nerdycollectionthing-blog

[nerdycollectionthing-blog]

Today I wanted to die. I thought about it a lot. I want the pain to stop and going into the darkness feels warm and inviting. I have been filling the hole with pills, the hole that’s left where I used to have intimacy with you. I buy drugs to numb myself. To make me feel good because I hate myself. I disgust you, I went from a wife to a junkie who can’t be trusted. I went from a mom to a waste of skin who is regarded as the same as your ex with a son you never wanted. No one asked why I am using, you just see the money disappearing. I broke the most sacred vow, trust....and now I can see the disgust when you look at me, I can hear it in your voice. I really wanted to end my life today, I thought about how I could do it, when i could do it....and it seems so easy, easier than living with this pain, easier than the thought of quitting the pills. I thought about how much better everyone’s life would be if mine ended. Instead I started cutting myself....I want to punish myself because I am a pathetic junkie and it feels good to hurt....so for now I am putting off killing myself.....for tonight anyway. If I do kill myself I will have to do it away from home as I don’t want my older/youngest son to be the one to find me. Maybe just take all the pills at once and go to sleep in my car...someone will eventually find me. I could try slitting my wrists again, do it right this time....but for sure I don’t want my sons to find me...maybe on a Friday EDO or on the weekend that way someone is here to take care of my youngest one. Overdosing seems easy enough just slipping into the darkness....like a warm bath....no pain....just deep warm darkness.

[nerdycollectionthing-blog]

Things the little bitch in my head says

Your ugly

Your stupid

Your worthless

Your a waste of skin

You should kill yourself

Everyone will be better off if you were dead

[nerdycollectionthing-blog]

Okay....so I have mental disorders....I take meds but I really wish I was just born “normal”. I get tired of always taking meds and try to get off them but then something always happens like I try to kill myself and I go back on them. I recently started seeing a dr because I am 47 and am still doing this mental shit and I’m tired...tired of the pills, of my brain, of life....of everyday being a struggle. Why do some people seem to have an easier life, like shit just works out for some people and others have to travel this crappy fucking road full of traps and holes. I hate myself right now!! The voice in my head hates me just as much if not more so we are best friends and I seem to be spending more time with the little bitch than anyone else!

[nerdycollectionthing-blog]

me when the movie on netflix finally finishes