smell of flowers variates between sweet and fruity, and musky and deep. It fills you with happiness, relaxation and calmness. You read once that the floral scent can help with anxiety and stress. Lavender and Jasmine are even said to have a sedative effect on the nervous system and can help to provide better sleep. Sticking your nose into a Boquete bursting with aromas and scents can lift the spirit and the soul. That’s why the scent of flowers is an inspiration for perfumes and beauty products. The scents can take us to other places, evoke people and create memories.

That’s why the minute you step into ‘Flora’ you feel like you spent the whole day relaxing at the beach. It feels like this is the first time you woke up from a deep slumber and you’ve never felt more alive. It feels like a fresh breeze on a hot summer day, feeling the first ray of sunshine after a long cold winter, taking a long walk in the forest and listening to the birds chirping.

You look at the different types of flowers, in all their colors, forms and sizes. You don’t even know the name of half of these flowers.

“Welcome to Flora. What can I do for you?”, a deep voice speaks up, catching your attention. As you look at the owner of the voice, your eyes almost bulge out. Na Jaemin stands behind the register, hair falling over his eyes and a bright smile on his lips, the same you remember from when you were younger. He definitely changed. He looks older, not in a bad way. Jaemin just looks more mature. His features more defined, destroying the boyish image you still had in your head. But that was not the only thing you noticed is more defined. The hot weather made Jaemin wear a white t- shirt, showing off his arms. And you guess, he must be hitting the gym regularly, because that can’t happen overnight.

“And so, we meet again, Na Jaemin.”, you greet him as you walk over to him, a sweet smile on your lips. You watch the boys’ eyes widen in recognition of you.

“Y/N?”, his voice filled with disbelief as if the last person he expected to see was you.

“Yep, in full glory.” Jaemin walks around the corner and stops right in front of you. Like Mark, not believing you are actually here and thinking his brain is playing a joke on him.

“What?”, his hands hold your shoulders, slightly shaking you to test if you’re real. “What are you doing here? I thought I would never see you again.”

“Well, as a talented poet once said, ‘Never say never.’” A scoff leaves Jaemins’ lips, shaking his head in disapproval.

“You are calling Justin Bieber a poet now? I always forget you are best friends with Mark. Dickinson would turn in his grave if he heard you say that.”

“What can I say.”, you remark between a chuckle. “Mark and I have taste.”

Looking at Jaemin, you understand why you’re ten-year-old you had a crush on him. Not only is his bare presence captivating, but he also has one of the kindest souls. Never going a day without having done something good for other people. He knew exactly what to do and say to make people swoon over him, but he never used it to his advantage. Always having the purest intentions with his actions.

“You took over your parents store?”, you ask him after some seconds of silence.

“Oh, yeah. I started working here fulltime after graduating.”

You nod as you listen to him, letting your eyes wander around the store. You haven’t been here a lot, always too nervous about the possibility of running into Jaemin. Occasionally, you went in the store with your mom when she was having trouble picking out beautiful flowers and needed your help. But other than that, you always avoided the store. And now years later, you start to regret it. The flower shop is beautiful. Not only because of the endless colorful flowers filling the space, but also because of the wooden furniture giving it a cozy touch. Soft music plays in the background and an orange cat lays on one of the unoccupied chairs, snoring from deep slumber.

“Do you like working here?”, you ask him, as you your eyes meet his again.

Jaemin nods his head, looking around the shop himself with fondness in his eyes. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted to do, and I’ve never been happier.”

You coo at him, happy that he found his place in life. “That’s wonderful to hear.”

“What about you?”, he asks you now, looking back into your eyes. “Why are you here again?” For a moment, you consider sitting down with him, telling him everything that happened over the years and everything that inspired you to come back. But you realize you have enough time to do that, not planning on leaving any time soon. So instead, you opt for a less complicated and long answer.

“It’s a long story. But I guess I just missed home and wanted to come back.”

“Well, we can always sit down and then you can tell me the longer version of your answer. How those that sound?” Another smile forms on your lips, noticing that you actually can’t stop smiling in his presence. “Sounds wonderful. You can tell me your schedule and we can figure out a day and time. I just need go now. Mark and his mom are waiting for me.”

Jaemin walks back behind the register, writing down something on a piece of paper. “Here’s my number so you can contact me.”

Taking the paper, you bid your goodbye, promising to text him as soon as you are back in your small apartment and heading to the door.

“Y/N?”, Jaemin calls out for you, making you turn back around to him, the doorknob resting in your hand. “I’m glad you’re back. We all missed you a lot.”

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You can’t wait any longer. Sitting in your apartment makes you go crazy, when you know what could be waiting for you.

After going out for dinner with the Lee’s, you spent the rest of the night in your apartment. Pacing up and down, trying to ignore the raging urge raising in your veins. The moment you arrived today you could feel the ocean calling to you. You could feel him calling to you. And while that could just be your delusional mind playing tricks on you, trying to convince you of something that probably didn’t even happen, there was a part of you that still hopes. That still believes. You are not the thirteen-year-old naïve girl anymore. You are a grown woman. A grown woman who has a sane mind.

So why are you at the very end of the beach, far away from where the people usually spend their time on the sand, shortly after midnight? To prove something to yourself? To help those sleepless nights tossing and turning and trying to find answers to the millions of questions in your head?

You sit down on the rocks that separate you from the water. No one can see you from here. So, it’s just you. You and the soft melody of the waves crashing against the shore.

“I don’t know if you can hear me.”, you start to speak up into the darkness of the night. “I don’t even know if you’re still here. I mean it’s been five years. Why would you still show up?” You lean back on your hands, closing your eyes and letting the night breeze engulf your body. “I never forgot you, you know? All those years I’ve been thinking about you. If you are doing well and what might have happened to you. You’re probably wondering where the hell I’ve been. Well, it’s a pretty long story. My parents got scared of the rumors and the fisher disappearing, so they decided to move away. Far away from here, actually. That’s why I could never visit. But I wish I had. I didn’t realize how much I missed this town until I was gone. I didn’t realize how much I missed you.”

You scoff at your own words. “Do you know how pathetic that sounds? Everyone thought I was crazy, even my own parents. No one believed me. No one believed that you were actually real. My parents told everyone that it’s just my imagination, putting the fault on my age. But I knew I didn’t imagine you. How could I? When I felt you, right under my fingertips. Even days after the incident, I could feel the softness of your skin. I just want to know, please.”, you beg, voice coming out as a bare whimper.

“Are you still there? After all these years. I’m not leaving again. This time I’m staying, Jeno.”

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The next days went by painfully slow. You visited the same place, sitting on the very same rocks and talking into the nothingness every single night. Not giving up your hopes. Your parents may have called you crazy, but they also didn’t raise a quitter. You know the truth and you will try again and again until you can finally be at ease.

You also have been meeting up more with Mark and Jaemin. Sometimes together, sometimes separately. It feels nice, having actual genuine friends again. The new friends you made in your old town couldn’t even be called friends. They never cared to invite you to meet ups, talked a lot about behind your back and spent their free time gossiping about everything that breaths. But they were the only people you had and so you learnt to tolerate them.

“I’m destroying you.”, Mark shouts as he follows the dance steps on the Tv. You don’t know what brought you into this situation. A Wii controller in your hand as you play Just Dance against Mark, while Jaemin sits on the couch. His belly aching from laughing at the two of you.

“Destroying me?”, you scoff. “Look at the score, I’m winning.” You must admit, after playing a few rounds, you’re out of breath. Your muscles are aching and your lungs collapsing, but you can’t let Mark win. The thought of having him brag about a win is fueling the fire inside you and makes you push through, despite your body’s complaints.

“You forget that you play against the master Just Dance player.”, Mark voice comes out in short breaths, showing the exhausting clearly.

“Is that why you lost two rounds against me?” Mark only rolls his eyes, ignoring your teasing comment and focusing on winning the game.

But as it comes to the last second, every move he makes gets declined, making you win with a huge head start.

“Take that Just Dance master.”

“That’s so unfair.”, he whines as he throws himself on the couch. “The Wii controller is ridged. I would have totally won.”

You roll your eyes into the glass of water you’re drinking. “Whatever makes you sleep at night.” Looking at the clock you let out a slight gasp. It’s already near midnight. “Oh god, it’s so late. I should head home.”

Another whine leaves Mark’s lips. “Why? I want a rematch. My ego can’t handle losing against you.”

“You’re like a little kid, Mark. We can play tomorrow again.” You grab your coat, putting it on so you don’t freeze from the cold night air.

“I will walk you home.”, Jaemin says, standing up as well and grabbing his own coat.

“Oh no, you don’t have to. If you want to stay, you can do that. Don’t worry about me.”

“No, it’s fine.” Jaemin shrugs his shoulders. “I have to open up the flower shop early tomorrow anyway, so it’s better if I go home as well.”

The walk to your apartment is, well, a bit awkward. While the both of you did hang out this week, it was just one time where you were actually alone. The other times with Mark by your side. But you don’t mind the silence. It’s nice, if you’re being honest. You enjoy not having to engage in forced small talk and just enjoying each other’s presence.

When you arrive in front of your apartment, Jaemin doesn’t bid you goodbye. Instead, he just stands there, seemingly like he wants to say something.

“Okay, spit it out. I can see that you want to say something.” Jaemin lets out a deep chuckle, raising a hand to brush the lose hair in front of his eyes away.

“Busted.”, he states, trying to break the tension that lingers in the air. “I just wanted to say that I’m really glad you’re back, Y/N. I know we didn’t have a lot of contact back when we were younger, but you were always a very dear person to me, and I was devastated when you moved.” Jaemin rubs the back of his neck, nervousness written all over his body. “I’m just glad to have you back.”

“Is that all you want to say.” He hesitates for a moment before nodding his head. “I’m glad to be back as well, Jaemin. Thank you for telling me that, it means a lot to me.”

Jaemin gives you another nod, before blowing out some air. “Well, I should better go. See you tomorrow, Y/N.”

That night you didn’t show up at the beach, too focused on Jaemins’ words. For some reason you have the feeling that it wasn’t everything Jaemin wanted to tell you that night. And it makes you wonder, what exactly made him so nervous around you?

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When you show up the next day, you feel the difference in the air. The waves are louder, crashing hard against the rock you’re sitting on, turning its once beautiful melody into chaos.

“I know you’re here.”, you speak up after a few minutes of silence. “I can feel you watching me, Jeno. I’m getting tired of this. Please just come out.” But as every night, you speak into the void.

“Okay, I’m leaving. I’m not in the mood to wait today.” As you get up to leave you can hear a splashing sound, louder and heavier than the waves normally make. And you know that it wasn’t a wave or a fish. You know exactly what it was.

“You weren’t here yesterday.” That voice. So familiar, but yet so strange. Sounding like dripping with honey, filling up your senses with its sweetness. Sticking onto you, and not once letting you go.

So, you turn around to look at the boy in front of you. The boy everyone told you, you imagined. The boy that has been haunting your dreams, calling for you in the ocean, having a tight grip on you. The boy that made it impossible for you to let any other guy come close to you, that made you hesitate whenever someone asked you out. And the boy that changed your life. By just one incident. Not being able to control yourself, you smile. You smile at him with relief written all over your face. This is what you’ve been waiting for. The day you couldn’t wait to come. The day you finally saw the merman, whose life you saved, again.

“Hi Jeno.”

Five years ago

Your mom always told you to be aware of the dangers that lay in the unknown. To never make rapid decisions without thinking long and hard about it. She told you to stay away from strange man on the street and only talk to people your parents already introduced you to. To never take candy from anyone you don’t know and change the side of the street when you see a white van parked close by. But your dad taught you to be kind. To smile at people on the street and greet them with a friendly hello. He told you to help when you see someone in need and never hesitate to offer to take over some chores, they aren’t able to do. To tell people kind words and take every opportunity to make someone’s day better. He told you to spread kindness all over the world, because we don’t have a lot of it anymore.

So, that’s why you hesitate as you see someone lying in the sand far away from where the visitors on the beach are, not showing any signs of being alive. It is the two different approaches on life your parents taught you, that make you stop where you’re standing and think about your options. You don’t want to get kidnapped or get into a troubled situation with a strange person. But at the same time, you want to go up to the person, see if they are still alive and help them.

As you take graduate and slow steps forward, your first worry starts to fade. You don’t see a strange man laying on the ground, but rather a young boy around your age. He’s covered in seaweed, lying face down in the sand. For a minute you think he is dead by the way he lays so still, but as you get closer, kneeling beside him, you see his back rising and falling, signaling that he is breathing. Relief washes over you, having feared that you might have to report a dead body washed up on the shore. It would be the first time.

Because of the curse creeping over your small town, it’s not an uncommon thing for people to go missing and bodies never being found. So, that would have been the first time a body was found. And you’re glad it isn’t.

Still, you kneel on the ground, not knowing what to do. Maybe you should go and tell your parents, or just any nearby adult. They probably know what’s best in this situation. But at the same time, what if it would be too late? What if you leave and when you come back the boy is either dead or even worse, gone. You can’t risk that, can you? Or maybe it’s just the fact that you don’t want to get caught here, so far away from the people on the dangerous shore with the big rocks. Your parents would ground for the rest of your life and that’s not what you want as the towns summer festival is approaching.

Reaching out a hand, you softly place it on top of the boys’ bare back, gasping as you make contact with the coldness of his skin. You shake him gently, seeing if it gets a reaction out of him, but nothing. No flinch, no fluttering of the eyes, nothing. So, you shake him harder, calling out a bunch of phrases, like ‘Hello?’ ‘Can you hear me?’ ‘Are you conscious?’. But still nothing. No reaction at all.

You look around, searching for something, anything, to get him to wake up. And as your eyes land on the salty water in front of you, you got an idea.

Standing up, you walk towards the ocean. You kneel again, forming your hands into a bowl and scooping up some water. Walking back to him, careful not to let the water drip, you do the only thing you think is left to do. You splash the water right on his face.

And almost immediately, the young boy awakens, eyes wide and mouth agape. He looks around for a few seconds, dazed and confused about where he is and how he got here. That is until his eyes land on you, looking down at him. A scream leaves his lips, and he scrambles away, trying to get into the water. But his body isn’t moving, the sand around him and the seaweed covering his body, making it hard for him to get away.

“It’s okay.”, you say with a calm voice. “I’m not here to hurt you. I just found you laying here, and I wanted to help you. You don’t have to be afraid of me.”

But that does not face the boy, he still tries to get back into the water. Crawling forward with his arms and that’s when you see it.

Something silver shimmering under the seaweed. It catches your attention immediately. Getting closer to him again, you raise your hand to push the seaweed away, gasping and backing up when you see what’s underneath.

Instead of having legs like you, the boy has a tail. A silver fish tail with scales, shimmering under the shining sun. The boy turns around to you, seeing your shocked expression. He lets out a panicked sound, wiggling around like a fish on land, which he probably is.

You watch him, shock still consuming your whole body. It’s like you can’t move anymore. Every single muscle in your body is paralyzed. And you question if this is even real. Maybe you’re just dreaming all of this and in a few seconds, you’ll wake up, relieved that it was all just in your head. You wish you could move your arm to pinch yourself, but nothing of your body is responding to you. All you can do is watch the young boy with widened eyes.

He struggles, letting out a few whines and groans before eventually giving up. He just lets his head sink down, body heaving from exhaustion.

“Are you just going to watch me struggle or help me?”, he speaks up, his voice unusually deep considering he looks so young. You shake your head, coming out of your trance before looking at his face, which was now turned to you. “And it’s rude to stare at someone’s tail, you know?”

You raise your eyebrows at him, not believing the situation that’s happening to you. Is a fish really talking to you? Well, maybe half fish. While his lower body is a fish tail, his upper body still looks human.

“So, you’re just going to let me die?”, he scoffs, rolling his eyes at you. “Great, this is not how I imagined my last day alive to be.”

“Die?”, you ask, voice breaking as you speak.

“Yeah, die. Like heart stopping. Lungs not breathing in air. That kind of dying.” You can hear him sigh, probably thinking you are dense by the way you are still staring at him. “If I don’t get into the water soon, I’ll be dead. So, please. As shocked as you are to see a merman, just help me get into the water.”

“You’re a merman?” You didn’t mean to raise your voice so high, but the absurdness of the situation isn’t making it easy for you and your brain to process.

“No, I’m a dinosaur. I’m just shapeshifting right now. Of course, I’m a merman. Why else would I have a god damn tail?” He sounds on edge, like he’s losing his patience with you.

You stand up again, walking over to him. “I will help you. Under one condition.” He sighs, signaling you to continue with whatever you are about to say. He already knows it can’t be anything good, but anything’s better than dying.

“If I help you, you have to tell me more about you and you merman life.” The boy lowers his head again, thinking about your condition.

“Okay. I’ll tell you more about me. But please help me now, I feel like I will pass out in any second.”

Taking both his hands in yours, you pull the boy towards the water. It takes you a few minutes and several tries before you’re both in the water. The water stops right above your navel. The boy swims around you, feeling strength fill up his body again.

You watch him for a while, mesmerized by the fluent movements of his body. He looks so surreal as his silver tail shines brightly whenever he dives down into the water, splashing water onto you every now and then. But you couldn’t care less. All you are interested in is witnessing a miracle, a wonder, something straight out of a movie. For a second time that day, you think it is all a dream. Surely, this can’t be reality. Mermen are just fairytales. Something made up by seaman back in the day to scare people away from the ocean. You once heard that the merpeople are ugly creatures, scales covering their body and a smile that could kill you on the spot. But looking at the boy in front of you, you realize that the stories told in your village aren’t true. Merpeople aren’t disgusting sea monsters who look like something straight out of a horror movie. The opposite, to be exact. The boy looks like art, like he belongs to a museum.

His face is sharp, with high cheekbones and a defined jawline. His eyes are big, representing those of a puppy. And his plump lips are colored like a peach, matching his skin tone perfectly. The messy black hair covers most of his eyes, but every now and then when he comes up from the water you can get a glimpse of the brown orbs.

“Hey!”, you exclaim as you see him swim further away from you. “We had a deal.”

“I know.”, he says, looking over his shoulder to meet your gaze. “Meet me tomorrow at the rocks right there.” You follow where he’s pointing at, seeing the big rocks not so far from where you are standing in the ocean. “At 11 pm. Don’t be late.”

“But my parents won’t allow me to be here at 11.”, you try to say, but he’s already swimming away. Not caring about a word you said afterwards.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

You can’t believe you’re actually doing this. It’s not like you. Never in your life have you sneaked out, not even when Mark tried to force you three weeks ago. When he was going out with the popular students at your school. Your parents raised you to be well-behaved, to listen to them. They have rules in your household and one of them is your strict curfew. You can’t go out after 8 pm, and that’s still understandable considering you’re thirteen. But this rule sticks until you’re sixteen. You have to go home at 8 every day until you’re sixteen. You can already imagine the teenager fights you will have with your parents.

But up until now you have never broken that rule. Not once in your life. That was until you met the mysterious boy.

The sand feels cool under your feet, causing goosebumps to form on your skin. Even though it’s summer, the air feels cold so far away from the town. You still feel the warmth of the sun as you climb up the rock, trying to get to the top. As you climb you wonder if this is a good idea. You don’t know if you can trust this strange boy with the silver tail, or if his intentions are to harm you. You don’t know where he comes from or why he was stranded on the shore. All of this could lead to you ending up like all these fishers, lost and never found again. But still, your curiosity got the best of you. Humans were always intrigued by the unknown.

Arriving on top of the rock, you can already see a silhouette sitting at the edge of it, leaning back on their arms with their face tilting up into the sky.

“The stars are shining so bright tonight.”, you hear the familiar voice speaking. You walk closer to the figure, soon seeing the silver tail dangling at the edge of the rock, getting splashed with the water that crashes against it. It reflects in the moon light, causing it to look like small little crystals. “Haven’t I told you it’s rude to stare at someone’s tail?”

“Sorry.”, you respond, adverting your gaze and looking right into the boy’s face. A smile adores his lips, his head croaked to the side as if he’s mocking you.

“Come here, sit down.” With slow steps you follow his instruction, sitting down beside the boy, letting your feet dangle down. “I didn’t think you would actually come.”

You shrug your shoulders, looking down at your hands that nervously fidget. “We had a deal.”

A laugh leaves his lips, and you swear in that moment, you’ve never heard a prettier sound in your entire life. It’s almost like everything about him is perfect. “You’re adorable.” Blush creeps up your cheeks upon his comment, never being called that before.

“It’s so fascinating.”, he says, placing his cold hand to your chin and lifting your face so that you’re forced to look at him. His other hand takes place on your cheek, letting his thumb run over the heated skin. “How blood rushes into humans’ cheeks when they get flustered. I heard about it, but I never witnessed it myself.” He leans closer, eyes scanning your face. His scent takes up all your scenes. The salt of the water on his skin and the hint of something sweet. Vanilla? “I’ve never been this close to a human before.”

You take a shaky breath, trying to calm down your fast beating heart. “I’ve never been this close to a merman before.”, you remark, voice coming out as a whisper.

He lets out a small laugh, leaning back again, placing his hands back on the rock. “You didn’t even know I existed until yesterday.”

“That’s true.”, you nod, pulling your knees up on your chest so you can rest your head on them. “But I know now.”

“Yes, you know now.” There is something lingering in his voice. Like a hidden meaning behind his words, but you don’t know what it could be. “What do you want to know?”

“Are there more of you?”

“Yes.”, he nods. “A whole town, but we’re far down in the water. No human could ever find us. Even if they tried, they wouldn’t make it. And if by some weird accident a human does make it into our town, they will be taken care of by our guards.”

“What does your town look like.”

“It’s colorful. Corals allowed us centuries ago to use them as homes under the condition that we take good care of them. They give the town the prettiest colors. We also use a lot of shells, big shells, to decorate around the town.”, he stops for a few seconds, thinking about how he can explain it to you. “It’s nothing like your little human town. It is a kingdom, and it looks like that. Tall columns surround our castle and there are sharks, dolphins, and seahorses swimming around at all times. Most of them guard us, others are our friends. The castle itself is mostly built from bricks and stones we found back then, to make it as stable as possible. It’s large, larger than your town with thousands of fish swirling inside. We also use ship wracks as a warehouse for our belongings.”

“Are there a lot of sea people living in the kingdom?”

He snorts at the choice of your words, looking at you with amusement glinting in his eyes. “Sea people. That’s a funny way to describe us. But yeah, a lot of sea people live there. I can’t tell you any numbers, but it’s a lot.”

You nod, trying to picture what it must look like where he comes from. It must be beautiful, breathtaking. And a part of you wishes you could go with him to see it for yourself.

“If there is a kingdom, you must have a king and a queen.”, you remark, looking at him curiously.

“A king and three princes. You’re talking to one of them right now.”

A gasp leaves your lips, louder than you had expected it to be. “You’re the prince?” He nods at your question, showing you a charming smile. And you see it, as you’re looking at him for longer. It’s what you see in movies. The charming smile, the confident posture, the cocky attitude. “Oh god, it makes so much sense now.”

“What makes sense?”

“That you’re a prince. You’re too cocky for your own good that can only come from being treated like royalty.” He lets out another laugh, loving how honest you are. “Like come on what kind of mermen voluntarily meets up with a potentially dangerous human? Only a prince who’s already confident by being praised every day.”

“Dangerous? You are far from being dangerous.”, humor laces his voice, but all you do is glare at the young boy.

“How do you know? What if I end up kidnapping you? You should feel scared.”

“Don’t get me wrong.”, he says, turning his body so he’s facing you. The boy leans down his face, his nose almost touching yours. “I was terrified at first. When I saw you, I thought that I was captured by humans and that it will be my last day alive, but then you froze up like a glacier and I knew you were as shocked to see me as I was to see you.” One of his hands graces your cheek again, feeling the heat return yet again. “And then earlier I saw the way you react to me. The heated cheeks, the goosebumps on your skin and I knew, you aren’t danger.” Leaning back again, the boy shows you a satisfied grin. “And anyway, you couldn’t even fight me if you tried to. You’re just a little girl.”

“Little girl?”, you let out outraged. “I’m thirteen.”

“And I’m fifteen. Two years’ worth of more experience, in any department.” You just roll your eyes, folding your arms and looking back into the ocean with a scowl. Little girl, as if you were a little girl. Just because he’s older and stronger build doesn’t mean you couldn’t easily fight him. “But you’re my brothers age.”

Your scowl disappears and you look back at him. “You have a brother?”

He smiles again as he sees your face, scooting a bit closer again, but just to rest his shoulder against yours. “I have two. Fourteen and thirteen and go on my nerves every single day.”

“I wish I had brothers.”, you tell him with a pout on your lips. “Any sibling would be cool. I was always alone. I had to play alone, eat alone. It got so bad to the point where I created imaginary friends and would talk to them all day long.” You chuckle at the memories of three-year-old you. It’s hard to believe at what a young age you can feel loneliness so present. “That was until Mark came into my life.”

“Mark.”, he repeats the name. “Is he your boyfriend?”

“Mark? No, he’s my best friend. We’ve been friends for almost ten years now.” You smile as you talk about much, showing the value you feel for your friendship.

“So, you don’t have a boyfriend? Any boy that you’re interested in?”, he asks, making your cheeks turn into a slight shade of pink again.

“No, I don’t have a boyfriend. But there is a guy I like. His name is Jaemin, but he is…”, you stop yourself, shrugging as you don’t know how to describe Jaemin. He is the nicest boy you’ve met. With a kind smile and an even kinder personality. But he’s also popular, a bit too popular for your liking.

“He is?”, the boy in front of you asks, persistently wanting to know about Jaemin.

“He is just Jaemin. A lot of girls have a crush on him. I don’t think I have a chance.”, you shrug another time, trying to hide the hurt you feel.

“Then don’t try.”

“What?”, you exclaim, looking at the boy with confusion. “Why?”

“I don’t know.”, he admits. “Just don’t try.” But before you can say anything, the boy sits up abruptly. Every bit of comfort that was in his body drained within seconds. He looks down at the ocean, with wide eyes and you swear you can see his chest raising and falling faster. In front of you isn’t the carefree, confident boy you spent your night with. Suddenly he is tense, his eyes hardened. You look down as well, trying to see what he’s seeing in the ocean. But all you see is blackness.

“I have to go.”, he says, already making an effort to climb down the rock.

“What why?”, you ask, not wanting him to leave yet.

“I have to go. My father is searching for me, and he can’t find out I’m here. Meet me tomorrow at the same time, okay?”

But before you can answer he is gone within the ocean. Leaving you alone in the cold, dark night with your thoughts spiraling in your head.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Looking at him now, you don’t see the little boy he once was. This is not the carefree, cocky little prince. This is a man. His features matured, showing the years you haven’t seen. His body changed as well. Muscles spread around the smooth skin. His tail a slightly darker shade of silver, but still shimmering and shining under the moonlight. Jenos’ hair still has the same color, black like the night sky, but it’s longer and messier. But what changed the most are his eyes. The big brown eyes turned smaller, almost like he’s in a constant scowl, keeping tension in his forehead. They don’t spread warmth and comfort anymore. They are cold and emotionless.

“What are you doing here?”, he asks. His voice far from sounding friendly.

“I came back.”, you answer him, hope gleaming in your eyes.

“Why would you do that?”, he averts his gaze, looking into the ocean and away from you like he’s ashamed to be talking to you.

“Why? Because I wanted to. I missed this town.” It’s only half the truth, but you don’t want to scare him away. It’s been five years since you saw each other and the last thing you want is to make him leave again. You want to enjoy this moment for as long as he allows you to.

“Tell me the truth. I know you’re not telling me everything.” Without even looking at you, he can sense that your answer isn’t all you wanted to say. But it doesn’t surprise you. Jeno knows how to read people. He watched them for such a long time to be able to understand their body language or the sound of voice perfectly.

“I came back because I wanted to see you again.” He scoffs at that, and you can see him lowering his head. You wish you could see him right now. See the emotions on his face, but he keeps his back turned to you.

“Five years, Y/N. I waited five years for you to come here and say this.”, he turns around to you, face empty of emotions. “I waited every single day for you to come back, but you never did. I waited and waited, but not once did you show up.” He shakes his head, letting little water droplets fall to the ground. “I thought you were dead. For three years I thought something happened and you died. I had to live with that thought because what could I have done? Grow a pair of legs and ask the people in the town about you?”

Tears fill his eyes, but he blinks them away, not wanting to let you see how much this hurts him. “It was until one night they threw a party here. Underaged high school students taking over the beach with their cheap beers and loud music. A crying Mark was here getting comforted by Jaemin. They sat here, at this exact spot. They sat on our rock. Mark kept on talking about how much he misses you and how he wished you were here. And Jaemin told him that you are probably happy where you are. I thought that my theory got confirmed and I wanted to leave to mourn for you, but that was until Mark spoke up again. He said that it’s unfair that you had to move away and leave him here alone, but that he hopes you are happy in the new town. And that you find a better best friend than him. One that doesn’t suddenly ignore all your calls just because something tragic has happened in his life.” Jeno stops for a second, taking a big breath. “You never told me you were moving. You never told me you were actually leaving me and never coming back, Y/n. But still, I waited here. Every single day I waited because I hoped you would come back one day and miss me as much as I missed you. Why didn’t you just tell me? Why couldn’t you just let me let you go?”

Tears stream down your face as you listen to how his voice cracks with all the emotions he’s been holding back. “Because you told me to never talk to you again.”

He scoffs, wiping away the salty tears on his face. “I never thought you would listen to me. You never did before that.”

“But you sounded so sincere. I thought you didn’t want me in your life.”

He shakes his head again, eyes finding yours. “I can’t live a life where you aren’t in it, Y/n.” Speechless by his sudden confession, you just stare at him. A million thoughts in your head, but not one forming into a sentence.

“Has Mark ever told you why he was crying that night?”, he asks after a few seconds of silence. You shake your head, raising your hand and wiping away your own tears.

“You should talk to him.”, Jeno says, voice laced with sympathy. “Ask him about his dad.”

“His dad? What happened?”, you croak out.

“It’s not my place to tell you, but all I know is that he needs you. Even two years later, he still needs you.”

“But what about us?” Jeno shakes his head, signaling you not to speak.

“It’s okay. We have time. Mark needs you more now.” And for the first time since you saw each other again, he shows you a smile. A small one, which you almost didn’t notice. “Meet me here tomorrow at the same time and we can talk about everything, okay?”

You just nod, not knowing what to do add. Jeno turns around again. After glancing one last time at you, he lets himself fall into the water. Leaving you in the dark, cold night yet again.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Mark sounded tired when he answered the phone, but you didn’t care. You needed to talk to him now and find out what Jeno meant.

Now you sit on his bed, thinking about a way to speak to Mark. You don’t know what happened to his dad or why Mark didn’t tell you about it, but you also don’t want to assume the worst. Maybe Mark just forgot to tell you, considering it hasn’t been long since you’re back.

“Okay, what’s up?”, he asks after a while, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. “You didn’t call me at 3 am just to sit here and not say anything.”

You sigh, turning towards Mark. His hair is a mess, sticking out in every direction. He dyed it blonde a few days ago, talking about wanting change in his life. And you have to admit that this hair color really suits him. Especially since he’s also been growing his hair out a bit. There are obvious eye bags under his eye, showing the lack of sleep he’s been getting. You don’t really know why. Maybe something has been keeping him awake lately. You feel bad for waking him up, but you couldn’t wait until the next day. Jeno’s words not leaving your head.

“Mark, you’re my best friend and I just want you to know that if anything’s wrong, you can always talk to me.”, you start, looking him directly in the eyes. And you think Mark knows what’s about to come. You can see it in his eyes.

“You know?”, he asks, voice wavering a bit. You just slightly nod, scooting closer to him to take his hands in yours. “I wanted to tell you, I swear. When it happened, all I wanted to do was call you and tell you about it, but I couldn’t. You started a new life, and I didn’t want to take that away from you, or make you feel bad for it. And when you came back, all I wanted to do was spend my time with you. Make up for all the time we lost. I didn’t want to bother you with my problems, I just wanted back what we once had when we were kids. A carefree friendship.”

You feel so much in this situation. Sympathy, regret, sadness, grief, hope. But on top of it all, you feel proud. Mark had to go through all of this. Not alone, since he had his mother and Jaemin, but he still had to endure the pain of losing a very important person in his life. And instead of being selfish and calling you when he needed you, he decided not to. Just to make you have a carefree life. Just so you don’t have to worry about it. Mark is the most selfless person you know. And you are proud to call him your friend.

