nicawas

[nicawas]

When work life imitates work art. #dropitlikeitshot #squatlife @head_marbles @athleta photo credit: @arb1489 (at Athleta at Marketfair)

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A perfect wedding day! #Argentilly #Argentilly2015 #killingit #afamilythatslaystogetherstaystogether (at Mountain Lakes House)

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Aries  -  think of your heart like a time capsule and that emergency bag you keep by the door in case of disaster, all rolled into one: use it to store what you need to keep you happy and what you need to keep you breathing, and anything else can be left behind. Taurus  -  some people learn slowly when it comes to themselves and that’s okay; treat yourself like a new city and let years pass before you venture down certain streets and spend hours in every corner store. Gemini   -  relearn the traits you thought you needed to leave behind so that you could be liked; relearn defiance, relearn anger, relearn bitterness and passivity and laziness and never again trim yourself down for anybody.   Cancer  -  feelings can be like cages, and I don’t know where to find the key for yours, all I know is that you are constantly trapped in that feeling that you aren’t good enough and I am always searching the couch cushions for your way out.   Leo  -  it’s okay to admit that things hurt; it’s okay to admit that other people have hurt you, instead of always blaming it on the sadness that lives in your heartbeat.   Virgo  - lately I’ve been drenched in this feeling of dread and I think you have too, and I don’t know what’s coming, but I know to trust my gut to know when disaster will sneak into my life; I also trust my gut to know that we’re gonna make it out okay. Libra   -  when the world is too complicated for you to follow along, try planting something in fresh dirt and keeping it in your window sill; nothing is simpler than that and nothing else makes the world seem as safe as you need it to be. Scorpio  -  the connections you have with other people are like dances: they will follow your cues in the same way you follow theirs; make sure you’re sending them the right signals or they might think the music has stopped.   Sagittarius  -  everyone has a period in their life that they can look back on later and think of what a mess they used to be; what people often forget is that, at some point, you do have to live through it. Capricorn  -  I know you feel like you are constantly being left in the dust of all the people you miss, but never forget that dirt is where everything you need comes from anyway and that you can make anything beautiful with nothing but your hands and a little but of sun. Aquarius  -  you are so much closer to being your ideal self than you were at 13; think of how much closer you will be in ten more years. Pisces  -  I don’t know what to do about the things we need to say but don’t have words for, I just know that anyone could fill a library with everything they feel but can’t write down, so find new ways to speak, like screaming into a pillow or painting on your walls; just don’t let those feelings stagnate.

next week’s horoscopes, maria s.  (via sweetestsecrets)

[nicawas]

Barb is blocking out all her haters 💁🏼🐶😎 #dogsinsunglasses #dogsofinstragram #minipinscher

[nicawas]

Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. It would never occur to us, unless we stumbled on a book or a person who explained to us, that we were in fact in the process of change, of actually becoming larger, spiritually, than we were before. Whenever we grow, we tend to feel it, as a young seed must feel the weight and inertia of the earth as it seeks to break out of its shell on its way to becoming a plant. Often the feeling is anything but pleasant. But what is most unpleasant is the not knowing what is happening. Those long periods when something inside ourselves seems to be waiting, holding its breath, unsure about what the next step should be, eventually become the periods we wait for, for it is in those periods that we realize that we are being prepared for the next phase of our life and that, in all probability, a new level of the personality is about to be revealed.

[nicawas]

Fitting.

[nicawas]

Sometimes life is better upside down. #yogaheadstand #yogaeverydamnday #lbi (at Manahawkin Beach Haven West)

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My Soul Sista 👯

[nicawas]

29.

"Times forever frozen still..In the space between..A Boy's dream" "Into your heart I'll beat again..just have a little faith in me.. Cause this may be the last love, the last touch, the last to shine"

[nicawas]

28.

June 24, 2003.. I was 13 years old.

It started off as every normal day, it was the start of summer, school was over, and I was beginning my vacation from dance. Nothing out of the ordinary happened in the morning, I woke up, watched tv, ate breakfast, went swimming, all normal fun activities. I would never know that with in a couple hours I would get a phone call that would turn my entire world upside down. A phone call that haunts me to this day. A phone call I wish I was able to ignore.

