niarella

[niarella]

I have been single for almost two years now, I'll admit that I have 'dated' now and again but let's not count these as they do not compare to a relationship. When I was in my last relationship which ended two years ago I lost my independence when in that relationship. I was a shadow, my confidence was deflated and my self esteem was battered. I was just a girlfriend and I was not my own person. Something HAD to change. I took a step and started to live alone. For the first time I had to manage my finances alone, paying bills, rent, buying food etc. All the things I would share with a partner. The next step was attending events such as parties, weddings etc alone. This was difficult at the start... alcohol helps, ALOT. Instant confidence (woo)! The last step was the big one... those little couple things like going out for dinner, walks on a Sunday, coffee trips, holidays, weekend breaks etc. You know the stuff! At the start I would do these things with friends... but it was not the same as it felt like you had to constantly please them and keep them entertained. Eventually I started to do little things alone.. I remember one of the first things I did. I had always wanted to go to Columbia road, flower market in London. It's every Sunday and it was something I had spoken about with my ex to get my favourite flowers - peonies. One day, I set off early and arrived at Columbia road, soaking wet but with a huge smile on my face (Unfortunately peonies were not in season but I still had a lovely time). Later on, I took myself for dinner. I went to a restaurant I had always wanted to try called Mildred's in Soho. I sat down and ate slowly and took in the atmosphere and I did not feel lonely. Soon after I started to do more alone, I visited the sky garden, I went for cocktails, I turned up at weddings alone (feeling super sassy and confident in a beautiful dress all alone) and finally I went aboard alone. Searching for cheap flights on sky scanner, I would just book it and go. Ha, I'm off to Rome on Sunday. Somewhere I have always dreamt about going with someone I love... now I'm going alone because you know what... I love myself - That's a topic for another day. Now after enjoying myself for two years I have become content with being 'single' to the point that I actually do not mind being single for quite some time now. I am used to it and it will take someone bloody spectacular to change that. So listen to this... I'm on tinder (Yeah it's a waste of time but it's good to fill time when bored, particularly on night shifts). Once matched with someone I may receive a message such as 'You're gorgeous, how are you single?' Or on Facebook 'how are you still single, I would love to take you out!' OR the worst kind of messages that slide into your inbox are from people who have partners saying that they wish that they were with you. Assholes! :) I want to make this clear. Maybe I should get this tattoo'd onto my forehead: I am single by CHOICE. Yep, choice. I choose to be single. It is not because I am not wanted, because I am (not to sound big headed at all, everyone is wanted). The thing is I do not want to waste my time dating people who are not right for me and I do not want to waste their time either. Lessons I have learnt from being single - just a few (I have learnt a lot but these are my top ten): 1. Enjoy that freedom. Honestly! You should take time for yourself and do the things that you have always wanted to do. Take the trip, buy those shoes, visit that gallery, hike that mountain or simply binge watch gossip girl in your underwear whilst eating glorious amounts of your favourite foods. No one is there to judge! 2. DO NOT and I repeat do not settle. Please! Stay single until you meet someone who compliments you. Someone who is proud of you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. 3. You will soon realise how happy you can be single and how unhappy you can be in a relationship. But also remember you can be unhappy as single and be happy in a relationship. You just cannot win... but you will realise how many people are still in a relationship even though they are unhappy because they are afraid of being single. Trust me, there is a lot. 4. Do not ever think that you are unwanted because you are single. You are single because you are strong enough to wait for what you deserve and that's more than okay and does not need to be justified. 5. Never rush. Ever. Do not seek a relationship as relationships find you when you least expect it. Did your mum ever tell you - good things happen to those who wait. Well, start listening to your mum. They give excellent advice. 6. Remember you are free. No drama, no arguments, no tears, no confusion. As Bob Marley said 'no worries' ;) 7. Learn to love yourself. I cannot express how important this is. You need to become comfortable being alone. This is when you will choose someone for love and not to cure loneliness. 8. BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! 9. Have a laugh. Make jokes about being alone, be carefree and enjoy those memes that remind you how great it is being single. 10. Always have faith. One day you will love again. You just have a few lessons to learn. The thing is that one day everything will just click and fall into place. You will smile at the lessons learnt and you will begin to understand what is important and what is not. You will care less about the ones that do not care about you (particularly those ex's who pop into your inbox or those ones that just want a one night stand). You will have the confidence to stand your ground and say no. You will roll your eyes at these people because you know that you are worth more. To sum things up (finally) enjoy being single and embrace all of the wonderful opportunities. Of course you will have your low points but just be careful and be wise with your decisions. Do not destruct your peace that you have found by giving the wrong people chances. A little quote from one the best TV programmes 'being single used to mean that no body wanted you. Now it means that you are pretty sexy and you are taking your time deciding how you want your life to be and who you want to spend it with' - sex and the city. ❤️ big love xox