“Mark, you should’ve called me. No matter where I am in the world, I would always choose you. I would drop everything I’m doing just to see you. And I know it’s not what you want, but it’s what you deserve.” Mark wipes away a stray tear sliding down his cheek with one hand, squeezing your hand with the other. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“It was a stupid car accident.”, he starts, tears filling his eyes as he remembers the incident. But you know he needs this, so you hold his hand tighter and give him all your attention. Because you need it too, even if you’re not aware of it. And for the rest of the night, you talk about everything you missed in the past few years.

Five years ago

The breeze in your hair feels different, colder, and sharper than before. The waves are louder, crashing against the shore as if a storm is about to begin. You don’t know what the weird feeling in your belly means. If it’s just the nerves about seeing Jeno, or something deeper, something you should be worried about.

Jeno is late, which is a first. In the three weeks you’ve been hanging out, he was always here before you, but this time is different. This time you are the one to sit on the icy rock, shivering from the wind as you wait for him to arrive. You brought a book, one of your favorites. Jeno loves it when you read to him, finding it oddly comforting. He finds it fascinating how humans can come up with such bizarre stories, planning them out to an extent, and making money off them. But he doesn’t complain, he wants you to read to him every night.

“You’re late.”, you say as he climbs up the rock, his body dripping from the salty water. Even though the two of you met up a bunch of times now, you’re still in awe every time you see him. Jeno knows that and he’s been taking advantage of it more than you like.

“Take a picture, it lasts longer.”, he teases with his signature grin. Eyes disappearing into small half-moons.

“You’re so funny, Jeno.”, you say, rolling your eyes at him. “Don’t distract from the subject. You’re late. Hasn’t anyone told you that it’s rude to stand up a woman?”

“First of all,”, he begins speaking, brushing the wet hair out of his face. “I didn’t stand you up, I’m here now. And second, you’re hardly a woman.”

A gasp leaves your lips, punching his arm slightly. “You’re being mean again. You know I can just leave.”

“No!”, he exclaims, grabbing your wrist to prevent you from standing up. “Don’t leave, please.” His eyes are wide, filled with panic. And for a moment everything is silent. You look down at his hand and tight grip he has on you, wondering what has gotten into him.

“I was just joking.”, you say, trying to calm him down. “Are you okay? What was that reaction?”

He blows out the air he’s been holding and let’s go of your wrist. “Sorry. I don’t know what just happened. I just thought you would actually leave before we could spend time together. Before you could read to me.”

You nod, not convinced by his statement, but trying not to overthink it too much. “Do you want me to start reading now?” He nods at that, turning his body so he can see you better. “This is actually a poem book. I got it from the old thrift shop two years ago. I will read you one that I really like. It’s called ‘Deep Ocean Blues’ and is by an anonymous writer.”

“In the depth Of her lonely ocean blues Neither lost nor found at sea, She buried her dreams Deeper than she could reach And she made herself a humble home Tucked underneath the ocean floor

She found the familiar In the darkness of the water Like a magnificent storm Blue almost black almost gone — Hazy memories floating Reminding her Of what she could’ve been Now crushed and washed away

The more time she spent there The more she began to crave, The weight of water Crashing onto her skin Vast dark space holding her close Like her old dear friend Did way back when

Loneliness He welcomed her back Every time she swam in — He’d play her an old blues song Deep muddy waters Just for her Melancholy fanfare To keep her hypnotized

Mesmerized By the sound of his ocean song, She knew loneliness And treacherous waters Could always find her here Dancing with solace Right on the ocean floor”

Jeno hangs on to every word you read, mesmerized by the words and the meaning behind them. He swears that no other book tops this form of writing. He heard about poems before from visitors at the beach, but he’s never got to actually hear one himself. But he understands the popularity of them. It’s so different from what you’ve read before. It is unique and beautiful.

“Did you like it?”, you ask, looking up from the book. Jeno nods at you with glossy eyes. As you see that, you scoot closer to him, leaving the book lying on the rock as you gently place a hand on top of his. “Everything okay?”

He shakes his head frustrated by this situation, frustrated by what he has to do. Jeno tries to keep his emotions down, to not show you what this is doing to him, but he’s failing. He’s failing miserably and it only makes it harder for him.

“I’m so sorry.”, he whispers, small tears rolling down his face. You reach up, wiping each one away. “This is the last time we will see each other.”

You pause, your hand falling into your lap. “What?”

“I’m so sorry, I wish this could be different. I wish I could sit here forever with you and have you read to me, but this has to end. For your sake and for mine.”

“But why?” The sadness in your eyes destroys him. Jeno knows this sight will haunt him for as long as he lives, but he has to do it. If his father and all the residents of his town find out what he’s doing every night, they will come for him. And you probably as well. They will find a way, he knows that. Nothing is more important than to hide from the human world, to not expose the secret they’ve been keeping for centuries.

“Don’t ever talk to me again. Don’t come here anymore. Please just leave and forget about me.”

“Forget about you?”, you raise your voice, outraged by his proposition. “How do you expect me to forget about you?”

Jeno rubs his temples. He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he didn’t think he would feel his heart break into a million pieces. “Please do me this one favor. Leave. Don’t search for me again because I won’t be here.”

Jeno leaves over, pressing a soft kiss on your forehead. So soft that if you hadn’t smelled the salty scent of his skin, you would not have felt it. “Goodbye, Y/n.”

“No.” You try to reach him, but he’s faster, dodging your hand. “Don’t leave me, Jeno. Please. You can’t leave me.” Tears stream down your face, blurring your vision. You furiously wipe them away to see again. But as you open your eyes, Jeno is gone. Vanished. Like he was never there in the first place.

For the next two weeks you showed up at the same place, hoping to find Jeno again. But he was never there. He kept his promise of not coming again, but you never lost hope. You told your parents about it, hoping they would believe you. But they didn’t. They told you to stop being childish and imagine stuff. Even Mark laughed at you, telling you that he loves your imagination.

And after those two weeks, you started to doubt it yourself. Maybe you did imagine Jeno after all. But it all felt so real. Every lingering touch, every conversation. It all felt real.

Hope became your best friend that day.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Jeno doesn’t know what to feel as he makes his way back home with slow swings of his fin. Is he supposed to feel happy? Relieved? Angry? Betrayed? Is it possible to feel all those emotions at once?

When he saw you again after such a long time, he wanted to wrap you in his arms and make sure you would never leave him again. But at the same time, he wanted to scream at you, get all the pent-up frustration and pain out. Jeno wanted you to feel what he felt over the past five years.

Because he did suffer.

At first, he was in shock. Shock of what he said to you, of how he left you. Jeno couldn’t believe he actually sent you away and told you to not ever talk to him again. He didn’t realize what that actually meant to him. Never in his fifteen years of life has he spoken to a person in this way before, always choosing to be nice and gentle, even teasing, and cocky sometimes – though that side mostly came out when he was spending time with you. He couldn’t believe it and he didn’t want to.

After that came denial. He thought that if he just told himself over and over again that it didn’t happen his brain would eventually believe him. If he just suppressed his thoughts about you, he would eventually forget about you. If he just stopped visiting those rocks, he would not long for you anymore. But that never happened. Jeno found himself coming back to the place after waiting two weeks. Every single night, he came back. He waited in the water, looking out for you, but you never showed up.

The next phase was the worst. Anger. Neither Jeno, nor any other person in his life could recognize him at that time. He started lashing out more, destroying small things that once had meaning to him. Everyone got worried because they couldn’t believe that this was the once so kind prince. Especially his brothers. They tried many times to talk to him, get him to open up to them, but they failed every single time. Even though one brother knew more than the other.

Bargain. Jeno doesn’t like to remember this time. He felt pathetic, weak, pitiable. He was making promises every day to himself, trying to convince himself that he could fix this. That he could fix the two of you. Jeno tried to negotiate with whatever higher power there was to help him get you back, but nothing happened. Nothing helped and nothing changed.

Next up, Jeno was sad. Humans would say he had symptoms of depression. Nothing could make him smile, not even his brothers who normally light up his day just with their presence. Jeno didn’t want to swim around the town to help the people or discuss plans for expansion with his father. All he wanted was to be with you. To sit on your rock, talk about everything and nothing and hold your hand once again. Jeno never thought he would miss someone’s touch so much. Worse enough that he never saw you around again. Not at the beach with Mark nor at any other town event that he could get a glimpse of. It was like you had vanished or maybe something worse.

Lastly, the upward turn. The feeling you get right after the depression lifts. After he overheard the conversation Mark had with Jaemin, Jeno felt relaxed knowing nothing happened to you. Part of him was sad that he would never see you again, but the other part was happy for you. All he ever wanted for you was to live the life you sought, to be happy and carefree. Jeno started to slowly become who he once was again. He spent more time with the people in his town, his brothers and his best friend, Aiya. He felt like he could start over again. Begin a new life, a life that sadly doesn’t involve you.

Acceptance never came. Jeno still lays in bed sometimes, thinking about you and everything he could have done differently. He wonders if you miss him as much as he misses you. If you feel the same longing that he feels. The longing to hear your voice again, touch your skin, and feel the weird swirling in his belly. He fantasizes about you waiting for him on the rock, your beautiful smile welcoming him. He thinks about it so often that when it actually happened, he couldn’t believe his eyes. There you sit, with a beautiful dress on. Your hair gently swaying in the night breeze. Jeno thought it was his mind playing tricks on him, that he was officially losing it. But then he heard your voice, the melody to his song. You talked to him for a few minutes, not knowing he could hear you. And he wanted to say something. He wanted to go up and talk to you, confess how much he missed you, but he couldn’t. It was like he was frozen.

And for the next few nights, the same routine continued. You talked to him, while he just listened to you. And then you were gone again. You didn’t show up and he thought that yet again he messed up. He thought that if he had just sucked up the courage to talk to you, you wouldn’t have left again. But when you showed up again the next day, he knew he had to take this opportunity. He had to talk to you. And that’s what he did.

“I swear if I find him, he’s going to get the lecture of his life.”, Jeno hears a familiar voice mumble not far away from him. A smirk appears on his lips, as he gets an idea. He swims behind a coral, waiting for the voice to come closer before jumping out.

“Talking about me?”, he says, watching the orange clownfish gasp in shock. A laugh bubbles out Jenos’s throat at the shocked expression on the fishes’ face.

“You scared the living bubble out of me.”, she exclaims, frowning at the merman in front of her. Jeno can’t help but let out an even louder laugh, loving the reaction he’s getting. “You think that’s funny?”

“I’m sorry, Aiya.”, Jeno mumbles between chuckles. “You just looked so cute. The way you got shocked.” His best friend rolls her eyes, letting out a huff of annoyance. Jeno knows that calling a fish his best friend might sound weird to some people, but to him it is the most normal thing ever. He grew up with Aiya, always having her around. They went through thick and thin together and he seriously couldn’t imagine a life without her in it.

“You’re lucky I’m the one who found you.”, she says, swimming around the merman. “The king is searching for you and if your brothers would have found you, then-“

“Then what?”, before Aiya could finish her sentence, she gets interrupted by another voice. Turning around, Jeno is faced with the presence of two mermen. To be exact, the probably most important mermen in his life.

“Chenle.”, Jeno calls the name of his brother with a smile. “Nice to see you. And you too Jisung. You got a haircut?” The said boy shows his brother a sheepish smile, nodding his head excitedly.

“Don’t try to distract from the obvious right now.” Not once in his life could Jeno fool Chenle. Chenle has always been attentive, watching Jenos’ every move. It was different with Jisung. The clumsy boy had to put his constant focus on not breaking things or getting caught into an underwater swirl.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” This lame excuse even makes Aiya let out a frustrated sigh. Jeno was never good at lying or hiding anything. Especially not from those close to him. He is an open book, always eager to share the exciting things in his life. So, when he first met you, he almost couldn’t contain himself. He wanted to tell the whole world about you, but he couldn’t.

“Is it about the girl?”, Chenle asks, eyeing his brother suspiciously. In this moment Jeno wished he wasn’t so transparent. He could just deny it, move on and never let the others know, but his hesitation already calls him out. “So, it is.”

“What girl?”, Jisung asks, titling his head to the side. You can almost see the question mark appearing on top of his head.

“Jeno met a girl five years ago. A human girl. He hung out with her for a couple of weeks but sent her away so that dad couldn’t find out about her.”, Chenle explains to his brother, earning a shocked look.

“That’s why dad was so suspicious of Jenos’ whereabouts back then and Jeno was depressed for such a long time.” Chenle nods, looking back at Jeno who nervously bites his lower lip.

“Is she back?” This time another voice speaks up. It’s Aiya who asks the question. He can see the worry in her eyes. Everyone knows what that means. They know what danger comes with interacting with humans. But they also know what happened to Jeno last time.

“She is.”, Jeno confirms, lowering his gaze to the ground.

“What are you going to do?” That’s a question Jeno doesn’t know how to answer. He doesn’t know what he will do, what he wants to do. If he wants to part ways with you again considering your different lives. Or if he wants to be selfish and see you every night like you did five years ago. If he wants to follow his feelings and let himself fall even harder than before.

“I don’t know.”, he answers honestly, earing sympathetic gazes from the three around him.

“It’s okay.”, Jisung speaks up, having all eyes focus on the younger boy. “You don’t have to know right now. Sleep a night over it and then follow whatever your heart desires most.” The young lays his hand on his older brother’s shoulder. “You’ve always been a person I looked up to. Do you know why? Because you make the decisions that work best for everyone. You always know what to do, even in the most difficult situations. Even in situations that would make most people insane over. You will figure this one out as well. I know you will.”

Jeno feels his heart clench, never having heard such sweet words from his younger brothers’ mouth before. “We should go.”, Chenle utters. “Before dad sends out a search petrol for all of us.”

Beginning to swim in the direction of the castle, Jeno catches up with the small clown fish, who swims unusually fast. “Are you in a hurry or why are you racing back home?”, he asks.

“No.”, Aiya answers a bit too fast. “I’m not in a hurry. I’m swimming normal. The way I always swim.”

“Is it because of Jungwon?” Upon hearing the name, the fish stops for a second, before presuming to swim as if nothing happened.

“Jungwon? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Jungwon, another clown fish, just moved into a coral in your kingdom with his family, having been lost in the sea for a long time. Your dad welcomed them with open arms, offering them a home to stay in permanently. Aiya and him got along almost immediately, striking up conversations whenever they could, leaving lingering gazes whenever the other one wasn’t watching. Only a fool wouldn’t notice the obviousness of the situation. That fool is Aiya.

“You’re meeting him again today?” Jeno watches his best friend’s reaction closer, trying to read her expression, but she’s not letting anything show. She just continues to swim, ignoring Jeno completely. “Well, I just want to tell you I’m happy for you. Jungwon seems very nice. I hope that whatever the two of you have turns into something beautiful.”

Leaving it like that, Jeno enters the kingdom, waving at the other mermen and mermaids, showing smiles to the fish and sharks. He enters the castle, swimming up to where his fathers’ throne was.

“Before you go.”, Chenle stops him. “Be nice, okay? Father is on edge today.” Jeno nods, slightly worried about that knowledge. But he doesn’t let that face him.

“Jeno.”, his father speaks up with his loud voice, sitting up to be able to look at his oldest son better. A big scepter in his hand and a crown on his head. As long as Jeno can remember his dad has always had white long hair and a white beard, making him look less intimidating. “You kept me waiting.”

“I’m sorry father. I was out helping the villagers.” His father nods shortly, motioning him to come closer, which he does.

“Jeno, what I’m telling you now is something that will stay between the two of us. Don’t tell it your brothers or your little fish friend, you got me?” Jeno shakes his head in agreement, heart already beating faster at what is about to come. “I’m getting old. I can feel my bones weakening and while it’s not my time to go yet, I can’t rule a kingdom like this. You are twenty now. You’re old enough to become a king.”

“What are you saying?”, Jeno stutters out, eyes wide in pure shock.

“What I’m saying is that in two weeks I’m stepping down from my position as king and I will crown you as the next king. I trained you for this your whole life, and I think it’s time.” Jeno doesn’t know what to say, overwhelmed by everything he just heard. “I will get everything ready. Tomorrow will start the preparation, so let’s meet again after breakfast.”

All Jeno can do is nod, before turning around and leaving the room. He realizes he has two weeks left. Two weeks until he will be king. Two weeks until he has to make a decision about the two of you.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

You’ve never been this nervous in your whole life. Not when you had to hold a presentation in front of 100 students or when you were seven and your mom made you read the poem you wrote out loud to your whole family. Nothing compares to how you feel when you climb up the rock and see Jeno sitting here. For a while you just watch him. You watch his back glittering from the salt on his skin under the moonlight. You listen to the splashing sound his tail makes as the waves of the ocean crash against it. You prepare yourself for what is about to come, fearing that this might take a turn you don’t want it to.

“You’re so beautiful.”, is the first thing you say to him. And you could slap yourself in the face for such a cringey sentence. Jeno just chuckles, turning his body so he faces you.

“What a nice greeting. I could get used to that.” He holds out his hand, gently guiding you to sit beside him. “You look beautiful as well, Y/n. But it’s no surprise, you’ve always been beautiful.” The familiar heat is rushing back into your cheeks before you can even stop it. No man has ever made you do that. Countless have tried, but only Jeno could make you blush like a little schoolgirl.

“I see you still have your way with words.” You keep your tone light, teasing. Not wanting to add on to the tension that still hangs in the air.

“That’s one thing that hasn’t changed.”, he says, a deeper meaning behind those words. He intertwines your fingers with his, tugging you a bit closer to him. Jeno knows he may be moving fast, but he has waited so long to be close to you again. He’s longing to feel you again, wanting nothing more than to hold you in his arms again. You comply, scooting closer until your thigh touches his tail. It’s a weird, yet familiar feeling.

Jeno smiles at you, lifting his other hand to tug a lose strand of hair behind your ear. “I’m sorry for yesterday. When I saw you, all the emotions I held in started rushing out. I never should’ve let that out on you. I’m sorry.”

You shake your head gently, not wanting to hear an apology from him. “You don’t need to apologies for voicing your thoughts and emotions. I’m glad you did. If you hadn’t done it, I would have never known how much I meant to you.” You take a deep breath, tasting the salty air on your tongue. “Moving was the hardest thing I’ve had to do, because it meant I had to leave the things I love behind. My friends, my school, and you. Not one day has passed that I didn’t think about you. I never forgot about you, even though you told me to. I have to admit, I had a phase where I thought I imagined you. That I made you up because I was lonely, but I quickly realized that that’s stupid. I could have never imagined something as wonderful as you.” You watch a single tear drop fall down the boys’ face and you quickly raise your hand to wipe it away. “I’m sorry for leaving and I’m sorry for never telling you. If I could, I would redo everything, but since that’s not possible, let’s live in the here and now.”

Jenos’ smile gets even bigger, consuming his whole face and forming his eyes into little halfmoons. “Thank you for telling me that. I really needed to hear that.” You just shrug your shoulders, trying to play it off, but it’s not working. Jeno sees right through you. “Can I kiss you?”

The question comes unexpected, catching you off guard. Your mouth gets dry, and your head empties of any thoughts. It’s like your brain stopped working, unable to give commands to the rest of your body. The only thing you can do is nod. You can hear Jeno mumbling a small ‘cute’ but you don’t pay attention to that. Because the next thing you feel is Jenos’ hand on your cheek, leaning down until your noses are touching. He looks into your eyes one last time, before closing the remaining space and placing his lips on yours.

Fireworks light up in the sky. Sirens are heard all over the world. Suddenly you understand all those love songs. This feeling is worth writing a three-minute pop hit about.

Jeno kisses you with such gentleness as if you are porcelain and kissing you harder would break you into a million pieces. His lips are soft, slightly chapped but nevertheless soft. The hand on your cheek gently caresses your skin, making your heart skip a beat. Your hands are on his sides, touching the exposed skin. Jeno shudders a bit as you stroke his rib cage, swallowing a small groan that threatened to leave his lips. He pulls you even closer until you’re on your knees, chest touching his. He can’t get enough of the feeling of your lips, and neither can you. Enjoying every last bit of it until you eventually have to force yourselves apart to breath.

Jeno leaves a few gentle kisses on your cheek, making his way to your neck. He innocently places a kiss on the place where your neck meets your shoulder, giving it a few kitten licks, before lifting his head again to look at you. His eyes are small, pupils dilated, feeling as if he was high. Maybe he was high, and your kisses are his drugs.

“I never want to stop doing that.”, he says, his voice raspy and deeper than before. It sets a set of butterflies free in your belly.

“Me neither.”, you admit, still panting from the kiss. You let your head drop on his shoulder, smiling to yourself at what just happened. Jeno wraps and arm around your waist, also not being able to fight his own smile.

“How was your talk with Mark?”, Jeno asks after a while.

“It was okay.”, you answer with a sigh. “As okay as it can be. But we talked for a long time, and I think it brought us closer as well. So, I count it as a success.”

Jeno squeezes your waist, affirming that he’s glad to hear that. He knows how much Mark means to you. That’s why he’s genuinely happy you two could work it out.

Having Jeno so close while the waves form a gentle melody, you can feel your limps getting heavy and your eyes dropping every now and then. You can’t help the yawn that leaves your lips either, making Jeno chuckle.

“It’s time for you to go to bed.”, he says, but you just whine in responds. You don’t want to leave, loving this moment too much to let it go. “It’s okay, my love. We will see each other tomorrow again.”

“Promise?” You look up to him, searching his eyes for an honest answer, which he gives you with a small smile on his lips.

“I promise. Get home safe and sleep well. I will be here, waiting for you.”

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Dazed. That’s how you feel as two weeks pass by. Jeno and you have been meeting up every single night, talking to each other, playing games, and most importantly kissing. Most of your time together was spent kissing. You never leave without having your lips sore.

You feel like you’re floating on a cloud, tasting the sweetness of eternity. Those two weeks were the happiest you’ve ever been and that didn’t go unnoticed by your friends. Mark has been asking you questions about it nonstop, wanting to know who your secret boyfriend is. But you keep your mouth shut, telling him there is no secret boyfriend. Even though both of you know that’s a lie.

Currently helping Jaemin transport an order of flowers to his costumer, you notice how quiet he was. Jaemin has always been quiet, more reserved, but not like that. He would always talk to you, ask you about your day, but not today. Today he seems distant, deeply kept up by his thoughts.

“Are you okay?”, you decide to ask him, trying not to let the flowers in your hand fall to the ground. When Jaemin asked you to help him carry the flowers across the town, you hesitated. He never asked you for your help. But being the nice person you are, you eventually agreed. Now you at least have the nice sent of the freshly trimmed flowers right under your nose.

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine.”, he says, seeming like he just got woken up by a daydream. You let out a chuckle at that, watching his slightly startled expression.

“You sure? You seem a bit off today.” Jaemin shakes his head, trying to find the right words. “But you don’t have to tell me.”, you add. “If you don’t want to talk about what’s going on, I totally accept that. But I’m always here if you need me.” The boy smiles at you, showing off his teeth. You’ve always loved how Jaemin smiled, so bright and full of joy. It’s what caught your attention first and what eventually made you fall for him.

“There is something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.”, he starts, his voice raising a bit like he’s trying to build up the confidence to say whatever has been on his mind. You just nod, signaling him to continue.

“Ever since we’ve been children, I’ve had the biggest crush on you. I loved how kind you were to the people around you, how you never judged anyone, how you didn’t let stupid stereo types cloud your vision. You opened your arms to everyone without hesitating. That’s what amazed me about you. I loved how you could sing every song that played on the radio, how the moment you walked into a room the sun started to shine brighter, and how no matter what happened you always saw something positive in everything.” He smiles to himself, fond of those memories. “But I never felt good enough. I never felt like I was worthy to love you, worthy to have you. I thought I had to become a better human before I can even consider trying to be in your life.”

“You not enough?”, you ask, shock lacing your voice. “Jaemin you were more than enough. Every girl in school had a crush on you because you were the definition of perfect.”

You can see his cheeks turning into a light shade of red, but before you can comment on it, he speaks up again. “Don’t try to distract from what I want to say.” You hold up your hands in defeat, making a zipping motion over your mouth. “Before I could ask you out, you moved away, and I thought I would never see you again. I thought I would never have the chance to ask you out. But that was until you came back. All the emotions I thought were gone over the years came back with one look into your eyes.” He sighs, nervously running a hand through his hair. “I feel like I’m finally good enough for you, Y/n. So, will you go on a date with me?”

You stop walking, mouth agape and eyes wide. This is what your twelve-year-old you was waiting for. The Na Jaemin asking you out on a date. But instead of feeling ecstatic, jumping into the air and screaming your lungs out, you felt sorry. The minute you met Jeno you knew that what you felt for Jaemin wasn’t even close to what real love would feel. The small crush couldn’t compare to actual feelings. And it didn’t change. Your heart is still beating fast, but not for Jaemin anymore.

“Jaemin, god, I feel so stupid.”, you start saying, not knowing how to put your thoughts into words.

“There’s someone else, right?”, he asks, making you look up to him with wide eyes. “Mark told me about it. But he said that you told him there wasn’t anyone, so I thought I could try my luck. Apparently, luck isn’t on my side.”

“I’m so sorry.”, you start to apologies, but Jaemin just shakes his head, waving his hand in the air.

“Don’t apologies for your feelings, or the lack of those. It’s okay. I mean it sucks, but rejection is part of life.” He nods, trying to convince himself more than you.

You stand there, silence surrounding the two of you. Jaemin looks at you after a few seconds, a small smile on your lips. “Whoever he is, I hope he is treating you the way you deserve to be treated.”

You nod at his words, trying not to let the tear that’s threatening to leave your eye go.

“And if you ever find yourself in the situation where he isn’t there taking up all your thoughts, I’ll be waiting for you. Until you’re ready for me.”

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

“Jaemin asked me on a date.”, you tell Jeno after you two laid down on the cold rock, watching the stars.

“Oh really?”, Jeno asks, not lifting his head from where it lays on your lap. You’ve been playing with his hair for almost ten minutes, enjoying the silky feeling of it between your fingers. Jeno has his eyes closed, basking in the closeness of you. The moment you stepped foot on your rock, he latched onto you. One body part always having to be connected to you in some way. You don’t want to complain, enjoying how openly clingy he is, but something inside of you has a weird feeling.

It’s been lingering in the air for a while now. Like both of you know something big will happen, but none of you want to address it. None of you want to face the obvious elephant in the room. It’s like you know that as soon as the words leave your mouth, it’ll change everything.

“What did you tell him?” The question leaves his lips in a whisper. One part of him fears he might hear you agreeing to the human boys’ proposition, but the other part wishes you would. It would make things easier for him, a lot easier.

“I told him I can’t.”, you say it as if you’re stating an obvious fact. But to Jeno it isn’t obvious. He doesn’t understand it. Why would you choose to stay with him? A merman who will never be able to give you the life you want. It’s not like he can grow a pair of legs and join you in your town. He has a tail, and his place somewhere else. He has responsibilities, such big ones that there is no way around them.

“You should go on a date with him.” As these words leave his mouth, the world stops turning for a second. The sounds stop, no more waves crashing against the shore, no more birds chirping in the sky. It’s quiet, just a dead dreadful silence.

“Why would you say that?”, you whisper, not trusting your voice. You tug softly on Jenos’ hair wanting him to open his eyes and look at you, but he refuses. He tightly squeezes his eyes together because he knows seeing your expression would kill him. Jeno saw it last time, your shoulders sinking, face drained of all color, and eyes filling with so much sadness. He can’t endure that another time, he can’t have your face haunt him again.

“Maybe it would be better.”, he tries to hide the shakiness of his voice, not wanting you to see how much this affects him. “You know since he’s human. He could give you the life you want, the life you deserve. I can’t give you that.”

“Jeno, what are you talking about? You are making no sense.”, you push him off your lap, not wanting him that close when he talks such nonsense.

“I’m making sense. Think of it in a logical way. If you dated Jaemin you could have everything you want. You can see him at all times, go into town with him, travel with him. You can marry and have a family. You can let people see you. You wouldn’t have to stay awake until five in the morning to talk to a creature with a tail. You wouldn’t have to hide away your feelings anymore.”

You scoff, looking at the boy with a frown. “Jeno, don’t you think I know all of this? Don’t you think I know it would be easier to date someone that was human. But I’m still here. Even though I know all this, I still come here every night. Because I want you and no one else, Jeno. Love isn’t defined by a pair of legs, by who knows about it and who not, or by how much someone has to give up. Love means sacrifices, compromises, and agreements. It’s communication, honesty, and trust. It’s what you feel, not what others tell you to feel.”

Jeno hides his face in his hands, fighting not to break down. He is so close to letting it all out. The tears, the frustration. He wishes things could be different, for you both to exist in a world where you could actually be with one another.

Tomorrow he will be king of the town he grew up in. He will have to face bigger responsibilities. Responsibilities that are bigger than love. And he wishes to have just one part of his body, even if it is just a blood vessel, that could be selfish. But he can’t be. This is bigger than him, bigger than you. He can’t risk meeting you anymore, exposing his world and bringing his people in danger.

“I can’t, Y/n.”, he whispers quietly.

“Can’t what?”

“I can’t love you. I want to, but I can’t.” His hands shake violently, fighting every part of his body that wants to show weakness. “I will be king tomorrow. And I can’t lead them to danger.”

“Danger?”, you ask. “But I’m not dangerous. Jeno, I would never do or say anything.”

“I know.”, he speaks with more force. “I know you wouldn’t, but just meeting up with you is dangerous. The potential of someone seeing us, it could bring death to my whole town. You have to understand that it’s just too dangerous.”

“The only thing that’s dangerous is the ocean itself.”, you remark, looking down at the water. “Especially this ocean. It’s cursed.”

“Cursed?” Jeno looks up at you, confusion written all over his face. “How could our ocean be dangerous? It is so beautiful and mesmerising. It would never hurt you unless you hurt it first.”

“Explain that to the people going missing every year. All those fishers that visit our town, fishers that have lived in my town long before I was born. They go out on the ocean and disappear mysteriously. No one wants to go far into the ocean, worried that they will disappear as well. We’re scared of the cursed sea and grieving for those who we lost.”, you explain to him, but the older boy just shakes his head violently.

“Those fishers you’re talking about are threatening our existence. They are not here to explore the sea, they hunt us. They kill our people and threaten to expose our secret, we must do something to protect ourselves.”

You feel devastated, hearing such words coming from the boy you thought was sweet and kind. Never did you think he would support killing your kind, even if it means protection to his own. Isn’t it all about peaceful living within each other? Isn’t it about harmony, not war? Because if you start a war, it’s not going to end. By killing those fishers, they only achieve the opposite of what they want. They draw attention to them, making even more people curious about the mystery of the ocean, of the curse. You can’t believe there is no curse.

“I grew up getting told to never enter the ocean around our town alone. To never go past my knees into the water. To be careful not to cross the protection line they drew for the once who go for a swim. I grew up afraid of what would happen once I got out there. Up until I was twelve, I couldn’t even come close to the shore, afraid of what might wait for me. Town people found ship recks, pairs of shoes and even necklaces of the people who went missing. Some even said they heard screams late at night, but when they went looking there was no one there.” When you look at Jeno there is no compassion in your eyes, remembering what growing up here meant for you. “Shortly before I moved away a little girl went missing. Two days later they found her hair clip washed up on the shore. What did that little girl do to you?”

“She saw my brother.”, Jeno whispers.

“She was nine years old.” Your voice is loud, filled with frustration and skepticism. “Even if she told anyone, no one would have believed her. The same way no one believed me when I told them about you. What would you have done about that? Kill me too?” Jeno stays silent, not daring to answer the sarcastic question you asked. It makes you stop breathing for a few seconds, shoulders sinking. “You wanted to kill me?”

“No.”, he answers. “Maybe. I don’t know. I was scared at first, okay? You saw me and you could have easily told all the fishermen. What if they sent an army down to our kingdom and all because I wasn’t careful?” There is an edge in his voice, like his breaking point is coming soon. “But when I saw you again that next day, I couldn’t bring myself to. You were just so small and harmless. You shined brighter than the stars and your eyes were filled with a curiosity I could only return. I was never that close to a human before, having just watched them from afar. I wanted to know more about you and then I fell in love. Hard and unconditionally. More than a fifteen-year-old should have.”