The afternoon comes rolling around, I am sitting on the couch in the living room and the phone begins to ring, I see on the caller ID it is my grandfather from my dads side, I truly didn’t like this man, he always made me uneasy, so when I saw who it was I screamed for my brother to come and answer the phone, he came out and picked up the line, only to receive the worst news a child wants to hear. I watched my brother walk into his room, and the next thing I hear is him yelp as if he was in pain, then I saw him punch his closet door. I stared confused and dazed, my mother came running around the corner, looked at my brother crying on the floor, picked up the phone and asked what happened. Immediately her face dropped, it turned white and she stood in her tracks. I became more alarmed because I was still completely unaware of what was happening. Seconds later my mom screams on the phone..“how dare you deliver this kind of news to a child, over the phone, it’s their father, they deserve more respect.”

I immediately thought my dad got in trouble again or was caught drinking because he was a suffering alcoholic, so I instantly started to feel disappointment. The thoughts of how did this happen again, why can’t he figure it out started to run through my mind. I was so tired of constantly being told my dad had another episode or he was in trouble. I just wanted everything to be normal for once, but sadly this wasn’t the case. And every day I wish that was the type of phone call we got, because at least then we would have hope in still fixing things..

My mother hangs up the phone and walks over to me, bends down in front of me and whispers the words “I don’t know how to say this, but daddy is gone…” And with the end of that sentence I lost my breathe. She looked at me and said “Nicky” with almost a questioning tone. All I could do was stare at her.

Everything started to come together, the phone call, the yelp, the punching of the door, my mothers reaction. Everything clicked. This wasn’t a joke, this was real. I just lost my father, and we were told by a stupid phone call. From this day on my outlook on life would be completely different. Everything that little girls dream of.. Father daughter dances, prom, graduation, getting married, having kids would forever be altered, because I lost half of what made me.

I remember sitting on that couch for the rest of the day, I didn’t move, I didn’t speak, I just stared across the room. Words could not be developed, I couldn’t swallow, I couldn’t move. I felt frozen. I felt my body slowly start to sink, and the light heart happy girl began to drift away. Everything that I ever wanted to fix, change, say to my dad all came to me, but now it was too late. I lost the opportunity to make our relationship better. I lost the chance to be the daughter I wanted to be because I thought I had time to fix it. But time doesn’t wait and death doesn’t either. I was left with a lousy Father’s Day phone call I made to him earlier that week, that at the time felt more like a chore then a happy wish to him, and a late mailed out card that said “I’ll see you sometime soon”. Which I later learned he never opened..

It’s been 12 years and I still have a weight of regret. I wish I could go back and change things, say I love you one more time, answer the phone, or agree to go over for dinner instead of blowing it off. But that’s not how life works. Life can take things away in a second.

I truly miss my dad, I didn’t know him the way a daughter should. I didn’t have the relationship I wanted. My relationship consisted of more I’ll talk to you soon, we’ll figure it out later, I’ll see you next week instead, which sometimes turned into months. My relationship with my dad was filled with more fear because of the lack of knowledge I had about him. I learned over the years, I didn’t have anything to be afraid of, he had his problems, but he was truly a wonderful, smart man, that would have done anything for his children. I listen to the way people talk about him, the stories and memories they have, they all start with a smile, and end with the line “he was a good man.” I see the way my mom lights up when she tells me about her young love and romance with him. She still has this twinkle in her eye when she says "Your father was the big one, the big love of my life.” These little things allow me to feel closer to the man I lost too soon.

I am so thankful for what I do know and the limited memories I have of him.. I thank God every day for giving me his light brown eyes. When I was younger I always envied girls with beautiful blue eyes, now when I look at them, I couldn’t imagine having anything else, for they are his, which he passed down to me. I’ve finally learned to appreciate my massive smile that sometimes is too big and you can probably see every tooth in my mouth. Oh and this cackle of a laugh, my goodness it can be heard from a mile away and can be annoying, but at times I swear I am able to hear his inside of mine, which makes me embrace it more. I know he is around me all of the time, every once in a while I’ll catch a scent of Marlboro Reds, or one his favorite Fleetwood Mac songs will come drifting across the radio, these are the times I stop and soak everything in, because I begin to remember how quickly it can all change. Everything can be turned upside down with a simple phone call.

[nicawas]

I'm happy and proud knowing I received my terrible cackle of a laugh and big smile from my father, My Guardian Angel ❤️ 6.24.03

[nicawas]

27.

A night filled with terrors.

I swear sometimes your mind and body take over as your starting to drift into sleep, maybe nightmares happen to prepare how you handle the real world, or maybe they happen to show you that things could always be worse. Either way the entire night I was weighed down by terrible dreams. I felt like every time I was able to shake myself out of one dream, I was sucked back into another. Now these dreams aren’t filled with goblins, monsters, and ghouls. They are filled with real life situations and the people I love.

