nevertoolatehehe

[nevertoolatehehe]

Progress!

Hi! My daily progress' (and yes, consistency will also count as progress) in the various departments of my life will be logged here :)

F the world, the universe serves me and I shall not bend to every single rock floating around me. I am doing this to serve me, live a life , and feel good and proud and better just for me :) One should do things that make them happy. And being able to do things and not having regrets, bring my joy :)

Why is progress important? Becomes it grounds me , opens up doors for me (doors I don't need to chase and fear missing out on but rather give me the opportunity to enrich the one life I have) , and being able to do one more thing today that I was too scared to do yesterday calms me and makes me happier and braver.

It's not about the fear of missing out on the billions and trillions of things the billions of other people or doing or can do but rather the joy of things I am doing with the notebook of my life. The difference between jealousy and living and choosing having more options to choose from! Its freedom! Its free will! Both, dedicating yourself to one thing or doing multiple things at once, following the instructed path or doing something out of pocket , and neither are correct or wrong. They are just PATHS. Paths existing in the forest of the universe. You just focus on your heart and your breathe. Don't think about how things are perceived, how much they are worth doing, whether they can be capitalised, are they worth it. Because one you do something, it's done and you rarely think back to it or regret it. Then why haunt yourself with things you want to do but you haven't? Why do you need a reason to do something? Isn't wanting to do them not good enough? (~Hinata) And, you truly do start enjoying things once you become good at it! (~Bokuto). Comparison and the dark emotions that come after it, all they do is just cloud are thoughts, actions and life and we can't let them win over us baar-baar, can we? It's all for the feeling of when there is silence around you, and you close your eyes, and take a deep breath, and think about yourself and the life you have lived... is that feeling CONTENT ?

As Kita said, doing things right, just feels good yk? It's true, taking care of yourself requires effort and sucks sometimes, but it only sucks right now but makes you so content and lucky in general. Because you can truly never escape it. If you escape it now , you keep thinking about it forever and it never stops haunting you. skts (in that one tale) proved how insane the gleam of white and joy delayed gratification brings. There is a lot more to say and think and recall and remind and remember and that too is joy :)

[nevertoolatehehe]

A personal thought piece on why “Getting Older” by Billie Eilish resonates with me so much:

Getting Older, the first song of Billie’s album “Happier Than Ever", captures the beauty of the album so well, the perfect preview. A song and album focusing on development of oneself and self-growth. From songs like my future (another song I was obsessed with a few days ago and would love to a thought dive on soon) to Lost Cause (mv with which she came out to the world), the album explores pre-adult life growth in such a beautiful way.

Getting back to Getting older, it is a 4 minute 4 second song with such beautiful melodies (just your average Billie song) and the perfect consistent soft singing which feels much smaller when focusing on lyrics, consisting of 2 main chunks of writing with similar paragraph structure or chorus with slight variations. The song as a whole is just so lovely to listen to and even though I don’t relate to the whole song (which is a good thing I suppose), the parts I do relate to just hit different, especially with what 2024 was like for me.

I'm getting older, I think I'm aging well

I am, I am getting older, heck that, this was the year I turned 21, officially entering adulthood. I am looking for jobs, trying to spread my wings and trying to get ready to face the real world. I do think emotionally, I am aging well. My attitude towards some things, some realisations I have had, lessons I have learnt, views I have adapted, I do like them a lot and am very proud of my growth in that field. But I do have to point out it is not completely true, since that only makes up about 40% of me and even though I am proud of it, the remaining 60% of things that is responsible for taking actions, grit, bravery, sticking it through, achieving, working hard still struggles and has not had lasting improvements. There were a lot of amazing starts in that field, but they did not stick through and this year has honestly probably been worse in terms of giving tangible results in career skill / career focussed achievement than last year and how it should have been. Although in the field of personal hobby achievements I did take more wins than I have before. (badminton, tennis, running, stairs, drawing, black commonplace-ADHD book system, journaling etc.)

Also the background - doop doop doop - then - deep deep deep - sound flowing in the background makes it feel like its grasping you and makes it feel like you are getting engrossed in the song

Last week, I realized I crave pity When I retell a story, I make everything sound worse

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Which is ironic because when I wasn't honest, I was still being ignored (Lying for attention just to get neglection)

Earlier this year, when I lived in my older dorms and was going through an emotional turmoil I hadn’t phased before, I often ended up wondering how I came across to other people, and I realised how much I complained when discussing events or talked about things is a not optimistic way to either come across humble, relatable or more importantly, to gain the other person’s pity or empathy. I probably did so because you perhaps hope that if the other person feels bad for you, they’ll stay more, hurt you less, care more for you … craving love, respect and longevity from people in my life. But I felt embarrassed when I realised this. Being this person who is begging for other people’s approval, empathy and validation to feel human. Not just embarrassed, it infuriated me too, making me angry and sad for not just me and a friend of mine who does this too under the guise of “sharing her their life” but just ends up being complaints after complaints after complaints, making me want to scream to just brave and face it out of it. I also did realise me getting pity and sympathy for these small struggles does not make fighting them easier, but rather facing them with courage and fear in my chest makes me feel prouder and stronger. And people don’t stick around for people they constantly feel bad for and tired around but rather people who feel like sunshine and warmth and inspiration and brave, people who are nice to be around. (When I talk about this I don’t mean not being open with friends or discussing struggles … they are absolutely important and sharing struggles makes you connect with people and bring them closer but I discourage constant whining rather than openness, transparency and asking for help. Are you looking for sympathy so that you feel empathised with and supported or seeking the other person’s validation to make them feel bad for you so they stay and they don’t hurt you like “others did” and you feel validated).

Things I once enjoyed (ah-ah) Just keep me employed now Things I'm longing for Someday, I'll be bored of It's so weird That we care so much until we don't

This verse makes me wonder but not in the way Billie intended. She talks about her hobbies being reduced to her job and their spark disappearing … but I am someone who hasn’t figured out things she enjoys consistently yet so having the possibility of them being associated with your employment sounds like something that’s not in my current scope of things and rather something that could happen only when I grow more. Although I want to find those for more of a self-discovery purpose than to make them my job because all I care about is that spark and self-fulfilment without any pressure or stress on them.

I'm happier than ever, at least that's my endeavour

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But next week, I hope I'm somewhere laughing

Isn’t this what we all aim for alas, constantly, but especially when you are in a dedicated growth phase in your life. These words have been my biggest aspiration this year, the constant hope that maybe, just maybe if I can stay string in this metamorphosis growth state, and soon I can burst out and grow out my beautiful wings and take flight next week, I’ll be happier and prouder than before and somewhere laughing.