You shake your head, his words breaking your heart into a million pieces. “Maybe you’re right.” As Jeno previously, you press your lips together, hiding the sob that threatens to leave your lips. You don’t want him to see you cry. Not after everything you found out. “Maybe I should go on that date with Jaemin.”

When you look at Jeno after saying those words, you can see his heart breaking. His eyes gloss over and his whole body sinking into itself. But eventually he nods his head. “Yeah, you should.”

You shakily sigh, looking at the ocean in front of you, passed the horizon where the unknown lays. “So, that’s it?”, you ask him, silent tears streaming down both of your faces. “This is the end of us?”

Jeno clears his throat, wiping away the saltiness on his cheeks. He allows himself to have this moment. This one last moment with you, basking in the comfort of your presence. He allows himself one selfish moment with you just for a few more seconds. Jeno listens to your rapid breathing, enjoying the warmth your skin radiates even though you sit a few steps away from him. When he closes his eyes, he can still feel the roughness of your fingertips stroking his back, your lips engulfing his in a gentle kiss, and your weight on his body, feeling like a warm blanket. One last time, he thinks back to the gentle words you exchanged, the confessions you made, the secrets you shared. He treasures them in a box deep inside his heart, locking it away.

When all that is done, he opens his eyes again, turning his face to look into your waiting eyes. “That’s it. That’s the end.”

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

A broken heart. A metaphor for the intense emotional stress or pain one feels at experiencing great loss or deep longing. Mark told you that similar to death, there are five stages of heartbreak. Denial, bargain, depression, and acceptance. If you judged it yourself, you would say you’re in the depression stage. You want to be alone, sit in your tiny apartment and eat your sadness away with ice cream. You don’t want the boys to come around all the time, forcing you to go outside and get ‘a change of scene’. They think it helps you, but all it does is remind you of what you can’t have. You see couples roaming the streets, holding hands, and laughing with each other. You see their happiness and all you feel in envy. You want that, you want that so bad, but you can’t have that. Not with the one person you want to have it with.

“I can’t see this anymore.”, Mark speaks up after watching you poke around your favorite dish. The cherry pie. You can’t believe that a few weeks ago, the thought of this pie excited you so much that you couldn’t wait to wake up the next day and taste the sweet flavor on your tongue. But now you can’t stand the cake. The cake tastes bland, lost all its sweetness. Its taste resembles your emotions. “This is your favorite, and you can barely even look at it. You know, I thought bringing you hear would cheer you up, but clearly, I was wrong.”

Mark puts down the rag he used to clean the counter, taking off his apron and making his way to you. He sits down beside you, grabbing your hands and turning your face so you look right at him. “Listen to me. I know, you don’t want to talk about what happened and only a fool wouldn’t be able to see what is going on.” He sighs, trying to find the right words. “And as much as I want to find the person that made you feel this way and make them regret it, I also still remember how happy you were. You never shined as brightly as you did in the time that you spent with them. I could see how loved you felt, and as your best friend, I never wanted to see you differently again. But as your best friend, I also have to be honest with you. It can’t go on like this. You are hurting yourself even more with your behavior and I can’t keep watching you do that.”

You lower your gaze, knowing deep down that what your friend is saying is right. But you’re helpless. You don’t know what to do to change things. How to stop the pain you’re feeling. If you did, you would have done it by now. “I don’t know how to.”

Mark shows you a sympathetic smile, squeezing your hands gently. “That’s what I’m here for. Whenever you’re stuck and you need a helping hand, I’m here.” You nod at him teary eyed, appreciating having a friend like Mark in your life. “Either you move on, find a way to cope with it. Even move away again if you have to. Just for a while to get away from all the bad memories. Or you confront the person once more, talk it out and hopefully then make peace with the situation.”

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me.”, you tell Mark, sadness filling your eyes once again at the thought of Jeno.

“Then make him. If he loves you, the way I hope he does, he will listen to you. He will let you have this one last conversation so you can have peace.”

“You really think so?”, you ask him, hope gleaming in your words. Mark nods his head eagerly.

“Yes, I know so.”

“Thank you, Mark. Thank you for always being there for me, even when I act like a sulky baby.”

That makes Mark let out a chuckle, happy to at least see a glimpse of the normal you back. “That’s what best friends are here for, Sunshine.”

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

The waves are calm at this time around. The sun having just set a few minutes ago, still tinting the sky in its beautiful colors. It’s almost like a scene out of a movie. And for the first time, you don’t feel scared of the ocean as you take place on the big rock. For the first time you appreciate the beauty of it, even though you know the truth about it.

“I don’t know if you’re here, Jeno. I don’t know if you can even hear me. But if you really love me, the way you told me, you will listen to me now. I want to have one more chance to talk to you again. I can’t leave you behind like this. I know that I will regret it and I know that you will regret it as well.” Silence, nothing but silence surrounds you. “I’m sorry for not showing sympathy for you and your people. I know that you just do what is right to protect yourself, but I still stand by my opinion that it’s not the right thing to do. I will never support those actions, but I’m trying to show more comprehension for your situation. I’m sorry for getting so emotional and not listening to you as I should have. I was stubborn, but so were you. I think that’s one thing we have in common. And I’m sorry for making it so hard for you to let me go. I understand now that whatever we have was doomed to end at some point. We are different, way too different to work out. I built this picture of us in my head. I lived in my own bubble and when that bubble burst, I didn’t want to accept that. I wanted to live a life where the two of us could be together, grow old together. And for a moment, it felt like that could happen. For a moment I was caught up in my own delusions, not wanting to let go. But I know now. I know that what you did was for the better and I’m not mad at you. You chose the right thing, and I couldn’t be prouder of you.”

You see the familiar silver shimmering of a tail appearing right above the surface of the water. This is your sign. You step out of the clothes you wear, a bikini underneath it. Climbing down the rock, you feel the warmth of the water meeting your cool skin. The water welcomes you, engulfing you like a warm blanket, coddling you to sleep. Jeno meets you in the water, wrapping his arms around you and nestling his head in your neck. He doesn’t say anything for a while, just enjoying having you close again.

“Thank you for telling me all that.”, he mumbles, head not moving an inch from where it’s buried. Lifting a hand, you gently play with the hair in his nape.

“It’s my pleasure, my king.” He scoffs at your words, but you can feel his smile against your skin. Jeno lifts his head, looking in your eyes once more. “I still don’t want to live a life where you aren’t in it.”

Your confession doesn’t budge his smile. Instead, he gently lifts his hand, tugging a wet strand of hair behind your ear. “I have a proposition for you. Becoming a king means that you can never be selfish. You have to give and give and give and accept that you rarely get anything back in return. You have to be selfless, caring about the wellbeing of your people. But every once in a while, we should be selfish. We should take what we want and take a risk.” You don’t know where he’s going with what he’s saying, not making any sense yet. “How about once a year we meet up. Right here on our rock. We talk, we spend the night together and then part ways again until the next year. In that way the risk will be lower, but we can still live a life that involves the other person.”

“And when shall that be?”, you ask him softly.

“May 24th.”, he answers, a knowing smile on his lips.

“The day we first met.”, you recall the distant memory. It lures a grin out of you, remembering how small you once were. How innocent and unknowing of how much this small encounter will change your lives. Jeno just nods, having the same small flashback as you do.

“Will I see you next year on the 24th?”, he asks, hope glinting in his eyes. And with the way he is looking at you, it’s hard to say no.

“I’ll be there.”, you promise him, leaning closer until your noses touch. “I won’t leave again.”

And for the last time the two of you close your eyes and let your lips meet in a sweet kiss. Locking the promise of a see you again. Even if it means you have to wait a year.

⋆｡ﾟ☁︎｡⋆｡ﾟ☾ ﾟ｡⋆

Seven months have passed and while the bitter taste of leaving Jeno still lingers in your mouth, you don’t feel your heartbreaking anymore. You feel hopeful, ready to start a new chapter of your life.

So, when you enter ‘Flora’ with a determination to start this new life, there is not one part of you that feels nervous. You’re sure of your decision, having had months to think about it. Now it’s your turn to choose happiness, to guide yourself into the life you deserve. Because that’s not only what Jeno wants for you, that’s what you want for yourself as well.

You walk through the store, inhaling the sweet scent of the flowers and taking in the sea of colors. You always felt like you belong here, right in this store. It pulled you towards it, ever since you were a child. And only recently have you realized why. When you spot what you’ve been searching for, your heart skips a beat. But it feels right. Never has anything felt so right in your life.

Sensing a presence, Jaemin turns around from where he was watering the flowers. Shock written on his face as he spots you, having just seen you two hours ago.

“Y/n?” He says your name like it’s his favorite melody. Like it’s the only word he repeats before going to bed. Like it’s what gives him the energy to live. “Is everything okay?”

You nod at him, taking a few steps forward. Over the months Jaemin has never left your side. Always making sure you eat enough, taking you out to distract you and even buying you new books whenever you finish one. He was the person you desperately needed in the time of your sorrow. He was and still is the person you deserve. You gradually noticed your fast beating heart whenever he was around you. The way your cheeks would become a deep red shade whenever he complimented you. And how you couldn’t stop thinking about him. But you had to wait. You had to wait until you were over Jeno. Until your heart has healed, put itself back together.

“Remember when you told me that if I find myself in a situation where he isn’t there anymore to take up all my thoughts? And that you will wait for me until I’m ready?” Jaemin nods, mouth hanging open, waiting for your next words.

“I’m finally ready for you.”

Bonus scene

Saying bye to Jaemin with a gentle kiss on his lips, you make your way to the beach. It’s sunny around this time, summer slowly showing its face. You enjoy the sun again, after a long dreadful winter. It feels like a reward after having to wear hoodies and sweatshirts for a long time. Now you can put on your cutest sun dresses again, go to the beach with Jaemin and Mark and live a little. Jaemin and you even planned a little trip to Italy, wanting a change of scene after so much happened in your lives.

You can hear a small yawn from the baby seat you are holding. Looking down you see your two-month-old daughter slowly opening her eyes, waking up from her nap. Smiling as you see her little face scrunched up, not ready to leave the dream land yet. “It’s okay, baby. You can sleep some more.” You can see her calm down after hearing your voice, closing her eyes again.

Shortly after last year’s meet up with Jeno, Jaemin and you found out you’re pregnant. It was a shock at first, not having planned such a thing to happen three years into your relationship. But that didn’t stop you from being excited about it either. Even though you hadn’t planned it to happen, it felt like it was the right time. That got confirmed the second you saw your daughter in the arms of her father. Jaemin loves her, and he’s not afraid to show it. Carrying her around at all times, talking to her like she can understand him. Sometimes he just stops and stares at her with this look in her eyes, like he can’t believe she’s real.

As you get closer to the rock, you can already see the silhouette of Jeno. You don’t know how he will react to the little baby, but you wanted to show her to him. Envolve him into the happiness she had brought your ever since she was born.

When you see him turn around, you can see the hesitation in his eyes as he spots the baby seat. Carefully trying to get a look, but not daring to get any closer. “Is that?”, he asks, unsure of how to phrase it.

“Yeah.”, you answer him with a big smile. “I found out shortly after our last meeting that I was pregnant, that’s why I didn’t tell you.”

He just nods, watching as you take a seat beside him, gently getting the small child out of her seat. Jeno doesn’t know what to say, or what to do. All he can do is observe you. He notices the constant smile on your lips, your eyes filling with so much pride as you look at your baby. You’re a mother, he realizes. And that title has never fit anyone better than you.

“You want to hold her?”, you ask him, giving him an encouraging nudge. And as much as he would like to decline the offer, scared he might do something wrong, part of him is tempted to do it. Just for a few minutes he wants to be selfish. He wants to know what it feels like to sit beside you, having a child in his arms, imagining it was his. He wants to know what it could feel like to have a future with you. A future in which everything is possible. In which he can be who he chooses to be, love who he wants to love. A future that involves you and him. Marrying, having children, and growing old together. He’s been dreaming about that a lot more lately, as if his head was telling him all along that you were expecting a child. He’s been longing a lot more as well recently. Longing for you, your touch, your voice, even just your bare presence. And he’s been making wishes a lot more as well. Wishes to be able to change everything, to leave his life behind and join yours again. Just for a few moments, he wants to feel like all those things could actually come true.

So, he nods at you, letting you place the small being in his arms. Her head rests comfortably against his chest, and you two hear her sigh, as if she found her place. As if she claimed him, and never wants to sleep anywhere else but his chest.

“Someday.”, Jeno speaks up, eyes leaving your child and meeting yours. “Someday in another life this could be us.” Jeno looks at you as if you’re his world. As if you picked the stars from the sky only for him. As if he can’t live without you. “In another life we can be happy together, having a family of our own. And I can’t wait for that other life to come.”

#m: jeno #u: dream #au: mermaid #t: oneshot #wc: 20k-50k

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

Text

Description. You and your friends have a pact, no dating unless you are. This is only fair seeing as you’re highly unlikely to ever get in a relationship, seeing as you tend to brush off every males advances. Unfortunately for you though, Na Jaemin really wants to date your friend, he’ll do anything! Even go as far as pay Lee Haechan, resident playboy, to change your mind about the whole dating thing.

Pairings. Lee Haechan x Female Reader

Genre. Romance, Enemies!(Sorta)To!Lovers, Comedy, Angst

Warnings. Mentions of sex, drinking, kissing, reader and Haechan argue for a bit, crying, etc. Let me know if I missed anything.

Word count. 16K

Note. It's finally done, my baby, my longest fic. Words can't even express how much a roller coaster this was. Please, please leave feedback <3 Thank you for everyone who voted for this haha.

ONE, THEY MAKE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.

You laid sprawled on your couch as your friends continued to gossip. This was a normal thing, you’d invite your friends over, have a few drinks and gossip would ensure. You didn’t mind it, truth be told, but there was a reason today was particularly sour.

Na Jaemin, Huang Renjun, and Lee Jeno had crashed your impromptu get together. Well, more like Yeji invited them, bless her heart. But did she really have to? Her explanation was that her and your other friend Chaewon ran into them on campus. From there, they had invited the boys to drink with them.

Sure, you get it, the boys paid for the alcohol. But really? Was it necessary?

They had taken all the attention away, practically commanding the room, and you couldn’t stand it. Of course! Here come’s buff jock Jeno, charming Jaemin, and pretty boy Renjun to steal the spotlight. And you detested all of it.

You and Karina sat with mild scowls on your faces, her’s from her lack of knowing other guests were invited. Being your roommate, she had done little besides change into a fresh pair of sweatpants and t-shirt, not expecting boys to come over. She freaked out for like five minutes after opening the door, you assuring her that she looked fine, but she was peeved for lack of warning anyways.

She took the loss and just decided to sit in self loathing over these boys seeing her without makeup. Doing little to contribute to the conversation, you just twisted the string on your hoodie as they called out your name.

“Do you have any lemons?” Jeno asks, looking over at you. His tone somewhat softer, trying not to piss you off. Even though he was already failing.

You barely even realize its you that he’s addressing, having tuned everyone out. You almost roll your eyes as your face scrunches upon realization of his question. “Why do you need lemons?”

“Jaemin likes his vodka with some lemon juice.” He explains, the other staring at you expectantly before looking between you two.

Of course he does, you just sigh and get off your spot in the couch. Karina follows after you, clinging onto you as a source of warmth. She didn’t want to be left alone without you after all.

“What kind of guy drinks their vodka like that? Be a man!” She mutters, pulling out a cutting board and knife as you open your refrigerator in search of the lemon.

“I don’t even know if we have one.” You say, standing in front of your fridge with your hands on your hips. Digging through the drawers, you pull out the only round object to be found. “We have a lime.”

Karina snorts and grabs it from you, slicing it in half. “It’ll have to do.”

You laugh at her remark as she makes her way back into the living room with the wedges of lime. Karina was your oldest friend, you two meeting in middle school. Attending university and living with her was a no brainer, and it was going really well. During your freshmen year, you two had met Yeji in the library, Karina befriending her after basically living there during exam season. You two welcomed her into your friendship shortly after that. She then introduced you to her desk partner in finance class, which was Chaewon. You guys all clicked and that led to your little found family that you had here.

You hoped these boys didn’t expect to squeeze their way into this sisterhood.

Karina hands Jaemin the lime, shrugging as he looks at it, then back at her. He awkwardly smiles and squeezes it into his drink. Though you can definitely tell he thinks this is the worst thing in the world, well at least he’s polite.

You and Karina go back to practically cuddling on the couch, her head right next to yours as you share a blanket. For the next ten minutes, you two sit in silence showing each other pictures on your phone, to which earns a nod or a hum of agreement.

The others sit on the floor, around your rectangular coffee table, with the bottles all over it. Yeji nudges Chaewon though, tilting her heads towards you two. You guys were usually so loud, had something happened?

Yes, something happened. Boys happened.

“Don’t you guys wanna sit down here?” Chaewon asks, patting the carpeted ground next to her. “And have a drink maybe? I haven’t even seen you two touch your cups.”

Renjun speaks up. “Yeah, you guys should come talk!”

“We,” You begin, gesturing a between you and Karina. “Are talking plenty.”

“How’s the lime, by the way?” Karina speaks up, smirking at Jaemin.

Jaemin just gives a forced smile and a thumbs up, though his drink remains untouched minus a sip. And even that, was a stretch.

Yeji gestures for you two to come sit, giving you two a stern look this time. She definitely was just wondering why you guys were acting so reclusive. She’s adamant, you’ll give her that.

Deciding that, maybe you’ve had enough attitude for one day, you take Chaewon up on her offer, plopping next to her. The spots also next to Renjun, who you deem to be the most bearable of the boys, so its not too bad. Karina sits on the opposite side of Chaewon, sandwiched between her and Yeji. Damn, you should’ve thought of that first.

“So, are you all single, or what?” Jeno asks, pouring himself another shot. He asks only out of genuine curiosity, but you think your demeanor spoke for itself.

You lied, you can never have enough attitude in one singular day.

Yeji nods. “Yeah, for a while now.”

“Can I ask why?” Jaemin asks, taking a sip of his drink. “I find it hard to believe none of you have found anyone you’ve liked here.”

“Why is that hard to believe? I find boys quite insufferable.” You speak, finally letting yourself have a taste of that vodka. The boys turn to you and you smile back sarcastically, having no qualms about what you had said.

“That’s why.” Chaewon sits up, looking at you. “We have this sort of, pact thing.”

“You really wanna get into this now, Chae?” Karina pipes up, knowing how this usually goes.

“A pact?!” Jeno looks confused.

“We have this rule, since we started this year, that we wouldn’t date anyone. You know, to keep our focus on academics and our jobs.” Yeji explains, the boys looking at you like you were all crazy. This was the normal response, shocked and somewhat disappointed looks, not like you cared though.

“So what? Plenty of people do that and still have relationships.”

“We’re just trying to stay as focused as possible.” Karina defends, shooting you a knowing look.

“There is however,” Chaewon starts, putting down her empty glass. “One exception to the rule.”

“Well?” Jaemin asks, leaning closer like a kid waiting to be told an answer.

“Yn is the most responsible one between all of us. If anyone can do both, it’s them. Therefore, if she gets a boyfriend, the rest of us are free to date!”

“That sounds stupid.” Renjun deadpans, and you’d kind of agree. It wasn’t even your idea anyways, they just held you to such a standard that they believed the day you got a boyfriend would be the end to all. Therefore, they placed their bets on staying focused onto you staying single. Normally, you’d be offended, but so far it was shaping up to be true.

“We take this super serious as well.” Yeji nods. “Absolutely no boyfriends unless she has one. It’s just the pact of this friend group.”

“Plus, Yn runs from boys like the plague. So it only seems viable to stake our academic performance on her.” Karina adds on, shooting you a teasing smile.

“Wow thanks guys.” You mumble. “I feel so loved.”

Chaewon rolls her eyes. “You don’t have a boyfriend because you don’t want one. We are just following in your example.”

“So basically, this exception is impossible. Which is why you put it as one?” Renjun tries to follow and all the girls nod in response.

Oh Jaemin was in deep shit now. He knew about you, everyone in the room did. You laughed in the face of anyone who tried to romantically peruse you, not that they wanted to anymore anyways. Last time he heard a boy try to hit on you, it ended horribly for the entire hockey team.

To put it plainly, you were never going to get a boyfriend.

Jaemin wishes he had known about this before he fell head over heels for Chaewon. How could he not? That girl is perfect! But now upon hearing about her absolute refusal to date, this only meant certain rejection for him. He wanted to just be swallowed into your deep shaggy carpet, just let Jeno pry him out with a stick or something. This was just mission impossible, and he was no Tom Cruise.

“So none of you have dated before?” Jaemin asks, hoping he can get a hopeful response out of his crush.

“I had a boyfriend when I met Yn,” Karina starts, face turning sour. “Let’s just say there’s a reason I was down for this agreement.”

“Never had time.” Yeji looks away, clearly embarrassed at sharing her lack of relationships.

“Me neither!” Chaewon agrees, and Jaemin all but deflates. She was absolutely unattainable, as if she wasn’t before, it’s even more amplified now!

“And you?” Renjun asks, giving you a small smile as he tries to include you in the conversation. Though, you're not really having it.

“Doesn’t really matter, does it? It’s not like I’m getting one now.” And with that you decide to find solace in your phone, choosing to ignore the rest of the conversation for the night. If only it was that simple.

TWO, THEY’RE LIARS.

Damn it, after all the kindness (read: not killing him.) you had showed Renjun, he does this to you! He’s around fifteen minutes late, leaving you to awkwardly muddle around the stores front door. Goodness, you look like a loiterer.

You two had struck up an unconventional friendship after meeting again at your favorite burger place. You recognized him, and normally you would’ve walked off and pretended you didn’t know him. But you were caught off guard by his hat, and you just had to know where he got it from. He actually admitted that he crocheted it himself and you practically jumped up. This led to you rambling about how badly you wanted to learn to crochet. So, after exchanging numbers, you two agreed to meet at the craft store to pick up supplies. Afterwards he would help you learn crochet patters and all that good stuff.

But he’s late, and you’re about to discard Renjun as another “Failed Male.” on your list. All in all, it’s a list of males you’ve given a chance to, friendship wise, that had proved you right every single time. (Lee Jeno was on that list.) Renjun’s liar status was slowly creeping up right about now.

Hearing a car door slam, you spot Renjun pushing his hair back from his face, running towards you. He’s in a full on sprint, and he looks apologetic.

The boy in the drivers seat, who you recognize as Mark Lee, offers you a smile and wave. You manage to offer one back, what a weird kid.

Renjun slows as he approaches. He looks stressed as he speaks. “Sorry I’m late, Mark clogged his toilet and he doesn’t have a plunger in his apartment and-”

You cut him off. “Hey, whoa it’s fine. I’ll be honest, I thought you had ditched me, but hearing you were just unclogging toilets made me feel a little better.”

He stifles a laugh and just heads into the store, you following behind. This stores was huge, and with all these materials, you could likely be in here for days. Renjun’s familiar with it though, so he leads you straight to the needles and yarn.

Hm, maybe he’s not so bad after all. For one, he seems helpful with his friends, and he’s spending a chunk of his time hanging out with some random girl. He was alright in your book, and definitely not just because he was helping you.

Grabbing a couple patters and some yarn, Renjun throws it into the cart you’re pushing. Standing before the needles he looks around. “I have no idea what the best needle for a beginner would be.”

You blink, who else would know? “What needle did you start with?”

“My grandma gave it to me, I don’t know the millimeters on it or anything.” He shrugs, grabbing the needle set that looks most like his.

You just agree, not like you had a choice anyways. About fifteen minutes later, you two push the cart into the lengthy line. Renjun had grabbed a few things for himself as well, saying he could never have too much yarn. You started conversing about which pattern to try first when his phone rings.

He shoots you an excuse me, and pulls out his phone, groaning at the sight before answering it. The person on the other end speaks frantically as Renjun tries to keep up with his reponses. “Hello? What? No-”

He’s cut off by the voice on the other side loudly shouting. “Fine! I don’t care, I’m just with Yn so...No! You’re disgusting.”

You watch as he hangs up abruptly, pushing his phone back into his pocket as he sighs. “It was Donghyuck.”

“Who?”

“Haechan,” Renjun clarifies but watches as you still look confused. “Lee Haechan.”

Though your expression remains as you shrug. “Never heard of him.”

“Well,” Renjun starts but waves himself off. “Doesn’t matter, he was calling saying he had a girl over. He’s my roommate, and hes loud.”

You laugh a little. “Try living with Karina.”

“No,” He shakes his head. “Haechan is like living with fifteen Karinas, but they’re all men, and they’re all really horny.”

“Ew?!” You manage, watching how Renjun was dead serious as you laugh at his expense.

“They’re all messy too!”

Before you can comment back, the two of you make your way to an open register as the number is called. The man bags your things and you head out, excited to finally start this intimidating hobby you were interested in.

“So to my place then?” You ask, assuming this Haechan wouldn’t want you around if he’s boning someone. Renjun just groans, “But my patterns are at my place, I wanted to work on one of my projects.”

You don’t know what to say. “We can go pick them up?”

“Then sneak out and hope his fuck buddy doesn’t hear us?” Renjun continues, but the more he thinks about, the more he thinks he can do it. It couldn't be that bad anyways, right? Then he's reminded of his whole mission today. “I’m crocheting a bunny and I really need those patterns.”

You wait for him to continue as he looks like he has more to say. So you offer a simple, “Cute.”

“It’s for a girl,” He resumes, his face heating up slightly as he thinks of her. “I really wanted to finish it as soon as possible, so I could ask her to be my girlfriend. Bunnies are her favorite animal.”

“Awe!” You beam, that was such a cute gesture. Your heart fluttered for something as adorable as that. “Renjun, that’s so sweet!”

“Really? Funny coming from the romance hater.”

You roll your eyes as he kills the mood. You didn’t exactly hate it, it was just something that left you scarred. Something you didn’t care for much anymore. Though, sometimes you can’t suppress the little hopeless romantic in the back of your mind. Renjun doesn’t have to know all that though. “I don’t hate romance, I just find it rather trivial.”

“I find you rather trivial.” Renjun remarks back sarcastically and you can’t help but laugh at how stupid he is. He fake winces as you hit him on the shoulder.

“Let’s get you those patterns loverboy!”

“Don’t call me-” But you slam your car door closed before he can continue. You just wait for him to slide into your passangers seat, unamused expression still present on his face.

He grabs your phone as you hand it to him and inputs his address. “Is this the first time you’ve gone to a guys house?”

“Very funny.” You scoff, facing the road. “I’ll have you know I’ve been to a guys house before.”

“That’s surprising.”

You fight the urge to playfully (kinda) hit him on his arm again. Opting instead to turn up your radio and make the ride without anymore stabs at your love life.

It doesn’t take long for you to arrive there. Renjun was really helpful with directions and where to park, so now all that was left was getting the stuff.

“You want me to go in alone?” Renjun asks, like he can’t believe the girl he’s known for a week doesn’t want to enter his apartment with him. You knew Renjun sure, but you had watched too many crime shows to not be a little cautious.

“Why wouldn’t you?” You ask, genuinely as he frowns.

“Just come grab them with me, I need another set of hands for my yarn too!” Renjun pleads as he continues to beg, you sighing as you give in.

“Fine!” And you turn your car off as you follow behind him slowly. You wish you had more resilience but you just wanted to get back into the warm confines of your room so, who could blame you? You watch as Renjun unlocks his apartment and listens in as he’s met with silence.

“That’s weird-“ Renjun starts but is cut off by a loud moan. You mentally beat yourself up for agreeing to enter with him.

“If I have to hear it, so do you.” Renjun continues as he enters his apartment further, and you just stand still. How could he so calm about this? You weren't a prude or anything, but you'd think you'd die of embarrassment if you came home to your roommate moaning up a storm. “Well come on, the yarns in my room!”

You just stand in disbelief, before hastily walking behind him. You couldn’t believe this. He goes to what you assume is his room and fumbled with the door, only to realize it’s locked.

“Is this not your room?” You tease, eyebrow raising. He gives you a glare as he tries to open his door again, still not budging.

“Of course this is my room. How big of an idiot do you think I am?” Renjun shoots back, and you almost laugh with how quick he is.

“Well..” You pretend to think and he looks halfway offended.

“I don’t remember leaving it locked when," He changes the subject as he trails. A look of realization on his face. "Oh my god.”

“What?” You asked, sure something was dawning on Renjun, but you were lost. He basically freezes in place as he stares at his door knob and the tips of his ears turn red.

You’re both derailed by another chorus of moans striking the air, but this time it’s apparent who’s room they’re coming from. It’s Renjun’s.

“You freaks!” Renjun screams, pounding on the door. “Open this damn door Haechan or I will pull it off the hinges and throw it at your big ass head!”

Once again, you’re quiet in disbelief. Almost managing to stuffer a soft “What?”

“It’s a kink he has. Fucking idiot does this to me even though I told him to stop!" Renjun shouts the last part so that his friend can hear, though he's met with no response. He bangs on the door again, "You're gonna pay for this!"

A laugh comes from inside his room as, who you assume to be Haechan, teases him. "Yeah right, what're you gonna do? Fuck that Yn girl on my bed?"

"You two are fucking on my bed?!" Renjun shrieks, ignoring the dig Haechan took at you. Geez, he sounded like a complete dickhead.

"What? You thought we were on the floor?" Haechan responds, the girl trying, yet failing, to stifle her moans.

"Oh my god, this is the worst day of my life." You whisper, jaw slacked.

"Of your life?!" Renjun yelps, staring blankly at his door. "I'm going to need all new sheets."

You tug on his arm, wanting to sprint out of there. "Lets just go, you can make that bunny another day."

"I'm going to kill him." Renjun groans, pulling back slightly before giving up and treading out of his apartment. You just keep your mouth closed as Renjun's face sours.

"Wanna sleep on my couch?" You offer, knowing you'd want someone to do the same if that had just happened. "I know you're going to have to like.. burn those covers."

"If it's not a big deal," Renjun trails, thinking about it. "Yeah I would."

"Fun!" You clap your hands. "We can have a sleepover! I can do your nails and show you my favorite movie-"

"Please shut up already." He rolls his eyes as he pushes you out of the elevators towards your car as you giggle. "This is going to be a long night."

About ten blocks away lays Na Jaemin, on his couch as he stares at his phone, awaiting another text from Chaewon. The two have been talking a lot recently, albeit on a friendly level, but he's spoken to her enough to know he's definitely whipped.

Jeno, his roommate, walks into the room as he stays glued to his own device. Although he's in a Chaewon induced haze of love, Jaemin notices that odd behavior. Jeno isn't one to be on his phone like that, so what was so interesting? "Who are you texting?"

"Karina." The other responds, eyes not leaving his phone for a second as he takes a seat on the couch opposite of Jaemin.

"Seriously?" Jaemin begins, and Jeno rolls his eyes, knowing what the other is implying. Jaemin sits up slightly, "She's off limits."

"Yeah and so is Chaewon," Jeno pauses, giving the other a dirty look. "But that isn't stopping you."

Jaemin wants to launch the nearest pillow in Jeno's face. "I actually like Chae-"

Jeno interrupts him before he can continue proclaiming his love. "Chill out, it's not even like that. Karina's just texting me about Renjun."

"She's into Renjun?!"

"No!" Jeno responds, annoyed. "He's just crashing on her couch."

"Boring." Jaemin says, refreshing his DM's to see if he missed a reply from his crush yet. Surprise surprise, he didn't. "I'm never going to get a chance with Chaewon, am I?"

Jeno shrugs, finally placing his phone down as he gets to grab a bottled water from the fridge. "There are other girls."

"She isn't just some girl," Jaemin responds, sincere in his words. "I really like her, man."

"Well then do something about it."

And Jaemin just might have to.

THREE, THEY DON'T MIND THEIR BUSINESS.

"So you really did bone?" Lee Haechan stands against your door as you fight the urge to slam it in his face. Your face is showing clear signs of displeasure at this stranger standing at your front door, but if he noticed, he sure wasn't doing anything to brighten your mood. But then again, he's just a guy, what more did you expect from him?

"It's really none of your business." You declare, not backing down. If he wanted an argument, then who were you to refuse?

"Whatever, Renjun will fuck anything that walks." And that statement sounds so funny coming out of the mouth of someone who'll actually fuck anything, according to Renjun. Who was he to slutshame anyways?

"What? Are you self projecting right now?"

Haechan opens his mouth to speak again but you stop him with a glare and a wave of your hand. "Let me just go wake Renjun so you can get off my damn property."

