neontiger1988 - Tumblr blog

[neontiger1988]

ily = i love you ilysm = i love you so much ywmbaily = you were brother anakin i loved you

[neontiger1988]

Hey guys! My friend has been fostering dogs this past year. She’s hoping to take in more, but needs a fenced yard to do so. If you have the ability to do so, please help by donating so that we can save more pups!

[neontiger1988]

a game show where a toddler has to choose between a cheque for a million dollars or a small basket filled with $8.14 worth of dollar store toys and in the corner of the tv you can see their parents in a locked sound proof room watching from a screen and screaming the whole time

[neontiger1988]

hey remember when jk rowling used ‘those girls are actually boys in disguise’ as a punchline in her books

specifically when crabbe and goyle were polyjuiced into first-year girls to spy for malfoy

her transmisogyny was always there and cannot be ignored

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you don’t go homo or bi or trans to hell

the expression is “going straight to hell”

wake up america

[neontiger1988]

do you ever bite into a piece of cheese on bread and immediately find yourself as a true and honest shepherd boy in the 1300s who sometimes steals apples but is overall hale and truehearted

[neontiger1988]

100%

I hate in the MCU or anything when the aliens or whatever are attacking and everyone’s just ‘oh yeah we be chilling just cowering over here’ as if seventy percent of humanity isn’t really angry all the time like catch these hands motherfucker I’ve bitten people for trying to steal my chips you think you can just steal my whole fucking planet YEET HERE COME MY TEETH film people be using responses to natural disasters but I promise if human sized things came to throw down humanity would be ready to fuck them up like yeah you got laser guns I got this dope ass stick I just found let’s go you ugly fuck

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SLYTHERIN: “If one man can destroy everything, why can’t one girl change it?” –Malala Yousafzai (I Am Malala: The Story of the Girl Who Stood Up for Education and Was Shot by the Taliban)

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when they first revealed Carol with short hair did anyone else feel like you were punched in the chest and all the air left your lungs or was that just me

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Tom Hiddleston reminisces about the first movie he watched in a cinema, 7th January 2017

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How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces? These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’ ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! _______________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth? WITNESS: July 18th. ATTORNEY: What year? WITNESS: Every year. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you? WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which. ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you? WITNESS: Forty-five years. _________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: He’s 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you shitting me? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral… _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[neontiger1988]

NOTHING is funnier to me than the fact that Dumbledore literally designed the PERFECT protection for the Philosopher’s Stone but still let McGonagall enchant a giant chess set and Snape make a Legend of Zelda puzzle purely for the DRAMA of it all. And y'all say Dumbledore wasn’t ever visibly gay.

[neontiger1988]

One time I ran out to get a redbox. I was wearing my absolute favorite pair of shorts. I knew they were on their last leg so I didn’t wear them very often, but just going to get a dvd so no biggie. Well, I get there and am waiting in line with someone behind me. The wind blows and I realize my butt felt the breeze as well. I ran my hands down my tush and thighs and realized THERE IS A MONSTROUS RIP IN THESE SHORTS AND EVERYONE CAN SEE MY KNICKERS!!!!! Like everyone. Not just the people behind me, but the people that pulled into the gas station while I was waiting. As I’m not a quitter, I stayed and got my dvd and hoped that folks behind wouldn’t put my literal ass on the internet. 7 minutes later I got home and am actively dying from embarrassment while yelling to my mom about this incident. I round the corner and enter the room she’s in to continue whining and PLOT FUCKING TWIST she looks me dead in the eye 1000% serious and says, “oh, I thought you knew they were torn.” And that friends, is the moment I realized how much of a bum my family thinks I am.

[neontiger1988]

SLYTHERIN: “Race, ethnicity, gender, class…any type of prejudice on the battlefield can only lead to weakness and an increase in casualties.” –Hiromu Arakawa (Olivier Mira Armstrong: Fullmetal Alchemist)

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i see your text posts on Harry going to Hogwarts and getting a Howler from Sirius saying they’re going to a concert or praising him for getting in trouble while Remus is saying Sirius no in the background and I raise you this:

1st morning at Hogwarts Howler: “HARRY, HARRY THIS IS SIRIUS YOUR GODFATHER SIRIUS HARRY ARE YOU OKAY ARE YOU ALIVE WHAT HAVE YOU HAD TO EAT ARE YOU DRINKING DRINK MORE LIKE SEVEN GLASSES OF WATER JUST DRINK IT ALL AND DID YOU SLEEP OKAY *remus in the background: Pads leave the poor kid alone* IF YOU’RE SCARED YOU JUST TELL US AND YOU CAN COME RIGHT HOME *remus: in other news, we miss you, Harry* I DO NOT MISS HIM I'M FINE I’M SAYING HARRY’S HOMESICK *it’s okay to miss the boy you’ve been raising for eleven years, Pads* ELEVEN THAT’S RIGHT HE’S ONLY ELEVEN DO YOU HEAR ME DUMBLEDORE THAT’S TOO YOUNG THEY’RE PRACTICALLY IN DIAPERS *oh, we’re talking to Dumbledore now, are we? Tell him I say hello* HARRY YOU OWL ME RIGHT THIS INSTANT *are you crying?* OR I’LL FLOO THERE YOU KNOW WHAT I’LL JUST GO RIGHT– *I’m so sorry, Harry, have a good day, we love you!* [sounds of struggling and cursing fade away]

2nd morning: “HARRY, HARRY THIS IS SIRIUS YOUR– *oh for fuck’s sake Pads it’s 3 a.m.!*”

3rd morning Dumbledore receives two letters:

1:

Here is a list of all the parents who think the current DADA teacher is incompetent. Luckily for you, I know two exceedingly handsome and competent men ready to take up the position right now. Like, today right now. RIGHT NOW. Remus and I would like our room to be in the Gryffindor tower preferably next to the first year dormitory. At the very least, fire that Divination woman and hire us that teacher is buLLSHIT AND WE ALL KNOW IT I DESERVE THIS MORE

2:

Dumbledore,

How has the new school year been treating you? As you may have assumed, Sirius is finding the separation anxiety to be more difficult than anticipated. The signatures he sent you are all forged, but I have heard some curious rumors about the current DADA professor Quirrell. I trust your judgment above all else but if you were to find yourself in the position of needing two people to joint teach DADA, it would be much appreciated if you contact us. 

Now, I must go prevent Sirius from hacking the Floo network to your fireplace, again. 

Warm regards,

Remus J. Lupin

4th morning: “HARRY, HARRY THIS IS SIRIUS I HAVE GREAT NEWS HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THE NEW DADA TEACHERS–”

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[neontiger1988]

that moment when Carol took the gauntlet 2.0 and all the ladies lined up, ready to protect her, like alexa play god is a woman