neveergoodenough

[neveergoodenough]

07272021

making a su1c1d3 note for fun ^^

if you are reading this then, congrats you know how to read! oh and also that im gone

i dont know, im so tired. i feel like theres nothing going right in my life. on the outside i may look like a happy go lucky girl (i am on most days) and privileged one that everyone wouldnt guess that i, want to die.

im turning 23 tomorrow and whats the point really. as i write my anxiety is eating me up. i hate my birthday. i dont understand how anyone can be happy on their birthday. to me its like a reminder that i failed to complete my one goal, to die.

people will cry sure. but i can only count on my hands the people that will actually care, the people that will actually say that my absence left a whole in their life. bcs thats the truth, people will forget you eventually, alive or dead.

i dont think id had a person cry for me. its not an obligation of course but that they care to that extent. i dont really feel like i have friends sometimes. maybe i have 2 or 3 but thats it. the rest will and some already have forgotten me.

i have learned that life really does not have any meaning. we are just organisms bidding our time here on this floating and tainted rock. existing just to suffer. why cant it be my time now?

individual notes:

flo - im sorry. i know we promised each other that we'd go together but i couldnt anymore. i will start building our belle epoque at my destination. dont come so soon yet tho since i will be taking my sweet time planning it out, getting right material, watching the yt vids on how to build, yada yada. so dont catch with me yet. you still have a lot to do there and pls for me, survive and be happy.

ven, ianna, angel - hi besties. thank you for all the support you gave me since day 1. i know na one chat away lg kamo prmi sa bsan ano, so im going need you all to continue to do that with each other. be each other's strength. i wish you all happiness, and im sorry.

la fam x homo - pls continue to pursue something that was once my dream. i have no doubt in my mind that you all will find your own place in this world. thank you for the friendship even tho i slightly distanced myself. im sorry

mama - sorry ma, i have never been the perfect child. often times my selfish and prideful self stood a little higher. this pandemic distanced us even more than before and it might be an excuse but i still feel guilty. take care of your health and make good choices.

papa - honestly most of my traumas growing up was because of you. my anxiety, why i became so reserved as i grew up, and depressed (but u dont believe in that, right? let me be your perfect example then). but despite all of these, i couldnt hate you 100%, you were a good father, a provider. i will always be thankful for that. so dont blame yourself too much. do better pls, atleast for darla. you were wrong all along papa, i am not your strongest child.

lance - it was from you that suffered the biggest betrayal from. but i dont have the energy to be angry at you anymore, i can never get to you. you are like a closed boom that cant be opened but at the same time i dont wanna open anymore. im tired. but despite all of this, i so hope you are happy now, i hope you live your own life making your own decisions and owning up to all of them as well.

darla - all my money goes to you. i dont care kung anhun mo, go abroad or whatever. dont be oa, im not a millionaire but just take my money. withdraw it all before you all register my death certificate. my doh schol when i die will be cancelled but i wont leave you with debt so dont worry about that. wala na ko da so by all means darla, you have the freedom to leave our house na. no point in staying there if youll still be miserable. do it for yourself. save yourself. **pin numbers in my notes app

you can sell my bts stuff, they cost a fortune i promise. i want my funeral to be small, no unneccessary people (u know who, darla)

well this is goodbye then, i cant fully say i lived a good life since there was a lot of suffering. ill just say i lived a good chunk of days that made me want to survive for a little while longer.

[neveergoodenough]

If you don’t like where you are, move on. You are not a tree.

[neveergoodenough]

Cry. Forgive. Learn. Move on. Let your tears water the seeds of your future happiness // Steve Maraboli.

[neveergoodenough]

You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months overanalyzing a situation, trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened… or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.

Tupac (via fromalettertoanotebook)

[neveergoodenough]

I moved on, but I never let go. And there’s a big difference in that.

K.B. (via fingertipwords)

[neveergoodenough]

To heal a wound, you need to stop touching it.

Things that take a while to understand (via patrizzyjames)

[neveergoodenough]

Im sorry . im sorry mom and dad for not being the perfect daughter. Im sorry big brother and big sister for not being the perfect little sister. Im sorry friends for not being the perfect friend. Im sorry teachers for not being the perfect student. Im sorry world for not being perfect. Im sorry. I decided to do 'it' tonight. To feel the rough grinding of the blade against my forearm. To see the crimson liquid flow from my arm onto the cold floor of my bedroom. To smell the hint of rust of the residue. To taste the negativity of the atmosphere around me. And to hear my inner demons whispering against my ear the things i couldnt do just a few hours ago. Now here i am, i thought when i did this i would be wallowing in pain and have a sense of panic to stop my arm from bleeding. But no, i feel numb, i feel nothing. There are no thoughts, no feelings, no memories, no ideas, and no background noise. It was only me and the silence.