Leaving Haechan at your front door, you shake Renjun awake by his shoulders as he lays. He lays as still as a rock, not reacting to your small "Wake up, Haechan's here to take you home."

Renjun groans in response, stretching as he mutters out a "Tell him to fuck off."

"Good luck with that." You smirk, holding back a laugh. "Don't forget you have to spray your room for bed bugs later."

"You're not funny." Renjun shoots back but ironically lets out a laugh. He's still half asleep as he lazily makes his way to your front door. Yet, upon spotting Haechan, he seems to be wide awake.

"What the hell are you even doing here?!" Renjun all but shouts, "I should beat your ass right here for that stunt you pulled!"

"Stunt?! I was pleasing a girl, something you would know nothing about! Especially if Yn's attitude is any indicator, you must be a bad lay." Haechan cackles, yet the two of you remain anything but amused.

"If you actually payed attention to your friend, you might know he actually has someone he likes." You step in, tired of the comments. "And it's not me."

"So? Doesn't mean he can't sleep with someone else." Haechan furrows his brows at your statement. His eyes widen upon realization of what you're saying. "Awe, you're so naive to think that. It's kind of cute honestly."

"Get out." You say through gritted teeth. Haechan backs up and you watch Renjun step out of your apartment, knowing he had to leave too if you wanted any peace in your own place. "Renjun, you can-"

"No I'd better go, I have to knock this one's head against the wall." He nods, promptly grabbing Haechan by the ear as the other protests. Dragging him away as he leans down, letting out a string of ow's in his wake. You just watch, he deserved it anyways.

"Why have I been seeing Lee Haechan everywhere?!" You exhale, stabbing a fork into your food. You and your friends were having lunch outside on a picnic table on campus, shaded by the strong oak tree's nearby. It's such a beautiful day, but the proximity of an unwanted face makes your mood dampen.

Karina chews her food. "You sure you're not imagining him?"

You put your fork down. "If I was imaging someone, it'd be like.. Song Kang or someone hot! Haechan is like a rodent!"

"Rodent is a little harsh, no?" Yeji scrunches her nose, picking something off of Karina's plate. "He seems nice enough."

"Nice?!" You groan, looking to Karina. "Help me out here."

Karina just shrugs. "I haven't met him."

"And yet he's literally everywhere." You stare blankly at the open grass next to you. There sits Haechan, accompanied by Mark Lee and a boy you don't recognize. They're talking to girls, smiling as Haechan puts his full flirting charms to those poor victims. You pity them.

"Jaemin say's he's funny." Chaewon interjects, like Jaemin's opinion was worth a damn in your book.

Still you vocalize. "Funny doesn't mean he's a good person."

"I just don't get why you hate him so much." Yeji speaks, pointing her spoon at you as she chews.

You roll your eyes before crossing your arms. "If you heard the way he spoke to me, you'd hate him too."

"I don't doubt it." Karina admits, taking a sip from her water bottle. "But I also just think you're beginning to give him way too much attention."

"What?! How?! First, he violates Renjun's bed and makes us listen to those moans. Then, he shows up to my house like a maniac the next morning and then starts insisting we slept together, like it even mattered!" You scoff, the girls listening to your rant. "But not before making several inappropriate comments about me!"

"Since when did you care what a man had to say?" Yeji raises her brows as she awaits your response. She was somewhat right, you usually never gave a man this time of day over simple remarks. But Haechan just managed to get under your skin far more than anyone ever had.

Chaewon jumps in before you can formulate a response back though. Keeping her voice low, as he leans in a hushed tone. "So did you sleep with Renjun?"

"Chaewon!"

"I was just asking-"

"Wait?" Yeji stops, putting her hands down on the table. "Since when are we allowed to sleep with people?"

"What do you mean?" Karina looks at her. "I've had hookups since the agreement, I thought it was just serious relationships out of the question."

"Oh my god. I could've been fucking Changmin from creative writing class, this entire time?!" Yeji asks, mouth agape as she mourns a missed opportunity.

"Yes.." Chaewon trails. "Though, I don't see why you'd want to."

"Hey!" Yeji defends and the two begin bickering. They always had the opposite type in boys, never agreeing on a males attractiveness. So it was safe to say you were used to the silly little arguments.

Chaewon say's something about his short hair while Yeji starts to point out how the other likes 'stick skinny' boys. This then prompts Chaewon to go on a tirade about how 'muscles don't matter."

You're so wrapped up in the two's words that you fail to notice approaching figures in the corner. That is until the girls still and Karina greets, "Hey Mark."

Your head whips around and low and behold, there standing (a little awkwardly) is Mark Lee. You could've sworn just ten seconds ago he was across the field, curse you letting your guard down.

Honestly, Mark isn't all that bad, its the two he's brought with him that are trouble. And as Haechan flashes you a smirk, you really wish they would've stayed across that damn grass.

"Jungwoo! I haven't seen you in a while." Yeji says, the aforementioned boy rubbing his neck in embarrassment.

"I dropped the class we had together." The guy you've learned is named Jungwoo, responds. "I'm an engineering major now."

"No need for British literature there, huh?" Your friend responds back as Jungwoo laughs.

Yet you can't bring yourself to laugh at anything, given how Haechan had made himself comfortable at the table, choosing the seat right in front of you. Great. Haechan figured that this way, he can force you to stare at him, even if it's just for a little bit. Yet, you're looking anywhere but at him right now.

"How's Renjun, baby?" He breaks the silence, and you move to look him in the eyes, a scowl present on your face. You know he's not talking to you like that.

You've never wanted to punch someone so badly. "Doesn't he live with you? And don't call me that."

"Call you what? Baby?" There he goes again.

You really didn't want to deal with this right now, especially since it's like the male had been following you lately. You were being honest, you had truly been seeing him everywhere. The last thing you wanted was any type of interaction with him after finding him in all your favorite spots. The bench outside your building. He was there. The table you sit at in the dining hall. He was there. The craft store you went to with Renjun. Ding ding ding, you guessed it! He was there.

Moving to stand up, you grab the attention of the others. Karina looks at you quizzically. "Where are you going?"

"Away from Haechan." You speak honestly, closing the water bottle you were drinking from.

Yeji turns to you. "What, why? Mark was just inviting us to a party!"

"I'm tired." You say, as politely as you can, thinking of any excuse to not go to this party. You didn't mind parties, they were okay sometimes, but right now you just really wanted to be out of Haechan's general vicinity.

Chaewon peeks behind Yeji. "Come on, why not? Jaemin texted me that he'd drive us home! It could be fun, we could get wasted!"

Yes, because your ideal Friday night involved getting wasted and throwing up so hard you can't remember your own name. That was exactly your scene. "No thanks, I'm gonna sit this one out."

Yeji stands with you. "Everyone's gonna be there! It could be fun!"

They were persistent, as they were persuasive.

"Ok, fine." You really need to learn to stand your ground a little harder.

So that was how you found yourself, a couple hours later, back in the company of the one you swore you despised. It was inevitable that Haechan would be present, this was Mark's party after all. From what you've gathered, the two were close as well as the other boys your friends knew.

Jeno and Jaemin were here, Jaemin sober as he promised while he spoke to Chaewon, and Jeno? Well, if him and Karina making out on the kitchen counter was indication, not so much. Renjun just snickered at that, "That's gross."

You nod in agreement, opting to save your poor eyes from viewing anymore. Renjun is quick to take notice of the lack of drink in your hand though. "You're not drinking? Again?"

"Don't feel like having a hangover tomorrow."

"I'm starting to think you're a party pooper."

"Think?" You pause, as you make eye contact. "You know very well that I'm a party pooper."

"I didn't want to have to say it!"

"Say what?" A voice speaks as you instantly recognize who it is. He's slinging his arms over you and Renjun's shoulders, you being quick to brush it off.

"Can you leave me alone?"

"Why? So you can chat up Renjun? I'm protecting him."

"Only thing Renjun needs protection from is you."

Haechan raises a brow at that. "At least I know how to have a good time, misses sober."

You cringe at his newfound nickname for you. "Get lost."

"Only if you get loose."

That was by far, the weirdest thing a guy has ever said to you at a party. And trust me, you've been told many things at parties before. "Is that a challenge?"

"Depends, you up to it?" Haechan smirks that stupid grin of his.

Renjun's quick to pull on your arm, pulling you back to reality. "You don't have to if you don't want to."

"Okay Lee," You ignore the boy beside you. "I'll bite."

"Save that for the bedroom princess."

You and Renjun both look disgusted at that. "Fuck off, you know what I meant. Meet me at the beer pong table, and we'll see who really gets loose."

It only takes an hour and half for you to regret this weird thing you and Haechan had going. It consisted of matching shots with him, as well as chugging as many beers as he did. You didn't even like beer that much, it was just the competitiveness flowing in you that made you continue to down the fuzzy liquid. You could keep up, you had to, you had to make this idiot eat his words.

But a little voice kept etching in the back of your head, why did you care so much? You barely knew this guy, you didn't even know the simplist thing about him, like his major or favorite color.

Well, then again, you didn't need to know all that to know you wanted to beat him in this imaginary game you're playing. No rules at all, just drinking and drinking, a competition to see who could hold their alcohol, and maybe you were losing.

Stumbling to take a seat on a.. bean bag? You get engulfed as you sink in, mind as heavy as your limbs feel. You barely able to lift your head to look around the room, taking note of a few familiar faces here and there. Chaewon and Yeji are dancing in the crowd, Jaemin and Renjun are cashing out on bets of who'd get the drunkest tonight, and Karina and Jeno are nowhere to be found. Amazing, now you probably couldn't go home. Hopefully you could just crash at Chaewon's.

"Feeling it yet?" Haechan slurs into your ear as he sits on the beanbag to your right. He's well past the point of drunk, likely slightly worse than you, seeing as he was drinking before you had arrived.

"Nope." You lie, barely able to make eye contact with him. Why was it so hot in here? Were you sweating?

Haechan quirks his head to the side. "Liarrr."

You shift your eyes. "You're more wasted than me."

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Alright you win." Haechan mumbles, throwing his head back into the seat. "Wanna get out of here?"

"Ew!" You reject, still having half a brain.

"Not like that," He says, words mushing together, and you can tell hes being honest. "Let's go swing on the swing set."

"Mark has a swing set?!" You sit up, practically yelling like it was the greatest discovery ever made.

He matches your energy. "The neighbors do! I'll even push you on it."

You just nod rapidly as you grab his hand and lead him off the bean bag, eyes following curiously as Yeji wonders why the hell you're holding Haechan's hand in yours. You definitely wouldn't remember this tomorrow.

Haechan pushes the patio door open, you two spotting the playground that must've been from years ago. Yet, this didn't detour you as you raced to it, barely able to keep up with the boy beside you.

Not because he was fast, but because you could barely stay on your own two feet without falling over. Haechan helps though, a steady grip on you as he helps you onto the swing.

"Woah!" You yelp, as you almost fall off of it, forgetting to grab the sides.

Haechan's quick to stop you and laughs as you can barely keep your head up. "You're in another world."

You lift your face up slightly, "Yeah? Then you're on another planet."

"Another planet is closer than another world!"

"Aren't they the same thing?"

Haechan's silent for a minute as he thinks. "I don't know."

You laugh, way too loud for your liking, but what did it matter? It was just you and Haechan here, and you could care less what he thought. "You know, you're cooler when you're drunk."

It's quiet for a beat before Haechan puts his hand on his heart, pretending to wince out in pain. "I'm cool all the time"

"Nuh uh," You argue back, childishly. "When we got here, the first thing you did was make fun of me! Then you dragged me into this."

"It's a game! It's fun!" He waves his hands around.

It's truly funny how things worked. A week ago, you didn't even know who Lee Haechan was. And an hour ago, you wouldn't have been caught dead with him alone. Yet, here you were, laughing as you try to keep your grip on the swing as he pushes you. Almost falling off balance a few times, but manages to keep himself up.

The breeze blows from behind you, almost giving you goosebumps with a lack of a jacket. Your mind vaguely begins to wonder what time it was, the pitch blackness of the neighborhood (Minus a few streetlights) throwing you off.

"You're more fun when you drink too." Haechan yells, even though you're directly in front of him. "Not pushing me away and running, or slamming doors in my face!"

"You deserved that!" You giggle as he stops pushing you, sitting on the swing next to you to take a break.

He stares at the stars for a few minutes before he looks at you. You look so cute, even in such dull lighting. Haechan leans in a little closer, to where you can almost smell the alcohol on his breath. "You look really pretty."

You can't help the way your heart quickens, but you shake your head, deducing it to be all the drinks in your system. Sober you would never react this way to Lee Haechan. The man of your nightmares.

Or so you told yourself.

You lean in a bit further, his eyes never leaving yours. "I know."

Haechan's taken aback but before he can reply, his name's being shouted across the back. "Haechan! Are you out here?"

"No!" Haechan yells in response, watching as the shadow of a person approaches them, leaves crunching beneath their feet.

Mark's face falls in relief as he notices you with Haechan. "Man we've been looking everywhere for you. Karina said she couldn't find Yn either."

You stand up from the swing, leaving Haechan sitting by himself. "I should be getting home."

Mark just looks between you two, confusion across his face. Since when had you gotten close with Haechan? He could've sworn you two were arguing earlier, even when you arrived at the party. Was he missing something? "Jaemin will drive you."

"I can drive her." Haechan says, ironically as he nearly tumbles over himself attempting to get on his feet again. He fishes his keys from his pocket and waves them around as Mark snatches them from his grip.

"You're not driving anywhere." Mark rolls his eyes. "Renjun's taking you home too."

And like a dad caring for his children, he leads you both back inside, careful not to let Haechan run off to who knows where. (He had a tendency of doing that.)

"But it's not even midnight!" Haechan protests, with his head down.

"It's two in the morning!" Mark corrects as he shakes his head, grabbing Haechan by the arm. Your eyes widen, was it really that late already? Time flew by weirdly fast with Haechan. Not that you enjoyed it or anything, must've just been the alcohol. Yeah, definitely.

"But I don't wanna leave her." Haechan says, prying himself off of Mark and onto you. Clinging to you like you were best friends. You, not knowing better in your state, hug him back.

"You two look like idiots." Mark comments, trying to separate you guys, the both of you telling him to stop. Your grip on each other tightening with every tug.

"Wait!" Yeji catches up to you, smirking as she pulls her phone out. "Let me take a picture first."

You just hum, drunkenly posing for the photo as Haechan throws a peace sign up. The two of you with stupid smiles on your faces. Idiots, that would be the correct thing to say about you guys now.

"Okay," Renjun approaches, eyes heavy as he just wants to go to sleep right about now. He tries to pull the other off of you, but you tighten your grip as well. "Haechan, let's go!"

He shakes his head and Renjun just about gives up as he throws his hands in the air. "Find your own way home."

Haechan nuzzles into you for about two more minutes before he registers what Renjun said. "Oh no! Renjun's leaving me!"

You just nod and Haechan lets go of you, running towards the front door as he yells a small goodbye to you. You yell back across the house, and he shoots you a thumbs up as he almost trips over the steps leading outside.

You pout slightly as you watch him go, your source of warmth being gone now. Oh well, you start looking around for your roommate, but you spot Jeno in the kitchen alone without her. Where the hell did she go? Didn't matter, you were just going to relax on the couch now.

It would be okay to close your eyes for a minute right?

Well, you closed your eyes for a bit longer than a minute. In fact, when you opened them next, there was sunlight shining through the living room windows.

The headache hits you first, feeling like you had been ran over as your whole body was sore. Likely from the amount of dancing and running you had done. You even vaguely recall going outside. To swing? With Haechan?

You sit up, a little fast for your head, and look around. You spot Chaewon and Karina on the couch across from you, legs intermingled as they hugged, they must've been wasted when they went to sleep too. You can see Yeji's jacket still on the couch, registering the sound of a toilet flushing.

Why was it so loud? You throw your head back on the couch as Yeji enters the living room. "You're up." She whispers, sitting down on the love seat next to you.

"Yeah, where are we?" You groan back.

"Mark's house." She answers back, watching your facial expressions. "Do you really not remember?"

"No." You rub your eyes, the headache still present.

"So you definitely shouldn't check your phone." Yeji laughs, picking your phone up from the ground and throwing it in your lap.

You place your phone beside you. "Why are we at Mark's house?"

Yeji leans back. "Jaemin ended up getting too drunk to drive us. Mark offered to call us an uber but he couldn't find his phone. He tried to find Renjun too but he had already left. Then Mark just gave up and went to bed. Jaemin and Jeno are asleep in the other room."

You barely even process all of that as you just raise your eyebrows , picking up your device. And to your surprise, its full of notifications, yet all from one app.

There, laying on your Instagram dashboard, is a photo of you and a clearly drunk Haechan. He's leaning into your face, the sides of your faces pressed together inside the small frame. He's smiling that stupid little smirk and you're grinning widely. To make matters worse, its accumulated the most likes you've ever seen on your page. There's tons of comments too, most stating how cute you two are. The others commenting that they didn't even think you knew each other. There were a few random ones too, talking about couple goals and how you made the explore page. What?!

Your finger hovers over the button to delete the post, but it is a rather cute picture. Despite the fact that you were going to kill whoever posted it on your page, maybe you'd keep it.

"Who the hell posted me and Haechan?!" You speak, not caring for the volume you were speaking at. It was in fact ten already, hopefully no one would mind too much.

Yeji shushes you, "I don't know-"

"It was Jaemin." Chaewon nods, shifting to get Karina off of her, though the latter doesn't move a bit. But when had Chaewon even woken up?

Your eyes widen, getting up as you're blinded by the need to cuss Jaemin out. Entering the first room you come across, you spot Mark asleep in his bed, Jaemin and Jeno on the floor.

You lean down and smack Jaemin, waking him up as he looks startled. "Mom?"

"No!?" You yell, shaking him by his shoulders. "Why did you post that photo?"

"What photo?"

"Motherfu-"

"He was drunk." Mark sits up, rubbing his eyes, making you feel slightly guilty for waking him too. "Why don't you just delete it?"

"It has a few thousand likes already!"

"You're famous?"

You shake your head. "No, but this means all of his fangirls are going to be at my door this morning after our post made the explore page."

"So what you're saying is," Jaemin pauses, looking at you. "I made you famous? You should be thanking me."

"What the fuck?" You blurt out, "I'm going to strangle you."

Jaemins eyes grow big as you reach towards him, he struggles to avoid your hands. "I just thought it was a cute picture! You guys looked so friendly!"

"Well we're not! I'm not even friends with him!"

"You are after last night." Mark comments, looking around for Jeno's shirt. You had been so distracted that you didn't even notice the half naked boy across the room as he slept. Then you realize Mark's words, you two were friendly last night? You'd rather dive into a dumpster than hang out with Haechan. Well, apparently not?

"I'm going home." You give up. "Sorry for sleeping on your couch Mark."

The latter just shrugs. "Anytime, I don't mind."

What a weird guy.

You locate your keys in a bowl on the kitchen table, promptly placed there with many others after Jaemin had confiscated all your keys. You look over to Karina on the couch and decide you don't want to be the one to wake her, she was usually grumpy when hungover. Eh, Jeno can drive her home.

After grabbing your jacket and making your way to where your car sits, you gape in horror. "Someone vomited on my car?!"

FOUR, THEY CONFUSE BEING FRIENDLY FOR FLIRTING.

This one was one you had seen time and time again. You've experienced it first hand, as well as had to swoop in and save your friends from it. It always goes the same, every time. A boy approaches you, usually meeting for the first time, and takes your friendliness as a sign of being interested.

Like the time Chaewon had to awkwardly explain to the worker at the Van's store that she wasn't giving him her phone number, she just wanted him to look up her loyalty account for points. To which he had insisted that she was smiling at him so much, how could he not think she wanted to give him her number?

Or when Karina and you were at Starbucks and she held the door open for a guy to walk in. He then immediately turned around and asked her for her Instagram so they could talk. Then when she said she wasn't interested, he walked away angrily.

Moral of the story: Men always think you're hitting on them just because you're being nice.

More than half of the time, they're wrong.

This is why you're not friendly.

However, your judgement seems to be impaired when you're drunk. Considering how your attitude with Lee Haechan had died down, he took it as a sign of a new bestfriend. And even worse, he thinks he can flirt with you.

He's even managed to convince himself that you're desperately in love with him, teasing you every time he sees you.

Karina thinks it's hilarious as you complain to her, "He's just naturally flirty."

You roll your eyes. "He thinks I'm in love with him!"

"Maybe you are." She responds and you don a repulsed look on your face.

"Me? In love with Lee Haechan? Never."

"Your adamance on not being in love with him is suspicious."

"How?!" You ask as you continue to finish off the last of the bows that you were crocheting for Renjun's bunny. He had decided last minute that he wanted the bunny to have cute accessories, so he had set you up to the task as a repayment for teaching you how to crochet at all.

"Well for one, you've been spending an awful lot of time with each other." She points out and you hate that she's right. These past few weeks since the party, they boy has been glued to your hip.

"Not voluntarily. He follows me everywhere!" You respond.

"You go to his apartment!"

"Because Renjun lives there." You reason, and it was true. Renjun was a friend, and you were learning something from him. Why wouldn't you be at his apartment? "I don't go to see Haechan!"

"Are you sure?" Karina quirks a brow and you look at her in disgust.

"Yes I'm sure."

"Okay, so what about you leaving that post up?"

"What post?" You feign, knowing full well what she was referring to.

"You're insufferable." She replies. "And in love with Lee Haechan."

You almost throw the needle at her. "Nope. Nuh uh, not in love with him."

"So why is he coming over right now."

"We're going to help Renjun ask his crush out, remember?"

She shakes her head. "I zone you out sometimes."

You scoff. "Worst roommate ever."

"Yeah yeah, heard it all before." She giggles as she continues scrolling through her phone. The door bell rings though, and she decides to do you one and get the door while you put your shoes on.

You immediately hear the voices of the boys as soon as the door opens, both greeting Karina as they enter.

You ignore the small talk though, "How are we feeling, Renjun?"

"Nervous." He responds, deadpanning. He wipes his palms on his jeans, sweaty and all clammy.

"You'll be fine!" You assure him. "She's like in love with you."

"Yup," Haechan agrees. "Just like how Yn is in love with me!"

"Shut up!"

"You didn't even deny it!"

"Gross," Renjun interrupts. "This is about me right now, can we go back to focusing on me?!"

"Yeah, sorry." You respond, knowing Renjun was worried out of his mind. It's all for no reason though, you know his crush returns his feelings. There's nothing to worry about, he shouldn't be so worried.

But, as you thought, he didn't listen to a single thing you said. He had barely even managed to calm his heart when you dropped him off at the restaurant he had invited her to. You and Haechan shoot him a thumbs up, the other muttering some words of encouragement to him, that apparently made him all the more nervous, but at least he was trying.

You remind Renjun to call you when you needed to pick him up, wishing him the best of luck. Though, as Haechan commented, hopefully his crush would be taking him home after this.

You just hit him in his shoulder.

Unfortunately, you never thought about the aftermath of this situation. It seemed normal on paper, two of Renjun's good friends drop him off for a gut wrenching date, offering their support.

Now what? Were you two just supposed to wait around? Should you go back to their apartment? Or should you drop Haechan off and just go home? You underestimated what you were getting yourself into here.

"So?" The male speaks before you can, raising his brows at you. "Got any confessions of your own?"

"Here's one, I think you're annoying."

"See, I already knew that. Not much of a confession." He sticks his tongue out, turning to face you as you keep your eyes on the road. You're quiet as he speaks again. "Well I actually have a confession, if you'd like to hear it."

"I don't, Haechan."

He rolls his eyes as he moves on. "Enough with the Haechan! Call me Donghyuck, like my friends do."

"We're not friends." You maintain, raising your brows.

"Yes we are! You just won't admit it!" He whines, not taking his eyes off you of you. "Doesn't matter, I'm still going to confess."

"Go on." You say, a hint of amusement in your tone. You were actually kind of curious on what he wanted to say.

"I want to take you on a date."

You scoff, of course that was it. "Lot's of other guys want to take me on dates."

"I'm not other guys!" He defends, whining in your ear.

"You're right." You begin, turning to face him back. "You're worse."

He lets out a wail at that. "Look, it doesn't have to be a fancy date or anything! Just let me buy you dinner, or take you to Dave & Busters!"

"Dave & Busters?!" You laugh, did he really take girls there? Not that you minded it but, this was Haechan we were talking about. You didn't take him as the type to take a girl out there on a first date. Huh, the more you know.

"Please," He puts his hands together, with pleading eyes. "Pretty please."

It sounded fun, that you'd admit. But you didn't really want to spend endless energy, and money, trying to win rigged arcade games and claw machines. "How about this? You buy me a pizza and a cinnamon roll from the mall food court and I'll let you think it's a date."

"Then it's a date!" He bats his eyes, smiling ear to ear.

It's been three hours. Three hours of radio silence from you and Haechan. Renjun figures he'll just send a bomb to your house. Nice and prettily wrapped with a bow, noted that it's from him. In this scenario, Haechan is with you as well, and you two just get blown up. To smithereens. Yes, that was a perfect scenario.

Renjun's not even in a bad mood, in fact, he's quite overjoyed that his confession was returned. His (Now) girlfriend beaming as she hugged the knitted animal, saying how Renjun was so romantic and how she felt the same way. He even got to kiss her!

However, this now brings him to an empty apartment, having taken the bus with her so he could walk her home safely. He had thought about just calling you to let you know, but he figured you'd answer later.

Now though, he feels really weird. His roommate is usually blowing up his phone, no matter the situation, yet he hasn't heard a word from him all day. So to say this was odd, was an understatement.

He's barely left to think for long before Haechan literally comes barreling through the door, you following right behind him.

You're both bickering playfully about something, you talking with your hands as Haechan tries to speak louder than you. "I told you that you were going to lose!"

"You cheated!"

Neither of you even greet Renjun, it's like he's not even there, though he's literally standing right in the kitchen. And Renjun can't say he approves of the sight.

You continue on talking. "You're just a sore loser!"

"You were taking basketballs from my side!"

"Well hey to you too," Renjun drags, waving his arm sarcastically. "I'm here, if you hadn't noticed."

"Oh my god, Renjun!" You say, grabbing him by his shoulders. "How did it go? I'm so sorry, this idiot made us go to Dave & Busters after the mall! Then, my phone died and Hyuck left his here and-"

Renjun raises a hand to stop you, getting straight to the point. Trying to hide by how he was slightly caught off guard by you and his friend spending so long together, alone. "I'm fine, she accepted my confession. We're dating now."

You squeal. "Renjun has a girlfriend! Hyuck, Renjun has a girlfriend!"

"Maybe you can stop being so moody all the time now!" Haechan pokes, squeezing the other in a hug. "I'm so proud of you, never thought you'd do it!"

"Well, I believed in you!"

Renjun smiles, "That's great. Actually, can I talk to you for a minute?"

You look confused, realizing that Renjun's looking at you. "Sure, walk me out to my car?"

He nods and Haechan wraps his arms around you, to which you push him off. "Go shower!"

"Aye aye, captain!" He salutes, causing you to giggle, before waving bye to you as Renjun waits. "Text me when you get home!"

You shoot him a thumbs up and turn to head out the door, Renjun following behind you eagerly. You wondered what he was going to talk to you about. Its funny, you felt like a child awaiting a scolding, just a tad bit scared.

He walks slowly next to you for a couple seconds as he closes his door, walking you to his complexes elevator. He looks a little nervous, opting to stare at his shoes as he speaks. "I"m going to ask you something, and I need you to be honest."

"Okay." You answer, a little warily. He was freaking you out with how formal he was being.

"Do you like Haechan?"

You open your mouth. "As a friend, yeah."

He shakes his head. "No, I mean, as in do you have a thing for him?"

"Why would you think that?"

"For starters, you called him Hyuck, twice. And then, you two spent three hours on a date, apparently forgetting about everyone else."

"It wasn't a date."

"Listen to me, he takes all his flings to Dave & Busters, okay? That's kind of his thing, I think it's weird personally, but it's tradition since he did it with his first one." He stops as he tries to figure out how to word things.

You just stare back blankly. Of course you didn't think it was special, he was simply taking you to hang out. It wasn't a date so why wouldn't he take you there?

"I want to know because, I used to be really good friends with this girl a while back. Everything was cool until Haechan got his hands on her, then it turned into this whole mess, and she ended up hating me for it. All because she had tried to get serious with him, and he just hated the thought of tied down."

You lean against the elevator wall. "But why-"

"I'm telling you this because I value our friendship and I don't want you to get hurt. Haechan's my friend, yes, but hes a really shitty guy to be with. I don't want to lose you too, just take this as a warning."

You nod calmly, but your stomach is turning. "Thanks anyways, but I don't like him like that, we're just being friendly."

You were lying straight through your teeth, even if you didn't know it yet.

FIVE, THEY'RE EASY TO FALL IN LOVE WITH?

You hadn't seen, spoken to, or thought of Haechan in a week. (The last one might be a lie, but what is that they say? Fake it 'till you make it?) But you decided to heed your friends warning, maybe you were getting too attached. Goodness knows you can be the type to get too comfortable with someone, not expecting to have the rug pulled out from under you. At least this way you were prepared, right?

What you couldn't avoid, unfortunately, was your friends pestering you about the sudden disconnection from the male. Apparently, Jeno had spread word about it to Karina, and it just fueled her theories.

She had pestered you about six different times this week alone as to why you had been dodging Haechan. You'd always just shrug and say you were busy, but she wasn't buying it. The girl lived with you, she knew something was up.

You had spent less time with Renjun as well, only meeting once at a cafe for lunch, but that could just be attributed to his newly attained girlfriend as well. So you used that as your main excuse for not swinging by the apartment.

Haechan had no idea what he had done, why the radio silence all of a sudden? Had he made you uncomfortable? Did you really not want to go to Dave & Busters? Was something wrong?

Had you found out?

No, threre is no way you could've found out. Jaemin's plan was foolproof, and Jeno was airtight, nothing was going to slip. At least, that was what he hoped.

You're currently sat in Yeji's room, Karina and Chaewon having lost a game of who had to go buy the food. (You had all played rock, paper, scissors for it.)

So the two of you sit cross legged on the floor, sliding beads onto bracelets. Sure, people might deem this a little childish to do at your grown age, but you could truly care less. It was a fun little thing and all of you got to have matching ones, like middle school kids.

Yeji hands you a bucket of letter beads, noting how you nearly finished one side of colored ones. Then she winks, "Who's name is going on it?"

"Mine," You look at her confused. "Who else?"

"Oh, I don't know," She rolls her eyes. "Maybe Haechan's?"

You almost knock over the container. "Not you too!"

"What?!"

"Karina is already up my ass about him! We're just friends." You frown. "There's nothing going on between us."

"Well, I think either you're lying, or you're too dumb to see it. Both are very plausible." She laughs. "I'm just surprised, didn't think he'd be the one to change things."

"He hasn't changed anything." You chide, and you believed it. Somewhat? Everything felt the same, it wasn't like you shot heart eyes at the boy every time he was around. You two just simply got along, in the same way you and Renjun did. Sure, you and him never spent as much time alone as you and Haechan, but that was just 'cause he was so clingy. Surely not because of anything else.

"He's the only boy you don't yell about! I haven't seen you like this since-" Yeji stops herself before she can go on.

You whip your head up, her face guilty as she regrets having opened her mouth. "Since Sunwoo? Is that really what you were going to say?"

She defends, "I didn't mean to!"

"I know," You agree, you choose to stay calm. You know she meant well, she'd never say it to hurt you. "I just don't like to bring him up. That's all."

"But my point still stands."

"And we all know how things ended with Sunwoo. He ended up breaking my heart into tiny little bite sized pieces. Thank you for reminding me exactly why I hate boys again." You go back to your bracelet, trying not to think about your ex-boyfriend.

She sighs, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" You shake her off. "Not your fault he was the world's worst boyfriend."

"I was out of line." She apologizes again, though you're already over it.

"It's alright. Everyone thinks I like Haechan anyways. Even Renjun pulled me away and started going on a spiel of how I need to be careful." You start, not noticing the look Yeji's giving you.

"So, you don't?"

"I don't.." You trail, hating how you're even thinking about it. "I don't know."

She sits up. "Wait a minute-"

"I just enjoy spending time with him." You admit, but you feel like you're about to throw up. You couldn't believe you felt this way. You couldn't afford to, not again. "More than I do with the others anyways. Can we move on?"