[niarella]

It all starts when you cannot get out of bed. You do not even have the motivation to make a drink, let alone get dressed and face the day. This is when you know that it is bad, again. You feel like you need to just sleep until you are better but the thing is… you cannot sleep with all of the noise inside of your head. You feel empty and that you are stuck inside a dark hole. You fall down and you just do not have the strength to get back up. You put a mask on, you pretend that everything is okay. You hide it all with a smile and ‘I am okay’ but as soon as you are home and alone and there is no one there to look at you, you can be yourself. It all comes in and the darkness comes and gets you. It paralyses you. You cannot move. It’s actually painful. You do not tell people this though… it is hard. It is difficult to explain what is going on, so it it easier just to fake it. Fake a smile, fake the laughter and fake how happy you are. It’s all just a show. The reality is… behind the smile, my heart is broken. Behind my eyes, I have tears and behind my body, my soul is screaming and trying to fight . It’s exhausting. It is wanting to be alone, but also craving someone to be there for you. Feeling lonely, isolated but not knowing how to explain yourself so you become distinct. People will sense that something is wrong but will always say that you are 'fine’. I am always just fine. Tired, but fine.

Today I realised that I have stopped living. I do not blame anyone for this except for myself. I have not been okay for a very long time. This evening I had to do something difficult and drag myself out. I went to guided mediation and to see a life coach. It was like she could read my mind (which is difficult) but she just knew exactly what was going on. Throughout my meditation I could feel tears running down my cheeks and my lips starting to tremble as I was dealing with deeper issues. Within my mediation I went on a journey to a lake where I was greeted by a person from my past. This person knows me well, so we chatted. This person explained to me why I feel the way that I do. It all boils down to one simple thing - rejection. I have rejection issues.

This is not a recent thing. This occurred when I was younger and I have never dealt with this issue in my life. I have just carried on and let it spiral into something larger to the extent I lost love because of it. It has had its advantages though because it has made me strong and made me realise exactly what I want and I will not settle for anything less. Although I have become so strong that if I get the slight feeling of being unwanted, I will not even try and fix it. I will just just simply let go and move on. This has obviously had a huge effect on my relationships. I am so scared of being rejected, I am actually rejecting people myself.

Tonight I did an exercise to work on this issue of rejection. I was given a rubber football and I was told to throw it across the room and let go of the issue. Let go of the feelings of rejection!

I want to finally take down my walls and allow someone in. I set myself three goals for the next six months:

1. To have freedom 2. To find love 3. To be happy

My goals are simple. But actually to me, these goals are difficult when you are in such a dark place. For now, I will accept and focus. I will accept my depression and work with her. I will stop fighting with her. I am going to set positive daily intentions and connect these intentions to positive energy. I will do more of what makes me happy and I will slow down and stop rushing around. I will live in the moment and stop focusing on what my next task is. If an excuse comes to me, I’ll kick it away. Just like you would a football. I will follow my intuition instead of a set plan and connect with my higher self. I need my little spark back. She’s lost but I know exactly what I need to do. No excuses!

Xxoxox

[niarella]