I jumped from dream to dream. One consisted of family problems, another one consisted of reliving the numerous fights my parents had when I was young, and last one I can remember consisted of watching the people I’ve ever given my heart to and loved, the moment they decided to give it back, as if they were giving a gift back. I realize some of this is complete fabrication of the mind, that some of the things I saw didn’t really happen, but it didn’t make it any easier.

With each dream I woke up thinking I was still in it. I fought through the haziness and sleepy eyes just to realize I was still in my bed. After the third dream I decided to get up and disregard the idea of sleep, staying up and watching terrible television seemed to distract my mind. They say some dreams reveal your hidden fears, desires, and are reflections of what you want in life. If this is true, are these really my truths in life? Is this what I have buried deep inside? I truly don’t know, but I can say, I would like to put those dark monsters to rest.

[nicawas]

[nicawas]

26.

I’ve wondered do you trade/lose parts of your happiness and soul over the years? Do you leave certain situations behind in hopes to find a better one, only to realize that part of you or half of you is still stuck in that past situation.

When trading your happiness, soul, body and heart it’s like forming pot holes on yourself..they can vary in size and depth. Additionally, are they ever really filled or do you pretend they don’t exist, do you try to dodge them? Because you’re scared if you hit them directly head on, it will stop you in your tracks, cause a problem that makes pull over to the side of the road, think about your course of action and eventually changing who you are and realigning your entire life. Patching these holes is only temporary, the only cure or filler is the person/reason you traded and lost those parts to.

I recently noticed I still have holes in myself from my past. These holes at times are temporally filled but with seasons they tend to weather and become exposed again. One of my biggest holes was recently brought back to life. This hole is one that cuts directly into my core. If it was visible to the eye you would be able to see right through me. I have learned to live a happy life. Or at least pretend it, most people don’t know what goes on in this tornado brain of mine. I have found new interests, I have invested my emotions in other things, fell in love, and fell out of love. But yet this hole still tends to come out. My soul reminds me that it hasn’t been fully happy and satisfied yet since its traded/lost part of itself. I feel like it questions me late at night, in the dark, silence of my room, these questions are stirred up, looking and searching for the answer for its original part. I find myself asking how did I end up in this situation to begin with, what went wrong, and why am I not allowed to take a different route? Why did I ever decide to trade my happiness, my soul, and my heart.

I’ve accepted the only permanent fix is also the reason why it was formed in the first place. Which is dangerous. That original part of my soul, body, mind and heart that I traded/lost long ago is probably being carried in someone’s golf bag, shoved in a zipper pocket, or that original part has been attached to a song waiting to be played on the radio. But that original part is always longing to come back home. I await the day that I hear that knock on the door, and it is brought back home. Your past is your home, and your always allowed to go back home.

[nicawas]

25.

I can let hours, days, weeks go by without feeling the sting in my heart. I'm able to not recognize it. Or acknowledged it. At times I even think that it's completely gone. Then boom, out of no where, something stops me dead. I can feel my heart creep up into my throat. I can feel it starting to bare weight of things I don't understand. It becomes heavy and weighted down. Then I find myself starring off, probably with lifeless eyes, the light completely drained out of them, attempting to sort through these emotions. It can be the slightest thing that can turn my day upside down. A song, a picture, a TV show, even the way my coffee tastes.. It drags me into a world I want to run away from. I've always wondered, why do people enter your life, only to be to taken away, or to leave you high and dry. Why are words spoken when there isn't truth behind them? I realize these all teach lessons, but couldn't some of these lessons be left out of life? Or at least be learned, understood, then be allowed to close the book on it. Why does the sting have to come back at random, Why does one have to swept back into the exact moment the pain started? Or the minute you realized you lost someone? Experiencing it once is hard enough. Making it through it is a difficult task, so why the reminders? Forever I'll search for this answer, forever I'll probably never understand. Forever I'll feel the creeping of my heart from my chest to my throat. All easily started by seeing the creamer in my coffee turn into clouds.

[nicawas]

Did you say it? ‘I love you. I don’t ever want to live without you. You changed my life.’ Did you say it? Make a plan. Set a goal. Work toward it, but every now and then, look around; Drink it in ‘cause this is it. It might all be gone tomorrow.

Meredith Grey (Grey’s Anatomy, 5x24)