Yeji seems reluctant but nods, looking over into her kitchen space. "Jaemin's been spending a lot of time here, broke my favorite mug."

"The one with the cat on it?" You gasp, more worried for the cup than the boy.

"Yes! The one Ryujin made me in her pottery class!"

"I'd kick him out!" Your jaw drops, knowing how Ryujin would've dragged that poor boy across the floor.

She just feigns annoyance. "Chaewon would have a cow! The two are like bestie's now."

"Seem's like you're all teasing the wrong person!" You stick your tongue out.

"Nope, she honors the pact!" Yeji responds, "Like a lot."

"You're all stupid."

"Hey!"

You two are stopped by the sound of the keypad outside beeping as the code buzzes incorrectly. "Open up! Karina's making me carry all the bags!"

"I literally have soda's in both hands!" The other yells as you get up to get the door, Yeji toddling behind you with a half made bracelet in her hand.

The girls barrel in, rushing to place the food down on the counter as you and Yeji itch to get your hands on the bags.

Karina falls into conversation with Yeji over the wait time when you feel your phone buzzing in your pocket. You pull it out to see Haechan calling you? That was weird, he had never really called you. You two barely even texted since you gave him your number last week.

You just excuse yourself and step into Yeji's bedroom, answering the unusual call. "Hello?"

"Finally! Well, where the hell have you been?!" The voice on the other end pesters.

"What? I've been busy." You lie, tightening your grip on the phone.

"I miss you." He blurts out suddenly, the words making your heart drop. Sure, he had said tons of flirty stuff to you before, but now that you were slightly aware of some feelings? Yeah, this was making your heart race. His comment is followed by silence, neither of you speaking.

You manage to collect yourself, putting on your bickering tone. "Shut up."

"I'm serious! Let's do something tomorrow. Just you and I, wanna show you something."

"What could you possibly want to show me?"

"Besides my dick?" Of course he'd never miss an opportunity to make that kind of joke. What was he, fourteen? But you hated how it made you laugh.

"That's fucking gross." You make a fake-vomiting noise.

"No but all jokes aside," He begins again, speaking quieter through your device. "I'll see you here at 5?"

"I don't know," You respond, staring at your shoes as you think about it.

"Well then who knows?"

One day couldn't hurt, right? You'd spend time with him again and realize that you two are just platonic friends. Yeah, everyone wanted to make it so complicated, when it wasn't like that. Surely, you'd feel at ease after confirming things. "See you at five."

"You're ditching us?!" Chaewon's jaw slacks as you shake your head.

"Ditching? I spent all yesterday and this morning with you guys, don't be dramatic." You say as you slip on your shoes.

"For Lee Haechan?!" Karina speaks up, equally as shocked.

"Why are you all so surprised?"

"Because a few months ago, you would've been barking up any tree to get away from him!"

"What does that even mean, Chaewon?"

And the group stills, laughing at what she said. She just leans against the door frame, "Fine, go abandon your friends!"

Yeji pouts before patting the back of a fake-crying Chaewon. "Shame on you."

"I'll be back soon, we all know Karina's going to crash on your couch again anyways." You state, about to open the door.

"Whatever, not my fault you like to sleep toe to toe with Yeji in her bed." She rolls her eyes, referencing to how she had found you this morning. And yes, you were in Yeji's bed, but to say your toes were interlocked? Well..

"Just text us, we were thinking about stopping by Jaemin and Jeno's." Chaewon says, the others nodding their heads.

You shoot them a thumbs up and open the door, not expecting anything that would happen that night.

Haechan throws himself on his couch, groaning as he's lost another round of Super Mario Bros. to you. To make it worse, you're just laughing at his defeat, who even knew you were so competitive? He couldn't complain though, you had warn fair and square, unfortunately.

He pushes his soda towards you, a brand he beamed about for the entire day, saying he had picked it up on a grocery trip. (Your friend had whopped him when he realized Haechan brought home the wrong brand, but Haechan actually grew to like it. Well, considering now he had three cases of it, you guess he had no choice.)

He sees your eyes land on the can, before nudging your shoulder. "Try it."

You deny immediately. "I don't know where your mouth has been."

He gasps dramatically as he places a hand on his heart. "You wanna find out?"

"Get me my own and I'll try it." You ignore him as you give in, to which he salutes you and stalks out of the living room like a soldier. That guy was weird.

But the main thing on your mind right now, was what Haechan could possibly be showing you. You two had done nothing for the past hour besides play video games on his couch. So unless the soda brand - Or the potato chips - were what he wanted to show you, then you had no idea.

He returns with the soda, placing it was a clunk on the table, having no idea of your impending thoughts. "Try it and if you like it, then you can have a case."

"So that's what this is." You laugh as you crack the lid. "You're just trying to dump those cases on me."

"No I'm not!" He denies though he smirks a little.

"So," You begin. "What was it that you wanted to show me?"

"All in due time." He teases, grimacing as he downs another can. "Didn't anyone ever tell you that good things come to those who wait?"

"Didn't anyone tell you I was impatient?"

Haechan laughs, brushing his hair from his eyes. "Let's go."

He gets up from the couch, offering you his hand, to which you take. You don't know why, but you trust Haechan. He could lead you to a trap and you'd follow. But you have no idea why.

As you pester as to where it is that you're going, he just tells you to put your seat belt on and not to ask questions. He keeps his patience though, ignoring your whining about this mystery trip.

He just laughed though, telling you how cute you looked when you were pouting. You just shoved him and rolled your eyes, never admitting how hot your face would grow at the random compliments.

Then suddenly, you two were there.

Haechan wouldn't elaborate on what there was. To you, this just looked like a park in the city. But you could tell, with the way he was looking at the trees, this meant something to him.

You two walk up the trail in silence, you choosing not to say anything as he seems determined to get somewhere. You follow without qualms, admiring how dark it was starting to get around this time.

There were families still out though, couples laughing on benches as they fed ducks, and people walking their dogs. It was such a beautiful sight.

Haechan suddenly turns as you make your way up a hill, grabbing your hand as he points to the grass. "Sit with me."

You nod, sitting cross legged on the ground as Haechan stares out into the view. And you can admit, it's breathtaking.

You can see everyone from there. All the people, all the animals, all the trees, you can see it all. You catch glimpses as the sun sets, the sky painted orange as it illuminates the view below.

"It's so pretty." You comment honestly, thankful for the wind on such a hot day, you had never felt more comfortable.

You know why you do though, and it has a lot to do with the boy beside you. The boy you had only known for a few months, but had managed to wring your heart into a knot, he was right here. He made this moment perfect, he made this what it was.

You regret running away, for that week wasted, when you felt like you belonged with him. Your heart swells, and you wish it would stop, but it doesn't cease, not for a second.

Moment's spent with Haechan, they were never a bore, he was someone who you felt genuinely cared about you. Sure, he might have gotten off on the wrong foot with you, but no one was perfect.

He had a past, but damn it, so did you.

You know why you trusted him so much, why you backed away so fast, why you'd follow him anywhere. You knew it all too well.

You couldn't help it, you were in love with him.

"It's beautiful." He responds, resting his head on your shoulder.

You hum back, "Why did you bring me here?"

He turns towards you. "To do this."

Haechan cups your face, tilts it towards him, and then leans in as your lips meet. You don't move for a minute, taken aback by the sudden action, but when you regain your senses you kiss him back.

He pulls off a little before you grab the nape of his neck and bring him in again. You can't get enough, you love the taste of Lee Haechan, you feel like you could kiss him forever. You want to kiss him forever.

You separate again to breathe for a moment but he's pushing your lips back together, it seems the feeling was mutual.

You know you two look like horny teenagers just making out on a hill, something straight our of a coming-of-age movie. But you couldn't care less, you didn't care about what anyone thought of you. All that mattered right now was the boy in front of you.

And loving someone? It never felt this right.

You walk into your apartment wearing a dopey smile, Karina texting you that they she had went home, and you're thankful because your pillow sounds so good right now.

After the sunset, Haechan had took you to eat at a small diner, then to a little box arcade to pummel you in every shooting game out there. So, for lack of better word, you were exhausted.

You and Haechan didn't talk about the kiss after, he just smiled at you and then told you he liked you. You'd never felt such butterflies in your life, not even with your ex-boyfriend. It was different.

You call out for your roommate when you walk further in, turning on your lights as she responds. "Can you come here for a minute?"

You walk into her room, seeing Yeji and Chaewon on her bed. You giggle at the two. "Need me to help you move them?"

But she's not laughing, serious as she looks at you. "Maybe we should talk in the living room."

Your heart races. Did something bad happen? Was she okay? Were the others okay? Did the boys piss her off? There were a million things running through your heard at the turn of this night. Nevertheless, you follow her out into the living room, sitting with her. "Is everything alright? You're scaring me with how serious you're being."

She looks down at your attempt to lighten the mood. "As you know, we went to see the boy's today."

You nod, scared to speak. You even feel guilty, but you know you did nothing wrong, why did it seem like you were in trouble?

Karina continues, "They started drinking, a lot. But I stayed sober because I'm having breakfast with my mom tomorrow, remember?"

And now, its oddly apparent to you how she seems to be beating around the bush. You lean in, "Did something happen, Karina?"

"Well, Jeno and I were talking in his room, and all of a sudden Jaemin walks in, drunk obviously. Talking about how he won, and the bet's off now. I thought he was talking about sports or that sort of thing, but then he mentions Haechan." She avoids your eyes.

"What are you saying?" You whisper, meekly.

"Long story short, I got out of Jeno that-" She closes her mouth, and you can see her trying to word it, but your patience is running thin. "Jaemin payed Haechan to talk to you."

"What?!" You exclaim, standing up from where you were sitting. No, no that couldn't be right, that couldn't be true. It barely even made any sense. "Why would he do that?"

Karina stands as well, muttering two words. "The pact."

And it clicks in your head.

"He thought if anyone could sweep you off your feet, it'd be Haechan. So he messaged him randomly and set this whole thing up. He figured if the bet was broken, he could get a chance with Chaewon."

"So he," You start, struggling to speak. "Payed Haechan to make me fall in love. For this stupid pact I didn't even ask to be apart of?!"

"I'm so sorry, I had no idea. Once Jeno told me, I told him I never wanted to see him again! And look I know it doesn't even matter because you don't care-" She pauses as she looks at you, stunned at the sight. "Are you crying?"

And you let out another choked sob at that, her rushing to your side immediately. Your tears are flowing as you rub at your eyes, overwhelmed by the emotions taking over you. "Why are you crying?"

"I loved him."

She staggers back. "You.."

"And this happens." You continue to bawl. "This keeps happening, and I don't know why it keeps happening to me!"

Karina pats your hair as she hugs you. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I know! I know, I didn't! So why do boys keep doing this to me?! Why do I keep getting used?!" You cry, the words slipping out. "First you, and now Chaewon. Will no one ever just love me?!"

Karina tightens her hug on you, she knows it hurts, she was there. She held you a year and a half ago when you broke up with Sunwoo. Weeping in her arms as you recalled a text message you had viewed on his phone. How he was only using you to get to Karina. She hated him, she hated his entire being, and she still does.

But you didn't love Sunwoo. No, you liked him a lot but love? That was never there. You cried because he treated you like garbage, not because your heart was broken.

She can practically hear it shattering now.

You want to throw something, anything. You want to stomp into Haechan's apartment and throw shit around, making him hurt the way you are. You feel anger, and you feel hurt.

But what you feel most of all, is fear.

You still don't want to lose him, and that's what hurts the most.

SIX, THEY'RE NOT SO EASY TO HATE

When you were fifteen, you wrote a list. Clear cut and simple, straight to the point. It listed six reasons why you hated boys. And so far, to this day, every word has held true.

Sure, people might sit and laugh about it now. Say how it's outdated and how it's rude to generalize an entire gender because of personal experience, but you'd beg to differ.

You lean your head back against your car seat, sniffling as you sit. It's about twelve in the morning at this point, but you can't bring yourself to feel tired. You don't know what to do, you don't even know where you're going. So you go back to the root of this, the boy you thought you could trust. Huang Renjun.

You typed the name easily, not even expecting him to pick up. You don't know what you're going to say, you were so filled with anger that you could explode.

"Hey, what're you doing up so late?" The soft voice chimes as he picks up, half asleep as he yawns.

You burst into tears. "You were my friend?! How could you do this to me?! I trusted you!"

You can hear him shuffling around as you assume he sits up in his bed. "Hello? What? Yn?"

You grit your teeth. "Don't play stupid now, I found out. Are you happy? I know you set me up!"

"Set you up? Are you drunk right now or-"

"Don't you dare!" You scream into the phone. "What, did they promise you a cut of the money? Or did they tell you-"

"What are you talking about?" He yells back, completely confused. "Who promised me money?"

You start crying even more. "I hate you so much, you're just as fake as Haechan."

"Haechan? What do I have to do with him?"

"Do I have to spell it out for you!? Why won't you just admit you helped Jaemin and Jeno?!" Your voice is horse now from the yelling and your eyes rubbed raw from the crying.

"Yn." He calms, lowering his voice. "Talk to me, what did they do?"

His tone takes you off guard, wasn't he just screaming back at you? "Do you really not know?"

"Know what - Please, you have to help me out here - I don't know anything." He responds, and you want so terribly to believe him. He had your back, he warned you, he probably saw all of this coming.

But boys lie, that you know for certain.

"So you don't know that Jaemin bribed Haechan to get me to break that fucking pact?" You curse, voice low, and you hold your breath for his answer.

"He did what?" Renjun speaks, sighing. "And Haechan went through with it? That's so typical of him, but you know what? I warned you."

"Are you trying to preach to me right now?!" You say, pissed off.

"No- Fuck, I'm so sorry." And you can hear him sit down on his bed. "I swear to you, I didn't know about this. They probably didn't tell me on purpose, please, I can't lose you too."

"Renjun," You speak in the mic. "What am I gonna do now?"

"What do you mean?"

"I liked him a lot."

And the other end is silent.

If Renjun hadn't proved his friendship to you yet, now was definitely his time to show out. Well, judging by how he's literally tearing up the dance floor for your amusement? Yeah, he's gone above and beyond.

You laugh at him from your little booth, sat next to the guy he had brought along, Renjun's girlfriend across from you as she giggles at her boyfriend.

Her name is Heejin, and she practically crushed you with a hug earlier. Telling you all about how shes begged Renjun to meet the girl responsible for making her precious bunny those bows. Also laughing and giggling about how pretty you were, cheeks slightly red.

The boy beside you was Yangyang, a cousin who Renjun was convinced would make you head over heels. ("Hyuck and him are both stupid!" He had said, trying to point out their similiarities. "And both medium ugly, so they have a lot in common! Give him a chance.) But Renjun was mistaken because you didn't want a boy like Haechan, you wanted Haechan. And it stung.

Yangyang was funny though, and he was polite but it had only been a few weeks since you ghosted Haechan. You weren't ready or open to the idea of anyone new just yet. Yangyang didn't seem to mind though, he was just here for a good time, which he seemed to be having as he made you down a matching shot with him.

"Haechan's a total asshole." Heejin suddenly spouts, likely from having too much to drink. "I would've fallen in love with you for free!"

"Right?!" Yangyang shouts over the music. "Wait, who's Haechan?"

You groan, "Thank you, Heejin."

She sits up. "No problem, and I'm glad you came out with us tonight! Renjun said he hadn't seen you in weeks, I almost thought I'd never get to meet you."

"No seriously," Yangyang speaks, looking around. "Who is Haechan?"

"Okay, you're both trashed." You laugh, staring at your unfinished drink, pretending to stir it. Moving, you slip your heels back on.

"Awee, are you leaving?" Heejin pouts, and you shake your head at the sweet girl. "No, I'm just going to pee. Think you'll be okay?"

She just nods and you stand, pulling your too-tight dress down as you make you way through people. What were you even doing here tonight? Karina had basically kicked you into Renjun's car to leave, saying you needed to be out again. But what was the point anyways? You felt like you finally reached your limit about caring about boys anymore, especially one's that weren't Lee Haechan.

Goodness, there you go again. Thinking about the very person who left you like this, who didn't even fight for you or come looking. He knew what he had done, and you hope it eats at him everyday.

But you also hope he's okay. You hope that, maybe just a tiny part of him actually liked you, and that maybe your absence made a small dent in his life.

But you doubt it, not like you knew anyways. You would ask Renjun but they got into a fight, presumably over what he had done to you, and now the two don't even talk anymore. According to your friend, the other just comes home to sleep, busy going who knows where during the day.

Coming back from the bathroom, you find Renjun having returned, coddling his girlfriend as Yangyang watches with a displeased look on his face. You can relate.

Then you realize something, Renjun is drunk. Which means, he's incapable of taking you home. You confirm this as you and Yangyang, the only one's about to stand by themselves, sling Renjun over your shoulders and walk to his car. You grab the keys from his pockets as he protests. "It's fine, take my car and call us an Uber."

"Are you insane?" You ask, trying to ignore the pain in your arms. "Stuff three drunk people in an Uber and hope they make it home? Who do you think I am?"

But you're a bit thankful that Renjun wants to make things easier for you. You were a big girl though, you could handle driving them to his apartment, even if Haechan was there.

Right, you'd be fine.

That's what you keep repeating as you make the drive, unfamiliar with this car, but driving just fine. You can see Renjun and Heejin cuddling in the rear view, Yangyang sat up front as he stares out the window.

"I've been wondering all night," He speaks, taking you off guard. "What's got you all upset? Is it that Haechan that Heejin mentioned?"

You keep your eyes on the road. "It's embarrassing."

"Well, my girlfriend of four years cheated on me." He speaks, causing you to shift in your seat. The confession offbeat, not expecting his openness. "That's why I'm here, I live an hour and half away. But I can't go to my place knowing she's there, I can't stand to be around her."

"I'm really sorry," You say, sincerity in your voice. "You deserve better."

He just shrugs. "That's not even the embarrassing part. I can't be around her because I know I'll take her back, I still love her. Isn't that weird, loving someone after they did you so wrong?"

"It's not weird." You whisper back.

"Renjun's the one who drove me down here himself, he knows I'm weak. He knows I view love irrationally." Yangyang drops his head.

"That's not irrational, we can't help who we love."

He tries to piece things together. "Did Haechan cheat on you too?"

"No," You respond, gripping the wheel. "Well, we weren't even together."

"So you're upset over someone you weren't with? Ditto. I think we've all been there, I guess the only thing left now is if you think he's worth forgiving." And for how much the boy drank, you hated how he seemed so wise.

"I don't know, I think I was more upset that he didn't reach out. It's like he doesn't care, like I'm not worth chasing."

"Maybe he's giving you space." He suggests. "That's what I'd do."

"Do you think your girlfriend's worth forgiving?" You hated cheaters, and you'd personally never forgive one. So depending on Yangyang's response, will deduce how helpful his advice is.

"Fuck no." He laughs, leaning his head back. "But your situation is different, you didn't catch your partner in bed with her neighbor so."

Your eyes grow big as you stammer. "I-"

"Don't," He stops you. "If anyone else tells me they're sorry again, I think i'll throw up."

You nod. "I get it."

"Anyways, you can still save your situation. Just depends if you think he's worth your time." He yawns, just in time for you to approach Renjun's complex.

You stay silent, unbuckling your seat belt. What was all the contemplation even for? He could very well not even be home.

But those words are swallowed when Renjun's front door is opened, the boy you'd been dreading in front of you. He rubs his eyes, muttering how he could hear Yangyang's loud voice from inside the house.

Then he quiets, eyes meeting yours.

And you missed the sight terribly.

Yangyang grabs his cousin from your side, pushing past Haechan with Heejin following.

You just stare Haechan up and down. He looks down, opening his mouth and then closing it instantly. He has a million things he wants to say, but he doubts you want to hear anything from him.

So you talk first. "Why didn't you come after me?"

He stops. "What?"

"You didn't even call!" You throw your hands up. "I would've heard you out! I would've let you explain, but you didn't even send a text!"

He takes in your words with disbelief. "I- I assumed you didn't want to hear from me and-"

"That's right, you assumed! You didn't even try, you were just going to let me go." You hold back your tears as your eyes well up. "I waited for days, sitting by the phone for an explanation, for you to call and apologize. I would've taken it from you, you idiot!"

Haechan moves forward. "I'm more sorry than you could imagine."

"Was it all just a chore to you? Everything, all of it?"

"Listen to me." He shakes his head. "I didn't take the money, okay? I took it initially, but after the first time we met, I backed out. It felt horrible to keep doing that to someone."

"And yet you still kept following me around?!" You say, not understanding.

"That was because I was interested in you." He says without hesitance. "And after I ruined everything, I just couldn't bear to see you hurt. I feel horrible every day, it's been hell without you."

"You should've called." You meek, a tear running down your face.

"I know, I should've done a lot of things differently. I should've been honest with you sooner, I should've came clean."

"You know what the stupidest part of it all is?" You cross your arms, as you wipe at your eyes. "I would've forgiven you."

"I'm-"

"Because I love you." And you cry. God, you hated yourself right now. Crying because of a boy? And even worse, crying because of a boy? One you hadn't even known that long, but that managed to worm his way into your life, but had also caused you such sadness.

But as Haechan wraps his arms around you, whispering that he loves you back, you know he's someone worth forgiving.

EPILOGUE

As mentioned, you had made a list when you were fifteen. Unleashing your wrath among the male population after another one had cut you clean.

The list read as followed,

6 Reasons I hate boys,

1, They make everything about them.

2, They're liar's.

3, They don't mind thier business.

4, They confuse being friendly for flirting.

5, They're easy to fall in love with.

And 6, They're not so easy to hate.

Haechan cackles as you read it out, shaking his head as he stirs his coffee. "That's ridiculous."

"How so?" You place the paper down as you narrow your eyes, "Every single thing here has been proven."

"Well its not about the contents of the list," He begins, grabbing your hand. "To me, that sounds like a list of things you like about boys."

"What?!"

"C'mon, you like that I'm the center of attention. You also like when I lie to you about drama spoilers you see online to spare your feelings. Hm, and you love when I poke my head into you and Yeji's gossip sessions to give my input." He lists, counting on his fingers.

"And if I didn't confuse you for flirting, then I would've thought you hated me this whole time." He winks as you scrunch your nose. "And the last two are pretty self explanatory."

"Whatever," You roll your eyes. "You're the worst."

"But you're still dating me so."

"Against my will."

He mocks you, quirking his head to the side. "I'm going to make a list of things I love about you, but I think it'd be more than 6."

"Eww," You drag, still not used to such a sweet side of Haechan. "Corny!"

"Let me be corny!" He waves. "As long as it gets you into Renjun's bed with me."

"For the last time," You lower your voice, looking around the coffee shop. "We are not having sex in Renjun's bed!"

"He does it to me!"

"Only as revenge! And you guy's barely got on good terms again, do you really want to push it?"

He thinks about it. "Well.."

"Nope, not happening." You dismiss, looking over to the cafe counter. "Now go get me some of those cookies."

"Anything for you, my love."

And even though he's a boy, who hopelessly fits into your list.

You could never hate Lee Haechan.

Taglist: @fairyofshampgyu @lislis80 @jenoteamo @smwhrinthehazehaze @matchahyuck @ohmykwonsoonyoung @emvrd @allu-23

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neolibrary · 2 years ago

Text

find your way back home | lee donghyuck

pairing: lee donghyuck | haechan x female reader

word count: 22.5k

genre: fluff, some mentions of sex, ANGST and nostalgia lots of it, haechan-centric, slow burn

warnings: mentions of sex, excessive drinking, will talk about insomnia and depression

summary: nct’s haechan gets into a scandal after a night of drinking his ass off in hongdae, which prompts the management to put him in an indefinite hiatus. and it’s not like it’s the first time, because over the past months, haechan’s drinking problem had gone worse. hence, his parents send him back to jeju island for some healing time because his parents and managers think that maybe some time home would help. haechan laughs at the thought. if medication can’t, what can jeju island do? besides, he hasn’t been there in literal years.

author's note: this is my favorite work so far, which is why it took this long. i put my heart in here. please let me know which one is your favorite line/scene. this is also very heachan-centric, so please don't expect a lot of the reader's POV. also, may i recommend you to listen to Moon, Be There For You, Never Goodbye by NCT DREAM, Good Person by Haechan himself, and Black Clouds by NCT 127 as you read this! :) TIP ME HERE.

taglist: @mosviqu @matchahyuck @sirens-dreams @sundamariis @lovingvoidgoatee @anjaenha @thiccfullsun @665321-more @hyuckiesoftie @aliceinwhateverland @tddyhyck @anniebyanto @novawona @gimmehyuck @blxshqueen @blitz-fall @byungbyungbaek @calssunflower @funkygoose @carelessshootanonymous-blog @jungwooforever @budibbly @positionslab @beomyomom @jexizia @4everhyucks

disclaimer: names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of my imagination or used in a fictitious manner. i do not claim to own or to have invented any copyrighted characters or concepts that i write about.

Y/N = your name, Y/C/N = your childhood nickname

Haechan’s dream has always been the spotlight.

His Mother would tell her friends stories of how he would always tell her he’d be a star someday, a grin flashing across his small face on pictures and clips of him taking a stage as small as the podium in his first grade classroom, and would proudly brag that his first-born son made it to the world stage. She was so proud that she’d have his portfolio picture as her display image in her social media accounts. As a musician herself, she’d play NCT’s music out loud and would even go an extra mile by using their b-side songs when teaching their students at their small but proud music academy in the big city of Seoul. Haechan’s pictures are all over the small place they’d rented for their small business, two floors—the vocal lessons facilitated on the second floor and piano and guitar on the ground floor—and the humble husband and wife would proudly say the most successful student they’d ever had was Lee Donghyuck, now better known as Haechan.

Haechan allows her to take credit of it all, his success, because after all, she’d been the one to encourage her to take a chance at SM Entertainment’s infamous Saturday auditions. People tell Haechan he works hard, but nobody really works harder than his Mother. With sheer determination and a passionate heart, his mother would take little Donghyuck to every stage—no matter how small. Young and bright, he remembers being dragged from one contest to another, even when their family still lived in Jeju, and he’d win all of them for her. He’d take the spotlight just to see her happy and proud.

At times, Haechan wonders how much effort his mother had really put into his career. If he thinks about it now, it started with their entire family moving out of Jeju Island, completely uprooting their entire lives from the simple life in the island to give her dream a chance. People say that Haechan was born a star, that SM got lucky to have a child prodigy offer himself—bare and whole and real—who was willing to give up his childhood and education for a shot in the dark. His father had been reluctant about it, saying that they’d have to give up their entire life savings to merely move to Seoul—considering plane tickets and security deposits need to be sent prior to moving—and that taking a loan wouldn’t be ideal when they could barely make ends meet with four children growing up too fast. A shot in the dark, a flip of a coin, the luck of a draw. They say he was meant for this, was meant for the stage and the lights and the applause, but to Haechan, it’s not really fate. It’s just his mother doing all the work, and he’d take the spotlight for her.

Because Haechan likes the attention. He likes the good and the bad. The cheers and the applause. The painful arm slaps from Mark when he’s annoyed him enough. The head pats and hugs Taeil gives him when he’s being cute and when he lives up to his maknae image. The viral videos of him all over the internet for simply walking down the stage.

And his mother couldn’t be prouder to have a reliable son like him. She had always dreamed of the spotlight herself, but the timing was never right for her—hence Haechan living her dream, her spotlight, had been one of, if not the biggest accomplishments of her life.

The night is cold. Haechan feels dizzy when flashes of the lights coming from the small window of the bar’s building hit his face. He hates the lights, he hates being seen, and it makes him throw up when, as soon as he closes his eyes, it’s his mother that he sees.

Would his mother still be so proud when she learns that, after a long weekend of a back to back concert with NCT 127, his son would be getting a blowjob from a stranger at the back of some sleazy bar he had found online?

“Please tell me this isn’t real.”

Mark Lee is only twenty-three, but with how his forehead’s skin is wrinkling, he might as well invest in several sessions of botox shots. He’s holding his phone up to Haechan’s face, as if bringing the device closer to the younger’s eyes would deny the article that Dispatch uploaded at five in the fucking morning.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Haechan denies, voice bored, tired. “We might have done other things, but I didn’t sleep with her.”

Mark lets out a groan of frustration, throwing his phone behind Haechan, the device landing on the carpeted floor. Haechan doesn’t even flinch even though it almost hit him.

“Haechan, what the fuck is going on, man?” Mark asks, demands to know what really is going on with his best friend, or whoever he’s speaking with now. “You know SM is going to kill you, right?”

Haechan shrugs. “What are they gonna do? Fire me?”

“You know they can!” Mark shouts, walking back and forth while Haechan remains seated on the couch, unbothered. “You’ve seen them do it! To our seniors! To the people you trained with. You think you’re big time, huh? That just because you’re essential in both units, they wouldn’t send you to some dungeon?”

Haechan laughs bitterly. He reckons being placed in a dungeon would be much better than the hell he’s living in now. “Now that,” he mocks. “Would be the ultimate dream.”

“You’re a fucking nightmare,” Mark says, pointing a finger to Haechan, enunciating each syllable so it goes through his skull.

But nothing can really make Lee Haechan budge anymore—not an expensive, hard device laterally thrown to his face, and not even his best friend (if he could still call him that) blatantly showing how disgusted he is with him—and he can’t really blame anyone. It used to he frightening to see Mark angry at something he did. Used to.

Haechan doesn’t really know what to say, so he chuckles bitterly and leans his head back so that it’s against the backrest, pondering whether it’s a good time to drink the bottle of vodka he’s been keeping under his bed.

“It’s funny because I don’t even know what having a nightmare feels like.”

Mark huffs, seemingly had given up on Haechan, then leaves the room alongside the small piece of sanity that the younger had left. Haechan bolts, sitting up real quick, but too slow because Mark is already out of the door. Haechan likes attention, and even though Mark Lee makes his head hurt, he likes the attention. Haechan likes that Mark is angry at him.

His manager calls him next, (as expected) voice angry as if he’s about to explode, and tells him his publicist is doing her very best to answer every god damn call from every magazine and news outlet. But none of those magazine and news outlets who have called had posted something to clear the situation; none of them were buying it. Haechan thinks it’s fucking ridiculous anyway. There were pictures and videos of him sneaking out with Hana or Hari, whatever her name was, and a clip of him zipping his pants up as they try to hide from the flashes of lights. Who the fuck would believe he was just out exploring with his 35-year old, happily-married-with-kids personal assistant?

And it’s too late, anyway, because what was the point of it all when his most loyal and long-time fan sites have all shut down overnight, his Instagram followers reducing down to five million in a matter of hours since Dispatch posted that article, and his best friends blatantly ignoring him with the exception of Mark confronting him, but of course, Haechan had to screw that up, too.

“They’re calling you in for a meeting,” his manager concludes with a sigh after elaborating what had been done to patch up the entire mess. “Be ready for whatever they have to say. Don’t expect me to have your back because I’m over it, Haechan. Whatever they decide to do with you, you fucking deserve it.”

The call ends. Haechan didn’t even get to talk.

He looks at the screen of his phone. There were a million of calls and text messages from his agency, half of it were from his mother, and the last thing he really wants now is to hear her voice. He scrolls through it all, chest tightening when he realizes nobody from Jaemin, Renjun and Jeno had tried to call him. Haechan knows he’s an asshole, deserving to be the receiving end of all the shouting and cussing, and he’s probably made the dumbest mistake of his entire life, but he’d live the stardom’s life long enough, he’d be okay. But a call from his best friends would have been a breather.

Haechan understands, what his manager said, that he shouldn’t really expect anyone to have his back after all that’s transpired in the last few of months.

You see, Haechan developed insomnia. He’d look the symptoms up in the internet, and it’s described as a common sleeping disorder that can make it hard for people to fall asleep, or if one’s attempt to drift off is successful, to stay asleep. Taeyong had said it’s a common disorder for idols, that their seniors from groups like EXO and SHINEE had all gone to psychologists for help, but Haechan didn’t really want to make a big deal out of it. He relied on what Naver offered him one morning when the sun’s already out and his eyes are still wide open.

Stress and anxiety were the major causes. Some resources say it could be from a poor sleeping environment such as an uncomfortable bed or bad lighting or temperature. One claims that it could also be from one’s lifestyle, like jetlag from traveling frequently, or drinking one too many caffeine-infused doses of fluids. It all could be factors why Haechan’s been getting 8-10 hours of sleep a week, and he acknowledges that he doesn’t really have the best lifestyle—and it’s not like he’s ever had the choice since NCT blew up.