'What if I fall?' 'Oh darling, what if you fly?' A few years ago I suffered from anxiety. Up until recently I have been able to manage it. Of course she likes to pop up now and again and surprise me out of nowhere but most of the time I am able to manage her. At the moment, I've found it harder to manage her. She's like a naughty child that just will not give up until she has what she wants. I am not sure what has triggered her to play up like this but it feels like she is suffocating me with thoughts. I cannot sleep, all I want is comfort food and I feel isolated. I have no energy and I've lost my drive. David Icke once said 'the greatest prison that people live in is the fear of what other people think'. This is true, whereas in the other hand Sigmund Frued said 'before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self esteem, first make sure that you are not surrounded by assholes'. So this made me think about the society in which I live in and most importantly the subject of the mind which I want to focus on. The mind is powerful if you let it be. It has the ability to perform self deconstruction and you only have the power to allow this. No one else, no matter what you think. Remember what you give power to, has the power over you if you allow it. So recently my feelings relating to 'feeling anxious' are linked to my recently injury and constantly being worried about what others think to the state of my ankle being swollen and covered in scars. The thing is, I cannot control their thoughts so why am I letting this get to me? I can only control my own thoughts. A note to myself: Darling girl, why do you do this to yourself? You have the power to be anything you want to be. Do not let that fire inside your soul burn out. I know that you are exhausted but please keep going. Stop being lazy with cooking and nourish yourself. Take care and slow down a little bit. Think about beautiful things and do not welcome ugly thoughts. Meditate these thoughts away in clouds. It is okay to have a swollen ankle, it is healing and so are you. The scars will soon fade but be patient. While being patient focus on what makes you happy and look after yourself a little more. Healthy self = heal thy self Xoxox

[niarella]

I forgave everybody, I gave up, I got drunk.

Jack Kerouac (via quotemadness)

[niarella]

Reflecting on how exhausted I was and how little I actually looked after myself. You know when you get to the point in which you feel like you hardly have any time to look after yourself, have a little pamper, drink more water, do things to relax... or maybe you've got time but you are not using that time effectively? Life can be hectic. It is so important to look after your mental health as well as your physical health. We all brush our teeth twice a day (well at least I hope we do) and we take showers etc. But why don't we create a mind free from stress? Practicing self care allows you to take on the challenges that life hits you with. Just like going to the gym and having a little routine why can't we have a personalised self care routine? An example: Daily Morning - wake up and drink a glass water - eat a healthy breakfast/have a smoothie - complete gratitude journal - stretch. Do sun salutations - give yourself a positive (build your self esteem) During the day - take a walk - drink lots of water - do not skip meals - limit caffeine intake - admire something beautiful - give someone a reason to smile Evening - outfit plan for the next day - moisturise your skin - work out - make a to do list - enjoy a warm drink - meditate - read 💗 I'm excited. Starting tonight with my evening routine 😌

[niarella]

[niarella]

[niarella]

It has taken a while. Lots of little steps, walking away from this unpleasant memory. I have become more cautious of people. I have transformed and finally built up the strength to let go “One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul”.

Last year my heart was broken. I would bandage my heart up to try and stop the pain; through the use of cigarettes, food, fake relationships and alcohol. A lot of alcohol. Thankfully, one day I realised that all I was doing was prolonging the pain, numbing it. How was I ever meant to move on if my heart was not mended? So instead of telling myself that I was ‘damaged, broken and that I have trust issues’ I changed my outlook on life and focused on self healing.

I began to tell myself… 'I am healing’, 'I am finding myself’ and 'I am okay’. I would only be positive and I would not let anyone get in the way of this. I gave up drinking, smoking etc and focused on myself. It was not that needed to change who I was, I just needed to start loving myself. Everything that I required to heal was already within me. I had strength, courage, compassion and love. I just needed to direct these to my heart. It did not take long to start healing when I started to take care of myself. I remember someone once saying to me… 'you are a caterpillar, waiting for your wings to transform into a butterfly’. Butterflies are beautiful and when you think about their journey they go through darkness to become something beautiful. So I finally understand what she meant, so thank you.

'The relationship that you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship that you will have’. This is one of my favourite quotes and it is so important. How can you take care of someone else if you cannot even take care of yourself?

Self care:

1. LOVE. Love everyone, everything and yourself. 2. Trust your instinct. 3. Be positive. Especially about yourself. 4. Stay away from negative vibes, people, places etc. Let that shit go. 5. Do not try and be a hero. You cannot please everyone. You, my dear are the most important (…and that isn’t selfish). 6. Do not be afraid to stand your ground and say no, but also do not be afraid to say yes to new opportunities. 7. Take breaks. You need to re-fuel.

Put yourself at the top of your to do list everyday and watch wonderful things start to manifest.

Xoxo

[niarella]

This morning someone tagged me in this and said that they thought of me when they read it. It meant so much to me 😌

[niarella]

[niarella]

Positive thinking for my first day post operation. Today will be a good day, I'm going to get better and start my journey home.