So, he’d consulted Taeyong again, through a text, and all he’d gotten was a link to a study that insomnia can be caused by mental health conditions such as depression, followed by his therapist’s phone number.

Among all the causes he’d gathered, Haechan could confidently rule out depression because there’s no fucking way he’s sad. There’s barely any reason to be sad. Sure, he’d miss his siblings most of the time and he hates the feeling of seeing any of them cry whenever he had to leave, but nothing is more gratifying than the relief of seeing them happy whenever he comes home with luxurious gifts or plane tickets to Tokyo for a vacation. Haechan likes making people happy, and Mark tells him he’s always been a people pleaser. At times, he’d think his happiness depends on the happiness of the people he loves and values, and people around him are happy.

Hence, Haechan is happy.

Or at least, was happy.

Because the insomnia got worse—not that Haechan’s dealt with it enough to know whether it’s getting better or worse—but it was bad. He would come home exhausted as fuck after an entire day of dancing and singing, and he knows he’s tired because his body tells him so. Haechan would lie on bed, body drained from all energy, but his eyes would be wide open for an entire night. He’d only fall asleep when the sun’s started to seep through his curtains, a good hour before his manager would wake him for the next schedule. It was manageable, and the tour was a good excuse for the insomnia, but it followed him even on his days off, even in the beginning of the pandemic when there little to zero schedules that would have caused him anxiety or stress.

Therefore, reluctantly, he’d visited a doctor to get a prescription for some meds he could take to help him sleep. He’d lied, though, that it wasn’t that bad and that he would need it only on nights after shows, because he knew they’d only refer him to a therapist. Haechan doesn’t need a therapist. He could just talk to his mother about it, and she’d know what to say to make him feel better. To make him keep going.

It was fine until the melatonin supplements stopped working. Sometime last year, if he remembers right, when he thought he’d gone crazy because everything stopped working for him. There was a bottle of soju, half empty, from the fridge he had in the corner of the room he shared with Johnny, and he reckoned it could help. As soon as the bottle was empty, Haechan felt drowsy; he was out like the light half an hour later.

But just like the prescription from the doctor he can’t even remember the name of, drinking half a bottle worked. Johnny would give him suspicious looks when he would see Haechan stocking up soju inside their room, but he doesn’t ever say anything. Because alcohol made him sleep, until it didn’t. Until half a bottle stopped working. Until an entire bottle is no longer enough. Until Taeyong’s decided that there should be no alcohol inside anyone’s fridge, both fifth and tenth floors.

Hence, the drinking problem.

Haechan wonders what’s next. The sleeping problem, then the drinking problem. It looks like here is it, the next one: the scandal.

When Haechan was a trainee, his greatest fear was getting removed from the agency.

There was an assessment every quarter, and the CEO himself would sit down in a panel alongside other producers and choreographers to identify which of the trainees would move on to another level and which ones would have to go home. Each time they had to go through the assessment, Haechan, alongside other existing members of NCT, would spend long days inside the training room. He would fear that the CEO would ask him to rap all of a sudden because Haechan can’t rap to save his god damn life at that time. He would fear that his mother would receive a call and find out his beloved son, whom she spent so much money on just to get ballet classes, failed and would need to go home.

Today, Haechan fears none of those.

The decision to put him in an indefinite hiatus was quick to make, not that Haechan expected anything less.

The news was out the second they threw him out of the meeting room (but not before the CEO slapping him right across the face, his left cheek throbbing in pain he’s oddly happy he could feel) and his bags were packed before he could even tell his members. The dorms were empty when he arrived, and there was no time to visit Dream’s place; Haechan knew he could just call, or visit. His family lives twenty minutes away, a short ride from downtown. He’d figure it out, like he always would.

What fazes him is what he comes home to.

His father offers him a one-way ticket, says his mother is still too upset to look even at Haechan in the face, that she’s spending the night in her friend’s house. The domestic flight ticket is bound to Jeju Island, and it boards tomorrow morning.

“Your grandmother will be waiting for you,” his father says, eyes everywhere but Haechan’s. “Your mother thinks it would be the best for now. Your agency knows, of course, and they’re helping us ensure you get your privacy in Jeju-do. We just need you to stay there for a bit, Donghyuck. Might help.”

“Dad,” Haechan pleads, Dad sounding foreign to him now. He’s stopped calling him Dad years ago, right before he debuted in NCT, and had been calling him Father. He’s not sure why he’a suddenly calling him that now, perhaps it’s the sinking feeling in his stomach, but Haechan is desperate for another solution. “You can’t send me back in the island. I haven’t lived in grandmother’s house since I was twelve.”

“Don’t act like the place isn’t civilized, Donghyuck,” his father sighs. “You’ll be okay. You can take your expensive gaming laptop with you so you can entertain yourself while you’re on vacation. It’s only going to be a few months.”

“A few months?” Haechan cries. “I can’t live there anymore!”

“The agency decided not to terminate their contract with you,” his father reveals. “Apparently, you’re too talented to let go of. Your mother and I are very grateful they didn’t. All they want in return is for you to go back in six months—sober and full of life again. Your therapist suggests you go to a vacation.”

“I don’t have a therapist?”

“The doctor who prescribed you sleeping pills? You didn’t tell us you had insomnia.”

“Fuck you,” Haechan spits before he could even think about it. “Neither you nor mother thought of asking me what’s been going on. Dad, I wanted you to scold me. To punch me in the fucking gut and tell me I’ve ruined everything. I wanted mother to yell at me until my ear bleeds, so I can find the motivation to work hard and make her happy again.”

“Donghyuck, we–”

“Don’t call me that!” He yells. “The first thing that came to your mind was how grateful you are that I’m not fired from my job? I’m not some retirement plan! I’m your son!”

“Keep it down. Your siblings are–”

”Donghyuck-hyung?” Haechan turns. Gyeom stands at the end of the hallway, seemingly woken up from his slumber, and Dongmin hides behind the younger one to see what’s going on. Haechan doesn’t even see Seungyeon come out of her room. He just hears her door shut loudly, the lock clicking, and realize he fucked up big time.

He takes a look at the ticket from his father’s hand.

It’s ridiculous. If the melatonin pills he’s taking are not helping with his stupid insomnia, and drinking a bottle of soju works as equally as useless, what the fuck could work? They think a recreational vacation to fucking Jeju Island would do shit?

Fuck his parents, honestly.

Fuck his siblings for not even giving him a hug as soon as he entered their home.

Fuck his members for not checking up on him.

Fuck the entire god damn world.

He rips the ticket from his father’s hand and turns to leave, taking the same bags he’d brought in a few minutes ago. The flight is tomorrow morning, but Haechan calls a taxi to take him to the airport.

Sleeping (or at least, trying to) in the uncomfortable airport seats is a fucking pain in the ass, literally. But nothing more hurts than the look on his family’s face: the blankness in his father’s and the fright from his siblings.

Jeju fucking Island. Way to end the day.

When Haechan was younger, his grandmother would take him to the Camellia Hills on the weekends. While kids his age would be taken in Aqua Planet to see thousands of animals and plant species to ease their shoulders from studies, Haechan would be running around fields of camellia and hydrangea flowers. They would spend hours just walking around trees of over five hundred different kinds of wildflowers. His grandmother would take pictures of him and let him eat whatever he wanted at a nearby restaurant, and his siblings would always cry and complain why Nana only wanted to bring Haechan. There wasn’t a particular reason, of course, it was only because the younger ones were too difficult for their grandmother to look after on a trip to Camellia Hill. Little Donghyuckie was well-behaved albeit his bold and obnoxious nature. He would do whatever his Nana would ask him.

Haechan’s always claimed that he’s the favorite despite his grandmother repeatedly saying she doesn’t do favorites, and he knows deep in his heart that he is. He is, after all, the first grandchild, and he spent a lot of time with his Nana alone for many years while they were in Jeju.

His grandmother used to sing him to sleep at night. When his younger sister was born, Nana stayed with them in Seoul for a while to help his parents adjust to having two kids, considering Haechan’s age gap with Seungyeon is only a year. Nana made sure Haechan slept well every night, in a separate room from his parents because newborn Seungyeon who wouldn’t let anyone sleep past one in the morning. She’d sing him songs from The Beatles in broken English, and Haechan likes to think that even though both his parents were musicians, the reason why he could sing well was his Nana.

She eventually had to move back to Jeju Island as soon as the family had settled, but years later, at the age of seven, his grandfather died and Nana was left all alone to tend to their land and business, hence the Lee family packed their bags to stay at Nana’s supposedly for the summer, but ended up with the decision of staying for her.

Nana had problems sleeping when his grandfather died. Haechan used to find her awake when he’d need a glass of water or to go to the toilet at two in the morning. She’d be watching television, a nighttime talk show she used to like, or reading a book from his grandfather’s shelf. The lights in her home were always on.

So, Haechan started singing her to sleep just like how she did when he was a child.

She’d tell him, “Oh, my Donghyuckie, you have such a nice voice. Why don’t you sing more?”

Then she’d fall asleep while Haechan wondered why lovers die at different times, why one has to go first and the other is left on Earth trying to sleep well every night.

Upon his arrival in Jeju-do, his grandmother doesn’t pick him up from the airport like he’d expected, so he takes a taxi from the airport to her house. Haechan knows what their home looks like despite not visiting since his training days. They own a small hectare of land filled with tangerine trees, and his grandmother had been the sole operator of it all for many years until she had to start hiring people here and there to manage things for her when her age caught up with her. His father used to travel back and forth to see how things are here and there, but eventually stopped when Nana had found people she can rely on—which Haechan is very glad about.

He must be an asshole, or a prick, or a hypocrite to even say this but he’s been thinking about her more often than he calls. If he recalls right, the last time he’d called was three months ago, on her birthday, but it was two-minute exchange of generic how are yous and please stay healthys. She would call, of course, but Haechan would always have something as an excuse: a dance practice, a trip to Japan for a show, a photoshoot, something. Something to cover up the fact that he hasn’t been the best grandson to her in a long time.

He arrives and the first thing he notices is a hammock hanging in between the posts of her patio. A kick of nostalgia hits him because grandfather put up a hammock at the back of their home once, when Haechan was around five years old and they were visiting the couple for the summer. Her grandmother used to tell Haechan that the hammock is the best place to take his afternoon naps, hence little Donghyuck would spend most of his afternoons lying on a hammock made of strong nylon.

Shaking off the nostalgia, Haechan clears his throat. “Nana! I’m home!”

“Donghyuckie, is that you?” she calls from somewhere. Haechan walks over to the patio and drops his bags.

Nana comes out from the side of the house, her favorite pink apron on, grey hair hidden by a hair cap. “Oh, sweetheart.”

Haechan sees her age simply by the way she stands. Her back is hunched more than it was the last time he saw her during Chuseok last year. The wrinkles in the edges of her eyes and around her mouth are much more evident. The skin on her neck is loose, and so is the skin on her arms and everywhere.

For a second, Haechan feels like he’s seven again, seeing her for the first time since summer, her eyes not as happy as they were from the last time they’d been in Jeju-do, when grandfather was still alive. Haechan suddenly is taken back to when she’d hug him so, so tightly, crying to his shoulder, telling him harabeoji had left her while she was asleep. He remembers his heart dropping down to the ground when he saw her breaking down, his loving grandmother—who was always bright and happy, whom people would say he got his personality from—at her lowest. It’s the same wave of sadness Haechan feels looking at her now—looking at the years painted in her skin. Her memories blurring out the color of her eyes. Decades of hard work and labor tainted on the callouses on her fingers. Glints of loneliness spread throughout the wrinkles on her face.

Haechan has been all over the world for years now. Years of training and sleepless nights perfecting a performance had led him to where he is now. People who speak different languages love him and cheer for him even with countries and continents in between. He’s made millions happy by simply singing songs or saying hi in a fan call. And while he’s done of all of these, what had he done for his grandmother? People have been watching him grow up, who was watching Nana all this time?

Haechan chokes on his own tears. His grandmother, his Nana, opens her arms like Haechan is not the person the world hates right now. She hugs him like Haechan is not the person who had potentially ruined the group his best friend Mark had worked hard on. She holds him in her arms like Haechan is not the person who scared his siblings and cursed his own father. Nana takes him inside her home like he’s her Donghyuck again.

Haechan feels like he’s her Donghyuckie again.

Contrary to popular belief, Donghyuck doesn’t like affection as much as Haechan does.

He believes that being offered tenderness is the very proof that you’ve been ruined, and Haechan likes to think that with the life he has now, he’s not really in the position to talk about his life’s struggles. Because there are more people in the world who deserves to talk about their pain. Donghyuck doesn’t deserve as much.

Hence, the nostalgia goes away as quickly as it arrives. Haechan spends the rest of the day trying to sleep in his grandmother’s spare room and doesn’t even bother answering when his grandmother knocked on his door to invite him for lunch despite him being wide awake.

Haechan gets up at five in the afternoon, just when the sun is about to set, eyes heavy. The sky looks a lot like the color of his own skin, he notices, and he thinks about how beautiful the sky would be in Han River and recalls how him and Mark (and sometimes Doyoung) would lie on the ground, letting their skin soak in the sun slowly sinking down to its rest.

But none of that is close to happening because he’s here. In Jeju-do. Stuck like some twelve-year old sent to camp for an entire summer because his parents can’t stand him.

Haechan’s train of (bitter) thoughts is interrupted with a loud plonk from the wooden patio, which is right outside his window. He pulls his curtains slightly to peek, and he finds you on the floor on your side, groaning like a kid and massaging your back. It looks like you’d just fallen out of the hammock.

Curious, Haechan gets up and quickly slips out of his room to see you on their front porch.

“And Nana says it’s the most comfortable place to sleep on,” he hears you mumble as you get up, eyes meeting his as soon as you see him. Your eyes widen in shock, probably recognizing him, but you quickly catch yourself and look down.

“You are?” Haechan asks, towering over you.

You clear your throat. “Y/N.”

“I don’t mean your name, pumpkin,” he replies. “What do you do here?”

Haechan smirks at the way one of your eyebrows raised, clearly already infuriated at his attitude. You’re wearing a white shirt that’s too big for you underneath your denim overalls. The pair of boots sitting under the hammock is a clear sign that you’re a farmer tending to the tangerine trees on the land right beside the house, separated by a fence and his grandmother’s home garden.

“I manage your grandmother’s land,” you answer, stance defensive. “And it looks like you’re the delinquent grandson they sent away for the summer?”

Haechan chuckles, liking how you’re bark and bite, wondering how far he can push you, because the last thing he really wants is someone staying at his grandmother’s house. Too close. Too easy to see everything. You’d make millions selling him to the tabloids. He’d honestly rather hear people saying how much of an asshole he is, than have people invading his grandmother’s privacy while he’s here.

“You mean the world star, right?” he brags, licking his upper lip. “And you manage the land we own? Sounds a lot like a farmer to me.”

You stifle a laugh. You’re not at all intimidated. “Oh, pumpkin, I think the last thing you’d want to do in Jeju-do is insult a farmer for their job. The agricultural structure of Jeju Island has done more than you thrusting your hips up on the air for young, easily-manipulated teenage girls, Donghyuck.”

“So, you know my name?”

You click your tongue and turn around, proceeding to slip your boots back on. “How could I not know?”

“Because I’m a world star, right. How could you not know?”

Haechan watches you tie the laces up of your boots. You don’t give him another glance and leave, stomping your feet down the stairs to the ground until you’re out of his sight.

“Hey, you’re awake,” Nana says from inside. The door is wide open. “Where’s Y/N?”

She walks towards where Haechan stands, looking around for you. “That girl. I told her to stay for dinner. What’d you do, Donghyuck-ah?”

“Nothing,” he mumbles, annoyed at how Nana is more concerned about you leaving than ensuring his privacy. He’s a star, for god’s sake. “Why’d you let her sleep here, anyway? And have her stay for dinner? Aren’t you scared she might sell me off to some magazine for, I don’t know, one million won?”

“Why would Y/N sell you—“ his grandmother sighs. “Not everyone is out to get you, Donghyuck-ah.”

“Why does she even know my birth name?” he questions. “That’s like, too much, Nana. Don’t share things like that.”

His grandmother slaps his arm. “Ow! What’d you do that for?”

“You’re a moron!” she screeches. “That was Y/N! She waited for you to wake up all day!”

“That’s creepy!”

“Y/C/N,” Nana enunciates. Haechan remembers. “Her childhood nickname. Does it ring a bell?”

“Y/N—” he breathes out. Frozen. “—is Y/C/N?”

Haechan has always had an affinity with flowers, long before he named his fans sunflowers.

His grandparents had a larger flower garden as compared to how it is now. They’d planted tangerine trees in place of the fields of beautiful red azalea and rhododendron blossoms. On spring days, the cherry blossoms were infinite, and little Donghyuck used to spend a lot of time looking at the flowers and making necklaces out of them.

You used to (still do, perhaps) live down the street, and your parents used to help out in the farm when your grandparents needed another pair of hands to harvest the tangerines. Little Donghyuck met you when he was six.

If he recalls it right, it was the second day of summer, a hundred something days before they had to return back to Seoul. He found you lying under a cherry blossom tree, eyes closed, allowing hundreds of pink petals to drown you in their beauty. Little Donghyuck lied down beside you, upside-down but his head is right beside yours. He’s always been a curious kid, so he wanted to know why you were letting the pink petals rain on you. There was nothing special about it. Just petals falling when the wind blows a certain direction.

When he opened his eyes, you turn to look at him, your eyebrows were furrowed the way they were when Haechan found you on the floor of his patio earlier, right after you’d fallen from the hammock.

“Hey,” you had said. “You’re the kid from Nana’s house, right?”

“She’s my Nana,” he corrected, closing his eyes once again. “And yes, I’m the kid from Nana’s house. You are?”

“My mom calls me Y/C/N,” you answered. “Are you staying for the summer?”

He nodded. “Only for the summer. We’re leaving before school starts.”

“Do you like flowers?” you asked.

“We don’t have a lot of flowers in Seoul,” Little Donghyuck mumbled. “But I love flowers. Last summer, Nana took me to Camellia Hills to see the flowers bloom in May.”

“Then you should stay,” you trailed off. “If you love flowers and Seoul doesn’t offer much, then you should stay.”

“What about school?” Donghyuck had asked, opening his eyes to look at you. You’re looking at him, upside-down and all. Donghyuck’s never seen someone more beautiful. “You’re pretty.”

Your eyes widened. You immediately hide your face from him using your hands. “We’re only five. I can’t have a boyfriend at five years old.”

“Maybe when we’re older.”

Haechan doesn’t remember much from the day you met, but he got close to you during that summer in 2006, even more when his family moved back to Jeju-do in 2007. Your friendship blossomed from walking together in first grade throughout primary school until he’d graduated and eventually moved back to Seoul.

He can’t believe that he’d forgotten your name, and a part of him knows it’s because he’s always called you by your childhood nickname, but a larger part of him likes to think that it’s because he’s almost twenty-three now—it’s been almost ten years. He’s met probably thousands of people at this point, and with the lifestyle he has, he really can’t afford to remember each person he spends time with. Not even the girl he spent his entire childhood in Jeju-do with.

So, Haechan forgives himself before he could ask for yours. He reckons you’d understand. You know him, somehow. You kept in touch until Haechan got into SM in 2013 and high school and training got the best of him. He changed his number and lost contact with almost everyone in Jeju-do, even his closest friends, and you were one them.

Life as a singer means Haechan had to sacrifice a lot of things.

Most people know an idol sacrifices having a normal life—playing in the streets, trying out to be a part of the basketball team, dating at fifteen years old, prom, staying at one classmate’s house for a group project—and it includes forgetting the people you used to be close with.

One of the rules in SM when he was a trainee was to not get in touch with the people from their past. One of their managers used to tell them that their lives are divided into two parts: before training and after training; and to be successful in the industry means to forget who you were before training. They’d deleted all of his social media, which means he disconnected from the people he knew before he was Haechan. They’d deleted who he was before Haechan.

Many sacrifices, indeed. The list goes on, and at the end of it was your name.

“She never left Jeju-do?” Haechan asks, curious, as he ate the dinner Nana made for him. “Like not even for college?”

“She didn’t go to college at all,” Nana answers. “And she likes it here. Why do you make staying in Jeju-do sound like a living hell?”

Haechan shrugs. “It’s not like that, Nana. I mean, God knows what I’d do to get a normal life and go to college in Seoul and do what normal people in their early twenties do.”

Nana smiles at him. “This is probably what normal is for her. Not everyone has big dreams like you.”

“Why wouldn’t they?” Haechan asks. “Dreams are free. It doesn’t cost anything to dream. Why wouldn’t people want to have big dreams?”

“Aren’t you the lucky one to have a dream and to be able to live your dream?” Nana says. She finishes up her meal and watches Haechan eat. “How are you, Donghyuck-ah?”

Haechan stops chewing and braces himself. Nobody’s asked him how he is. He continues chewing like it’s not a question that’s been weighing him under.

“I’m okay,” he answers, mouth full of food. “They didn’t fire me. So, I guess I should be grateful. I’m okay.”

“You know that you don’t have to lie to Nana, right?” She asks, smile kind and warm.

And Haechan wants to say it all. Out loud. Maybe even cry.

But he is not about to let his grandmother carry his burdens with her. Burdens that shouldn’t even matter because he’s so lucky to have the life he has now. Burdens that are nothing compared to other people’s.

“Come on, Donghyuck-ah,” she urges. “Talk to Nana. Tell me what’s wrong, my dear.”

“Halmeoni,” he firmly says. “I said I’m okay. I’m tired. Thank you for the meal.” He bows and stands to leave.

Life has a singer means Haechan had to sacrifice a lot, indeed.

Nana leaves a box of things Haechan would need while he’s in Jeju-do before her trusted chauffeur takes her to the town’s market for some business.

Haechan finds himself wearing the same fit as you the day before: a pair of overalls, an old, non-branded shirt that looks like it’s been worn and washed 300 times. Nana left a list of chores to do, and there’s no way Haechan is doing all of those. He’s taking a walk around the fields, supervise like how the owner’s grandson should, bask on the sunlight for a bit, then go back to his room and play some games with strangers online.

You’re waiting by the patio, sitting and looking at the opposite direction so he only sees your back, when Haechan comes out, dressed up for the role but not ready for whatever today brings him.

“Took you long enough,” you grumble as he steps out of the house. You stand and turn to look at him. “Lock the door and let’s get going. You’re late on your first day.”

“Chill out, sweet cheeks,” he scoffs, reaching behind the door and locking it before slamming it shut. “You’re not the boss of me.”

You nod, chuckling. “I’m not. But your grandmother is. And she added your list to the name of workers joining us to harvest today. You will be paid by the hour.”

Haechan gasps lightly in disbelief. “I don’t need to work. We own this place.”

“Hmm,” you hum, feigning curiosity as you tap your index finger to your chin as if you’re thinking hard. “You know I manage this whole place, right? Which means I also manage its taxes and permits annually. I’ve never seen your name in any of the papers I play with every day.”

“Same fucking thing,” he mumbles, walking past you to reach the gate. Haechan finds two horses waiting for him outside. He turns, ready to ask you what kind of joke you’re pulling on him, but he finds you going around the house, perhaps to make sure everything’s locked and all. You catch up on him, eyebrows raised when he points to the horses.

“Don’t tell me you can’t ride a horse,” you ask, seemingly in disbelief that someone like him isn’t capable of riding a horse. “You can’t work in the fields just walking. You’ll tire yourself out and will waste most of your working hours just walking.”

“I—I’m really not—” Haechan falters for a second, but comes back as quickly as he goes. “It’s been years since the last time I rode a horse. I’m not certain if I can do that now.” You give him a questioning look. “Besides. I’m a celebrity if you haven’t noticed it already. What if I break a bone?”

“You’ll live.”

“What if I fall and break my face?”

“Seoul has the best plastic surgeons.”

“My legs! They were injured before. I can’t afford to get another injury!”

“You’ll be fine. You’re such a drama queen.”

“I’m a star!”

At that, you burst out into a fit of laughter, the kind that Haechan would normally join in, because what he just said is truly ridiculous. He can’t believe he said that himself. But, of course, he can’t just laugh with, basically, a stranger.

“Oh my God, Lee Donghyuck,” you say in between laughter.

Something ignites something in him, the way you just said his name.

Haechan is a name he loves, an alter-ego he adores, a character he lives. Full sun, because that’s what he wants to be. He wants to bring light to everyone looking up to him, and he wants to be remembered by the way his voice warms the entire planet. He loves hearing cheers and applause when he introduces himself as Haechan. Because Haechan is talented. Haechan is an ace, an all-rounder who can do anything an idol is expected to do, perhaps even more. Haechan is bright and positive, and he likes making people laugh and at the same time uncomfortable of the influx of skinship he offers. Haechan loves the lights and cameras on stage, and he adores the way his name is in every city he goes to.

Meanwhile, Lee Donghyuck, he’s heard in a million times. Mark still calls him Donghyuck like they never aged since 2013, even Doyoung and Jeno. His parents seldom call him Haechan, never for Nana. His fans also have been calling him Donghyuck since they learned his birth name is Donghyuck, sometimes Hyuck or Hyuckie, which he finds really endearing.

Yet no one’s ever called him his name like he’s nothing but just Lee Donghyuck. Not for a long time. Not from someone before Haechan.

Donghyuck suddenly feels like he’s twelve again, the year he left Jeju-do and had to say goodbye to all of his friends with a promise to keep in touch and to never forget. Donghyuck finds himself looking at the way you’re laughing, how you have your eyes closed, mouth agape and melodies of your amusement coming out like a song he thought he’d forgotten but know all the words to, and he finds himself thinking, maybe being Lee Donghyuck isn’t so bad.

His first day at the farm didn’t go as quick as expected and if Donghyuck could say so himself, it’s the longest fucking day in his entire life.

Evidently, he couldn’t ride a horse to save his life. He doesn’t even know why he’d told you it’s been a long time when the only time he ever rode a horse was when he was eleven for a field trip and only to take a god damn picture to make his mother smile. You and him were only a couple of horse steps or whatever away from Nana’s home and his horse was already squirming and more like threatening to throw him ten meters away, hence, you begrudgingly offered to have him ride with you. Donghyuck didn’t decline, of course, because it was either walk around the place under the hot sun or die at the hands of a stupid horse. You had let him sit behind you, skillfully and impressively holding the other horse by its rope, Donghyuck’s arms reluctantly wrapped around your waist because he didn’t want to fall, and if you were uncomfortable, you didn’t say anything about it.

You had taken him to a tour within his grandparents’ land, and Donghyuck is already twenty-three when he realized his grandparents are big time, like for real. The land isn’t as big as the others, ones that are owned by a big corporation, people who aren’t even from Jeju-do but like to play agricultural monopoly, but it’s bigger than most. Nana was too humbled when she’d told him the night before that he would need to help out in their “small” business.

The business is nowhere near small, with hundreds of tangerine trees scattered around, blooming in the famous Jeju-do delicacy, and she had forty to fifty employees working for her.

“Not really like full-time employees,” you had explained when Donghyuck verbalized his surprise with the number of people working for the farm. “Normally, it’s just me and Nana and a few other people who handle the delivery, quality assurance, and sales in the farmer’s market, which I’d need to take you to tomorrow, and also some folks from Seoul who handle the cargo shipping to the cities. But when it’s harvest season, we really would need more than ten pairs of hands to help out.”

“So, like, all year, there’s only around ten people are here,” Donghyuck confirmed, hands still on your waist as the horse came to a stop. “And on harvest season, Nana hires more people to help out. That’s really nice. Could be a good summer job for students and all.”

You hummed in agreement, patting the horse that Donghyuck learned you named as Daisy. “But normally, you’d find older people working here instead of the younger ones.”

“Oh?” Donghyuck’s curious. “That’s a little odd. I mean, isn’t the job physically tiring?”

You shrugged. “The elderly, well, they don’t really have a lot of opportunities to work here, you know, considering that Jeju-do has become more of like a tourist island than a self-sufficient, thriving agricultural place. You’ve probably heard of the water park they’d built nearby the airport and other big corporations taking over and building their stores here and there. And of course, they’d most likely hire younger people who can relate to the Korean Wave your group caused, right?”

“Keeping tabs?”

You scoffed at that. “As if! Now, get down before I ask Daisy to wiggle her ass and throw you off.”

After the supposed short tour that took an hour because, well, their land is enormous, you take him where some of the elderly people are harvesting.

“This is Donghyuck,” you’d introduced. “Nana’s grandson from Seoul. He’ll be helping us today. So, halmeoni, don’t even think about getting him off the hook because he’s Nana’s grandson. He will be paid for the day like everyone else. You wouldn’t want someone to get paid the same, only to work half of what you do, right?”

The older women laughed at the way you’d introduced him, and he feels his heart swell with the way you’re laughing with them and how they looked at him with so much tenderness. And normally, Donghyuck doesn’t like the look of tenderness, especially when directed to him, but today, it felt warm. Warmth like never before.

“You grew up so handsome, Donghyuck-ah,” one of the women said. “But I thought you’d be taller, you know. You had such long limbs when you were younger.”

Donghyuck feigned offense, clutching his chest. “Ahjumma, you should’ve stopped at the word handsome.”

“Tangerines ripen earlier than other citruses, so they can escape damage from freezes that will harm midseason varieties such as grapefruit and sweet oranges. Most varieties will be ready for picking during the winter and early spring, although the exact tangerine harvest time depends on the cultivar and region,” you explain, following the lead while Donghyuck and two other guys around yours and his age trail behind you. He apparently needs some training before he can start working.

“How do we know if they’re ready to be picked?” Joohyuk, one of the part-timers, ask.

You will know it’s about harvest time for tangerines when the fruit is a good shade of orange and begins to soften a bit. This is your chance to do a taste test,” you answer, stopping to show an abundant tangerine tree. You pick one out and show it to Donghyuck and the rest. “Cut the fruit from the tree at the stem with hand pruners. If after your taste test the fruit has reached its ideal juicy sweetness, proceed to snip other fruit from the tree with the hand pruners.”

You proceed to show them how it’s cut and hand them a piece each. Donghyuck likes that the fruit is sweet, not sour.

The ahjummas find your group and start handing baskets to Donghyuck and the guys, telling them they’d guide them all throughout.

He found himself spending the rest of the morning getting to know the people harvesting tangerines and making them laugh like it’s his job. He learned all their names one by one, their families briefly, and what they used to do before they retired. By the time it’s lunch, Donghyuck was about to say goodbye and perhaps ask you to take him back to his house, the group from the other side of the farm joined their area, all packed with bags of lunch.

They asked him to join, of course, but Donghyuck refused, in respect of their time to relax and take a break, and asked if you could take him home instead. You agreed, of course, mumbling that you would also need to go home to feed your dog.

“I’ll pick you up at 1:15,” you say as soon as Donghyuck lands on his feet. “Don’t sleep, please. The ahjummas will be expecting you. It’ll be a lot hotter, so drench your celebrity skin with twice the amount of sunscreen you’d normally use.”

“Yeah,” Donghyuck responds, itching to say thank you, but not enough to actually say it. He rubs Daisy’s neck instead. “You—I, okay.”

“O-kay,” you nod and whistle to signal Daisy to turn and walk the other way.

Nana waits for him by the patio. “How was your first day?”

“It’s not even over yet,” he sighs, slumping his butt on one of the patio’s stairs. “Nana, I can’t believe you’re making me work while I’m on vacation.”

“Your father never said anything about a vacation,” she responds, smiling as she struggles to sit beside him. Donghyuck helps her. “You’re here for some time away from work, right?”

“Yeah, a vacation,” he emphasizes.

Nana reaches to move the fringe covering a part of his eyes. “Let’s call this your healing time. But I wouldn’t call it a vacation because a vacation for you only means playing computer games until the sun rises then sleeping all day.”

“You should stop talking to Seungyeon about me,” he mumbles, looking sideways to find his grandmother looking at him lovingly. “And I don’t only play computer games. I also listen to a lot of music.”

“Try not to think about the limelight while you’re here,” she says. “The farm needs some help now. And it’s the best time for you to learn about the family business in case you don’t make it back in Seoul.” Donghyuck groans, burying his face in his hands, and Nana laughs at him. “That’s a possibility you should be considering, Donghyuck-ah.”