[niarella]

Inhale the good shit, exhale the bullshit

[niarella]

[niarella]

After recent events I have been thinking a lot about people in my life. I have had a lot of love and support and I just want to say thank you to those who have taken the time to contact me, I am overwhelmed. Especially to those who have contacted me and we don’t speak very often, it has been lovely to hear from you and catch up.

Although a little shock to the system was the lack of support from people that I thought would be there. It is sad to learn that you are not as important to someone as you thought you were. I have a huge heart and I am a forgiver. Some people do make mistakes, even the ones that you cherish but there is a point in which you need to draw the line.

Forgiveness is good for flow of love energy. There is no point in holding grudges. Release that negative energy, the hate, anger etc that is restricting your energy flow. You have control over how you choose to react to situations. Be strong, be full of love and forgiveness. You will not realise how strong you are until you forgive those that you will never receive a apology from.

“When you choose to forgive people who hurt you, you take away their power”. Hating someone makes them important right? I believe that there is good in everyone and I do not like to give up on people. I have let people walk all over me in the past and forgiven them but now it’s the time that I started to take control. I will still forgive, but I will also let go.

“Fools take a knife and stab people in the back. The wise will take the knife, cut the cord and set themselves free from the fools”. A good example would be when trees let go of their dead leaves. It is a beautiful way of showing how lovely it is to let go of dead things. You need to learn that some people are not meant to be in your life forever. So what you need to do is thank them for being part of your journey and take a deep breathe. Feel sorry for that person as they have lost someone that adored them and if it had been the other way around I would have done anything for them.

So this is me letting go of those people because I need to finally start caring about myself. I have realised that people can stay in my heart but they do not need to be part of my life. I cannot carry around a toolbox trying to fix the broken, it is destroying me. I no longer have the energy for meaningless friendships.

I forgive you, but I’m letting you go.

Xoxo

[niarella]

New chapter

Today’s lesson: I understand that a mistake is only an opportunity to learn.

Throughout our lives we are lucky to encounter many different experiences and chances. Some we thrive at, some not so. I personally would not call this failure. You as an individual make up the decision on whether an experience is good or bad. If you view something as failure it may prevent you from trying again. Take this opportunity to begin again. Do not take it to heart, you are in control.

‘You only fail when you stop trying’ - so see this an an opportunity to grow, develop and evolve. I feel like too many people ignore the saying 'when one door closes, another door opens’. Let’s seek the positives and learn to endure failure. Take risks; you may disappoint people on the way but do not give up. This is your path, not theirs.

Begin again. Distance yourself and clear your mind. Let go. You cannot change what has happened (unless you have a magical fairy godmother). Stop wasting thinking thinking about it and just move on. Get over it!

Remember that the universe likes to play games with us and she likes to make you work hard. Life is not simple. Just remember that there is something better waiting for you. This is your chance to rebuild your life the way that you want it to be. Now, turn over the page and start your next chapter. It is exciting.

Xoxo.

[niarella]

[niarella]

Lessons of a broken heart. (Just a few)

1. Sometimes things will fall apart. It is the universe working on something better for you. Just be patient.

2. Remember that the relationship was never a waste of time. If you reflect there will always be a lesson in there somewhere for you to learn and work on for future relationships.

3. Never, ever go back to that person. It will never be the same (This one is really difficult).

4. On the days that you feel low, look at yourself in the mirror and smile. Tell yourself three positive things about yourself. Don’t let your self esteem be battered.

5. If someone loved you, words do not mean anything. Actions mean everything. Remember that! It’s what people show you, not what they promise you.

6. The relationship that you have with yourself sets the tone for every relationship you will have.

7. SO, LOVE YOURSELF!

8. This stage is the part in which you learn a lot about yourself. Ever heard of perception is projection?

9. You are stronger than you think. Life likes to throw a lot at you. You have two choices; stand there and take it or you can move out of the way.

10. Spend this time exploring new things. Learn, travel, meet new people. Live for the moment.

11. If you start to feel weak and miss that person, do not contact them. Learn to love the sound of your feet walking away to your amazing future.

12. Do not jump into another relationship. Chances are you are not going to be ready. Just hold on tight and be wise enough to wait for what you deserve, it will come.

13. Communicate. Do not isolate yourself from the world (It is okay to have those nights where you hide with a tub of Ben & Jerry’s and a RomCom). Letting everything out is a good way to heal.

14. Practice meditation. It helps to clear your mind!

15. Life goes on. Although this pain is horrible, it isn’t permanent.