“Nana, you’re making me feel worse,” he whines. “You just told me not to think about the limelight, how can I not when you just said what you said!”

“I’m only joking,” she admits. “No one is ever going to take the limelight away from you, Donghyuck-ah, even if they try. You were born for the stage, and I know it’s everything you’ve ever wanted.”

Donghyuck looks up at her. “Is it bad that it’s all I want?”

Nana shakes her head and offers a kind smile. “Having a dream like yours is never bad, Donghyuck-ah. I know that eventually you’d have to leave and go back to where you really belong: the limelight. But all I’m saying is, stepping out of the light isn’t as bad as you think it is.”

“Right.”

“Tell me how it was in the farm.”

“The ladies love me,” he chuckles. “I’m quite popular even in the small villages of Jeju-do, aren’t I?”

“You sure are,” she agrees. “They’ve been asking about you for a long time. Looks like your Nana isn’t the only one who missed you.”

“How come they still remember me?” he asks before he can think about it. “I mean, I’m sorry, but I’ve forgotten about most people here. They still remember how I used to play around and sing for small events.”

It’s true. It caught him by surprise that the workers still remembered him—and not only because he’s a celebrity now, but they remember him by the small, insignificant happenstances when he was younger. Like for example, one of them mentioned how he was once was injured, his pinky finger to be exact, because he was running like a madman when his mother had given him permission to go play computer games with his cousin. He doesn’t remember that person being there, but he knows his grandmother talked about it like it was a news about a hurricane hitting Seoul at that time it happened.

It makes Donghyuck wonder how many people remember him, and how many people he’d forgotten and left behind for his dreams.

“Our world here in Jeju-do is small,” Nana explains. “People like you, who left, well, while ours remain humble and small, while we fade into the background and slowly become insignificant, yours become bigger. So, while we remember, you forget, slowly, one by one—and nobody blames you for forgetting, Donghyuck-ah.”

Oh, look. Another burden, another truth that Donghyuck has to carry for the rest of his life. Another reason not to fall asleep tonight.

There is a small, local store located down the road from his grandmother’s house. They don’t sell nearly half the number the ones local convenience stores in Seoul would, but Donghyuck likes to think it’ll do. Soju and beer taste the same anyway, regardless of where he buys it.

With the faint, beaten yellow paint from its exterior, the store has been around even before Donghyuck was born. It’s the village’s very own convenience store, after all. There weren’t any rival stores like how it would look like in Seoul where every corner of every street one would find a convenience store. From where Donghyuck stands, the store doesn’t like look like it’s changed much in a decade.

For some reason, Donghyuck remembers how much Renjun likes reading neuroscience studies for fun. He doesn’t know anyone else who would read neuroscience studies. For fun. But anyway, back to his point, there was a neuroscience study that Renjun has been blabbing about during their US tour. It was something about when someone recalls an old memory, a representation of the entire event is instantaneously reactivated in the brain that often includes the people, location, smells, music, and other trivia. Recalling old memories can have a cinematic quality. Memories often seem to play out in the mind's eye like an old Super 8 home movie or vintage Technicolor film. Neuroscientists discovered that when someone tries to remember a singular aspect of an event from his or her past—such as a recent birthday party—that a complete representation of the entire scene is reactivated in the brain like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together to create a vivid recollection. The new research reveals that humans remember life events using individual threads, that are coupled together into a tapestry of associations.

Donghyuck’s never really understood what Renjun meant at that time, except now.

He stands there, a good ten-meter distance from where you’re sitting. The pavement on the sidewalk isn’t the most comfortable place to sit in, but Donghyuck thinks it might just be, with how comfortable and at peace you look: legs stretched out to the street, headphones covering your ears, a book (or a journal perhaps, Donghyuck can’t see well from here) in one of your hands while the other is twirling a pen.

The scene takes him back to ten years ago, in the exact same place where you’re sitting, and if Donghyuck thinks about it now, it seems like nothing’s really change—except he’s almost twenty-three now, and despite him standing a few meters away from you, it feels like you and him are worlds away. And from what it looks like, you still love writing as much as Donghyuck loves singing.

It was a warm evening in May 2013, a couple of weeks before school ended and summer would officially start, counting down the nights when Donghyuck would have to move back to Seoul, and it was way too hot for Donghyuck’s liking. Nana didn’t have an air-conditioning system yet; his father was working hard to get her one before they leave for Seoul because summers can be crazy hot in Jeju-do. And Donghyuck needed a popsicle so bad, otherwise, he’d probably explode.

He found you the same place where you are now. Donghyuck thought your SHINEE shirt looked cute because while girls your age liked the newly debuted EXO, you still listened to SHINEE like a religion. You were sitting with your legs sprawled on the street, right under the streetlight, a pen in one hand and your old, beaten up journal on the other. Your eyebrows were furrowed, and Donghyuck caught himself before he could start thinking about how pretty you looked like that: focused and doing what you loved.

Donghyuck decided not to disrupt your focus and opted to go straight inside the small store, spending the last of his money on yours and his favorite: lime and cherry twin popsicle—the kind that’s packaged in one, two flavors in one, lime green and cherry red colors separated in the middle between popsicle sticks. Lime for you, cherry for him. You didn’t look up when he sat beside you, but took the lime-flavored popsicle from his hand when he handed it to you after peeling off the plastic cover and breaking it into two.

“Thanks,” you mumbled, taking the ice-cold treat in your mouth. Donghyuck couldn’t help but think his cherry-flavored popsicle resembled the color of your lips.

Donghyuck nodded his thoughts away, leaning in to peak at the page you’re working on. “What are you working on?” he asked it while the popsicle rested on one side of his mouth, his left cheek protruding.

You shrugged, taking the popsicle off your mouth, showing your work to him. Donghyuck found it endearing that you write all over the pages of your journals, it was as though he could see your train of thoughts: some smudged, some erased under ink but not really because he could still read through it, some clear as day, some to never see daylight again.

“I was in Science class today,” you started.

“We’re in the same homeroom, dumbass. I was there.”

“I’m talking,” you whined. “And I doubt you were even listening. You hate Science more than anything.”

“Fair point,” he hummed. “Okay, what about Science class? Please don’t tell me you’ll start writing about Science. Because I’m so sorry. I’ll never read any of your work ever again if you decide to do that.”

You laughed, the melody of your fondness of his jokes creating its own room inside the crevices of Donghyuck’s brain. “Teacher Kim was talking about symbiosis.”

“I’m not even going to pretend I know what that means.”

“Symbiosis is a term describing any relationship or interaction between two dissimilar organisms. The specific kind of symbiosis depends on whether either or both organisms benefit from the relationship,” you continued. “Butterflies and flowers, they are the best examples of symbiosis.”

Donghyuck nodded, savoring the sweetness of his cherry-flavored treat.

“Hence I did some research and read more about butterflies and flowers, and I read something a little sad,” you trailed off. “I learned that certain flowers bloom when butterflies hatch and depends on how they match each other. Butterflies, they prefer light-colored flowers they can perch on. So, when the timing is off, the flower misses the butterfly. The butterfly, therefore, finds another flower.”

“Then what happens to the flower?” Donghyuck asked, watching as you try to catch the melting piece off your popsicle, taking it back to your mouth. Your lips looked really pretty. “If it misses all the timing?”

“Well,” you shrugged, looking up to the night sky. The stars in Jeju-do that night were much prettier than it is in Seoul. “They bloom again next year, and hope that maybe next time, the timing is better. That the butterfly arrives just in time for the flowers to bloom.

“That is a little sad,” Donghyuck acknowledged. He watched you look back down, grimacing a little as you take the popsicle off your mouth. “Wanna try mine?” he asked before he could think about it.

You looked back at him. The stars in Jeju-do turned out to be nothing compared to your eyes. “Yeah?”

Donghyuck pulled the sweet treat from his mouth just as you hand him your lime-flavored one. He took it in his mouth, and Donghyuck had never been the biggest fan of anything sour, but for some reason, the lime flavor tasted sweeter than ever. You take his cherry-flavored ones, groaning in delight as you taste the treat’s sweetness.

“Cherry has always been my favorite,” you’d confessed, and Donghyuck was surprised because you’d always gotten the lime-flavored ones. The twin pops were your thing since you met summer of 2006—it was cheap, practical for two kids, two-in-one; you’d always choose the lime ones. “God, this is good.”

“You literally always take the lime ones,” he argued. “My whole life has been a lie. I’ve always thought lime was your favorite because you always take it whenever we get this!”

You shrugged. “You never liked anything sour,” you said like it’s the easiest thing to say, like it didn’t make Donghyuck’s heart somersault. “And I can take a little bit of sourness if it means you enjoy your cherry-flavored popsicle.”

Donghyuck was only twelve. He didn’t know anything about falling in love, but that night might just be the closest thing.

“So, you drink alcohol to help you fall asleep?” you ask as if it’s the most interesting solution to insomnia. Donghyuck thinks it isn’t; he’s read somewhere online that alcohol really helps. “That’s stupid.”

Donghyuck shrugs. “It’s not really working great right now. But it helps.”

He sits beside you on the sidewalk, legs sprawled out just like yours, a can of cold beer one hand while the other holds him up, flat on the rough pavement. There’s no particular reason why Donghyuck’s talking to you now. You and him got off the wrong foot, and it’s not like you can really blame Donghyuck for seeing a (supposed) stranger sleeping at his grandmother’s patio. And you were friends. Even though it’s been years, Donghyuck reckons talking to you would do no harm. Besides, if he’s staying here for a few months, a companion would probably make it less miserable.

“And your father thinks coming to Jeju-do would help, too?” you ask.

Donghyuck chuckles. “I guess you could say that. What else have you heard about me?”

You look at him, away from the street and right into his eyes. Donghyuck wonders why he didn’t recognize you the first time he saw you. Your face looks the same from the day he bid you goodbye a decade ago—lips colored in cherry, eyes bright as the stars, cheeks soft all over.

“A lot,” you answer. “But I’ve never been one to believe in rumors anyway.”

Donghyuck licks his lips. “The rumors are true.”

“Not about the sleeping around and getting drunk, pabo,” you mutter. “That, I believe.”

“Which ones?” he asks.

“People are saying you no longer like being on stage,” you say. It’s not the first time Donghyuck’s heard it. “That you’ve been burnt out from working all these years. And that you don’t care about music anymore.”

Donghyuck snickers. “That’s true, too.” He throws his head back, chugging on the cold beer. “I’m so over it. I don’t even care what happens after this.”

“Oh, Donghyuckie,” you whisper softly, eyes still glued to his face. “What has the limelight done to you?”

Donghyuck only shrugs, finishing off the rest of the cold beer, helping himself up and taking the plastic bag full of iced cold beer from the store.

“I don’t think that’s something you should be worried about,” Donghyuck says. You keep your eyes on him, so you’re looking up from where you’re seated and Donghyuck looks down on you. “It’s getting late. Wanna go drink at Nana’s?”

“Nana would kill you if she finds alcohol inside her house,” you say.

“I’ve snuck in about twenty bottles since I arrived last week and she hasn’t noticed,” he confesses.

“You’re a fucking nightmare,” you laugh.

Donghyuck freezes for a moment, watching you stand in between giggles. Mark said the same think a couple of weeks ago, but it doesn’t sting when you say it. You say it in laughter. Like it’s okay. Like it doesn’t scare you.

“My house is down the street,” you say, helping yourself up and standing in front of him. Donghyuck remembers. “I’ll call Nana and let her know you’re with me.”

A bark startles Donghyuck for a second. You and him turn to find a golden Labrador running towards where you stand.

“Aw, my baby’s here to pick me up,” you announce with the softest voice. The lab runs, almost dashes towards you, and Donghyuck is taken aback when it tackles him—not you—knocking the plastic bag off his hands and resulting to him landing his butt back to the pavement. “Pororo!” you shriek, not in surprise but with a tone of betrayal. “I’m your mother!”

Donghyuck hears you shriek, but laughs through it because the golden lab is hogging him, licking him all over as if he’d miss him all these years. “Oh, baby, you’re so cute,” he coos, cradling the dog by its face, looking up at you as the dog licks his face. “This is yours?”

You fight back a smile, but you lose immediately because your face breaks with a grin. “What has the limelight done to you?” you ask, the same question from earlier, but a different tone—teasing, nostalgic, like years ago.

The dog sniffs him all over and you stand there watching them.

“Can’t even recognize your own dog now?” you tease, walking so you could pet the dog and have him follow you. “It’s the puppy Nana got you a month before you left Seoul. You couldn’t bring him with you, and Nana couldn’t take care of him when you left, so I adopted him, pabo.”

“Pororo?” Donghyuck finally, finally recognizes. Pororo looks like he’s nodding, like saying thank God, you remembered me! The dog goes back to tackle him. “Oh, Pororo! My baby!”

You lead the way to your house, Pororo following after you. He watches you take several steps ahead of him. He feels dizzy watching the scene in front of him. Donghyuck understands what Renjun is talking about now.

Humans remember a singular aspect of an event from his or her past that a complete representation of the entire scene is reactivated in the brain like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle coming together to create a vivid recollection. You’re the representation of his entire life in Jeju-do, a clear image before Haechan, and he’s fucking sorry he forgot about you all these years.

But that’s an apology you’d never hear from him. Instead, he watches you, taking a small step towards you, and decides he’ll allow his unsaid apology to be added on the long list of reasons why he can’t sleep at night.

Nostalgia comes in waves, they say, but why do you bring it to him like a hurricane?

Donghyuck could say that Nana is impressed with the drastic change of character in the span of six weeks.

She’s been treating him better these days; by “better”, Donghyuck means she’s been cutting off a few hours from work so he could spend more time at her home, guarding the hens and roosters that serve at her alarm clock and watering her plants from her small vegetable garden. She’s also been paying him, giving him a small envelope with cash and a small paper that resembled a payslip showing the number of hours he’d work for the week, and Donghyuck ignores the quick jump from his heart when he sees your signature at the end of it, affirming that the hours listed are accurate. Donghyuck takes the money, of course, after Nana threatened to beat him up because she’d be breaking Korea’s labor laws if he doesn’t accept it, and he keeps it all in a small box in his room, planning to show it to his members when he goes back to Seoul and brag about working like a normal civilian at the age of 23.

There is a pinch in his heart when he remembers his members. While Donghyuck has been working on (and failing to) sober up for an entire month, his members have not called nor texted him. He’d been reaching out, of course. Some of his members have been assigned solo projects and activities in the last month, and he ensures to congratulate them. All he’s gotten so far are the receipts that his messages have been read.

Donghyuck convinces himself that it’s probably SM that advised everyone not to give him a time of their day, that they probably think being away from work means disconnecting from everyone, too, that his members love him and also believe that he needs some time off from everything.

But the convincing can only do much. The convincing distracts him while he’s at work, or while he’s watering Nana’s plants, but it doesn’t do much at night. Still, after six weeks, Donghyuck is nowhere near clean.

He wakes up with a terrible headache every day (from lack of sleep or hangover, he’s not really certain), and his Nana has been oddly making hangover soup for breakfast. Donghyuck wonders whether you’d ratted him out, or his mother had caller her about it. Either way, she probably knows something’s up.

His mother had called him a few times now, Seungyeon, too, and it’s been casual. His mother’s voice always sounded like she’s walking on eggshells whenever she’d call, blurting a half-assed apology for not seeing him before he left and telling him she’d forgiven him and that she’s looking forward to seeing her in a few months. Seungyeon talks to him the most, almost every day, in short text messages and 10-minute calls on the weekends when she doesn’t have to worry about waking up early the next day. And she talks to him about the most random thing, nothing ever related to his obsession with drinking or the scandal, which makes Donghyuck feel better somehow.

Six weeks didn’t make much of a difference, not that Donghyuck was expecting any. The only thing that’s changed so far is that, he’s not as exhausted as he was in Seoul despite his shitty sleeping schedule continuously fucking up his already deteriorated mental health. He hasn’t been listening to songs for quite a while, and he’s been drinking every night. And if it means anything to him, you’ve been hanging out with him while he drinks.

In six weeks, he learns that you’re not much of a drinker. You don’t have many friends that you could really invite for a drink in a nearby pub or in a samgyeopsal restaurant. You’d mentioned that most people your age have all moved on to different places, spewing names that were once familiar to Donghyuck and telling him where they are now. Donghyuck is yet to learn why you had stayed in Jeju-do, not once stepping in Seoul, when the world off this island’s shores are much, much bigger than you think.

It’s two in the morning. You’d taken him home because he could barely keep his head up with the number of soju bottles he had downed, and he appreciates that you try to stay quiet when you put him to bed and leave, keeping the blinds closed because he’d told you once that the morning sunlight seeping through spaces between the curtains hurt his eyes. You’d left when Donghyuck’s barely awake.

His phone dings a notification. Donghyuck probably won’t remember so he reaches over, checking it and recognizing his mother’s name.

She sends him an article about the upcoming debut of NCT DoJaeJung, and Donghyuck’s seen it in the groupchat for some time now. Donghyuck isn’t even halfway down the article when she sends another one: Mark’s solo song.

She doesn’t add another message, and he sees her status change from online to offline in a split second, but she doesn’t really have to say anything else for him to understand.

Donghyuck’s dream has always been the spotlight.

Or at least, as he recognizes now, his mother’s dream for him has always been the spotlight.

Donghyuck always thought he loved making people happy and singing equally.

While people called him kind and a ray of sunshine, Mark’s always called him out for being a people-pleaser, reminding him that he doesn’t have to make sure everyone is happy with the choices he’d make, telling him he doesn’t have to feel the strong urge to please everyone. And Donghyuck never understood it until now, now that he’s wide awake and looking at his mother’s messages. She’s probably expecting a solo project for him, too, and she sends these things that make her happy, and she’s already expecting him he’d do it no matter what. Donghyuck’s mother is a good person; he’d look up at her and think to himself that when he grows up, he’d want to be as supportive as his mother, and don’t get him wrong when he says she expects him to do anything that’d make her happy. Because this is all Donghyuck’s fault, anyway.

With his desire to make her the happiest, he’s done everything he could to make her happy, even at his own expense.

The infamous Saturday audition at SM was something Donghyuck never thought about—not at the age of 13 when he had just gotten back in Seoul after five years of staying in Jeju-do. His accent has changed and he reckons he could have a good relationship with boys his age who grew up in the city. And as much as he loved performing, Donghyuck doesn’t like being criticized. He doesn’t like rejection, and he can’t bare the thought of adults telling him he couldn’t sing.

Hence, his initial answer to his mother’s proposal to visit SM Entertainment and give it a try was no. The only thing that had made him go, knees shaking and palms sweaty, was his mother’s words: “It’ll truly make me happy if you give it a try.”

She’d said it in many occasions, and Donghyuck’s given everything that’d make her happy a try. She’d never said a bad thing and even told him a few times that it’s okay if he doesn’t want to, but he does it anyway.

Donghyuck was afraid that she’d love him less if he didn’t make her happy. He was only thirteen, and his twenty-three now, and his biggest fear hasn’t changed: to be loved less because he didn’t make them happy enough.

So, Haechan blurts out the most random jokes when the cameras are on and initiates skinship with the member even if they abhor him for it and style his hair a different way, because it makes the fans happy. Haechan stays up learning the tune of the new song and recording himself in his phone for hours even after an entire day of physical activities, because it makes the producers happy. Haechan takes his friends and the younger members to dinner after a 16-hour flight from the west on the night of his birthday—his eyes barely open the entire time—because it makes them happy. Haechan plays the maknae role perfectly, even when at times he’s tired of it, because it makes the older members happy. Haechan continues to be a sunny and bright character even on days when he’s exhausted, because it makes his managers happy.

But the truth is, Donghyuck doesn’t like dyeing his hair. His hair’s gotten so unhealthy from dyeing it different colors last year.

Donghyuck feels awful sometimes, when his friends do not return his affection, but he plays it off, feigning hurt even when it actually does.

Donghyuck wants to sleep after a 16-hour flight.

Donghyuck wants to drink with his hyungs, too.

Donghyuck just wants to sing and write songs when he’s learned enough.

Donghyuck doesn’t want to be like Mark, or Doyoung, or anyone else.

Donghyuck wants Haechan to be… Donghyuck.

Donghyuck wants to be happy—in his own terms, by his own choices.

But how can he be happy when he’s always depended his happiness on the people he loves?

Donghyuck feels like a dead man walking.

You and Donghyuck are tasked to bring the harvested fruits at the farmer’s market in the early hours of Sunday.

It’s barely five in the morning, and the sun’s not even out yet, but you had forced him to sleep early the night before to make sure he’d accompany you to the market. (He didn’t sleep though; he lied awake until his phone rang and you’re calling from outside.) You’d driven the farm’s truck to get here, and Donghyuck can’t help but admire the way you hold the steering wheel with one hand.

Donghyuck helps you carry the boxes out of the truck, arranging them in front of his grandmother’s store. You had walked in while he carries the rest inside and Donghyuck hears you talk to Eunseuk, his Nana’s sales person who handles and manages their place in the public market.

“That’s awful,” Donghyuck hears you say as soon as he places the last of the boxes in a corner. “Can’t the mayor do anything about it?

Eunseuk sighs, shaking her head. “Unfortunately, it looks like the donation project Nana’s driven wasn’t enough. She barely made enough profit last quarter because she’d donated most of it to the project.”

“What is awful and what project are we talking about?” Donghyuck interrupts.

Eunseuk smiles sadly at him. “The clinic that Nana’s been proposing to the mayor for years now. The town’s mayor thinks it’s not going to be built this year.” Donghyuck’s never heard of it.

“The community has a lot of elderly people who live alone in Jeju-do,” you explain when you notice his curiosity. “Especially in here in the island, even more here in our town. Most people leave Jeju-do at the age of eighteen to find a better life in Seoul, which is ridiculous because there’s no place better than Jeju-do, and Nana thought it’d be great if she built a small clinic for the elderly nearby, that way they wouldn��t have to travel fifty kilometers to visit the nearest hospital. It’d be great if the elderly can have themselves checked for free and to have, if not all, most equipment they’d need.”

“How is that possible?” Donghyuck asks.

“Well,” Eunseuk starts. “First, we need the funds to actually build the clinic itself. Nana is halfway through the amount needed. The mayor’s children are doctors, and if he wants to keep winning the next elections, I’m sure he’d be happy to have them volunteer.”

“What about maintenance?” he asks.

“Good question,” you say. “And good thinking. I like it, you’re already thinking ahead, Donghyuck-ah. Anyway, the elderly is very much willing to do community service in exchange of the maintenance of the small clinic. And don’t worry, it’s not like Nana’s going to make them work like horses.”

“Services like crocheting products for the local market,” Eunseuk adds. “Food manufacturing—the kind that would allow them to make while sitting down, local farming, jewelry-making, and the like. Things we can sell in the market. You know how tourists are so keen on buying anything hand-made.”

“So, a clinic for the elderly built and maintained by the elderly?” Donghyuck sums up.

“Exactly!”

“How much are we looking at in terms of money?” He asks.

You chuckle. “If you’re grandmother wanted to ask money from you, she would have already. She has some kind of pride, you know.”

“Well, I’ll give it you and you tell her it’s an anonymous donation.”

“As if she’d believe that bullshit,” you answer. “Anyway, Eunseuk-eonnie, what do we do now?”

The older woman shrugs. “We’ll keep selling tangerines until we reach the goal, I guess.”

Donghyuck talks before he could think about it. “I can do something.”

You and Eunseuk look at him like you’d just seen a ghost.

“I don’t know what I can offer,” he says right away. “But I’ll… I think I can do something.”

“Donghyuck,” you say. “You can sing.”

“I am aware,” he jokes.

“No, you can sing,” you repeat. Donghyuck looks back at you. “You can sing, so I’m sure you can teach people how to sing.”

“And?” He doesn’t get it.

“It’s summer,” you answer. “Most kids are bored and are probably looking for something meaningful to do while they wait for school to start again. Teach kids how to sing and have their parents pay for it!”

Donghyuck thinks it’s a good idea. “And you can write.”

You freeze. “No.”

“Teach kids how to write and have their parents pay for it.”

“Over my dead body!”

“I will do it only if you do it.”

Eunseuk laughs, “Oh, this is good.”

“No, Donghyuck. I’m not a professional writer. I didn’t even go to college. I don’t have the credentials for it.”

“You don’t have to go college to be a writer,” he snorts. “Scott Fitzgerald didn’t even finish college.”

“Where’d you even learn that?”

“You told me when we were kids!” he answers, laughing. “Come on, Y/N. I’m sure Nana can find someone to do your job in the farm while we teach kids.”

“I don’t know, Donghyuck,” you sigh.

Eunseuk lightly slaps your arm. “Come on, young lady. Do it for the elderly.”

“Yeah, Y/N, do it for the elderly.”

The sparkle in your eyes and the smile on your lips tell Donghyuck you agree.

And so, the plan goes accordingly.

Donghyuck could say that Nana is more than delighted to learn that his delinquent and embarrassing grandson, who’s spent all this time pretending he doesn’t care, had decided to help out. You’d done the most part, of course— obtaining the permit from the mayor’s office and settling all the paperwork needed. All Donghyuck had to do was to help clean up and renovate his grandfather’s old office in the farm. Everyone else who had some free time helped because apparently, that’s what this community does. Donghyuck could probably get used to receiving help without him asking for it.

So, in more or less five days, his grandfather’s old office, which is about forty square meters, had turned into the community’s summer class headquarters. You and Donghyuck decided to call it Nana’s Music and Literature Classes. And with the help of Eunseuk and some of the workers, the word spread like news from the radio. In a week’s time, you and Donghyuck have over twenty student each. Mondays and Wednesdays were his schedule; yours were Tuesdays and Thursdays. Fridays were called Hyuckie and Y/C/N’s day—which means you and him would dedicate an entire day brainstorming and talking about your class’ progress.

The summer courses would take eight weeks to complete, and at the end of it would be a competition, in which the Mayor promised he’d give a very big reward for. Those who enrolled in Donghyuck’s classes would have a recital at the end of summer where the kids will hold a small concert for the town—tickets to be sold as part of the drive, of course—and the judges will be identified to select three winners. As for your classes, it will be a short story competition, and the winners will be announced on the night of the small concert, which Donghyuck is the best ending any summer could have.

The place is cramped, and Donghyuck’s never been more excited his entire life.

He’s gone to many places and met with many prominent people in this lifetime. But he’s decided that this is the most exhilarating day of his life.

The parents leave as soon as Donghyuck assures them that the kids will be safe and will be all set for pick up by 3 in the afternoon. You’re talking to the kids while he ensures that the room is cool enough for everybody. The room is filled with excitement that Donghyuck could feel inside him. He learned from the parents he’d met just a few minutes ago that the town doesn’t really offer things like this for children and that they’d have to send their kids to summer camp in the mainland if they wanted them to experience this, and the fact that you and him are doing this for a cause makes it even better.

Donghyuck views this like it’s not as big as the drives NCT had been doing, or the charity concerts he takes part in, or the money he donates to various causes, but to the people of the town, it’s bigger than anything they had ever known.

“Aigoo,” one of the parents cooed when she’d seen Donghyuck greet everybody outside. “Your grandparents have always been kind. They’d been the pillar of this small town for quite some time now. I’m glad you’re growing up a good man.”

You’d smiled at him when you heard that, and Donghyuck wonders if you also think he’s growing up a good man, because he thinks he grew up to be such an amazing, compassionate person.

“Hello, kids!” Donghyuck greets. Everybody says it back with the same enthusiasm, and despite having been in hundreds of shows with thousands of people in the audience, he can’t remember the last time a crowd made him feel alive.

Donghyuck hates being recognized.

When his career had just started, he thought that the greatest compliment was to be recognized. He thought that he’d measure his success with the number of people from the general public who could recognize him under a hat and with a face mask covering half his face. But in the latter years of his career, he’d learned the hard way that he hated being seen and being recognized.

There had been many happenstances in his job in which he’d just wish he was invisible for a moment. Anytime he’s in an airport, regardless it was for an event or concert overseas, or worst of it all, a vacation with his family, all Donghyuck wants is for people not to know who he is. In afternoon runs by himself, all he needs is a time alone and not girls following him and taking pictures of him. On days when he’s out with friends and family, all he hopes is peace. This comes with the job, Johnny would tell him whenever he’d get frisky and annoyed, but Donghyuck never really understood why his privacy is anyone’s business. Never really understood why he had to go through this when all he’s ever really wanted was sing.

Donghyuck hates being seen.

More than anything. Especially when he’s trying hard to hide. And he wishes he’s only talking about his physical appearance being seen. He hates that his grandmother sees through him but doesn’t say anything about it unless he opens up first. He hates that Mark, his best friend in the entire world, sees right through his walls and that all Donghyuck’s done is push him away and make him hate him even more. He hates that his father sees his pain, but doesn’t talk about it for some reason. He hates that you see him—all of him—but you don’t look at him with disgust or pity or anything of that sort.

It’s Friday, yours and his day, the second one since summer school’s started, and he’d started calling you by your childhood nickname again. You’d grimaced the first time and told him nobody’s called you that in a long time, but allowed him nonetheless.

The clock strikes six in the afternoon and the dusk had just settled in the horizon. You and him are sitting on the floor of his room, facing each other, separated by a small table, notepads scattered, ideas running a hundred miles per second.

“This is perfect,” you comment when you and him had finished planning out next week’s daily agenda. “The kids are going to love it!”

Donghyuck stays silent, eyes on you as you finally set your pen down.

“What should we have for dinner?” you ask, eyes still on the notepad. “Nana’s probably heating up some leftover galbi, but I think we should make some kimchi stew, too.”

Donghyuck hums. You look up at him. “What’s wrong?”

He shakes his head. “Nothing. I just had something in mind.”

You tilt your head. “Tell me.”

“It’s a question,” he says. “And if I say it, you’d have to answer.”

You think about it for a moment. Donghyuck almost takes it back. “Sure.”

“Really?”

You nod. “As long as you answer a question from me, too.”

Donghyuck pretends to think about it. “Can we set some rules?”

“It’s literally one question,” you snort. “Come on. Ask me.”

“No, ask me first,” he insists.

“You asked first.”

“No. Ask me first,” he repeats.

You scoff. “Fine. You have to tell me the truth, yeah?” A nod. “Ready?” Another.

Donghyuck holds his breath for a moment and you don’t say anything for about a minute, probably thinking the same as him: this is the only chance both of you are honest and open, might as well ask a question one wouldn’t answer on a normal day.

“How are you?”

He exhales the breath he’s been holding and nearly breaks down in tears when he hears the question you’d decided to ask. He’s sure you’ve heard of it all. Everything’s been all over the internet for the past two months he’d been in hiding in Jeju-do: the drinking, the nights in clubs and bars, the fights with the members, the cherry on top which is the scandal. It’d all spiraled into everything he was initially afraid of. The girl he’d met at the back of the club had sold him to reporters and had made up a story of how they’ve been in a sexual relationship for quite some time. The media had dug up stories of him being out of control in the streets when he’s shitfaced from all the soju he had and had posted tales of him asking multiple women to sleep with him whenever he’s drunk.

The agency sued everyone for making shit up, of course, but Donghyuck knows half of those are the truth. He has not been the best group member in a long time: always late in practices, grumpy and hangover during fan signs, lethargic during concerts, and fucking up performances. He’s lost himself, and he’s losing everyone in the process of it.

People ask him if he’d really had sex with someone at the back of a bar. They’d ask him why he never asked for help with his drinking problem. Comments from his Instagram would tell him to back off and just leave the group. Fans from calls and fan signs would ask him why he’d stop making covers of the songs he loved and why he hasn’t been on Bubble in a long period of time.

But nobody else had really asked him how he’s been aside from Nana, who he doesn’t have the heart to open up to.

“I—” He starts but swallows, breathing in. You wait for him. “I’m—I don’t really—I’m not sure if I can.”

You nod. “Take your time, Donghyuck.”

Donghyuck reminds himself to breathe.

How is he? How has been holding up after everything that’s happened?

He’s lost his spark. He’s lost his love for music, his passion for the stage, the sparkle in his eyes. He’s losing the people he loves. He’s losing his friends. And he’s losing a battle with himself.

He’s—

“I’m, ” he tries again. “Y/N, I’m not okay.”

It pours like rain, his tears. He shakes when he cries and his chest is tight and it’s hard to breathe, but he keeps crying because it’s the only time he ever will. He sobs in pain and holds himself when his entire body shakes from the ache of it all.

He’s grieving, weeping, like how one would in a funeral, because how does he ask for forgiveness? How does he ask forgiveness from his parents and siblings? From his members? From his fans? From the staff and the people who’d brought him to where he is? How does he ask forgiveness from little Donghyuck when all he’d wanted was for him to grow up a good man?

You let him cry, and only reach out to hand him a handkerchief when he’s done. You don’t say anything. Instead you kneel and reach over to hug him from the other side. Donghyuck accepts your tenderness.

“I don’t have anything else to ask,” you murmur against his hair. “But I do want to say that you’re loved in ways you probably have forgotten already. You’ve probably been used to love that’s loud—screaming and flamboyant and beautiful and everything anyone would want—but you’re also loved quietly. In a small, serene room. In a way you’ve forgotten.”

“Thank you,” he says, sniffling, a little embarrassed now. “I’m sorry. I probably ruined the moment.”

You chuckle, pulling away, and Donghyuck’s heart does flips when you kiss the top of his head like you always did when you were younger. He doesn’t know why he remembers all of a sudden.

“Stop apologizing,” you reply. “There’s nothing to apologize about.”

“There’s a lot,” he admits. “I didn’t recognize you the first time I saw you. We did everything when we were kids, and I didn’t recognize you.”

“And it’s okay,” you assure, holding the top of his hand that’s resting on the small table. “I didn’t expect you to recognize me right away. You were worlds away from me. We forget people and that’s okay.”

He shakes his head. “It’s not. I promised to keep in touch, and I never did. I’m sorry.”

You nod. “You’re forgiven.”

Donghyuck sighs in relief. “I doubt, but okay.”

“Trust me.” He does. “Anyway, you were going to ask me something. You’re not allowed to ask the same thing because I’d just answer that I’m tired and I want to sleep. Nothing big happens in my life.”

Donghyuck smiles again. “Ready?” A nod. “Why’d you never leave Jeju-do?”

It seems like you didn’t expect the question because your face tells Donghyuck you’re surprised by what he just asked. You lick your lip and exhale largely, looking everywhere but his eyes. Donghyuck allows you to take your time, and you’re not running away so he’s assuming you’re thinking of an answer for him.

“I don’t have a dream,” is your answer. “My parents think it’s not normal. Because even they had already left the town and moved to a bigger place off the island. People think it’s impossible that I don’t have a dream, that I must want something in life, I just haven’t discovered it yet. And I’m twenty-three, I’m still waiting for my awakening, for dreams to find me, but it hasn’t. I don’t want to do anything in life but just… survive.”

Donghyuck only listens. “In high school, when we were deciding what to take up in college and which college we’d go to, I had nothing in mind. I didn’t want a career—not an engineer, not a teacher, not a doctor, none of those. I couldn’t think of anything. Writing is something that I love doing, but I really can’t see myself pursuing it as a career. I don’t want to end up hating it. I’ve always been convinced that I wasn’t specifically good at anything apart from that. I’m okay with all subjects at school, average grades and all, but nothing ever stood out for me. I never stood out. And I was okay with it for a reason I still don’t know. I was okay with not having dreams. College was the only reason for me to leave Jeju-do. There’s nothing else, therefore I’m still here. At twenty-three, I haven’t accomplished much, and if you want me to be all out and honest,” you sigh. “It’s… it’s starting to scare me.”

“What scares you?”

“That I haven’t accomplished anything yet,” you admit. “I’m not one to, you know, force myself to people and make them remember me. I wasn’t scared of oblivion. Until… these days, I’ve been asking myself, how are people going to remember me?”

Donghyuck nods, urges you to continue.

“Are they going to remember me as someone who helps out in your Nana’s farm because I had nothing to do?” you voice out. “Are they going to remember me as someone who brings all the deliveries to the farmer’s market when the staff is unavailable? Are they going to remember be as Eunseuk’s co-worker? Are they going to remember me at all?”

“Can I tell you something?” he asks but doesn’t wait for you to answer. “I know I’m not in the position to say anything about remembering you when I couldn’t recognize you the first time we met after a decade, but I remember you by the way I see cherry blossoms.”

You tilt your head to the side. “Is that a good thing?”

“We met in a puddle of fallen cherry blossoms in summer of 2006,” he explains. “I remember you by the way you admired flowers that fall off from its stem, by the way you loved fallen and broken things equally when they were perfect and when they stood still. I may have awfully forgotten you all these years, but the way I see cherry blossoms is the exact same way you see them.”

Donghyuck continues, “You know how they say we’re a manifestation of all the people we met, right? That we’re a mosaic of everything we’ve ever learned from them. To me, I remember you as the clear image of who I was before… before everything that’s happened. I remember you as someone helping me find my way back home.”

“Donghyuck,” you trail off. “That’s the… best thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Donghyuck smiles. “And so, what if you don’t have big dreams? Dreams are just dreams anyway. You don’t have to have one if you don’t want to. You shouldn’t have to struggle so much in order to live.”

“Do people know you’re this kind and profound?” you chuckle. “People should see this side of Lee Donghyuck.”

“Call yourself lucky you’re the only one,” he answers.

“What’s wrong with people seeing this side?”

Donghyuck shrugs. “I don’t think they’d want the boring kind. I think they like me better when I’m funny and over the top and a sucker for attention.”

“Well,” you click your tongue. “I like you either way.”

Donghyuck is barely twenty-three. And if he knows anything about falling in love, this might just be the moment he truly learns it.

You and him end up falling asleep on his bed. Donghyuck likes to think he doesn’t really remember how it happened. You’d told him you’d sleep in the hammock at his house’s patio, but he’d insisted to sleep in his room, of course. Reason? Mosquitoes, of course. Donghyuck said he’d sleep on the floor, taking an extra pillow, but you were already half asleep, moving so your body is right by the wall, safe and sound. You’d save the extra space for him to sleep beside you. Donghyuck likes to think he’d fallen asleep because he was exhausted and not because he felt safe around you.

It’s the longest sleep he’s had in a long time.

He wakes up at eight in the morning, the room already warm despite the air-conditioning system still switched on. You are no longer beside him, but he clearly hears your voice from outside.

Donghyuck gets up, going straight outside and finds everyone from the farm gathered around for breakfast outside his grandmother’s house. He’d forgotten that his Nana invited everybody for a scrumptious breakfast today, Saturday, and he wonders why neither you nor Nana herself had woken him up to help out.

Farmers and harvesters pass a plate to one another. A long table is set up in the middle of Nana’s driveway space, various of dishes laid out, and Donghyuck finds you holding two pitchers of tangerine juice, walking around to fill up the workers’ cups.

It’s Eunseuk who sees Donghyuck standing by the patio watching everybody move around.

“There’s our Donghyuckie!” she announces.

Everyone looks at him and greets him a good morning. Nana shouts his name and asks him to come over and eat some breakfast. You squint when you look at him, the sun blinding your eyes, but you smile as soon as he waves hi.

Donghyuck can’t help but think being recognized is not so bad after all.

Donghyuck spends the rest of summer like a kid.

Except he goes to work at Nana’s Music and Literature Classes on Mondays and Wednesdays, goes to the farm on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and spends his Fridays with you. He learns many things over the summer, especially about the community and the town itself. He meets more people as Donghyuck, Nana’s grandson who teaches children how to sing and who helps out in the farm two days a week. They accept him as he is, and he feels like seven again, meeting new people every day until they all remember him by his name.

Among the things he’s learned, he likes learning how your lips taste the most.

It was sudden, unplanned, the kind where he didn’t know he was doing it until he’s done it. You and him were ending a Friday session at your place that time, the place where he used to hide his drinks, and he was so elated that he wasn’t going home drunk for the first time since he arrived in Jeju-do. And he was bidding you goodbye. He’d leaned it like it was the most natural thing to do and caught your lips in his. You shrieked in surprise, unable to say anything, but tipped on your toes and gave him a second kiss before turning and running inside your house.

You didn’t talk about it, and Donghyuck felt like it was not something to talk about. You had voiced out you liked him in many occasions, and Donghyuck’s been relentlessly flirting with you since the night you fell asleep in his room. The signs were never mixed and the lines were never blurred. Donghyuck’s grown much closer to you more than anyone else in the world, and he’s been falling asleep in the safety of your arms these days. It was safe to say the kisses weren’t meaningless.

The night of his class’ recital comes quickly.

Donghyuck spend the entire two days practicing with each of his students while you were busy reading all of your students’ works and giving them feedback before they submit it to the Mayor’s office. You find him getting ready in his room, dressed in the only button-down shirt he brought from Seoul and a pair of slacks. Meanwhile, it’s the first time he’s seeing you in a dress that somehow matches the colors of his outfit.

“Looking great, handsome,” you say.

Donghyuck pulls you for a kiss. “Could say the same to you, beautiful.”

“Why are you so touchy these days?” you whine but lean back to kiss him again anyway. “Ready? One of the parents called and said his kid is already in the venue. They’re excited.”

Donghyuck nods, grabbing a jacket just in case it gets cold later tonight, and leads the way out. Nana is dressed in a pretty dress Donghyuck gave her for Christmas last year. Donghyuck drives to the venue and finds himself nervous for the first time in a long time.

You’d managed to convince him to sing tonight despite his persistent refusal.

“Come on, Donghyuck,” you begged, pulling him by the end of his shirt as he harvests tangerines. “The audience will love you!”

“They paid their tickets to watch the kids of the community sing, not me,” he argued. “And besides, I haven’t sung in like, four months. Who knows? I may have forgotten to sing already.”

“Bullshit,” you said. “Your Nana would want to hear you sing live.”

“She’s already heard me sing live many times,” he replied. “She’s been to many concerts.”

You tilt you head, a habit he’s grown to really like. “But I haven’t.”

Donghyuck had wanted to kiss the pout off your lips at that time. “Watch it from Youtube.”

“You don’t get many lines!” you said.

“So, you do watch my performances in Youtube, huh?” he teased. “Only in NCT 127 I don’t get so much lines because there are more members. Try to listen to NCT Dream.”

“Donghyuck!” you bellowed in frustration as you follow him around the farm. “Please!”

He stopped and turned, a little too late for you to step back because you’re already pressed up against his chest. “Okay.”

“Really?” you asked, voice lower because your faces were just inches apart—one wrong move and you’d be kissing in the middle of tangerine trees.

He nodded, purposely moving his face closer. “Only if you start reviewing for the SAT again and start sending your drafted college applications from your laptop.”

“Who told you to sneak in and open my files!” you gasped.

“I was checking if you’ve ever watched porn in your life and I found something better: your college applications.”

“I hate you, you know?”

Donghyuck chuckled, moving even closer to intimidate you but he hoped you couldn’t his heart hammering against his chest. “I know. Now. Do we have a deal? I’ll sing at recital night and you start reviewing for the upcoming SAT and send out your college applications when it’s time.”

“I’m—I’m not sure.”

Donghyuck let you go, you almost falling back but he held your hand before you could. “Then I’m not singing.”

“But Donghyuck!” He turned to leave while you scream behind him, pleading.

Ten steps forward and he finally got what he wanted: “Okay! I’ll do it! I’ll start reviewing and will send all the drafted college applications! I’ll do it!”

Hence, the singing stunt for tonight.

The event goes as planned.

The night starts with Donghyuck’s entire class singing their own rendition of a famous traditional song that the crowd truly loved. One by one, the kids would sing, with intermission numbers in groups in between, and by the end of it, it was Donghyuck’s turn.

The minus one track is ready and Donghyuck takes a deep breath as he walks up the stage. It’s smaller than any of the stages he’s been on—perhaps the smallest—and the lights aren’t as bright than the ones he’s used to. Big stages mean big lights, and if he’s being completely honest, he doesn’t see a single face when he’s on stage. The illuminations to ensure the fans would see them are blinding, beyond what people think. While his mother thinks his eyesight has gotten worse due to the long hours of playing APEX on his days off, Donghyuck believes it’s because of the blinding lights from the stage and everywhere he goes.

However, this stage has the gentlest lights he’s ever seen. The crowd is small, about two hundred people including their students, and from here, he can see their faces clearly. He stands not too far away, not to high, and he smiles when the crowd cheers when he reaches the middle of the stage.

“Hello, I’m Donghyuck,” he says on the mic. “I’m the teacher of the talented kids we watched this evening, and I can’t be prouder with how they sang their hearts out tonight. To show my gratitude, I also prepared a song for you.”

The crowd cheers again, your voice standing out as you stand right beside the stage, your phone already up probably recording him.

“I sang this song some time last year,” he continues. “This is Good Person.”

The instrumental plays and the crowd claps before he even starts. Donghyuck breathes, closing his eyes, and sings: “What’s going on today? Your face looks like it’s been crying. Did he break your heart? You’re the most precious person in the world to me.”

He hasn’t sung in a long time, and he barely practiced this song yesterday. Donghyuck, for some time before everything went to crumbles, felt scared going on stage. He felt as though he wouldn’t do well enough to deserve the applause and cheers, and he spent a lot of time doubting his own capabilities.

Whoever he is now, Donghyuck truly worked hard for it. At first, he only knew how to sing and it was the only thing he ever loved. And then he learned how to dance, how to stand like an idol, how to answer like a celebrity, how to have his “candid” photos taken, how to be a proper artist—even when he only wants to sing.

Standing here, now, in a small crowd, singing a song he wished was his own, he wished he had written, Donghyuck feels safe.

In Jeju-do, he feels safe. Donghyuck feels like he’s found his way home. The people he’s spent all these months with brought him comfort he’s never known—like coming home after a whole day of being pestered in the real world—and he knows that he’ll never find ease and serenity the same way Jeju-do had given him. The town took him in with open arms, like he’s not some idol who ruined their career for fleeting pleasure, like he’s not some person who’d forgotten about all of them. His Nana embraced him like he was seven again, like making mistakes is normal and that forgiving is easy when you love the person. You accepted him and taught him what falling in love means as though he was deserving of love and comfort.

The song ends with his voice dragging out the last words, his eyes closed: “I can only comfort you.”

When Donghyuck opens his eyes, the lights don’t blind him and the people he knows and love clap, cheering for him. It comes to him like pouring rain. And he allows himself to drench in it—the tenderness, the warmth, the love.

Because he deserves it. He deserves the love, therefore he takes, takes, takes, until he’s full of it.

Like many times in Donghyuck’s life, the ease and serenity end as quickly as it arrives.

You’d spent the night in his home, Donghyuck for the first time learned how to make love in bed. He’s had sex before, of course, but never like how you and him connected in his bed—moans and music of pleasure hushed by each other’s mouth, his honey-colored skin’s warmth pressed against yours, his lips and tongue tasting every inch of you. He’d said he loves you, and you’d said it back as you and him take each other.

This morning he wakes up without a headache, and he’s been waking up without one for a few weeks now. He usually wakes up with the sound of roosters from his grandmother’s backyard, or the sound of you and his Nana talking over your morning coffee. But today, he wakes up with the sound of his grandmother knocking profusely, seemingly frightened by the sound of her voice calling his name.

“Donghyuck-ah,” she shouts. “Please wake up. I don’t know what to do.”

You and Donghyuck get up startled, scrambling to put some clothes on and hurrying to open the door—only to find Nana on the verge of tears. Nana never falters, she’d only shown strength but Donghyuck finds her shaking. Nana doesn’t get the chance to answer because Joohyuk barges in, sweaty and catching his breath.

“The mayor’s security team is here,” he announces. “Let’s get going.”

“Go where?” Donghyuck asks, but Joohyuk is already pulling him.

The door opens, and Donghyuck finally realizes what’s going on.

They’d found him. Men and women with cameras shout his name—he recognizes a few from the conferences he’d attended—and flashes of lights and the stuttering sound of shutters devour him. He looks around and he can’t see you and he hears his Nana cry, and Donghyuck doesn’t understand what the fuck is going on, but he feels his legs give out. Joohyuk practically carries him to the SUV waiting outside their home.

Inside the car, Donghyuck catches a glimpse of the crowd—a crowd that looks like twice the amount of the people from the recital last night. He hears them screaming his name and he sees glints of neon green and posters as they pass by. His Nana, who sits beside him, cries and says she doesn’t understand why they’d found him. The mayor had specifically ensured that the town’s residents do not say a word about his visit way before he’d arrived and she’d done her best to protect him from the lights. He doesn’t say anything and only hugs her tight.

On the other side of Nana is you. You’re staring off the window, the fields far more interesting than what just happened, and you’re biting off the nails of your fingers and your legs wouldn’t stop bouncing. And you’re silent, and Donghyuck wonders why all of a—

Donghyuck doesn’t have to ask you to know.

You’d sold him off.

“I’m sorry,” is all you had to say when you and him are left inside the mayor’s office’s lounge. Donghyuck asked everybody to leave.

You’re sitting on the couch, eyes on the floor, while Donghyuck walks back and forth, angry. “I didn’t mean to.”

He stops walking right in front of you. “What do you mean you didn’t mean to post me on your Instagram? How could you possibly accidentally do that?!”

You keep your head low. “I—I forgot that it wasn’t on private and I didn’t have that many of followers to even be bothered by it. And one of our old friends commented and asked me if it was you—”

“And you said yes?” he enunciated. “You consciously, deliberately said yes?”

You start crying at this point. “Yes, and I’m sorry!”

“That’s a little too late now, isn’t it?”

“I just—”

“You just what? You want to play the girlfriend role so fucking bad?”

“Donghyuck, please, listen—” You get up and hold him by his arms but he backs off and rips his body from yours. “I just—I wanted the world to know that you can be kind and warm and you’re nothing like what the tabloids say—”

“So, you admit you purposely posted it!” he shouts. “What a fucking—”

“Yes!” you admit, still crying. “Because I can’t live knowing the world sees you differently when you’re generous and loving and amazing!”

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, hands on his waist, head tilted up so he can focus on the ceiling instead of the image of you crying. “You have no idea how the world fucking works, do you?”

“You always loved singing,” you reason out. “And the world shouldn’t take that away from you because of one mistake. I’m so sorry for what I’ve done. I didn’t think it through, but please understand my purpose.”

“You really have no fucking idea,” he concludes, looking down at you, right in your eyes and says: “How would you have any knowledge of what goes on outside of Jeju-do, anyway? You have never left this god damn place in your entire life and you know nothing aside from stringing words beautifully to get what you want. And you think you’re fucking cool for not having a dream and staying in an island, living your small-town girl fantasy, when in fact you’ve done nothing in life and people won’t even remember you. Why would you think you can make this decision for me? You’re just some girl who didn’t even go to college!”

“That’s enough, Donghyuck!” Nana interrupts.

Donghyuck turns and finds his Nana, Joohyuk, some of the Mayor’s security staff, his manager, and his Mother standing right outside the now opened door.

He looks back at you and you’re no longer crying. Your expression is just empty, like a light bulb burnt out.

Indeed, like many times in Donghyuck’s life, the ease and serenity end as quickly as it arrives.

They take the first flight to Seoul after successfully shooing the media and fans away. Nana travels with them, his mother deciding that it’s the best for now until everything calms down.

Donghyuck finds out during the flight that yours and his old friend from middle school had reposted the video of him singing from last night and it went viral in multiple social media platforms. Overnight, people had found out his location and the media had started interviewing people in the town. Despite the mayor instructing everyone not to say a thing, some had answered questions, even submitted entries on some forums about Haechan online.

His manager talks about how their PR team sort of thinks this might just be what he needed, says something about the locals of the town had said so many good things about him. He confirms that the post originated from your Instagram account and you had deactivated at this point and that they’re in the process of contacting your old schoolmate because the agency wants to press charges for invading his grandmother’s privacy and for bothering him on an unofficial schedule.

His mother holds his hand all through, and she offers a kind smile and kisses the top of his head.

Donghyuck cries like baby, and his mother only holds him, and perhaps that’s all he truly needs.

The crowd is just as bad when his plane lands. Donghyuck can barely see and hear considering the lights and people shouting his name. They take him to a separate SUV, away from his mother and Nana to keep them off the radar, and he sits in the car beside his manager.

“Here,” his manager hands him a phone as soon as the car starts moving. Donghyuck had forgotten his phone. It’s probably still in his room back in Nana’s house. People are still screaming his name. Donghyuck stares at his manager’s phone blankly. The screen shows he’s in a call with Mark.

Donghyuck’s hand shakes when he takes it. He puts the device over his ear and doesn’t wait for Mark to say anything.

“Mark-hyung,” he cries.

And cries. And cries. And cries. Until he arrives in SM’s headquarters and the manager has to take the phone away from him. Mark tells him he’s on the way to the headquarters with Renjun and Doyoung and that the others should be on their way after their individual schedules.

They arrive and immediately their staff take care of him like a baby, and he realizes that he’s back. He’s back. Right where he’s supposed to belong.

They take him to the PR teams office, and none of them ask how he’s doing and he’s spiraling again—already starting to think how he could please the staff and make them happy, not even an entire day of landing in Seoul and he’s already thinking about other people at his own expense.

Hence, Donghyuck makes a decision he’s never considered before.

While one of the PR associates discuss how he’s ranked number one in Naver’s most searched term, Donghyuck raises his hand.

They all look at him.

And finally, Donghyuck says: “Please get me a therapist. Please get someone who can help me.”

The room is clean and if Donghyuck’s being honest, a little too perfect for a therapist’s office. A tiny part of his fucked-up brain tries to convince him that they’d probably set him up for a documentary he’s not aware of to clean his image, so he looks around and tries to check if there are any cameras setup.

“Truly a celebrity,” Dr. Yoon says, which makes Donghyuck jump a little. The doctor stands from the door way, closing it as he steps inside. “Please, feel comfortable.”

Donghyuck thinks that’s a little impossible, but he takes a seat one of the single couches.

“The first thing that celebrities do in my office is look around for cameras,” the doctor comments, sitting on a similar chair across Donghyuck. “And I assure you that no amount of money can buy my integrity as a psychologist.”

“I’m relieved,” Donghyuck mumbles. “Hello, I’m Donghyuck.”

“Hello, Donghyuck,” the doctor greets; Donghyuck bows. “I had a quick glimpse of your situation from the form you filled out online. Are you feeling better today?”

“I guess,” Donghyuck shrugs. Dr. Yoon smiles.

“How about I ask questions and if you don’t want to answer, stay silent instead of lying to me?” He asks. Donghyuck sighs but nods. “And if you want to answer, answer as truthfully as you can, yes?” Donghyuck agrees. “Let’s start with simple questions.”

“Do you have any siblings?”

Dr. Yoon asks him many close-ended questions, to which Donghyuck had given him all the answers to, then proceeds to ask him what’s on his mind. The doctor’s notepad sits on the table between them, left open and blank even after asking so many questions.

Donghyuck is not really sure whether he’d done the right thing by seeking help, but he can’t keep hurting people just because he’s fucked up in the head. And he can’t keep hurting himself just because he can’t make the entire fucking world happy. He can’t keep drinking his insomnia away because he’s scared a doctor may tell him he’s fucked up in the head, which he knows already, he just doesn’t want it written in his medical records. He can’t keep fucking up his group’s image just because the alcohol doesn’t help his insomnia anymore. He can’t keep drowning himself in his sadness and the thought of disappointing so many people in his life—the people he left behind in Jeju-do, the members, his fans, the staff, his parents and siblings, his Nana, you.

If melatonin didn’t work, if the alcohol didn’t work, and if Jeju-do didn’t work, then perhaps a therapist is his best shot at getting better.

Donghyuck takes a deep breath, closes his eyes and begins.

“I keep thinking about how I can make everyone happy without sacrificing anything.”

The doctor finally picks up the pen and starts scribbling down.

Donghyuck keeps talking.

Donghyuck goes to therapy on Tuesdays and Fridays, and SM keeps his hiatus status active until Donghyuck decides to come back himself. It’s an agreement his parents, Donghyuck, and the agency settled while things are still chaotic.

The members are supportive of this, especially Mark and Taeyong. They’d send him cheerful messages every Tuesday and Friday, when they know that his session would begin. Sometimes, Jeno, Jisung, and Jaemin would pick him up and take him to a barbecue restaurant after. Donghyuck can’t remember how many times Renjun and Chenle had driven him to therapy and had waited for a couple of hours, only to take him to his favorite Chinese restaurant that serves the best hotpot. The older members have also driven him to therapy once or twice, with Jungwoo even signing up for therapy one time, and they’ve all given him love and tenderness—which Donghyuck accepted.

Donghyuck learns many things from Dr. Yoon. He learns that people pleasing isn't a mental illness, but it can be an issue that adversely affects how many people, with or without mental illness, relate to others. Most of all, people pleasers try to nourish other people without adequately nourishing themselves. Dr. Yoon called it Sociotrophy. He described it as the tendency to place an inordinate value on relationships over personal independence in response to the loss of relationships or conflict.

Those with sociotropic tendencies, wish to make other people happy, often at the sake of their own needs or values. While being warm, kind, and helpful are positive traits, they can result in strong feelings of resentment, anxiety, stress, and emotional depletion when they come at your expense.

People-pleasing, apparently, falls at the opposite end of the scale from autonomy. Autonomy places emphasis on independence whereas people-pleasers prioritize interpersonal relationships above all else. People-pleasers are often extremely empathic and attuned to others’ needs. A people-pleaser therefore tends to pursue intimate, affectionate, and confiding relationships. These people have a strong desire for external validation and avoid, or are sensitive to, situations where conflict may arise. They will go above and beyond to avoid displeasing others out of fear of diminished social acceptance.

This behavior can have detrimental effects on a person’s self-worth and self-esteem. A never-ending pursuit of approval, a desire for acceptance, and a sense of validation that arise from others happiness often result in a negative self-image. The person is likely to feel unworthy, powerless, or resentful, which may result in a lack of self-care.

The way Dr. Yoon had described it basically sums up Donghyuck as a human being.

He also learns that Sociotropic tendencies are often associated with mental health disorders such as anxiety or depression, which finally gave them Donghyuck’s diagnosis: clinical depression, also known as major depressive disorder abbreviated as MDD.

Clinical depression is a chronic condition, but it usually occurs in episodes, which can last several weeks or months. Dr. Yoon says one would likely have more than one episode in a lifetime. Donghyuck had asked him what was the difference between MDD and depression as it is.

Dr. Yoon explained that it’s normal to feel sad when you’re faced with difficult life situations, such as losing your job or a relationship. Some people may say they feel depressed during these situations. MDD is different in that it persists practically every day for at least two weeks and involves other symptoms than just sadness alone. It can be confusing because many people call clinical depression or major depressive disorder just “depression.”

Dr. Yoon also blabbered about chemicals in his brain that, well, Donghyuck really doesn’t understand much. All he knows at this point is that the treatment involves some medication and most specially psychotherapy. Apparently, studies show that the combination of these treatments is more effective than either of them alone.

Donghyuck has been investing a lot of his time in psychotherapy. His normal sessions were every Friday, thirty minutes to a maximum of an hour each. Like how his prescription doses went up, he also requested his psychotherapy sessions to be more frequent, hence Tuesdays and Fridays, minimum of one hour a session, maximum of an hour and a half.

Donghyuck likes to think that over the course of eight weeks, he’d gotten a little better. It turns out that being honest with your doctor means you’d get prescribed the right pills to take to help you fall asleep. No wonder the melatonin pills he’d taken didn’t work in the long run; he was taking the wrong ones and the wrong dosage—just like how he’d been looking for happiness in the wrong places.

From today’s session, Dr. Yoon asked him if he could talk to his mother about how he’d felt for so many years—the pressure, the urge to do whatever pleases her, the comparisons with other members, everything. Hence, Donghyuck finds himself knocking on his parents’ room.

He’s staying at their home during his hiatus. He reckons it’s the best time to speak with her as his father and the kids are out for work and school.

“Come in, Donghyuck-ah,” she says softly from the other side. He opens the door and finds his mother writing something in her journal. “You need anything, baby? Do you want to eat?”

He shakes his head and walks towards their bed, sitting on its edge. His mother puts the pen down and sits beside him. “Something wrong?”

“Eomma,” he says in the softest voice. “Can I sleep here?”

The question brings tears to his mother’s eyes. She nods and leads him to bed, Donghyuck lying on his side and his mother cradling him from behind. He looks like he’s thirteen again, the day before the audition at SM, young and anxious about what the next day would bring, and his mother seems like she’s never aged a day, still determined and only wants the best for her children.

Donghyuck can feel her crying.

“I’m sorry, Donghyuck-ah,” is all she says.

And Donghyuck knows deep in his heart that even before she’d uttered her apology, he’s already forgiven her.

Haechan comes back right before Chuseok.

NCT Dream is invited to perform at a music festival held in the Seoul Olympic Stadium alongside many other artists. When news broke that this would be Haechan’s come back stage, the ticket sites went crazy—crashing every second because everybody wanted to get tickets to see the most-awaited comeback.

Over the course of seven months of Donghyuck’s hiatus, many things have changed. He gained more fans in the latter parts of the hiatus after the world learned his life in Jeju-do. He’d gotten a new piercing in his cartilage, which the fans love, but only Donghyuck probably understands what it means. Old videos of him going on stage went viral years later, the world seeing how talented and passionate he truly is. Clips of him randomly singing without autotune circulated for quite some time, and his fondness of children and respect for the elder have been the talk of the KPop industry for the last months or so, calling him the most well-mannered idol. The scandal had not been erased from history, of course; some people still hate him for it. Some of his old fan sites did not return to support him, and if we’re talking about old Donghyuck, he’d probably be pretty bummed about it. He’d probably start compromising his privacy to give them a glimpse of his life off the stage to get them back.

But the sessions with Dr. Yoon have been working well, because Donghyuck doesn’t really care about pleasing the entire world anymore. Donghyuck thinks that as long as there’s a good number of people supporting him and loving him for who he is—as a person and as a singer—then he’d be okay. He didn’t have to make the entire planet roar his name.

The dress rehearsals are done by the time the clock hit four in the afternoon. The members argue where to go eat. Jisung announces he’s going shopping for a new pair of wired headphones because he lost his on the way to the stadium, to which Renjun says he’d go with him. The others decide to go eat with the staff, some opt to go home and rest so they’d be ready for the next day.

Donghyuck decides to go buy the book that Johnny recommended him: The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. He’s told that the book is about a boy growing up, and that it might strike his thoughts if he’s up to reading a children’s book meant for adults.

Hence, Donghyuck finds himself going through shelves and sections of children’s book after picking up The Little Prince and wondering if Gyeom would want to read any of these.

You see, Lee Donghyuck is not much of a believer of fate. As he’d say before, his career didn’t happen by fate because it was all his mother doing all the hard work. But what are the odds of him choosing to visit this exact book store at this exact moment over elsewhere and another time?

And what are the odds of him finding you leaning against the wall in the corner of the store, hair longer than the last time, nose red and body bundled up in layers of clothes, a book in your hand as you read through it?

Donghyuck stops, stares at you, as if he’s waiting for you to look up from the book, and thinks about how much he’d missed you all this time and how much he’d regretted ending things with foul, unacceptable words. He thinks about remembering you anytime he sees tangerines and flowers around the city. He thinks about the odds of finding you again and again in this lifetime. He thinks about the flowers only blooming as soon as the butterflies have left, missing their timing, and how they bloom again next spring, hoping that this time, the timing is right.

He thinks about you in silence. He thinks about love hiding in the corners of his chest, convincing him he’ll get over it—he’ll get over you. He thinks about his dreams.

A few people pass by the space between you and him. The distance is about three meters. It’s silent for the most part.

Donghyuck is not much of a believer of fate, and you look up to prove him otherwise.

It’s only then that Donghyuck takes a really good look on you: new hairstyle, backpack slung in one arm, a student ID badge hanging right below your chest.

“Y/N!” A girl whisper-shouts from behind Donghyuck. “Have you found the book?”

You don’t tear your glance away from him, but you nod and say, “Yeah. I’ll go check it out and I’ll meet you outside.”

The other girl doesn’t notice him and proceeds to leave. You take two, three, five, seven steps, and you’re right in front of him.

“Hi, Donghyuck-ah,” you say in the softest voice as soon as you’re close enough.

Donghyuck wonders whether this is just a dream or if he’d started hallucinating you because of the medicines he’s been taking, but then he catches a whiff of your scent, and Donghyuck believes.

Donghyuck believes in fate. In forgiveness. In healing. In love. In finding one’s way back home.

END

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#m: haechan #u: dream #u: 127 #g: fluff #g: angst #g: slowburn #au: idol #au: childhood friends #t: oneshot #wc: 20k-50k

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